Things players never say.

>>48816491
This is too much fucking gold, let's just leave it.

>>48816491

Don't worry about payment sir, Doing Good is its own reward!

>>48816491

Hey GM, you look a bit burned out. How about I run something so you can play for a while?

>>48816491
Let's try reasoning with them.

>>48816491

Thank you.

>>48816491
"Let's think about this for a second"

Would it be okay if...

>>48816491

Let's run away.

I play a land and dab it for mana.

I listen at the door.

>>48816491
I'm a Barbarian but I don't want to rage.

>>48816491
A dungeon full of loot? Naw, sounds too dangerous. Let's just stay here and play cards.

>>48816491
"I tell the Elf to start whittling dice while I draw up some character sheets"

>>48816564
You have confused the prompt with "Things players always say."

>>48816491
Hey, I have this crazy plan but I want to run it by you to make sure you're cool with my character trying it and if it makes sense in universe.

Yes I would like to hear more about your homebrewed setting!

File: Sdfsdf.jpg (10KB, 265x215px) Image search: [Google]

10KB, 265x215px

Things from the BBEG's shopping list...

>>48816818
List of PC families' home addresses

>>48816491
"I surrender"

>>48816818
Wands of Dimension Door, exactly one more than the players expect.

>>48816818
An inscrutable power source.

The DM is right, like he always is.

>>48816854
actually i have surrendered once, though we only did it to get inside the evil lair while keeping a bag of holding with all our useful gear in it stashed inside our elf's ass

>>48816818
A cheap lock.

>>48816818
7000 more skeletons

File: Human_Magi__8_.jpg (243KB, 900x900px) Image search: [Google]

243KB, 900x900px

>>48816535
Too real, I wish just once....

>mfw

>>48816954
>stashed inside our elf's ass

yeah I'm going to need an explanation, doc.

>>48816818
Bread. Milk. Cinnamon. Virgins. Virgin olive oil. Extra virgins. Extra virgin olive oil. Chicken thighs. Sugar.

File: being forced to upgrade to windows 10.jpg (6KB, 227x157px) Image search: [Google]

6KB, 227x157px

>>48816535
>mfw I'm this player
>mfw his campaign stopped and we never played anything again

don't be a dick when unique opportunities arise

>>48817066
What's to explain? Elves are for raping.

>>48816818
A barrel to fill with gold and bribe the rogue with, a book to fill with Earth-shattering spells and bribe the wizard with, and a stable to fill with exquisite whores and bribe the bard with.

>>48817096
I just want to know how you managed to get a bag of holding into the ass of an elf, that's all.

"How do I walk"

>>48817113
Well an elf bard has the capacity for it as a general rule, and he certainly appreciated the convenience.

>>48816550

>>48816491
I take 10.

>>48817088
I don't understand. Was he affronted by someone else wanting to GM?

>>48816491
>The barkeeper is kicking me out for being a troublemaker? Eh, that's fair.

>>48817263

Really? Used it pretty often back in the days.

Anyway:

>>48816491

"Before acting, let's think of the villagers for a sec..."

>>48816818
a scroll of timestop

>>48816491
Thanks for all your hard work.

>>48817301
he was GMing and looked dead tired and his campaign's quality had gone down for a while, so I offered him to rest and the group to play something that I would run

we hung out at the GMs house, because it was the only place available for us

and after that, every time i'd try to get in touch with him to set up a date so we could all play, he'd say something along the lines of "nah i don't feel like playing today" and this went on for a month until we stopped hanging as a whole

>>48816818
Glitter. Glue. Pipe cleaners. Sequins. Rhinestones. Costume jewellery. Enchanting supplies.
-Remember, get fake phylactery into vault on illuminated plinth. Must have fake death spells ready for adventurers.

-note to self: if poss. prepare copy of spell book filled with explosive runes. Scry library, record & upload 2 MageHub

>>48817066
oh right sorry, here's the story
>come up with the plan when the dm in no uncertain terms tells us that the fortress is impregnable, through various story and plot devices
>the DM exists partially in the magical realm, so he let us all roll dex and con checks to see who's ass is taking the bag
>elf rogue wins the day
>what this means is that not only does his ass fit the bag with all our gear in it, it means he can manipulate his anus at will, and does so to hide the bag deep up there
>we hire a local merc to clap us in chains and take us to the fortress, bbeg has a cutscene and talks about the various evil plans etc
>we're all put in seperate rooms, because we're all different races and the DM was being creative
>that night elf takes the bag of holding out and uses the lockpicks stashed in there to open the door, then finds us all and jailbreaks us.
>with our armor and weapons equipped we sneak into the villain's room and smother him with a pillow, then jump out of the window into the ocean and swim to land
turns out he wasn't the final boss, but he was the main villain, he was an old dude and died easy to the pillow, his son was an actual warrior and could fight.

>>48816491
>"Hey, the last 10 npc's we've asked have all said we shouldn't try to fight [insert monster/person]. Maybe we should listen to them."
>"That guy underpaid us, but perhaps we shouldn't seek immediate and bloody revenge."
>"This npc is a bit of a dick but otherwise non-threatening... maybe we should just ignore it instead of beating him to death in front of his crying children and then gloating over his corpse."
>"Wow, I'm really glad we took the time to sit down and hash out an effective plan instead of using the first shitty plan that popped into our heads."
>"The GM clearly put a lot of work into the story for this session. Maybe we should politely follow the hints he's dropping instead of deliberately derailing all his hard work because we're a bunch of fucking twats."
>"We are working for an npc who is more powerful than us and is generally accommodating of our eccentric ways and methods as long as we get results. Perhaps we shouldn't attempt to murder them and usurp all their holdings on session 3."

File: 1445590671973.png (28KB, 186x208px) Image search: [Google]

28KB, 186x208px

>>48817384
>dex
wouldn't you need str to measure how strong the anal cavity would be through the constant pain of having a non-phallic object shoved through the anal cavity?

>>48816491

>"Woah dude, she might be a bar wench but that's not cool."

>"I guess my pc will do his laundry. I mean, it's not like I use the same underwear for a fucking week, even out there in the boonies."

>"I agree with [insert autorithy figure]. He seems reasonably down to earth.
[to be fair this depends on the game, but jesus, murderhobos have a hard time doing that]

>>48817506
well since its a bag of holding they could make it dick shaped?

>>48816520
>Doing Good is its own reward!

You say this, but my Rogue Trader does this legitimately...in exchange for a small favor later on down the line, of course.

It's how we got a Space Marine chapter to be strong allies of our dynasty, as well as providing them with food and resources in exchange for having the backing of a Space Marine chapter.

>>48816535
>Hey GM, you look a bit burned out. How about I run something so you can play for a while?

I've offered to run games for my GM just about every time he's complained about burnout, and until now he refused, saying he didn't think I would go through with it. Now he's accepted, and I soon shall become the master.

>>48816758
If only. All I hear is "this should happen" or "this will happen."

What weirds me out is how many people evidently know what a good player is like, and it's still impossible to find any.

>>48816854
I get this all the time, although I make sure to let players know ahead of time that both surrender and escape are likely outcomes of lopsided fights. I don't fault the players for refusing to surrender if they assume the enemy fights like computer NPCs, and if they assume surrender will simply mean their execution.

>>48817765
I think I've done more good deeds as a rogue trader than in any other game, although that might be because my rogue trader has more to motivate him than cold, hard greed.

"My arch nemesis is being attacked by warp-spawned hellbeasts? We must aid him at once! Forget about the treasure, change course immediately!"

"You're welcome for the save, arch-nemesis. Your eternal gratitude? That's not going to be a very long eternity. Men, gun him down. Now, where's that treasure?"

>>48817506
well, it was a cloth bag. granted it did have some spacial fuckery but it was essentially just a bag made of satin.

>>48817591
that last one is why i like playing lawful characters, you literally just have to apply the law to a situation before making a decision, but laws themselves are malleable if you have friends in high places.

File: hqdefault.jpg (12KB, 480x360px) Image search: [Google]

12KB, 480x360px

Things you can say your intelligent sword, but not to your girlfriend.

>>48818145
i like you best covered in blood

>>48818175
????
What are period fetishes?

>>48818145
"It's been a while since I oiled you up."

>>48818145

"I like you when you're drenched in blood, baby."

>>48818145
"I trust you"

>>48818145

"I just love showing you naked to everyone."

>>48818145
"I love you."

>>48818145
"I love it when you penetrate other men."

>>48818204
10/10

File: feelhug.png (49KB, 1111x1024px) Image search: [Google]

49KB, 1111x1024px

>>48818204
who hurt you anon

>>48818145
I'm glad you're here by my side.

File: hqdefault.jpg (14KB, 480x360px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 480x360px

Unacceptable World of Darkness character concepts.

>>48818245
Its a Conan the Barbarian reference you plebian.

File: feels melancholyman.jpg (30KB, 596x465px) Image search: [Google]

30KB, 596x465px

>>48818204
>"I trust you"

>>48818282
A mentally stable, generally decent fellow.

>>48817774
So you could say that
You Are Your Own Master Now?

>>48818282
Adults

>>48818282
A happy, well-adjusted, normal guy with good luck.

File: 1440628499421.jpg (14KB, 430x320px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 430x320px

>>48818282
I get the reference anon, but you can't fault people for just reading that as sad.

>>48818145
I hope you won't mind me selling you, but your replacement is just sharper and better looking.

>>48818282
An ashtray.

>>48818282
a sentient loaf of bread

>>48817101
What do you bribe the paladin with?

>>48818282
Chipsmalk.

>>48818397
whores dressed as nuns

>>48818282

A Malkavian portaryed respectfully to actual mentally sick people

>>48818282
A Christian.

>>48817361
you monster

>>48818480

>what is the Lancea Sanctum

>>48818282
A large man with receding hair and glasses, who hosts a comedy improve show.
I'm thinking.. Crew Darey

>>48816818

Apple cider.

>>48818515
>the Lancea Sanctum are Christians

You've never read the book and you're retarded. Christ is for humans. Longinus is for vampires. It's less Christian than Islam is.

>>48818145
You've always got my back.

>>48818282
None, that game exists if you want to play a Weirdsomobile and nothing else.

>>48817995
I'm quite careful to make NPCs react reasonably, and my players know that too. They quite often flee from fights or otherwise take hostages and attempt diplomacy, they just seem to have an extreme aversion to being helpless.

Now I think back, they have surrendered exactly once: In Dark Heresy, they were reporting to a superior when an Inquisitor they believe they'd killed turned back up and confronted them about his 'murder'.
I guess being unarmed acolytes within the bowels of fortress-prison guarded by space marines is bad enough odds even for them.

>>48818579

Dude, seriously. Longinus (and all of the kindred population) is there because literally Christ decided to test the faithful.

Vampires are a cog in God's plan and while they're supposed to be monsters, they adhere to a slightly inuhuman but still ethical code of conduct.

Possibly because they do that EXACTLY for "christian" reason:

If one of the Damned truly seeks to enter the Kindgom of
Heaven, then to get there, she must walk the path set for her by
God. She must play the part of the vampire, one of the Damned,
an undead predator of the human race.

Page 53 of the actual book, anon.

>>48818788
Yes, and that one line contradicts everything else that's ever been written about it, I knew you were going to quote this. That same page suggests this as ONE of the possible theological interpretations of the faith.

File: 3f982f50afdec5acaba04754ac22be24.png (587KB, 600x600px) Image search: [Google]

587KB, 600x600px

Things from the Bard's bucket-list...

>>48816713
>witcher

File: I wanna die.jpg (124KB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

124KB, 1280x720px

>>48818204

>>48818965
Buckets

>>48818965
Fuck the bucket.

>>48818965
Figure out how babies are made. I'm in too deep now, I can't just ask.

>>48818965
>All of the above, at once

>>48818965
Bucket elemental.

>>48818965
learn how to bang the drum as well as he bangs ur mum

>>48818965
find all of my illegitimate children and get them laid so i know my seed is strong

>>48817357
Sounds like he made have been having much more serious issues than his GM responsibilities, or he may have been depressed. Either way, unless you were really close it didn't matter what you did or said.

>>48818965
The bucket again.

>>48818965
Blondes. Redheads. Dryders.

>>48818965
Go out in glory so great that you inspire future bards.

>>48818965
Remove my curse
Fuck the elf
Fuck the dragonborn
Possibly fuck the paladin

>>48818204
Right in the feelerinos

>>48819094
I first read that as "Dryers"
Well I'm sure some warforged will fit

>>48818965
Kiss a girl.
Hold hands

>>48818965
Playing for Val Hallen, viking god of rock.

>>48818965
"See if the dragon is actually my son from another universe/timeline."
"If not, go to said universe/timeline and make it so"
"Find out if the paladin is my daughter in another universe/timeline"
"Fuck the castle wall to dust"

>>48816731
Hey, no Recursion!

>>48818944

Anon, you do realise that they confess their sins like the catholics do, right? That the monachal creed says literally "I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, who was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary to redeem Man from Sin through his death and resurrectiom [...] I believe that for my sins I am damned to Hell and yet through damnation I may find my purpose in God’s Holy Plan."? That in the Testament of Longinus he fucking talks about salvation ("But I did not know that this was not the blasphemy that I was ordained to
do, and I lived content in my bloodshed and my sin.
7
The time was not yet
right for the Son of the Damned to be revealed in all his glory, nor was it
right that I should yet lead the Damned to true salvation")?

Don't be that stupid, you'll only feel bad.

>>48819356
>I cast Shahrazad

>>48819356
"DM, I'd like to roll my dice-rolling skill."
"Yeah, while he's doing that, I'd like to roll for Thrognor the Magnificient's ordering pizza skill."
"And I want to use my character's character's feat for awkwardly hitting on the female character who's being played by a male character who's being played by a female player."

>>48819451
>what is the Iblic Creed

Neverminding that they don't believe they personally can be redeemed and instead most of the writeups describe their ultimate rewards as vampires as 'obtaining a kingship in hell', if you don't understand that believing certain Christian versions of events doesn't automatically make you a Christian then there's no hope for you. You're a fucking idiot.

>>48818965
Get married and commit to a single partner

>>48818965
>fuck everything that has some level of human inteligence.

File: hqdefault.jpg (13KB, 480x360px) Image search: [Google]

13KB, 480x360px

Titles to Goblin bedtime stories...

>>48819734
"Clifford, the big red squig"

>>48819734
The Goblin who cried Elf

File: sphere-2.gif (899KB, 500x350px) Image search: [Google]

899KB, 500x350px

>>48819734
The Goblin King and his dancing spheres

File: Image.ashx.jpg (34KB, 223x310px) Image search: [Google]

34KB, 223x310px

>>48819734
"Squee, the Goblin who wouldn't go away"

>>48819734
>The little engine that exploded

>>48819507

The Iblic creed is actually something that explains it even better. Muslims do worship Jesus as a prophet: the iblic creed does worship only Longinus as the prophet (well, at least the prophet for vampires: it's not like they consider the actual Bible false, quite the contrary, I suppose Iblics do the same thing with the Quran).

>Neverminding that they don't believe they personally can be redeemed

The point was if they worshipped Jesus as the son of God. They do, so they're christians.

Anyway, the Monachus does say he believes in a possible salvation, and there is the point about the Woman in Red (which is a vampire) in Longinus's vision, something that is yet to be revealed.
If you don't like what I quoted, words by Longinus himself.

At the very most you can diss the salvation possibility, but they're christians that worship Jesus altogether. Basically they view themselves as in hell already: they can't redeem themselves because they're already dead and will not have a second judgment, but while God does not grant them paradise if they serve him they can have... well, not a decent unlife, maybe, but they'll not be lost to the Beast forever. Freed, at least for some time, from their urges.
>it's a surprinsingly buddhist-sounding concept actually

Read the books, anon. You'll feel less butthurt to have an educated opinion.

>>48818282
A ventrue who uses his power to help other vampires adjust to undeath out of the goodness of his heart.

>>48819734
One Gob two Gob red Gob blue Gob

>>48819734
Jace and Jill went up a hill
To play the blue spell wonder
Then Krenko called, the stack resolved
And Goblin Barrage tore the anus asunder.

>>48819734
Goblinism is for Everybody

File: Goblin Snowman.jpg (34KB, 223x310px) Image search: [Google]

34KB, 223x310px

>>48819734
Fighty the Snowman

>>48816555
Oh, shit no. They say that all the time. Then one of two things happen:

1)They don't actually think about it.
2) They overthink it, and wind up in more trouble than if they had just rushed in.

>>48820202
Oooooohhh, I could use that for my krenko deck.

>>48818965
Fuck every race of woman at least once

>>48819734

"Where the Civilized Things Are"
"The Very Hungry Balrog"
"Shelob's Web"
"Curious Worg"
"Chopping Down the Giving Tree and Feeding the Furnaces of Orthanc"

File: fatman.gif (44KB, 267x200px) Image search: [Google]

44KB, 267x200px

Books in the Wizard's library.

>>48820609
The Mating Rituals of Dragons,Giants and Other Mystical Beasts

>>48820609

"Harry Potter and the Cursed Child."

Because it's fucking everywhere for some reason.

File: 1428529339380.jpg (24KB, 300x300px) Image search: [Google]

24KB, 300x300px

>>48817972
I know roughly what a unicorn looks like but that doesn't mean I can find one.

File: 1428626580297.png (926KB, 640x718px) Image search: [Google]

926KB, 640x718px

>>48816516
>>48816520
>>48816535
>>48816547
>>48816550
>>48816555
>>48816662
>>48816801
Each and every one of these are things my players have said, or said in paraphrase.

Feelsgoodman.

>>48820609
NecRomance

>>48816491
>So, I found this thing in the book that is clearly broken as all hell, but I'm not gonna use it because it would make the game way less fun if I did.

>>48820923
Admittedly, I've never said this. However, if I find something really crazy like that and think I can use it responsibly, I will ask the DM/GM for permission to use it.

>>48818397
You don't need to. You just need to lock up a large number of maidens and give them aphrodisiacs and fertility supplements. The paladin will be too busy supporting the children and young mothers that he can't bother you anymore.

>>48820923

>"Hey GM, I'm NOT going to do this thing!"

Literally who the fuck *would* do this? What's the point of informing someone of a thing you are conscientiously not doing?

>>48820609

>"The Mysterious Life of Commoners: Expeditions into the Wilde World of the Average Man."

>"A Guide to Crystals and other Magical Minerals."

>"Every Thug Needs A Lady."

>"The History of the World and the Planes That Intersect It."

>"Woman: Blessing? Or Burden?"

>"Identifying Virgins for Sacrifice: A Field Guide for Stealth Observation."

>"Wizard Academy: Class of 1384AD Yearbook"

>"Witches Gone Wild: Holiday Edition"

>"Male Pattern Baldness: Cures and Conditions"

>"How to Make Friends and Influence People."

>"A Categorial Analysis of Draconian Influence in Mortal Societies (With a new forward and introduction by Thalunvar the Dreaded, Red Dragon, Professor of Magical Studies and Classical Literature at Arcane Tech University)"

>"Elven Menace: The Elf and the Destruction of Human Society"

>"Goblins Aren't People, And Why That's A Good Thing"

>"Orcs: The Comprehensive History"

>"An Illustrated Guide to Eldritch Abominations and Unknowable Horrors"

>"War Orphan: My Life as a Half-Orc and My Road to Success"

>"Our Photo Memories: Pit of Horrors, 1423AD"

>"How to Tie Your Shoes (Without Spells!)"

>"Rangovar's Cookbook: Dwarven Cooking for Hearth and Home"

>"The Names of Demons"

>"The Book of the Dammed: Modern Marvels in Aquatic Engineering"

>>48816491

"Quit killing everything! Let's just talk and see if we can get by without murder for once!"

>>48818306
>>48817774
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9minv0O8rlI

>>48816706
A barb in our group didn't want to rage, mostly because his Raging involved being consumed by an extraplanar evil for a little bit. Feelsmadman.

File: screen_image_285144.jpg (226KB, 1024x768px) Image search: [Google]

226KB, 1024x768px

Words to quell the angry mob...

>>48822825
"We'll give you the bard."

>>48822825
"Now, many of you may die, but that is a risk I am willing to take."

>>48822825
"Mass Hold Person."

>>48822825
"I cast Cloudkill."

File: so it is.jpg (106KB, 330x627px) Image search: [Google]

106KB, 330x627px

>>48822825

Standing on the edge of the underworld
Looking at the abyss
and I'm hoping for some miracle
To breakout, to escape from all this
Whispers in the air tell the tales
of a life that's gone
Desolation, devastation
What a mess we made, when it all went wrong

>>48822825
I'll stop pronouncing it "malk"

>>48816491
Great railroad, man. I loved you 1000 page setting pdf

File: hqdefault.jpg (16KB, 480x360px) Image search: [Google]

16KB, 480x360px

Daydreams of the Paladin...

>>48823126
> Being able to slap the shit out of the rogue for constantly being a dick, instead of having to provide an example and lead him to a better path.

Or we can go darker

> Being able to heal people's hearts and souls as easily as he can their bodies with lay on hands.

Or abstract

> Mostly about the Bards ass. The vows only hold him to acting chaste and denying his impure urges, not suppressing the desire for them.

>>48823126
>One day I too wish to be as grossly incandescent as the Pyromancer.

>>48823126
>a lover who just wants to hold hands and cuddle

>>48816706
I'm in a party with a barbarian who has gone 4 levels without raging. I actually forgot what her class was for a couple months.

>>48819475
>"Yeah, while he's doing that, I'd like to roll for Thrognor the Magnificient's ordering pizza skill."
*roll a 1*
>You order a pizza with no cheese extra olives

File: 1457714260140.jpg (39KB, 375x375px) Image search: [Google]

39KB, 375x375px

>>48816491
>This guy looks tough. Let's book it!

>>48823126
Beautiful ladyknight waifus to go crusading with.

File: a_world_without_shitters.png (217KB, 553x540px) Image search: [Google]

217KB, 553x540px

>>48816678
>dabbing every time you tap a land
>theabsolutemanaman.gif

>>48816491
>Playing the minmaxed duel wielder was kinda boring, let's roll up a utility face next campaign

>>48816818
>one katana proof trench coat
>three sets of sunglasses

>>48818145
I'm glad you weren't a trap

>>48818965
Write a poem about buckets
use it to get laid

>>48820609
>The Wizard's tower
Contains one wizard's tower

>>48818183
I dunno, but you seem to have an interrogation mark fetish.

>>48823395
>katana-proof anything
>laughing-nihonjin.png

>>48823331
>not liking olives on your pizza

>>48816870
>Implying Kang is the BBEG
Why?

>>48823126
>If I hit the bard in the jaw as hard as possible, will he shut the fuck up?

>>48817972
Knowing what a good player is like is pretty easy, take the qualities of a bad player and reverse them.
And bad players are plenty.

>>48816818
Areva, Finamecca, Maerks, Gasprom

>>48823126
Killing the chaotic neutral pirate

>>48823126
>If I became the King, could I maintain my oath by making the laws not apply to me?

>>48823126
That is one sexy angel.

Dice+1d100

>>48816491
I'm tired of conflict, let's just find somewhere to build a house and RP domestic life.

>>48816516
I've said this. It was a haunted cave and my character didn't feel good about taking it.

It was also literally wagons worth of gold at level 1, we didn't have the means to transport it and we were ambushed three times by various bandits during our (admittedly long) hike to another town.

So yeah, score one for kinda controlling team mom dwarf wizard. (it wasn't as if the other two PCs were shouting for us to take the gold to begin with anyway.)

>>48819791
>not "The Goblin king's magnificent set of balls"

>>48820634
well i'd assume that reason would be that it sells really well.
also that leads to an interesting idea that every wizard on earth unanimously models themselves on dumbledore yet none of them acknowledge it to each other because they all stole the books from alternate universes.

>>48823848
i could imagine a bbeg based on an edgy high schooler weeb.
>katana-proof trenchcoat which is highly impractical as it billows open at cinematically opportune moments.
>a gun with a single instant kill bullet to use only at the opportune moment, realising a weapon that powerful would be better off with more bullet but not caring for it
>a katana that allows for teleportation ('nuff said)
>a secret lair which is an exact replica of a japanese dojo in the middle of a fantasy forest.
>screams his attacks out loud just before casting them
>slips up and calls his archrivals stuff like chad and stacy when their names are really brogzor and ellianesa
>does the naruto run, grants plus ten speed
>fedora of +10 euphoria
goodness it has potential

>>48816491
You did a good job today GM, I had a lot of fun. We really appreciate you taking the time to do this.

>>48824442
One of my player said it to me

>>48824439
>a secret lair which is an exact replica of a japanese dojo in the middle of a fantasy forest.

Not weeb enough.

>It looks like a normal Shed/hut in a random forest.
>Opens into a perpetually spring forest of Sakura trees and bamboo that couldn't possibly fit on the inside of the shed.
>in the center of this demiplane is a japanese dojo with the classic garden with surrounding it.

And the icing on the cake

>Always sunset

>>48824559
ooh that's good.
>his minions are all magical girls in short skirts
>his evil plan is to turn everyone into a loli for his own pleasure
>enlists the aid of a demon to accomplish this, but has it take the form of a 12 year old anime girl, which the demon hates but it needs to fill it's quota of souls so he just lets the nerd salivate while trying to get him to pay attention.

I could make a campaign out of this

>>48818101
"The law doesn't suit me. Instead of respecting it's there for a reason, I'll just have the law changed." -A character who is absolutely not lawful

Put simply: if you're willing to change the law to suit your needs, you don't really believe in it.

>>48816491
Thank you, GM.

>>48820686
>>48824045
Yeah, but you'd think you guys would make decent players.

Of course, I realize you're all control freaks, text/voice/RL game supremacists or have some other form of retardation in place of the more common player afflictions.

>>48824642
"This law is unjust and evil. I need to work within the system and have it changed in an orderly fashion."
- A character who is Good and Lawful.

A paladin will fight a tyrant, no matter what the tyrant's laws say. Lawful doesn't literally mean that you follow the laws of the land, it means that you believe in order and consistency.

>>48824642
it's less that i believe in the law more that I respect it so that i can do what i like within it's confines. if a character is respecting the law at all times does that not make him lawful?

>>48824747
Pretty sure that's precisely his point. It's not acting consistently if you claim follow the rules but then have the said rules altered to suit your desires.

>>48824761
but would a lawful evil character not do that? i'm not sure there's much room for evil if you start with our current laws, which is why they would have them changed then use these new laws to commit evil.

>>48824780
See above. It's not the laws of the land that matter for a Lawful character, it's their own code. For that matter, there's plenty of room for evil within the current laws - look closely at any big corporation and you'll find plenty of examples.

>>48816516
Not only have we done this, even we've refused payment in gold, for this very reason.

Although my favorite, with no character in the party having ever met a dwarf before, encounter one in some surface homlet, offering to give us a bunch of gold for a job:
>Could you do that in gems? We're kinda traveling a bit cash heavy at the moment.
>[Offended sarcasm] Oh, sure! Just let me go back into me house, and dig some gems up from me dwarven mine.
>[Party, looks among themselves nodding] Okay, we'll wait.

>>48816555
I wish they'd say this a lot less often, desu...

>>48816547
This too... "THEY'RE FUCKING ZOMBIES!"

File: smugblockmachine.png (26KB, 297x196px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 297x196px

>>48816854
I surrendered once, in a Star Wars campaign.

Then I shot the boarding party and took the droid filled cruiser basically solo with a little help from my friends.

>>48818480
I can't remember the last time we played WoD without at least one fanatical die-hard Christian character in the party...

...Particularly entertaining when it's Mage, and the Storyteller is an Atheist, bent on breaking him.

>>48824439
>>48824559
>>48824583

Finally have something to put in the forest of my Dark Heresy campaign. Gonna take place on a feudal world, it's gonna be awesome.

>>48816854
I surrendered once. The party got enslaved and forced to fight in a Dark Elf gladiator arena. On the one hand, slavery - on the other, my paladin met his first wife there, which was pretty cool.

>captcha: de la VIRGEN
>captcha pls no bully

>>48824748
No. "Friends in high places" implies corruption. If you're willing to change the law to suit your needs, you don't respect what it represents - a system created to assure order, predicated upon constants and predictability.

>>48824747
But that's not what he said. He said following the law is easy if you have friends in high places that can change the law (i.e. corruption, i.e. the opposite of what you're describing).

>>48823126
>Aww man, that is some sweet armor.
>One of these days I'm going to kill a dragon, and buy TOP SHELF armor.
>I'm thinking mythril.
>NO!
>Adamantine full plate.
>With a flying enchant.
>That's gonna be so sweet dude.

>>48823126
One magical day, I'll finally kill that fuckin rogue... :)

>>48823126
One day, evil and corruption shall be banished from this land!

...Wait... Then I'll have nothing to do...

>Checks Bard's bucket list...

>>48824909
ooh sweet, the general citizenry of humanity are easily corrupted enough. i'd recommend the daemon be slaaneshi for obvious reasons.

>>48824941
just because a law is placed for foul reasons doesn't make it less of a law. a law is a law. just because you happened to have implemented those laws doesn't make them less of a law.

>>48816491
> I know it's rules as written but it's still bullshit, It totally giving my character an unfair and unrealistic advantage!

>>48825062
As has already been stated multiple times, lawful DOES NOT imply following the laws of the land.

>>48825086
>A lawful evil character sees a well-ordered system as being easier to exploit and shows a combination of desirable and undesirable traits.[8] Examples of this alignment include tyrants, devils, and undiscriminating mercenary types who have a strict code of conduct.
a tyrant being someone who makes laws. by your definition a king can never be lawful because he makes the laws.

>>48825070
I don't think I'd say that out loud, but I WAS going to skip psychic reformation on my character for being too cheesy. Then I saw what the others were doing with their characters and stopped worrying about cheese completely.

>>48825105
Congratulations on missing the point by a fucking mile. Code of conduct matters. Adherence to the local laws does not. An evil tyrant who has some lines he won't cross - no killing someone unfairly and without warning, for example - has a code of conduct and can therefore be lawful. On the other hand, if his "code of conduct" is simply "break no laws" when he can rewrite those laws at will, that is NOT lawful behaviour.

>>48825105
Not same poster, but it depends on why and how you make the law. If you create consistent laws because you believe a structured system with predictability is ideal for running your country, you might still be lawful. But if you change the law every day to suit your capricious mood, you're certainly not.

>>48825154
well obviously. you just create a system that works for you and keeps the country prosperous. it just happens to work in your favour more than the majority of people's.

>>48825112
God I made so many suboptimal characters simply because I felt it was 'power gaming' not to.

In hindsight I should just spoke up about it more, because the other players seem to considered to 'game balance' as code speak 'for let me do what I want'

>>48824280
There was a story of some players who did that and generally were super-cowardly

>>48825167
If you actually intend to create a system for prosperity, you're probably lawful good or lawful neutral. As long as you don't change the law whenever it's convenient. Like if a paladin who pretends to be lawful asks you to as a favor.

>>48816491
Lets cut our losses.

"Hey guys, the DM is trying to set the scene. Let's all put away our phones and listen to him. You can catch that Pokethingy later."

>>48825510
desu no matter who's ear you have and who you can convince to bend the law for you i'd say changing it every five minutes would eventually piss both the lawmakers and the people off.

File: whose-line-is-it-anyway-american.jpg (25KB, 250x188px) Image search: [Google]

25KB, 250x188px

Signs in front of a dragon lair

>>48825070
I used to say that to my GM before I stopped playing D&D.

>>48825727
Out for Lunch

>>48825727
Spelunking gear and a barrel of wine recommended

>>48825727
Beware of dog

>>48825727
"Welcome to my Magical Realm"

>>48825727
food wanted: apply within

>>48816491
I managed to read these very specific and complex rules for my class so to save you the time in looking up the rules. I know you got much to keep track off, so I thought I might spare you the need to look up all the shit that needs to be known about my class.

>>48825727
Seeking maidens, apply within.

>>48825727
Yard Sale: Make a right at the second intersection, then go all the way to the end.

>>48825727
It's free real estate.

File: 4bae0380cf38b175ad7e88b260d41128409d19a9bf9ac3130b232dba9703ea09_large.jpg (13KB, 360x269px) Image search: [Google]

13KB, 360x269px

>>48817774
Well, good luck.

File: scenes from a hat.jpg (14KB, 480x360px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 480x360px

Rejected motive rants for the campaign's BBEG

>>48826005
"My mother didn't hug me enough!!"

>>48826005
"When I was just a wee lad, I was bullied every day. No, the bullying was fine, I'm okay with it. But you know what the bullies did? THEY DID THE WET WILLIE WRONG! NOW I'LL SHOW THEM, I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! THE ULTIMATE WET WILLIE TO END ALL WET WILLIES!"

>>48826005
"She was killed that day, and you didn't see any of those bastards cry. No, you could see their merciless pale faces and pathetic shuffling in their oversized shoes. But that all ends now. Now, I take my revenge on the Chicago Clown Mob, and all of you foolish flunkies with it!"

>>48824473
Did you punch him for being a faggot?

>>48816547
on the contrary my players continually and ONLY try to use diplomacy.

>>48818204
a-anon...

>>48822892
spit my coffee out everywhere
10/10 thanks for the laugh

>>48826005

"Ghostbusters! With icky GIRLS in it!"

>>48826371
>It was at this point the players joined the crusade of the BBEG.

>>48826005

"Mother hire you, didn't she?! WELL, MOTHER LOOK AT ME! I'M WAY BETTER THAN STEVE! HIM AND HIS PIG FARM!"

>>48826387
"We're not so different, you and us."

File: 1461712821743.gif (676KB, 800x800px) Image search: [Google]

676KB, 800x800px

>>48818965
Actually earning money to sleep in the room, not the stable for the night.

>>48821091
As a GM, sometimes it's helpful to know what my players AREN'T doing. Knowing that they're not going to make Generic Powergamed Character #9 is useful, knowing that they're not going to try to save the princess is useful, knowing that they're not going to spare the villain is useful. Basically, having a list of what they won't do makes it a lot simpler to figure out what they *will* do, which makes it easier to prepare for future sessions.

>>48824439
This is my next BBEG now. Thank you.

>>48816491
Well, I read a good portion of the source material and I know exactly what I want to play and how my character can fit into the setting.

File: hqdefault.jpg (14KB, 480x360px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 480x360px

Things DMs never say.

>>48827022
Okay guys you can use your phones now

>>48827022
"I care about you having fun more than I care about fellating my NPCs and dragging you along my rails."

>>48827022
Why don't you attack while BBEG talks his bullshit?

>>48826005
"I'M ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO GET AN ERECTION!"

>>48827022
"Sorry."

>>48827396
BULLSHIT! I say that all the time!

>>48827416
I mean the unironically sorry.

>>48827427
So was I...

>>48827022
"No, you cannot play a big tittied vampire girl. No, I don't care if she has a bitchin' cannon."

>>48827022
"So, /tg/, I want to tell you about this awesome player. I had a plan but this player did something else and that was fine, as the game is about the players' stories and not the DM's..."

>>48827464
Eh, I wish I could say I've never said that as a GM, but I have.

>>48827486
/tg/ used to have threads about occasional awesome players, but it was banned because no fun allowed. I think they are on /soc/ now instead.

File: wadefug.gif (450KB, 480x270px) Image search: [Google]

450KB, 480x270px

>>48827509
>t it was banned because no fun allowed
??????
Seriously?

>>48827022
>Things DMs never say.
"So I planned this campaign to be a colossal circle-jerk over how awesome your special snowflake PC are"
and said with the utmost sincerity.

>>48817384
It is too late for an anal circumference joke?

>>48827022
No, she does NOT have an ample bosom.

File: mod_overlord.png (8KB, 1015x90px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 1015x90px

>>48827524

>>48827554
>perpetually ruining good boards

The most ancient and traditional of games.

>>48818145
"Lets go slash some orcs today!"

>>48819165
You didnt just say that did you anon?

>>48824559
>>48824583
>suble soundtrack of YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs and anime OSTs constantly play

>>48827874
my fetish is consensual sex with tentacles

>>48824064
Tom is that you?

>>48827554
I was wondering why I wasn't seeing much positive shit on the board. Apparently a mod didn't like the idea that someone had fun outside his hole.

>>48819050
>>48819168
You two have the right idea.

>>48824735

I saw this same set of faggots get in an argument where one side was arguing that it was okay for the DM to suddenly drop starvation on you with no prior warning, while the other side was arguing that rations should lnt be kept track of, making three days rations enough to get through several weeks of travel. They're all retarded in wild, unexpected directions.

>>48827486
It's about everyone's stories, you shitposting retard.

>>48823334
We did this once.

Then ended up killing it anyways.

>Doing something in a guard tower
>Super powerful guard captain we knew was there and were sneaking around appears due to botched stealth roll
>NPC we're with goes to hold him off so we can escape and live
>We started booking it to the exit
>Out of nowhere NPC rolls a critical hit on the fucker
>Takes off about 80% of his health in one hit.
>We audibly screech to a halt and turn around and beat the guard to death.
>NPC became a permanent party fixture from that point.

>>48818438
I got away with that once. My Malkavian was devout Christian.

>>48816547
>constantly make diplomatic characters
>everyone in every world is an unreasonable asshole for the sake of mandatory combat

>>48816818
Miscellaneous bones.

>>48817080
>no "virgin thighs"
One job.

>>48823799
>interrogation mark

>>48829510
if your interrogation doesn't leave marks, you're being too nice

File: Drew_Carey.jpg (36KB, 512x384px) Image search: [Google]

36KB, 512x384px

Things you wish you never have learned about the barbarian.

File: smugmug.jpg (9KB, 195x258px) Image search: [Google]

9KB, 195x258px

>>48829536
>he doesn't use the superior tickle torture

>>48829566
"I just can't take him seriously now that I know his name is Laurence"

File: 1251552872657.jpg (34KB, 300x562px) Image search: [Google]

34KB, 300x562px

>>48829566

File: (tg) Game in a game in a game.png (381KB, 1296x672px) Image search: [Google]

381KB, 1296x672px

>>48819356

>>48829566
...At least I know who my dad is now.

>>48820609
"TooMuchTime! How to travel in time and identify errors in the Timeline: the ultimate guide for the time traveler. Disclaimer: we are not liable for any and all paradoxes, accidental erasures of people and/or property, injuries, deaths, coup d'états, and incests that result from usage of this book. "
"Surfing the Astral Plane with your dudes."
"Spelljamming and Exploring: fuck alien witches, get fat riches!"

Please, I am sorry, thank you and excuse me.

>>48824945
i haven't seen the top shelf meme in years m8

>>48829566
The head of the Thieves Guild doesn't use contraception.

>>48817057
>just burn out, let all the games dies and end a friendship with the last players that ever showed up.

Feels good, feels like freedom. I have more time to read, which is where I get my best inspiration. It has also afforded me more time to finish writing scenarios for competitions, and other creative tasks that got sidelined due to a lack of time.

One day I will return with an adventure that makes everything I did in the past pale in comparison. I will need to find a new group on that day, but that is never hard for the forever GM.

>>48824439
Kylo ren?

>>48829566
His axe was made from a bovine bone.

File: 1388687197359.jpg (29KB, 533x400px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 533x400px

Internal monologues of orcs...

>>48832244
"What if me am that kind of orc"?

>>48832244
I wish I was an elf.

File: maxresdefault[2].jpg (144KB, 1920x1080px) Image search: [Google]

144KB, 1920x1080px

>>48832244

TREE
STINKIN
DAYZ

>>48816491
Wait we should really think this through

>>48832244
>I wonder if a torus is homeomorphic to a sphere?

>>48832244
goodness would you look at the time. If i'm late to the raping and pillaging my fellow orc compatriots would berate me to no end.

>>48832244
"Do my union benefits cover this?"

>>48823331
None pizza with left beef

>>48832244
"STOP POKING ME."

>>48827190
...I said this last session when I had to find a monster worth three 1s in a row on a 'what happens on guard duty today' roll.

>>48829050
>tfw the other players thought i'd gone fishmalk with his fixation on making everything a fairy tale.
>tfw they get ahold of his last psych eval and find out he has acute depression and uses fairy tales to escape reality.

Things got awkward after that.

>>48834231
Wait, what?
Are we talking 1 in 8000 odds or literal one in a million odds?

File: frog says stop.jpg (14KB, 400x300px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 400x300px

>>48826005
I don't have a good speech planned yet, adventurers REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

File: maxresdefault.jpg (94KB, 1920x1080px) Image search: [Google]

94KB, 1920x1080px

Things from the Rogue's will...

>>48834832
1 in 8000. They were part of the guard of a dwarven fortress, so I threw a particularly viscous forgotten beast at them. They defeated it... then died from the beast's poisonous breath. They vomited blood to death. (Before you call me a rocks-fall-everyone-dies bastard, the players thought it was fair.)

>>48816535
I absolutely prefer to GM over playing. I guess I'm in the minority.

>>48835239
There's a stash under the cleric's floorboards. Dig it up and YOU MAKE HIM RES ME.

>>48818426
>>48819770
>>48832288

underrated post alert

>>48835239
An arrest warrant.

>"This food you made for us sucks, Someone else."

>>48835251
>particularly viscous
Molasses viscous? Tar viscous?

>>48835239
And my favorite knife I leave to the person who killed me, deliver it to his heart would you guys.