Favorite Weapon of All Time

Moonlight Greatsword

>>50317434
Casul, NOT using Chaos Zweihander

File: crossbowman.jpg (223KB, 550x899px) Image search: [Google]

223KB, 550x899px

>>50317402
I don't know about "favorite," but I do remember Crossbow the intelligent crossbow.

DM started a relatively high level adventure giving the players a few quirky magical items, and my bard got hooked up with Crossbow the crossbow, a sentient crossbow capable of casting "hideous laughter" on targets I hit with it, with a caveat- I must tell a joke that Crossbow finds funny every single attack or he won't cast hideous laughter. THAT LIMPDICK LITTLE CRANQUELIN WAS A LYING PIECE OF SHIT. Never triggered on any hit, ever, even after hours of fresh one-liners and new jokes that made the rest of the party crack up. Not even a chuckle.

Fastforward to magical orb fetchquest, taking place in a dungeon that was a sunken castle. We tirelessly bash our way through, and this little fuck is going as far as MOCKING my inability to get him to co-operate. We get to [final boss] room, and immediately are beset upon by several drow lords defending this orb deal, poisoning us with knockout drugs and debuffs, and generally being douchebags. It's a grueling fight, and eventually my struggles with Crossbow, being poisoned, having my party crippled and nearly killed around me, and everything else is driving my bard up a wall, until eventually I decide its time to start casting EVERY SPELL SLOT I POSSIBLY CAN to try and turn this around. Immediately as I switch to this tactic, however, the Drow mage lord casts RAGE on me, giving me bonuses to strength and con, but preventing me from spellcasting. Crossbow still isn't working, and is mocking me by mentioning how low of munitions I am. The ranger's arms are broken and she screams in terror while the mindbroken and magically dominated fighter mauls the wizard (who's probably lower on spells than I am it this point).

1/2

>>50317523

>What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little scrub? Ill have you know I'm top of the leaderboard in Dark Souls, and Ive been involved in numerous gank spanks on the Darkmoon Dickbags, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in pyromancy and Im the top stunlocker in the entire Undead Parish. You are nothing to me but just another casul. I will wipe you the fuck out with R1 attacks the likes of which has never been seen before in Lordran, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Giant Dads across the internet and your Soul Level is being tracked right now so you better prepare for the stunlocking, scrublord. The stunlocking that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Youre fucking dead, casul. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in about 3 ways, and thats just with my +5 Chaos Zweihander. Not only am I at max chaos scaling at 10 humanity, but I have access to the pyromancer's Great Combustion and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of Lordran, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your estus swigging ass was about to bring down upon you, maybe you wouldn't have healed during the duel. But you did, and now youre paying the price, you filthy casul. I will fast roll all over you and you will be stunlocked. Youre fucking dead, scrub.

>>50317529
Waiting with relish

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>>50317529
>>50317529
Eventually I fucking snap. The DM was trying to roleplay the crossbow making a snide comment about how bad a shot I am when my turn rolls around after an eternity, and I declare "I THROW THE FUCKING CROSSBOW AT THAT FAGGOT'S FACE," to which my result is, of course, a resounding critical confirmed improvised thrown weapon called shot to the drow's face, cracking his head backwards and knocking him on his ass. The crossbow suddenly declares "Now this, this is funny," and suddenly casts Hideous laughter on the drow mage- an action that interrupts his ongoing spells over some of us and essentially turns the tide of the battle. We manage to put them slightly on the roles, but by now the wizard is dead and the ranger is just screaming about there not being any cover in this room. I manage to wail one of the other drow to death with my fists while still raging when the fighter gets the bright idea to fuck everything up and just grab the obviously trapped orb right here and now. Click, a pressure plate pops as the remainder of the party screams "DOM NO YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT", when the walls of the dungeon begin to crack and collapse. The fighter drops as much of his armor as he possibly can sprinting out of this dungeon as fast as we possibly can as the ocean that it is built under threatens to smush us to a pulp. We sprint out of the room in a mad dash to survive, leaving the dazed and unprepared drow to be crushed under rocks or drown. Crossbow, having been laughing maliciously since the crit while laying on the drow mage's face, suddenly stops as the room folds in around him, and he calls out to me. "Hey man, you're not going to leave me behind, right? W-we're still friends, right?" I sprint out of the room flipping him off with both hands as he's buried under the ocean.

Long story short? Crossbow the crossbow is a cunt.

2/2