What are your guys funniest SS13 story's?

>>50327717
When Freeman and the rest of you got
B-B-B-BANNED JUNIOR

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> Engineer
> What is this funny thing above my head?
> CULT
> PRAISE NAR'SIE
> Playing as a cultist is pretty much my forte, so I'm gonna be great
> I'll make Cult great again
> Tell my cult buddies that I'll build a safe space near singularity containment.
> Grab a shitload of metal, grab a space suit, drift to space just south of singularity containment and build a room in space
> Safe Space doesn't have any entrances or windows - it's a metal cube with no oxygen in it.
> For now.
> Draw a teleport rune, teleport out
> Find an oxygen canister and teleport it in my Safe Space
> Fill it with oxygen, so now even those without hardsuits and oxygen tanks can live inside.
> Inform my cult buddies about our new lair
> In my safe space, nobody can see you do shady cult stuff!
> We do cult stuff for a while - convert people, make talismans, build constructs
> We are not detected for a long while because our base is hidden
> We are essentially unopposed and unbeatable
> Our target is the chaplain, and naturally it's up to me to do the job.
> Stun the chaplain, cuff him, drag him to the maint.
> Draw a teleport rune and get him to my safe space, follow him immediately
> There's, like, eight of us there, nearly the entire cult.
> Just enough to summon Nar'Sie, and we've got our sacrifice ready
> Suddenly, hear explosion from the north.
> What.
> Strange noises - walls of my safe space are breaking into loose parts and drifting away...
> OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD
> Incompetent engineers set up the singularity wrong, and now it broke out of it's containment field.
> Naturally, my Safe Space with the entire cult in it is eaten first.

>>50327717
>join late as a chaplain for the first time
>name my religion Church of Syndicate
>go to the bar, start fucking with the piano
>botanist comes in, asks me about my religion
>give him a rousing speech about the Syndicate religion and its saviour, Syndicate Operative
>successfully convert him to my religion
>i tell him to help any syndies he can find and promote our faith
>meanwhile, while this conversation is happening, in the background, an assistant is being a shit
>botanist asks if he can try to convert assistant to our faith
>sure, why not
>they both somehow believe that I'm a syndie
>honestly tell them I'm not a traitor
>they obviously don't believe me, but they say to me "okay"
>meanwhile, assistant is still being a shit
>security comes down on him, he gets arrested
>I slip in with botanist inside to see what's going on
>assistant tries to start up shit again
>tell him to calm down
>sec officer seems like an okay guy
>conflict somehow escalates
>sec officer starts harmbatoning assistant
>NOT ON MY WATCH
>disarm, stun, cuff the sec officer, shake up assistant
>he wants to kill the sec officer
>tell him to calm the fuck down, everyone leaves this station alive if I can help it
>sec officer starts screaming bloody murder all over the radio
>botanist and assistant ask me about my objectives again
>tell them I'm not a traitor
>they are unconvinced
>say that the station is pretty much fucked, so we should leave
>we break into the bridge and call the shuttle
>they leave somewhere with the cuffed sec officer in tow
>a bartender comes and asks me for Lamarr
>oh baby, my traitor sense is tingling
>give him Lamarr like no fucks given
>wait for shuttle, I'm patching up the sec officer meanwhile
>assistant keeps bullying the sec officer
>tell him to knock it off
>get on the shuttle
>launch
>sec officer starts crying and saying "I trusted you"
>I'M NOT A TRAITOR
>neither of them are convinced
>land on Centcomm
>bartender was the traitor
>"just as planned.jpg"

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>>50327717

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>>50327717
DETECTIVE
>looking around my office
>golly this is neat but I bet I'll be useless!
>kinda putz around the station and just smoke in the bar
>halfway through the round the Priest calls me for aid
>show up in the coffin chute room to discover a body is jammed into one of the coffins, he says he did not put it in there
>use tools to confirm it as a Librarian
>radio it in and explain my intention to go to the library
>see a lizard person in the library with ID tag and dead guy's name
>"Excuse me miss but can I ask you a few questions down in SEC?"
>suddenly beset by blows with a toolbox from behind
>some fucker is robusting me to death as the lizard person drags me further into the dark library
>suddenly the Priest comes through the door with his bible
>attacks Toolbox in the eyes with his bible and blinds him on the first hit
>lizard books it right the fuck out of there

>pull out my gun

>the most fun I ever had in SS13 was flying down the crowded shenanigan-packed hallways, chasing down some scalie fuck, firing through the crowd to take down my man

>a doctor sees my injuries and, without saying anything, grabs me mid-movement
>keeps spamming grab command on me, preventing me from keeping up with my target
>accidentally shoot her in the stoumach because i was panicking
>tell her to fuck off and that she just lost us the perp and skulk back to the library
>the priest and toolbox man are gone
>meet the priest on the shuttle, he doesn't say anything when I sit next to him and chat it up
>turns out the real priest got eaten by the changeling and I sat next to it as we left SS13

directed in joint by john carpenter and john woo

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>decide to be virologist for the first time
>man this'll be a fun learning experience
>TRAITOR: KILL CHIEF OF ENGINEERING
>o-oh
>with no prior knowledge whatsoever, clobber together a shitty virus that induces gibbering speech, deafness, and fucks up vision
>throw on a bio suit and remove my nametag
>wait in a maintenence tunnel near one of the hallways to engineering
>PDA her and ask her to come down to the medical lobby for a minute
>she agrees
>run out of the tunnel as she passes, knock her over, and inject her
>run back into the tunnel, ditch the biosuit and etc, sneak back to the medical lobby in labcoat
>chief engineer blunders in, unable to speak or hear or see
>use /me to indicate she needs to follow me for treatment
>lead her into Virology Main and beat her half to death with a crowbar
>strip off her ID and PDA and the other needed items for victory
>dump her out the space chute
>hero of the syndicate

>>50327717
>low pop server ages ago
>scientist
>YOU ARE THE REVOLUTIONARY HEAD
>oh boy here we g-
>PDAs detected: 1 security officer, detective, Head of Security, Captain, Chief Medical Officer
>fuck.png
>call the captain, ask for engineering access to "set up engineering"
>captain calls head of security over (who is going around in a posse of guards), throws me his ID, says "he's now in charge", suicides
>ok.png
>Gear up with captain's stuff, decide to take out CMO before tackling Head of Security
>set up singularity first, so as to keep things in order
>"BLOOOOOB!"
>hear the call, and drag a welder and fueltank out to start attacking it
>surrounded by guards as we beat the damn thing back, tile by tile
>"great jobs" and "nice work helping out" all round
>go in to medical to complain of eye damage
>CMO is afk
>space with only slight twinges of guilt
>get called over to the bar, have a drink with the detective and HoS
>slow shift, he says, as we make our own concoctions
>suddenly, new spawning Research Director and Head of Personell run in and start shooting
>Get hit by stun, and both detective and whips out stun baton and starts chain-stunning both and dragging them to the brig
>Less than 20 seconds later hear "HELLLP AT BRIGGGG"
>the two griefers are there and have cuffed the other officer, HoS is being beaten up, and the detective is backed into a cell
>throw flashbang from floor, tag both of them
>"F-FA-GGO-T CAPT-N"
>execute both of them without due process
>Detective comes down to help, and I help the HoS up. "Book em, danny, let me get your boss some medical aid"
>pull HoS into his office, and he thanks me for saving him
>"No problem. But, are you sure you're ok?"
>press the spawn revolver button
>"Yeah, I'm fine-"
>BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
>"You don't look it
THE REVOLUTIONARIES HAVE WON

>>50327785
lee pls