Useless magic items

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>Fisher Space Pen
>A pen that can write in zero gravity!

Stick in in with a bunch of "Expedition to the Barrier Peaks"-esque sci-fi loot.

I never make "useless" magic items.

Every item is made with a purpose, it's just not every purpose has a combat application.

Like I have my PCs a literal "ghost writer". it's a silver bell that, when rung, will summon a tiny ghost that writes a dramatized version of what ever it hears for the next hour.

Ring of detect magic. It detects itself

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A ring of water breathing that only works if the ring is dry.

Always Inflated Whoopie Cushion - The best distraction and practical joke for the last decade in my campaign.

Dry Bones - The femur, maxilla and tibia of an ancient mummy; these bones absorb and remove all moisture and liquids that come into contact with the bones.

Unopenable Bottle of Jelly - Delicious strawberry preserves, this container can not be opened under any means.

A Rock - A large chunk of stone that has a series of protective scripts on it. This only protects the rock against being vandalized.

Like, five Wands of Remote Controlling - A bunch of wands that control the pigment of long destroyed paintings. Why do you even keep these around?

A tiny tuft of flumph fluff - Tiny, hair thin like clump of flumph spores. I am not even going to begin telling you what is wrong with having this in your possession.

Cursed Circlet of Cursing - Every sixth sentence out of the wearers mouth is a scalding, vulgar and brutal insult

Funny Bone - The holder of this bone has random giggle fits over small nuances and small details in the daily happenings of the multiverse.

A Blue Clicking Mouse - A mouse that makes clicking sounds instead of squeaking, it also emits a faint blue light glow from its belly.

Helmet of Holding - A helmet that when worn, does not produce helmet hair when the wearer removes it.

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>>48973137
I have the Russian version of that.

>>48973755
>dry bones
>absorb all liquid they comer in contact with
Thats pretty powerful.

>helmet of holding
TOO POWERFUL!

>>48973043
Cock ring of detachment. Allows you to magically detach your penis. Does not allow you to reattach it.

>>48973043
A Pen of Dicks.

Every time its owner tries to write his signature with that pen, the signature is twisted into a form of dick.

>>48974292
A pencil needs to be sharpened.
Imagine trying to do that and dealing with the leftover trash in zero-g environment.

Going along with all these pens, a magic pen that always runs out of ink.

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>>48974387
I've got you covered.

>>48974292
Pre-spacepen russians used grease pencils (read: crayons coated in wood).
Post-spacepen kosmonauts use spacepens too.

Also, NASA didn't spend millions developing the space pen.
They estimated that it would be expensive, then cut development funding.
The Fisher Space Pen was an uncontracted private invention.

>>48974387
>the leftover trash in zero-g environment
The left-over highly conductive graphite dust surrounded by critically important flammable electronics.

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A coin that always, always lands on its edge.

I'd pay good money for that money.

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>>48974292
Hope you like electrical shorts and dust explosions.

Meanwhile the Russians actually used pic related, until they adopted space pens in 1969.

Boots of Wall-Walking. Act like ordinary boots when you wear them, but whenever you take them off, they scamper up the wall and you have to knock them down with a pole the next time you want to put them on.

>Quiver of returning arrows
Arrows retrieved from this quiver magically warp back into it after being fired. Right after being fired

>Wand of summon water mount (3/day)
Whenever used, a giant rubber duck will spawn in the nearest reasonably sized body of water within 200ft

>Glasses of drunken sight
Your character can see through them as if he chugged several bottles of ale

>Heroic cape
A flashy cape that always billows in the wind, even when there's none. It's also constantly pulling you backwards

>>48974593
>Heroic cape
It would be useful if you are on a ship set adrift without wind

Just put the cape on someone and tie them to the ship.

It's not a lot of thrust but it's better than nothing

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>>48973755
>A Rock - A large chunk of stone that has a series of protective scripts on it. This only protects the rock against being vandalized.
The others are fun, but fuck, this got me

>self-tightening girdle
It gives you the slimmest waist in all the land. Regardless of what your internal organs would prefer. Also it uses the slimmest waist of any living organism as the bench mark to beat and the debate is out whether microorganisms even HAVE waists.
>bone bow band
An arm band that when worn allows you to, when making the knocking and ready gestures of a bow, fire your own ulna as an arrow regardless of aerodynamic properties. Does not repair traumatic injuries resulting in its use.
>ring of Babel
When wearing the ring you understand and can read every language ever or will ever be conceived. You will however be entirely incomprehensible as you will speak and communicate in a language, mentally and physically, that has never been nor will ever be heard. Removing the ring doesn't remove the words read or heard merely the ability to understand what they mean. Knowledge gained in this way is similarly effected.
>suspiciously comfortable [garment]
A garment of any make but almost always of pleasing design to the eye and body and of current fashion trends. It will be the most comfortable garment you have or will ever wear however you will be constantly suspicious of it to some extent. Users usually complain of it being shifty eyed or worrying that it will contain something dangerous when you wear it next. Investigative and preventative measures will only alleviate the worst of the paranoia.

>Wand of Enchanted Lands (1/day)
On use, something nearby attempts to mate with the caster. It is never something the caster wants to try to mate with. May or may not result in offspring.

>>48974955
>ring of Babel
How does that work with "okay, raise your right hand for "yes" and your left for "no""?

>Wand of Create Wand
When grasped firmly and force is applied Wand of Create Wand creates 2 identical Wands of Create Wand albeit half the size of its previous iteration.

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>>48974756
>It's not a lot of thrust but it's better than nothing
Why do you only have one?

>>48973043
>>48975009
You mean if the wielder is asked to say yes or no with raising his hand? I suppose it will just not work.

>>>48974955 bone bow band
Wombo combo with ring of regeneration.

>>48975018
>dat Tharja

>>48975009
That's where "physically" comes in. You will be unable to communicate in any form that is understandable by any being.
If you ask them to blink once for yes twice for no they probably won't blink at all or the eyes might blink faster than you could physically register.
Once introduced an NPC that broke his shins to answer in the affirmative as he was restrained by manacles and couldn't remove the ring. The players just thought they angered him or something.

>>48975018
where's the joke

>>48975038
Damn. Probably should say resultant traumatic injuries are unhealable. Wouldn't that be a bitch though having a useless arm for 2d10 rounds? Suppose you wouldn't bleed out during that time either.

Ring of minor disappointment:
This ring causes every event, location, and person the bearer sees to just barely not live up to their expectations
For example: "Wow, that skellington was really spooky, but, I dunno, I thought he'd rattle a bit more, y'know?" etc.

>>48975113
>implying webcomics are funny
only faggots are deluded enough to think this.

>>48975122
Shit. I must have one of those on at all times but its just invisible and I can't feel it or take it off. And here i was thinking it was something i could manage like depression, oh well.

>>48973755
just put the ring in a condom and you can breath underwater

>>48974593
>Wand of summon water mount

That could save your life if you are on a sinking boat.

>>48975207
But your dignity will sink along it

>>48975133
It was clearly trying, I thought maybe it was some sort of a clever reference.

>>48975255
Everybody else drowning with their dignity can suck my dick I'm alive.
And I'm a lot more visible on a giant yellow duckie than just a life raft.
Plus I got water and food in my bag of holding.
It's all good.

>>48975265
No, it was attempting to be that cute type of funny only girls like.

>>48975206
Won't work, the ring has a fetish of being under water, ether way it's going to get wet

>Ring of Rings
A ring that replicates itself whenever the owner tries to remove the ring. Instead of pulling off the original ring you pull off a copy. The rings produced are ordinary pewter while the original is indestructible
>Mimic's Dagger
A dagger that takes on the qualities of the last thing that touched it. Whenever held it turns into a dagger made of skin and is useless
>Bag of Thimbles
A large bag that always appears to be completely full, but can only hold a pound of items
>GREGORI'S RIDDLE BOX
a box that generates riddles, no prize is awarded for solving said riddles.
>Ring of Lead fall
Makes character as dense as lead, immediately over encumbers the player.

I have more if these aren't stupid to you guys

>>48975072
So what if you had a party member 'Bob' that wanted to get to the Capitol very quickly. Could you put the ring on Bob, then ask him "Is your name Bob? Answer in the affirmative by NOT being healthy and well in the Capitol in the next 5 seconds"

heck, to go even further, "is your name Bob? Answer in the affirmative by NOT killing the Archvillian and saving the kingdom in the next 2 seconds."

magical items are always so hard to limit

>>48975463
I'm not the poster in question, but you seem to confuse "not being able to communicate" with "will do the opposite of what you ask him to do"
He wouldn't magically appear in the capital or magically kill the antagonist, he would just babble, man.

>>48975548
This. Or he'd communicate in any other way that to him equates to a yes but to you is just nonsense.

>>48975548
Well if you ask him to blink once as affirmative, and he tries to say 'yes,' then he'll blink not at all or multiple times or he'll just squeeze his eyes shut, right?

then if you ask him to keep his eyes open as affirmative, then he'll obviously blink or close his eyes or turn around or something, right?

So then what happens if I say, 'to say yes, do anything but blink once." So if he tries to say yes, to do anything but blink once, then what happens?

>>48975121
>Wouldn't that be a bitch though having a useless arm for 2d10 rounds?
It's a free hidden weapon that fires free arrows.
Use it toward the end of fights or when you don't expect to need the arm for a while.

Solve puzzles by flicking switches from across pits or something.

>>48975297
2 of your friends are alive, too.
>Plus I got water [...] in my bag of holding.
Your ship crash of the paraelemental plane of ooze, or something?

>>48975459
>a box that generates riddles, no prize is awarded for solving said riddles.
Pricey vendor trash that winds up with the (in-game) dungeon builders.

>>48975689
if he raised his right arm, in that context, that would constitute a 'yes,' wouldn't it?

I'm picking at it because the definition of the item is so rigid. If it was left at 'you seem to have forgotten how to speak all tongues on this universe,' then it would make sense. But then he goes on to say that any kind of body language or simple thumbs-up thumbs-down communication would be magically disrupted. That kind of strict prohibition to arbitrary motions that are assigned meanings by people just opens up a huge can of worms, and you have to expect PC's to try to abuse the heck out of it.

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>>48973755
>Helmet of no helmet hair
>Useless

>>48975662
I suppose if a player pushed it like that i'd shunt the wearer into the 4th dimension where he affirmates before returning to a time and place you could see but does so before you ask your question as we're now talking physically placement in a dimension made of time so "when" would be irrelevant. He might not even pop back in what you'd consider a timely manner.

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>>48975758
A 8x8 checkered board with a half a set of checkers pieces and half a set of chess pieces.

Wagers on the board are backed by a Geas.

>>48975806
>fall into portable hole
>head torn apart

>>48975840
>torn apart
Actually, the head travels into Astral Plane, no?
And then you become a dullahan, in search for your lost head.

>>48975866
>Actually, the head travels into Astral Plane, no?
The exact interaction varies from edition to edition and item to item.
But the items are always destroyed, their contents are usually destroyed, and you usually dice to determine if things nearby are destroyed or sucked into the astral*.

*which is weird, because most extraplanar storage works via the ethereal

>>48975818
I've only started DMing a couple months ago, and I haven't yet had a player trying to push the physical limits of the universe, but I'm a little afraid to give them an opportunity to because that's what I did when I was a PC and it resulted in the DM taking the magical item away from us

>>48973043
>The Ever-So-Popular Club of Healing
Does 1d6 of Healing and 1d4 of Blunt Damage on contact
>Tabbard of Curse Removal
Tabbard that automatically censors the verbal and written language of whoever wears it
>The Don's Lance
+5 against windmills

>>48975720
If the ship sinks in an ocean bruv.

>>48975980
Exactly. That is if its game breaking or seriously being munchkinned. If its my fuck up and the guy who regen ringed my bone bow then i'd say i fucked up and enjoy the ride. Unless they actually take 20 turns to move 5 feet before redoing it all.

>>48976029
Is that why your bag of holding is full of water?

>Stick of Swapping

A club that, just before you successfully land a hit on a foe, disappears and reappears in your other hand.

If you are holding it in both hands just before you strike then it teleports into the enemy's hands.

This actually might be fun, to take powerful weapons away from enemies.

>never ending scroll

A scroll that, when fully unrolled, has a fixed length, but when the top is rolled up a little bit, the bottom suddenly is able to unroll a little more. Any paper that is rolled past the limits is wiped of ink and markings, so you can only have the scroll's fully unfurled length in writing at any one time.

>>48976415
>conveyor belt

>quill of uncertainty

The user of the quill develops an un-suppressable doubt about whatever he's writing.

>>48974292
I hope you like tiny graphite particles getting in all your expensive electrical components.

>>48976451
>useless
Put in a congress house/minister's cabinet/whatever law-making institution you have.

>>48974955
wasn't that bone bow band an SCP object?

>>48976632
>>48974387
>>48974532
>>48974577
I don't actually think they used a golf pencil. It was just a funnier image.

>>48973755
Oh I have more than just these here...

Earrings of Silence - Makes the wearer deaf and mute

Necklace of Mersong - You can speak to merfolk, but only while the wearer is entirely submerged in water.

Shield of Revelation - While in use, this shield will reveal to the user horribly cold facts that may cause an existential crisis.

Scratchy Towel - A fine towel that is exceptionally soft to touch but upon absorbing liquids, releases a fine series of tiny barbs that leave the user of this towel itchy for 1d6 days.

Wool Holiday Sweater - Made with nanas love, while she was on her death bed. While wearing it, you look simply ridiculous and may not remove this sweater for 1d12 hours.

Pillow of Napping - This large pillow emits a faint snoring sound while not in use. When in use the user must roll a d6; 1 - The pillow gently cradles your head, 2 - The pillow shares it's deepest fears with you and keeps up up for another hour, 3 - The pillow whispers sweet nothings into your ear, 4 - The pillow is always soft and cool as to provide maximum comfort and prevent over heating., 5 - The pillow tells you a bedtime story., 6 - The pillow traps you into a line of questioning that leads to an argument that lasts 1d4 hours before you both enter a restless, angry sleep.

Salve of Stiffness - When used, the state of your hair can not be altered from it's settled state until thoroughly washed for 10 minutes.

Magic-B-Gon - A shady gnome merchant took just three easy payments of 20 gold for a barrel of anti-magic solution. This solution only works as a means of disenchanting items created by said gnome, who appears to have left town shortly after your last payment was collected.

Candle of Candles - This candle can not be extinguished until it burns out. As it's wick burns the candle wax melts into a brand new candle with a fresh wick. This provide dim light, only enough for real use in a dark bedroom.

>>48976685
If it is i entirely guarantee you i came up with it in a vacuum free of such things.

>>48976670
Well, I'm not sure how your government rolls, but with ours we wouldn't notice the difference really.

>>48975459
>A dagger that takes on the qualities of the last thing that touched it. Whenever held it turns into a dagger made of skin and is useless
Hold it with a metal gauntlet.

>>48977398
It is now a +1 dagger.

>>48974562
Good for bets

>>48976045
you do know you shouldn't drink ocean water right?

>>48974578
holy shit dude thats awesome

>scrying glass of the eagle
It's a telescope

>Hag of Bolding

A small figurine of an old, grumpy looking woman holding a cane in the air in an intimidating manner. Whenever the user is under a fear effect, the figurine screams "GET YOUR ARSE IN THERE AND KILL 'EM YE RUDDY GOBSHITE" and the fear effect is nullified.

>>48977398
Turns to flesh when you start stabbing them.
Turns to blood if you actually manage to cut them.

If some of the dagger leaks into their veins then turns to other stuff later things could get messy.

>>48977728
Fucking beautiful

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>>48977598
>salt tastes bad

>>48977757
Are you legitimately retarded?

>>48977757
fish shit in there, you know...

>>48977757
Human kidneys can only make urine that is less salty than salt water. Therefore, to get rid of all the excess salt taken in by drinking seawater, you have to urinate more water than you drank. Eventually, you die of dehydration even as you become thirstier.

>Being this retarded

>>48977936
>I was just pretending to be retarded!

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>>48977948
>reading comprehension

>>48977991
>Nevermind I am retarded!

>>48977924
>having kidney's this weak

>>48978094
I wonder how much buying an extra set of kidneys costs..

>>48978116
In China they trade for latest iPhone (whatever that is, I don't follow the brand).

>>48976935
Cold Blanket - A blanket that never warms you up, retains heat and perpetually remains at room temperature.

Gauntlets of Elders - Gives the user arthritis and carpal tunnel.

Bracelet of Sass - While worn, the user makes smart assed remarks about any arbitrary observation that they make. This also pisses off any guards that the comments are directed towards.

Grieves of Thieves - Randomly steals a sock off of the users feet. This sock goes to the same dimension where all socks lost in the wash go to and is considered irretrievable.

Throwing Knives of Scorned Wives - Always crits when used to attack an adulterating spouse and/or their lover or mistress. x5 crit damage

Tome of Keeping - Magically records random facts about the surrounding environment, nothing useful beyond climate, time, season and current weather.

Endless Scroll - A magical scroll that, once written in, the writer can not stop writing until they fill up the entire portion of parchment required. Contains endless parchment.

>>48978116
In the U.S. on the black market? ~$262,000

The "helping"hand. A skeletal hand that has pass without trace and can ethereal jaunt at will. It searches for magical items when activated, and then filches them with an absurd stealth and sleight of hand, jaunts, and then rep pears on its owners possession.

It has both helped and hindered the party numerous times, as it's activation word requires a full minute of scrying, and the word changes every two minutes to a pre set list of 50 random every day words.

>>48978219
>Cold Blanket
I would kill for less than that.

>>48973755
>A ring of water breathing that only works if the ring is dry.
Easy, coat it in wax or some such water safe device

>Dry Bones - The femur, maxilla and tibia of an ancient mummy; these bones absorb and remove all moisture and liquids that come into contact with the bones.
Man, the shenanigans i could get into with that

>Unopenable Bottle of Jelly - Delicious strawberry preserves, this container can not be opened under any means.
I will bludgeon all my enemies to death with my indestructible jar

>Cursed Circlet of Cursing - Every sixth sentence out of the wearers mouth is a scalding, vulgar and brutal insult
So I become more polite?

>>48973755
The funny bone actually sounds like it's a pleasant item to have

This isn't a useless item, but people in these threads seem to be good at finding unintended uses for items, I could use some help making sure there aren't any major perks I missed with this substance:

Ebony
A slightly transparent black-purple crystal.
>Bright light damages the properties of ebony, and leaving it in sunlight can render it permanently inert
>Ebony acts as a source of darkness, draining the light from its surroundings. Its darkness can be overpowered by light stronger than its darkness, while weaker light will be extinguished
>Ebony produces great heat in contact with blood, capable of causing searing burns
>Looking at exposed ebony or being engulfed by its darkness makes you tired
>Sleeping near ebony causes a deep sleep and surreal dreams that feel many times longer than they really are. Someone surrounded by ebony may be incapable of waking up on their own
>Vampires are entirely immune to ebony's effects, however human blood on/in a vampire could be affected

Uses I've figured out already:
>Rub it on a bleeding enemy
>Leave it on the beds before a burglary
>Tip a sheathed blade with it for an extremely painful burning strike
>Burn wounds shut
>Give people tiny bleeding cuts and burn-torture them
Anything come to mind?

>>48978856
>Anything come to mind?
craft that shit into a dagger and stab some stupid fucks

>>48978900
Well it would have to be used very sparingly or in darkness as exposing it to light permanently weakens it, crystal also isn't the best weapon material but yeah it would be really effective and painful for a few stabs

>>48978932
I assume you would use it for night-stabbing

>>48978219

Sand of Storms - Spreading a handful of this sand from it's endless supply will create an area wide dust storm that lasts for 1d20 minutes. This is also accompanied by a frantic and hellish musical number.

Infamous Disguise Kit - While using this item, you disguise yourself as a somewhat popular C-list celebrity of personality who is recognized by face and voice, but nobody can remember the name of.

Three-headed coin - When flipped, this coin always lands on of three separate heads. The heads viewed changes every time the coin flips. This gold coin can not be spent and will not be accepted as tender by any merchant anywhere, under any circumstances.

Arrow of Error - Once fired, this arrow will only miss its target, regardless of range.

Cloak of Poke - While worn, you feel your shoulder being poked once every hour.

Hood of Hoodlums - While risen, all guards immediately commence chasing and beating the wearer to death. The wearer is immediately framed for a heinous crime and may not be absolved of these charges until some months after the investigation and trial end.

>>48979122
>Arrow of Error - Once fired, this arrow will only miss its target, regardless of range.
"that's X-Com, baby"

>>48979122
>from it's endless supply
What's wrong with consumables?

>This gold coin can not be spent and will not be accepted as tender by any merchant anywhere, under any circumstances.
To what end?
And why is it not intrinsically valuable for being a magic item? Let alone for being gold?
Buskers and conmen would be all over this.

>Cloak of Poke
Keep the night-watchmen awake.

>Hood of Hoodlums
wombo combo w/ Infamous Disguise Kit

>>48979149
Underrated.

>>48973755
How large is the rock? As any of my dwarfed characters would be trying to lug that thing around now matter how impractical.

>>48980636
According to geology a boulder is 25.6cm+ so i'd assume a rocks upper limit is 25.5cm and down.

>>48973755
>Dry Bones
You could chuck that into an enemy's water supply and easily fuck them up. Alternatively, throw it into the sea.

>Potion of Replenishing

Seconds after you drink this potion, the very last magical potion that you consumed reappears in its bottle.

>>48978116

If you're really lucky, you could be born with 1 or 2 extra sets of functional kidneys! (which sadly aren't that useful, since filtration still occours at the same rate.)

>>48981074
Does that remove the effects of the last potion?

disintegrating sword

when it disintegrates, hoo boy does it disintegrate

>>48981183
We need to get cat kidney level filtration going. Instant solution to water issues worldwide.

>>48981439
Like, just disintegrate? Cause that shouldn't be violent. If its violent you're using the wrong descriptor.

>>48975840
actually doesn't it only store your hair? So all your hair is lost in the astral sea

>>48981671
Well assume it stores basically everything it covers right? Best case scenario for your average non-full helm is everything but your face gets vented.

>>48974292
Retard who thought a shitty Facebook image is true detected

>>48981539
just wait when you use it...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X2ALG9iGPg

>>48973043
there are no useless magic items, there are only unimaginative players

>>48981996
>the invisible ring
It can't be felt, weighed, viewed under any circumstances, and is immune entirely to Detect spells of all kinds. Depending on how its feeling it might not even interact with the physical plane that day.

It was created by a wizard just to see if he could then immediately drove himself insane trying to prove to himself whether he succeeded or not.

>>48973043
A "Scroll" of Vicious Mockery"

Not actually a magic scroll, just a piece of paper with the words "You Cunt" written on it.

>>48982150
A player makes it there phylactery when they become a lich

>>48982501
How did they find it to make it a phylactery? How will they deal with its spontaneous existsnce ceasing then unceasing?

>>48975459
>Ring of Lead fall
brb making my barbarian super mario

>>48979122
>>Three-headed coin - When flipped, this coin always lands on of three separate heads. The heads viewed changes every time the coin flips. This gold coin can not be spent and will not be accepted as tender by any merchant anywhere, under any circumstances.
Why would you ever want to sell this anyway, you greatly increase your odds of getting bets right

>>48980325
Not being able to be spent or used as tender just means it's not currency, it's a good. It's like how you can't barter for a fridge in exchange for your computer.

It can still be sold.

I one got a haunted broom with a demon spirit who frequently tried to possess me to use it when it felt the location I was at was too dirty.

>>48978788
>>I will bludgeon all my enemies to death with my indestructible jar
Why not just use a hammer? It's unlikely you're gonna dent a solid slab of steel either, and it has more mass, therefore more force

>Haunted witch's broom
Upon it's death, the spirit of this witch clinged to her broom. Problem is, she was the laziest fuck around and wont let you ride nor even clean with it

>>48978932
How rare is it? It could make for some absolutely devastating projectile weapons

>>48982501
>HOLY FUCKIING SHIT WHERES MY RING OH GOD THIS WAS A MISTAKE I CAN'T FIND FUCK

>Ring of Attraction
If the wearer is a male, all women are sexually attracted to him but he becomes totally impotent.

If the wearer is a female, all men are sexually attracted to her but she becomes a lesbian.

>>48978856
>Put some ebony by your party's sleeping bags while you keep watch
>They'll have gotten the equivalent of 8 hours of sleep in one fifth of the time, as deep sleep is the most crucial for feeling rejuvenated
>get the benefits of polyphasic sleep without the odd sleep schedule it'd usually cause
Don't underestimate how huge this can be on the trail, it can significantly increase the amount of time you have to do... well just about everything

>use it to cook food and start campfires by coating it with the blood of some game you hunted, or in a pinch, your own

>sell it as a sleep aide for insomniacs
Capitalism, ho!

>>48980822
It's a bone. The rate of absorption is limited by the maximal flow of water which is determined by the surface area of the bone, which is fairly low. The bone will take ages to actually empty the sea. Think of it the opposite way: if you had a faucet of equivalent size, how long would it take to fill up the sea?

You'd cause devastation on a global scale, but you'd have to be patient as hell to actually see the fun

In my current campaign, my players pulled an enchanted wedding ring off a dead pirate. Turns out the enchantment lets the ring float on liquid like styrofoam. Thing is, it has no buoyancy beyond keeping itself afloat, so it doesn't work like a life preserver or anything.

Hasn't stopped them from trying to use it like that twice

>>48983051
>>48980822
I decided to actually look up what kind of ages it would take since I had a feeling it'd take at least hundreds of years, but turns off I was way off
It'd probably take millions with something as small as a bone within the ocean, and hundreds of thousands depending on the size of the sea:

https://what-if.xkcd.com/53/

>>48977757
>anime pictures of children
>shitposting

You're the kind of stand up character we need more of around here. I genuinely appreciate your zany antics buddy

>>48983073
This anon gets it

>>48980325
There is no shelter from the Darude .

>>48979122
Sheath of Keeping - Any weapon that fits within this sheath may not be drawn until the sheath is told that the weapon in question is a keeper.

Feather of Lesser Plumage - A feather that creates a sizeable crest of additional feathers. The feather quality is shoddy at best and fails to attract any potential mates of any species.

Grandmothers Greaves - Greaves that while worn make you move at half speed under normal circumstances and prevents all movement under any other conditions.

Permanent Thumb Tack - A thumb tack made from an immovable rod.

Amateurs Bugle - While using this bugle, the player is only capable of producing a few basic notes in a fashion that looks like they have no idea what the Hell they are doing.

Crying Orb - Operates like a scrying orb, except looking at it makes your eyes watery enough to begin shedding tears.

Lens of Prismatic Rays - A bit of jagged glass that condenses all light absorbed from one side to create a single beam of multicolored light from another side or a single condensed beam of light from a third side.

>>48978856
Crush it into a fine powder and find a way to get a vampire to ingest it for an easy kill/torture method.

Same dust sprinkled on a condom for the worst menstral sex ever

Sleep spell+Large amounts of ebony for easiest way to steal anything ever.

It's a bit overpowered when you get down to it. Those are just off the top of my head. If I had a DM using this in a game, I'd make up so many ways to abuse it within the first two sessions.

>>48977991
Wait did you zoom in further on the smug anime girl?

>>48983257
Amateurs Bugle would be pretty nice for a bard with a rival that uses a bugle. Switch it with theirs before a big event for maximum embarrassment.

>>48976415
>>48976432
Or one of those magic slates. The one where you write something and pull up the plastic covering and suddenly everything you wrote is gone. Did you know they were originally developed for ambassadors or something, so they could write a message to each other and then erase it immediately? Obsolete now, but a popular kids' toy 50 years ago.

Axe of Druidic Pacifism
Instantly blocked by any organic matter; e.g. it can cleave through someone's chainmail, but it will stop at the leather beneath.

Ring of Dragon Alarm
Alarms all nearby dragons to your presence in a way undetectable to you.

Whip of Masochism
+5 against the holder

Staff of attempted murder

Summons a single crow

>>48975113
Dramatic wind.

Harmonica of Invisibility
The player is invisible to anyone who hears the music
The invisibility stops working if the music stops, even for a second

>>48978932
>crystal also isn't the best weapon material
Steel is a crystalline material.

What you probably meant was that monocrystalline structures are poor weapon materials.

>Landsknecht Outfit of invisibility
Turns you invisible to most people, except for those that are colorblind or alternatively, turns you invisible to anyone without a sense of fashion. Anyone else can see your dumbass in those clashing colors

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>>48974387
>A pencil needs to be sharpened.
Have you never used a china marker? They actually carry these on warships in my country, because of that exact reason.

Pens can go dry and ink runs in water, but grease pencils last as long as they need to.

you can't see it in this pic but these typically have a piece of yarn you can pull to peel away the paper surrounding the grease pencil bit.

I also personally have an "automatic pencil", which is basically a mechanical pencil designed to take large leads.

>>48983903
>shittalking the most fabulous men to ever swing a greatsword
>>/out/

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>>48983615
A single crow is just a single crow. It has to be at least two of them.

>>48983999
>ATTEMPTED murder

it tries to get a group but only gets one.

Quill of Supreme Hidden Message

A quill that never runs out of ink, and any writing produced by it becomes invisible thirty seconds later.
There is no way to make the writing visible again.

>>48984029
But a pair is not a group.

>>48984268
You take your heap problem and stuff it, you filthy fucking philosopher.

>>48974387
>Oh my good the hassle! I have to empty my pen shapner into to vaccum cleaner occasionally!

>>48982971
Easy enough to find, just kill yourself.

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>>48983401
I zoomed out.

>>48976014
>Does 1d6 of Healing and 1d4 of Blunt Damage on contact
Dude, this wold be killer when fighting the undead,you got yourself a lickkiller right there, just give it to a well made fighter

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>>48983473
>tfw the 90s were 50 years ago

>>48984403
>I don't know how zero-g works
Besides, the real problem is that it cracks and fucks up the electronics

>>48976935
>errings of silence
close your eyes
boom now you can fight cthulhu without getting mindfucked
hear no evil see no evil

>>48976935
>Earrings of Silence - Makes the wearer deaf and mute
For the amount of tuning people out I do in a typical day, being able to turn that (and other distracting noises) off at a whim sounds pretty great.

>>48983257
Okay, Ill keep carrying this thread...

Fey Lipstick - This tube of lipstick, once applied, creates supple, full lips on the wearer, leaving a faint after taste of honey. The enchantment in this also causes the rest of the wearers form to slowly shift into that of a random feyfolk or feybeast.

Water Bucket - A bucket that is made entirely out of water. It can not carry or contain anything other than more water. This bucket can and will evaporate when exposed to extreme temperatures, freeze in cold climates or be used up by forcefully splashing it against something.

Anklet of Passing Wind - Emits the sound of a fart every time the wear takes three steps.

Commanding Rod - A rod that randomly cries out orders to be followed in a timely fashion, failure to comply will result in being barraged with annoying sounds and taking sonic damage. The commands are as follows: Bop It! Twist it! Flick it! Pull it! Shake it! Kill your family! Kill yourself! Sacrifice your lover at the alter!

Serving Dish of Fire - A dish that will out dance and dis you, it's performance is as burning as it's insults.

Whiskey Stone - A stone that produces whiskey while sucked on. CAUTION: DO NOT SWALLOW THE STONE!

>>48989904
Spoon of cooking - When held, make a DC 12 will save or be dominated to make a delicious meal out of materials currently available to you.

Amulet of delay - When wearing this amulet any sound that would result from a direct action of the character is delayed 1d4 rounds at random.

The Dog Whistle - This is a common whistle, except that when blown it makes no noise. However, 1d10 rounds later, a dog will be summoned (as per summon nature's ally 1). This dog does not obey the commands of the whistle blower, or anyone else, and if the whistle is blown again, if it is attacked or if anyone attempts to use a spell or skill on it, it runs away immediately. After 1d4 minutes, it will marks its territory (possibly on a PC or NPC, this is a ranged touch attack with a range of 5 feet and a +10 bonus to hit) and then disappears. If the dog is killed, its remains vanish within 1 round and it cannot be summoned again for a week.

Staff of Disintegration - Upon being activated, it disintegrates.

Enchanted Hat of Lyrical Bounty - When a magic user tries to cast a spell, pick a word at random, the caster has to come up with a little rhyme using the word to describe what the spell will do. If they complete it the spell get a little boost.. if they fail the spell loses something or doesn't behave right.
I. E. (Good)
Player: I cast Magic Missile using the magic hat.
DM: The magic word is shazam.
Player: These missiles hit you like a ram, I laugh, you cry, I win, shazam!!!
DM: Your missiles deal maximum damage.
(I.E. Bad)
Next Round:
Player: I cast Color Spray using the magic hat.
DM: The magic word is hue.
Player: I will ... uh... change your hairdo, and cut your bangs, like a stylist... named Hue?
DM: Your Color Spray creates an explosion of rainbow colored permanent dye, directly in your face.
Player: Yeah, I had that coming.

>>48982946
what's more impressive to those who don't know any better? That Glarfond the Mad killed an orc warchief with a hammer, or with a jar of perserves?

>>48973043
I always liked "Orb of slope detection". Quite powerful artifact, actually - withenough skill, even magically inept can use it and it never runs out of charges.

>>48975009
which way is left again?

>>48991457
North, ya git!

>>48982997
"I will be making out with this woman for 30 minutes in this tent. A gold to watch."

>>48991457
Savory

>>48975662
that's where the dagger that stabs people who ask awkward questions comes in.

Discouraging Codpiece - All members of the opposition sex within line of sight become infatuated with you, except for whichever is closest.

>>48976935
>a restless, angry sleep.
lost

>>48975463
No, Bob would just bust out in interpretative dance while shrieking.

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>>48983931
>No pencil control
>Just any jackoff can go out and buy an automatic pencil
>Thinking anyone needs to write 500 letters/sec
>murica

>>48983899
You know damn well what s/he meant, you autistic little shit.

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>48992665 (You)

>>48978219
>Cold blanket
So if it always remains at room temperature does that mean it's fire proof?

>>48983059
Ha! The guy didn't want to lose his ring if it dropped in the ocean. That's fucking genius.

>>48994443
The blanket is flammable and would be destroyed; once enough material is destroyed, the enchantment fails. Learn to magic.

>>48975113
The joke is Chrom is just continuously farting. That's how he manages to always have a billowing cape.

>>48973043
>acsedently
Anon, that is one of the most creative spellings of accidentally I have ever seen.

>>48995222
do you think it was on acsedent?

>jar of infinite mayonnaise

My buddy found a way to break it. mayonnaise jetpack

>>48995415
And why do you think mayonnaise is under pressure?

>>48995415
Anti curse ring, the ring cannot be cursed. And cures any curses cast on itself.

Wand of fire: The wand lights itself on fire and isn't fireproof. Worse, is made of wood.

Bell of chastity: The bell can only be weared by a virgin, and that's it.

A sword that bursts into flames whenever the owner has an erection. There is no range limit, they could be holding it or it could be in a chest in another plane of existence, when the owner gets a boner, it gets hot.

>>48995468
>And why do you think mayonnaise is under pressure
Because the DM said it was and that player was a mechanical engineer and did the math. To be fair, each jar can only lift 40 pounds a piece so we needed to shrink the pilot.

>>48995543
Or use two jars in the jetpack.

>>48995503
fuck yea mood lighting

>>48995503
Give that to a guy who has a fighting fetish and you have a literal murderboner.

>>48995503
>A sword that'd blade swaps with it's owner'd dick whenever the owner has an erection. There is no range limit, they could be holding it or it could be in a chest in another plane of existence, when the owner gets a boner, it swaps.

Wand of Location: Locates whatever the wand is pointed at.

Ring of Spider climb: Allows wearer to climb spiders.

Wand of summon skeleton: Summons the user's skeleton to fight for them.

>>48981074
IFIRC this was a thing the 3.5 artificer had as a class feature.

>>48995944
>80 pounds
For whom, the 12 year old girl in the party?

>Boots of Dry Feet
Originally intended as a prank, these water-proofed enchanted leather boots will magically place any water that comes in contact with any of it's surface on the wearer's head, puddles will vanish in a mere moment, and even the sweat off the wearer's feet will leave a disgusting coating of smelly moistness on their hair. Much more popular today as an execution device, as any level of water up to the waist will leave the wearer unable to take a breath for as long as the boots remain in his feet.

Magical orb that detects sloped passages and corridors. Just like a normal orb, but this one is magical. (Could be used as an improvised weapon or projectile against monsters immune to normal weapons).

Magical beard grooming kit. It's cursed, after trimming the beard, one side will always be shorter than the other.

>>49002685
What happens if i use it to shave to the skin?!

>>49002850

One side is cut even with the skin. The other is tugged out a little like a fancy electric razor.

You get half a five o'clock shadow as your hair grows back in.

>>48998899
>Wand of summon skeleton:
wombo combo with bone bow band.

>>48998831
I dislodged phlegm

>>49002685
I have that exact beard grooming kit. I wish I had a fancier trimmer that didn't require so many parts...

A few sessions ago my players were in the classic "Murder at a dinner party" scenario and were investigating the other patrons. They had a magic lens that functions as Detect Magic for only transmutation and illusion spells, and the only thing they saw was a faint sparkle under the hat of a terrible old woman.
So they took her hat, and found a hairband she was wearing underneath was the source of the magic. They stole that, too.
All of her hair fell out and dissolved when they did so. It's just a magical natural wig.
They lost it next session when the wizard went into the slums alone and got mugged.

>>48975459
brb, melting down the pewter and selling it

>>48975941
I assume that's because it tears a spacetime hole, and the thing between all planes is the astral, not ethereal.

>>49003789
Soooo if i just scrap the smooth skin on one side a bit and attempt to shave the 5'O off...then what?

>>48976014
>"The Don's Lance"
MY FUCKING SIDES

>>48978094
That's caused by the chemistry/physics behind the process, not kidneys. Read about osmosis you fuck.

>wand of chickenspeak
allows you to communicate with chickens. of course being simple-minded animals chickens rarely, if ever, have anything terribly interesting to say.

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>>49004790
>amulet of the sailor.

this silver-and-turquoise amulet can be used to summon a large by-the-wind-sailor that the summoner can command. the sailor can carry up to 300 lbs of weight including the summoner himself. by-the-wind-sailors require both a successful handle animal check and a successful profession (sailor) to navigate.

>>49004737
>not knowing a cats kidneys are stronger than ours at 1/20th the size
>not doing kidney exercises to max your potential
>not doing the same with your liver, heart, lungs, and brain
>being this stupid

>>49004668
>and the thing between all planes is the astral, not ethereal.
Depends on the edition.

In Whitebox you could reach the astral from anywhere, but in Basic you had to travel to the end of the ethereal first.
Does anyone know when "pocket space + pocket space = planar breach" first appeared?

>>49005035
>Does anyone know when "pocket space + pocket space = planar breach" first appeared?

Probably when one of Gygax's players tried to do that and he considered it broken/unfun.

See also: the fact the Cleric class only exists because he had a vampire PC that needed taken down a peg.

>>49004676
It's not a magic shaving kit that prevents you from shaving as intended.
It's a magic shaving kit that always leaves one side longer than the other.
If you intend to shave unevenly, then you successfully shave unevenly.

>>49004903
>sailing on man o' wars
we Spelljammer now

>>48975459
>put Ring of Rings on my pinky
>let it drop whenever i don't want to use it

>>49005147
>man o' wars
no, not man-o-wars, by-the-wind-sailors, it's a subtle difference, but an important one.

Also, since they can't go into space, this is not spelljammer either.

Box of holding.
Every time it's opened it leaps at the opener and latches onto them using its cover as a jaw. Not harmful, but annoying until pried off. Before you ask, no, it doesn't hold more than its dimensions allow.

"Please explain to the guard how my jewelry box bit you and what exactly were you doing in my home at this time of night."

>>49005106
No what i'm saying is get to the point of half 5'O and half smooth. Then shave the 5'O to smooth perfection then just sort of slide the razor along the previous smooth side like you're shaving hair thats not there.

>>49005265
>since they can't go into space, this is not spelljammer either.
Anything can be a spelljammer if a helm will fit.

Ay, speaking of which... idea:
Vampiric Lifejammer Helm - A budget lifejammer helm that can't propel anything exposed to light.

>>49005459
>if a helm will fit.
what helm?
well it's got no head so a magic helmet isn't going to work.
it only occupies a 10'x10' area and can only carry 300 lbs so size and weight restrictions will be an issue too.

>>49005498
>what helm? well it's got no head so a magic helmet isn't going to work.
... a spelljamming helm. It's a magic chair.
It's the size of a chair. It weighs as much as a chair. They drain spells from casters to propel space ships.

>>48976935
>Scratchy Towel

You, sir, are a monster to have conceived of such.

>>48976300
>Attach mace head to stick
>Hold club in one hand
>Swing both hands together at enemy

If you practice with it, you can pull off some pretty neat tricks.

>>48998831
Good for measuring distances, identifying portals, and possibly even discerning illusions.

>>48998899
>Summons the user's skeleton to fight for them.
Does this kill the user or do I just turn into a fleshbag for a few turns

>>49006413
>point it at illusory wall
"There it is!"
"Seriously, its like 2 feet in front of you."
>walk through wall
"No. You passed it."

>>49006430

It summons the skeleton without it ripping its way out, but then the user suffers from the debilitating and lethal effects of not having a skeleton.

>>48978856
paperweight
doorstop

>>49006481
>debilitating effects of not having a skeleton.
A lot of your motions would get fucked up, but you'd still be able to move somewhat.
You'd even be able to stand up, since supporting your weight is mostly muscle action.


>lethal effects of not having a skeleton.
Your muscles and nerves would fail after going a while without getting phosphate. Not sure how long that would take, maybe a few minutes?
Also you wouldn't be able to create blood. Which might be an issue, since your blood will pool in the bone-pockets.

>>49005664
>They drain spells from casters to propel space ships.
An interesting concept. May steal this, not for spelljammer mind you but for other magical constructs.

>Sword of Vexing

When swung at a corporeal creature the blade becomes incorporeal, when swung at an incorporeal creature, the blade remains corporeal. Should the sword be used to sunder an item, the blade shatters, only to reform moments later. Attempting to use the hilt as a weapon will cause the sword to slip out of the owner's hand, landing harmlessly at the wielder's feet.

>Blinking Sword
A sword under a permanent blink effect.
Can hit both material and ethereal enemies, and is kinda hard to see.
Every attack has a 50% chance of missing.

>>49007733
>swing twice as fast
Problem solved.

>>49006850
do you not know what muscles are attached to or what?

>>49009628
>do you not know what muscles are attached to or what?
he must! that's grade-school knowledge!

then again he thinks someone is capable of standing without bone structure, which I'm sure a few people with brittle-bone disease would like to have a word with you about that. brittle-bone disease is a condition where your bones are so fragile that they shatter at the slightest amount of pressure, it's as close as humans can get to being born without bones most are wheel-chair bound as trying to stand would result in them breaking every bone in their legs.

>Elfs Acid Arrow
An arrow that becomes slightly acidic, like a citrus fruit, when it comes into contact with an Elf.
>Troll's Blood Ring
A ring that contains small amounts of Troll blood.
>Amulet of Negativity
This amulet is made of a magnetic material with a negative charge.
>Kilt of the Northwind
A kilt that billows upwards when the wind blows North.
>Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker
When someone refers to Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker, they must refer to Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker by its full name, Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker. Otherwise
Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker is a perfectly average blade.

>>49001898
Airstrike Sorcerer loli best loli

>>49011692
>by its full name
I fucked up. It should be
>When someone refers to Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker, they must refer to Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker by Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker's full name, Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker. Otherwise
Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker is a perfectly average blade.

>>48983051
Seems like it'd be great for small applications. Maybe for protecting that ring that doesn't work when wet

>>49012726
>chip up bone
>rabbit glue the pieces onto the exterior of ring
>wear ring
>inside seal against skin keeps it safe
Done.

>>48990137
>Enchanted Hat of Lyrical Bounty
fucking incredible. I wish I'd had this to give to a player a few sessions ago. He was playing a gnome barbarian (the challenge was to play horribly un-optimized characters for the laughs) and the party was crawling through a sewer after some cultists. The gnome decided to stealth by swimming submerged through the knee-deep sewage and attacked an enemy while shouting "Swimming through the crappy soup, I smash your knees from out da poop!"
Dude got an inspiration from that. And Dysentery.

>>49005346
its not an electronic device its magic you cant fool it

>>48984738
Honestly it'd just be the same as a regular weapon with a damage enchantment. Not even a really good weapon at that.

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>>49011692

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>>49001898
>160 pound man wants to use the mayo jetpack
>straps 4 mayo jars to self
>by the time he gets a foot off the ground there's already an ankle deep pool of mayo beneath him
>pursuers are assaulted with an intense stream of mayo
Genius

>>48975013
Underated

>>48978301
Why so fucking much? And if they're so fucking much, why don't we see spates of murders for kidneys?

Welcome to Mighty-Eyes' BEHOLD Store!

>Scrying Specs
A pair of spectacles that allow the wearer to see through the eyes of the glasses' original owner, a powerful mage! He's been dead for 20 years. You see only darkness on a good day

>Vertigoggles
DON'T LOOK DOWN

>Disguise Glasses of Lord Groucho
You grow an enormous nose and mustache when you wear these glasses, but everyone can still tell it's you.

>Eye of Shrapnel
A glass eye that shatters violently when its owner squints.

>The Eye's Mind
Whoever looks into this magic eye will see everything that eye has seen, is seeing, and will ever see. Not recommended for children under 10.

>Magnifying Lens
Whatever the user focuses upon will seem more and more important the longer they look, consuming them with its mystique and intrigue.

>Spyglass
When you look into this spyglass, you see anyone who is looking at you, but you can only see them if they're not within eyeshot and they appear as from a great distance.

>Corrective Lenses/The Advisor
Enchanted object that will adjust themselves and speak out with helpful advice if you ever make an error or say something untrue. This activates regardless of whether the user wants it, and speaks loudly enough that anyone within earshot will know.

>Eyedrops
Eyes giving you pain? These will get rid of them.

>>49015541
>anon's never been to detroit