Depression thread. Anyone that has depression post your story.

I'll start. First time ever posting something like this.
I spend everyday trying to distract myself from my life. I am so disappointed in myself. I have been on this earth for 25 years with absolutely nothing to show for it. I work full time midnights for a rehabilitation center for traumatic brain injured people and attend college during the day for law. I can only take 1-2 classes at a time because of my job. The girl I dated for 9 years (since I was 16) decided she wanted to move across the country. Before this, we compromised on everything and refused to make the other unhappy. She doesn't have a plan. Just a dream to move. Being an anxious conservative, moving to Colorado sounds like a fucking awful idea. Plus, I need to finish school and cannot transfer my credits because legal assistant programs all around the country are all completely different (and I can actually afford college now because I live in district). So basically we're done. It's hard to even be friends because I feel so betrayed. To make matters worse, everyone including my own family is casting the blame on me. Saying it's my fault this happened. So I try to reach out to an online community of people who seem to have similar scenarios. We talk. For a few hours. Maybe a day. Then they're gone. What is the point of even trying to commit to any kind of relationship when everyone just abandons you? Cont..

>>24537923
There is something clearly wrong with me if I can't even have a decent relationship with people. I do not blame others for this. But I can't make sense out of why no one wants to talk to me anymore. I'm so alone. I used to have a cat that would make me feel like I had a purpose, but he passed away last year and I haven't been able to move on. I think about killing myself almost everyday now. I don't care what anyone thinks, it's my life and I can take it if I choose to. But I won't. Because I love my mother and wouldn't hurt her like that. It's a horrible thing to say... But I have been planning on killing myself whenever she passes. But each day is getting harder. I cannot even keep my grand fathers gun in the house because of the temptation. Before you judge me. Ask yourself. What's the point of living if you don't even feel alive?

>>24537917

I am in a similar place as you, except I'm a fair bit older, and can't even bring myself to work any more. Used to have cars, a boat, a house, but when I lost my job, I was just tired of being alone and saw no point in continuing my misery. Was preparing to die. Getting rid of stuff, affairs in order, then I met someone. She bought me about a year, but I knew it couldn't last. And so I am alone again.

Like you, it is only the thought of my mother that stays my hand. She is alone too and has almost no one. My own friends have long since married and moved on to careers and families. The harder I tried the faster they slipped away. I have guns, and they are a temptation. One day will just hurt too much and I'll walk down to the park and just end it. I've failed at life and the price of failure is death. It is the only honorable thing left for me to do. I tried. I tried hard, but nothing ever stuck and I watched as poorer, less responsible people than myself went casually from relationship to relationship while I had nothing.

I know the failure lies here with me. I blame no one but myself. I'm just tired. I'm waiting for a shake-up, something big, financial collapse, civil war, *something*. But deep down I know it won't save me. The end cannot come soon enough.

You're young yet, and have proven that you can have a long and meaningful relationship. You still have energy. It's not too late for you.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the faggots always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

>>24537985
This is exactly why I posted this thread. Thank you so much for your story and kind words. I actually oddly enough was waiting for something drastic to happen as well. But like you, I know it won't.
But if you say it's not too late for me. I don't believe that it's too late for you either. I just can't even bring myself to try anymore though. I thought getting good grades in college would make me happy or even open up doors to another opportunity. But it hasn't. I'm top of my class and still feel like a worthless fuck. I hope you find peace my friend. I hope we both do

>>24538011
This is brilliant

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>>24538011
This says it better than I ever could:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3nTaL31OkU&list=RDk3nTaL31OkU

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>>24537917
It gets better, anon. I can only hope that you find a great friend that you can laugh and cry with. Give it time and try to go out and find places to meet people. conventions, game tournaments, festivals, and so on.

I'm just some 23 y/o asian edgelord. My sorrow started around 2014. I was in a bad relationship with a girl I met a year before, but I tried my best to make the situation work out. My grades were falling, my plans to go to a college near her did not fall as I intended, and She did not seem grateful for all that I go through to make things work out. This went on for about a year and one summer, I just decided that I deserve better. So I left her. I thought I did the right thing, but I was still hurt and confused about where to go.

I tried to kill myself taking sleeping pills and Tylenol pm's lol... iirc, I took 54 capsules with plum wine. They kept me in a hospital for about 3 weeks. I lied a lot to make my time there short. When I got out into the real world, I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what to do. I still don't. I moved away from my home state to a place where I know no one for school. My feelings are complicated to explain. Its like a sense of loneliness with wanting to die, but I want to live to see the end of this bad movie.

some of my friends back home committed suicide when I was in high school. I always felt jealous and curious about the strength to actually pull it off. When I attempted, It was rather peaceful, but the annoying part was waking up from an abyss.

right now, I'm just trying to make things better. There will be moments where I hope I could find my Ideal woman and just try to make it day by day. Other times, I just want to end it and take whatever achievements I hold under my belt.

>>24538085
Good song man. Heard of this band but never got around to listening. If I may offer my song that brings me comfort. This song says it all without any lyrics.

https://youtu.be/vQqKVeMkHr8

I'm gonna win this thread.

I am a fat (very fat, >350lbs) 30yo man. I don't have a job, i don't have a driver's licence, i never finished highschool. I have a severely mentally ill younger brother that is going to be my responsibility as soon as my parents will die. I often take part in writing contests and was published in my country after winning a big one, of course the editor doesn't even imagine i only have a middle school degree since they never even asked me a curriculum.
I will never amount to nothing,i keep overeating because, along with drugs and booze, it's the only thing that makes me feel numb enough to not kill myself, I'm on a road to nowhere and its too late to come back, the true definition of "no future".

>>24538095
It's extremely hard for me to go out and meet people. For many reasons..
1) full time midnights
2) college
3) social anxiety

My social anxiety is so fucking bad that when we have to do reports in class and present them to the room (10-20 people) I lose my shit and start shaking uncontrollably. My voice is always shakey which just causes me more anxiety because I know people noticed I'm physically shitting myself over a 60 second report on Allepo.

Thank you for your story though dude. I feel the same sense of not knowing what to do or where to go. I hate being bored for this reason. I get trapped in my mind and start thinking about all the negatives. I hope you find someone that respects you equally

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My parents divorced when I was a toddler. My father was a violent meth addict who was constantly arrested, my mother was a nurse. She got custody, most of my early childhood was spent locked in a bedroom as she slept. While she was at work I was with babysitters, she worked so much I actually confused the babysitter for my mother and screamed when she'd take me away.

My only contact with the outside world was staring out the window and watching reading rainbow. She was always messy, but as she worked 16 hour shifts to support me and my sister - she became a hoarder. It started with piles of junk that cats would pee on, but moved into actual garbage, pheces, roaches/spiders, and mold.

I developed kleptomania, and one day while she was sleeping I snuck out and stole some food at the store. I was caught and the police drove me back, arresting her and putting me and my sister in foster care.

Foster care was hell, I was always told I was stupid by my foster parents even though my test scores put me in the 99th percentile. After getting into so many fights I was thrown into a group home where I got into more.

Less than a year later I was put back with my mom. I ended up getting arrested and expelled from high school and losing full-ride scholarships for having a knife. After that I went to the library every day and taught myself what I wanted to learn. Eventually I got suicidal, institutionalized, and thrown into rehab. My mom couldn't afford good insurance so I was dishonorably discharged. Rehab made me way more rachet than I ever was.

Once I got out at 15 I ran away from home and lived in a bando me and my frends found. We had lots of parties and raves, until we were outed. My probation required I stay home so I played video games nonstop as an escape.

I started dating chicks and went through halfdozen of heartbreaks. I think I went borderline eventually and started abusing alcohol, having bums buy it for me. Eventually that lead to getting date raped.

Any ladies in 416/905 wanna come over and kill me? I'd like a woman to be the last thing i see before I die.

>>24538178
I feel like this was supposed to continue

>>24538199
I'd do it if it weren't for assisted suicide being illegal and that i live in 508

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyY7Yvx2PYA&index=11&list=PLRKwlrBUASGs8JZNjPdp92NhQ859mm_Ob

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8QLI39r0nk&list=PLRKwlrBUASGs8JZNjPdp92NhQ859mm_Ob&index=10
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9vzxzjsv6g&index=1&list=PLRKwlrBUASGs8JZNjPdp92NhQ859mm_Ob
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccztRby3FAk&index=12&list=PLRKwlrBUASGs8JZNjPdp92NhQ859mm_Ob
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1rzsT2t2YY&index=39&list=PLRKwlrBUASGs8JZNjPdp92NhQ859mm_Ob

>>24537923
>>24537929
Look man, what makes like beautiful is that we can still find happiness despite how much it sucks. To get to high points in life we need to work through the low points. That sounds awful but I don't think there is much you could have done. Maybe you could have worked out a LDR while you finished college but from the sounds of it, that could be a while.

Youcan't always blame yourself, but if it is really your fault then work to improve yourself on whatever is lacking.

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>>24538178
After that I went to one of my exes for comfort and she laughed at me. My friends chronically fucked me over. I got so lonely and suicidal that eventually I had to change my ways. I got into college and had a stable relationship for 3 years with an intelligent girl. Eventually she got pregnant and had an abortion, leaving me after.
We lived together so I became homeless, I moved back in with my parents and worked my way into an apartment with coworkers.

I had a pit bull that loved me alot and that helped. Eventually I met a girl at a rave who mesmerized me. She flew away a day or two later but I kept in touch. We talked constantly and I was smitten, I think she was too. I flew thousands of miles to see her and I still consider that the best week of my life. I had to fly back, but I had felt like I was truly in love. She left me a week later.

I was really lost at that point and chronically smoking. I quietly did everything I could to help her over a year, I was in love and even if I couldnt be with her I wanted to make her happy. Eventually she came to me for relationship advice and I did the best I could, but internally I was obliterated.

I tried dating another girl to move on. She was sweet and delicate, she said she loved me but I came to find she was lying about an STD she gave me. I left her, and out of dozens of girls she is the only one I've broken up with.

I was confused who gave it to me so I told the girl I flew to see to get checked and how I truly felt about her (it was making the situation life-threatening for me). I'm not religious but vowed to god I'd do anything if she tested negative. She did.

She told me she loved me. I was insanely happy. But I had made a deal with god, and I knew she could do better so I pushed her away for her own good.

I devoted my life to making the world a better place since. I have a biotech startup focused on feeding those in poverty and reducing pollution. I have been lonely ever since, now with PTSD.

32 soon.

Depression held me back. I never felt I was good enough. Felt I was a total piece of shit that would never amount to anything. Spent high school and college holed up in my room/apartment doing nothing. Couldn't find a good job after graduation so I worked shit-tier jobs and enrolled/dropped out of graduate school. Finally somehow found a 'real' job a few months ago at 31.

Growing up with my parents was like living with roommates that argued a lot. They married after a year of a long distance relationship and had me soon after. They didn't like each other for a long time but they stayed together out of an unwillingness to change and obligation to my brother and me, I guess. The idea that your parents presumably loved each other at one point still seems foreign to me.

Trying to finally get into the dating game in my 30s. Think it just might be too late. I feel like most women won't want anything to do with me once they find out I'm a virgin and have no idea how to please a woman. I have no idea how to flirt. I'm no Adonis, but I'm not horribly ugly, I guess.

The bottom line is that I know I should stop being so self-depreciating but I've felt this way for so long it's hard to change. Maybe one day...

>>24538216
it did >>24538262

>>24538262
You sir, are an incredible human. Please write a book about your life. I would gladly purchase this. Thank you for sharing this story with us. I hope you find someone that loves you as much as you love rave girl.
Truly inspirational man

I developed Major Depressive Disorder at the age of 14. Throughout high school I diverted my attentions from studies and social interaction towards suicidal fantasies and misguided life goals.

Throughout college I dated a girl who fawned over my suicidal nature and above average intelligence. In junior year I dumped her and proceeded to have a mental breakdown regarding my lack of effort thus far in life. During this time, I became a "take me back or I'll kill myself" type-ex. After months of debauchery and self loathing, I dedicated myself to tedious study and forced love of all things life.

I am now a functioning, single young adult who views casual sex as some view gambling with cheap wine or weed and goes out of his way to do over the top, extraordinary things for the sake of gathering life experience.

I have two close friends and still suffer from bouts of extreme depression.

I have no desire to kill myself, and neither should anyone with any degree of world awareness.

>>24538423
Thank you anon. I'd like that to happen too.
I will once people know me for more than the obstacles I've overcome.

>>24538178
>>24538262
I have a few questions. Feel free to ignore if you don't want to answer.
But how's your mom now man? Do you still have a relationship with her? It's truly sad what happened to her. But 16 hours shifts? When would you even have time to clean?

>>24538262
>>24538434
If that's the case, you haven't overcome a damn thing.

>>24538462
?? Tf m8

>>24538452
she got out shortly after. we have a rough history but I still love her as any child would their mother.

I will become homeless before I ever go back there again, I had a cockroach try to lay eggs inside my ear there last time. Had to get scraped out with forceps.

>>24538472
Jesus bro. She is still hoarding then??

>>24538498
Yea, I'll probably have to dig her out of it one day.

>>24538503
Is she still working? Same hours?

>>24538510
Pretty much, I think she will retire soon.

She always wanted to get out of FL and live in the mountains. One day I'd like to give her the option of leaving it all behind to come to a fully furnished home in here in the rockies.

>>24538518
A few of my clients at work are hoarders. It's a very difficult thing to overcome. We usually cannot change these people but can regulate their behavior so they are healthy and taken care of. I wish you luck man. I really do. I hope to see a book one day about this :)

>>24538540
Do you still live in Colorado? I'm in Denver. Mountain sunsets sure help the depression.

>>24538585
No man. My ex wants to move to Colorado though. But I cannot do that right now with everything going on (my story is the very first post). I live in Michigan. I love it here. I have a state park pass that I use frequently to go out and enjoy the beauty of nature. Mountain sunsets would be beautiful. But I love my sunsets of lake Michigan. I usually travel up north to a "dark sky" park (meaning no lights within miles - supposed to be the best time to view stars and sunsets)

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>>24538585
Ex took this picture. This was at the dark sky park. Lake Michigan.

>>24538593
That looks amazing! I want to go check out the stars in the mountains but I work too much

27/f

I was abused like shit by my parents, especially psychologically and emotionally. Once, crying my eyes out and begging my mother to just help me, she told me I should kill myself. I did try to kill myself when I was younger. My step sister molested me constantly growing up. I was bullied endlessly by people all throughout school, don't have any friends, and frankly am ok with that. People are fucking scum. Had a longtime serious girlfriend that I moved for (were together for 5 years, we moved to a new state together) who dumped me after the move through a fucking email. Was forced in and out of therapy for years as a child, on and off medications, because I was "depressed" and nobody knew why because parents don't take any fucking responsibility for their actions towards their children. Hate myself. Hate everyone. Read, vidya game and surf the net most of my spare time. Am a writer/artist Got a film degree. I spent the last few days in bed crying myself to sleep (and crying all day in general). I cannot wait for life to be over. God, another possible 50 years or so of this shit? Fuck.

>>24538621
My boss once gave me some really good advice. You cannot take care of others, until you take care of yourself. I understand we are in different careers, but you can still relate to this. Unless you give yourself some time off to relax and enjoy life, your work ethic is going to suck. You will be more irritated, less cooperative, and just not yourself. You have to take time for yourself my dude. I hope that makes sense. I'm tired af

>>24538643
What do you enjoy to read? I myself love reading. Mostly political books though. which I understand is insanely boring. Did you get a job with you're degree? I actually went into music production/film my first year of college but was advised to switch due to opportunities in my area. Which are none apparently. Now I study law.

>>24538718
Your* fml

>>24538718
mostly depressive fiction. douglas coupland, don delilo, haruki murakami, chuck palahniuk, stuff like that. no, I didn't get a job. I haven't had a job interview or job in 7 years despite trying endlessly. I've given up.

how's studying law going?

Found myself in deep cycles every three months
Younger years undiagnosed
Had trouble staying at jobs very long would move and travel and change everything on a minutes notice because of feels
Social as fuck until 17-18 years old suddenly became isolated anxiety ridden sleep constantly to stay up for 4 days straight
Suicidal thoughts couldn't eat in front of people just random weird shit
Difficulty maintaining meaningful relationships
Eventually realized needed to probably see someone about it
Found appropriate coping strategies as well
write for a living
paint constantly
Used to be ashamed of having mental illness now see it as sort of a superpower that helps with my creativity

>>24538745
I'm sorry to hear that. What state? Just curious. It's a very difficult thing to get into unless you know someone that is already in the business. This came directly from my college advisor. Depressive novels? Wouldn't that just kind of create negativity? Yet again, maybe you can relate to them.
Law is actually going great. I'm somehow top of my class (first time ever) which is good and bad. Good because it makes my mother proud. Bad because now I'm anxious as fuck to fall behind.

>>24538750
That's fucking amazing man. What a great ending. Just curious, what were you diagnosed with? Don't feel obligated to answer. Good on you dude.

>>24538825
new mexico. i've given up all hope as far as a career and a life goes. i'm done. i'm just passing time until i eventually die. and yeah as far as depressive fiction goes, it's more about being relatable than anything else. makes me not feel so alone.

well i'm glad to hear you're doing well, that's pretty awesome, even if the pressure is there hah

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>>24538850
That's really sad man.
I'm not really sure how to respond. I keep deleting and rewritting this so I don't offend you. But you have absolutely no relationships with anyone? What about animals? They will always fucking love you. But it's a heart break when they pass.

I love everyone in this thread. We all battle some kind of darkness, yet we still wake up everyday and put on our fake smiles. Don't forget you're not alone.

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Hey fuckers, hate your boring stifled lives? Everyone you know suck? No friends? Living at your parents house? Like the outdoors? 17-27 years old? Wanna see the country and travel around having fun all the time for free? You can come live in my school bus for a while after the winter and take a break from the bullshit as long as youre not a disrespectful piece of shit. If youre interested hit me up at outinnaforest@gmail and we will get to know each other.

get anti-depressants, they do work

t. fluoxetine taker

>>24540210
there's no pill for confidence.

>get over depression and take up a trade school
>before this I just ran away/gave up on everything
>actually manage to graduate
>get a job in the field, do my best
>end up getting treated like shit and move onto another job in the same field
>second job treats me much worse and I end up just dropping out
>meanwhile all my friends/everybody left me in the dirt
>now I have a new unrelated job and nobody in my life
>so much happier without it all
>now im starting to get lonely though

well at least I have bourbon.

>>24540852
that's my problem. i'm not sad, just lonely. i don't want to drink anymore, but all my old friends are still partying and drinking and doing drugs and i don't trust myself to fall into old habits.

i'm not depressed and it feels amazing to be this weightless, but the problems are still there. i just don't care.