>An elf has taken up residence in your tree

>>49181413
Hooray my loneliness is over.

>>49181413
>get wood

get out of my fucking tree you goddamn keebler.


I'll get the hose I swear to fuck.

I get the Torch and burn down the tree

>>49181413
Hold up, i'm going to need my pruning shears.

It's just that time of year again, i guess.

>>49181413
>An elf has taken up residence on your growing wood.

>A shitposting thread appears on your board

>>49181413
I'm the lord of these lands you hippie shit get out REEEEEEEEEEE

>>49181413
>Hey tree, there's a guest on you
>I know
>Need help ridding of it?
>Nay, she's funny for now
>Alright then
A treant in the garden is fun

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>a dwarf has taken up residence in your hole

>>49181420

First reply for best reply

>>49181413
Will she be paying rent?
Because I'm pretty sure if she's on the property my landlord doesn't care if she sleeps on the tree or anywhere else, so she's gotta pay rent.

>>49181546
>no fun allowed

Please, Board justice vigilante, pray continue.

URGGHG URGGHHH ELVES NO URGGH DWARVES ONLY DWARVES

>>49181589
Given her long experience with trees she knows how to make cider.

Can she pay rent in alcoholic apple juice?

>>49181413
I feel like the ironclad rule should apply:
It's not _____ if it's an elf.

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>>49181413

>>49181648
Whüt?

>>49181634
Maybe, but it's an Oak.

>>49181639
The "It's not rape if it's an elf" thing works both ways.

Wild elves don't consider it to be rape if it's them doing it either. But then they don't consider it necrophilia if you were alive when they started fucking you.

>>49181675
Are there apple trees within easy walking distance? If so this could be a way to get her out of your tree and on to someone else's wood.

Or you could man up and at least try and assert your dominance over her.

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>>49181413
We've been over this.

Yes, it keeps happening.

Yes, there are many elves in it by now.

Yes, they've formed a primitive society where the strongest elves push the weakest elves out of the tree if they don't receive adequate ear rubs, and have a superstitious fear of my lawnmower. It's like Lord of the Flies but genderswapped.

And that's why it's my favorite tree.

>>49181575
I release the balrog.

>>49181634
>Given her long experience with trees she knows how to make cider.

How does that make sense? That's like being able to make depleted uranium shells because you have long experience with rocks.

>>49181413
Get the fuck out of my tree; there's only room for one of us, and I got here first.

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>>49181413

Does she bake cookies?

>>49181689
Uranium is a metal, not a rock.

And it's centuries of experience. She has delved into the deepest wisdom of all things tree.

>>49181433
I need to remember Keebler as a slur for elves, now... Don't know why I didn't think of that before.

>>49181731
It's nowhere bad as cobbler, though.

It's like the difference between nigger and shitskin.

>>49181724
>>49181689
To be fair there's no reason why you can't get metals if you're truly git gud enough at rocks

What they don't tell you about the deepest wisdom of all things tree is that the path leading up to it involves lots and lots of shrooms.

>>49181743
Alright, can rent be paid in master crafted shrooms?

>>49181413

Great. I was a few XP short of a level. Bitch, you better be worth the arrows.

>>49181757
Nah, that's the Elfen education system.

>>49181413
Get the fuck off my tree before i rip you in half you fucking hag, this is the goddamned forest and you'll treat it with some fucking respect

>>49181777
What about hugs? Can rent be paid to the Lord of the Land in hugs?

>>49181795
Technically yes under the Keebler Convention of '05 but the hyperinflation for hugs makes Weimar look like the Silicon Bubble. She'd be standing there hugging you for years on end to pay her mortgage.

Now BUGS on the other hand, are a perfectly acceptable Elfin currency with a strong exchange rate.

>>49181433
Soggy Wet T-shirt elf.

Even better then.

>>49181413
"Oy! Hey! That's my tree, you know!"
"You weren't using it."
"That's hardly the point! Get down here!"
"No. It's comfy up here."
"Please? ...I kinda just want some company."
"...Do you have cheesecake?"
"Uhm..."

Rolled 11 (1d20)

>>49181413
I throw a frying pan at it.

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>>49181848
I want to feed a freeloader elf homemade cheesecake until she grows only slightly chubby and has cute, puffy cheeks I can pinch at my leisure.

>>49181413
>"hey, I've got a hammock if you wanna string it to that post over there. Less of a fall risk when you wanna sleep."
>"Or there's room inside for one more, plenty of food to go around, and a spare bed if you want it"

>>49181413
"Dammit honey, I said I was sorry! You know the Gregorian calendar doesn't have enough room for all of the Elven holidays! Please just get down here and talk it out with me, I didn't mean to forget it"

>>49181743
I loved that story when I was a kid.

>>49181687
the balrog is now in the tree next to the one filled with elves

>>49181413
Cut down the tree.

>>49181928
It better be an asbestos tree.

>>49181935
no its in your prized peach tree

>>49181932
>Trent the Ent doesn't appreciate you trying to cut his legs off while he sleeps

>>49181943
My tree is not an ent >:(

>>49181413
I wouldn't notice. My wisdom is pretty low. Am I going to live through the night?

>>49181953
As far as you know. Fuckers are lazy and deep sleepers.

Didn't you notice the leaves swaying when there wasn't any wind, or even a slight breeze? That's an Ent snoring

>>49181887
"You really like cheesecake..."
"'M an elf. 'F your metabolism's a bonfire, mine's a furnace!"
"Wait, so you don't even get fat off all that?"
"Nope! And yes, I know it's not fair."
"So... Why were you in my tree?"
"It was comfy."
"You said, but why were you in anyone's tree? I didn't think elves were real."
"That's not very nice, I mean I'm sitting right here eating cheesecake. If I'm not real, where's the cake going?"
"You're kind of missing my point..."

As long as s/he pays rent it can stay up there.

>>49181413
I cast Eldritch Blast

>>49182027
they better or else the counts going to be angry he aint getting his tree taxes

>>49181724
A better comparison would have been being an expert at making microelectronics because you have experience with rocks.

>>49182032
>Eldritch Blast
Truly the answer to everything

Don't you need to eat and stuff? Why do you hang around this tree all day? Knife ears are weird.

>>49182128
It must be a Keebler. I heard they can survive a full year with one cookie

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>>49181413
>a druid has taken up residence in your tree

>>49182144
Now we know what the elfs job is.

>>49182144
Can't even tell the difference. Apart from the monthly satanic ritual

>>49182144
Oh hell no, the last thing i need is an animal orgy on my lawn

>>49182153
Druidism isn't a real job.

>>49182173
Woah there buddy,
Careful with that edge
Druidism is as much a job as any other religion

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>>49182144
Fuck bears. Seriously, fuck 'em. They look so cute and cuddly that you cannot resist the urge to cuddle them, to softly boop them on the nose, to gently tug their ears and to give them bellyrubs, but if you try any of that they will fucking maul you. Bears are evil because of how harmless and cute they look.

>You will never, NEVER live in an alternate reality where man domesticated bears instead of dogs

>>49182196
Bears just want you to leave there shit alone mang

>>49182196
There's that one Finnish dude who saved a bear as a cub or something and now it's fully grown but still loves him. He cuddles it and stuff.

>>49182196
Perhaps the same could be said of all wild animals. Imagine an alternate Earth where absolutely every species has been domesticated to be friendly to humans.

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>>49182224
>A bee flies into your house
>Instead of buzzing around and stinging you when you try to chase him out, he apologizes for his mistake and leaves politely

>>49182219
I think that only works because he is Finnish.

Finns are fucking strange people.

>>49181724
>Uranium is a metal, not a rock.

Uranium ore, fucktits. Ores are rocks, colloquially speaking.

>>49182219

Bears are pretty smart and can sometimes be domesticated as result. A 100-200 year old breeding program could probably produce bears that are more in line of dogs in their behavior towards humans.

The problem is though you got a dog that can sort of accidentally kill you with a hug.

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>>49182267
>The problem is though you got a dog that can sort of accidentally kill you with a hug.
To be fair, loads of dogs can kill you if you upset them for some reason.

>>49182239
Or falls in love with you and tries to sue humanity for honey

>>49182267
>The problem is though you got a dog that can sort of accidentally kill you with a hug.
>accidentally
>"TU QUOQUE, MI URSI"

>>49182279

Only because you don't know how to fight. Humans weight more and pack more of a punch than dogs and we're better at wrestling because of our monkey limbs.

In a fight to death, the human might be hurt badly, but the dog would die.

Bas Rutten actually has a story about he knocked out a rottweiler that tried to kill his dog. He basically just kicked it in the head and it was out.

>>49182291
I'm just going to skip ahead a couple of posts
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsGYNfagHlU

>>49182310
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYvzbeMwpjw

>>49182291
That movie
That movie is the fucking weirdest shit I've ever seen

>>49182318
What was so weird about it? Haven't seen it.

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>>49182317
What the Fuck.

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>>49182318
You should watch Sausage party then.

>>49182239
Well, bees basically do just that. They're not aggressive. You can catch one and chuck it outside without getting stung, so long as you don't squeeze it.

Bumblebees, that is. Wasps and hornets are assholes that don't need a reason to poke you full of holes.

>>49182336

Basically a bee "graduates" from bee college, is about to take on a bee job, doesn't know what he wants to do, ends up going out into the world to see how pollination works, falls in love with a human, sues humanity because they "steal honey" and they actually get all the honey in the world given back to them as "reparations" for bees "being enslaved" for the crux of human civilization.

>>49182357
>that
well I know what I'm gonna force my friends to watch so I can feed off their awkward disgustedness today

>>49181413

>An elf has taken up residence in your tree

>shes not interested in you because you fucking stink of BO

>>49182196
Just get a big furry dog, it's not entriely the same, but it's close.

>>49182361
Sound like either a parody of "WE WUZ KANGZ GIMME REPRATUNZ!" or possibly "WE WUZ" played straight.

I'm not sure whats more stupid.

>>49182361
That sounds like your typical coming-of-age movie with a vague marxist/vegan/anticolonialist subtext.

Not any weirder that Zootopia.

Fuck her. My wife will understand.

>>49182384

To be fair, that description only takes up like 2/3 of the movie.

>>49181413
The tree was there before I inherited the estate, and from it's size I'd guess long before its previous owner as well. The tree belongs to the land,not to my estate. It's not as though it bears fruit, anyhow. She may stay.

>>49182384
Mind you the entire thing was written by Jerry Seinfeld many years after he stopped being relevant. I feel like it might be a Jew thing.

>>49182398
So it's only 2/3 retarded.

Does the remaining 1/3 make up for it an any way?

>>49182404
>Romantic Rivalry subplot Starring Jerry Seinfeld and Patrick Warburton
No.

>>49182402
>Jew thing

But it makes fun of lawyers.

Isn't this the third time we have this thread?

>>49182404

Meh, sorta

Basically, all the bees stop working since they have all the honey they'd ever need, all the flowers start to die, at one point they have to steal a flower display from a flower show and fly a plane to NY so that the bees can pollinate the flowers, which causes them all to revive inexplicably, and I think the bee becomes an ambassador or a pollinator, I can't remember which, and the movie ends.

Honestly, I just liked it because Jerry Seinfeld was the voice actor, granted I was a kid at the time but still.

>>49182423
>catched

>>49182422
Self deprecating humor is ubiquitous.

>>49182422
>Implying jewish humor isn't 90% self deprication

I cast 12 gauge. If it's good enough for removing dead limbs from the top, it's good enough for elves.

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>>49182357

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>>49181848
>Oy hey
>oy vey
hmmmmm

>>49182422
My dad knows a shit ton of jokes about Jews. He learned them all from Israeli security people when he was attached to the Israeli embassy as a state employed bodyguard.

>>49182469
I want pol to stay

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>>49181413
Cut it down

>>49182196
Are we talking about animal-bears or gay-bears here? Please clarify.

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>>49182514
Take an educated guess

>>49182429
His name is Barry B. Benson and he becomes an attorney specialising in reparations cases for animals.

>>49181413
I ask if she needs anything while I'm at the store and to please keep an eye on the dog, I don't want him jumping the damn fence again.

Yeah, no shit, why do you think I planted it?

>>49182634
It took you guys pretty long to recycle that joke.

>>49182634
Come on, just because elves are a bit gay doesn't mean they're fruits.

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>>49181413
tree is infected, must purge before elf spreads

>Hi, is the Inquisition?
>This is a secure and classified line. How did you get this vox line?
>Yeah, there's a knife-ear in my tree
>Ma'am, you are abusing Imperial assets
>Oh look, I think it's opening a portal or something? Is it like a mating call?
>...We will be there in 5 mikes
>Thank you, dear. Would you like some cookies? I made them fresh today

>>49181413
Get off my tree you timber nigger!

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>>49181413
My tree is already the residence of catgirls, and they're not going without a fight.

>>49182219
There's an old Finnish fable about a guy who tamed a bear. It went fine until the bear accidentally mauled him. The lesson is fuck bears.

It also led to one of those phrases you wish existed in English: karhunpalvelus (bear's favor), which is when an action intended as beneficial ends up backfiring and causing more harm than good.

>>49182239
>a bee lands on you while you're talking a walk
>"i'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't do that"
>"oh, sorry"

>>49182357
>food porn

>>49182716
What's the penalty for shitposting on official imperial channels? Asking for a friend.

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>>49182196
That's only because not many people have bothered to try.

>>49182306
>Only because you don't know how to fight.
You know that describes most modern humans, right?

>>49182709
Can someone please tell me what exactly is wrong with elf?

>>49182469
>>49182484
Well how the hell do you get someone's attention in a mildly annoyed and only slightly rude way?

>>49181872
What is you STR?
How far up the tree is she?

>>49182943
>Can someone please tell me what exactly is wrong with elf?
Memes.

>>49182979
I blame Tolkien.

>>49182357
Jesus Christ, this is what people call humor?

>>49183038
>blaming the guy that did everything right when it comes to elves
I blame Gygax.

>>49181413
I brandish my black powder rifle at the thing
>GEET OFF MAH PROPERTY

>>49182021
...More?

Eklves and cute girls eating lots of cake is my magical realm.

>>49183125
To be honest, Gygax and D&D elves are fine too.

The typical traits people bring up as being the reasons for hating them (i.e. snooty, always the best at everything, flawless) are not really part of canon D&D elves as a whole. They're something invented by people that find the idea of something being better than humans reeeeeeworthy.

>>49183125
He also did everything wrong when it came to dwarves. Which is why we have all these goddamn elf hating memefags today.

>>49183169
Fuzzy Lumpkin?

>>49181413
..what happened to my cat?

>>49183180
>He also did everything wrong when it came to dwarves
>mountain jews
>bad

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>all these edgy faggots who're gonna get rekt by elf magic

Whatever, eventually the terrible English weather will drive her indoors. I will have a earl grey waiting, as it is the proper way for one to behave.

>>49183177
Which begs the question were all the super human haughty elves come from.

>>49182310
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mSyLCQnH58M

>>49183222
Haughty humans.

>>49183215
This man knows what is up.

>>49181413
>take residence inside the elf
No other proper answer

>>49183222
Elves are superhuman, even in the settings where they're not super SUPER human.

The super arrogant elves of /tg/ memery are just that - /tg/ memery. The only actual fiction I can think of where /tg/'s complaints about elves are legit is the Eragon crap, which is... it's own very special thing.

>>49183274
That old dragon pass game had shitty party elves that pissed me off. (Knights of dragon pass? Kings? I can't remember) I suck at that game.

>>49183215
Lucky asshole.

>>49183274
What Eragon the one where the main character spends all of the second or third book talking about how hot his elf gf is?

>>49181413
Tell the wife that her sister's back in town, then go to the liquor store to pick up some more vodka, 'cuz we'll be out by the time I get back.
I swear. Those two get to talkin' and drinkin' and it's Remove Dwarf and Suika Blyat that.

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>>49182196
If you want bear then get yourself one and train it you lazy fucker.

Look at this bastard:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wojtek_(bear)
Look at him. He served during the war, he carried artillery ammunition, he wrecked Nazis and achieved the rank of corporal.
That fucking bear achieved more then you in your sad life, that is why bears don't want to cuddle with you. Bears don't tolerate loosers.

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>>49183215
>earl grey
I will never understand the English. Out of all the great teas in the world, they favor the most bitter and tasteless of them all. There's licorice root tea, star anice tea, rooibos tea, green tea, and even mint tea but they go for earl grey.

>>49182357
God isnt real

>>49182895
DESU most modern dogs don't have any combat experience as well.

inb4 instinct, you too have fight instinct anons

>>49183595
Bitter beer is good.
Bitter tea is also good.

Maybe we are just a bitter people.

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>>49181541

>>49183588
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQTq07gihqg

>>49181413
Great, I'll leave it a dish of milk in the evenings and hope it brings good luck, or at the very least doesn't play any jokes that would cripple me or my wife.

>>49182889
These things are always cute, but that guy is an injury away from getting mauled.
Often times "domesticated" wild animals will have no problems, until one of the family members displays enough weakness to look/act like a prey item. Then it's all over.
Bears can't be domesticated, don't spread bullshit on the internet.

>>49183595
>Motherfucker
It's not bitter if you brew it right jackass bergamot is a citrus you fucking American
I'm American too

>>49183171
Give me a prompt and a bit of time and I'll see what I can come up with.

I'm not writing obesity or weight gain though, so don't even bother asking.

>>49183817
No, nothing like that, just cute elf girls eating cheesecake and doing cute things.

>>49182889
Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ that has to be the most adorable goddamn thjng I've ever seen

>>49183461
Exactly.

Eragon is shit and its elves are designed to be the perfect waifu for the author insert MC.

>>49183595
>earl grey
>bitter

Kek, somebody is not a connoisseur.

For real though, the English drink a lot of chai and chamomile. Earl grey is excellent after a rainy afternoon, which is the quintessential English afternoon.

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>>49183937
>Eragon is shit
You only needed to leave it there. Nothing in that series is above average.

>>49183845
Sounds good to me! So what do you need, Anon?

>>49183977
Don't forget ginger, lemon and honey for literally every sickness ever.

>>49182825
Oh, we have a saying like that. Only instead of saying "Karhunpalvelus", we say "Fuck up". It's a verg universal phrase for many different situations.

>>49183360
King of Dragon Pass. Available on steam now, as it happens.

>>49184000
elf and other chatting about "so... why trees exactly?" over cheesecake. Maybe something later with alcohols

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>>49183473
>Suika Blyat
>Suika
Nyet Comrade

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>>49181454
>thinks he can burn down a tree with a fucking torch

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>>49181813
>She'd be standing there hugging you for years on end to pay her mortgage.
I can think of something like a hug that could pay it off faster.

>>49183595
>herbal teas
>accusing other teas of being tasteless
I mean, sure, if you prefer inhaling tea to drinking it.

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>>49183866
That man is drinking beer in a hotub with his pet bear. I can't even tell you how much I wish I was that man.

>>49181413
Hey do you plan on staying there? If so, please contribute on farming. Got Rents to pay and now you'll be another mouth to feed.

>>49184093
I know, that ain't the right pronunciation, but gimme some slack here. The language spell I learned was like 5 bucks from walmart.
Actually found a Copper Drake willing to teach me Dark-elf in exchange for some farming tips, so I'm working on it.

>>49182357
Jesus Christ it just keeps going
>you are now aware that the people who animated this movie probably did so for cents on the hour

>>49181413
>one line of greentext has taken up residence in your thread

>>49184024
That just means you haven't had enough unpleasant situations in you history. Go to any slav country and you can spend weeks just writing down phrases that describe different kinds of annoyance and misery.

We have that exact bear saying here in Serbia as well, 'medveđa usluga', though I don't know it's an import or convergent evolution.

>>49181413
>druid
>talk to tree
>find out he doesn't like having the elf sit on him

''Get off the tree you stupid elf''

>>49181413
This makes me angry.

>>49184342
Angry about elves?

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>>49184141
>That Halfling's head size and facial proportions

>>49182895
>>49183680

Pretty much. The dog's only advantage is that it's less likely to freak out. If the human doesn't freak out, my money is on the human. There's so much you can do with human arms and legs while the dog only got its mouth to work with.

>>49184379
ANGRY

>>49184461

Exception: Caucasian Ovcharka. I would not want to tussle with a Caucasian Ovcharka.

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>>49183817

>I'm not writing obesity or weight gain though, so don't even bother asking.

Not... not even a pot belly? Damn Anon, you are a harsh master of the writefagging indeed

If you can't see the cuteness of an elf girl getting paunchy and being all awkward and embarassed about it, I mourn for your sense of humor and your libido alike.

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>>49181413
>My tree takes residence in the elf

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>>49184519
fat elves are just too cute

>>49184585
>>49184519
It's disgusting how some people need to turn elves into something that doesn't resemble them to the point that you may ask why they even use elves for that.

I have a tree? HOORAY, I OWN PROPERTY!

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>>49184627

I think you misunderstand. That's WHY we enjoy it.

An elf is supposed to be superhumanly graceful, thin, even a little Mary-Suey depending on the setting. The whole concept of a chubby elf is just... unexpectedly adorable. Yes, a chubby halfling or dwarf waifu would make more sense, but we absolute madmen enjoy reversing tropes. Dreaming bigger if you will.

Besides, an elf girl has probably never tasted caramel drizzled brownies before. Imagine the adventures you could have, expanding her granola-crunching hippie palate!

>Your plump elf gf would like to learn about the human foodstuff known as "pudding"
>Do you accept quest? y/n

>>49184726
You just have a fetish and shoehorn it into elves, that's all.

>>49184519
>>49184585
>>49184726
/d/ please fuck off

>>49184746
>>49184750
People are allowed to like things without sexualizing them.

>>49181413
"So, you like trees too? Well, this is my branch, but feel free to take the one sticking out forty-five degrees from North and two feet down. It has a lovely view."

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>>49184762

>>49184000
The eragon game was shit too.
Poorly made, bad graphics for the time, repeated missions that had to be done "the right way"
>It was bad.

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>>49181413
We've had this thread thousands of times already.
And we've become increasingly efficient at it.

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>>49184788

>>49184837
Consider again this pale blue board we call /tg/.
That's here. That's home. That's us.

On it, every anon you like, every anon you hate, every game and every thread you've ever enjoyed - posted here.

Every drawfag and tripfag, every storytime and shitposter. Every "/tg/ gets shit done" poster. Every anonymous who you share your hobby with - posted here. On a pale blue board. Suspended in the depths of the vast, endless Internet.

>>49181413
Axe. Petrol. Lighter.

>>49184908
Deep bruh.

>>49182361
Do the bees end up paying rent for all the hives we've supplied over the centuries?

>>49184943
It's a rewritten quote.
>Educate yourself bruh

>>49184209
Bitch, you'd better not be dissing rooibos.

>>49181940
Would you believe it?

>>49184943
>>49184992
Just get a room and fuck already, all the signs of belligerent sexual tension are there.

>>49184989
You mean the slave quarters?
No they didn't pay rent.

>>49184989
What do you think all the honey we've got from them is? Not to mention the honeycomb wax, or the pollination they provide.

>>49185008
I'm >>49184992
But I'm not >>49184908

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>>49184726
That's not chubby though, that's fucking obese. Chubby is a qt elf that has eaten just a little bit too much cake. She has chubby cheeks and some love handles and is kind of ashamed of her weight and wears wide hoodies to hide it until she has lost her excess fat. But she can still fit through a fucking door and doesn't look pregnant.

Not shaming your fetish, just saying that what you're posting isn't chubby.

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>>49185026

>>49185033

>Not shaming your fetish

I like you anon. You're good people.

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>>49185041

>>49185094
Dirty phoneposter.

>>49184267

Half didn't even get credited because they were unreasonably overworked and left over it. There's a huge stink over it because the project lead is a huge douche.

>>49181413
"Damn fucking elf! Stop stealing my books!"

Because my tree is a tree library.

Rolled 5, 1, 3 = 9 (3d6)

>>49182965
I'd say she's on a large branch about halfway into the canopy.

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>>49185117
I don't have wifi.
no bully

>>49183595
We actually favour more earthy stuff like Tetley's, PG Tips or Yorkshire tea. Earl Grey is too fragrant for a lot of people to drink regularly.

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>>49182943
>Well how the hell do you get someone's attention in a mildly annoyed and only slightly rude way?
I was just pointing out the similarity, but theres always The Gas option.

>>49183785
>Bears can't be domesticated

Of course they can. It just requires generations of selective breeding, socialization and training.

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>>49185033

>Embarrassed elf with chubby cheeks and love handles

all of my hnngh

>>49183473
>cyka
That aside, I love the Slavic elf idea.

>>49185085
And you're trash. It should be shamed until it dies out.

Fucking disgusting fat fetishists.

>>49184070
Can do!

>>49184181
>That Marciel doujin
>Not the one with the cursed 'armour'
Shit taste, senpai

>>49184519
>>49184726
You might get an elf who is soft when you poke her. You will never get an elf with a belly, let alone fat and 'obese elf' is as likely as a tolerable kender.

Their metabolisms run like a squirrel with ADHD and as far as I'm concerned, that has a side effect I am just about to get to.

>>49185130
Do you have a book on how to get wood?

>>49185659
>A cheesecake, plate of cookies, box of muffins, a leftover slice of apple pie and a couple of sodas later...

"Are you sure you're okay? You're looking kind of... Odd."
"Me? Pfff! I'm fiiine! Fine! Sherioushly you humansh worry sho much! You- your livesh're waaay too short for that, you shilly fing... Hehehehe!"
"Right... So... Why trees anyway?"
"Why not? They's shooo comfy in the branches!"
"Really?"
"Yah! But they'sh also got shade, shelter, bark'sh great f'r makin' into thread 'n' you've got birdie friendsh an' all shortsh! An' they feed yew and give you wa- Pfff-! Feed yew! Yeeeew! Eheheheh!"
"But there's got to be better-"
"OH! And the shap too!"
"The sap?"
"Yeah! Pamle sh- Mapyle... MAPLE shyrup'sh the besht!"
"Maple syrup? Why maple syrup?"
"Ehehehe... Y'know I shaid mah mehtableyism ish better'n yrs? Turnsh out aaaall that sugar turns into alkeyhol shuper fasht fr elvsh!"
"Wait... You just ate and drank everything sweet in the house!"
"Ehehehee! Aren't you lucky! Y've got a cute shweet little elfie aaaall dwunk in yr living room. Y'd better take reshponshibilitee now~!"

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>>49185892
>>49185861

>>49181413
Demand rent in the form of cookies.
Sell cookies.
Profit.

>>49182866
A Mat Ward codex.

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>>49181722
>>49186156
Fools! Dwarves are the best at baking. And everything else.

>>49185892
>Sugar into alcohol.
>Immersion destroyed.
But no, keep going. This is good.

>>49182219
And then it ate him

>>49186230
This does make a sort of sense, with their fascination with both fire and food. They'll make furnaces for everything. Metal, pottery, bread, charcoal..
Dwarven bakers produce pastries, cookies and breads that you would give up quest rewards for.

>>49181413
What tree?

>>49181413
So that's what they kids are calling it now.

>>49186230
Fucking love Fell's Five. You can honestly see them being characters actually being played, just from the banter. I would love to play with that group.

>>49186247
What do you think she was eating baked goods for? Duh; her body needed yeast to convert the alcohol.

Shut up. It makes perfect sense...

Give me a prompt and I'll come up with something, or try to. Only one or two more though.

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>>49186380
It's a damn good comic

>>49181413

Goddamn it. I already have dwarves digging up my yard, and I know there's halflings in the house somewhere, because I keep finding a sink full of basically every dish and cooking implement I own whenever I get home from work.

I'm praying to Zarus tonight.

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>>49186380

>mfw I have a thing for tipsy girls
>and elves

anon you are a godsend

how about something with her trying on human clothes? since she's a forest hippy and used to "natural" garments and all... or just birthday suits.

>brace for cute

>>49185659
>>Not the one with the cursed 'armour'
>Shit taste, senpai
That was just the only image I happened to have saved, the cursed armor one was good. I didn't read the Shindol one

>>49184997
Rooibos gets a pass due to actually tasting like tea instead of water.

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This thread really makes me want to run a "small town" comfy campaign, where ancient evils are a faraway concern and the biggest issue in town is that Layanaya the wood elf got drunk and now won't leave the tree in the town square. The characters must persuade her to come down before she pelts the wrong person with acorns and trouble starts.

>>49186380
Except we get drunk on the bacteria's toxins that reproduce on yeast with sugar.
>It's literal yet weak poison.
Also are we still sticking to glutinous elves?
How about ice cream to finish off the snacks? Thus isn't really my thing but it is cute.
>Will it turn into cheese? plz no

>>49184770
Man that's a really detailed picture of niggerma.
It's porn isn't it

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>>49186418
>>49186230
Sorry for the shitty quality

>>49186542
What no
http://www.dota2.com/thesummoning/

>>49186618
They made another one?
Neat.

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>>49186563
I wish I had players with characters as memorable as Fell's.

>>49186676
>another
There's like 5 comics
http://www.dota2.com/newbloom/part2
http://www.dota2.com/oracle/
http://www.dota2.com/thelastcastle

>>49186749

Pic seems like a good set up for a banner of some sort.

>>49182317
>>49182350

http://wtffanfiction.com/

>>49182357

Can people finally just admit that Seth Rogan isn't funny yet?

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>>49181413
>Elf in tree
>ELF
TRIGGERED

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>>49182196

>>49186230
>>49186418
>>49186563
The bantz are amazing. Sauce? Well, someplace to read it online?

>>49187211
Read the thread

>>49187276

...oh. it's 4rry bullshit. never mind.

>>49186468
"Urrgh, sugar crashes are the worst..."
"Oh, you're awake-"
"Yes! And I have a bone to pick with you, human! Why am I in your shirt?! I remember you taking my clothes off and then everything's a blur! You didn't... H-how could you take advantage of a drunk girl, you human pig-!"
"Calm down... You spilled soda over your clothes, remember? You started taking them off and demanding I give you something to wear, but when I came back, you were caught in your own tunic."
"Oh. That's less fun, but probably better."
"Thank god. I thought you were about to attack me for undressing you... Are you feeling okay? You're not hung over are you?"
"No, we process alcohol fast. I could use some water though... Oh by the way, uhm..."
"Yes?"
"D-do you have any other clothes you don't need? This is a lot softer than bark cloth..."
"...Would you like to go clothes shopping after breakfast?"
"...Yes please."
"I don't have much money though..."
"I'll pay you back, I promise! But can we get something that isn't as... Enveloping as this? It's kind of claustrophobic."

"There's so many-!"
"Take your time, they're not going anywhere. And keep that hood up!"
"I told you I don't like being all covered like this-! It's not even winter! Why do I need the stupid hood anyway?"
"Because your ears would get way too many questions asked-"
"What-?! You got a problem with my ears, human?!"
"No, no. Your ears are very cute, but people would stare- Uh... Why are you blushing like that?"
"I-it's nothing... Are all humans as direct as you?"
"Riiight..."
"Ah! Look look! They're so soooft! Can we get some of these? Huh? Can we?"
"Wha-? Victoria's Se- Oh boy..."
"What? Look, you try wearing panties made from bark fibers all your life and tell me you wouldn't be excited by soft underwear! Come on, I want to try them on! Quit stalling!"

>>49187405
Even so, you're missing out.
Fell's Five is the best thing to come out of 4e.

>>49187405
>4rry
What did he mean by this?

>>49187405
Dude it's just a comic, you don't have to play anything.

>>49187460
Admits to being a moron

>>49187467
But it's gross and icky. Like girls!

>>49187435
Something smells fishy....
>points on the ears are fake
It's a god damn chuuni!

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>>49187435
itt

>>49187405
Well, look at it this way - it's the best thing to come out of 4th.

And miles ahead of PF iconics with their braindead warrior, senile wizard and lesbo muslim nun.

>>49183274
>>49183461
>>49183937
>Eragon elves are terrible
Yes, but you should keep in mind that they're heavily based on ancient Scandinavian myths of elves, nyths that made the elves out to be immortal demigods.

Also, again, while yes, the elves are mary sues, they also spend literally the entire series as the bitches of one human or another.

So it's not uninspired mediocre teenaged fanfic.

It's mythologically inspired mediocre teenaged fanfic!

>>49182787
>elf on catgirl mud wrestling
Whoever loses, we win

>>49187460

He thinks people are insulted by this. But, as >>49187503 points out, it helps suss out who you can safely ignore.

I think it's supposed to be like calling someone a furry because 4e sounds a bit like furry.

>>49187638
>4e sounds a bit like furry
>four-ee
>fur-e
What kind of accent do you need to accomplish that?

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>>49186247
>Immersion destroyed
Allow me to direct you to:
>https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maple_liqueur
>Maple liqueur is considered to be a traditional part of Canadian cuisine, in part because of its components being Canadian Whiskey and Canadian Maple Syrup.
>Fucking Canadians
>I mean it's just Maple Syrup mixed with Whisky, but still.

>>49187805
It was more on the point that sugar doesn't turn into alcohol. But neat.

>>49187805
>large breasts
>Canadian
That picture is the wrongest thing to ever grace this desolate land

>>49187732

Listen, I didn't claim it was clever, just that that's where the name comes from. These are shitposters, not poets.

>>49186527
That sounds... Kind of awesome.

>>49187892
>shitposters, not poets
well, not everyone can be Oscar Wilde

>>49187833

You keep saying that but that's exactly how fermentation works.

Fermentation is a metabolic process that converts sugar to acids, gases, or alcohol. It occurs in yeast and bacteria, and also in oxygen-starved muscle cells, as in the case of lactic acid fermentation.

I mean, come on. You ever have Tequila or Rum?

>>49187805
It's more that converting sugar into alcohol is not how metabolism normally works.

Your metabolism works by breaking down complex carbohydrates (like sugar) through oxidation, and using the energy released to keep your body running. While alcohol is a less complex carbohydrate than sugar, it's not created through oxidation. Yeast actually has to waste energy to conver some of the sugar it feeds on into alcohol. It does this because alcohol is a good disinfectant, ie. it kills bacteria. Bacteria would compete with yeast for resources, but as yeast can tolerate alcohol better, it produces alcohol to kill off its rivals.

>>49181413
Can I fuck the elf?

>>49181420
t. zoidberg

>>49188016
Race traitor.

>>49188027
God damn it Anon now I'm hearing it.

>>49188016
No, but you can fuck the tree.

>>49187805
>>49187853
Not only is it large breasts, but I'm pretty sure that's Pamela Anderson back when she was in her prime.

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>>49188027

>>49188047
>Pamela Anderson back when she was in her prime.
How would you know? Nobody of us was even alive back then.

>>49187435
More please!

>>49188016
You may shove a pinecone into your ass, with a bit of luck it was hers as well.

>>49188077
I mean, recorded media predates the majority of us, and people upload things to the Internet.

>>49181413
Elf, please get out of the tree, I need it for things one typically does with trees.

>>49185378
Now if only we could apply such tactics to Africans.

>>49183177
>hating those who are better than you

Sasuga, neckbeard-chan!

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>>49187958
So what does this imply about elf metabolism?

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>>49181413
IN the tree? Well, some elves are small enough I suppose...

>>49188039
I am okay with this. Might get crowded and messy for the elf, but they should have expected that when they moved in.

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>>49181413
Since when did I have a tree? Since when did I own land?

Did I win a sweepstakes? Neat.

>>49188077
This site is 18+

>>49188032
At least it's not a female orc or something.

>>49188039
Close enough

>>49188077

... How young are you that you didn't see Baywatch in the 90's?

>>49188219
Speaking as a 23 year old, I didn't see Baywatch much.

Stacked, as stupid a television show as that was, was my adolescent jam.

>>49188156
That they need a lot of protein in order to function.
A belly's a full a day in fact.

>>49188165
Gotta love some dryad. Alien and alluring all at the same time...

>>49188093
Only one or two. All I need is a prompt from you, Anon!

>>49188016
Depends if she consents... Or if you don't give a shit and think you can overpower her.
If you try the latter, you are scum

>>49188032
Get fucked m8. It's been humanity's oldest inclination to go and fuck what no-one has fucked before. We've invented whole new species, just to fantasise about fucking them. We've fucked inanimate objects and animals and you're trying to tell me that it's not a good, human act, to try and get it on with a woman, just because her ears are pointed?

By god, I would be a traitor to my species, my culture and my very instincts if I did NOT lust for elves!

>>49187958
>>49188156
>>49188268
Er... Wait... I didn't think this far ahead...

Do they really need a higher protein intake than humans, or are you fucking with me and making a "Lol blowjobs" joke?

Huh... I just wanted elves to get drunk from sweet things. What the hell have I created?

>>49185521
>spending the afternoon in your backyard mixing potions with a slavic elf
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZk6wXCMCY

>>49188263

It always amazes me that people less than 5 years younger than I am always have just enough a pop culture gap between us.

>a bullet has taken residence in elf's brain

>>49188269
For me, if you were just to continue the day after clothing shopping, that would be just fine. Slice of Life kind of cute things.

Great work so far, anon!

>>49188077
>Nobody of us was even alive back then
Says you.

>>49183215
Must suck to not be immune to magic, pleb.

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>>49188306
An elf bicycle

>>49181413
I get an elf feeder and an elf house. Maybe straw for nesting.

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>>49188269
This man... no, this hero, understands Mankind at its finest.

>>49183595
Earl Grey is only bitter if made improperly bruv.

>>49188306
If their metabolism is much faster than humans, they would need more protein (more food in general, but proteins and sugar are very energy-dense, so they're good to eat if you need a lot of energy). Elf with a hyper-fast metabolism would likely eat the same things animals with compariatively fast metabolism eat, ie. either meat or sugar-rich food. Probably mostly meat, since things that are rich in sugar (like berries and nectar) are rarely found in large enough amounts it would be practical for a large creature to feed itself just with them.

Also, the whole thing about semen containing protein is a myth. It's over 90% water, and the remainder isn't particularly protein-rich either.

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>>49182357

>>49188559
So the carnivorous cannibal elves from Elder Scrolls and that one edgey night-desert D&D realm are the most realistic portrayal?

>>49188326
>makes a whole video about making kompot, when you can describe it in 6 steps
He's an incompetent slav, don't trust him.

How to make kompot:
1) Get fruit/berries/herbs.
2) Fill a pot with water, put on fire, wait until boiling point.
3) Put fruit/berries/herbs into pot.
4) Add sugar to taste.
5) Wait until the water in the pot reaches a rich color (actual color varies upon the contents of kompot).
6) This is your kompot. You can drink it hot, cool or even can it in a glass jar for storage.

t. Slav.

>>49188779
He needs the rest of the time to attempt jokes, some of which are funny and others of which are not.

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>>49188077
nigga im 31 years old
>im 31
oh christ

>>49188829
That means you're still 2 years younger than me.

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>>49185892
Reminds me of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auto-brewery_syndrome

But chubby and tipsy or fat and drunk elves are pretty great

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>>49188829
>>49188891
I'm 26. I was afraid I was on a website filled to the brim with teenagers. I'm glad to see there are still oldfags around here too.

I'll probably still be here when I'm 33 and there's nothing wrong with that. My only worry is no longer being able to relate to normalfags who laugh at me for watching childrens cartoons but enjoy Game of Thrones because the rape and castrations make it extra sophisticated.

>>49188829
and a year older than me. I just joined the club.

>>49188931
> I was afraid I was on a website filled to the brim with teenagers.
There is nothing wrong with being a teenager on an imageboard.
>tfw 21
>tfw watching anime for 10 years and reading VNs for 8 years
>tfw was watching Lucky Star when it aired
>tfw was literally 14 when I found 4chan
>tfw I still remember swapping videotapes and later DVDs filled with anime, before high-speed Internet was a thing

>>49188919
You insult me by the comparison to that comic...

And they'd have to do a fucking keg-stand full of frosting, as a daily thing, to get fat or chubby. Like I said, the most you'll ever find is someone who's a bit soft when you poke them, as opposed to lean, trim muscle.

Sorry to crush your dreams.

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>>49189027
I've watched anime since I was about 13, but only once in a blue moon and in secret. I didn't really start bingewatching anime until about a year ago, when I got my own apartment.

>>49189054
You know there's a reason that's titled "prequel", right?

But sure, just soft is fine too.

>>49188688
Vegetarian elves don't really make much sense, assuming elves are biologically similar to humans (and considering half-elves are a thing, they probably are). It's commonly assumed that our distant ancestors (who, while smarter than apes, still had much smaller brains than humans) figuring out how to use fire to cook meat was a necessary step to us evolving large brains. Brains require huge amount of energy, and cooked meat is both easy to digest and has a high energy-density, providing with a plentiful enough source of energy that we could "waste" some of the energy into developing a large brain, rather than having to use it all for hunting and running away from sabertooth tigers or whatever. Plants on the other hand tend to be rather poor in energy.

Also, elves aren't built like herbivores. Compare the body shape of a carnivore and a herbivore. Carnivores are the ones that tend to be lean and agile, while herbivores are bulkier. Even, say, deer, which at a glance appear very slender with their long legs and thin neck, still have a comparatively bulky body. That's because plant matter is less energy-dense and harder to digest than meat, so herbivores need a larger stomach (they need to eat more plants to get the same amount of energy than you'd get from meat) and longer intestines (to better absorbe the nutrients from their food).
Even then you might have to resort to some weird solutions to get most energy out of your food, especially with smaller animals. Like rabbits usually eat their food twice (ie. they eat their own poop) because the first time it passes through their body it comes out with lots of nutrients still in it.

On a herbivore elf, you'd expect them to have potbellies even if they're otherwise slender, because they need huge guts (compared to humans).

>>49188829

Ridiculous. I've already settled on killing myself by thirty.

Only three more years of this shit to go.

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>>49189210
With some "it's magic I ain't gotta explain shit" we can work around that.

>Muh protein
If we assume leves are wood elves, they can live contained in only a specific set or specific sets of woods which all grow a certain fruit or (more likely) bean that's so incredibly high in protein it's on par with meat.

>Bulky bodies
Redistribute the bulk. Elves are in some lores (such as that of Tolkien) said to be tall. Perhaps that "bulk" is expressed vertically rather than horizontally, making their torsos exceptionally long rather than wide? Combine that with appropriately long limbs and you'd have elves with a pretty gastly, unnatural look. Not exactly sexy, but certainly out of this world.

>>49189268
Why not just wait for time and entropy to take you? Less effort, same payoff.

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>>49188077
>None of us were even alive back then

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>>49183222
8-bit theater

>>49188931
I'm almost 30, and I still don't get used to that. I neighter look or feel like I'm 30 (I look like I'm probably in mid-20s at most, and event that might be pushing it).

I feel that at 30 I should have my own house, a job, a car, a wife and 1.5 kids. And I'm still livign in a small rental apartment, I don't have a job (graduated out of university last year but couldn't find a job, so I'll be going back for at leats another 2 years to get a master's degree in engineering and hopefully a job after that), no car (I've got a driver's license but have never really driven a car since I got it, not have I needed one since I live in a city with good public transportation system), and no wife or kids (I might be sort of dating a girl, though, so I quess that could sort of count?).

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>>49189308

Because it doesn't get better Anon.

It never get better.

>>49183588
Huh I remember hearing about this before.
Didn't he once save an artillery piece simply by causing the group of Nazi saboteurs who saw a fucking bear hauling the shells to nope the hell out of there?

>>49183595
Honestly if you don't overbrew and add just a little honey it's one of my favorite teas.
Then again I'm not British and learned all I know about tea through trial and error.