All Guardsmen Party Storytime (in progress edition)

First

>>50137799
How far along would you say the 20+ posts you'll be delivering tonight will take us into this arc?

>>50137816
This isn't YouTube Numbnuts.>L

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>>50137799
>(Oh, and I haven't had time to rework this shitty intro yet, sorry)

This is complete bullshit!" Tink's inherently whiny voice rang through the barracks, triggering exasperated groans from its other occupants. "It's the mindless, reactionary vilification of anything new by a bunch of narrow minded, overzealous, tech-illiterates who wouldn't recognize scientific progress if it bit them in their paranoid asses."

Nubby's head poked out of the large crate he was rummaging through. "I dunno, if dis Scientific Progress stuff is actually goin aroun' bitin' people, dey might 'ave a point..."

Across the room, Twitch leaned out from the behind the blast shield that separated his workshop from the rest of the room. "What if it's something that's supposed to bite people? Like a cyber-mastiff or a wallet?"

Nubby tilted his head to the side and scratched one of his boils as he pondered this. "I don' fink wallets are supposed ta bite people Twitch."

"Mine does, remember that one time when you tried to pick-"

"I wasn' tryin ta do nuffin! I was jus' lookin fer my keys-"

"In MY pockets?"

"Well I'd already checked all mine!"

The two troopers' argument was brought to halt as Tink, tired of being ignored, ran between them and started shouting. "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! This is serious! They're going to make us leave EVERYTHING! Look!" Tink shoved the data-slate he was holding under Nubby's nose.

Nubby, his face screwed up with effort, began running a finger along the line of text Tink indicated. "...team's gear not ta include any arm-a-men' or de-vices of a non-'deptus Mechamani-, err Mechacapus, err Cogboy approved ori-gin…" Nubby looked up at Tink in confusion "Da 'ell does all dat mean?"

"It means," replied the techie "no pulse carbines, no plasma-gun, and NO SPOT!"

Storytime once again!

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>>50137836

"WHAT! Let me see that!" the dataslate was abruptly ripped from Tink's hands by Twitch, who began scanning at a far faster pace. "Oh shit shit shit shit shit shit, there's more." All three troopers bent over the dataslate. "No more than twenty kilograms of Munitorum Grade-B explosives?"

"Do you even have any Munitorum-issue 'splosives left?" asked Nubby. Twitch just shook his head and held up the cluster of lasgun power packs he'd been taping together. "Oh well, don' worry, I'm sure I can work somefin out if we can get to a depot... " Nubby paused as Tink and Twitch both pointed at the last line on the dataslate. "No items considered contraband under Administratium edict G-somefin-somefin-stroke-17e, Commissarial decree number… Cogboys… Arbites... 'Quisition... ECCLESIARCHY? What does da 'clesiarchy gotta do wif what I can or can' bring on a mission? Dis is mental! Who's making these rules?"

Tink straightened up and tried to recapture his initial indignant tone. "These are direct orders from Inquisitor Sciscitat."

"Wasn' ee da one who got squished by da bug? Ee get better or somefin?"

"No, the other Inquisitor the one from the stasis cell. He's taking command."

"What? Dat pillock? Does Sarge know about this?"

"He's in on it! They're both down in one of the conference rooms with the diplomacy Adept planning some sort of suicide mission!"

There was a pause while this sank in, followed by Nubby swearing and Twitch abruptly shouting "IT'S HAPPENING! I KNEW IT!", and sprinting out of the room.

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>>50137799
>the thread is live but I have to go to work soon

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>>50137850

Nubby watched the demolitions trooper go, then turned to Tink and asked "So, uh, ou' of curiosity, 'ow exactly did you get dis 'ere list?"

Tink brushed the question aside. "That's not important, what is important is that we get together and make it clear to Sarge that we're not going to have any part in this. We've got to stand up and say NO, we're not going to go off on a mission without proper equipment." Nubby, his self preservation instincts kicking in, took a step backwards, Tink failed to notice. "We're not going to get ourselves killed on some horrible backwater just because of some Inquisitor's ridiculous prejudices.

"Uhhhh, we're not?" Nubby took another step backwards.

"No, we're going to march in there and tell Sarge that either he gets rid of these ridiculous rules, or he goes on his mission alo-URK!" Tink let out a strangled little yelp as a large hand landed on his collar and yanked him backwards.

Somewhere behind Tink, a very deep and angry voice growled, "Guardsman, a word please."

Nubby watched Sarge drag Tink out of room, and let out a sigh of relief as the door slid shut. After a few seconds of standing around, listening to muffled shouting and thumping sounds coming through the door, he decided it was probably a good idea to figure out where Twitch went, and possibly join him.

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>>50137865

>Sarge's Rules About What You Can and Can't Bring on a "Stealth" Mission With Inquisitor Asshat

No Pulse Weapons
Because people notice when lasguns fire little blue balls of plasma, that's why
No Tink's techno-heretical plasma monstrosity
No Spot
Not even if you make him a REALLY GOOD DISGUISE
Nothing, no matter how small, easy to hide, or "awesome", which could be described with the prefix XENO
No, we are NOT bringing Fio. Why would you even ask that?
No more than 20 kg of Munitorum-issue explosives
No piles of ammunition for weapons we don't use
Nothing that is almost but not-quite an explosive
Nothing that came out of Sergeant Gravis
NO CHEMICAL, BIOLOGICAL, OR WARP-BASED WEAPONS PERIOD
No contraband
If you have to ask, it's contraband
Your bags will be checked Nubby
No Fumbles or Aimy
Just because Fumbles can turn invisible sometimes does not mean he's stealthy
Medical patients regrowing their entire scalp are not stealthy either
No Jim, Hannah, or Sister Valerie
Because they're staying on the Occurrence Border
No Occurrence Border
BECAUSE A SPACE HULK IS THE OPPOSITE OF STEALTHY, THAT'S WHY
No detailed plans to kill the Inquisitor, desert, and enlist in the Kulthian Foreign Legion
Because the Emperor hates you, that's why

>The All Guardsmen Party and Inquisitor Asshat's Stupid "Stealth" Mission

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>>50137874

So, no shit, we'd finally delivered the requested Zoanthrope. It'd taken the crippling, marooning, and deaths of two squads of Space Marines, gratuitous use of heretical xenotech, an assault on a technically-friendly civilian space station, the second worst worst warp voyage in the history of the Imperium, our arrest on trumped up charges by a traitorous Inquisitor, yet another pitched battle when said Inquisitor tried to steal the Zoanthrope for his private collection, and the general maiming of yet another squad of Marines, but we'd FINALLY delivered it.

Admittedly the bug had suffered some wear and tear during transit; what with the theoretically-impossible Daemonic possession, and the way it'd been beaten to the very edge of death by a humorously shaped piece of wraithbone wielded by enraged Space Marine. But nowhere in our orders did it say that the thing had to be in good condition. It was Zoanthrope, it was alive (if only barely), and only the most ungrateful, pedantic, asshole would dare complain about the quality of the package after the sheer hell we'd been through to deliver it…

Of course "ungrateful", "pedantic", and "asshole" were just about the perfect words to describe Inquisitor Sciscitat, and if you added "bat-shit insane" it'd cover the Magos that ran the research facility as well.

The first thing the two of them did after the Inquisitor had been released from stasis was hold a meeting with us, the Diplomacy Adept, and a few their own minions. Supposedly, it was to catch everyone up on the overall situation and plan the next move, but it was really just several hours of people yelling, lecturing, and just generally blaming us.

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>>50137891

Seriously, EVERYTHING was our fault.

It was our fault that several members of Sciscitat's team had died during the battle in the evidence warehouse.

It was our fault that the traitorous Inquisitor had died before he could be questioned.

It was our fault that several extremely rare and valuable xenobiological specimens had escaped, died, or been turned into squigs.

It was even our fault that a several lightyear wide shadow had fallen across the warp, disrupting Astropathic communication, causing sub-sector wide political turmoil, and prompting the redeployment of several Imperial fleets to protect against a supposed hive-fleet incursion. (Okay, in retrospect putting the Daemonthrope in an Astropathic Sanctum might not have been the best idea, but how the hell were we supposed to know that? The closest things we had to experts on psi were Fio and Fumbles.)

Oh, and finally, it had apparently been our "inexcusably reckless" actions which finally gave Oak's enemies the ammunition they needed to bring charges of treason against him. So the whole entire current mess: the arrest orders issued for all of Oak's teams, the attacks on his allies under the cover of official investigations, the seizure of the research facility and Sciscitat's own imprisonment, and even Oak being forced to take his battleship into hiding; it was all OUR fault.

Or at least that's what Inquisitor Sciscitat and his minions thought. Personally, we blamed a combination of bad luck, everyone else being stupid, Orks, and the perverse nature of universe itself for at least eighty percent of all that. As for the others, the Magos didn't seem to care about anything other than his specimens, and for all his complaining, he actually seemed very interested in the Daemonthrope. And the Diplomacy adept, who'd inexplicably wound up in charge of the discussion, claimed it didn't matter either way, and encouraged everyone to focus on the next stage of their respective missions.

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>>50137898

Our role in these "missions" was that of hapless go-fers.

See, before the arrival of the traitorous Inquisitor and the Daemonthrope's astropathic jamming aura, Oak had sent orders which assigned us to Sciscitat's retinue for the duration of some vaguely-defined investigation. Since the Inquisitor thought of us as "a bunch of juvenile, tactless, indiscreet, and dangerously incompetent meatheads", and we considered him to be a socially inept cogitator weeny with delusions of genius, why we'd been paired up like this was a bit of a mystery, but the orders seemed genuine.

It belatedly occurred to us that our decision, back on our second-ever Inquisitorial assignment, to ever-so-slightly falsify then-Interrogator Scitatat's after-action report might have been a bad idea. Sure, before we'd edited it, the report had been full of accusations of incompetence and obstruction, and it had ended with a recommendation that we all be re-assigned to a penal legion… But maybe that was how all his reports were written, and the way we'd removed all mention of our antics and put our own performance down as "Nearly Adequate" had wound up looking like high praise in comparison. Or maybe, as Twitch now insisted, Oak had seen through the forgery on day one, and this was his punishment.

Anyway, whatever the reason we'd been assigned to the asshole, we had no choice but to stick to our orders. Well actually we could've told Sciscitat and Oak to stuff it and then went off to do our own thing, but there's nothing like knowing that the Inquisition has issued a warrant for your arrest to motivate a cooperative attitude.

So yeah, Inquisitor Sciscitat was our new boss, and his first orders were to "Stay out of my way, and Assist Magos Smith in any way possible." Which is why we spent the next few days fetching, carrying, and occasionally squig-wrangling for a tech-priest who, in a totally unexpected twist of fate, turned out to be completely nuts.

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>>50137910

Well, maybe not COMPLETELY nuts, but that was only because the Magos was so far around the bend that he was re-approaching sanity from the opposite direction.

First of all, it turned out that he wasn't actually the tech-priest that we'd seen walking around with the Inquisitor and Diplomacy Adept. It took a while, but after the third incredibly awkward conversation with the inexplicably unresponsive tech-priest, we finally figured out that it was actually the oversized servo-skull that was calling the shots. The tech-priest-looking body, as well as that giant man-beast we'd seen in the warehouse battle and a fair number of other freakish looking things, were something like a cross between a servitor and a full-body augmetic. He called them "Meat Puppets", which should tell you everything you need to know about the state of his mind.

At first some of us (mostly Tink) were rather curious about how a tech-priest winds up as a disembodied brain flying around controlling a horde of servitors and flesh-sculpted monstrosities. When Tink tried to press the Magos on the why and how of his servo-skulliness though, all he got was a vague comment about having done it to himself for political reasons and an assurance that: "Getting the brain out was the easy part. The hard part was getting the brain out." Then the Magos flew off cackling, only to return a few minutes later to scream at us (for about the fifteenth time) for killing his prize Eldar test-subject. Or maybe he'd been angry about the death of the lizard thing, or the group Bendies we let escape, or how his entire collection of genestealer cultists had been squigged. It all sort of ran together after a while.

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>>50137922

Putting the Magos' weirdness aside, the reason we were helping the crazy cogboy was that the brainy people had decided that the planet was no longer secure. The whole debatably-heretical research facility needed to be packed up and moved via the first available Imperial vessel. Which is to say, the Occurrence Border.

You can just imagine how thrilled the Captain and Ol' Bill were to find out their ship would be playing host to a xenobiological research lab, completed with an insane Magos Biologis, numerous psychically-gifted specimens, and the damned Daemonthrope they'd only just finally gotten rid of. The only reason they limited their complaints to bitter grumbling (as opposed to orbital strikes), was the Occurrence Border's supply situation and the awkward tactical problem which had resulted from it.

See, after such a long and hard journey without resupply, the Occurrence Border was out of just about everything. So when it finally used the last of its fuel (and the recoil from its macro-turret) to slow down enough to dock with the small refuelling station orbiting above the facility, its Captain was in a rather ruthless state of mind. The ex-naval officer, having had it up to here with politely asking, begging, and (Emperor forbid) paying for supplies that were rightfully his to requisition, had broadcast his ship's Inquisitorial credentials and announced his intention to commandeer EVERYTHING. Not everything as in "everything you can spare", literally everything. As in down to the crew, atmosphere, and the station itself.

The locals objected to this of course, complaining loudly that this sort of looting wasn't even remotely within the legal limits of the Captain's Inquisitorial charter, and called for aid from the only other ship in the system: the light cruiser which had brought the recently-squished Inquisitor and his arrest team.

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>>50137935

The light-cruiser was a standard naval vessel that had been commandeered by the traitorous Inquisitor to provide transport and overwhelming fire support for his arrest team. After the initial excitement of its arrival the ship had just sat in orbit, serving as protection, Astropathic communication provider, and storage for items that were too large to fit in the evidence warehouse; such as the facility's shuttles and a small cogitator-filled normal-space vessel that had been in orbit when they'd arrived.

It'd been a nice boring assignment for them right up until their Astropaths lost contact with the rest of galaxy. Then, while they'd been off at the edge of the system, futilely attempting to outrange the Astropathic jamming we'd unknowingly been broadcasting ahead of us, the Occurrence Border had arrived. By the time they managed to get back to the facility their Inquisitor was very dead. Left to their own devices, they probably would have just destroyed the Occurrence Border and blockaded the research facility until the arrival of further orders. Fortunately for us though, the Deathwatch Apothecary had claimed command as the technically-ranking survivor of the dead Inquisitor's retinue, and told the ship to stand down.

The light-cruiser had sat in orbit, waiting for the Apothecary to finish his business on the planet, until the Occurrence Border started its looting spree and the Station requested their aid. The ship's captain, being mindful of all the Inquisitorial bullshit going on, voxed the Apothecary for orders, and the Space Marine kicked the problem over to Scicitat, who probably made some sort of smug "just as planned" comment before voxing the Occurrence Border. The Captain was basically asked whether he'd prefer to transport on the Magos and his lab, or go toe-to-toe with a ship ten times more combat-capable than his own. The Captain went with the former, but it was a close thing.

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>>50137956

So, while shuttle after shuttle carried xenobiological specimens, techno-heretical research equipment, and bizarre servitors into orbit, the Occurrence Border's entire crew flooded into the little station, and under the guidance of Ol' Bill and his engineers, set about looting the place more thoroughly than even the most determined Freeboota could manage. Every scrap of fuel, supplies, and equipment aboard the station was commandeered. The entire crew, down to the dependents, servitors, and family pets, was rounded up by the press-gangs and given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to earn their passage out of the system as an indentured voidsman. Finally, the handful of backwater tech-priests and Administratum scribes that ran the place (and who were technically exempt from naval conscription) were given a choice between "voluntarily" joining the crew or staying behind as Ol' Bill and his engineers sucked out the atmosphere, cut the station into manageable chunks with lance-fire, and then strapped the pieces to the Occurrence Border's hull like hunting trophies.

Of course we weren't personally around to see the entirety of the looting spree: we actually only stayed in the system for a few days before our new boss decided it was time to go, and during that time we were all very busy helping the Magos move his lab. Well, I say "we", but honestly, certain members of the team didn't pull their weight during the whole packing process.

For instance, Aimy dodged her fair share of the work by collapsing in a heap about ten seconds after the Astartes-grade painkillers she'd been given for her MASSIVE scalp wound wore off. She wound up spending the rest of her time in the facility lying around alternately moaning and swearing at the rest of us, and rode up on the first shuttle back to the Occurrence Border.

>hmmm it's been 30 min since i checked for AGP
>better check now just in case
>AGP front page

HYPE
Y
P
E

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>>50137986

Doc, no doubt encouraged by Aimy's bad example, announced that he was too busy with medical things to do an honest day's work. At first he insisted that keeping Aimy's head from getting infected and falling off took priority over carrying boxes and herding squigged genestealer cultists. Then he just had to help the Apothecary reattach his arm and get Heart and Grumpy Marine into stasis. And after that it was all "I've got to transfer my information on Sergeant Gravis' condition, and fix the scalpel wound in my face", the lazy bastard.

Sarge wasn't any help either: he kept running off to chat with the Diplomacy and Cogitator Adepts about "conspiracies" and "politics" and "how did you know the Xenology Adept was a traitor before you shot him". This newfound laziness was a perfect example of what promotion over the rank of sergeant does to a guardsman.

The worst of all were Tink and Jim: they were so desperate to avoid some honest work that they actually left the whole planet, taking our shuttle back up to the Occurrence Border before the ship had even finished decelerating. Jim claimed he had to go warn Hannah and the tech-acolytes that someone called "The Fleshsmith" was still alive and would be coming aboard, so he might've had an actual reason, but the only excuse Tink had was that he needed to go hide Fio before the annoying little xenos wound up in the Magos' specimen collection. Of course that turned out to be a load of bullshit. Firstly, the Magos found his super-secret hiding place all of ten minutes after arriving on the ship. Secondly, all the Magos did upon seeing the annoying little xenos was point out that Tau were genetically uninteresting, and ask whether the room was the xenotech garbage dump. He then tossed the battered remains of Spot (sans-wraithbone, he was apparently keeping that for himself) onto the floor and left without waiting for an answer. So yeah, time well spent.

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>>50137999

The point is that, despite it being our Inquisitorialy-assigned task, the only members of the team that actually did any real Magos-moving were Nubby, Twitch, and Fumbles. While everyone else made up excuses, the three of them slaved away, carrying boxes and recapturing escaped specimens while being screamed at by a crazy cogboy's disembodied head. They even used their own personal free time to collect desperately needed supplies for the team, and did they get thanked for their efforts? No! It was all:
>"We're not going to PAY you for returning our pulse weapons."
>"Deathwatch-issue hand weapons and wargear cannot be claimed as legitimate battlefield salvage."
>"That bolter wasn't 'gifted' to us. 'Gifting' is not, and never has been, an ancient Space Marine tradition. If you know where it landed, go get it and give it back to the Apothecary."
and
>"It doesn't matter if they're not going to need them anymore, we're not taking any of the facility's anti-orbital missiles with us. Even if, no, ESPECIALLY if Twitch says he can convert them to be man-portable."

Anyway, putting aside matters of laziness and ingratitude, after a few days almost everything was packed up and word came down Sciscitat had finished digging through the dead Inquisitor's underwear drawer, or whatever he'd been doing, and it was time to get ready for our mission. Not that we knew what the mission even was: the closest thing to a briefing we'd gotten was our initial meeting with the Inquisitor after we pulled him out of stasis and collected those of his retinue who'd survived the evidence-room battle.

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>>50138030

That meeting had been singularly unpleasant. Aside from all the aforementioned yelling, realizing Sciscitat was our new boss had come as a nasty shock; he'd been an Interrogator last we'd seen him, back when he'd led our second ever Inquisitorial mission. Back then he'd been a self-important data-analysis weenie, who sat around on a small normal-space corvette stuffed to the bulkheads with cogitators, while his team did the dirty work of gathering intel and executing the over-complex he cooked up. Picture the most arrogant, annoying intellectual you've ever met, then add a fondness for self-praise filled meetings and berating his minions, and finally top it off with just enough analytical genius for him to get away with all this. On our previous mission he'd done a decent enough job of unraveling the mystery we'd been sent to solve, but in our opinion he was a terrible Interrogator, and never should've been allowed to lead field ops.

Of course that had been a while ago, and time changes everyone. He wasn't an arrogant little shit of an Interrogator anymore. Now he was an arrogant moderately-overweight shit of an Inquisitor. Oh, and this time he was convinced that we were dangerously incompetent from the outset.

Along with his charming self, the Inquisitor had also brought some of our former teammates along. The psychic eavesdropper, Snitch, was just as weasel-like and eager to report our thoughts to his boss as we'd remembered, though he'd acquired a nasty skin affliction somewhere along the line, possibly due to way he constantly used his psychic powers. The other psyker to survive that mission, Face, seemed little buffer than we remembered and carried a force-sword now, and he'd added a prissy little mustache to his pretty-boy look. Finally, noble-born social infiltrator chick was just as posh and assassin-y as we'd remembered, but had also acquired a bunch of Cyber-Mastiffs and been promoted to Interrogator.

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>>50138046

On top of the familiar faces, the Inquisitor's retinue included several combat specialists. Well, at least it had before the whole evidence-room battle, now it was down to just a Cleric with a brand-new augmetic arm and a Sororitas-style bolter instead of the usual flamer, and a wiry guy with far too many knives who literally had "Deathcult Assassin" tattooed on his forehead. The final member of the team was the Tech-Priest who maintained the Inquisitor's surveillance toys; his chief distinguishing feature was that he hated us.

Actually, hating us was pretty universal. Snitch, Face, and the Interrogator all shared the Inquisitor's theory that were completely unfit for Inquisitorial service, and the Assassin and Cleric bore a serious grudge over how those of us in the evidence room had just edged around the big battle instead of chipping in. We tried to explain about how important dealing with the Daemonthrope had been, and how we totally would've helped them if we'd known we'd have to actually work with them later, but they didn't seem interested in listening. Their hatred was more of a mix of disgust and resentment though; the Tech-Priest's was the real deal. See, he was one of those hardcore religious types, and our collection of xenotech weapons (especially Tink's Tau-hybrid plasma gun) did NOT go over well with him. He fervently believed that we should all be killed in horrifically violent ways for our blasphemy, and while he wasn't quite crazy enough to act on that belief, he did make sure to regularly remind us that we were all damned to robot-hell.

So yeah, these people who respectively thought we were dangerously incompetent, blamed us for the death of their comrades, and wanted to burn us at the stake (or whatever the cogboy equivalent is), were the guys we were supposed to "accompany and assist on their mission". Thanks Oak.

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>>50138061

As far as what that mission was, all the Inquisitor was willing to tell us was that he had been sent to investigate an Imperial world that was believed to be a stronghold of The Conspiracy. This wasn't exactly a wealth of information, but it was enough to convince us that we wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with it.

Seriously, he was proposing going to a world that was under control of what had been described to us as cabal of traitorous Inquisitors, you know, those guys who can requisition everything up to and including an EXTERMINATUS? I mean, as nasty as Inquisitors (especially ones mucking around with daemonic powers) can be on their own, it's their massive, nearly-unquestionable authority that really makes them really scary. Having that on your side is great, not only not having it, but actually going up against it? Not so much. What Sciscitat was proposing wasn't a stealth mission, it was a "if someone even suspects you an entire planet will hunt you down" mission, and that was just the BACKDROP. Emperor knew what sort of crazy shit the actual investigation was supposed to be centered around… oh and let's not forget that our teammates, the only people on the whole planet we could trust to watch our backs, actively hated us.

Okay, maybe that's overselling things a bit, but it really was an unpleasant sounding mission, and we responded to it in the traditional guardsmanly fashion, which is to say that we desperately attempted to weasel our way out of our orders. Sadly, the entire situation turned out to be remarkably weasel-proof. Oak's orders attaching us to Sciscitat they were far too simple and direct for us to get away with creatively misinterpreting them, and we didn't have any better luck trying to get Sciscitat to dismiss us: as distasteful as the man found working with us, he seemed to consider a "suggestion" from Oak roughly on par with a divine mandate.

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>>50138097

Of course divine mandates tend to be open to a bit of interpretation; while Sciscitat was dead set on bringing us along, he made it clear that he wouldn't trust us to organize a piss-up in a brewery, much less perform an Inquisitorial investigation. This had led to our official designation as dumb muscle, which was just fine with us, but it had also led to The Rules, which were less so. Sciscitat had described them to Sarge's face as an attempt to "idiot proof" our part of the mission, and almost gleefully put the tech-priest in charge of writing them. That of course led to a lot of arguing, Tink's little aborted attempt at mutiny, and a desperate scramble to find where all of our old weapons had gotten to, which ended in even more yelling.

All of us had known that our supply of non-rechargeable munitions had been running low for ages: the grenades and detpacks had lasted almost to the end thanks to Twitch's hoarding, but the existence of things like krak-missile launchers was just a vague memory, and Sarge's ammo-less grenade launcher had been traded away to some tech-acolyte building a combat servitor long ago. What had been less well-known, was that the hotshot lasguns which had been shelved in favor of our pulse-weapons had been marked as "extra-knee-us" and left in the possession of a certain Ratling black marketeer in favor of more lucrative items. Nubby's justifications about how he'd been planning to just buy us new ones if we ever needed them didn't go over well with any us. Long story short, we wound up armed for our upcoming Inquisitorial mission with nothing but our sidearms and standard-issue lasguns from the Occurrence Border's armory, which sat especially poorly with Tink, who hadn't used one since basic.

Anyway, word came down that the Inquisitor had finished his pre-mission whatever and it was time to move out, so we packed up our measly armament, and for the first time since we'd left Tau space, said goodbye to the Occurrence Border.

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>>50138118

While we weren't going to miss the horrible pile of warp-tainted scrap we'd been riding around on, its crew was another matter, so on our way out we paid a few visits to say goodbye (and make sure all of Twitch's little "surprises" had been disarmed, or at least documented).

The Captain and Ol' Bill were too busy to do more than tell us not to get killed, Jim promised to look after our stuff and make sure nobody dissected Fio, and Hannah thanked us for not trying to bring Jim. The Diplomacy Adept, who'd somehow wound up in charge of everything, asked Sarge to at least TRY to work with Sciscitat, and said he'd take care of our official report to Oak, since the Occurrence Border would be proceeding directly to the Inquisitor's hiding place. As for the other Adepts: the Cogitator Adept wasn't in his room and we didn't actually care enough to try and find him, and the Xenologist was still dead.

When we all visited the medbay Aimy wasn't really coherent enough to say goodbye. Unlike her previous two head injuries, this time every scrap of skin above her nose needed to be regrown, so her head was pretty much this giant pile of bandages and (this being a Sororitas-developed procedure after all) prayer seals. Aimy was too doped up on painkillers to really understand anything, but Sarge tried to fill her in on the situation. The rest of us just stood around speculated on whether the markswoman would still obsess over her hair, since this time her entire scalp would be regrown Sororitas-white, and whether there was some sort of energy-attack-attracting magnet embedded in her skull somewhere (Sister Valerie said she'd check). As for Doc's girlfriend, the two of them had already said their disgustingly sappy goodbyes, and all she had for the rest of us was a promise that returning without our medic would just be a very slow and painful method of suicide.

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>>50138132

Our final stop was the poorly-hidden lab where Fio was setting all his gear back up with Fumbles' help. While Tink pulled Fio aside for a final go over of the plans for Spot's third rebuild (being used as a bludgeoning weapon by a Space Marine isn't as bad as a nuclear blast, but it's pretty close), the rest of us said goodbye to our favorite psyker. We'd really wanted to bring the little guy, but the Inquisitor had flatly refused, and we couldn't really argue. When you get down to it, a psyker who uncontrollably broadcasts his emotional state and has problems controlling his powers at even the best of times has no place on a stealth mission. Also, he didn't really get along with the Inquisitor's psykers, especially Snitch, who claimed that Fumbles was like a cross between a painfully-loud Vox unit and an unexploded artillery shell.

Anyway, it sucked leaving Fumbles behind, but at least he took the news better than we'd expected. There was some initial moping, but he actually seemed pretty relieved not to be going to a heavily populated Imperial world where he'd have to worry about religious fanatics lynching him for having oversized eyes or just being a psyker. Also, he said it would be nice to get a break from constant life-and-death struggles, or at least as close to one as you can get as a psyker on a warp-tainted scrapheap of a ship. We wished the little guy luck, Nubby tried to give him a list of not-quite-legal things to trade for if the ship made any stops, Sarge hit Nubby, and then we rounded up Tink and left the Occurrence Border.

It should've been a happy moment: there were few things we'd wanted more than to leave that horrible deathtrap… But honestly, given a real choice between whatever shit-show of a mission was waiting for us and a five year stint on the Occurrence Border, we probably would've taken the latter. It just goes to show that the Inquisition can, and probably will, ruin anything.

>Okay, all caught up. Posting speed reducing due to having to find images, proofing, etc.

>>50137821
To the planet, though the basic pre-combat investigative footwork, and hopefully up to where shit starts to hit the fan and the actual ops start. (I desperately want to get to where we actually start rolling dice in earnest, as opposed to just checks and scenery, but we'll see.)

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>>50138156

The shuttle that took us to the Inquisitor's ship was one of his. Officially this was because all of the Occurrence Border's were busy strip-scavenging the station (even Tink's repaired and de-fungused stealth shuttle was used, though everyone on it kept their void-suits on), but it probably had more to do with how much harder that made it for us to sneak anything aboard. It was unnecessary of course, we had given our solemn word to follow their stupid rules after all (and we knew from experience how hard it was to get stuff past Snitch), but that didn't stop that damned Tech-Priest from inspecting our gear and baggage before he let us onto the Inquisitor's ship

The Inquisitor's ship was the same one he'd had back during our previous mission: a little corvette that was mostly just there to carry his massive cogitator array. It was small, cramped, unarmed, and didn't have a warp-drive, all of which seemed like major design flaws to us, but for some reason we hadn't been consulted when they'd built the thing. Unlike a proper ship, it was crewed by only a couple dozen professional voidsmen and tech-priests, who generally treated us like a visiting friend's incontinent little yappy dog (We got the distinct impression that they were still unhappy about the time we'd propped a dead psyker up in one of the bathrooms).

Anyway, lacking a warp-drive, the Inquisitor's ship depended on larger vessels to carry it between systems. Unfortunately, the only such ship present (aside from the Occurrence Border, which wasn't going our way) was the light-cruiser which had brought the arrest team into the system. This led to the very awkward situation where we had to ask for a lift from the ship that had recently boarded and impounded our vessel. Well, that is to say it was awkward for the Inquisitor and his minions, we dismissed the whole situation as "Not our problem" and set about making ourselves as comfortable as possible in the cramped quarters we'd been assigned.

>>50138030
>no, ESPECIALLY if Twitch says he can convert them to be man-portable."
Sounds like a great reason to do anything, really

>>50138061
Your Skitarii use nothing BUT blue guns you hypocritical robo-manchild!

Lovin' it Shaggy! Keep up the good work!

>>50138344
I'm really really hoping that Inquisitor Shitscat dies painfully on the coming mission. If he hadn't gotten the brilliant idea to bring Giggles the insane psyker with him on his first misson, heavy wouldn't be dead right now.

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>>50138344

Our time aboard the Inquisitor's ship was pretty unpleasant. The problem wasn't that he and his crew did anything to antagonize us, they just ignored us in the sort of put-upon way usually reserved for racist old relatives visiting for the holidays, and we did likewise. So really, it was just like all of our missions before Sarge's forced promotion, except for one big difference: nobody let us do ANYTHING.

We'd gotten used to being on a ship that suffered near-continuous warp-phenomena, equipment failures, xenobiological infestations, and minor daemonic incursions during even the smoothest of transits. There'd always been something that needed shooting, fixing, or fortifying, or a mission to plan for, or some sort of Nubby-related scam going on. Compared to that, travelling on the Inquisitor's ship was just, well, boring. Not that we were against being bored mind you. Life in the Guard is pretty much long periods of boredom punctuated by moments of sheer terror and Orks. So we were used to boredom, in fact we loved it, because the alternative tended to involve xenos, heretics, superior officers, or some combination of the three trying to kills us. It was just that we didn't have enough space to enjoy our boredom.

See, since the Inquisitor thought we were borderline-retarded and therefore a massive hazard to operational security, we weren't invited to his stupid meetings. This was fine by us: we'd hated the meetings, and were perfectly okay with him just handing us a briefing when we got to wherever we were going. Unfortunately in addition to not-inviting us, Sciscitat ordered us to stay in our quarters during all hours in which a meeting might be held, presumably in case we overheard something and somehow managed to blab it to the enemy despite being in the middle of bloody warp space.

Said quarters consisted of a single shared bunk-room and the Inquisitor's "working hours" lasted from 0700 to 2300. It was a miracle that nobody was killed.

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>>50138599
>it's and

>>50137799
L I V E
I
V
E

I KNEW I was forgetting something abotu the weekend!

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>>50138637

Let me tell you, twenty square meters with low ceilings is NOT enough space for five guardsmen. Well technically, according to the Astra Militarum regulations book which the Inquisitor gleefully cited when we complained, it's enough space for either eight standard-issue Guardsmen, twelve Ratling auxiliaries, four Ogryn, or twenty-six and a half Kriegers, but those regs are "ideal circumstances" Munitorum bullshit and everyone knows it. Except the Krieger part.

Anyway, sixteen hours a day confined in a small room with Nubby, a chronic whiner relearning basic las-gun use, a hyperactive paranoid with no perimeter to secure, Nubby, a man who just would not shut up about his absent girlfriend, the grumpiest noncom in several cubic lightyears, and Nubby was just too much. The one small mercy was that Aimy and Fumbles weren't along, otherwise we might not have even made it through the first day. As it was we were all just about ready to strangle each other by the end of the third.

Of course we didn't just sit around waiting for things to reach that point, it was obvious from the get-go that we weren't going to survive the trip unless we got a little more space. Sarge wasted a fair bit of time trying to talk Sciscitat around, but when that failed we decided to just quietly annex a few rooms which we felt were… underutilized. Unfortunately, some of ship's crew noticed us hauling our stuff into the rooms of the guys who'd gotten themselves killed during that shit-show at the research facility (C'mon, it's not like they needed all that space anymore). When the Inquisitor and all his minions showed up to yell at us Sarge made some very good points about about efficiency and the importance of keeping morale up, but since Nubby and Tink were rooting through the deceased's stuff behind him, his arguments didn't go over very well.

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>>50137799
>>50138661
>it's an AGP thread

>>50138690
Why would you ever bring half a krieger with you? Was his death not efficiant enough for your liking?

So you can beat the next one you find to death with it, of course.

>>50138690
>Astra Militarum

ITS IMPERIAL GUARD YOU WONDERFUL NIGGER.

>>50138757
...he's crouching? Like you do when the trench you're in is too shallow to properly stand in, in-between shooting the incompetent traitor who dug it and re-digging it properly?

>>50138785
In that case it would fit 27 kiegers

>>50138757
Meat sheild obviously. Dreadnoughts aren't the only ones who still serve even in death.

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>>50138757
He'll bite the heretics legs off!
Half a krieger can operate an emplaced gun with his feet and if he survives the deployment, he can be turned into a useful servitor.

>>50138757
by .5 they mean two rather short or young kriegers.

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>>50138690

Our second attempt to expand our quarters was a bit more direct, and consisted of Tink rigging up a lascutter and cutting through the wall between us and a the storage room next-door. Sadly, he only got a quarter of the cut done before that damned tech-priest burst in and started screaming at us, and the rest of the retinue showed up before we'd decided whether we could get away with shooting the cogboy and blaming it on our combat reflexes.

That little incident ended with yet another painfully long lecture from the Inquisitor, which was capped off with a promise to kick us off his ship if we disobeyed orders again. Sarge, who was reaching critical levels of grumpiness at that point, began to respond with something along the lines of "You can try", but reconsidered as the exact nature of that threat dawned on him, and wound up struggling to maintain a poker face (and mind) while the Inquisitor ranted. When the lecture finally ended with Sciscitat and his minions storming out to return to their meeting, Sarge asked the rest of us how we felt about taking the Inquisitor up on his "offer".

That night a note was taped across from the Inquisitor's door, regretfully informing him that we'd violated his orders against screwing with the ship's systems by disabling the forward airlock's alarms, and since he was asleep at the time, we'd undertaken to kick ourselves off the ship for him. Then we'd gathered our gear, donned our voidsuits, and one short walk through a depressurized assault-shuttle bay later we were arguing with a bunch of confused navy armsmen about whether we honored Inquisitorial guests or a hostile boarding party.

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>>50137799
>I'm aiming to post the full chapter the weekend before Thanksgiving, probably Friday the 18th.

But Thanksgiving was last month.

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>>50138870

First time catching a live thread, fuck yeah.

Sorry to hear that real life shits getting in the way. Hope you make it through whatever has gone wrong, and that you can get back to 100% writing efficiency or whatever. AGP helped me through a rough patch of my life, so you have my sincere thanks.

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>>50138870

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>>50138870

After everyone stopped pointing weapons at eachother (except for Twitch), it only took us showing off Sarge's Interrogator rosette to convince the armsmen to kick the problem upstairs. Talking our way through the succession of Navy officers wasn't too hard (even if they are unquestionably inferior to the Guard, the Navy does at least speak the same language), and before long we were escorted to the section of ship that had been claimed by the Deathwatch Marines.

The Apothecary, who'd traded his damaged Power Armor for blue and gold comet-embroidered medicae robes, greeted us at the door. The Marine obviously wasn't overjoyed to find us on his doorstep asking if we could crash on the equivalent of his couch for a few weeks, but we'd apparently earned some respect from him and his team during the battle, because he let us in with no more than a pained sigh and a comment about how "Monitoring for stowaways does not fall under the purview of the Deathwatch". The Apothecary directed us towards the quarters which had belonged to the squished Inquisitor and his retinue, told us not to bother him or his patients, and that was it. No request for an explanation, or rules about what we could or couldn't do, just that special brand of apathy that is the hallmark of a good barracks-mate. If he'd been a Guardsman we'd have bought him a crate a beer, but since he was a monastic super-soldier older than all of us put together, we settled for staying out of his way.

WE'RE LIIIIIIIIIIVE

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>>50139007

We made ourselves comfortable in short order. Twitch found a comm system and put in a requisition for a staggering amount of explosives, rations, and other supplies from the light-cruiser's stores. Nobody else had expected this to work, but since the ship's quartermaster was under the impression that the order was on behalf of the big scary Space Marines, the stuff was actually delivered. Seeing this, Nubby put in his own requisition for "all da money you got", which was met with a bit more skepticism. Sarge barely managed to bluff the Quartermaster off without the Apothecary finding out, and announced that the next person to even talk to someone from the light-cruiser's crew would be sent back to Sciscitat's ship.

Fully resupplied for the first time in ages, Twitch made a horrible, but very secure, mess of our new quarters. As a side note, most of this stuff was left in place when we reached our destination on account of the Inquisitor's silly twenty-kilo limit, and because nobody felt like cleaning it up. An official complaint from the ship's captain caught up with us a few months later, just in time to be used as evidence in fact, but it was really only a minor sidenote compared to the rest.

While Twitch fortified, Nubby and Tink gave our new quarters a thorough looting. Now, the previous occupants having been an Inquisitorial team (and a traitorous one at that), there was a fair bit of stuff that could be loosely described as "eldritch". Your average Inquisitorial team would've gotten excited and started sifting through the stuff search of intel or whatever, but honestly, when was the last time you heard of digging through a pile of eldritch shit working out well for someone? So per rule #38 of Greg Sargent's Guide to Not Dying in Inquisition, we employed The Big Box of Do Not Touch. (If you're unfamiliar with this technique, basically what you do is you take a big box, put all the weird stuff into it, and then Do Not Touch it. Very complex.)

Well, it is if yer Nubby, I guess.

>>50138902
I was nearly forced into observing your heathen holidays a few months back, but the owners eventually decided to to keep the US offices on a US holiday schedule.

I was sort of hoping they'd just let us have both, but oh well.

>>50139053
>Seeing this, Nubby put in his own requisition for "all da money you got",

you dont even need to be on the OB to have your sides taken by the warp

>>50139090
>Shoggy works at a Canadian-owned company

I feel this weird warmth in-between my heart and my liver.

Is this what national pride feels like?

>>50139177
No, that is indigestion.

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>>50139053

Most of the stuff that wasn't Boxed found its ways into Nubby's grubby pockets, the only notable exception being an oversized plasma pistol that went to Tink, which the two of them claimed had belonged to the arrest-team's Ogryn. Upon seeing the weapon and hearing the explanation, Sarge weighed our need for a heavy-ish weapon (not to mention how annoying it had been trying to re-teach Tink basic lasgun use) against how angry certain people could get. In the end he decided not to ask any questions he didn't want answers to. Such as why nobody else had seen this Ogryn during or after the warehouse battle, or why anyone would ever give an Ogryn such a notoriously finicky weapon, or why: "PROPERTY OF THE LAMENTERS SPACE MARINE CHAPTER" was stamped along the pistol's side.

After the "cleaning" and fortifying we settled into a nice comfortable routine that mostly consisted of naps, PT, gear maintenance, a few personal projects, and more naps. Twitch and Nubby did their best to keep out of trouble and carefully planned out what supplies would be brought with us when we eventually arrived. Tink spent most of his spare time reconfiguring his oversized plasma pistol into something that could be used by someone with normal-sized hands and putting together replacements for all his Tau-tech toys. Sarge, along with being generally sergeanty, waited a few days for tempers to cool then started making regular visits to Sciscitat's ship to see how things were going. Most of the visits consisted of him just being told that there still wasn't anything he needed to know and to go away, but he was occasionally given little tidbits of nearly-useless information. Such as the fact that our destination was some shit-hole of a Hive World, that Oak still hadn't been caught, and someone or other had finally noticed the squished Inquisitor was missing. Sarge reciprocated by dumping the Big Box of Do Not Touch in Sciscitat's airlock. He was not thanked for this.

>>50139177
My cousin fell sick with national pride once, it was awful. See your doctor now just to be safe.

>>50139177
Well, not directly, it's this giant clusterfuck of franchising companies buying eachother, but the current top dog is MTY Food Groups out of Quebec. I had to go up there briefly to convince them that I actually had a purpose back when they first bought us out, but aside from that I haven't had any real reason to interact with them at all, which is what I consider an ideal working relationship.

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>>50139232
>My cousin fell sick with national pride once, it was awful. See your doctor now just to be safe.

The lineups are to long.

>>50139331
It's wait in a line or spend two weeks vomiting your national colours while trying to sing your national anthem. Trust me, the line is worth it.

>>50139331
I had no line twice in the last year.

Theres a dead spot a little after 7 am on tuesdays. Whole place is empty.

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>>50139223

The odd man out in all this was Doc. Instead of relaxing while he had the chance like a proper guardsman, the medic went and practically begged the Apothecary to let him assist in the treatment of Sergeant Gravis and the wounded Deathwatch Marines. Doc must've earned some actual respect from the Astartes for keeping Gravis alive, or maybe his display of fanboy-ism was just too much to ignore, because the Apothecary eventually accepted and our medic was temporarily promoted to Volunteer Nurse and Janitor. He was also made to swear this oath not never talk about any of fancy-pants medical procedures he assisted in (which the we were thankful for, since it spared the rest of us a whole lot of disgusting medical stories), but he was allowed to update us on the status of the three Space Marine patients.

According to Doc, Heart and Grumpy were out of stasis and being kept in an induced coma. Between them they were going to need four augmetics, a dozen replacement organs, over a hundred hours of bone-realignment surgery, and a few months of bed-rest, but were expected to make a more or less full recovery. Sergeant Gravis was obviously in worse shape, but had at least been cleared of the Tyranid biotoxin by some Space Marine techno-magic, and had finally been removed from his damaged Power Armor. Doc said the Apothecary wasn't quite sure if he'd be returning to duty (mentioning something about Gravis' chapter being undersupplied), but had started installing neural links for some type of specialized full-body augmetic anyway. We figured that sounded like as good an ending for him as was possible, though we were all a little unclear on what sort of augmetic a "Sarcophagus" was.

Anyway, asking about the Space Marines was the closest thing to work most of us did on the trip, so we were all in a pretty good mood when the light-cruiser finally reached our destination and we made our way back to Sciscitat's ship.

>>50139477
>Dreadnought Galvis

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>>50139477

Thankfully, it only took a single day of cramped normal-space travel to reach orbit over our destination, the hive-world Haarlock's Wager. Or, to use its full name, Joseph Haarlock Sucks At Cards. We were advised not to discuss the planet's name or the names of its primary hives with the locals. It was apparently a touchy subject.

Upon reaching orbit we were subjected to that most wonderful of experiences: a customs inspection. Which explained all that stuff about what we could or couldn't bring, even if didn't explain why the Inquisitor hadn't just told us the reason beforehand. Maybe he didn't want us trying to solve the problem ourselves.

Anyway, on a normal mission the Inquisitor would've flashed his rosette and that would've been that, but Sciscitat apparently felt that wasn't discreet enough. By the time we'd hit orbit, he and his minions had done some sort of cogitator stuff to convince the locals that our ship belonged to a local asteroid-mining syndicate, and even dug out some business suits and scribe robes for everyone but us to wear. We were just given little insignias to put on our armor and asked not to accidentally kill any inspectors. Between all that and some gentle psychic manipulation from Face and Snitch, the inspection went off without any significant hitches. Though there were an awkward few minutes when they insisted on going through the pile of stuff Nubby had brought back from the light-cruiser. Luckily there weren't any laws against having a bunch of second-hand small valuables and expensive clothing (mostly of the feminine variety), and while there probably was one against ripping an all-in-one kitchen and laundry unit out of one's quarters on an Imperial Navy Vessel, transporting it was entirely legal.

Once the inspectors were packed away there was another day of cogitator stuff and meetings, and then we were handed our orders, packed aboard a shuttle, and sent down to do some Inquisiting.

>>50139541
I have to sleep and be up in four hours but I don't care. Shoggy, it is nice to have you back, my dude.

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>>50139541

Well, actually it wasn't so much "Inquisiting" as "sitting around in a van". See, The Inquisitor's investigative techniques hadn't changed since his promotion. He still sat around on his ship with his precious cogitators, pouring through data gathered by his psykers, spy toys, and socialite minions until some clue or other caught his attention and he sent out his sneakier henchmen. Our role in this was that of emergency armed backup; "emergency" in this case meaning that they'd tried literally everything else short of an exterminatus.

Every morning four vehicles would exit the mid-level hab-block which served as our home base The first was the scan-van, holding Snitch, the Tech-Priest, and all their spy toys, and typically piloted by the Cleric. Then there was a pair of sporty little anti-grav vehicles which Face and the Interrogator used to get to whatever up-hive social event they were nosing around that day. The final vehicle was an acid-stained junker of a van bearing the logo of a Soylens Viridians collection service, which had apparently been sold after its cooling system failed while hauling a full load, and was occupied by five extremely grumpy guardsmen.

These elevated grumpiness levels had more to do with our assignment than the deliberate shittines of our vehicle. It wasn't that we particularly minded being relegated to backup, and we were only moderately unhappy about the fact that we were STILL hadn't been told what the actual mission was (after all, it wasn't like we wanted to go out there and do all the cloak and dagger nonsense ourselves). No, the thing that had our collective panties in a twist was that we were expected to spend about twelve hours a day DRIVING A GROUND VEHICLE around a HIVE CITY.

>>50139477
>dreadnought Gravis
This is something i want to see

>>50139519
>>50139699
>yfw he sees the AGP and screams in fear/anger/anticipation?

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>>50139662

Unless you've actually been in a Hive it's impossible to truly understand how unpleasant navigating one via a ground vehicle is. If you want a general idea though, take the messiest, worst designed, most overloaded traffic system you've ever encountered and then make it three dimensional, fill any gaps with poisonous smog, and finally populate it with the most aggressive idiots this side of an Orkish Warband. Just navigating the place was a miserable experience, when you factored in our van's lack of seats, air conditioning, or proper filtration systems, it got downright hellish.

Of course hellish conditions are part of a Guardsman's job description, so we suffered through nearly two weeks of automotive torture with no more than a moderate amount of bitching. Day after day, we followed that damned scan-van around at a distance of "no more than six hundred and no less than four hundred meters", idly noting the way other drivers subconsciously made way for it but not us and how carjackers and other such bottom feeders always ignored the immaculate vehicle in favor of our obviously worthless van. Then, every night, we were summoned into the evening holo-conference with the Inquisitor to report that we'd done nothing but sit in a van all day and futilely request actual bloody seats for our vehicle. The requests were rejected of course, as were our ones for actual intel on what the mission was and orders that had an actual point aside from just pissing us off, and we were then kicked out of the meeting before operational security could be compromised by us overhearing the rest of team's reports or the Inquisitor's brilliant fucking deductions.

>>50139845
To be fair they did try rather hard to not let him die.

>>50139872
So NYC?

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>>50139872

So, what amounted to our "day job" sucked. It was uncomfortable, stressful, and (as far as we could tell) completely pointless. Seriously, it wasn't like they the team was even doing any real missions, they were just sifting for data and were far better equipped to get themselves out of trouble than we were. Five heavily armed men opening up on an overenthusiastic carjacker, or launching an armed extraction into an up-hive fancy dress party for that matter, is the sort of thing that hostile Inquisition-types notice, and as we were repeatedly reminded by our boss, being noticed would be a BAD thing.

Honestly, it felt like every aspect of our assignment was purposely designed to piss us off, except we were pretty sure that the Inquisitor didn't actually care enough about us to rearrange the whole mission just to spite us. Well, except the shittiness of the van, that had to have been his idea, or the Tech-Priest's, we decided to split the difference and just hate them both, but not as much as we hated the van itself.

Not that our time outside of the van was any better. The Inquisitor had decided that we would "have to be as the sharks, swimming in the sea of humanity, moving silently, lest the ripples of our passage forewarn our prey". Which apparently meant that, instead of a nice securable warehouse or office complex or luxury apartment, we'd be making our base in the middle of a bloody hab block. Sarge had lodged a protest, citing the impossibility of properly securing a base surrounded on six sides by civvies without everyone and their mother noticing. This just earned him a lecture on how futile mere physical defenses were, as well as a reminder that absolutely no defensive explosives were to be used in our security measures. The ensuing argument about whether we'd been justified in blowing an entire floor of one of the Inquisitor's previous bases to shrapnel, along with the hostile hit squad that'd been on it, got Sarge ejected from the briefing.

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>>50139980

So the entire ground team wound up crammed into handful of adjacent habs halfway up a lower-middle-hive block full of manufactorum workers, Administratum scribes, and far, far too many nosy little kids. We secured the "half" of the base which we were assigned as best we could without a proper killing field and left the rest of the team to handle their own security.

The problem of blending in was similarly divided. The Inquisitor's minions procured a wide range of disguises, complete with falsified documentation inserted into the local Administratum databases and perfect local accents. We just tacked our old Guard insignias back on and told anyone who asked that were on leave, and threatened to shoot them if they kept asking stupid questions. The rest of the team claimed this was "unprofessional" and "going to get us killed along with you idiots", but failed to provide a better alternative.


Anyway, the point is that our base was cramped, insecure, surrounded by non-guardsmen, and filled with teammates that we hated more with each passing day, and despite all that, it was STILL better than driving around in that bloody van. Really, when you get down it, a (still-populated) Hive City is just about the worst place for a squad of guardsmen, and it was a minor miracle that we made it as long as we did before things started to fall apart.

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>>50140324
>it was a minor miracle that we made it as long as we did before things started to fall apart.


Hark, they're playing our song!

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>>50140324
>it was a minor miracle that we made it as long as we did before things started to fall apart.

>>50140324
How did twitch not explode?

Literally or figuratively.

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>>50140324
>Before things fell apart.

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>>50140324
>it was a minor miracle that we made it as long as we did before things started to fall apart.

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>>50140324

It started with Tink getting permanently relieved from driving duty due to a small incident involving a lack of merging room, an especially belligerent trucker, and Tink's oversized plasma pistol. Luckily, Doc was able to spoil Tink's shot, and Sarge was able to convince the traffic cops that:
>A: There was nothing sinister about a van full of heavily armed men, because
>B: We were obviously just a bunch of Guardsmen on leave, and therefore
>C: Tink's behavior was a matter for internal Guard discipline. Have a nice day officers, here's a little something for your trouble, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, please don't tell our CO.

So it really was just a minor incident with no significant impact on the investigation, and therefore not worth actually reporting to any of the very busy people on the other half of the team. Unfortunately, the police network was one of the ones being monitored by the scan-van, and the Interrogator (who was officially the ground-team leader, even though Sarge had a month or two of seniority on her bitchy ass) didn't see it that way.

We survived the ensuing lectures without murdering any teammates, though Snitch's fun habit of loudly reporting everything we were thinking made it a close thing. Further flak was then earned the following evening, when after our fifth request for vehicle upgrades was rejected out of hand, we decided to pay an after-hours visit to a "recycling" shop that Nubby had spotted. We exchanged some second-hand Imperial Navy cabin appliances for a set of totally-not-bloodstained seats and an air-conditioning unit and got a sweet "Heavily Armed Buyers" discount). We managed to get the parts back to base without any significant problems, but only got halfway through installing the stuff before the crazy tech-priest busted in, declared our upgrades to be "an abomination in the eyes of the Omnissiah", and started ripping everything back out.

>>50140419
Let's face it, hearing that fills us with hope. Hope that many keks will be had.

We might be bad people for this.

>>50140389
Higher than normal medication dosages, limited contact with civilians, and the buddy system.

It was Doc absolutely nailing his Medicae rolls more than anything though

>>50140447
This tech priest need to be Plan Q'd.

>>50140447
>It started with Tink

only had to read up to here before i started giggling uncontrollably.

>>50140471
>We might be bad people for this.

Maybe, but I'd rather be bad and smart than good and eaten by Tyranids. Because those are you're options.

>>50140471
>We might be bad people.
There's nothing wrong with laughing at the impending train wreck, right?

....right?

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>>50140447

Tink and Twitch both lobbied hard for just killing the cogboy and blaming it on underhive mutants or something, but unfortunately he wasn't alone, and even more unfortunately, the man with him was Snitch, who called the rest of the team in and gleefully reported our murderous thoughts. Yet another painful lecture from the Interrogator followed, with our more annoying teammates chiming in to point out how useless, counterproductive, heretical, and generally incompetent we were. This was a bit more than even Doc and Sarge could put up with, and things devolved into a pointless shouting match that only wound down when both the upstairs and downstairs neighbors started banging on the floor/ceiling and threatening to call the police.

The rest of the night was a very tense affair, the high point being a private meeting between Sarge, the Interrogator, and the Inquisitor, which had involved a lot of yelling and detailed explanations of how unpleasant things would be for us if our "shenanigans" fouled up the mission. Sarge came back from that in an impressively foul mood, and was actually the one to lead us through round N+1 of the "can we get away with deserting" debate. Several ideas, most of which seemed to hinge on Guys that Nubby knew, were put forth, along with some rather over-the-top suggestions involving what could be left as a goodbye present for our teammates, but in the end cooler heads prevailed. It was agreed that, in the morning, the majority of us would go and actually apologize to the Interrogator, and see if Doc's idea to try buttering her up instead of Sciscitat would secure us some better working conditions.

Then, at around three in the morning, Twitch shot the Interrogator's dog.

>>50140832
>Twitch shot the Interrogator's dog.
Well, it's better than blowing it up. Kudos, Twitch.

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>>50140832

>Twitch shot the Interrogator's dog

Here we go

>>50140832
>but in the end cooler heads prevailed.
>Then, at around three in the morning, Twitch shot the Interrogator's dog.

IT BEGINS

>>50140832
>Then, at around three in the morning, Twitch shot the Interrogator's dog.

Holy shit Twitch, what the fuck!? I bet he thought it was an Ork in disguise. Well at least they were only Cyber-Mastiffs and not actual dogs, right?

>>50140719
Only if the emperor laughs with you!

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>>50140832
Aaaand here's where the Guardsmen Train leaves the rails and looses it brakes.

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>>50140832

Well, it wasn't like it was actually a REAL dog, it was just Cyber-Mastiff. Those things have more in common with a toaster than an actual animal, and she had six of the stupid things. Well, five, but anyway, it wasn't like she didn't have a few to spare, and Twitch had TOLD her to stop having them patrol near our side of the perimeter. It wasn't that we minded having a bunch of animalistic murderous machines which only answered to a woman who hated us nosing around our quarters while we slept, no siree. It was just that the damned things had no sense of self preservation and would walk right into Twitch's traps unless specifically ordered not to. And while none of the stuff we'd been allowed to set up was lethal in and of itself, all of us had pretty violent kneejerk reactions to the sounds of a motion sensor alarm going off in the middle of the night…

Really, it had just been a matter of time, and we'd TOLD her. Frequently. With demonstrations…

For some reason she didn't appreciate it when we pointed that out to her over the smoking remains of Cyber-Mastiff F1-D0, or whatever she'd named the stupid thing. Maybe it was the way Twitch kept yelling "I TOLD YOU SO".

Anyway, that was final straw. The Interrogator claimed it had been deliberate, Sarge told her she was being delusional, the Tech-Priest suggested having us all killed, Tink said he could fucking try, several hands started drifting towards weapons, and things might've gone very poorly if the Inquisitor hadn't chosen that exact moment to call and tell us that he'd "cracked the code".

>>50140903
Glorious will be the day the AGP finally gives up on playing inside the system.

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>>50140903
>its not a pet its an appliance.jpg

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>>50137799
>Caught AGP live

>>50140903
Never change Twitch.

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F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5

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>>50140903

It wasn't entirely coincidence mind you: a few of the Interrogator's saner teammates had decided to call a higher authority before things turned into a bloodbath. Sciscitat had pretty much said "that's nice, now let me tell you why I'm a genius" and commed the rest of the team so they could hear too. He didn't feel any need to include us in the call though, so we just had to sit there and piece together what was going on based on what we could overhear and people's responses.

As far as we could tell the Inquisitor had found something surprising in all the data his minions had been sending him; so surprising, in fact, that it called for a complete change of mission objective. To what (and from for that matter) was a mystery to us, because Emperor forbid anyone tell the stupid guardsmen anything, but it was apparently important and time sensitive enough to push the whole shot-dog thing onto the back burner. Everyone started running around, and after a short whispered conversation with her boss, the Interrogator stalked away with an even grumpier than usual expression, leaving Face to relay us orders (but not any explanations). We decided to take what we could get, and started gearing up for action.

Three hours later, we were edging our shitty van through traffic towards some sort of lower-mid-hive office complex. As usual, we had absolutely no idea what was actually going on, only that Face, the Assassin, and the Interrogator would be inserting from some upper tier, and that we were supposed to park outside the 247th floor service entrance along with the scan-van. Given the lack of intel, we assumed that we were just there for the usual emergency backup duties, because if the Inquisitor actually wanted us to something useful he'd have at least given us a map of the building. At least that's what Doc had suggested, Sarge thought he was being overly optimistic, and Twitch maintained that it was all a plot by our teammates to get us messily killed.

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>>50141024

out of the frying pan and into the oven.

even deserting now is too late.

Surprised they haven't gone full Khornate yet, with how shitty everything is here. I'd be going nuts.

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>>50139223
>the only notable exception being an oversized plasma pistol that went to Tink

something like this except instead of pistol casings it's plumes of white-blue ionized gas coming out of the ejection port?

>>50141056
It's never too late, just tell Nubby all is lost then do your best to keep up.

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>>50141024

Our van, not being equipped with anti-grav or the ability to psychically influence other drivers, was the last to reach the building, and arrived just in time to watch the scan-van slide into the last available parking spot. After a futile search for anyone that looked ready to pull out (or bribable/threatenable), Sarge reported that we were out of position, and asked permission to either search elsewhere or dump the rest of us on the curb. The request was denied, the Inquisitor told the rest of the team to start the op without us, and Sarge started swearing under his breath as he reached the edge of the building and realized there was no way to turn around before crossing the skyway to the next sub-spire.

Fifteen minutes, two highly illegal footpath-crossing U-turns, a faked engine failure, and whole lot of profanity (not to mention death-threats) from both us and other drivers, a spot was found. Admittedly, it was a small spot, and was labeled "Administratum Courier Vehicles Only", and was TECHNICALLY occupied, but we figured the owner of the little bike-thing wouldn't mind us relocating it to somewhere more efficient, such as the bed of the pickup truck three spots down from it. Nubby managed to back our three meter wide van into the two-and-a-half meter wide spot with only minor damage to the vehicles on either side, and Sarge triumphantly informed Sciscitat that we were in position.

While the Inquisitor made sarcastic comments about how long it had taken, we checked our comms, readied our weapons, and all suffered minor heart attacks as what sounded like a small battering ram slammed into the van's rear door. Sarge swore and thanked the Emperor for weapons safeties as the blow was followed up by two more and a bellowed order to come out our face the wrath of the Jack Hive Traffic Authority. He took a breath, mustered the coolest face possible while wearing a guard-issue helmet, and cracked open the van's rear door.

>"Problem Officer?"

>>50141218
Sarge is best troll.

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>>50141218

Deep in the bowels of the Inquisitorial headquarters on Holy Terra, there is an archive maintained by the Scribes of the Ordos Scriptus. In this archive, the most heroic victories, valiant defeats, and horrible sacrifices made by the agents of the Inquisition are recorded, so that even if the Imperium it protects may never learn of them, the greatest moments in Inquisitorial history are not forgotten. Our argument about Hive Parking Regulations with the traffic officer, a mere dozen meters from where our teammates were engaged in a covert operation vital to the stability of the Imperium, was not one of those moments.

It wasn't like we had any other options though: there were no other spots, leaving our post mid-mission would never fly with the Inquisitor, and as attractive as the idea of just shooting the man was, we were pretty sure that publicly gunning down a police officer would be considered "blowing our cover". So, violence and retreat not being options, we fell back on our wits, words, and Sarge's charming demeanor. Needless to say, it went poorly.

Now, just to be clear, Sarge's diplomatic abilities weren't the problem. In fact he did far better than any of us had expected, which is to say that he made it through the whole ordeal without accidentally confessing to any major crimes, revealing our mission, or assaulting the man. The Diplomacy Adept would've been proud. Anyway, the problem was that this traffic officer was the most relentless, pedantic, self-righteous bastard we'd ever encountered (which is really saying something when you work for the Inquisition). The man just stood there, completely implacable in his enforcement of Jack Hive Traffic Ordinances, picking apart every excuse, ignoring every appeal, and dispensing a near endless stream of tickets from his servo-skull assistant.

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>>50141371

Sarge suffered through twenty minutes of that hell. Not out of any sort of idiotic stubbornness, but because every time he tried to shut up and take his ticket the Officer reached for his comm to call a tow vehicle. It was a simple choice between abandoning his post or keeping the argument going, so Sarge did his duty and repeatedly crammed his foot into his mouth. Well, not literally, he was just sort of hanging out of the smallest possible crack in the van's rear doors, desperately trying to hide the fact that he and everyone else in the vehicle were carrying highly illegal weapons, while he babbled for time. But figuratively, well, by the end he was practically shitting toes.

Of course, the rest of us didn't WANT to leave Sarge out to hang, but violence wasn't an option and it was all we were good at. Nubby did volunteer to trade places with Sarge, but that was shot down for obvious reasons. Twitch and Tink also made some suggestions that involved sneaking out and creating a distraction, unfortunately the only door that wasn't wedged close by the surrounding vehicles was the one Sarge occupied, and busting out the windshield didn't seem very sneaky. Doc's more practical idea to call for help from our team, or at least get permission to fall back, didn't work out any better. Whether they were actually busy, or were just being asses were unclear, but our teammates in the scan-van claimed they had better things to do then help us get out of a parking ticket, and the Inquisitor just told Doc to get off the shared comm channel. In retrospect he probably should have described the problem as a potential hostile agent, or an Arbite, or anything other than a traffic cop really.

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>>50141401

So lacking anything useful to do, the rest of us just sat there, listening to the rest of team's comm chatter and praying to the Emperor that one of them would screw up, and the death of Imperium's most annoying Traffic Officer could be put down as acceptable collateral damage. That didn't happen though, which was probably a good thing given how important the information our teammates extracted turned out to be…

Anyway, by the time word finally came down that the objective had been completed and it was time to pull out, Sarge's twenty minute argument with the Officer netted us citations for:
>Parking in a Restricted Area
>Failing to Vacate in a Timely Manner
>Operating a Commercial Vehicle Without a Permit
>Impersonating a Commercial Vehicle
>Failing to Vacate in a Timely Manner
>Operating an Administratum Courier Without a Permit
>Impersonating an Administratum Courier Vehicle
>Failing to Vacate in a Timely Manner
>Tampering with an Administratum Courier Vehicle
>Loading or Unloading a Vehicle in a No-Loading Zone
>Failing to Vacate in a Timely Manner
>Attempting to Bribe a Traffic Officer
>Attempting to Threaten a Traffic Officer
and
>Failing to Vacate in a Timely Manner

The whole thing was thoroughly humiliating, ended with a total fine of over twelve-hundred thrones as well as three separate court summons, and since we were never actually called on to do anything, was completely pointless. That said though, we managed to maintain our position without actually being arrested or starting a shooting war with the local authorities (though admittedly things got pretty close near the end there), so we were willing to call it a moral victory. Mind you, the Inquisitor and his minions didn't see it that way, but fortunately they were a little too caught up discussing the data they'd extracted to do more than make a few sarcastic comments.

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>>50141444

By the time we finally escaped the Avatar of Traffic Ordinances (the second he'd realized Sarge was pulling out, all that "vacating in a timely manner" stuff had gone out the window and the bastard had started dragging his feet with a sort of grim vindictive glee), the rest of the team had finished pulling out, held one of their no-guardsmen-allowed meetings, determined that SOMEONE was SOMEWHERE, and had all started heading off towards some place in the upper hive. We knew this because every five minutes or so the Inquisitor commed us to ask why we hadn't left yet; Sarge wisely removed his combead and put Doc in charge of talking to the man.


It took us three hours of driving to climb above the smog layer, through the middle levels, and into the relatively low section of the upper-hive where whoever we were chasing was. This was longer than the Inquisitor wanted it to take, but it at least gave Sarge some time to calm down, and after the first hour we were able to ditch the rebreathers, so it was actually relatively pleasant. In fact we made it the whole way without encountering any serious traffic problems, or even seeing a single cop, which was great for both our nerves and their continued survival, but probably should have stuck us as a little odd.


Anyway, everything was uneventful and relaxing right up until we were about two kilometers from our destination, which turned out to be a chapel dedicated to some local Saint. It wasn't the largest place, at least by hive standards, but whoever "Castor the Obviate" was, the locals at least thought he rated his own sub-spire, with a shuttle port and road connection to boot. We were in the middle of trying to figure out how best to get to said skyway from our exit when the mission's timetable abruptly accelerated.

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>>50141444

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>>50141461
>when the mission's timetable abruptly accelerated.
Looks like cock up's back in the menu, boys!

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>>50141461
Let the shit fanning begin!

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>>50141461

From what we'd overheard on the comms, our teammates were more or less in position to launch an infiltration of the Ecclesiarchy-only sections of the chapel. As usual, we had absolutely no idea WHY they were doing this, only that it involved some guy who was hiding there. Who he was, what he looked like, and whether the end goal was to kidnap, interrogate, kill, or bake a cake for the sucker was completely unclear.; apparently it wasn't something we "needed to know". The same went for what OUR whole role in this operation was and why in the Emperor's name they were delaying everything to wait for us, but that turned out to be a moot point since the mission went off the rails before we even got there.

Everyone but us was more or less in position. The scan-van was parked outside, Face and the Interrogator were already inside one of the chapel's public areas, the Cleric was chatting up a fellow fanatic near a service entrance, and the Assassin was being all assassiny on the roof. Then the Tech-Priest noticed a sudden increase in encrypted vox traffic and Snitch sensed several hostile minds entering the area. This was followed by Face announcing that a pair of local Secret Police-types moving towards the target, the Cleric and Assassin reporting that their entrances were now blocked, and the Interrogator loudly blaming all of it all on us for taking so long to get there. Tink responded by pointing out that WE hadn't asked them to wait for us, and followed it up with some choice comments about her personality and parentage, which she reciprocated. Sarge made a half-hearted attempt to shut Tink up, but was beat to it by the Inquisitor, who cut both their comms and started belting out an impressive stream of orders, of which ours were "get into position right now, or by the Emperor I will make sure you incompetents die before I do".

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>>50141482
>when the mission's timetable abruptly accelerated.

RUN

>>50141529
Welp, now I know what Hell looks like.

>>50141524
Presumably the AGP's role in all this is to be thrown under a bus by the inquisitor and take all the blame for the stealthy shenanigans from the local authorities and enemy agents.

Caught it fucking live wooo!

Moving to night shift doesn't suck anymore!

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>>50141524

As tempting as it was to take our damned time, there's nothing quite like an Inquisitor issuing orders in a tone of suppressed terror to motivate a cooperative attitude. Nubby (who's lack of scruples made up for his inability to see all the way over the dashboard, and was already in the seat in any case) put the metal to the pedal to the other metal, and started weaving through traffic like he had a Tau hover-tank on his ass while Sarge navigated. Speed limits and lane markers were ignored, signs and lights were treated as amusing suggestions, and anything smaller than us was trusted to look out for itself (or in the case of one of those Administratum couriers, wind up clinging to our hood and screaming in a most unhelpful manner until Sarge pried them off).

Between our obvious willing to trade hits, superior guardsmanly reflexes, and a whole lot of luck, we made it to the skyway in under five minutes, only to discover that the road to the chapel was at a complete standstill. Sarge eyed the jammed lane leading to the chapel, then the nearly empty lane leading FROM it, and told Nubby to go for it. The rest of us gripped onto whatever surfaces we could find, and prayed to the Emperor that everyone on the bridge was more chicken than us.

Fifty-four heart-stopping seconds and three near misses later, our shitty van screeched around the Secret Police vehicle that was in the process of cordoning off the outgoing lane (nearly crushing the officer in the process), jumped a section of sidewalk, and power-slid into the last available spot in front of the Chapel's main entrance. Nubby killed the engine with a half-hysterical giggle, Tink helped pull Twitch out from where he'd gotten wedged, and Doc reported our position to the Inquisitor.

Sarge slumped back in his seat with a sigh of relief, only to jerk upright as an armored glove slammed against his window and a horribly familiar growl of a voice asked him if he knew how many traffic laws he'd just violated.

>>50141708
After this is all said and done Sarge is going to have similar reactions to traffic officers that Twitch has to orks.

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>>50141708

>And that's it. That's all I got. Sorry it's sort of anti-climatic, but that's what happens when I bog down for several months of re-writing the same damn travel sequence over and over again.

>Anyway it's way later than I intended to stay up, but hey, it's nice to get to the end for a change. I'll be here tomorrow and MIGHT be able to get another post or two written (all from scratch now, no more half-written stuff to salvage, just the raw notes), but I doubt I'll reach anything truly exciting.

>As I said, I'm gunning to get the rest of this chapter (or at least the first 2 combat sequences) written and posted around the 18th. So if this thread ain't up in the morning, I'll see you folks then.

>>50141750
Thanks for posting Shoggy. It was greatly appreciated and enjoyed.

>>50141750
That was an unexpected end. Ah well, I need to sleep anyway.

Feels like there is a section missing between this and part one of "The REDACTED Conspiracy"...

Could someone link me?

>>50141708
Nemesis status achieved.

Also taking all bets if he's a secret agent, double agent, an amazingly pedantic asshole, or a vampire ork in disguise .

>>50141801
you didn't miss anything. The story does kinda skip a beat, but no plot is missed.

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>>50141750
It's ok Shoggy, good to have you back up and running!

>>50137799
B A S E D

A

S

E

D

Glorious.

>>50141750
Thank you, it was a perfect ending and I look forward to the 18th.

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I CAUGHT IT LIVE HOLY SHIT AHAHA\HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAZHAHAHAHAHAFGUYHRGBGBFVBBSUOGHIO yey

Listen up, Guardsmen. Shoggy 'might' come back with a few more drips in half a day or so. Just in case, just bump this thread up when it's like page 8 or some shit.

>>50138046
>executing the over-complex he cooked up
overly-complex plan?

>>50141708
>Sarge slumped back in his seat with a sigh of relief, only to jerk upright as an armored glove slammed against his window and a horribly familiar growl of a voice asked him if he knew how many traffic laws he'd just violated.
Oh shit! It's the avatar of Ticket dispensing!!

>>50143355
He's the ticket dispencer this hive city deserves, but not the one it needs right now

>>50140832
>Then, at around three in the morning, Twitch shot the Interrogator's dog.

Twitch, you are my goddamn HERO.

>>50143598
>>50143355
He's like the Judge Dredd of Traffic Cops.

>>50144008
but the question is, will he manifest on the Occurance Border and start handing out the tickets like candy? Will he be the hero the imperium needs and get a court order to impound the Occurance Border?

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Finally managed to catch a thread, even if its only semi-alive.

Thank you Shoggy and all of your insane friends. You have inspired many a shenanigan. Godspeed.

Shoggy live!? Twice in a row? Truly I am blessed.

Shoggy is like a 40k Terry Pratchett.

>>50143355
>Oh shit! It's the avatar of Ticket dispensing!!
Hopefully it doesn't turn into this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uTO31B1R2c

>>50143598
>Ticket Avatar saying “Do you know how many traffic laws you just violated?” in Christian Bale's Batman intimidation voice
>“This hive just showed you that's full of drones ready to believe in Adminstratum-sanctioned traffic regulations!”

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>>50137799
ALL HAIL SHOGGY! FUCK YEAH!

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>>50141761
>>50141764
>>50141994
>>50142605
Thanks for sticking it out guys, I always overestimate my posting speed.

>>50141801
>>50141947
Yeah, the transition is rough, and the intro sort of sucks in general. Originally, I'd been intending to split the chapters at the point where our session actually ended, which was when we boarded the Inquisitor's ship, but I got bogged down and wound up ending the Redacted chapter early in an attempt to get shit posted. I'll see if I can't at least rework things a bit to make them clearer for the big posting.

>>50143241
Fixed, thanks

>>50143355
>>50143598
>>50144008
>>50145814
It gets worse. I am 95% sure that pic-related is where our DM came up with the inspiration for Meter Maid Dredd.

>At work currently, but keeping an eye on this thread and will see if I can't get a post or two up around lunch.

>>50146172
>4chan at work

Bold strategy, Shoggs.

>>50146172
Nice. We'll keep the faith, shogster.

>>50146172
Looking forward to the continuation later today.
Just don't get yourself promoted because of browsing 4chan while at work.

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>>50146172
To be honest, I was waiting for one of you guys to do pic related to that SuperTrafficman

How the hell haven't they caught the attention of one of the chaos gods after all they have done?

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>>50147534
Maybe they have, but no one is doing anything because EVERYTHING'S GOING EXACTLY AS PLANNED

>>50147618
>>50147534
Or we could go with the much more logical explanation that the Chaos Gods are simply retarded, incompetent, dweebs who are only a threat because of the unlimited power provided by the evil emotions that dwell within everyone's hearts. They're basically the cheesy Saturday morning cartoon/anime villians that act all edgy because no one respected them before as true villains.

>>50138550
On the other hand, if heavy weren't dead, we wouldn't have Tink.

>>50147782
And we would have never had that glorious bastard, chopper.

>>50139366
I want to see someone from Seychelles doing this.

>>50147858
Cutter.

>>50147782
>>50147858
That's True, very true. But still, that bastard needs to pay for his hubris.

>>50147903
Fuck.
Anyways, that guy had the most glorious death a guardsman could hope for.

Shit, i bet some astartes would have grinned with that sorta send off he got.

>>50141708
>an Inquisitor issuing orders in a tone of suppressed terror
Oh shit. The faecal matter really has collided with the air-conditioning unit, hasn't it?

>>50141708
I can think of a few solutions they might consider.

1. Deal with him like before and get stalled. Will probably result in (more) long term problems with the inquisitor and pals.
2. Punch him and move on. Will probably result in short term problems after the mission.
3. Conscript him. If he survives, the inquisitor might hire him to spite the party though, with the luck they have. Long term problems of a different kind.

I have to leave for work in 10 minutes. wheres the archive link again?

>>50149572
So, taking all bets! What horrible evil stuff is the evil-Inquisition been doing on this planet?
>A) A genestealer cult that has taken over the important people in the Hive,
>B) A Chaos cult has been summoning demons in the chapel,
>C) A mechanicus Necron cult is "upgrading" bad guys into death machines,
>D) A Dark Eldar coven has been trading with them, exchanging people for forbidden tech,
>E) TWITCH WAS RIGHT ITS ALL ORKS EVERYWHERE
Or some other misc evil

>>50150106
Hmm... they haven't had much experience with Genestealers. Just a little with The Bitch. So I say A.

>>50150106
>Jokaeros finally make their move for galactic domination.
>More traitor inquisitors that confuse everyone as to who the actual traitor is.
>It's a false alert. Tzeentch cultists leaked false info to get everyone at the wrong place/horribly right place.

>>50150106
>F) All of the above

>>50150106
See I was originally going to pick "B" because we already know the evil-Inquisition has been/is in the process of being corrupted by Chaos. However, given how surprised the rest of the team is acting with the "genius" deductions by Inquisitor Shitstain, I bet more than "just" sorcery/demon summoning going on.

I'm going to go with A
>"A genestealer cult has taken over important people"

But with the caveat that the evil Inquisition knows about the infestation is attempting to experiment on/with the genestealers to figure out how to better control the Tyranids.

Some very bad shit is about to go down in the chapel as part of evil-inquisition's experiment (remember how the exit was blocked but the entrance is grid-locked full of people coming in. That sounds like a set-up for a massacre or worse).

Just some idle speculation until Shoggy returns.

>>50150106
Vampire Orks.

Nothing else would take the smug prick off guard like that.

>>50150955
Wait...
Ork genestealers mimicing meter maids.

>>50150955
It's actually Inquisitorks

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>>50151049
Oh fuck

>>50151049
>We came fur da hats 'n staid fer gubbins!
>ALSO YOUZ A DIRTY 'ERETIC!

>>50151110
>TakeASquigOvaDer.jpg

Deploying Voss pattern bump.

why is not archived yet?

Sorry, got dragged into actual work for most of the day, I'll see if I can't get a post written when I get back from the gym.

>>50152874
I'll update the HTML archive in the morning, was too busy today.

Be sick
Have awful chemistry class
Get home
AGP
Good to be alive

>>50152943
Shoggy Lives.

The Salamanders have nothing on us.

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>>50152943
I meant on suptg, oh Shoggiest one

>>50153051
Eh, I don't see the point really, I'll wind up reposting all this stuff in two weeks, so no reason to clog up the archive.

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>>50153091
from the start again?
oh, in that case you're right, also, glad you're back writing Shoggy, I missed your stories

A fine birthday present, this thread. Good to see you in better spirits, Shoggy.

>>50153091
By the way, don't forget to visit your fans elsewhere. We were worried.

BUMP FOR THE BUMP GOD!

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>>50154293
In case you need reminding which ones those are...

>tfw I missed AGP again
I've at least got to post in the thread to make myself feel better about it.

>>50156076
Well, it's still possible Shoggy will post again tonight... right?

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The gym has left me a bit too beat to post tonight, have a new art as compensation. (Will post 2ish posts during the workday tomorrow)

>>50139662
>Soylens Viridians
Cheeky

>>50156381
Nice. I like it, even if it's hard to read sometimes. Probably made by orks.

>>50156381
Thank you for codifying my tabletop group's standard operating procedure. They probably aren't orks.

>>50156381
What is that?
No less than 33 to the power of 10 detpacks?

>>50156444
It's actually a thing in the 40K universe.

http://warhammer40k.wikia.com/wiki/Imperial_Food_and_Drink

>>50156381
That is just plain awesome.... Thank you!

>>50156381
awesome chart man.

Also, really hoping that snotty Inquisitor and his team get some kind of comeuppance for being assclowns.

>>50156381
Emperor willing, this is gonna be included in the guardsman's uplifting primer one day.

>>50157699
Don't worry, he'll be there to take the credit for whatever the party does.

And hopefully get BTFO when Oak sees right through it.

I've just been rereading the archived threads.

Are we sure that Twitch isn't a misplaced Imperial Fists chapter serf or something?

>>50159534
Some say, he was born from a tryst between Sly Marbo and a Krieger clone-womb. All we know, is he's called The Twitch!

>>50159534
Well we know Nubby is a blood raven aspirant, but who would the rest of the party be representatives of?

>>50160910
Tink, possibly Iron hands?

>>50137799
Hot damn, we back already?

>>50139007
Apothecary is the best bro.

Bump a lump.

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YES! I CAUGHT THIS ONE LIVE!!!

>>50162323
Not quite...

>>50162323
Its alive as Schroedinger's cat.
I would be massively surprised if this thread would survive until Shoggy came back.

>>50162619
It might if people save their bumps for page 8 or when he does come back.

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Sorry, took all morning to get the archive up to date. Only just finally got started on the writings again.

http://www.theallguardsmenparty.com/secret.html

>>50164291
You vote, shoggy?

>>50164291
Nicely done Shoggy!

I feel it could do with a more fitting name though. Simply "The Stealth Mission" is a bit less evocative/descriptive than the other chapter titles. Or is it hard to make one in because it would give away the plot?

>>50164405
I mailed my vote into CO, where I actually care about the local legislature, a week or two ago.

>>50164539
That is exactly the problem. Once the whole thing is posted I'll probably ask you folks for help picking out a better title, or input on how to re-split the chapters into something more coherent (I really miss every chapter being standalone)

>>50165024
Sub titles man.
have a arch title then sub titles for the missions within it.

>>50165056
Something like this.

>>50165024
Also, Shoggy, are you gonna continue your story tonight any further or do you prefer to do it in one go during the turkey genocide-fest?

>>50165024
Make it like a japanese light novel title where the title is the plot in one sentence as a question.

>>50165121
>We have to Work with that Frakking Inquisitor Again?!

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THIS SUMMER

ONE TICKET DISPENCER

BECOMES A HERO

>the shitty van blows up in the distance as Judge Ticket attempts an arrest for Illegal Use of Explosives in a Public Area

AND SAVES THE IMPERIUM OF MAN FROM THE GREATEST THREAT IN THE GALAXY

>Shot of the Occurance Border looking more like an omnious spacehulk now that a entire facility has been wielded onto it

GUARDSMEN

>Scene of Sarge facepalming as Nubby is patted down and eventually just held upside-down and shook for contraband

>>50165383
Parody episode of that tau guardsman show in weeaboo inquisitors domain.

>>50165024
Waaayyy too long a title, but I can't help but feel like there's something to be said for the adage about "Never piss off people who prepare your food" and expand on it a little more. to include "Bodyguards/People who are supposed to watch your ass."

Hey, you and your group play 3.5 too? I found books for the Kingdoms of Kalamar the other day and Jesus wept there is so much worldbuilding fluff in those things! Especially the books on the "Faiths of Tellene" which is all sorts of alternate rules for Clerics, one of which makes you into Jesus Christs Multi-laser via "Conjuration (healing) spells can be cast 1 lvl lower, at +2 CL, and all 'Cure' spells can have your WIS and CHA modifiers added to them."

>>50165417
no, what'll happen is there'll be very large arguments over which series is better, G.I. Guardsmen or Arbites the Animated Series

They'll make a thread on /-][-/ about it and compare it to such shows as CIAPHAS CAIN HERO OF THE IMPERIUM and Commisar Fuklaw's Army

>>50165560
Its a board that frequently gets invaded by /b/eamons and trolled.

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>>50165121

I'M THROWING MY CROWNS AT THE SCREEN BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING

>>50165604
Ah yes, with such heresy as Abbadon-spammer, where basically every image is of Abbadon losing his arms in many situations, and Gorksie

>>50165560
I prefer the Mobile suit Farsight over those.

>>50165927
Well, at least it's not My Little Heresy

>>50165927
>That's cause ya got shit taste ya zoggin' git. That show's made fer fat humies to wank ter dem Blue git "WAA-fus" in dem big Killy fings. Everyone knows da bes' show is "Da Yarrick 'n Da Beast", Dat Fings a mastahpeice in Romantic Dramady's

>>50165383
Take my money, all of it!

>>50165024
I feel like 'Inquisitor Asshat's Stupid "Stealth" Mission' from the intro dialog would be a perfect title

>>50139662
They should really kill that interrogator.

>>50166659
With any luck his own hubris will do that for them.

>>50166536
How about call the whole story arc as "The [REDACTED] Conspiracy", with subtitles for each chapter being "Tyranid accuisition experts", "Tyranid delivery experts", "Deamonid pacifying experts", "Parking ticket acquisition experts".

>>50166659
His punishment must be more severe.

The AGP will frustrate his ego. They will let him believe that he can take the credit, so he can see himself clambering over them to "stay in Oak's favour". He can watch them destroy his arrogance when they fulfill their mission.
They will fuck up his every plan while completing Oak's assignment.
Then, when his pride is ashes, he has their permission to die.

>>50166659
With time, the arrogance of the inquisitor will get his party into a shit situation and the AGP will live up to his personal opinion of them.

>>50166745
Either that or he tries to pin everything on the guardsmen when shit hits the fan and it's time to ask the question of who is going to pay the damages.
But then, Guardsmen just feign ignorance and claim that "We are just simple guardsmen, how could we have infiltrated and stolen highly secret data from highly secured facilities, with just our standard guardsman issue weapons and equipment? Also if you listen to the comms recordings and listen to the witnesses, you will surely hear how we are constantly declared to be far too incompetent to be able to pull something like that off."

>>50166745
Why not just inject a little anarchy into the plan and see what happens?

>>50141529
The fuck did this person do to deserve this?

>>50166977
He had information the Inquisiton needed.

>>50150106
I pick F) all of the above.

>>50158636
Maybe we will get to see Sarge order Nubby to kick himand the rest of the pretentious idiots in the dick(or taint we wont discriminate) or nuts for that matter.

>>50165114
I think I'm probably going have to call my attempt at live-writing a wash. I'm having a terrific amount of trouble getting anything done here.

I'll keep trying to get something posted until this thread dies, but I'm really just spinning my wheels here. Bleh.

Sorry guys, a quest-master I am not. I'll pop back in after afternoon-gym time to make a final attempt before 404.

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>>50167253
We will wait...

>>50167253

Shoggy, you give us wonderful and humorous story time. You take all the time you need to keep it at the quality you are known for.

>>50168181
The mental image of an entire tomb waking up, rising to the surface, and marching right past the imperial battle lines so the troops could check the internet for new AGP chapters was totally worth missing a couple teaser paragraphs.

Make the Imperium Great Again

>>50167253
We wait mo0nths for these. A few more days won't do us any harm.

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>>50169828
I hope you're ready, boys.

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>>50169886
I am. Our God-Emperor will come unto us, and the unworthy will be cleansed with blood and fire.

>>50166685
I think "Tyranid Acquisition Experts" is an arc all on its own, divided into Capture, Transport, and Delivery chapters. Then the final arc is "The Redacted Conspiracy", since they only learnt the conspiracy even existed after dealing with the Daemonthrope.

All the other chapters are pretty self contained. You could probably group them up if you wanted to, but there's not really any need.

>>50169881
Second.

Shaggy is easily the best writefag in recent years.

Even if it is over I finally caught a live one. Today is a good day.

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We Remain.

>>50171814
It finished two days ago, I'm not sure if it really counts

>>50173310
If the thread is up it still counts

>>50171814
>>50173310


We can keep hopeful.

>>50174067
Here's to hoping in a dark universe.

>>50174930
Cheers!

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>>50172644
Shouldn't be long, now.
Not enough to sleep anyway.

>>50166192
>Ork berates Human for watching a show with fan service
>Shills a sappy, romance novel quality, soap opera, where the entire appeal is "wacky" situations where the Commisar and The beast some how end up alone together

Pot, meet the Kettle.

>>50166192
This thread is brought to you buy the mental image of Yarrick singing "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast at the top of his hoarse, dehydrated lungs in the middle of the deserts of Armageddon.

>>50139477
>GRAVIS ENDURES

>>50166192
I prefer My Little Xeno: Heresy is Magic. So sweet and heretical, it gets my gears going.

>>50179015
>tfw you can't actually remember how that song goes and can't look it up because you're at work.

>>50182390
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx1MmY1Bb50
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/beauty_and_the_beast/belle.html
if it helps. Second link gives you the lyrics, if youtube is blocked.

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>In the cold, empty void
>Far from light
>Dreaming impossible dreams
>We wait.

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>Æons are as nothing to ones such as we.

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>>50180485
Imperial rule number 15 prohibits my little xeno being discussed.

Prepare for blam.

>>50185414
Good luck. Known heretic here, this is the least of my offenses, do you really think you'll win this time?

>>50146172
Was this the meter maid? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UhduvvA_Xpo

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>>50141708

The expression on Sarge's face… well, let's just say he managed to sink his fingers about a centimeter into the dash during the few seconds it took us to rig up a camo tarp to hide the rear of the van from sight. Fortunately, by the time we'd finished and he rolled his window down, he'd regained enough control to limit himself to merely glaring at the Officer in an attempt to kill the man via pure concentrated hatred.

As Sarge announced that no, he did not know how many laws he'd broken, but would appreciate being informed, in detail, by the helpful officer, the rest of us quietly argued about what the hell was going on. It was fairly obvious that the Officer had followed us on his hoverbike, but why was less clear. A properly paranoid Inquisitorial team would've probably assumed he was purposely trying to interfere with our mission (in fact, that's exactly what our teammates said when Doc told them), but we were less sure.

For one thing, if the Officer was some sort of enemy agent, or their catspaw, he should've actually LOOKED like a normal cop. His kit was perfectly regulation, and there really isn't any rule that says a traffic cop can't be a two meter, hundred twenty kilo mountain of muscle… But your average traffic cop doesn't practically vibrate with the internal anger of an officer who wants nothing more than to arrest the entire planet, from the lowliest underhive grubber to the Planetary Governor, for not doing it right.

Then there was the way the actual agent types on the scene reacted. As Sarge began arguing his way into another massive pile of tickets, a pair of those planetary secret police guys (possibly the ones who'd been setting up the roadblock we'd bulled through) came running up, only to freeze in their tracks as they sighted the Officer. After a brief argument, the two of them had lowered their weapons, carefully backed away, and very pointedly went to find something else that needed their attention. Very interesting that.

Don't get too excited that's all I've got until I escape from work this evening. I really wouldn't bother keeping this thread on the board, as I said, I'm aiming to just repost it all next weekend.

>>50186757
A bit less obtuse, a lot more angry.

>>50186926
My brain was somehow offline a moment ago and i didn't even notice your new post, thanks for posting again, Shoggy.

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>>50186926

You made my soul cry Shoggy. Only doing one post hurts my soul.

On the other hand though, why does this Traffic Officer sound more and more like Joe Dredd?

>>50186853
>Secret Police vs Traffic Police
>Secret Police turn around and hurry away
...ok, NOW I'm intrigued. Whatever fresh hell is about to drop on their heads, I hope this guy survives.

>>50187400
Ooh, neat pic. I'm taking that. It's mine now.

And the reason he comes off as Traffic Officer Dredd is because he literally is. I mean, the DM wasn't subtle about it at all, we had that nailed from the moment he described the guy as having more strength and toughness than Sarge. The Stallone impression and the fact that he actually went out and bought a Judge Dredd mini were just extraneus.

The in-character realizations, not to mention the in-world justification for his existence, were a bit trickier.

>>50187755
Thanks for the update Shoggy!

Hmmm, I wonder what the in-world justification for this guy is. I expect your GM probably has a good explanation for why this guy exists, takes his job so seriously, and (at least appears to be) a traffic cop. Much like Bane Johns (the super spy) was a psyker sub-consciously using his own powers to make everything always go his way, there has to be some explanation for why this guy exists.

Wait...

Didn't Shoggy say we may not have seen the last of Bane? Could it be we see him here...

>>50186853
Please tell me one of the gardmen informed this angry police officer of the many peoples who where obstruing the law of the Emperor. I'm sure blocking that many entance of a shrine is highly illegal.

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>>50186853
>he'd regained enough control to limit himself to merely glaring at the Officer in an attempt to kill the man via pure concentrated hatred.

>>50165759
And there would obviously be a daemonette in there making people rage hard.

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>>50187755

>Image theft

That is 10 years in the ISO cubes, Shoggs.

And a paddlin'.

>>50186853
It's some kind of Nurgle cult revolving around causing Despair via traffic laws, smog and the DMV.

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>>50182468

>>50187755

It's all yours Shoggy, I literally just googled "Judge Dredd Parking Ticket".

>>50188874

I'm suspecting he's an actual member of the Adeptus Arbites, as opposed to one of the local Enforcers. I'm betting he's pissed off someone important because of "Muh Law"

Saving bump

Deploying Mars pattern bump!

Is Shoggy planning on coming back?

>>50196539
Eh, I might be able to get more finished this afternoon, but I wouldn't recommend holding your breath.

>>50196593
If I promise to swallow will you come back?

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>>50196593
All Guardsmen party inspired bump shoggy

>>50196593
Requisitioning a bump courtesy of Inquisitor Asshat.

>>50196914
rip Cutter.

>>50196914
THIN YOUR PAINTS!

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>>50196914
>No Nubby.
For Shame.

>>50196593
Abide we shall.

>>50200029
im >>50196914

Nubby is the kneeling one (at least in my mind) but its hard to do Nubby in model form

>>50196914
Did their regiment even have a name? Besides "Cannon Fodder" or "Dead."

>>50201345
Genner 99th Regiment
Gener IC regiment

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>>50200029

Or to put it all another way, we'd been in the Inquisition long enough to recognize a monomaniacal fanatic when we were issued a parking ticket by one. Doc, being the current comms bitch, reported our reclassification of the Officer from "threat" to "very annoying hazard" to the Inquisitor, who responded by yelling at him for kicking up a fuss about it in the first place. Doc took this with good grace, because from the sound things it probably wasn't the best time to get snippy.

Based on what we could overhear on the general channel and see though the rust-holes in our van, things weren't going too smoothly for our teammates. There was a lot of chatter about diverting the Secret Police and the target having run off the Assassin kept asking for directions through air vents, the Cleric needed someone to open a door, and the scan-van was relaying all sorts of worrying info about incoming reinforcements. Things certainly didn't sound good, but they hadn't degraded to the point where they wanted us involved either, so we just sat in our van like good little guardsmen and waited for our orders. Lacking anything else to do, most of us were engaged in Twitch's sixth and seventh-favorite pastimes of tracking potential hostiles and planning pre-emptive strikes, when Sarge stuck his head around the tarp and announced that he needed two volunteers to run a quick errand.

Volunteers in this case meaning whoever looked the least likely to get themselves arrested the second they stepped out of the van. Since Twitch currently had pin-less krak grenades in both hands, and Tink had his goggles on and was resting the tip of his oversized plasma-pistol against the section of paneling between him and the Traffic Officer, the options were limited. Five minutes later Doc and Nubby were standing at the top of the chapel's stairs, avoiding eye contact with Secret Police officers and trying to figure out just where in that most holy shrine one could get one's parking validated.

Well that's it, I'm off to the gym for tonight, and don't really intend to post during my get-shit done day tomorrow. Thanks for sticking around, and I'll see you folks on Friday probably (I'll have to figure out exactly when family is arriving before I post a hard time though).

>>50196914
Neat!

>>50201377
He graces us with yet more. Shoggy is truly beneficent.

>>50201462
Might have to make a new thread for it.

>>50201377
>Volunteers in this case meaning whoever looked the least likely to get themselves arrested the second they stepped out of the van.

> Five minutes later Doc and Nubby

> Nubby

Wow. This truly is a dark day when Nubby is your "least likely to get arrested."

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back to page 1 with you

What do ya say, ladz? Let this thread die gracefully?

>>50204647
personally, I'd like to keep the beacon lit

>>50204732
Eh, we're soon out of bumps anyway (I say, and bump it)

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>>50203115
>ftfy

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>Caught it in time, but only as it dies

Giving my last bump for the thread.

>>50201543
But nubby is good at getting out of arrests.

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>>50137861
Yeah, I'm trying to sleep, but I'll chug through what's been posted first. No rest for the wicked.

Just let it die already!

>>50209929
It is now dying.
Let's hope it wont rip a new eye of terror into reality when it disappears.

>>50205924
true that