D&D Greentext Stories

File: 1406572027575.jpg (138KB, 515x417px) Image search: [Google]

138KB, 515x417px

>>51515870

File: hannibal.png (1005KB, 798x682px) Image search: [Google]

1005KB, 798x682px

>>51515870
LOL

File: 1463294229705.png (710KB, 906x682px) Image search: [Google]

710KB, 906x682px

>>51515870
Autism warning, skip this post if you enjoy fun.

Technically, Speak With Dead only works on fresh bodies because it requires an intact mouth. Fluffwise it only draws on the corpse's knowledge and doesn't contact the spirit at all.

>>51517704
but pigs aren't fluffy at all

>>51517714
wild ones are

>>51515870
That's about as useful as speak with plants has ever been for any of us.

File: tmp_9835-vuiJ313-107231576.png (156KB, 940x630px) Image search: [Google]

156KB, 940x630px

Never fails to crack me up.

>>51518532
Ranks right up there with Catan guy

>>51518532
I guess a colon cleanse is technically healthy

File: 1476245443718.jpg (48KB, 407x482px) Image search: [Google]

48KB, 407x482px

>>51517407
Holy fuck, my sides!

>>51517407
the person who posted this is trying to hide what setting is being ripped off but they made it pretty obvious it was horse friendship

>>51520339
>The DM had a soundtrack of camp-town ladies in fucking ribbits
I need to hear this

>>51518532
My insides are in orbit

>>51520880
Did you drink some Cosmic shake?

>>51520547
Holy shit, somebody actually made a good screencap of this story?

File: 1351162081610.png (608KB, 668x500px) Image search: [Google]

608KB, 668x500px

>>51521936

File: Frog has a breakdown.gif (696KB, 242x191px) Image search: [Google]

696KB, 242x191px

>>51521936
Fuck, dude

File: 1462497344528.png (190KB, 262x488px) Image search: [Google]

190KB, 262x488px

>>51517407
>these amount of ZOOMED WORDS

>>51519028
I was in that thread.He is.

>>51522490
Fucking epic.

Now every Drow I ever see will be speaking with a vaguely Eastern European accent.

Thanks /tg/.

File: The scottish Storm Warden.png (178KB, 921x593px) Image search: [Google]

178KB, 921x593px

>>51523874
Oh fuck that's the wrong story.

>>51517704
Autism: The Post

File: 1468298619248.gif (87KB, 192x197px) Image search: [Google]

87KB, 192x197px

>5th edition D&D
>Our party is escorting a lord through the local market place
>Cleric notices a hooded individual pushing through the crowd and towards the lord
>GET DOWN MR.PRESIDENT
>Paladin drops the lord prone and the crossbow bolt misses
>I cast sleep on the assailant (and a couple bystanders)
>We tie up the assassin then wake him up
>I then cast suggestion on him. This is the first time I've cast this spell.
>"Tell us the truth. About everything you know."
>DM smiles
>"I was born on the 12th day of Hammer in the back of my grandfather's caravan..."
>Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck
>DM time-skips a couple hours
>"...on my 9th birthday I received a gold coin from my father, the following evening I traded it for a large stick the village conman told me was a magic staff. That night, I was beaten severely by..."
>The sun is setting and the lord, bored and agitated, demands to go home, the paladin escorts him to his estate.
>The rest of the party plus a crowd of civilians are just sitting there listening to him now, the generous bar owners bring in soup for everyone. We give the assassin water as his voice starts getting raspy.
>DM time-skips a few more hours
>"...and I never trusted a gnome again. It was these series of events that lead me to the cult of Bhaal..."
>fucking finally
>"...the noticeable attractive dark elf gave me the task of of shooting at the lord..."
>yes... yes... go on...
>"... her figure distracted me and I forgot whether I was supposed to actually hit the lord or not. gods she was so hot. The things I'd do for..."
>oh god... come on dude
>"...but it was clear that my main goal was to provide a distraction as another party snuck into the kitchen and poisoned his food..."
>Our face when

>>51520836
10/10

>>51524139
I fucking love your DM.

>>51521936
well i certainly wasn't ready for that today.

>>51524223
Me too, we don't deserve him

>>51524139
Fucking supremely well done. That's a great encounter I hadn't even thought of, an escort mission in a crowd.

>>51517407
http://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/47547348/#47548031

>>51524139
Did you die?

>>51524132
You were warned. If you're going to be "triggered" this easily, then you should leave. You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave.

>>51525607
The Paladin actually ended up discovering the food poisoning and saving the lord's life by himself.
There was a medal ceremony and ball celebrating the paladin for saving the lord twice in one day and the rest of the party was... invited.
I, the sorcerer, was the only one that went.
Paladin was rewarded a 500gp, a golden glimmering +1 "Lord's Longsword", and a medal and certificate marking him a legendary ally of the city. On top of that, the paladin had a masterfully done oil painting of him hung up in the royal hallway.
The rest of my party (a cleric, wizard, and fighter) were pissed off that they got 0 recognition and got drunk in the bar swearing they'll be never be friends with the paladin again. (only in game, irl they found it pretty funny and recognized they didn't really do shit)
But then he split the gold (100gp each) and was like "fuck that lord amirite guys. you were the real heroes. I kept telling him." and we're all friends again.

>>51520325
Why not just smuggle himself in a bag of holding via her butt?

Requesting that greentext in 40k where the players killed the GM's special snowflake race. I think it was a chakat?

File: Suggestion.png (86KB, 1248x493px) Image search: [Google]

86KB, 1248x493px

>>51524139

File: Paladin Redeemed.png (1MB, 3700x2900px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 3700x2900px

AND NOW FOR MORE PALADINS

>>51526265
Great story

File: There is hope for man.jpg (289KB, 1261x1192px) Image search: [Google]

289KB, 1261x1192px

Not quite paladins but the idea is the same.

>>51517407
>I get why it's called a d20

File: Shank Paladin.jpg (157KB, 980x680px) Image search: [Google]

157KB, 980x680px

I should make a separate folder for my paladin stuff so I don't have to dig though my whole greentext folder.

File: God of Vengeance.jpg (622KB, 1345x2036px) Image search: [Google]

622KB, 1345x2036px

Also not really paladin-related, but still righteous.

File: SPORTSBALL.png (1MB, 1550x5154px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1550x5154px

Okay, I'm out. Have a SPORTSBALL greentext. Requesting additional paladin greentexts.

File: Black Jester.jpg (201KB, 1202x899px) Image search: [Google]

201KB, 1202x899px

>>51523874
>>51523884
I still liked it though Anon

>>51523565
breddy gud

File: Elf.png (40KB, 333x232px) Image search: [Google]

40KB, 333x232px

>>51527430

*blushes*

File: 1477410353780.png (281KB, 451x435px) Image search: [Google]

281KB, 451x435px

>>51521936

>>51524139
I'm fucking dying

>>51529200
So is the lord

>>51527708
Did they ever get some documentation on this, this sounds amazing to play.

>>51527870
Sounds like the joker in the 5e monster manual which, incidentally, is also a massive fucking pain to keep down.

File: 1455242974568.gif (2MB, 512x384px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 512x384px

>>51515870
>Druid casts speak with plants
>Expects the tree to know the answers to all the story questions
>"lol I'm just a fucking tree bro"
>Calls me a bad DM

File: The Paladin Falls.png (79KB, 1227x340px) Image search: [Google]

79KB, 1227x340px

>>51529513
Not that I know of. It was two years ago and I'm not on here all that often.

also I FOUND ONE MORE

>>51529634
Why would some random ass tree know anything? Not even like the local layout, it's literally sat in one location for probably 100+ years, that's it.

>>51529634
>>51529661
A tree can't even see or hear anything

File: 4084f749a756c643ffe45754afd65c8b.png (555KB, 1631x349px) Image search: [Google]

555KB, 1631x349px

3.5 Homebrew
>Playing as a Dragonborn Knight
>In a party of 3
>In a bandit town (with no rules and no laws)
>A Barb on the team owns a horse
>Fails to tie the horse to a pole
>The horse is stolen
>We JUST manage to track down the horse
>It is about to be sold by a mangy elf to a stablekeep
>Roll a 15 + 7 intimidate
>Tell the Elf: "Hey! Fucking don't steal our horse!"
>The Elf is scared shitless as a 6.5 feet tall dragonborn walks up to him
>Pulls out a dagger
>"This is my horse, don't you fucking dare come closer" he says with a shaky voice
>Draw my greatsword
>Do a power attack
>Rolls a Natural 20 | 11 + 7 x 2 = 36
>Ends the fight before it even started
>He no longer exists on this plane of existence
>His guts are scattered to the winds
>Instantly gain the respect of the entire fucking town
>Nobody dares to touch me
>The Stablekeep goes: "Not this shit again"
Thank you DM for letting me live out my Big Swords McGee Fantasy

>>51515870
Less of an epic thing, more of well shit son you ded.
> Have paladin.
> Get captured by duergar, high priest of their god tries to enslave me.
> Fail, but I'm now encased in armor fused to skin-armor controlled by cleric but me not know
> Our rogue manages to sabotage (was inside mountain, massive industry, yes this is 5e)
> Everybody escaping, found armory for slave rebellion. my character goes on his own.
> Grabs random greatsword with probs magic runes on them (don't do shit in the end, but pretty sure they were magic)
> Hate this decision OOC, but IC he would want revenge.
> Walk up to high priest in sanctum.
> sofucked.jpg
> "You tried to break me. You tried to break me."
> "Now I will break you"
> Charge, miss. Level 20 evil cleric turn.
> Cleric crushes the armor over me, my blood flies out. Sets blood on fire, then sends it back into my body.
> Welp I'm dead.

File: Batou.png (425KB, 867x465px) Image search: [Google]

425KB, 867x465px

>>51523874

>>51515870
Alright.

Here's the story of my first character, Anhaga the Cowardly Rogue.

>Gave him shit con, nearly do the death dance in the first combat I ever did.
>About as yellow as you could go as a PC.
>Every combat he would run away from the group to flank
>This actually saved his bacon once when a winter wolf tried to do some shit
>Once threw a horse turd at an enemy commander besieging a stronghold we were defending; the commander left after that
>With the winter wolf, jumped on its back and then rode around rodeo style
>Tried to do the same to a flesh golem later, huge tactical blunder right there.
>Tried to punch magical possession out of people, actually succeeded the second time with a flying tackle that knocked them prone
>Party joked that Anhaga was bipolar, cowardly as shit and yet continually throwing himself into combat like a dog at a steak.

>>51532810
Eh, standard for 4chan.

File: Brash.png (29KB, 601x371px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 601x371px

Personal favorite

File: LMAO.jpg (60KB, 991x902px) Image search: [Google]

60KB, 991x902px

>>51518532

>>51529634
Things you can ask a tree
>is the soil quality good?
>do you get enough sunlight?
>are things eating your leaves?
>has it rained recently?
After that you're basically on your own

>>51529644
Jesus Christ. I remember that thread.

It was from 2008? That was 9 years ago. Jesus Christ I just had my own mortality fall on me from the carefully balanced and out of the way mantelpiece over my bed where I've been ignoring it for the last decade.

>>51534839
Ignoring fantasy setting hippy magic I guess.

But if you are doing that, why the fuck are you talking to tree's?

File: Sir Bearington.png (63KB, 670x388px) Image search: [Google]

63KB, 670x388px

>>51515870
Since my memory about it is getting more and more hazy, I want to share my story of a one-session magical girl campaign. Because it's not that great of a story and it's definitely on the autism scale, I'm going to include some actually fun greentext screencaps with my posts.

>Background: DM states that he wants to run a silly magical girl campaign
>Get a feeling that there's a very good chance of it being a trainwreck, but I don't care and join the ride
>Told to roll up a spontaneous spellcaster and that we'll be using 3.5e for the system which makes sense, because it's the one we and our DM are most familiar with
>To add a bit of diversity to a rather large party filled solely with sorcerers, I make a chaotic neutral bard named Chan
>Chan is a Chen expy, complete with bike and bike horn, with some other character traits thrown in
>For example, she plays the harmonica.
>And fishes using a hook tied to a stick with rope.
>And is mute, having become mute one day for no known reason.
>And occasionally goes into trance-like states where she stops emoting entirely.
>And is described as being a fucking weirdo in general.
>DM informs me that Chan somehow is NOT the worst character rolled up for the campaign.
>He also tells me to pick some sort of element to have associated with her, one which all of her spells would incorporate
>Heart's already taken, so in keeping with the Chen expy theme Chan's element becomes "Chime," meaning sound-based spells
>"Chime" is just a fluffed up name for "Honk," for the purpose of making it sound cuter
>It literally just sounds like bike horn honks
And thus Chan Bow's magical girl adventure would begin.

File: Jamhorn Glittergold.png (117KB, 912x649px) Image search: [Google]

117KB, 912x649px

>Campaign starts, set in modern-day Japan, with the characters being normal Japanese girls attending a normal Japanese middle school
>Suddenly, an earthquake
>Class ducks underneath their desks, party starts getting into shenanigans
>One of the girls leaves the classroom and goes into the science lab to do science-y stuff, another girl follows her
>A different girl goes into the hallway and starts looting knocked-over lockers for items to sell for money later
>The only responsible girl of the party, the class rep, is dutifully trying to maintain order and calm people down
>Earthquake knocks over yet another girl's bag, and out falls a bottle of booze
>Turns out her element was alcohol
>Gets into argument with teacher, but manages to keep the booze
>Earthquake is still happening during all of this
>Alcohol-chan gets drunk, drunkenly smacks and smack-talks the ground trying to get the earthquake to stop
>Earthquake increases in intensity
>Chan performs on her harmonica in hopes of somehow inexplicably calming the earthquake
>It works a bit and the intensity goes back to what it was initially
>Science-chan and the girl that followed her are busy doing experiments in order to craft alchemical items
>Money-chan's finished looting the hallways and comes back into the classroom
>Alcohol-chan is still inebriated
>Class rep can't really do much to keep things under control, since it's an earthquake and all
>Chan manages to deduce the earthquake's epicenter through a successful gather information check
>Ditches and gets on her bike to go to the epicenter
>DM a bit bluntly informs the party that it looks like Chan's heading in the direction of the epicenter, since it's been about twenty minutes of shenanigans, which weren't really advancing the plot directly, although we admittedly enjoyed them
>Class rep, Alcohol-chan, and Money-chan chase after Chan
>Science-chan stays in the science lab
>Alchemy-chan also stays in order to copy what Science-chan does

File: decide this like warriors.png (122KB, 1451x1080px) Image search: [Google]

122KB, 1451x1080px

There was actually one more girl in this bloated party, and she also followed after Chan. I don't remember much of what else she did.

>Chan arrives at the epicenter
>She decides that this is a perfect place to start playing her harmonica
>Who else can say that they rocked a beautiful harmonica solo in the center of an earthquake?
>Gets a bit bored just performing for performance's sake, attempt to use her performance to make the earthquake worse
>It works
>The four girls make it to the epicenter
>Chan, not much concerned with anything, continues playing
>Earthquake gets even stronger
>Everyone understands that this is a really boneheaded move
>Money-chan attempts to reason with Chan
>She tries to tell Chan that maybe strengthening an earthquake is probably a really bad idea and that this isn't really something they should be doing
>Just as Money-chan opens her mouth, Chan immediately bolts off on her bike
>She got bored and made a gather information check to learn the nearest body of water, because she likes to fish
>Class-rep, Money-chan, and Alcohol-chan don't recognize that this is just Chan being an oddball, since the student body usually lets her keep to herself because her weirdness usually doesn't inconvenience others
>The three of them follow after her, assuming that Chan's chasing the plot

File: Samurai, Sorcerer, Wizard, Druid.jpg (308KB, 1628x882px) Image search: [Google]

308KB, 1628x882px

>Chan, without a care for the fact that the ground was yet still tearing itself asunder, arrives at a river
>The three girls arrive to find Chan fishing rather peacefully
>Despite their (mostly Class rep's) attempts to talk to the her, the mute Chan more or less ignores them in favor of the joys of fishing
>She's been catching many things in the river, not limited to: trout, tuna, and salmon. She's just been throwing them back after catching them
>Class rep surmises that if she "beats" Chan in fishing then she'll stop fishing and get back to doing plot related things
>Conveniently, there is a rather nice fishing rod near where Chan is fishing
>Class rep, having not forsaken joining an afterschool club for the pleasure of solitary afterschool fishing, catches a boot
>Meaningwhile, Chan manages to catch more large fish
>All of which Alcohol-chan decided to eat
>This annoys Chan, who vows to make sure that her next catch will not end up as her classmate's snack
>Class rep continues to fish, and catches more garbage
>Chan catches a snapping turtle. She is rather happy by this catch, and plans on making it her pet
>Almost immediately, Chan's freshly-caught snapping turtle is eaten by Alcohol-chan. She swallowed it whole to boot.
>Chan, upset at having her beloved snapping turtle devoured, figures that if she stops the earthquake then these girls will stop interrupting her lovely fishing time
>And so Chan heads back to the epicenter to continue on with the DM's plot, the three girls following closely behind

File: Goodbane Evilskull.png (190KB, 892x1436px) Image search: [Google]

190KB, 892x1436px

>Suddenly, the girls hear an otherwordly voice
>Now finding themselves empowered, the girls instinctively utilize their magical girl transformations
>DM actually gives well articulated, but not particularly serious, descriptions about the transformation scenes, which were based around bicycle horn honks, drawing, drunkeness, and the sands of time
>Also, now everyone can fly. Although Chan just flies on her bike, while everyone else can fly on their own
>Alcohol-chan, Class rep, Money-chan, and Chan prepare to do aerial battle with the VSD
>Leading the intiative, Chan uses the Command spell (given to her by a birth feat) to have the VSD fall
>This rather large dragon just starts falling from the sky above and plummeting towards the earth below
>Alcohol-chan, Class rep, and Money-chan waste no time using magic and magical girl powers to unmake this earthquake-causing nuisance
>The other girl activates her own transformation sequence. Also she straight-up rips the VSD's heart out, finishing it off
>Upon death, the VSD transforms into a bunch of bronze cutlery -- knives, forks, and spoons come raining down
>Its heart turns into a pair of chopsticks
>The day is saved, the city is safe, and the spoils of victory are at hand

>Thanks to all that flying around, the VSD ended up dying near the school
>Science-chan and Alchemy-chan, having successfully (and in Alchemy-chan's case, a few times unsuccesffully) crafted alchemical items, exit the school and join the group
>They, too, get transformation sequences
>Everyone gets some cutlery loot. Chan managed to quickly snag the VSD's heart chopsticks before anyone else could claim them
>With peace returned, the girls go back to school
>Except for Chan who, after successfully getting her classmates off her back, goes back to fishing

File: Not greentext, but a magical girl campaign that's actually enjoyable to read.png (1MB, 1260x2128px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1260x2128px

>The rest of the day goes by uneventfully, and everyone sans-Chan goes to cram school
>Suddenly, in the middle of cram school, everyone including Chan are transported into a grassy field in the middle of who-knows-where
>Class rep begins hyperventilating a bit because it's just been a really long, bullshit-filled day
>While the rest of the girls aren't as perturbed, no one really has any idea what to do in this situation
>Chan realises that they are in another world
>Upset at having her fishing time interrupted twice in one day, she plays her harmonica in hopes of attracting people to where the girls are at
>She is successful, and suddenly a large number of village people start appearing
>Undaunted by the possibiility that these people could be hostile to strangers, Chan finds who she believes to be the village leader, walks straight up to him, pulls out her fishing rod, and mimes out her question of where the nearest place to catch fish is
>Having successfully asked her question, Chan transforms, flies off on her bike to the lake, and removes herself from the plot
>The rest of the girls, now with people who can inform them about their situation, start talking with the villagers and progressing the plot
>More shenanigans ensue; like Money-chan making a business selling fake "foreign passports" (actually just their world's money) to people in order to get local money; the girls getting a map of the world (or at least the country); and Alcohol-chan eatting (and nearly choking on) an entire live chicken
>After an eventful day in another world, the girls retire to an inn for the night
>Chan, after a good day of fishing, suddenly has the reality of the situation dawn on her, and she comes back to join her comrades

Our DM made the call to scrap the campaign due to how chaotic it was, and because he believed the group would quickly end up at each others' throats. I don't disagree with his call, especially with hindsight. Although I do miss Chan, the little weirdo she was.

>>51522490
I was listening to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGKCB76xFgM as I read this and now in my head all Drow have a Russian accent and this is the music I heard whenever that greentext mentioned bards or playing instruments.

>>51523597
IN LAND OF MOTHER UNDERDARK YOU DO NOT CHOOSE TO MATE WITH FEMALES. FEMALES CHOOSE TO MATE WITH YOU.

File: Dancing Gnome What Pees Acid.png (247KB, 833x536px) Image search: [Google]

247KB, 833x536px

Well, shit. I accidentally forgot to post the section that goes after >>51537090 and before >>51537105, and now I need to retype it.

>Once again, Chan and friends arrive at the epicenter of the earthquake
>Chan, having a hunch that there might be something somewhat slightly unnatural about such a long-lasting earthquake of constant intensity, does some sleuthing and deduces that something's causing it
>Growing weary of her capricious nature, the other girls are getting real tired of Chan's bullshit
>Chan looks around and spots something in the sky, and points at it with an exaggerated motion
>The girls follow her finger and see the skybeast
>With their target now sighted, these normal middle school girls must find out a way to deal with this flying, earthquake-causing thing.
>Chan almost immediately decides to try to fish it out of the sky, because who else can say they've done that?
>Miraculously, she manages to hook the thing
>Class rep and Money-chan grab her, trying to hold her down and help reel the skybeast in
>With ease, the thing pulls them into the sky
>These three middle school girls now find themselves suspended thousands of feet in the air, holding onto each other (or in Chan's case, her fishing rod) for dear life
>Chan, now having a better look at the thing because of how close it is, suddenly realizes that the skybeast is a mythological creature known as a VSD (Vampiric Sheep Dragon) thanks to her knowledge of history and bardic knowledge
>As the epiphany passes, Chan reels the three of them in so that they're no longer clinging onto each other, but instead onto the VSD for dear life
>These three schoolgirls are now riding on top of some mythical earthquake-causing creature, and have to find some way to deal with their situation

File: thumbs_up.gif (481KB, 141x141px) Image search: [Google]

481KB, 141x141px

>>51523565
Nice. Very nice.

File: here be magic.jpg (4MB, 2926x3944px) Image search: [Google]

4MB, 2926x3944px

the only one I thought to save before this thread

File: Assasin.png (96KB, 1297x589px) Image search: [Google]

96KB, 1297x589px

>>51527430

>get caught in a really bad storm
>find an abandoned old house
>apparently there is an old grumpy elf living there who decides to give us a shelter until the storm calms
>now some classic adventure where you have to go around the abandoned house to unveil its mysteries starts
>our Ninja decides to explore it while me and the almost naked gnome (another funny story) cover him
>dinner is ready
>elf asks where the fuck the edgy ninja faggot is
>when the master described our rooms I confused the washbasin with a toilet (he used a strange word in my language)
>idea.jpg
>"Uh, the Ninja doesn't feel that well, he has, emh, diarrhea"
>Elf panicks "and where the fuck is he shitting"
>"In his room"
>elf gets furious thinking about the weeb shitting on his furniture and his dead wife's memories
>he enters in the room ready to make someone lick all that shit
>no one there, elf understands I lied to him
>actually really strong sorceror, he petrifies my legs and goes searching for naruto
>I am a summoner and while he's away use my Eidolon to carry me out while the elf is gone
And this is how now we are in the middle of a snowstorm, with me half petrified and carried like a princess by some extraplanar monster, our naked alchemist gnome without any item, the ninja killed off in some old abandoned mansion and the master angry because I fucked up his adventure

>>51540012
Fucking gold.

>>51538618
WTF does any of this mean. Do people understand what this guy was saying

>>51534839
A tree would probably be a pretty good source for knowledge like whether local weather patterns have changed over the last eighty years.
You know, in case some mad wizard's riddle requires you to know.

>>51529634
dunno if I cast speak with plants on this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pando_(tree) I'd expect some kind of neat information at the very least

>>51521936
Women. Bunch of lying sacks of shit.

File: speak with dead.jpg (172KB, 621x936px) Image search: [Google]

172KB, 621x936px

>>51517704
Are you just pretending to be autistic or is this actually a rule in some edition

File: boxcar joe.jpg (420KB, 1344x2679px) Image search: [Google]

420KB, 1344x2679px

>>51515870
Does anyone have the Hostess Fruit Pies one?

File: speak with plants.jpg (120KB, 585x655px) Image search: [Google]

120KB, 585x655px

>>51529634
>>51529661
>>51530056
The more I see of modern editions, the more I like AD&D.

>>51545916
Stay with us...Stay with us....

File: picture of a fucking cat.jpg (41KB, 480x480px) Image search: [Google]

41KB, 480x480px

>>51537115
>suddenly canceled
nooo it sounded interesting

File: thisiswonderful.jpg (64KB, 611x792px) Image search: [Google]

64KB, 611x792px

>>51515870
>playing a neutral good character that can best be described as "neckbeard who is cosplaying batman"
>have a lich in the party who's evil and likes to steal candles
>enter quiet little town
>lich proceeds to create a communist revolution and sets himself up as socialist dictator
>whole party is blind to it, even the neutral good priest is at one point having a meal with the lich within the guys sanctum decorated with the bones of the dead and rivers of blood, talking about the fucking wine
>my character is the only one who sees through it, spent weeks following and gathering evidence of the lich's evil activities
>finally persuade the priest to cast a truth spell to force the lich to tell the truth
>priest rolls a 1
>DM says anything the lich says the party will believe as they believe the spell worked
it was a long time until the party stopped trying to kill my character, they never did stop believing i enjoyed wearing womens clothes though

>>51526167
Paladin doesn't fall for publicly taking the credit, allowing a painting to be done in his honor and not selling the sword to split the entire reward with the party.

>>5e
Oh, nevermind.

>>51526353
Lack of air... Not that the air he was getting was all that great...

>>51546075
The session actually just ended naturally, as everyone decided that resting at an inn was a good cutoff point for the adventure. It never made it to a second one because it was hard getting the schedules for all seven players and DM to sync, which gave our DM time to mull over how our party was full of people (Chan included) who could very easily become That Guy and cause a whole bunch of trouble for everyone. I think everyone agreed with that, at least at some level, but since we all had fun with that one session I don't think any of us regrets it.

>>51544773
I love Archael.

File: shitty time.png (28KB, 927x926px) Image search: [Google]

28KB, 927x926px

>>51550589
Dude's dope as heck, cuh. That shit was hella lit.

>>51550643
This one was hilarious the first time i read it, not so much now though.

File: 1346572615172.png (194KB, 575x558px) Image search: [Google]

194KB, 575x558px

>>51545684
http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/speakWithDead.htm

>You can cast this spell on a corpse that has been deceased for any amount of time, but the body must be mostly intact to be able to respond. A damaged corpse may be able to give partial answers or partially correct answers, but it must at least have a mouth in order to speak at all.

>This spell does not let you actually speak to the person (whose soul has departed). It instead draws on the imprinted knowledge stored in the corpse.

That's how it works in "/tg/ always assumes 3.5 edition."

>>51537115

Cracked me up.

>beginning of the session
>DM: Levistus is a book of the Bible, right?"
> "No, that's Leviticus, the Book of Levistus would be creepy"
>"Oh, ok"
>DM has us go to archetypal "Thieves' Town"
>guard at gate wants a ridiculous amount of money to enter
>fuck that, we'll find another way in
>halfling merchant who overheard hooks up up with a kenku who will guide us through the sewers
>whatever, seems like as good a plan as any
>he leads us pretty deep, we get to a room where it's very apparent there are others in the room
>starts demanding money
>whatever, we anticipated this, pay him off
>won't take us any further, says that they serve Levistus, and that we need to prove ourselves worthy to him
>Levistus, the Archduke of Stygia, who was already set up as the BBEG of the campaign
>think: oook, why are you telling us this, shouldn't you be trying to kill us instead of taking our gold
>whatever, let's keep going
>fight some bandits, they relent, warn us to beware the monster which would be attracted by the noise
>suddenly rats
>lots and lots of rats
>all running ahead of some massive slug abomination
>we all run for our lives, pass all the checks for obstacles and cross a large flow of water
>thing can't cross, gives up and turns around
>wewlad
>Immediately ambushed by oozes
>I'm beat to shit, get engulfed by a gelatinous cube
>I get out with 7 health left, move away
>AoO from cube, hits, I go down
>two more oozes fall from ceiling, fail two death saves
>paladin gets to me, will use next action to get me up
>my turn, roll save, +4 from paladin
> roll a 5
>a fucking 5
>die
>rest of the party prevails, I'm the cleric, and the paladin luckily had Revivify prepared, so she took the diamonds off of my body to bring me back
>get up, about to heal everyone, when suddenly, slow clap from darkness ahead of us
>old-ass elf emerges, and congratulates us for passing the test
>claims he's Levistus, and that he needs our help overthrowing the current government of the town

>>51552670
>everyone at the table looks visibly panicked, except the DM
>I'm thinking, why the hell is an archdevil, let alone the one whose plans we're actively opposing, waltzing up to us in the middle of a goddamn death sewer, asking us for a favor
>we came to this city specifically to gather an army to oppose us, and here he is essentially asking us to help this city
>my mind races, wondering just what kind of intricate, David Xanathos-level scheme he's got going on here that's so important he isn't just pushing our shit in while we're at very low health and with our equipment and armor degraded to near uselessness by the oozes
>briefly wonder if I shouldn't just suicide charge him and join Tyr in Valhalla
>party agrees to help him, mostly out of fear, and wondering just what the hell he has planned
>session ends there, everyone asks DM why the hell the BBEG just recruited use on the middle of a sewer.
>"What, that wasn't the BBEG, what gave you that idea?"
>"maybe just the fact he said his name was goddamn Levistus"
>"Oh, I thought I'd heard that name before; I just picked it cause it sounded cool"
>mfw

>>51532810
the best part is the guy definatly lied about his age.

he was 33

>>51540012
i don't get it.

>>51551349
this is great desu. playing a chef ramsey orc sounds fucking ace

>>51546853

>falling for someone else's actions

Yeah, no.

File: D&D-Real_Life_Edition.jpg (33KB, 300x393px) Image search: [Google]

33KB, 300x393px

>party of 6 playing dnd 3.5
>very good DM, runs a tight ship, good at balancing roleplay and combat, keeps a tight rein on two of the players who try to min/max in insane ways and break his encounters
>One of them still manages to completely break his encounter in a hilariously unexpected way (I dont remember the specifics but we were all in stitches)
>Player asks if he can have some sort of reward for thinking outside the box
>DM thinks for a moment, and then says
>"sure..... I award you... 3 Lustrous Hair Points."
>"What? what does that mean?"
>"it means your hair is approximately 3 points more healthy and shiny."
>"does that translate to any ingame advantage?"
>"yeah, 1000 lustrous hair points can be exchanged for 1 point to your charisma stat"
>the DM would go on to award LHP to anyone who made an excellent bit of roleplay, outside of the box thinking, or just flattered him in a funny way
>He would also penalize LHP for extremely dumb comments, asking obvious questions about the rules, or just annoying him
>this system actually got us all to engage slightly more and we would all compare our LHP total at the end of each adventure
>Several sessions later that same player would go full murderhobo on an important NPC, pissing off the rest of the group and the DM
>He would then spill his drink all over the dm's screen and notes/books while gesturing about something
>MFW he had all 124 of his LHP deducted
>MFW the DM had him roll to avoid baldness
>MFW he rolled a 1
>"please have mercy, my character has a family!"
>ALL of our faces when the DM had his ingame wife leave him for a man named fabio with flowing golden locks later in the session, citing his sudden baldness
>none of us ever reached 1000 points, but goddamn if we didnt have fun with it.
Lustrous hair points were the shit. We dont play together anymore but we still use that as a running joke.

>>51553691
>>51553824
ya well i haven't seen this yet so thanks for reposting bro

>>51553824
I tried to make a thread about fun things DMs do and it died in a thread with 3 posts. If it cant live independently, why shouldnt i post it in the greentext thread?

>>51553843
Any time anon. Im about to DM my own campaign and I'm going to use LHP to entice my players. Maybe some anon out there will be inspired to do the same.

File: fec.jpg (22KB, 600x400px) Image search: [Google]

22KB, 600x400px

>playing 4e
>probably my third or fourth experience DMing
>introduce a friend to DnD for the first time, he rolls up a mindshard (???) sorcerer
>introduce him then to the party ingame
>party instantly attacks him
>wtf
>knock him unconscious
>throw him in a leather sack
>all in the middle of this town's streets
>proceed to all piss inside the bag
>sorcerer regains consciousness
>casts a daily
>hits no one
>they knock him out again
>30 minutes later he wakes up
>right as he wakes up the party's dragonborn paladin shits in the bag
>at this point i don't want to DM for these guys anymore
>campaign ends up going kapoot before they get to the good content anyways
>never play with 75% of the people in that group again
>mfw the sorcerer is the only guy in the group i still play with

>>51553948
Why would you let this idiocy continue past the first guy saying "lol i piss in the bag" as their DM? Do DMs just never say no to their players on this board? Jesus, fucking beta as hell.

>>51554033

He was a newbie still. Newbies make mistakes.

>>51554033
this >>51554054
i was dming homebrew bullshit off a system i had only played 3 games of before decided to dm my own homebrewed campaign after less than two weeks of ADD and vyvanse fueled boredom during my high school homework. the campaign wasn't set up to succeed in the fist place

File: buthwy.gif (4MB, 581x327px) Image search: [Google]

4MB, 581x327px

>>51553948

>>51526353
Those things weight like 15 pounds. A portable hole is much more practical

> d20 with house rules to help friends who have never played pen and paper shit
> all halfling party, in a low fantasy, 17th century euro-esque world cus why not
> did I mention they are drug runners for cartels :-)
> after running errands for their gay cartel boss fernando, they are tasked w/ stealing product from another cartel
> go to house where they store all the shit
> they hear sketchy noises throughout the break in, tension is high
> noobs find hidden entrance to the cellar, burn themselves multiple times from a beginner's trap lul
> NOISE.JPG
> jimmies russl'd
> sneak down, it's dark and PCs can't see shit
> wild druid-ish halfling goes down first, face to face with a golem twice their size
> party: wtf.gif
> half of the party stays up top to keep an eye out while the other half (druid, the thief, tank, and rich kid IIRC) are communicating with this golem and also stealing the loot
> golem is a dwarven child who was stolen away, had their soul sucked from their body (also in the cellar) and placed into the golem because old dwarves in this setting protected their domains with "golems". serves as a last resort to defend cartel leader's merch, actually doesn't do shit because it's a kid and they just want to go home.
> we find out the halfling has dwarven blood in him, knows how to speak broken dwarvish
> golem tells a pretty sad fucking story about their life, from what they remember of childhood to now. lifesucks.jpg basically
> druid/PC, who is also pretty racist against dwarves due to setting reasons, is the one talking to golem
> finds out the golem is actually a dwarf
> themurderhobotest.exe
> druid is actually moved by their story, then disgusted that the cartels (in general, including fernando and their own) would stoop to doing shit like this, even to dwarves. this isn't fucking cool

>>51554434


> after rolling to see if they can find information from their brains or from the house, they find out a way to move the soul from the golem... but rolled just under the marker to not know the bit of knowledge that says you can't move the soul back to its body -- they pass on and die.
> the druid and golem are, at this point in the conversation, bonding and the druid (and others) is trying to reassure the golem that it is going to be safe, it won't be locked in the dark cellar, and it'll be home safe soon.
> they perform the short ritual, destroying the marking/glyph that holds the soul to the rock figure
> the druid is holding the druid's hand while this happens
> "the marking is cut through, and the golem's the hands become still forever."
> party realizes what happened as soon as it occurred
> "fuck, man"

it was, oddly, sobering after that for the rest of the session and for a bit before everyone left. no one was really expecting that, and neither was I because I'm a terrible dm who didn't really put much thought into the campaign (desu I thought they were going to murderhobo everyone all the time)

session ends with them taking all the loot successfully, and a burial for the dwarf's body

File: the sad golems garden part 1.png (2MB, 732x3069px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 732x3069px

I'm wondering if anyone has the screen-cap picture about the villain that would hire the party for some inane task,

and then they'd encounter him in another place and he'd hire them again and they'd do a job for him

and eventually they'd find out about what those "little jobs" spiraled into.

and then they'd try and catch him and he'd escape over and over.

File: the sad golems garden part 2.png (1MB, 728x1932px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 728x1932px

>>51554960

>>51554960
sounds like the tale of Shane the Shy. I don't have a copy saved, unfortunately. awesome story though.

>>51540012
Speaking of which, anyone got that one thread where the haranged DM came to ask if he was being too unfair to his party of morons who accidentally unleashed an ancient demon who pretend to be sealed by more swords that he actually was?

>>51518532
But no really, does someone have the recepie?

>>51555727
Do you really want to go through major ass pain friend?

>>51553503
>"YOU MAKE ASK ME ONE QUESTION"
>"One question each?"
>"No."

and there goes your question.

File: Shane the Shy.png (477KB, 1185x2294px) Image search: [Google]

477KB, 1185x2294px

>>51554960
Delivered.

>>51517407
> Knowledge (water) can be used to learn more about this sword.

>>51524139
Stealing the shit out of this.

>>51553548
>not using the fall-by-proxy rules
>not falling when you allow evil to occur by inaction
>not falling because there is general injustice in the world
It's like you don't even WANT to have to atone for other people's sins.

>>51518687
Catan guy? I am highly curious. Please share.

>>51524139
Stolen

>>51553948
Did they ever give a justification for doing this?

File: What The Fuck.png (340KB, 675x4241px) Image search: [Google]

340KB, 675x4241px

>>51557754
I believe this is it.

File: The life of a cultist.png (79KB, 1237x513px) Image search: [Google]

79KB, 1237x513px

>>51524139
Hows's this ? I need a better filename

>>51558758
wait, someone did it before me, nevermind

>>51553948
What the fuck

>>51557974
What the actual fuck does this even mean
Is this some hardcore S&M shit?

>>51529634
>not making the tree an autistic philosopher
YOU HAD ONE JOB

>>51559019
Why do you think it's titled What The Fuck? and no it's an abusive Dom-Sub relationship obviously.

>>51559086
>obviously
I mean she's getting off from it so I'm not sure anymore if it's simply retarded abusive, or if this is some ridiculously over the top roleplay on her part

>>51557974
lol, thanks.
Eyes Wide Shut Catan, how horrifying.

>>51559111
Who knows, or cares, it's a What The Fuck either way.
>>51559164
No problem.

>>51557974
>Do you Catan?
Every fucking time.

>>51559804
What that that's posted every thread? or it always creeps you the fuck out or makes you kek?

>first time playing Deathwatch
>completely new to the game and mechanics
>I come in late and join as an apothecary Ultramarine
>Land in a drop pod and am filled in on the mission
>planet is infested with tyranids and we're going around doing favors for anyone who asks, and hopefully killing the broodlord in the process
>Walking towards a large hall in the town center, around an almost abandoned city
>lights were on and music was still playing inside
>Clearly it's a trap
>All enter to see a large concert ball, hosted by the governor
>Apparently he thinks the situation isn't dire, so the fucker hosts a massive party for no reason and refuses to let us escort him to safety
>Then out of fucking no-where, gene-stealers start leaking out of the ceiling and pouncing on the nobles within the crowd

>>51560252
>Clearly can't hit the xenos as we'd hit the nobles too, seemed like we needed to charge in and get up close and personal
>our devastator-marine has another idea however
>he unloads into the crowd
>nobles exploding as he continues to fire into the crowd
>none of the bullets even touch the xenos as the local upper-class are reduced to paste
>As one genestealer rushes to gut our inept-devastator marine, the others rush towards us
>I prep by bolter to just unload into the closest thing to me
>aim
>*click*
>Bolter jams and the gene-stealer wrecks my shit in an instant
>apothecary down, the governor is running away, towards imminent death as our assault-marine blunders after him and the devastator is still trying to genocide the local populace before stopping the xenos
>I'm not ready for this shit

>>51518532
>amateur chef
>delicious
this should always be a warning sign

>>51560495
>Eventually we locate where the broodlord is located, a local Promethium plant, and make our way there
>After walking through miles of pipeline, we reach our objective
>DM tells us the broodlord is just below our feet, and we can gain access through a hatch in the floor
>The group quickly discusses our options and someone suggest we just drop some grenades in and be done
> I couldn't think of anything else so I contributed some grenades myself and just stood idle to see what happens
>I watch as one marine kicks open the hatch and the other arms and drops them in
>congratulations
>mission accomplished
>you did it
>good job
>how proud we were


>suddenly 4 out of the six grenades are flung right back up, into our faces

>>51560699
>within seconds everything goes to shit
>the assault marines jump-pack fails and is instantly claimed by the flame
>space wolf who had managed to get through most of the mission without any issues, slipped up and was incinerated in seconds
>I manage to avoid the worst of the explosion, but was still massively damaged
>the devastator takes the brunt of the damage, but is still alive because his character is built like a fucking rock

>>51560699

Sounds like the 'Nam of Deathwatch games

>>51560779
>turns out we're supposed to close the hatch after dropping the grenades in, and the broodlord was a nimble space-roach with tentacles capable of catching the grenades and hauling them back up
>now its just me and the mentally challenged devastator
>I suggest we retreat, patch up and try a second run later
>nope
>devastator snatches the rest of the grenades we had stockpiled
>literally all of them
>runs towards the hatch and leaps in shouting what I could only presume was a litany of sacrifice

"Allu Akbar"

>he pulls all of the grenade pins and detonates them ensuring the broodlord cannot throw them back
>the explosion was massive
>he takes out the broodlord, but also starts a chain reaction blowing up the promithian plant with me still inside on
>I leap from the platform
>fires scorching my cerimite armor
>the explosion propels me further
>I latch onto a blackened, misshapen structural girder as the factory crumbles beneath me, burying my battle-brothers and the beast below
>in the aftermath the

>>51560992
>in the aftermath the Inquisition arrives and tidies up after the fiasco
>the space-marine returns to his deathwatch commander, alone
>he later writes a novel, becoming an Imperial best seller and gets multiple movie releases because of it


Seriously though, we got fucking roasted in that mission

File: 1486117495453.jpg (31KB, 500x500px) Image search: [Google]

31KB, 500x500px

>>51560252
>>51560495
>>51560699
>>51560779
>>51560992
>>51561041
Sounds like that group was a bit fucking retarded, any other interesting stories to share from that lot?

>>51525015
>>51517407

Jesus fuck. That original thread lead me down a dark rabbit hole. The dm of that campaign was trying to lead into a seriously fucked up furry fetish comic called c-snakes. Do not Google it. The wiki for it is horrifying. Furries are subhuman.

>>51561242
there was the fact that the devastator lost every other weapon he owned trying to kill one of our squad

>drops his knife in a pool of strange liquids and cannot find it
>bolter explodes in his hands

I think the DM had him assaulted by rippers to make him stop

>>51527537
I will always allow this kind of paladin.

File: 1422504834373.png (212KB, 427x537px) Image search: [Google]

212KB, 427x537px

>>51524139
>"... her figure distracted me and I forgot whether I was supposed to actually hit the lord or not. gods she was so hot. The things I'd do for..."
I snorted so hard and loudly that my upstairs roommate came down to see if I had died.

File: ohNo.png (29KB, 1000x406px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 1000x406px

>>51547687
Love that one.

This is probably my favourite greentext to come out of /tg/ and it's a shame it's not more popular

>>51557298
F

>>51547687
that's fucking hilarious

>>51555045
Shit I remember that. It was a pretty good set up, if I recall.

File: drow immigrant2.png (190KB, 1332x1373px) Image search: [Google]

190KB, 1332x1373px

>>51522490

File: elf bitch.png (24KB, 1086x1107px) Image search: [Google]

24KB, 1086x1107px

>>51555045
>>51563882
I was there for that thread, but I don't remember if anyone screencapped it. That party was seriously retarded.

>>51564651
So was this elf an ascended PC?

File: 1459798235688.png (209KB, 1093x1874px) Image search: [Google]

209KB, 1093x1874px

>>51564651

>>51564729
How must it feel to know that your players don't find you and your great villain quite as cool as you thought and were posting on a Chinese Mao Zedong praising imageboard behind your back about it?

anyone have the one where the PCs turn a torture cult into a telegram service?

>>51555045
>>51564651
I dunno if anyone screencapped it either, so I just decided to look it up in the archives.

http://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/50579499/

>>51555887
if the recipe is genuine, then you just have to experiment with it to find out what makes the shitting happen and remove that.

scientific method.

File: Pain.png (146KB, 1205x446px) Image search: [Google]

146KB, 1205x446px

>>51565113

>>51565345
But what if that is what makes it tasty?

>>51561325
http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/C-snakes_(species)

fuck you. shouldve kept quiet

>>51553948
Well, at least you got a loyal player out of it.

>>51521936
as sad and tragic as this is, cant isnt this kind of thing pocket change for any kind of epic level caster to fix?

>>51523884
>lolsorandum + muh rollplay

Pure cancer.

>>51565685
Depends on where her curse came from and a soul must be willing to come back via any form of resurrection.

>>51561325
>>51565428
>C-Snakes
I had forgotten. I HAD FORGOTTEN! I EVEN MISSED IT THE FIRST TIME IT WAS MENTIONED IN THIS THREAD! WHY DID YOU BRING THIS UP?!

>>51562792
did you?

>>51565373
Neat-o, friend-o.

>>51566624
you cheeky fucker

File: 1473728866186.gif (1MB, 260x260px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 260x260px

Pathfinder
>I'm 10th level gunslinger
>grouped with a wizard and a mute rogue
>currently trying to save a guy from captivity
>decide that im going to let the guards take me to the cell so my wizard can follow me easily
>manage to hide my gun when they search me
>thrown in cell
>BBEG comes to torture me
>wizbro and rogue show up
>start a fight with him and his 3 guards
>BBEG Circle of death
>kills my wizard and rogue and his guards
>i shoot my gun
>misfire
>"Oh wait wizbro had a paper that can teleport us!"
>BBEG Hits me twice
>Buttclenching as i figure out i live with 1 HP
>Grab paper and Teleport us to a town with 2 Master Mages
>1 mage dies and the other manages to save my mates
mfw the whole time

>>51518532
I have not looked at cosmic brownies the same way since.

File: HIGH MORTALITY ROLE PLAY.png (635KB, 1185x2562px) Image search: [Google]

635KB, 1185x2562px

This is part of the All Guardsman Party. An epic saga. I also have chapter 1. You should be able to find the rest on thisisnotatrueending.

File: All Guardsmen 1.png (2MB, 1140x8793px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 1140x8793px

>>51567816
By the way, this author was also the one who did Shane the Shy and a couple others I'll be posting.

File: Potato of Faith.png (338KB, 1185x1427px) Image search: [Google]

338KB, 1185x1427px

>>51567837

File: Roll20.png (374KB, 1271x2536px) Image search: [Google]

374KB, 1271x2536px

>>51567847

File: Thorgun, Trader Barbarian.png (464KB, 1680x2377px) Image search: [Google]

464KB, 1680x2377px

>>51567859

File: Tommy Troll Fucker.png (351KB, 1185x1971px) Image search: [Google]

351KB, 1185x1971px

>>51567871

File: Terrible Decisions.jpg (50KB, 360x465px) Image search: [Google]

50KB, 360x465px

Once upon a time I played a game of 3.5 where we decided to be the evilest goddamn drow on the planet.
>Decide to play a Transumation wizard using the Fleshcrafting skill from Lords of Madness to be wizard frankenstein.
>Start grafting magic items onto myself once I get the option to.
>Particularly proud of the +2 Claw Gauntlet on my arm, because now I can never be disarmed.
>Oh, how I wish.
>By sixth level I've got talismans embedded in my chest, rings grafted to my fingers, and my familiar is basically half robot. Also picked up some nice stuff like a magic staff from some dead elves.
>As a reward from a quest, we each get 1 draw of the Deck of Many Things.
>This can only end well.
>Sorcerer draws the "You now have a free castle and bonus charisma" thing, making him even more minmaxed.
>Okay, maybe this won't be so bad.
>Fighter draws the free gold and xp.
>Alright, my turn.
>Draw the Talons.
>Huh, what does that do?
>"All magic items you possess dissapear permanently."
>MOTHERFUCK

I lost many limbs that day. We fixed it, but it was a problem.

File: Volg Causes a Paradox.png (218KB, 1185x964px) Image search: [Google]

218KB, 1185x964px

>>51567884
Would be nice if someone posted Shoggy the dog I don't have it for some reason.

File: Absolutely Halal.jpg (322KB, 531x471px) Image search: [Google]

322KB, 531x471px

>>51567847

>mfw it's literally the guys from The Truth
>down to the potato

File: Yupp+_2311b53ddbab91c9f89f8c0f9c2fbac1.png (153KB, 281x297px) Image search: [Google]

153KB, 281x297px

>>51567887
Atleast you weren't far enough to collapse into a sack of skin

File: fuckelves.png (29KB, 219x264px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 219x264px

> Be in a group running Pathfinder
> Entire group fails a will save to avoid being put to sleep
> Wake up in a cell
> Learn that we were imprisoned by elves
> Elves have been suspiciously absent throughout the campaign thus far
> Our collective faces when
> Oracle and Summoner both decide that the only appropriate course of action is to use every spell slot they have available to summon a small army
> The cramped room suddenly houses 18 dire bears, 9 lemures, 7 hellhounds, and 7 skeletons, plus our five man group for a grand total of 46 entities crammed into a 10x10 room
> The sheer amount of things existing in such a small area attracts the attention of everyone within earshot
> The elves open the door and are immediately mauled by the summons
> Take advantage of the chaos to slink away unnoticed
> Meanwhile, the summons escape into the village and begin wantonly slaughtering every living thing
> DM forces an alignment change for all of us, which we happily accept

Fucking knife ears.

>>51517407
>Magic tattoo
>A race that's supposed to represent blacks/indians
It's a fucking pony game, isn't?

File: Frylock.jpg (41KB, 480x360px) Image search: [Google]

41KB, 480x360px

>>51568001

>>51565404
Then we find a substitute. Cocacola had cocaine, and now it doesnt.

Supposedly.

>>51568030
Disbelieve if you want, mate. I have a stupid amount of stories involving this group. As it turns out, a bunch of assholes that don't actually give a shit playing ironically pumps stories out on an assembly line.

File: shoggy the seldom dog.jpg (984KB, 1074x4851px) Image search: [Google]

984KB, 1074x4851px

>>51567898
Here, guy has them all on his site

>>51567933
At what point does it transition from homage/reference to ripoff I wonder.

>>51567952
Indeed. The replacement arm was awesome though. We took a bunch of adamantine cord, put spikes on the ends, and then jury rigged up a permanent animate rope spell and had it coil up my sleeve as a prosthetic limb. Came in handy way more often than it should have.

>>51568182
Thank you anon. Would you happen to know the website name? I didn't know he'd made one.

>>51568207
http://www.theallguardsmenparty.com/

>>51545857
I'll take "Shit That Never Happened" for $500, Alex.

>>51568247
Wonderful. Thank you again. I'll need to bookmark that. He still hasn't finished the story.

>>51565689
>nu-/tg/
The cancer is real

>>51521526
good is relative I still have to zoom in at least 125% to stand fucking reading it without leaning forward.

>>51568862
Does this takes into account opening it into a larger window ? Because I did that and can still read fine despite having bad eyesight

File: Maybe try a rock.png (722KB, 924x886px) Image search: [Google]

722KB, 924x886px

>decide to run a small game for friends
>everyone wants to play monsters, so we go with that
>an old troll friend from an prior game is kidnapped
>a fire giant with an army of orcs chains him up in a deep mine
>the friends of the troll decide it's time to rescue
>the team consists of a wight fighter, a drider monk, and a myconid wizard
>team commences their Navy SEALS covert operation
>orcs picked up in the dark left and right without their comrades noticing
>they reach a tunnel lined with tracks
>"the perceptive myconid notices that the floors are oddly clean"
>my friend knows what it means immediately and demands everyone to halt
>"that is a clear sign of an ooze"
>other friend gets a bright idea and starts dragging dead orcs to the tunnel
>friend and I are unsure of her plan
>"I pick up a dead orc and toss it"
>she rolls poorly and can barely move the body
>"the drider tries again"
>say fuck it, let her continue to try over and over
>foot by foot, she fails to give it a good toss and slowly just moves it along
>friend and I are in hysterics after 18 failures to roll anything above a 15
>the myconid player finally speaks up
>"you realize we've taken cover behind a cart full of rocks you could be throwing, right?"
>its now 4am and we're all so tired and loopy that our sides are in orbit
>eventually have to take a 20 minute break due to laughter pains


I think this is the hardest any of us have ever laughed during a game. We had to call it a night after this point because none of us can manage any sort of composure. Sometimes you just gotta let your friends roll it out, it can lead to some fun times.

File: imagioli.png (786KB, 680x885px) Image search: [Google]

786KB, 680x885px

>>51568030
>players respond to be inconvenienced with overwhelming force

There... there are players that don't do this?

>>51518532
Currently taking a shit and laughing my ass off

File: 1472998263594.gif (14KB, 420x473px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 420x473px

>>51568030
can confirm
t. the wizard that got them out of their cell and then watched a village of drow be mauled

>be wizard
>seeing death and destruction
>tell oracle and summoner to call the summons back so we can diplomacy
>they call them back
>clarion to the survivors to come and parley
>get a poison bolt to the back for my trouble
>oracle and summoner don't take kindly to the wizard being shot for trying to stop the village from dying
>release summons again
>let them kill everything
>oracle heals wizard through star power nonsense that as an arcane class i can't be assed to understand
>i also managed to lose an arm to a jihadi drow during this exchange because unconcious + reflex save is hard
>now i am a one armed wizard
>wake up, vow to kill every knife ear i come across
>burn village to the ground

File: 1486170754323.gif (153KB, 294x350px) Image search: [Google]

153KB, 294x350px

>>51518532
I love it.

File: flonne-clap.gif (186KB, 500x375px) Image search: [Google]

186KB, 500x375px

>>51520339
>running a lich in my current campaign
not going anywhere near this far but once I introduce him I'm gonna take some pages outta this dude's book.

File: Kamen Rider W 48.avi_snapshot_21.14_[2010.09.01_22.07.17].png (256KB, 704x396px) Image search: [Google]

256KB, 704x396px

>>51521936

>>51568182

Honestly, the fact that we had a genuine Mr Pin and Tulip (with name swapping, and with the Tulip expy evidently dying as quickly as his original required) is kind of entertaining.

Personal favorite moment.

>End of a campaign lasting months. Searching high and low across the Forgotten Realms to find a beautiful princess we need to rescue to bring peace to a kingdom.
>Spend half the game searching for this bow that will kill anything it strikes, but can only be fired once.
>Spend another huge chunk searching for a piece of meteorite we get carved into an arrowhead that can pierce the flesh of the bad guy.
>Final battle. Princess is hanging from a rope, nude as you'd expect, from the ceiling of the temple chamber while the villain talks to us. She screams for help.
>Ranger (me) aims the arrow that should END THE CAMPAIGN after all this.
>Critical miss.
>DM declares the arrow missed his head by a hair's breadth.
>Flies straight past him and hits the girl in the forehead, killing her instantly.

>Me: "Oops."
>Rest of party. "'Oops'?!?!"

>>51567859
>one of my friends has never roleplayed before
>running them in an online D&D campaign
>keep the group closed because we're xenophobic as fuck
>it's going fucking fantastic
No D&D is just better without randos.

Also I have a studio mic and we all use voice activity in Discord. Because I need to see their rolls they all roll in chat, but when I roll, all they hear is dice hit desk. Lets me be so much more fucking dramatic.

>>51545165
Yes.

A lot of terminology is slung around, but the majority of the story boils down to "one DM is a fucking asshole who crashed and burned a game into a specific anime character having a loli harem" and "The other DM is an asshole for ignoring any and all sense of rhyme and reason in attempts to get someone to fuck something, anything, and at has to actually bribe people to stay. "


Both times the DM was a massive sperglord "That DM" that couldn't handle their precious shit getting ruined or out of their hands in the slightest ways, and apparently both times they bullied someone that couldn't feasibly refuse into playing their DMPC that had no actual power and was just there as wank bait.

All terminology aside, thats the long and short of it.

File: 1485317611145.jpg (73KB, 640x479px) Image search: [Google]

73KB, 640x479px

>>51566106
Because misery loves company friend. I can't suffer alone.
Goddamn are my Jimmies russling.

File: 40 keks.png (260KB, 358x310px) Image search: [Google]

260KB, 358x310px

>>51554137
underrated post

File: e8f676e1-4547-491c-c994-72076ba73ed7.png (207KB, 480x480px) Image search: [Google]

207KB, 480x480px

This is from the weirdest homebrew game I've ever had the grace of playing. Sorry.

>campaign is basically one of those "whatever the fuck you want fictions"
>DM loves roleplaying so he actually spent a lot of time on the mechanics perfected over like 10 years of playing the game (still changes like every campaign but that's besides the point)
>mostly just a d100+bonuses
>Group is like 8-10 people
>all varied races and classes from various fictions
>So we're trying to hunt down the BBEG iirc
>we end up needing to go into this town to meet this guy, but the town doesn't allow any mages or magic of any sort
>the mages all have to stay behind and us true masters of combat go to meet our contact
>outside the city is a group of armed bandits
>we are all crazy multidimensional badasses
>they are regular thugs
>we roll to group intimidate
>roll pretty good
>bandits roll to resist
>fucking nat 100
>gm stares dumbfounded as he has to make this an encounter now
>we roll initiative
>all of us at the bottom
>thugs go first
>start rolling crits non-stop
>GM is dumbfounded
>we roll and all fail horrifically
>GM's head falls into his hands
>mfw an encounter he planned to take 2 seconds ended up taking almost an hour because the bandits would not stop critting us and we didn't have our mages for backup
Fuck those bandits.

The worst part is every round we'd roll to see if we could just intimidate them for being way tougher and a bigger group. They never rolled below 90.

File: 1474117035098.jpg (16KB, 255x204px) Image search: [Google]

16KB, 255x204px

>>51520547
this took me like 2 hours to read

cool

>>51565345
It sounds to me like he put Cosmic brownies in a blender and then probably shoved in tons of yogurt or milk.

>>51571591
> 2 hours
Anon, it's not THAT long.

>>51515870

I've got one about a ridiculous twist/sequel hook our DM set up. I don't know if i love him or hate him now, but i just know my actions are going to come back and bite us all in the arse when the sequel happens.

For context, i don't know if anyone remembers, but i'm the guy who played an old-school decker/rigger in DM's High Fantasy Shadowrun homebrew, and asked you elegan/tg/entry whether or not i should use a suspicious lelfin salve to heal my burnt arm.

>Last session of the campaign, and everyone gets their own little epilogue.
>Mine involves going back home to New Seattle with my lelfin waifu.
>Also punching the dragon bastard who sent me to that high-fantasy world in the goolies.
>Get out of dimensional gate, which is now in a technological complex i guess. He's right there. Bigger than i remember, DM says.
>"Oh, hello there buddy! How was your trip? Must have been nice since you took so long to get back!"
>This dragon is trying to be buddy-buddy after what he did? Really?
>Put on my best suave friendly unsealed evil voice. "Oh, it was lovely!"
>Hack into the controls of a crane nearby. "In fact, why don't you go take a look?"
>use the crane to grab a random container, lead the dragon a bit closer. "After all, the gate is still open, right?"
>"Have a good trip!" I sy, as i steer the crane to bump the dragon into the gate with the container.
>Can't help but feel like DM's voice acting of his frightened scream is a bit too happy? "Send the box marked Dimensional Excursion after meeeeee!"
>Let's honor his last wish. Lelf commandeers the crane, i guide the container in question through the gate.
>Gate shuts down. Now to get out of here.
>Time in the other world prepared me very well for hacking into the local security network. Cybered guards are blind, and those without cyber are blocked away from my route.
>Find a big office, fit for a dragon. Let's check the files.
>DM starts listing files, decide to look into a few.

(cont'd)

>>51572372

(cont'd)

>Things like Fake Death Notes.txt, The usual.txt, Dragonheart.txt...
>Eventually reach one called My will(Only to be read after my death).txt Open it up, DM starts rattling off a list of things which seems awfully familiar.
>Interrupt him, decide to look at the name plate on the desk.
>DM: The nameplate reads "Dunkelzahn -The Big D- CEO of-" The rest is too worn out to read.
>Wait what.
>In character, just keep reading the will, and other files. Apparently the limo explosion at the Watergate Hotel only took the life of a lesser dragon disguised as him.
>Out of character, everyone at the table is freaking out. My character just threw Dunkelzahn into a dimensional gate! The fake death notes even had a link to the news article about the incident!
>Session ends with my character, and his lelfin waifu, stealing some credits from the complexes safes and running off to build a house somewhere in Finland and live there for a while before turning to shadowrunning.

>>51573768
Was the DM's girlfriend in the game?
>DM is cheating on his girlfriend with a TTRPG waifu character

>>51573768
>killed the GM's waifu
In D&D, there's an adage, "if it has stats, the players will find a way to kill it." If a DM's dumb enough to put his waifu into the game, with stats, and then pit her against the party as an enemy combatant, then he deserves whatever happens.

>>51575099
If a DM puts in his waifu he should probably take care to give it utterly overwhelming power. Or make it a meta PC i.e. a GMPC with GM powers.

File: i like this.png (131KB, 258x238px) Image search: [Google]

131KB, 258x238px

>>51565373
Fuckin A,anon.

>>51572372
>>51572381
I dunno whether it'd be funnier if the contents of the "Dimensional Excursion" box were a "fuck you, return trip" kit or a "fuck yeah, multiplanar big game hunting" kit.

At any rate, Dragonheart.txt should've been your group's "oh fuck" sign.

File: She's getting raped by a porc.jpg (36KB, 266x268px) Image search: [Google]

36KB, 266x268px

>>51575099
>he deserves whatever happens
Word.

>>51557903
How do you even steal this? The setup requires a very specific spell with a very specific wording from the players.

>>51575563
I mean the encounter

>>51575445
furries begone

File: fungal ant.jpg (128KB, 800x533px) Image search: [Google]

128KB, 800x533px

>>51565428
That isn't even too bad. It's just a parasite.

>>51575736
Ah yes, cordyceps aka mind control zombie fungi.
Fucking nature.

>>51575736
It eats you from the inside out, enhances your fetishes, rewires your nerves to only feel pleasure and feel it more intensely, eventually takes your body over, and turns you into a vector for a parasitic, flesh-eating, body-jacking STI.

>>51575310
I've put my waifu in a campaign once
I prepared her stats beforehand and made her obscenely OP
One of the idiots attacked, she killed him, and kept talking with the party

>>51575893
I don't know what's with murderhobos and attacking overpowered NPCs
It wasn't my waifu but I had one of the NPCs explicitly say "I can use PW:K" to a fighters (level 6) giving her too much cheek
The players thought she was trying to bluff them or something.

>>51575636
>I mean the encounter
An assassin in a crowd? That's not exactly terribly original or creative, man.

>>51575924
The setup of the actual assassin in a crowd being a distraction
I have an assassin in a crowd scenario coming up already, I'm just going to spice it.

>>51575921
Dumb barbarians trying to get payed more or using muscles to haggle
Now that works, many times, but not with fucking quest givers that are clearly wielding magic OP weapons

>>51576040
I mean when the NPC in question has the ephitet of "Sun Goddess"...

File: TheAllGuardsmenParty.pdf (1B, 486x500px)

1B, 486x500px

>>51567816
>>51567837
if you can live without the images I made a book of the first couple parts too, attachment related

also shoggy has a google drive somewhere with the latest stuff

>>51576527
Is...is this LaTeX?

>>51575758
Still better than the mind enslaving parasitic wasp.
Can't give you a name just now, but if you didn't know, some wasps lay their eggs inside of living caterpillars where their children feed off of the caterpillar, and then eat their way out before forming their own cocoon for getting their proper form.
Crazy part? The caterpillar actually then proceeds to protect the was children from other predators until it dies either from a predator or plainly starvation.
Fucking nature is right.

>>51576582

Looks like that kind of formatting.

>>51575821
Don't forget the swollen genitals, which by the way is a legit symptom of a real parasitic worm.
Elephantiasis Tropica. Don't google that either.

File: 14629048952_f4ee088a5f_b.jpg (220KB, 1024x683px) Image search: [Google]

220KB, 1024x683px

>>51576604
Aye, read about those.
In fact, quite a lot of "fucking nature" things around.

There's also these fucking things that take over their host, infects their brain and eventually drowns them to get back into water.

>>51576645
Problem is, with the snakes, the swollen genitals are to hold more snakes. Eventually it also spreads to the abdominal cavity, making the infected look fat/pregnant.

Oh, and, the enhanced libido and sex drive, which is as a direct result of the pink slime they produce from their skin.

So, this thing literally overrides your self control, drives you to rape everyone you see, and eventually kills you off and takes your place as either a near-feral sex beast that lives only to fuck and spread the infection, or actively absorbs your memories and replaces you, using your position to spread the infection.

And people get off to this. Somehow.

>>51576685
From the thumbnail, it looked like the worm and the grasshopper(?) were the same creature. Looked like some sort of Cthuloid abomination.
Not that it's any less of one now.

File: the party's bard picks up necromancy.gif (1MB, 400x256px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 400x256px

>>51520339
My players appreciate a good comedy. I am shamelessly stealing this idea. Though, perhaps I would do something as dull as the frog thing.

>>51557036
That sounds like a supremely awful way of playing Paladins.

>>51520339
To be honest why would you even try to stop him for half of those things

>>51559077
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFWQjyr3efE

>>51576582
sure is. also says so on page 5

>>51565685
Cant fix death by old age.

>>51577781
Wish?

>>51577942
Even Wish and Miracle don't work iirc

>>51565685
Well, the funny thing is, you might not need to fix it.

While it's a bit fuzzy in places, according to lore souls literally just go to Planescape.
The "Afterlife" is one and the same with places like Bytopia, Celestia, Arcadia, so on, depending on who the person's god was/what they deserve.

So technically, he could have just gone to the plane she ends up in, kick the ass of whatever cosmic guardian is put in place to keep the afterlife part separate, and reunited with her there.

If you think about it, fighting your way through the pearly gates just to reunite with a lost loved one, is pretty metal.

>>51522384
My grandfather had this picture in his bedroom, for the longest time when I was a kid, I thought the painting was of him

>>51577781
Of course you can.
Becoming a Lich or a vampire negates the whole aspect of age.

And you can negate aging effects with a Wish if the DM is okay with it, or just make a pact with a powerful deity/fiend/fey etc. Mechanically, only Wish and becoming a Lich or Vampire would work, but RP wise you have a lot of options.