How come female bards are so rarely played?

Most fantasy settings have yet to invent the strap-on.

>>48308849
Because you masturbate at the table too much.

>>48308849

We've got a couple female bards in my campaigns.

One is a total slut and the other has an adorable husband and three children at home.

>>48308849
I play one.
She doesn't put out as much as the stereotype implies.

Syphilis.

I only once encountered a female bard, it was a Drow and she got into an argument with the party that led to her abandoning the game because someone pointed out she was a rape fetishist.

>>48308849
Thank you, now I have to search for clown porn again and it will be shameful ,think about other anons before you post this.

>>48308977

When you can seduce anyone in the city, there isn't a lot of reason to shoot for quantity over quality.

Where does the BARDS ARE SO SEXY LOL xDDDD meme come from anyway? As far as I can tell, they're probably the most embarrassing adventurer class to be a part of. At least the other classes have marketable skills and powers, but a bard at first glance is just a guy with a ukelele who plays it so well, the real heroes get a little bit stronger.

>>48308849
That image is making feel very uncomfortable

>>48310509
They are portrayed as womanizers in many fictional works, they were the actors of the medieval/fantasy times and highly sought after. So it's really more their background than actual feats.

>>48310509

What if the bard is actually a spy/assassin?

>>48310341
[HONKS SEDUCTIVELY]

>>48310553
Well in medieval times there weren't supernatural heroes wielding the powers of magic or fighting off dragons with nothing but a sword and shield so maybe a bard would be a rock star there.

However, in "fantasy times" (you know that D&D is fiction right?) I would think bards would be an unpopular choice in an adventuring party, so you got like the guy who uses lightning bolts to zap orc armies and the fighter who faces down a terrible ogre without fear, who may be more appealing than the guy who stands in the back singing about how to kill trolls while strumming a lute.

I mean granted there's a few ladies out there who prefer Ringo Starr, but honestly even old fantasy artwork always shows the women hanging off the arms of a big studly fighter/barbarian type, or in the arms of some stoic dragon rider. I can't think of any example off the top of my head of a bard getting the bitches, except if being a bard is a small side hobby to their ACTUAL skill set, such as Bronn and Rhaegar being able to sing in Game of Thrones.

>>48310855
My answer was more in line of why most women would romanticize them. Of course if you have an adventurers group as a whole he will be probably the second last to get some, after the necromancer. But just imagine said bard singing about the adventures in a bar, they tend to paint themself in a better light than they really are, compare for example with Dandelion from the witcher. The people would fawn over the bard because he actively uses his reputation to get laid and considering that this works, even if the bard did not compete himself in an adventure; singing about old classics for example; I don't think it is unlikely they get a reputation, if only because mostly others don't try to actively further their glory.

But you are right, this works only if the shining knight is not standing right behind Ringo and steals the show by telling the audience, that infact he killed the dragon and the bard did not heroically decapitaded the beast with his bread knife flung from his lute while citing a cool one liner.

>>48310855
>the guy who stands in the back singing about how to kill trolls while strumming a lute.
His song kills the trills though. His mocking words are killing things with psychic blasts of shame

>>48311169
That's why we have no female bards
Just imagine the break-up song making your dick shrink

>>48311165

Dandelion is a fantastic example of how a bard would work in a fantasy setting.

The bard is more than just a fantastic womanizer or seductress, they're the ultimate wingman; as Geralt would learn, Dandelion (like any good bard) had used him as the subject of many plays, ballads and sonnets, enlarging Geralt to something larger than life (while still including himself as a major figure.)

So while the bard would indeed get a lot of tail, while the bard is treating a pair of girls to his finger-skill with a lure, the fighter will be approached by a woman wanting to feel the muscles that "slew a dragon" while the wizard might get people lining up to apprentice with him since a guy that can "destroy Orcs with a word or armies with a wave of his fingers" is worth studying under.

Even the Scandinavians knew the significance of skalds when they came calling. The bard is the figure that turns a gritty band of assholes into a heroic team of legends.

because "muh strong woman won't assume a support role"

>>48311313
Spoken like a true patron of the arts

>>48310509
I have a really hard time taking bards seriously in game without meta-knowledge. I just imagine this scene where everyone is getting fucked up or killed and this asshole is just playing his lute. It's probably a good thing 5e made them full casters

>>48311755
Not being taken seriously is a great advantage.

I mean, it makes it much easier to distract and decieve; Charisma is the bard's trump card.

There's Daggers In Men's Smiles, says The Bard himself.

>>48311313

This.

If your bard isn't helping you get laid or famous, they're doing it wrong.

>>48308849
Pregnancy

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>>48308849
Because Bard is a male-only class, duh.

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>>48312570

>>48312570

>He doesn't let the party cleric watch over the kids while you're off making another one

What are you, gay?

>>48308849
>How come female bards are so rarely played?
Because they rarely play.. -MUSIC!

:kill me and be done with it::

>>48310839
pls no
pls stop

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>>48312795
>3

Nine you ignorant slut. Girls have NINE (9) holes for fucking.

>>48312795
>he doesn't know about nipple and bellybutton penetration

>>48312795
Japan has taught me differently.
Some things can't be unlearned.

>>48313893
Tell me your secrets, magical sage

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>>48313893
>only nine

>>48311755
https://youtu.be/BZwuTo7zKM8?t=16s

>>48313893
>>48313988

Vagina, anus, mouth, ears x2, nasal canals x2, that's seven... eyes x2?

>>48313663
Mmmm.

>>48312795
>>48314336
>>48314130
Don't forget behind the knee.

>>48310855
>ean granted there's a few ladies out there who prefer Ringo Starr, but honestly even old fantasy artwork always shows the women hanging off the arms of a big studly fighter/barbarian type, or in the arms of some stoic dragon rider.

There's something kinda funny to note.
You know Casanova, the guy who's name means "highly successful womanizer"? We have pictures of the guy, and he was fucking weird looking. Even taking into account the differing standards of beauty back in the day, Casanova was not an attractive human being. Then there's guys like Ben Franklin, who even when younger could at best be called "average" but was known to be ridiculously successful with women in his younger years bouncing across Europe.
Women are generally portrayed as to be attracted to only physical features, but any idiot with even the slightest understanding of women in real life recognizes that women's definition of sexually attractive is often significantly more cerebral then men's; it's not that they don't enjoy a good-looking person, it's that even a kind of weird-looking dude can turn them on hotter then the sun just by pressing the right psychological buttons with the right words.

Also, D&D bards tend to be well-armed and not exactly weak-looking. A melee-specced Bard with a relatively "low" main Strength of 15 can lift over 200lbs above his head due to lifting rules.

>>48314336
You went to eyes before thinking if nipples?

>>48315194
They also forgot about the urethra. So it's more like 13, 15 if you count the armpits.

Why watching hentai is a bad idea: the thread

>>48315519
Armpits don't count any more than hands do.
And eyes don't count either! If we start counting things that you need to remove things from to make them holes we get some really fucked and implication, and infinite amount of possible holes so it becomes pointless anyway.

>>48308849
Name a single good female musician who doesn't make EDM/IDM

Here's a hit: the euro club scene didn't exist in the XII -- XV century time that most fantasy games take place in. They don't belong.

>>48310509
Well, we can trace it back to the mythical sirens of the Greeks at least.

Singing is sexy. Ever notice how beautiful women in fantasy are often described as having a voice like a song?

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Let me get this right:
A Good bard is the ultimate wingman
The Evil bard only works for himself.

What is the difference between a neutral and a chaotic bard in terms of style with women/men/all of the above?

>>48308849
You can impregnate 1000 of girl at one time

but you can only be pregnant once

well ok maybe 3 times if you are kangaroo girl

but still 3 < 1000

>>48316278
A neutral bard takes whatever comes his way and shares if it is so possible. A chaotic bard will send you to bed with two chicks and you'll wake up in the morning with a turtle biting down on your cock. A lawful bard makes every girl sign an agreement and has his roadies vet them before they get to sleep with him or his allies.

>>48316312
>lawful bard

>>48315778
Armpits should be an exception mang, if you can get the chick slightly supported in the back and speak dirty but soft it's an amazing experience.

>>48316320
>lawful bard

This sounds like "bard" is an alignment too.

>>48316320
Ex bards don't lose their powers in first, second or third ed (fourth too if I remember correctly) they just stop gaining bard levels and can't steal shit no mo, but they can use spells and certainly diplomacy.

>>48316409
sure, but that not a hole. That's an armpitjob. similar to handjob or footjob. A hole has to enter the body, while an armpit just grips.

>>48316502
Paizuri counts as a hole, though

>>48316525
It doesn't because paizuri is a boobjob.

>>48316550
it should count, just because it can be open on both ends doesn't mean it's not a hole. Otherwise, what do donuts have?

>All this Bard Hate
>implying
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuJnvC8voJY

>>48308849

Because there are a plethora of options. Some are more popular than others.

I played a female bard. She was mostly stoned as fuck yet was one of the people who didn't escalate the session into the tpk it eventually became.

>>48313893
Madre di dios

>>48308849
Because women don't need music or magic to be manipulative.

On a serious note, a co-player is playing a fembard who is practically "cinnamon roll after a bit of SAN loss" and is in an arguably toxic relationship with my own character. Turns out mixing someone that likes to make themselves the bait in their own plans with someone that doesn't like the concept of people getting hurt emotionally let alone physically brings up a few conflicts of interest.

>>48310509
>Where does the BARDS ARE SO SEXY LOL xDDDD meme come from anyway?
They're musicians you fucking shut in.

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GOAT fembard coming thru

>>48308849

70% of TTRPG players are males who tend to play males.

>Bards aren't popular
>Males tend to play males

Do the math OP

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>>48318697
I'm more partial to pic related, but your point stands.

Because women can't be charming, only slutty

>>48319277
Wat

>>48314597
And titfucks. If behind the knee counts, so does between the tits. Plus the feet, plus both hands, plus a two-handed handjob, and the hair. That brings the total up to 16, I believe.

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>>48318697
>>48319247
Make way for the true GOAT.

>>48311313
>The bard is the figure that turns a gritty band of assholes into a heroic team of legends.

This is significantly better than the Necromancer I last played, who turned a team of heroic legends into a band of gritty assholes. Wearing it gave +1 to natural armor, though.

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>capcha is commercial trucks
Happy Bastile Day!

>>48319731
>>48319752
Belly dancing hits my libido like a fucking sledgehammer, I swear to God.

>>48308849
Do you see much female musicians that sing not local inn-tier garbage, winning the ball only by shaking tits and asses? Much less than males, I assume

>>48313893
Only 3 my dick will actually fit in, though.

>>48320158
Shut up, Chad.

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>>48308849
Because there's not enough Macross fans.

>>48310509
Dandelion

That is all

bumping for qt singers

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>>48323102
you want more?

>>48323191
always

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>>48323199
just ladybards? or something specific?

>>48321091
>Combat starts
>Session turns into horrendous karaoke night

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thats all my ladybards

Would love to play a female bard who adventures and sluts it up, but alas, no chance.

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>>48316278

>>48316137
Taylor Momsen, Lacey Sturm, Any singer from the 1920's you ignorant savage.

>>48316137
>>48323664
Metal as well. Vocalists from Arch Enemy and The Agonist, accordion player from Turisas, The fabulous ladies from Diablo Swing Orchestra and Mindless Self Indulgence.

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>>48323567
That is a terrible webm. All that "trick" was just a stacking pen thing, but made with dusters.

>>48323743
Yeah, but if you were a typical five-year-old, it might be AMAZING.

>>48323873
Yes, because the number one market for slutty clowns are five year olds.

>>48324059
And their dads

>>48316137
Doro Pesch
girls from Suidakra, Wildpath, Krypteria, Kontrust,

>>48310509
real life?

if your job involves entertainment and constant carousing you tend to be at least a little attractive.

>>48324059
Well they're SUPPOSED to be!

>>48324059
Little boys love cute older girls, /ss/ is not just a meme

>>48327561
Anon, just because women can't rape doesn't mean they can't be pedos.
No need to raid the cradle there, cougar.

>>48311755
It's as silly as you imagine it to be. A wizard could be Ron Weasley waggling his bent little twig and having trouble pronouncing magic words. A bard could be the lead guitarist of his skeleton band shooting lightning from his flaming guitar.

They're both looking better than Fightan Man, he who can bonk his greatsword against enemies no more than twice a round from his cobweb covered stationary position in the middle of the mob.

>>48328315
>They're both looking better than Fightan Man, he who can bonk his greatsword against enemies no more than twice a round from his cobweb covered stationary position in the middle of the mob.
Dude, what?
I don't get this complaint at all. Is it that you can't move through enemy spaces? Is it that attacking only twice a round isn't enough (a round is only like, a couple of seconds, you know)? Is it that fighters are boring? What?

>>48328384
"The bard is a silly man who plays a lute in the middle of a fight" is a very old fashioned idea of the class comparable to thinking fighters are dumb logs who just stand there and basic attack.

>>48328384

Fighters are only really effective if they're rooted in one space and allowed to get their full attacks off.

Compared to any mage, the Fighter just doesn't have enough damage potential to remain viable.

>>48310509
>>48311755
Well, maybe you should stop watching shitty movies about gaming that enforce the crappy stereotypes of 'bards are useless' given to us by 3e...

>>48328437
Oh, that makes sense.
>>48328487
That's actually not really accurate, depending on what system you're talking about, but thanks for trying for input anyway.

>>48308849
pic related

>>48323567
more sexy clowns

>>48310509
Have you even played 5e. You can get spells from any other classes spell list. My 5e bard is a bagpiping fountain of lightning and death.

>>48310509
>Where does the BARDS ARE SO SEXY LOL xDDDD meme come from anyway?
Charisma was typecast as the "I roll to seduce!" stat, and Bards were typecast as the most Charismatic. Combine this with how performance artists are seen in the real world and you have this. How that isn't immediately obvious is honestly astounding to me unless you have never played a game of D&D in your life.

Didnt that one clowngirl performer stop doing her gigs because the dads at birthday parties wanted to fuck her?

>>48319812
Q
T
3.14

>>48335951
pudgy chin
long neck
a bit on the short side
no juicy thighs
2/10

>>48335961
oh god now I can't unsee the chin thing thanks asshole

>>48335970
Suffer not the witch, anon.

>>48335990
please anon
Make chin normal

>>48336009
see if /r/ will help you
otherwise, learn to photoshop

>>48336017
o-other threads?
Are you sure, anon?

>>48328562
>That's actually not really accurate, depending on what system you're talking about, but thanks for trying for input anyway.

What system do you suggest we talk about? What system do you think of when you hear Bard?

>>48335899
No, she ended up marrying one of those dads and retired.
Now she only puts on the clown costume in bed.

>>48333508
>>48318697
>fat junkie dead whore
Bards are worst girls

>>48335961
>a bit on the short side
What the fuck?

>>48336053
Well, if you had actually read the thread of conversations you were replying to, you should have noticed that the only system mentioned was 5e, where Champion Fighter puts out more burst damage than any other class. Let's not turn this into an edition war discussion, though, because it's already been established that your interpretation of the post in question was wrong, so it's a moot point anyway.

>>48310855
Bards in 1st ed were best at everything.
They were also just damn good musicians.

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>>48308849
It was easier when glam rock and metal were actually popular. Hip hop and rap has ruined the image for the most part.

Also, best bard waifu incoming

>>48323567
I'd assist her in hiding the salami.

>>48340531
and here I thought I was the only one that remembered that film.

>>48310565
I stop playing Dragon Age.

>>48319536
Don't forget going between the thighs

>>48340531
I just watched this for the first time.

Thank you, Canada.

>>48308849
I play one
There's been no allusions to sex. She's a swashbuckling librarian who manipulates the fuck of of people until everything works out as intended.

>>48319863
Well yessss of course it shows off all sorts of deliciousness

>>48323567
Why boner why!!

>>48324059
What about her was slutty at all?

>>48340164
A grip like that on the dagger measure about five inches. The blade then, is about seven, and the whole thing is about a foot long. Measuring pixels, that means her thigh is about 18 inches at most, and following standard human proportions, she'll be standing at about 5'2"

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>>48308849
Because playing a prostitute that still takes it like a champ and knows opera isn't as appealing as a dude with a magical lute who bangs all the bitches in a 20 mile radius despite dressing like medieval Liberace.

>>48340531
Pelor's beard she is hot

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>>48345833
A foot-long dagger seems reasonable, although I'd question how accurate that assumption is anyway.

Mostly, though, I don't see what "she's short" is doing on a list of flaws in the first place

>>48340531
>>48341970
I've only seen the edited Murrikan version, but I listen to her theme song at least once a month.

>>48346919
The complete version Canadian uncut is all on youtube

>>48313893
You forgot the Urethra for a total of ten.

>>48320158
This is America, damnit. You want it to fit, you MAKE it fit.

>>48310509

Orpheus got a lot of play back before he was literally torn apart by a pack of psychotically enraged women.

>>48348784

He lost is waifu though.

>>48348803

Yeah, Greeks were big on tragedy.

Males = Bards
Females = Dancers

Not hard to figure out.

>>48343565
What movie is that?

And here I was hoping for a slutty hot clown thread.

>>48349043
>>48340531
this.

please give sauce on this

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>>48308849
>Giggles
>Bard
Fuck me, why does it make sense?

>>48342046
Does anyone ever actually follow that advice?

>>48348784
>>48348803
This is pretty important.

Eurydice was the love of his life. So much so that when she died, he didn't want anything else out of life. When he failed to bring her back, he just moped around for the remainder of his life until given the sweet embrace of death by some very angry people.

Whatever he was before, the only part of him that stayed the same was that he was someone with the power of music on his side.

>>48312795

Where is this image from? It looks familiar to me, but I can't place it, and google is being unhelpful.

>>48308849

Because it is actually hard to interpret a manic pixie dream girl convincingly.

>>48349043
>>48349311
Rock and Rule

It's by the people who would go on to do the goofy movies for Disney. Which is why the women are so hot in that movie.

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>>48312795
GIRLS HAVE THREE HOLES
YOU CAN ONLY PUT IT IN TWO
ONE OF THE HOLES IS BAD TO PUT IT IN
MIGHT KILL THE GIRL

>>48353891
Thank you black sornic

>>48314805
>15 str
>low
Oh shit what are you doing

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>>48308849
My gf is playing a bard in our current campaign. She never uses her music much beyond entertaining the party around the campfire, which is funny since she only played a bard to be like Gabrielle from Xena

>>48353891
So if I avoid her vagina she can't die from childbirth.

Got it.

>>48308849
How is a clown a bard?

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>>48351118
>Does anyone ever actually follow that advice?
not usually, I think.

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More HONK

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>>48360741

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>>48360754
End of HONK

>>48349311
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJa0Zv5gHSU

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>>48327561
Former little boy, can confirm

>>48308849
Because a female bard is essentially just a prostitute

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I'd like to see more innocent bards in general, both male and female. Dreamy artists who live for their craft and lose themselves in song. Charisma doesn't have to mean they're a slut, it just means they're likable.

>>48363425
I have a non-slut male bard, but I wouldn't say he's innocent.
He has a criminal record, having spent a short time in jail for robbing a wealthy food merchant at crossbow-point in order to feed starving orphans. Now he's out of jail and hoping to get the band back together, but the current adventure is important enough to derail his goals for now. He's not just going to stand by and let hidden evils bring ruin to the city.
Also, he is basically a Blues Brother. He is well dressed and wears tinted eyewear. He also likes to teach Shelyn's concept of beauty in life by stressing how we can take even the hard times and make something beautiful like the blues, letting the catharsis help you move on and enjoy life.