Goooooood evening and welcome everyone to /tg/, the board where

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The bard's last words.

>>46802455
>What could go wrong by sticking my dick in this?

>>46802455
>Let me play us out...

>>46802455
Is it possible to seduce a lich?

>>46802455
I roll to seduce Death.

>>46802455

>I roll to seduce

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That Guy is at it again.

>>46802455
>I shall sing a song of my people!

>>46803050
>I'll play a whore samurai, is that okay?

>>46803050
>but that's what my character would do!

>>46803050

>I'm just playing to my alignment :^)

>>46803050
>I'm hosting my own show on /tg/!

>>46803050
>hey this is my cousin. I brought him over to pay with us. You cool with that gm?

>>46803050
>How come the fighter gets the most kills?!

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The BBEG goes on holiday.

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>>46803265

>>46803265
>Age of consent? We're in Thailand!

>>46803265
>So, do I get an evil villain bonus?

>>46803265
"I made reservations months ago!"
"What do you mean I have to share a room with the PCs???"
"Fucking contrived plot!"

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>>46803265

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>>46803265
>"All the time in the world to spend with Mr. Fluffles The Destroyer."

>>46803265
>Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
>NO WE ARE NO THERE YET! BE QUIET OR I'LL BE TURNING THIS DRAGON AROUND AND NO ONE WILL GET TO PLAY IN THE FUNGEON!
>Dear, why did we have to take the dragon, we could've used one of those teleport scrolls or got your best friend to cast the spell.
>Okay, first he's not my best friend, he's my second in command which means he might have sent us all somewhere nasty.
>But he wouldn't do that to you, or your family.
>Dear, I love you but you're dumb as bricks, secondly the fungeon has a field of anti magic to stop fucking mages from teleporting around and cheating.
>Can't we teleport outside and then walk in?
>NO! Third, I'm in a contract to give the dragon we're riding minimum hours a week.
>Thank you sir.

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>>46803265

>>46803265
>> "This People's Republic of Korea sure sounds comfy. OOH THEY EVEN HAVE UNICORNS"

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>>46803265

>>46802455
>>46803050

Catfolk bard "what could PAW-sibly go wrong"

>>46803265
>Hi, I'm Drew Carey and I'm going on holiday.

>>46803265
>Where in the Nine Hells did the party wizard go this time?
Meanwhile, in the Nine Hells...

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Things you can say to a lich, but not to your wife.

>>46805596
Those robes are atrocious

>>46805596
So, you wanna BONE?

>>46805596

>Put a bag over that

>>46805596
You're a dried up old corpse.

>>46805596
Yes, those robes do make you look fat. The robes, and the putrid flesh that lies beneath them.

>>46805596
"You heartless bitch"

>>46805596
>So much for aging gracefully

>>46805909
Winrar

>>46805596
My dogs would enjoy you once we're done with you.

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>>46806490
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

>>46805596
>I've brought some friends to help take you on. >*to the party* Careful, it's really old.

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Graffiti found in the dungeon restrooms.

>>46805596
Thank you for helping out while I was at the bar...

>>46807644
>For a good time scry...

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>>46807644
>Do not trust the water.

>>46802455
I bet that purple worm gives good head

>>46803050
Read my ten page backstory *unsheathes katana*

>>46807644
>rogues do it from behind

>>46807644
>This is an explosive rune

>>46807644
SECVNDVS DEFECATED HERE

>>46805596
I'm gonna need back up for this one

>>46807644

>Invisible assailants ahea-

>>46807644
Dont use: toilet is a mimic

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>>46808837
>he must have died while carving it

>>46807644
Call Vecna via a drop of your blood on this (pentagram drawn with blood) for a really good time.

>>46807644
I prepared explosive runes this morning.

>>46809006
this is a reference to something but for the life of me I can't remember what.

>>46809029
Explosives runes allows you to make text that explodes when read. The idea is that the sentence "I prepared explosive runes this morning" is explosives runes, so that the person realises just before the text blows up in their face. I don't know if it's specifically from anywhere, but it's a pretty old joke.

>>46809029
>>46809056
Order of the Stick popularised it.

And hell, Burlew is decently smart, he may even have come up with it.

>>46809065
Yup, that was it.

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Pickup lines from party members OTHER than the bard.

>>46810369
"They big boy. But me big man"

>>46810369
"You see, we martial initiators can go all day long."

>>46810369
SKREEEONK

>>46810369
"I've prepared Bigby's Nimble Fingers today"

>>46810369
>Let me take you to my room and I'll whisper the word of the lord in your ear all night long.

>>46810369

Deus Volt!

>>46810369

folllow the word of our lord, and you too can go to heaven.

Would you like a sample tonight?

>>46810369

What's that boy? You want a taste of a real woman?

>>46810369
You know, I'm famous around for kowing how to handle big chests.

>>46810369
"Would you like to copulate for the glory all that is good, young maiden?"

>>46810369
"I'm friends with the bard, come with me and I'll introduce him to you next time."

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>>46802455
"I cast charm person on the-"

>>46803050
"Dude! You have to roll a save! I don't care that it's your BBEG, I rolled to charm person!"

>>46803265
You know what, fuck you guys, he's going to go bang fifty hookers and a blow elemental

>>46805596
"I thought you said you said she was a female."

>>46807644
No, I said the graffiti said "Coldbones ain't got no icicle" He's a lich, of course he doesn't have a cock.

>>46810369
pic related
"Don't worry! I've got a couple in my bag he can use! On me. Persuasion?"

>>46810369
"you know my paladin oath doesn't mention chastity at all."

>>46810369
"I wanna do you doggy style, and I don't mean with my Wild Shape..."

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>>46803359
Yes

>>46808915
nah then there would be a "-dgn. . uhgh.... ...-"

>>46811768
"...Unless you're into that sort of thing..."

>>46807644
"I can shapeshift."

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Rejected ideas for the BBEG's master-plan.

>>46813858
Impregnating every woman he can find to take over the world, GENETICALLY!

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>>46813858
IM GOING TO SET FIRE TO THE SUN

>>46813858
Breaking into show business and stealing the most valuable thing of all: our hearts.

>>46813858
Drowning all marine life if the UN doesn't submit to his demands.

>>46813880
He said REJECTED ideas. Ghenis Khan did that and succeeded...enough

>>46813858
Making sure everyone onboard survives.

>>46813858
Hi...my name is Drew the Lich.

>>46805596
Looks like you got a ticket to the bone zone

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What the wizard is actually thinking.

>>46814811
I'm too good for this party.

>>46814811
I haven't been listening for the past three weeks. What the blazes are we doing? By the way this fighter man's nose is twitching I believe he hired me for something, and his name seems to be Rodrick. I'll just summon an elemental I guess. What could go wrong?

>>46814811
Life ain't nothing but bitches and magic

>>46814811
I wonder what would happen if an owl fucked a bear

>>46814811
Don't look at me as if I was the wizard who did it, lady. You went home with the lich and the bard that night, look to them for that bundle of bad luck in your arms.

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>>46810369

>>46814811
I wonder what would happen if I summoned a succubus and an archon, then told them to make out...

>>46814811
Hmm we're setting up camp and I have seven prepared spells left over... Let's see how much fun I can have with them.

>>46814811
I could enchant all your food to taste of my dick.

>>46813858
IM GOING TO BURN DOWN THE OCEAN

>>46813858
When the ritual is complete, the moon and the earth will switch places!

>>46815416
Just saying, that would either do nothing if they preserve their relative velocities, or would destroy everything through some combination of the moon crashing into the earth, and then both of them falling into the sun

>>46814811
I swear the next time the barbarian charge against a door, i am gonna create a illusion in a stone wall so he can charge it.

>>46814811
But how does this contribute to my plan to destroy the elves?

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What evil henchmen do when they're not on the job.

>>46810369
I cast Charm.

>>46817229
Whatever they want to.

>>46817229
Pay insurance premiums.

>>46817229
Go home and tell their wife they didn't get the promotion, before crying in the shower.

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>>46817229
Ah, don't knock or anything. It's not like I live with eighty guys and no women, so there is no chance I'm masturbating!

>>46814811
I swear I left my shotgun around here somewhere...

>>46814811
Damn those penguinboots be comfy.

>>46817229
When a felon's not engaged in his employment or maturing his felonious little plans, his capacity for innocent enjoyment is just as great as any honest man's.

>>46814811
Now, if I aim this just right... Ah fuck it, our rogue can probably make the save.

>>46817229
they have a lovely dinner with their wife and neighbours, celebrating that they'll have a kid in only a couple of weeks and all the money working for the BBEG has brought them.

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The druid fails a nature check

>>46821671
"What? Nah, those are totally safe to eat. They're just bright colors like that to attract pollinators."

>>46818782
>When a felon's not engaged in his employment or maturing his felonious little plans, his capacity for innocent enjoyment is just as great as any honest man's.

Kek'd

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>>46813912
Fuck that's pretty good.
I might have to steal this for the next lich I use.

>>46821671
I speak for the trees and they say it is totally safe

>>46821671
"No miss ranger! I live in the wilds for long to know dragon track and these ar obviously basilisk tracks now we should move own

>>46821671
>Druid player: What do you mean I lost my powers? Is the tree armor cursed or something?
>DM: Uhh that armor you put on wasn't a plant that grew into the shape of plate armor.... that was actual plate armor.
>Druid: Fuck.

>>46807666
kek

>>46821671
The trees say shut the fuck up

>>46821671
Duck down! There's a gazebo there! Don't want it to spot us!

>>46821671
>Paladin:So where's the bear?
>Druid:"sigh" it's Drew Carey

>>46821671
"Relax guys. This is a Bearowl. Completely different species and, surprisingly, completely harmless."