Meanwhile on bbeg /tg/

>>46256851
What, you give speeches? You fucking pussy.

Real men attack silently, with a precision drone strike.

I bet you don't even confirm the kills.

>>46256851
Ugh, murderhobos are the worst, no bloody respect or professionalism. Can't they just wait a few moments to indulge a dark overlord in a monologue on the nature of man, and the inevitably of their demise? Gods above, no respect.

>>46256851
>BAWW party interrupted 'muh speech

Maybe if you wrote better speeches and not some trite woe-is-me garbage, the heroes would actually stop and listen once in a while.

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>tfw I totally wiped out a party of adventurers the other day

I don't even do it for some grand evil purpose. I just plan on making the pawns move and the roaches squirm.

Adventurers are nothing more than a game to me.

>>46256851
Dude. Just have a bullshit magic field. Now you're safe to speech away and they can't touch you. Maybe have a nice uncrossable ravine and hold their families hostage. Unless they're orphans which is sadly often the case.

Side note: theres ALWAYS a fucking thing those bastards find that stops me evil plans. How the fuck do they track that shit down, and how can i stop them, when i have a goddamned network of spies across the land purposefully killing all asshats with that knowledge AND destroying those damned mcguffles or whatever those fuckers call them.

>>46261037
Just steal the mcguffles for yourself.
Then find a mcguffle to help you to find more mcguffles so nobody else can have them.

>be 200-year-dead Lich
>asked to host an evil dinner party for Beholder, Death Knight, and a Gith Couple
>party crashes the lair while I'm making evil dinner
>it's fine, I expected it
>i put an evil souffle in
>party kicks in the door to my inner sanctum
>ask them if we can fight outside
>paladin thinks it's a trap of some kind, demands we fight in there
>i don't even have anything lying in wait, I just wanted to keep the noise down
>explain it to them
>they give the loudest fucking battle cries ever
>realize they're a little outmatched and teleport out
>evil souffle falls
>i forgot about the evil turkey in the fighting, it caught fire
>evil dinner party is awkward and quiet
>I'm pretty sure the gith wife is sleeping with the beholder behind the mister's back
>she's gonna blame me
FUCKING
I WASN'T EVEN BOTHERING ANYBODY THIS DECADE
WHY DO THEY RUIN EVERYTHING

>>46261137
I do. I even get my ass up sometimes and get them myself and these fucks somehow find more. I even tortured one for info on this shit and they tell me fucking peasants, PEASANTS, give them the location.

>>46256851
You've got to give them a reason to listen.
I like to take hostages, and kill them if they interrupt.
So long as you've never lied to them and they don't think you'll kill them anyway, it works a treat.

>>46256851
>do the "maybe we're not so different after all, you and me" bit
>the party points out the glaring differences
>have to agree
Where have I gone wrong in my life, anon?

>>46261271
I heard that it's an angelic halo shaped like an exclamation point giving them the info, dunno if it's true.

>>46261381

I tried pointing out all the members of my legions of doom they'd hacked through to get to me were people with families and friends when they got to me. Classic move, right?

>"So were all the defenseless people you were having them kill, you fucking psychopath."

Boy, I did not know where to put my face. I ended up collapsing the lair and legging it, I was so embarrassed.

>>46261435
That sounds retarded. Who the fuck came up with this?!

>>46261496
Probably some lowly peddler of vague prophetic bullshit.

>>46261533
Oh cmon!!!!

>>46261552
I don't know why people even listen to them, anyway. Why trust a person who makes a living telling every third drunken peasant who passes through their door that they're the "chosen one" destined to bake the greatest blueberry pies in the realm or whatever other nonsense?

>>46256851

One of my master's other former apprentices had a similar problem; his response was enchanted carrier pigeons.

Carrier pigeons sending them the entire monologue (with some minor adaptations to better suit the writen, as opposed to spoken, format). Every 3 hours, day or night another pigeon would arrive.

All they'd have to do to stop them continually arriving would be to complete a small attached test (to confirm they'd paid attention to the broad strokes of his argument, even if they didn't agree to any of it) and return it, via carrier pigeon.

Ironically, it failed completely. Initially they just ate the pigeons or sold them as meat. Unfortunately the carrier pigeon ended up killing one of them who was relying on invisibility and landed on his shoulder.

After that, they just started sending profanity laden replies back via the pigeons.

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Thought this was relevant. It's pretty much how I started out. Anyone else in the same boat? I was desperate to protect my kids after the adventurers killed my wife while looking for halforc criminal... So when they came in I... I killed them. And party after party broke in for vengeance or to take the loot... Eventually my kids grew up and left for their own lives, but I wasn't going to just lay down and let the adventurers that ruined my life walk all over me... It kept getting harder and harder to keep them away. Now I'm sitting here in a fifty story tower made from their bones, surrounded by a moat of their boiling blood, and feed their flesh to the generals of my minion army. Somewhere along the way I lost myself... This is such a slippery slope.

>>46256851
>he isn't even a god yet.
>He hasn't prepared a plan B speech in case the adventurers interrupt.
>Hell, he hasn't even prepared any sort of contingency to deal with sudden attack.
What the fuck kind of Evil Genius are you, punk?
Turns out, the interruption speech was even better than the regular speech. I'm almost eager for them to actually try and cut me out. Admitedly I stole it all from the Evil God next door, but working hard on your own speeches wouldn't have been quite as dastardly, no?
Here I'll pass it on, we villains have it tough already, no need for petty quarrels amongst us.
>What fools you are. I'm a God! How do you kill a God? What a grand and intoxicating innocence, how could you be so naive?

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What did you all get attacked by annoying adventurers as the same time as I? Took me a while to kill the last one, it turned into a freaking mouse and hid under the floorboards. It would have been easier if I didn't ward this whole floor, but thankfully after shrinking him a little Sebastian was able to hunt it down and take care of it.

What's your favorite evil pet?

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>giving speeches
>giving the adventurers time to prepare
>allowing them to even come close to your lair
>not just nuking the entire country they're in
And that's why you "Glorious Single Combat" shitters will always lose in the end. Magical overkill for life

>>46264797
Nah man, you have to give the carrier pigeons a slow acting poison so that it poisons the people who eat the pigeon meat but leaves them enough time to return the bird.

You idiots can't even keep a thread alive, no wonder you keep getting your asses whupped by adventurers!

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Hey /tg/, I've been a dungeon master for close to two centuries now, but I've still got a bit of a problem with my players. They keep complaining about the traps being too lethal or that the dungeon is too maze-like. Just the other day I lost two players to a rock-fall trap and now the rest are all crying and hysteric about it. How do I fix this?

>>46256851
It really is fortunate that these merchants agreed to deliver grains, salt-cod, breads, beers and wines to my secret holdfast.

We'd starve inside of a week were it not for honest merchants.

>>46266375
I've found it both convenient and enjoyable to actually go through this melodramatic stuff via simulacrum. It needs to look convincing to make them think they got the real deal there, but usually just cramming it into heavy plate with full-face helmet or concealing robes gets the job done.

>>46267917
Well obviously the solution is to get more rock traps.

Ex-bbeg here, I just can't get any fucking breaks. Whenever I try to open up a cake shop or anything like that, the only people who ever come in on adventurers who detect evil on everything in the store and attack me when I ask them to put the silver pastry tray down. How's a former conqueror of worlds supposed to turn over a new leaf with adventurers hounding him every step of the way?

>>46268134
Times have changed, grandpa. If you aren't made of dark energy, detect evil won't work anymore.

>>46256851
>Not calling it bb/tg/

>>46268079
My faithful servant once succeeded in undoing the complex seal with which I had been locked in a pocket dimension that way.
The adventurers found him (or rather, his simulacrum) and happily closed in for the kill. He announced remotely that yes, they had found him, and now his plans were foiled. All was lost. Woe was him et cetera and he managed to keep them occupied with gloating over his defeat for almost five minutes - enough time to actually undo the seal and free me only a short distance away.
I was so amused I almost allowed the would-be heroes to live.