meanwhile on dragon /tg/

>Does not know the difference between horde and >hoard

Anyone else getting tired of their players acting like complete newts in heat? Seems like every session at least one of my players will "roll to seduce the human". I mean come on guys, grow up and keep your mundane realm out of the game.

>>50389786
Find yourself a blonde chick to be your mouthpiece.

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>be me
>powerful black dragon
>master necromancer also
>arrive to default kingdom
>sit in my cave, spawn zombies occasionally
>they send 3 heroes to kill me: an archer, a warrior and a mage
>fake my defeat
>use necromantic dragon breath
>the archer becomes the vampire, the warrior becomes the death knight and the mage becomes the lich
>my spirit now lingers inside of them
>i have become three
>raze the kingdom and build my undead empire

lol

>>50389786
>Horde
>Hoard
You have to be at least 90 winters to post on this board, anon.

>>50389786
>Red Dragon
Well there's your first problem. You should've been a better color, like Blue.

And I'm not saying I'm better because I'm Blue, I'm just saying Blues are better in general.

>>50390562
Kalecgos pls go and stay go.
God, I hated that fucker.

>>50389786
Well, first, you fucked up, little Red. It's "hoard", not "horde".

However, all is not lost! Now that you have a horde, you can use them to loot and pillage your way across the land in order to collect a proper hoard.

Better still, try not to be seen by the other humanoids. When your horde is inevitably defeated, you can make off with all the treasure your horde has gathered for you, without the humanoids suspecting a thing; indeed, they'll even think they've won the day.

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>>50390562
>Blue
>Better in general

As if you cattlefucking sandkobolds had anything on good proud northern stock !!
Your female loves them hard, long and colds, not like YOUR little wyrm !!

>>50391033
Hey. Whitey.

Solve this.

4(4x) + 2x = 72

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>>50391033
I can confirm I do not like it cold. At all.

And I bet my actual kobolds are better than you.

>>50391073

X=4

>>50389786

It takes time fledgling. Listen, first you enact a breeding program and select for the traits you desire (I recommend size. Selecting for emotional or mental traits is difficult, and half the time it doesn't seem to work, but selecting for size is easy). Then, you pick a representative to act as your prophet and set yourself up as their God. Teach the prophet some magic so they can force them into line so you don't have to bother every time yourself. If they really fuck up and your prophet is having troubles, then you come down and torch the unbelievers. Reward good behavior .Give it three or four generations of this, and bam. Perfectly loyal subjects, who will do anything for their 'God'.

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>>50391112
Huh, a White that can do basic math.

Carry on, then.

>>50390112

Its all the rage nowadays with the fledlings to collect barbarians. I actually tried it myself, and it's been pretty profitable. See once you have them trained properly your horde can be sent to collect more gold and valuables for your hoard. And you don't have to excert yourself, or risk your existing hoard by leaving it. You should try it old wurm.

>>50389806
>the joke
>your white draconic head

>>50390562

You can't blame a fledgling for what color they hatched. Blame their parents for breeding, or more properly accept responsibility for your failure to stop it.

Dragonborn here, you guys all suck. I'm glad my ancestors cucked you guys.

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Hey chromatics. Have you ever though about....you know....not being a bunch of dickweedles who murder everything and steal everything? Just start a bank and you get to sit on piles of gold all day and people will pay you to do it.

>>50389786
>Nomadic horde-ruling dragon
Yes... YES!

>>50389806
>>50390112
joke
~wezoooow~
your heads

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>>50390562
FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU

NOTHING SYMBOLISES THE PROMISE OF IMPENDING VIOLENCE LIKE A GLORIOUS RED. THE COLOUR OF A SUN SETTING ON AN OBSTINATE EMPIRE FOR THE LAST TIME, OR A MAGMA FLOW POISED TO SWEEP THROUGH A CROWDED STREET. THE COLOUR OF FIRE, OF BLOOD, OF WONDERFUL -POWER-, THE ONLY THINGS THAT MATTER IN LIFE.

OTHER COLOURS GO HOME, YOU'RE SHIT. WHAT DOES BLUE SYMBOLISE? WATER? OH MAN I'M QUAKING IN MY ELEGANT YET FUNCTIONAL GOLDEN CLAWGUARDS. WHAT DOES IT STAND FOR? INTELLIGENCE? PLEASE - IF YOU NEED TO MAKE A PLAN TO OBTAIN WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS, THEN YOU'VE ALREADY FAILED AT STEP ONE OF BEING A DRAGON. MIGHT AS WELL JUST FUCKING KILL YOURSELF THEN AND THERE, DO THE REST OF THE SPECIES A FAVOUR.

WHEN PEOPLE THINK OF DRAGONS, THEY THINK OF RED DRAGONS. CONSIDER THAT THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT AND CRAWL BACK TO YOUR DESERT TO CONSIDER THE MISFORTUNE YOU SUFFERED AT BIRTH WHEN YOU EMERGED BLUE INSTEAD OF RED, YOU OVERGROWN SAND GECKO.

>>50391033
AND YOU'RE JUST STRAIGHT UP RETARDED, SON. I DON'T BELIEVE INTELLIGENCE IS REQUIRED TO FIND GLORY AND POWER IN LIFE, BUT DAMN, THERE'S A LIMIT, YOU KNOW? THAT LIMIT IS BEING ABLE TO PERFORM BASIC MATHEMATICS WITHOUT DROOLING ALL OVER YOURSELF, MAYBE READ A FUCKING BOOK ONCE IN A WHILE AND YOU'D BE MORE WISE THAN YOUR AVERAGE HUMAN PEASANT.

IGNORE WHITE POSTS, DON'T RESPOND TO WHITE POSTERS.

FUCKING DEGENERATES.

>>50390003
>powerful black dragon
>black
>dragon

>>50391250
This is why nobody invites you to parties, Red.

>>50391242
Go away ND.

I'm thinking of giving up on WarFare.
I've been a Kobold player since second edition, and things were pretty good back in fourth, but now...
Plus keeping all my swarm in line is a pain, and they keep dying of old age. I was looking at collecting Goblins, but I hear they live 20 years at most.

Warlords Shopee any better to Elf players?

>>50391293
What's wrong with that, asshat? What are you, silver?

>>50389786
Any of you fucks knows of a good area to shack up and stash my gold without being disturbed by pesky adventurers? This mortals are popping up like mushrooms.

>>50391300
Normal goblins can get up to 60 years, though good luck finding any that got so far without getting offed by another or being some sort of cleric, sorcerer or whatever. Stick to kobolds ir get your hands dirty in demonic and starts collecting gnolls.

>>50391344
Nice try sir knight.

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>>50391215
Hey, you try starting a bank in the middle of the fucking desert.

>>50391315
>just assuming my color

It's a joke meng. Go back to tumblr and hate the evil silver dragons that are ruining dargonkind.

>>50391378
>dargonkind
Oh you are white I see.

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>>50391215
Tried it.

Didn't like it.

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>>50391213

>cucked

Your deluding yourself if you think you were born of a union initiated by those hairless apes. Hummies don't cuck dragons, dragons make use of humans as cock sleeves. You are the shameful byproduct of some degenerate fledglings lust.

>>50391378
>White

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>>50391362
I'm serious brethren. Its not like i swore an oath to a petty lord or something.

>>50391299
YOUR RESISTANCE ONLY MAKES MY PRESENCE HARDER

fucking chromatics stay out of my lair
REEEEEEEEEEE

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>>50391215
Humans farm lesser creatures and no one complains about it. I farm lesser creatures and suddenly everyone complains about it.

>>50391215
>He unironically consorts with lower races.
Not a real hoard.

So I screwed a human out of curiousity and apparently I have a daughter now. The human I bred with is a gigantic faggot who keeps going on about status and establishing a noble lineage. Lulziest way of dealing with him?

>>50391819
Kidnap your daughter, teach her how to use her draconic magic, then have the kid rampage through the faggot's town.

Afterwards, you'll be her only parent, and then she can go out and murderhobo to get you loot to expand your hoard with.

>>50391819
>>50391892
this
half-breeds can put in some decent work, and aren't as unruly as wymrlings

>>50391366
Have you tried making a.... sandbank?

So, uhm fellow dragonites! I sure hate humans, but when fighting those pesky knights and their honourable squires and footfolk...
What location should I really defend, y'know, what spot should I really not get hit at?

>>50391971
maw
make sure you never open your maw when dealing with mortals
they taste like dung, and aren't worth wasting breath

>>50391971

............tell you what. Come around and see me in person and I'll show you. I've taken up residence in the Mountains of Spyrta by the ivory coast. Just make your way to the mountain range and announce yourself to my cultists, they will lead you to me and we can talk this over "fellow dragon"

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>>50392000
Thank you my fine fellow lizard! So besides the maw, that's pretty easy to defend.

Do I have any other weak-spots? Or maybe ways to easily trick me? Y'know, big wooden female dragons, scrolls with naked sleek wyrms depicted on it?

>>50391819
Screw more humans, watch them establish enough noble houses that they start fighting over power.
Plus as >>50391892 >>50391922 said, half-breeds are apparently good minions.

>>50392032

I'm personally partial to an offering of naked nubile maidens myself. Local towns offer up their fairest every few years and In exchange I don't torch them all. I suppose this could be construed as a way to lute me into an ambush.

>>50392032
...all these knights on /dragons/ i swear...
>>50391819
Let him! When he dies, you are suddenly in complete control of a bloodline of noble half dragons, and all the territories they rightfully possess.

>>50391971
It's a little known fact that we're ridiculously vulnerable when we're using breath, like if someone shot an arrow down your throat at that exact moment, you'd pretty much just explode.

Seriously, if I were a knight, I'd stand in the middle of a wide open area and just wait for the dragon to breathe on me.

>>50391347
>Gnolls
I don't really want the reputation associated with collecting gnolls.
I'll look into Demons, a rival used to play Demons. Pretty strong, cool guy too. Up until he mysteriously disappeared.

How do they stand up against Dwarves? There's this Gold who plays them, real cocky bastard. I want to wreck his shit.
I mean, I'm not racist, I just hate Dwarves.

The local king recently hired a new financial advisor, and they've decided to introduce a "fee-yacht" currency.

At first I thought it had something to do with boats, but apparently it involves the government issuing slips of paper that are legal tender, and then managing them by some kind of rules that the financial advisor sets?

This happened about a hundred years ago and it still hasn't flopped. In fact, now all the local kingdoms are using it, and there's this huge, complicated system of trading and loaning and these things called "bonds" and it's starting to make my head hurt. Somehow it's actually going well, though, which is really strange to me.

Should I trade some of my gold for these "treasury bills" the financial office (which I think is actually independent from the king, it seems quite complicated) is offering? They are apparently quite stable, and actually gain in value by a small percentage every year via some sort of magical mechanism I don't understand. They won't be as comfy as gold, but I'll still increase my hoard via their use, right?

>>50392096

What kind of idiot tries to use dwarves. Gold hungry little buggers are just after his hoard, I guarantee it. Look up above. Kidnap a lot of maidens, knock em up and breed an army of dragonborn. It's a bit of an investment, but you'll get great returns in the long run.

>>50392121
That sounds like mortal bullshit to me
Polymorph yourself and ask why paper is suddenly better than gold
If none of them give a reasonable answer, burn their paper

>>50392096
>Gold playing dwarves
Haha, the flight-ist jokes make themselves.

>>50392073
Nubile maidens? Got'cha, m'lord will sure be gl- I mean... I uh... I sure love them maidens, yes. Taste real delish.

>>50392086
Thank you very much other dragon! I'll make sure to remember not to fight knights out in the open where they'll be quick to tear my filthy maw apart piece by piece like the stinking lizard oversized lizard I am.

>>50392131
This guy gets it... the start atleast. Playing dwarves, kobolds, it's all outdated. You got to play Imperial humans, your start-up is terrible but our cu... I uh.. I mean THEIR curve is great, they can rek all minor races late-game. Even dragons!

>>50392096
You may try dark elves for them sweet hate bonuses against dorfs, but beware because keeping them in line and happy with both you and their demon spider queen thingie is hard as nine hells.

>>50391892
>>50391922
Good to know about half-breeds. Anything else I should know about them?
>>50392052
That sounds like the funniest option, but how do I ensure they're loyal to me? The first man was obnoxious enough, I've seen what happens when stupidity infects wyrmlings...
>>50392079
How do I make sure my daughter doesn't inherit his level of fucktardedness?

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>>50391416
Human-fuckers go home.

That's depraved.

>>50392181
Raise her yourself, encourage your "darling" to go fuck shit up in the meanwhile. I am doing it right now, and the only real issue is that keeping this human form so long is really bothersome. It all pays off in the end though.

>>50392150
I already tried this, actually. It apparently has something to do with controlling a rate of "inflation," which is bad, and preventing "deflation", which is the opposite thing but somehow worse, which seems paradoxical to me. It also gives kings a lot of control over their currency supply, and somehow prevents wars because a war means that your paper will be less valued, because they actually loan papers to each other and...

I'll be honest, that's the point where I stopped paying attention.

I wanted to burn the paper but I think the actual papers are sort of a formality based on an agreement. Plus, the humans will probably react badly, and in my particular plane they're sort of terrifying to face in a fight. A ten-thousand-year-old Red tried to kidnap their king's daughter a while back and they killed him. They didn't fight him, or anything, they just straight-up killed him with this extremely fast weapon they have.

>>50392121
Yeah, that's actually a scam started by this red I know so the humans would give him all their gold for a few sheets of paper.

I told him no one would be that dumb. Boy did they prove me wrong.

>>50392213
what the fuck kind of mortals are you dealing with?
mine still send me cows every time a fire breaks out

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>>50391416
Oi, post that interspecie bullshit elsewhere. Real dragons fuck dragons, not animals.
Fucking degenerates, you're the reason humans think we want to fuck them.

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>>50392213
>>50392249
Indeed. The ones near my mountain still think I'm a god.

>>50392181
>but how do I ensure they're loyal to me?
Either make them love you or fear you, first option brings most profits, but fear is way easier to cause, just burn a village or two.

>>50392267
>>50392249
>>50392274

Look at these dumb fuckers still living in stone age. Being a tyrannical overgod is so last century, now it is all about ruling from the inside of human societies!

Some time ago some anon asked me about the sky-cannons from a nearby kingdom. Their king said that they can sell them, for the right price. If anyone else is interested, I can mediate between the king and you.

>>50392267
>green opposed to creating a half-breed kingdom
what's wrong, did a big scary gold steal all your little ones?

>>50392305
>Being a tyrannical overgod is so last century
The fuck is wrong with you? Do you think we give a shit if something went out of fashion a century ago? Fucking humanfags need to kill themselves.

>>50392305
>how to spot a silver
get out of here and go back to playing house with mortals

>>50392249
>>50392274
I don't even know, dude. I slept through most of it.

One day they're all living in thatched roof cottages and churning butter for a living, I take a nice little half-millennium nap, and when I wake up there's machines everywhere, everybody lives in cities, and they have insane weapons.

They've made flying machines that move about eight times as fast as I can. They actually move faster than sound or smell, so you can't tell they're coming unless you get direct vision. That's not even mentioning their handheld hyper-crossbows (which now shoot tiny metal bolts). Worse, they've figured out how to use those weird demonic rocks that make you sick to create a horrifying device that can wipe out an entire city. I can't describe how it works, since I don't know, but it creates a fireball stronger than the breath of a thousand Reds.

Seriously, if they ever start developing that kind of shit, shut them down. Otherwise you'll be like me, hiding underground and not being worshiped by anybody.

It's kind of nice in some ways though. Food is so plentiful now it's ridiculous. I don't even need to demand tribute, one piece of gold can feed me for an entire month—feed me extremely well, at that.

>>50392321
No. The little fuckers tried to rebel against me. Fucking half-breed bastards, thinking they can have a portion of my hoard.

>>50392213
I don't know with what sort of bullshit humans you're dealing, but better start learning magic or something.

>>50392365
it might be time to check out some other planes of existence, man

>>50392364
Bitch I am as black as anyone will ever be. You don't play with humans, you hoard them. They are far more valuable than gold after all!
>>50392344
How is 1400 treating you, oldfag?

>>50392395
Are you fucking kidding me? No, no way I try to open a portal. Little fuckers have eyes everywhere. I cast that kind of spell and suddenly they'll be infecting your planes.

I'm taking one for the team here, guys.

>>50392365

Don't worry, my humans did that too, I was pretty worried for a while there, I was looking into moving like>>50392395 said, but then they blew themselves up. Not sure how they did it, but it was like the world was bathed in fire. I shielded myself and my hoard magically of course. Waited a few centuries and they were back to thatched roofs and swords. Now I'm just careful to make sure they stay that way.

>>50392414
oh shit
i didn't even think about that
respect to you, brother

>>50392414
Just do it quickly or ask for some help, if you say that live in cities and have insane technology... how about their population? Is this large? Maybe you could cook up some disease or something...

>>50392472
Their population is currently seven billion.

Seven fucking billion mortals.

>>50392469
I'm being a bit overly dramatic, honestly. It really isn't all bad. Humiliating to loose all that power, but otherwise my quality of life has actually improved a lot. They make a lot of cool shit along with the terrifying stuff.

>>50392447
I'm feeling weirdly conflicted about this, actually. On one hand I get all my power back, but on the other hand I'll never get to eat nearly as well ever again.

Hm. I just want both, you know?

I FOUND YOU GUYS, FINALLY
DO ANY OF YOU NEED A MORTAL MINION?
I COULD FOUND A CULT FOR YOU, I COULD BURN A CITY YOU HATE, I'M A REALLY GOOD SORCERER I PROMISE
PLEASE I JUST REALLY LOOK UP TO DRAGONS

>>50392501
Shield some of them when their world goes to shit and raise their descendance to respect you as their benevolent savior while keeping all their cool toys and using them to your advantage.

>>50389945
>Just realized that one of the Dothraki is actually a polymorphed Red Dragon
...The whole series finally makes sense.

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>>50392274
I have the exact same problem on my plane! Must've been...oh, about 400ish years ago when a bunch of humans wandered onto my mountain started...doing whatever it is they do.

At first, I just ignored them. Well, I tried not to step on them, but really I didn't expect them to get very far. I may have been the biggest, but I wasn't the only thing that could eat them.

Color me shocked when I checked on them after a decade or two, and they were STILL THERE! It tickled me so much that the next time something came around to eat them, I stepped on it on a whim.

Not a week later, one of them came to find me on my favorite mountain, and thanked me for helping them! The tiny little fleshling walked all that way, just to thank me! I must confess, I was so flattered that I made something of a habit out of it.

Skip to today, and now they worship me as their patron deity! Well, it's not like I haven't eaten a god or two, but that doesn't mean I AM a god! I tried to set them straight, but they're almost as stubborn as I am!

Really, the humans have made a lot of themselves. They've even taught ME a few tricks, like how to turn small and squishy like them! It's a bit nerve wracking, I must confess, but seeing things from such a puny perspective is infinitely amusing!

Well, even though being small is a novel experience, it;s quite bizarre seeing the humans up close! Their pudgy little faces move in the most bizarre ways, and most of the time when they realize who I am, they start trying to hand me gifts or pray to me!

Being a "god" is quite the experience, but it's also quite tiring. Does anyone have any advice for me?

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>>50392501
git gud

>>50392543
Sigh. Here we go again. At least poise a curriculum vitae or something like that if you want to be taken seriously. Being a dragon is a serious business.

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>>50392543
NO.

>>50392410
How's 100 treating you, double nigger.

>>50392501
>seven billion
>seven
>billion
Oh the fuck

>>50392599
I fucking know.

It's too late for me. I'll just try to make like a silver and integrate, or something. At this point I can't do anything else.

>>50392585
You think that shit will work? Sure, I can take out one boat, but then they turn me into swiss cheese.

>>50392560
This is a very good plan.

>>50392543
God you're pathetic, if you were in my kingdom I'd slay you on the spot.
Actually... I might fulfill my tasks as a knight-errant partially by slaying you!

Meet me at the fields Bernieff tomorrow at dawn, and I will show you your maker!

>>50392586
AH SHIT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
I SPENT ALL MY TIME PRACTICING MAGIC
I'M STILL NOT WORTHY GOD DAMNIT
I'LL BE BACK LATER, IF I LOOK LIKE A SKELETON DON'T WORRY I JUST NEED MORE TIME THAN STUPID MORTAL BODIES CAN GIVE

>>50392543

Bring me bitches and we'll talk.

>>50392620

The knight has ousted himself brothers, and now we may burn him. The sorcerer proves himself useful.

>>50392636
How many times do I have to tell you Thulsa Doom? YOU. ARE. NOT. A. DRAGON! Serpent people get the fuck out of our thread.

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>>50392616
It works if you get good.

>>50392616
>It's too late for me.
Weeeell... if you managed to get ahold of some necromantic magic and found big enough cemetery, maybe you could get the ball rolling.

Or just go play tabletop through net with us and wait them out, like >>50392447 did.

>>50392636
HOW MANY BITCHES
I CAN BRING YOU SOME READY-TO-GO BUT IF YOU WANT A LOT I CAN SET UP A BREEDING PROGRAM SO THAT YOU GET FRESH BITCHES WHENEVER YOU LIKE

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>>50392661
Rude.

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>>50392687
In the extreme.

>>50392673

Hmmm, provide me a few as a down payment and get the breeding program started. What do you ask of me? Also, what variety of bitches can you provide? I have eclectic tastes.

>>50392661

I'm insulted that you would compare me ro such filth. Its not my fault there arent any dragonesses lrft on my plane. It was that cock sucker Bowen the Dragon slayer, he killed em all when i was asleep. I got revenge by fucking that redhead of his and found i liked it. Don't knock it till you try it wyrm.

>>50392650
OUST!? JOUST MORE LIKE, I'LL SLAY YOU VILE WORM, JUST LIKE YOU SLEW MY BROTHER!
AND DON'T THINK ANY OF YOU WILL GET AWAY, ONCE I FINISHED MY QUEST TO THE LADY IN THE LAKE I WILL HAVE ALL YOUR HEADS!
MORE THAN THAT, I'LL HAVE ALL YOUR HOARDS!
AND I'LL DISTRIBUTE THEM AMONG THE POOR, SO IT'LL BE EVEN HARDER FOR YOU BASTARDS TO GET IT BACK!
THEN I'LL MOUNT ALL YOUR DAMN HEADS ON A WALL IN MY KEEP AND TELL STORIES TO CHILDREN TELLING OF MY BRAVERIES!

YOU'RE ALL SCUM AND SHOULD DIE!
BE WARNED DRAKES!

>>50392733

Damn this portable sorcerous tablet. My claws always hit the wrong runes.What fool of a drake made this? Why did he make the runes so small?

>>50392165
>Imperial Humans
I might have to look into that.

Where have you been picking them up? I might have to try out a few.

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>>50390112
I agree.

>>50392771

I'm not asleep this time and you seem far less cunning than Bowen. I doubt this will take long. I'll even let you live, I find that the mutilated screaming form of a knight hanging outside my lair deters the next foolish questor.

>entering twilight
>still no significant hoard
Dubs decides what I do, I've only got a couple thousand years left.

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>>50392771
You see this, this is why you just torch the whole place to make sure there aren't any humans left. Doesn't matter how nice you are, they'll come to slay you eventually. Well, I'm not dealing with. Somebody else fry the human!

>>50392788
You can pick them up at your friendly local dynasty store. Heck, you might even meet some cool dragons or kings that play Imperial humans too!
Be quick though, next codex is coming out soon, they'll get the very imposing ballerina throwers.

>>50392875
If it matters I'm a bronze dragon
>inb4 he hoards boats

>>50392733
ALL I NEED IS A SPOT NEAR YOUR LAIR TO WORK
IT MIGHT BE DIFFICULT TO GET BITCHES THAT HAVE LIGHT SKIN, THE LORDS HERE REALLY LIKE TO KEEP THOSE TO THEMSELVES
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT THOUGH I KNOW A FEW GUYS THAT ARE GOOD AT KILLING LORDS

>>50392909

Only fools play imperials. Real drakes play Barbarian hordes.

>>50392813
YOU WERE THE MONSTROSITY THAT THWARTED SER BOWEN!? YOU TREACHEROUS CURR!
SER BOWEN WAS MY KNIGHT WHEN I WAS NAUGHT BUT A PAGE AT HIS COURT!
I WILL AVENGE HIS DEATH BEAST, OR MY NAME WOULD NOT BE GUILLAUME!

>>50392887
AS IF YOU COULD SLAY ME WORM! MANY HAVE TRIED, AND NONE HAVE SUCCEEDED AS YOU CAN SEE!

GOOD LUCK FINDING ME, I'M BEHIND 7 WALLS.

>>50392942
SORCER HERE
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE
DRAGONS ARE BETTER THAN HUMANS WE LIVE TO SERVE THEM
YOU WILL LEARN

>>50392979
I DON'T LEARN, MAGGOT!
IF I LEARNED I'D BE A NERD LIKE YOU, HOW MANY MAIDENS HAVE REWARDED YOU WITH THEIR CHASTITY KEYS SO FAR?

DON'T MOCK YOURSELF AND TELL ME IT'S NONE. I BET YOU ONLY BECAME A SORCEROR BECAUSE THE KNIGHTS BULLIED YOU FOR BEING WEAK?
IS THAT WHY YOU HATE YOUR RACE, BECAUSE NOBODY LOVES YOU?

(What is it with us humans and screaming, by the way? )

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>>50391416
>he fucks humans

>>50392939

Hmm let's see. Do you prefer mountain raiders or steppes horsemen. I'll set you up as overlord and prophet for one of my subservient barbarian populations. If you can get them I do like them fair, but it isn't a deal breaker if they aren't.

>>50392942

Wait you are one of Bowen's men? Damn, I thought I got all of you. Except the friar. The friar I left alive to spread the story. Must be getting senile in my old age.

>>50392979
Oh, hello Sorcerer. Would you be willing to father a half-breed after this? I'm only asking since I'm guessing you'd be willing to.

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>>50392979
>>50393041
You humans do seem quite upset. Would you care for some tea to calm your nerves?

>>50393041
HEY FUCK YOU SIR KNIGHT IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HOW MANY MAIDENS I HAVE OR HAVE NOT COVORTED WITH
I DON'T HATE HUMANS I JUST RECOGNIZE THE GREATNESS OF DRAGONS
YOU SHALL SOON KNOW WHY
I HAVEN'T STOPPED SCREAMING SINCE I DRANK THAT FAKE POTION OF DRACONIC BREATH, ALL THAT SHIT DID IS MAKE ME BURP FIRE SOMETIMES

>>50393105

Hey, back off. No poaching my sorcerer. If you want breeding rights we can discuss the terms in private.

Have you blokes ever had to deal with an infestation of sorts?

>>50393140

What manner of infestation? Humans? Dwarves? Goblins? It's not Drow is it? Those are a pain in the tail.

>>50393128
Reasonable.
>>50393140
What sort? Human? Kobold? Other?

>>50393140
Kobolds

I mean its kind of cute at first, but being worshipped 24/7 gets boring.

>>50392940
We have like four Horde players in our meta, we even have a Copper playing Hoard golems.

>>50393080
I PREFER RAIDERS, THEY ARE EASY TO WHIP INTO FRENZY
>>50393105
I AM SCARED BUT AROUSED
>>50393106
I GLADLY ACCEPT ANY DRINK YOU WOULD OFFER, THIS MAY SOOTHE MY AGONIZING FLAME-BELCHES

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>>50392121
>>50392213
>>50392365
>>50392501
Bro, really? Don't listen to those faggots telling you to move, you have a huge opportunity here!

Don't be such a wigger and go learn some magic, maybe educate yourself on their toys. It sounds like you already know how to polymorph, so go read some books until you understand what they're doing and set up a front company.

Assuming you're not a complete retard (you sound like a white, so that's a strong assumption) you should be able to get control of ~20% of planetary GDP without too much trouble. From there you can basically autopilot and let human subjects run things for you until you control the entire planet. Super easy, and it's so funny to watch them fight each other to the death for promotions

>>50393140
I'M STILL DEALING WITH AN INFESTATION.

A DRAGON INFESTATION!

>>50393117
GOOD, YOU'RE CALLING ME SIR. SO YOU'RE EVEN IN SERVITUDE TO OTHER HUMANS, GOOD BOY!
I BET THIS IS HOW YOU GET YOUR SICK KICKS! IS THAT IT? DID YOU GET BULLIED SO MUCH BY THE MEAN KNIGHTS YOU LEARNED TO LOVE IT?

YOU DISGUST ME, SORCEROR!
AND WHO DRINKS POTIONS OF DRACONIC BREATH!? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO THROW THOSE AT PEOPLE YOU IDIOT!

>>50393169

Try and convince them to crusade for you. Send em out to enlarge your hoard. If it works, you get gold. If it doesn't work, no more Kobolds. Don't know why your complaining though. I love being worshipped personally. Though I traded up from Kobolds to human barbarians.

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Hola, can I post here?

You wouldn't believe the shit I've convinced the humans here to do

Get this: they think I'm the sun

And that if they don't keep performing sacrifices to me, I'll go out.

>>50393212
I WAS RAISED BY DRUIDS BECAUSE MY PARENTS WERE KILLED FOR HAVING A "MAGIC BABY"
MY SORCERY IS SELF TAUGHT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT ALL THESE DIFFERENT POTIONS I JUST WENT BY THE NAME
>>50393247
I-IS THAT TRUE? HOW MANY SACRIFICES DO YOU NEED I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO OUT

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>>50393190
By Tiamat's teeth, you drank a potion of draconic breath?! My boy, if you tried to drink my tea now you would spontaneously combust! Have you sought the aid of an alchemist, that seems like quite a serious condition. I'll try to see if I can find someone who specializes in such cases!

>>50393283
I'M NOT EVEN SURPRISED YOU'RE RAISED BY DRUIDS, EXPLAINS WHY YOU'RE AS THICK AS A DOG, AND SMELL AS BAD TOO.

HE ACTUALLY SAYS HE'S LYING, HOW ARE YOU THIS DAMN GULLIBLE!? 'HUMANS' LIKE YOU ARE THE ONLY REASON WE HAVEN'T WIPED DRAGONS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH YET!

>>50393217
I'LL CRUSADE FOR YOU, WORM. LITERALLY.
I'LL START A HOLY WAR TO REACH YOU, AND THEN SLAY YOU AND YOUR ILK!

>>50393190

Alright. You can find them on the steppes of Utmear. If you need it i can provide teleportation. So here is what you need to do. Skin an alligator( you can get one of those right? ) and make its skin into a cloak with the upper jaw as a skull cap. Paint your torso with the runes for life, fire , and death in cyclical patterns. Carry a torch in each hand. Announce yourself as the divine messenger of Kevalth lord of Fire. Then kill the current chieftain through sorcery to establish dominance, and they are all yours.

>>50393164

I won't ask for much. Could you perhaps provide some large human male breeding stock? I need some fresh blood for my eugenics program. The mountain I've been breeding just aren't large enough yet. I want them at least seven feet, but I've been stuck at six foot eightish for the last few generations.

>>50393247

Damn, that's a pretty good idea. Mind if I borrow that and add it to my mythos?

>>50393288
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME I BUILT UP A RESISTANCE TO THINGS LIKE THAT
I DRANK A LOT OF POTIONS
I THINK I'M IMMUNE TO DROWNING BECAUSE I WOKE UP IN A LAKE ONE TIME
>>50393319
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED TO KILL SOMETHING
>>50393312
I SURE HOPE I GET TO RAZE YOUR CITY, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE KNIGHT

>>50392599
He is obviously wyvern-posting. The only way you could have seven billion mortals is if you had way, way more arable land than most planes have. Even if he was on one of the weird planes with all that land available there would be no cities, because the mortals would have to live in small villages to work the land. There is no way you could have so many mortals on a plane.

Or more likely he can't count.

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>tfw can't even kidnap a princess without some yobbo making a "Dragons got me baby!" joke

What do I do lads?

>>50393319
HAH, YOU THINK THAT WIMPY SOURCEROR CAN EVEN KILL AN ALLIGATOR? THAT'S A LIZARD TO REMEMBER, RATHER THAN FIGHT THE FELLOW WILL JUST LIE DOWN ON HIS BACK AND WET HIMSELF.

.... I hate you dragons, with a passion... But about that breeding program. I... I'm pretty tall you know. Look, if you want here is my messengerbird ID "Xx_BaneOfBeasts420_xX"

>>50393371
ALL YOU GET TO RAISE IS SOME DRAGON YOUNGLINGS YOU KEK! I BET ALL YOU GET TO DO IS TAKE CARE OF THEIR HALF-DRAGON BABIES WHILE THEY'RE OUT DYING TO ME OR RAIDING LESSER EMPIRES THAN MINE!

>>50393371

Go forth my servant, lead the barbarians of the steppes against this fool knight. Your zeal pleases me, and I will reward the faithfull. Just don't forget my bitches. You know what, bring me the knight's bitch.

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hey guys some pretty light hooman came and talkeded to me abut liven foruver me nut shore abut it me pretty good at living me kill lots of stuffs with me freezy breath so me not really sure if this good idea cuz nuthin me cant kill so me cant die is dis gud idea me no fraid cuz have big strong white body rocks and he sad me smert so me gess it gud idea wut u guys tink
>>50393371
u sem like gud pretty light hooman u wunt halp me kill little babby furry tings fr food

me drawling me made to you cee me big skyr skor how u erase tings scory dragon am bigesd n snowesd n smurtest

>>50393422

...how tall exactly? Assuming you are at least 6'10 and qualify for the program i will provide you with no less than 12 concubines. More if you prove the worth of your bloodline.

>>50393201
Just break break open a nuclear plant and eat all the glowing bits. Guaranteed results within three days.

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>>50389786
Did you really think this was clever or funny?

Really...?

Did you REALLY think this was clever or funny?

>>50393422
OH SHIT I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO DOMINATE HIS MIND
>>50393441
THERE WILL BE MORE BITCHES THAN STARS IN THE SKY
>>50393448
POINT ME AT WHAT NEEDS KILL

>>50393478
Y-yeah... Definitely 6'10, who do you hold me for? A manlet or sorceror?

And my bloodline goes back for atleast 70 years, the rest of it kind of got burned down by dragons. Both the people and the papers that is.

And the castles.
.... And most people remembering them. You dragons really get around, huh?

>>50393413
Well, he mentioned that humans there have insane technology, so who the fuck knows. Maybe they're really packed in those cities, but then there is question how they hell they haven't went insane due to overcrowding.
Either it's bullshit or dude over there is dealing with psychos.

>>50393319
Very well. Plus, my daughter's buffoon of a father gets to do something useful and exercise his social dick-swinging fantasies to the fullest.

Humberdt! Find some fertile men at least 7 feet! Yes, you could say it's for an alliance. Expansion of power and all. You can topple Lord Carnatach like you always dreamed of, shitwhistle.

>>50393536

Yeah we tend to do that. About your castles...listen I was understandably piqued at the time what with that ass Bowen killing a shit ton of my fledglings for a bullshit reason (seriously it wasnt Draco's fault that kid went nuts. He held up his part of the deal.) I won't apologize, you little shits deserved it, but...how about I offer you your pick of mountain maidens in the breeding program and we set you up as clan chief. They can build you a new castle. On a fucking mountain. You gotta admit that's awesome.

>>50393448
>white dragons

You've reached a whole level of stupidity I only though possible in humans.

>>50393563

Done. How do you want to handle transportation? Oh right, SORCERER put a hold on burning the lowlands. You have other duties to attend to.

>>50393535
The whelps never listen when I tell them to hoard bitches. That's why I'm still around, and they're not.

>>50393669
SORCERER HERE
JUST FINISHED BLOW UP A CHIEFTAN WITH LIGHTNING
THE REST OF THE GUYS ARE YELLING STUFF THAT SEEMS TO BE PRAISE
I'M READY FOR ANYTHING

>>50393636
I uh... I always wanted a little mountain chalet.
Bowen wasn't that great a knight anyway, always complained, hah! I could even best him in the longsword and duels on foot!
And everything beats my current peasants, this inbred bunch makes the damn sorceror here look like a bright light.
Maybe breeding some kind of super humans in the mountains isn't all that bad. I can give humans a purpose again.

I'll... I'll MAKE HUMANS GREAT AGAIN!

HEAR THAT DRAGONS?! WE'RE COMING BACK! AND BIGGER AND STRONGER THAN EVER!
... Ofcourse not for you sir, but even you must be happy when we take away some competition.

>>50393681
Hey I hoard dogs!

They are much better minions than cultists or kobolds.

>>50393703
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE BUDDIES NOW, KNIGHT
WANT SOME POTIONS?
THE ALCHEMIST SAID THEY MAKE YOU STRONGER

>>50393702

Excellent work. Gird your loins, I'm studding you out.

>>50393703

I of course cannot sanction the killing of my fellow drakes. But if some of my human cultists happen to get a little rambunctious and start killing of "heretical pretenders" to my deific throne, well.... accidents happen.

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>>50393710
You should keep venomous creatures with your hoard
>drongo tries to steal my gold
>Gets covered in spiders
>mfw

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>>50393710

>>50393669
I have a group of mercenaries to guard the stock and your Sorcerer if needed. Feel free to take the mercenaries if you see fit, though most of them are average height at best.
>>50393422
...And maybe this interesting one as well.

>>50391140
Hey now we are at least as smart as a human, wait no, an elf!

>>50393730

No no, no unnatural additives for the stud. I don't want to risk corrupting my breeding stock.

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>>50393826
Truly, a dizzying accomplishment.

>>50393843
GOT IT
WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THE POTIONS, THEN?
THEY DON'T HAVE LABELS

>>50393800

Alright, send the mercenaries with the stock to the steppes tribes. After they have dropped them off they can escort the sorcerer back to you.

SORCERER, you have until the arrival of this caravan to provide your down payment of bitches.

>>50393730
Did you hear that?
He called me a stud, how nice of Him.

ALSO WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS YOU DAMN-LOWLIFE! EVEN IF WE SERVE THE SAME MASTER I WILL NOT WILLINGLY SPEND TIME WITH YOU.
EVEN IF YOU'RE ONE OF MY CONCUBINES, I DON'T CARE HOW GOOD OUR SIRES WOULD BE FOR THE MASTER-RACE!

>>50393908

Feed them to your warriors who wear the red stripe. They are not of the program.Take them and go forth, but leave the lands of the knight be for now. Try the coastal cities, I haven't had any of them in some time.

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Ygnaiih ygnaiih . . . thflthkh’ngha Yog-Sothoth . . .

Y’bthnk . . . h’ehye—n’grkdl’lh?

/Dragon/, I may have done something horribly wrong and I do not know how to stop it.
I'm a Knight and I just killed my king because he was the leader of some strange sex cult in worship of a demon or Dark God or something along those lines.
Turns out, his sacrifice was the last part of the ritual needed to turn the thing he was worshiping to flesh, bone and blood.

Standing outside the chamber it's currently forming inside of.
Is there a way I can kill this thing? Or is the best I can hope for a quick death?
I managed to get the ritual knife used by the cultists and have a silver sword designed to cut magic if that in any way helps.

I'm mostly asking because your kind have a tendency to know these things.

>>50393916
>>50393948
WHOOO I LOVE COASTAL CITIES
THE BITCHES ARE GONNA BE MAGNIFICENTLY TANNED
>>50393924
OH I BET WE'LL BE FRIENDS SOON ENOUGH

>>50393916
They are en route.
>>50394029
What were the colors of the cult? Pink, purple, obnoxious eye searing ones?

>>50393413
>>50393546
Okay, I thought it was bullshit too, but they use their magic to make food. It's fucking crazy how they do it too.

First thing, they use this weird bit of alchemy to isolate this element that plants apparently need to grow. Normally they get it from the soil, but the humans extract it from the air, and then put it into the soil. It's called a nitrate or something, I think. So that already makes the plants grow large and strong even in soil that's normally pretty worthless.

Then they use machines to do all the work of farming. There's theses giant fucking harvester things that are as long as one of my wings (and I'm not a small dragon, let me tell you) that can go through over a thousand acres in a single workday! They have other machines that do similar stuff too, and they have boats larger than me (that move extremely fast) to cart the food around.

So that's already insane, right? But I said three things.

THEY DO DARK MAGIC TO THEIR PLANTS

I have no idea how or why it works, but they can actually modify how their plants grow. They can make their grain be more hearty, for example, by taking some weird essence out of a weed and putting it into the grain seeds. So their plants are fucking huge as well.

Nobody farms. I don't know the exact numbers but probably less than one out of every fifty people work the land. Everybody else lives in giant fields full of nothing but houses, or buildings dozens of stories high.

>>50393201
I'm actually a green.

I'll try this idea but I'm not sure if it's going to work, if I'm being honest. Maybe I just need more self-confidence but I'm fairly certain even one as intelligent, wise, and long-lived as me can hope to capture maybe 0.5% of the total wealth.

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>>50394029
Have you tried fire yet? Fire usually works.

>>50394065
>What were the colors of the cult? Pink, purple, obnoxious eye searing ones?
No, the colours were more a dark green with a violet symbol in the middle. When put in dark places the symbol started to glow.
If it helps, some of the people that were enslaved started to grow extra organs. They also really hated iron.

>>50394087
No, good dragon.
All fire turns purple around here, even ones I light myself.
Call it intuition, but I don't think it will do much good.

>>50393966
Draconic, muthafucka, learn it.

>>50393164
>>50393169
>>50393163
It's a goblin infestation. I am apparently unable to eradicate them in a permanent manner.
>>50393212
Kind sir, please, personal vengeance needs to stop at a certain point. A duel with the offender will surely be enough to mend the wound he caused, and you won't have to expose your rage to the whole site.

>>50394071
Okay this is sort of engaging as far as stories go, but no way it could be true. Everybody knows agriculture takes a lot of manual labour. Okay so you can enchant a plow and some scythes and whatnot to fly through the air to do the work on their own. But making magical items is a lot harder work than farming, so you could never run a whole economy based on them.

Nitrate is not an element. Earth, fire, air and water are elements (on some planes you get the occasional wood or metal as an element), but I'm pretty sure there isn't a plane with an element called "nitrate". Most likely you are confused by some kind of bless effect.

The idea that some mortal could build a thing bigger than a dragon is nonsense. In an odd way, even obscene. I have never seen anything like that, so it could not possibly ever happen.

SORCERER HERE
THE BITCHES PUT UP A FIGHT BUT I GOT LIKE SIX WAGONS FULL
ALSO FOUND SOME ELVES
I COULDN'T TELL THE MALES AND FEMALES APART SO I JUST GOT A RANDOM DOZEN CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE LIKES ELF BITCHES

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>>50394301
Elf bitches are too spindly, and never stop complaining. They're not even good to eat.

>>50394301

Well done my servant. Bring them to me, including the elves, and then await the convoy.

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>>50394268
I didn't believe it either, but trust me, it's true.

The machines don't work anything like a normal plow. Here's a picture of one of them. The blades at the front spin to harvest grain, and it moves surprisingly quickly.

I'm not sure what you mean by "Earth, fire, air and water" being the only elements. Some may consider them the base elements, but they are not the only ones. Even before I woke up they had discovered more. Do you know of mercury, zinc, or potassium? Surely they've isolated those on your plane?

As for the building, you're right, it's nonsense—until they did it. Perhaps they have some dragon blood in their lineage, or perhaps they have been blessed by the gods, but the way which they build stands far above what should be possible.

There is a reason I fear of them finding other planes. They do not seem to be completely mad, but I shudder to think what they will do if they get a chance to explore other worlds.

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>>50393966
Sure. Anywhere is good.

>>50393966
>>50394417
Anywhere but my plane.

Get off of my plane.

>>50394187
Urgh.
ngh’aaaa, h’yuh
>>50394417
The next star over seemed like a nice spot
I'll see you a few million years ago
>>50394628
oh please, any self-respecting world eater would avoid your plane like a plague

>>50394353
The convoy should be here by now, barring any unforeseen difficulties.
>>50394301
Good work.

>be me
>Adult Red Dragon
>life is good, got a couple pads lined with treasure and corpses
>catch word that there's a cult that worships me on the elemental plane of fire
>hey cool, maybe some possible offerings of more gold and bitches
>show up
>bunch of efreeti playing political espionage by having common races dressing up like scalies and fucking each other
>literally an illuminati funded furcon
>burn all the furries but everything else has fire resist
>have to individually smash every fucking thing in the area to make a point
>I will never be fully happy with what I am again.

>>50394149
I suspect Fae shit. Get the fuck near some iron.

>>50391160
Hey, I'm collecting orcs, anyone up for a skirmish Saturday?

>>50394389
>dat pic
nope
nope
nope
They're fucking psychos, I'm sure of that.
I don't know how, but you have to topple them, otherwise there is a risk they will find other planes and then we will be fucked for good.
Do we have any necromancers in thread? It's serious.

>>50395433
I would really recommend not starting a war with them. Their weapons are quite efficient and they get angry rather easily.

Plus, even if you do win, they'll likely send their bombs into your world and destroy it as a final act of defiance.

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>>50395433
I happen to know a dragon with expertise in necromancy. Unfortunately, he takes anyone asking him to do anything as an insult. Let me know EXACTLY what you want him to do, and I may make it happen. If the mood strikes me.

>>50392086
don't reveal it to the humans, you fucking nosebreather

>>50395179

Stakes?

Young Green here, I think my progenitor's gone mad or been cursed.

Get this- He 'gave' me part of his hoard, or so he said, and then he made us go into ape form to actually see it. He takes me into this ape settlement, up to this big flat hill, and waves his ape limbs around at the settlement, and then he says this nonsense to me:

>And here is your hoard, my son

What in the nine circles on hell is going on? Has a metallic taken his place? He started on some tirade about how I was to protect this ape-land- and then the apes come out of the bushes and start throwing chains of "flowers" (plant reproductive organs) at me! I flew out of there like Tiamat herself was chasing me.

>>50395682
Your dad wants you to become a good, kind ruler of mortals.

Don't listen to what the others in this thread will tell you, that is ultimately much more fulfilling than gaining a shitload of gold. Trust me, I've done both.

>>50395711
Full disclosure here, you some kind of metallic?

>>50395718
Half-red half-gold. You can probably imagine how that happened. Ironically the gold was my father, and I'm positive my mom only kept me around because of spite.

>>50395046

Wonderful. SORCERER are you ready to depart with the convoy? This is a great blessing you know.

>>50391215
It's not actually your hoard. You are a servant to humans.

>>50392181
>Anything else I should know about them?
Never mistake them for real dragons. I lost three good ones before I got out of that habit.

>>50392096
There is literally nothing wrong with gnolls.

>>50396255
He owns the bank, but you'd know that if you didn't have problems reading, eh, whitey?

>>50393867
>Not having a hoard of books
It's a great setup. Humans keep coming to want to study them or want some book that they think will save the world though. Let's be honest if it were in actual danger one of us would solve it in an afternoon.

None of them understand the careful preservation techniques I use. Humans get their oily fingers all over it and all their skin and hair, ew.

>>50395433
We had a couple of world eaters, but that's kind of a big-A Apocalypse if you go down that road.

>>50396334
I know what a bank is. It's full of other people's gold.

>>50396385
Mammals are fucking disgusting. Breed some recently intelligent lizard people instead, much easier on the books.

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I think the humans are after my magical herb hoard, but they never show up?
Am I paranoid?

Can we get a "humanity, fuck yeah" thread going?
I would love share recipes; I'm kinda hungry...

>>50397314
you've been smoking way to much man. But if you are that worried get a Chimera to guard your shit. Nobody fucks with a Chimera.

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>>50393283
>HOW MANY SACRIFICES DO YOU NEED I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO OUT

Like, 20,000 people a year. Also you need to float their stuff out on the lake. Don't question it or everyone will die. When the sun goes out. I need the power to uhh... fight the devil.

>>50393348
Yeah sure. I got a cousin across the Sea whose got these Islanders convinced he's the goddamn Ocean.

>>50396385
Ha! You underestimate the value of being the nexus of knowledge in the world. Not only do I have a means to keep away the duller humans, I also have an unflinchingly loyal cabal of guardians and servants that have devoted their lives to serving me and the knowledge I hold.

I am The Librarian, Dragon Lord of Wisdom. In exchange for my counsel and library, the humans ensure I will never come to the slightest harm. My life is tied to the books, and they know it. So long as they endure, so do I. Should I pass, so too will they.

Oh, and if you haven't figured out how to enchant book pages to be impervious to oils, then you may wish to pay me a visit.

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>>50389786

>Life of Western Dragon.
>Wake up after 100 year nap.
>Go eat wild animals.
>Go terrorize random villages with no thought or reason.
>Go collect gold that will never be spent.
>Get Ronery, have to fug humans.
>No dragon gf.
>Female dragon is fugging the baker's redheaded son.
>Cry tears of shame in gold pile.
>Eventually be killed for gold pile and being a general nuisance to everyone else.

Best dragons coming through.