Keeping a straight face as a GM

>>49889159
Throw red herrings. Grin suspiciously and say there is definitely not a dragon researching your doings, ask them to roll Will saves against what is definitely not a thousand-year-old curse, and just in case of a pit trap, what is your character's weight?

Don't bother. If they start calling you out on your lies, just say "make a reflex save" and then ignore whatever the fuck they roll, and roll like 10d6. There character takes that much damage. Then stand up and say "your dead motherfucker" and knock him miniature off the table. That'll teach those fuckers to manipulate you into admitting the truth.

Goddamn I fucking HATE players who do nothing but bitch about my DMing, then when it's their turn to DM it's the most boring, contrived, railroaded shit ever. Was literally dropped into a Matrix-style arena to fight as many enemies as possible to "prove" myself to some Mary Sue cunt NPC. Or forced to sit to listen to some demon lords monologue and when I figured I'd be interesting and be the "fuck you faggot" guy and bull rush him suicidally, I didn't even die in a cool and cautioning way, I got told I couldn't deal any damage to him and the faggot just ignored me.

Fuck this shit. Fuck other DMs, anon, if you are doing a good job keep doing it, cause god knows those other motherfckers can't do it any better.

>>49889226
5/10 decent trolling, but bitching about DMs doing the same thing you advice OP to do kinda gives the game away.

>>49889211
That's not a bad idea. I'm not trying to pull the big bamboozle on them every session, but having those false flags every once in a while could help.

>>49889226
I appreciate your passion. Really.

I haven't gotten any complaints from my players. Somehow I got them to spend like 2000 gold on bogus magical artifacts from a shifty merchant actually named "Honest Flamm" and I had to cover my mouth when they started buying "potions of elfbeard". The players said that they didn't suspect a thing. So I don't know if they're retarded or just polite.

>>49889211

I'd advise against this op. The best way imo is to smile all the time. IT works in retail and in GMing too. Behind a smile you never know if they hate your guts or are giddy they are going to make money off of your purchase.

Hard to look like you're lying if you hidentify behind a mask.

>>49889334
Except I am doing in response. Whereas I would give anything for my DMs to "rocks fall" the group or even just my character so I can quit playing. And the worst part is I can't just quit the group because they are the same group I DM for.

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>>49889159

You clearly need to get yourself a GMing mask and wear it through the session - bonus points if you remember to take it off whenever you're speaking out of character so that the players have a visible marker of what is or isn't in or out of character.

>>49889602
>GMing mask
zozzle

>>49889602
But what should I wear if I'm NOT running a horror campaign?

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>>49889561
>I wish my DM would kill my character so I can quit playing
>I can't quit playing though because this is the group of people I DM for that I bitch about

Anon maybe social hobbies aren't for you

>>49889719
I don't think you understand, nigger. I DM for these fuckwits on a weekly basis. I enjoy it. But when they try to DM in the spare time we have, I usually make up excuses why I can't participate in their shitty homebrew RPG playtest or pathfinder one-shots. I am the only decent DM in that group, and except for my uncle I think I am the only decent DM I have ever met. I've been told this by dozens of people, too. People have even paid for my DMing. Why should I be forced to sit through plebs who don't know what the fuck they are talking about.

>>49889921
Cool story brio. A shame about your personality, maybe it'll improve when you hit 18.

>>49889921
>I'm a great DM
>If someone metagames I rocks fall down their character, throw their mini, and scream in their face

What I'm learning is that being bad at keeping a straight face is not the worst thing I could do as a GM

>>49889159
>a trap that you're especially excited about
this guy again

>>49890435

>shitting on people for taking pride in their work
this guy again

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>>49890435
>the trap is his sister

Nothing wrong with some fraternal pride.

>>49890591
>sister
>he's in denial
Anon...

>>49889159
Play online.

>>49889159
Are you my GM? Every time we're about to do something dumb, he gets this little grin and his right hand and he drums his pointer and index fingers against the table.

We all know he does this, but we haven't told him we're onto his tell. Instead when we see him doing that we'll say, "Okay, hold up. Let's rethink this."

He's starting to get annoyed that we "never fall for his cool traps."

>>49889921
Dude, you sound like a teenager, straight up.

>>49889226
You're**

>>49889979
My personality is just fine, lol. Plenty of people like me. That's why I am in five different RPG groups right now, even though some only meet once a month. I don't play online like Roll20 losers, so they are all IRL groups. I have shittons of friends, I just keep my pissed off attitude underneath. Because most of the RPG players in this world piss me off. Self-absorbed fuckers who constantly make WoW references at the table, or don't shower, or something else. But what really pisses me off is when they try to DM without knowing even the basics of DMing. They are so bad at it. The adventures they produce are so fucking boring. I don't mean they are cliche. I don't mind cliche. I love cliche. But these adventures are flat out boring as all fucking hell with zero direction or substance to latch onto. The combats are boring and unsatisfying, the campaigns are railroaded as fuck, or just offer nowhere to go.

>>49890085
You're right. You could be shitty at DMing in other ways. But metagaming is inexcusable and I use a three-strike warning. Or one strike if I'm not feeling a forgiving mood.

>>49891328
> straight up

You sound like a faggot when you say that.

>>49891690
>wall of text
tl;dr, and holy shit are you butthurt.

>>49889159
Wear a mask. Make baneposting players roll with disadvantage if their humor seems unfunny for you.

>>49889159
Had an extremely hard time of this last time when my players started joking that the next (and last) session of our Clone Wars campaign is going to start off with Order 66.

It is. And apparently my players actually suspect nothing, even though I've been foreshadowing it the whole campaign.

>>49889159
grow a beard
stroke it when you're going to smirk
they aren't playing poker or anything, so they won't be looking for tells

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>>49889522
Well, make sure you practice a Duchenne smile and not a fake, and/or creepy smile.

>>49892326
Hint from the great Tyra Banks, make sure your smile reaches your eyes, make them smize.

>>49891690
2/10 stopped being funny after the first time

>>49889159
In the 70s GMs used to use screens that covered their entire face for this exact reason, I believe.

>>49890651

Pussy is pussy, whether it's vagina pussy or otherwise.

>>49889684

Nothing at all

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>>49893317

>>49893317
No I think he's onto something here. No one will be looking at my face for a tell.

The problem is lying gets me uncomfortably hard so that could backfire

>>49891942
>wall of text
>literally a paragraph and two sentences

not him, but holy shit, standards have gotten real low.

>>49890591
Mostly I'm upset her dick is bigger than mine

>>49896529
It sure is a lot longer than the one sentence he was replying to. It's at least enough for him to be defensive as fuck.

>>49889159
>being bad at lying and keeping secrets is a useless quality when you're a GM

That's a useless quality in every circumstance, dude.