Stat us /tg/

Is that the guy from Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings

>>50788272
Halfling, Half-orc, Human (with fey hair)

Halfling just throws on pointless shit and gets unreasonably interested in gimmicks.
Half-orc wants it bigger. Stronger. More POWER.
Human wants it comfy

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>>50788272

>>50788272
Gnome rogue, goliath monk, human artificer*.

(*if you haven't seen any of "James May: The Reassembler", you are missing out on the comfiest and most autistic piece of television ever produced)

>>50788304
We all wish he was

>>50788652
and most of his solo shows to a lesser extent. Would love to spend an afternoon hanging out with that man

>tfw May, Hammond, Clarkson and the Stig will never do a D&D podcast

>>50788965
>The Stig just rolls dice in silence

>>50788965
>Stig would be great DM.

>>50791470
Some say.. he designed the Red Sun setting based on his childhood. And that he can roll a natural 20 on 2d6. All we know is he's called the DM.

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>>50791518
>and that he can roll a natural 20 on 2d6.

>"Hammond."
>"Yes Jeremy?"
>"Why does it say here in the rules that we cannot have a car?"
>"Because this is a fantasy setting and there's no cars in a fantasy setting."
>"May, how far away is our objective?"
>"Oh, I'd say about 500 km."
>"How are we supposed to get there without a car?"
>"We walk you oaf."
>"That's just rubish".

>>50791863
Their voices read this out to me.

>>50791863
>Top Gear: Middle Earth
I'd watch the shit out of it.

>>50788272
Excitable Halfling
Overly Dramatic Human
Slow Human

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10592419/1/Top-Gear-3025

/btg/ approved

>>50791863
>"No, this is a stupid idea and you're just going to drag the fight on for *literally* hours and then die."
>"Rubbish. Okay, I grappled it. It's a 12!"
>"So?"
>"So what?"
>"Well do the, math thing. Go on, we'll be waiting."
>"hrmrhrhr"
>"What?"
>"Hrmrhrhr."
>"Louder?"
>"I left the book at the office."
>"And you don't know the rules?"
>"No."
>"Well why did you... you gangly, wooly-headed oaf, what did you think was going to happen tonight when at any point someone might have had to consult one of those ridiculous stat blocks?"
>"That someone being you, because you insisted on playing a homosexual praying mantis."
>"It a THRI-KREEN."
>"It's a gay mantis. James, how do I grapple with an octopus?"
>"...I don't know."

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>>50792384
>>50791863

>>50792384
>"Alright, who's playing what."
>"Well, you, I surmise, will be some ridiculously muscular-"
>"Rogue."
>"Rogue. What possessed you, of all people, to pick that?"
>"Because rogues are smart, and therefore I'm the most qualified here to play one. James, you wear robes, you'll be the wizard."
>"Very well, I'm content with wielding phenomenal cosmic powers."
>"What should Hammond play."
>"Hang on, you can't decide for me what I'm going to play."
>"I can, and I have. Hammond, you're going to be a gnome barbarian."
>"I'm not playing a sodding gnome!"
>"Well you're not playing a gay insect again."
>"No, I'm playing an elf."
>"Are you. Okay, what's his name?"
>"Hers."
>"Oh god..."
>"Don't get excited James."
>"I wouldn't call it excited, exactly. More like mortified."
>"No look, last time he spent two hours doing Turkish wrestling with an octopus and you had that weird gleam in your eye every time the Stig said the word 'dungeon', now is my turn. And my elf is going to be called Sheila."
>"Chainmail bikini?"
>"Oh yes."
>"Alright, Stig's getting irritated, let's start. James, you have the initiative."
>"I cast fairy fire on Hammond."

>"Everyone done? James, stop being a pedant."
>"It's a mechanically complex game with many intricate details, I can't just grab my class features with an excavator."
>"You go first, he'll be parsing the checklist for eons."
>"Right. Everyone ready? Rogue, straight, CE-"
>"Obviously."
>"-yes, human, because humans invented the only reason rogues exist in the first place, AND I rolled two 18's, which will go into INT and DEX. Leather armor, stylish, a sword, a crossbow, rapid shot, which I can use to shoot many poisoned arrows, and, my piece de resistance, improved invisibility three times per day."
>"How can you have that and all those bonus feats on a straight level 10 rogue?"
>"Variant human."
>"You cheating sod."
>"I was all for the vanilla experience but you two insisted on using third party material..."
>"Alright, alright. Ahem. Elf, fighter-"
>"Elf fighter, James."
>"Yeah."
>"ANYWAY, elf, fighter, dash, so I can get to the enemy faster, and improved initiative so I can act first and crush my opposition in the surprise round!"
>"Skills?"
>"Doesn't have any."
>"Weapon?"
>"Spear. Weapon focus AND weapon specialization."
>"Oh dear. James, please put the pencil down."
>"Might as well, for I am done."
>"Okay, let' see it."
>"Human wizard, LG, the best kind of G, as everyone knows, abjurant champion, force missile mage, incantatrix, and arcane scholar of candlkeep."
>"What?"
>"You haven't let me finish. Combining sequester chains, entwine and repeat spell and time stop easily available from scrolls at our wealth level, I can and in fact do reliably launch in excess of 1500 magic missiles by the end of my third turn."

>>50795626
>"1500 missiles!?"
>"Hammond."
>"1500 bloody missiles!"
>"Hammond. Shhh. Magic missiles. Level 1 spell."
>"Oh. Oh yes. Stopped by shield, was it?"
>"Yes."
>"Ah-ha! That's what you two would think, but you'd be wrong, because at this rank of force missile mage my magic missiles *ignore* the shield spell."
>"Night shield. Also level 1."
>"Oh sod."
>''Globe of invulnerability."
>"Alright-"
>"Minor."
>"Alright, there are SOME weaknesses. Which will hopefully succumb to Barbie the Barbarian and Robbin' the Hood. Can any of you do anything other than piercing damage?"
>"...Not me. Hammo?"
>"Nope."
>"You do know how much the Stig loves oozes? And undead?"
>"We'll be fine. I mean, how hardcore can it be."

I just want to stick my head in and say you made me chuckle, Anon.

>>50788272
3 old overly privilidged old males.
A group encounter, where they throw at you puns so lame it cause real, physical damage

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>>50788272
>Hammond
Str: average, possibly slightly below
Con: high - survived a jet-car crash, skied during the Polar Challenge
Dex: assuming dex is the driving skill it's going to be reasonably high for all of them
Int: slightly lower, but still pretty average
Wis: seems fairly average
Cha: fairly high - he's generally "the good-looking one", after all

>Clarkson
Str: little above average - see size and hammer skills
Con: low - May reckons one of the biggest limiting factors on Grand Tour's length as a series is Clarkson's decrepitude
Dex: Again, the man drives cars for his job. Probably the lowest though, the rest of the time
Int: he's at least fairly bright, though he makes great pains to appear not to be
Wis: Low. Seriously low. See below
Cha: High. Very, very high, and definitely not dependant on looks.
When you punch someone for no reason, and people call for the punchee to be sacked because they like you so much, that's high fucking CHA

>May
Con: average
Dex: probably the lowest of the 3 - kinda closest to the regular average
Int: average - may be slightly higher than the others, may just be his personality
Wis: average
Cha: average - May is a very average bloke

The Stig
Con: -
Dex: -
Int: -
Wis: -
Cha: -
All we know is, he's called the Stig

>>50788272
Clarkson
>Male Half-Orc Inquisitor (of POWAAAAAAH!)
Hammond
>Male Halfling Bard that sings the praises of American Muscle cars
May
>Male Human Cleric (preaches the tenets of the Dacia Sandero--practicality, affordability, reliability)

>>50798381
>Con: high - survived a jet-car crash, skied during the Polar Challenge
And a lot of normal crashes and rolls. Many of them in the same town.