I can feel myself slowly going insane /r9k/. I started hearing

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>>39568843
schizophrenic here. on top of that i do meth sometimes so im pretty fucking nuts if u ask me.
embrace the void anon. the psychosis will soon become your new best friend

>>39568977
What about the people I hurt though? I am still lucid enough to realise that others will have to provide for me while I'm stuck in my own head. And I don't know what sort of things you see and think anon but for me it all isn't very pleasant. Of course, it gives me drive and purpose but it's a horrible way to live.

At least you're not autistic.

>>39568843
getting enough sleep? do any drugs?

>>39569216
Doctors say that my verbal communication skills are too good to be autistic.
>>39569309
I sleep 10-12 hours a day, usually from 4 AM to 2 PM. I used to smoke a lot of weed and take cocaine and acid and other stuff, although I've stopped doing it now (mostly because I can't afford it).

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>>39569202
yes you will probably have to live on dependence of the state or others, fortunately my family was well off enough to support me even without the ssi i get. for me im on almost the highest dose of an antipsychotic i can be on, and that controls delusions and voices relatively well, not to the point that i can function in society but it lets me be more at ease. ive lived with this condition for 7 years and you will get used to it. that doesnt mean you'll be able to function. when i used to go to support groups the schizos there ranged from fully functional to literally cant put together a sentence correctly. its a spectrum disorder so you'll fall somewhere within the range. yea i feel like a prisoner of my own mind a lot and wonder wtf ill be doing for the rest of my life but at least i dont have to worry about being tormented by constant hallucinations while trying to function in society. there are worse fates than that of someone with chronic psychosis. also if you dont smoke cigarettes yet theres a 90% chance youll end up starting if youre actually on the schizo spectrum. drugs make it worse but ive been in such a state of psychosis for so long that i actually dont mind it. i've come to view it as a gift from some higher dimension. eventually you'll understand that the curse is really to be a normal human being.

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also the meds are a chemical castration so enjoy probably never being able to have a real relationship. probably some conspiracy behind that but i wont get into it

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>>39569495
I smoke and have since I was 16. I know that is one of the weird unexplained things about schizophrenia that people can't explain, the smoking. The thing about normalcy is that although you are blind to a lot of the realities of the world you also get to enjoy a lot of the material comforts that people like you and I miss out on. Even the non-schizo neets on here get some degree of human dignacy but I feel totally impotent in a sense. The halloucinations are dreadful however and the constant fear and discomfort I live in make it a real struggle to live especially since I live alone.

>>39569579
And ya I have pretty much accepted that I will never feel love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_A_v5f3fjI

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>>39569617
for me i at least feel pretty comfortable at home, when im outside is when things get a little more crazy. when im around people, especially crowds, the hallucinations get to the level where i literally run away. i had to be homeschooled through most of high school because of that.

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>>39569687
I just failed most of high school I'm pretty sure most schizos do. I don't get paranoid in crowds, I get more paranoid in a one on one conversation or when I'm on my own. There is a certain comfort to be found in the anonymity of crowds I think.

>>39569745
when i was in regular high school i failed, but when i took it online i passed with c average. the only thing about high school i miss were my 2 friends i had we'd hang out and do drugs every weekend. i barely talk to either of them now that theyre in college. I wish i had some friends that werent in my head or online. so it goes i guess at least i have my mom, better than no one

>>39570096
You have friends in your head? The voices I hear are usually indirect, although sometimes passive aggressive but they never interact properly with me. I hear a lot of music that isn't there too. You can't really re-do high school where I'm from so I'm kinda fucked unless I do some sort of other course.

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>>39570170
i have 2 voices that i hear pretty consistently and talk to, because of the medication theyre a bit rarer nowadays. but yea most of the time my voices will interact with me although some are just indirect like you said

>>39568843
Being insane isn't so bad as long as you can manage it and don't do anything that will have long term effects.

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>>39570208
Are they nice? Do you miss them?

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>>39570254
yes i do miss my voices when they go. they kind of come and go in spurts i think because of the antipsychotics but when there not around i feel very lonely, well, lonlier than usual i guess. sometimes theyre nice to me sometimes they tell me things that make me confused like "your mom poisoned your food" or "your cat has a bomb in it" but i've kinda learned to brush it off and try to not let it lead to a full blown delusional panic attack

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>>39570329
If I meet voices that I can interact with then I hope that they are just as nice then but I'm not so sure. My visual hallucinations which are usually much more vivid are generally quite hostile so I am going to assume that any voices I hear will be equally as hostile

The redpill is the schizophrenics mind is split into 2 people sharing one brain and body. When one person sleeps, the dream plays out as a hallucination to the person that is awake.

The other person can be dreaming of a clown getting splitroasted and the waking self will start hallucinating a clown getting split roasted for no reason

>>39568843
>I don't want to go nuts /r9k/, I really don't
Why? You are in too much pain. Your body is looking for a way out. Are you afraid to lose control?

I'm sure going insane is comfy. You get insanity bucks, and look at The Idiots by Lars von Trier.

>>39569495
this post doesn't sound psychotic at all.

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>>39570467
do you think that all psychotic people are incapable of stringing together their thoughts?

>>39570414
my visual hallucinations are really just random shadow people and cats i see cats out of nowhere a lot
unless im doing meth then everything i look at is a hallucination holy shit its like 12 layers of psychosis at once, fuckin crazy man dont even consider doing it, i know you wont you seem smart, not like i was when i decided to try it

I want to be schizophrenic. How can I improve the illness that I may have in a very few degree?

>>39570329
>"your mom poisoned your food"
it's quite possible your mom wants you dead. Have you tried psychoanalysis.

As for me, I suffer a lot (neurosis) and sometimes pray for madness to come.
But if I still lived with my mother, or even accepted money from her, I know I'd end up mad, or killing her.

On one hand, madness seems nice, I'm sure I would suffer less. But on the other hand, I feel I'd rather be a homeless living under a bridge rather than let the SHIT win and let them win and accept all the bullshit. Which reminds me of things I read in Alice Miller ("for your own good")

>>39570494
you're probably one of the most coherents.

>>39570556
acid.

>disclaimer : the post actually meant to be short. Anything more wouldn't be more original, but far from it, would ruin the effect.

>>39570546
I smoked a lot of weed and that is what triggered a lot of my problems. I first started seeing and hearing things when I was high, usually I would get into these almost manic states when I smoked it, it wouldn't relax me at all but I still did it because it was interesting in a sense. It didn't start getting scary a few months ago and I've only smoked once since then. I don't like mentioning what I see but I tend to see gore, things like skinned limbs and entrails, usually in the corner of my eyes that dissapear when I try to look at them. It's really fucking disturbing, especially when I first started seeing it and I had no clue what was going on although I am trying to learn how to ignore it.

>>39570556
You don't want to do it anon. I know it sounds interesting but I live my life in constant fear. You seriously will regret it.

>>39570626
I've done it before. I feel much more paranoic when I'm high by pot in public than acid (though I just used 1/4 of it).

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>>39570594
when i used to go to support groups i was around a lot of schizophrenic people, and let me say im much better at expressing my thoughts over text than by actually speaking them. but yea there were some, a minority, but some that functioned well and were able to hold ordinary jobs. there were also some with a specific type of schizophrenia called disorganized schizophrenia that literally speak in word salads. almost nothing they want to say comes through coherent. fortunately im a paranoid schizophrenic so im able to express myself pretty well for a person stuck in psychosis. of all the people i saw in the support group id say i was toward the higher functioning non functioning schizos. like i cant be around groups of people (which is why i dont go anymore cause im afraid ill get killed, much to my psychiatrists dismay) but yea i do alright for someone with so serious a mental handicap
>>39570562
i can assure you my mom doesnt want me dead but thanks for putting that thought in my head very helpful anon

>>39570675
I wish I could see how it is to be a schizophrenic for one day. Sure it might be a nightmare to live with it in everyday of your life.
I have a distant cousin that used to be normal, than he smoked weed for long time and triggered it too.
I'm sure that I'm much more mentally unstable than before, when I didn't smoke weed. As I said before, I feel very paranoic when I'm high in public.

>>39570768
>fortunately im a paranoid schizophrenic so im able to express myself pretty well for a person stuck in psychosis.
ah, that explains it.
I'm leaning towards this, too, though probably on a milder level (tho I have no life atm)

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>>39570769
>I wish I could see how it is to be a schizophrenic for one day.
I know how it seems interesting to you. In a sense I'm glad I'm schizo in a sense because it lets me see the truth clearer than non-schizos (or even other schizos, they obviously don't see the same things I do) but in terms of a life comfort and enjoyment sense it makes just doing things impossible. Weed is a trigger for a lot of people.
>>39570768
I'm the same anon. I speak in word salads pretty badly through speech but over text I can express myself pretty fluidly. My family accuse me of talking in circles but its because what I'm trying to express to them is pretty vast and usually something that can't be summed up in a short amount of time so it ends up sounding garbled and nonsensical, even though there is actual sense behind it.

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>>39570675
>it wouldn't relax me at all but I still did it because it was interesting in a sense
This is me. I still smoke daily even though I have terrible times on it just because it's more interesting than being sober. Every time I get high it's like having a bad trip but to a significantly lesser degree. I know I'm fucking my brain up but I can't stop because I don't want to be sober.

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>>39570675
i started doing drugs when i was 12 years old because my mom was an alcoholic at the time so i was let well i guess i should be on something too so i tried weed then smoked that til i was about 15 or so, i started hearing voices when i was 13 or so hard to exacttly pinpoint it but it was before 15 cause when i was 15 i tried lsd and then i would trip 1-3 times a week with all the druggie kids i went to school with, this progressed the psychosis even further, i never told anyone about what i was experiencing cause at the time i thought it would go away it sounds retarded in hindsight but hey. graduate from homeschooling at 18, take a massive dose of 2c-b to celebrate, went fine, thought i would be able to handle college, get there and boom the minute i sat down in my first class is when the delusions started, thought i was the captain of a spaceship from another dimension etc etc 19 i get diagnosed with paranoid schizo, not to anyone surprise, my dad thinks im a failure because of it but thats a whole other story then my weed dealer offered me meth and my dumbass was like sure i just got diagnosed with a severe mental condition let me take something that is incredibly addictive and could potentially make it permanently worse and boom got addicted over the course of a few months, to be honest it hasnt made it much worse but it will if i dont quit which is why i deleted my sketchy ass dealers number and am going to exclusively use kratom from here on out and did i just type my whole life story on r9k whatever fuck it lets post it who cares

>>39570768
>but thanks for putting that thought in my head very helpful anon
Just a suggestion, a possibility.
Come on, just evaluate this proposition (your mom wants you dead) with facts.

Maybe I'm "projecting", but hell, we're just talking. I know when I asked my mother if she loved me, she would get really mad, would sulk, shrug, appear wounded, slighted, hurt : "That is *obvious*. Of course. Can't believe you're doubting this"

And between all this she would never say "I love you".

Can your mother tell you she loves you, and mean it?

If you wanted to hear only "sensible" things, you would stick to your psychiatrist, and avoid places like this.
I'm here to give you the full /r9k/ experience.
I believe that the voices that mad people hear are not mad. I believe it's pointless to try to push these thoughts away. You have to listen. Why are you afraid your mother could want to poison you? Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn't.

As for me, I used to be afraid of knives. I haven't seen my family in ages, but even with friends that did me nothing wrong, I'd see a big knife on the table, and think "WTF?". Why the fuck would they have such a big knife, and put it on display? I'd try to deny my thoughts that I wanted to take the knife and kill them.

I didn't get better through pills or getting trained to discard those thoughts as "mad". I got better by acknowledging my rage, self-assertion (affirmation) therapy, etc.

There are probably some form of issues with your mother, and I think you should address them. Those weird thoughts don't come from nowhere.

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>>39570960
Yeah, that's how I was. It was in those states that I first started halloucinating. Please be careful anon, you don't want to end up in a similar mental situation to me.
>>39570986
Ha it's okay anon, I've done acid and 2c-b too but not meth at all, it's not really something you get here. Some people can do all the drugs they want but others like us end up getting fucked by them. It's not fair, and it doesn't help that addiction runs in my family.
>>39571009
I think you speak sense but we don't know anon's situation it seems dangerous to try to convince him of this without knowing all the facts. If you genuinely think that he is in danger then maybe you are right and you are doing a good deed by trying to help him not get hurt by his mother but honestly I don't trust you, you seem like a shit stirrer.

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>>39571009
there definitely are issues with my mom, but none that i think havent been resolved. when i was a kid she basically chose alcohol over being a parent. she would go and drink and give me money for whatever i wanted so i got the idea of spending it on drugs from seeing her intoxicated all the time, she'd bring over these strange men to drink and have sex with ( our rooms were far apart fortunately) in order to fill some kind of hole in herself. you may be right in saying that because of all this i dont really trust her and partially blame her for my substance abuse problem. but im happy to say that today shes 2 years sober and we have a great relationship that is very open, i talk about everything to her and she does with me, hell we even watch anime together sometimes. but uh yea perhaps its because all those years of neglect, which she has repeatedly apologized to me in tears over, that i cant really trust her.

>>39571213
>shes 2 years sober and we have a great relationship that is very open, i talk about everything to her and she does with me, hell we even watch anime together sometimes.
that's real nice.
me moms is the battered wife of a high functioning paranoid (a physician).
she can't get better as long as she's with him, so I've had to cut all ties

To all the schizos here. How old were you when you became schizophrenic? How did the transition feel? Were there any signs that something was off with you before the psychosis started?

>>39571351
somewhat similiar to my family, my mom divorced my dad when i was a baby, they had a huge custody battle, but my mom got me, which even though she was a terrible parent, im thankful for because my dad wouldve been even worse. My moms side of my family is full of schizo addicts basically my grandad was the only successful one he ran a company that was very lucrative that he sold off later and has a lot of investments in stock. its because of him that my mom doesnt have to work and that i could live without worrying even if my schizobux were cut off. but basically my dads side of the family are all hispanic, he came from venezuela when he was a child shipped by his father to a military school and i think its because of his childhood that hes very status oriented hes very successful at his finance company job and has a huge house that he basically bought for my slut of a step mom and step sister (when i meet them i literally do not say a single word to either of them, they can fuck right off as far as i see it they stole my father from me) but my dad really isnt a great person either, he is constantly traveling for work and almost never home (im almost 100% sure his new wife cheats on him while hes gone shes far younger and far more attractive than him) and his side of my family are all the same way, they care about how they present themselves to others before they care about themselves. So when my father gets asked by his co workers hows your son doing, he's pissed that he cant go oh he's a successful young man i dont even know what he tells them, lies im sure. he met with my psychiatrist one time and literally told him that he doesnt think that mental illness is real and its just an excuse. my psychiatrist asked me to never bring him back to his office after that one visit. anyway im really rambling here still recovering from the meth relapse first day sober and man does meth make you talkative. ive reached the limit if you want more story ask for it

>>39571517
mine started when i was 13 or so and progressed slowly until i exploded into delusions at 19. when it really took off it was like there were other people stuck in my head and we were all trying to talk at once. before i was psychotic i was an obese child and a complete loner had no friends. those may have been warning signs

>>39571629
>So when my father gets asked by his co workers hows your son doing, he's pissed that he cant go oh he's a successful young man i dont even know what he tells them, lies im sure.
same here, probably.

nice you mother got divorced, sometimes it's better.

don't worry about being talkative, it's nice.

>>39572002
when i was a really young child i would always ask why my mom divorced my dad, but they never told me, guess they wanted me to figure it out on my own, which i appreciate in retrospect
whats hilarious is when my crohns disease flares up my dads the first one to be like oh no im so sorry that sucks but when i got diagnosed a paranoid schizophrenic the man didnt even bat an eye like wtf is wrong with you dog? hearing voices that arent there and believing your god isnt a problem? but yea my moms psychotic bipolar and she really lost it after i was born and my dad just would not understand her illness whatsoever he basically just told a depressed psychotic person to pick herself up by her bootstraps and give her mind a firm handshake and ask it politely to function correctly. shits wack dog im fiending for some meth so im gonna take some kratom instead savin brain cells one good decision at a time

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>>39568843
I'm in the same boat senpai
I've got some relatives with psychosis and recently had a genetic test done that confirmed I had some genes associated with it

I'm hoping my weird symptoms are just anxiety induced DP/DR and paranoia, and the hallucinations are just a passing thing

I'll be fine right?

guys i've been away from r9k for a few months, what happened to the tsuki/systemspace hysteria?

>>39570423
This is the first original idea I've seen in a while. Good job anon.

>>39572312
Have you really had absolutely no contact with science fiction on any type of media?

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>>39572272
my advice would be dont play with fire and do any drugs and it could just be a passing thing

>>39568843
What do i need to do for a brainscan?
I want to see if im mentally ill

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>>39572580
i dont think theres any scans that just outright show if you have a mental illness but when i was first seeing a psychiatrist i had to get an mri of my head to make sure it was all in my head and nothing was physically wrong with me dont know if that helps

>>39572636
Thanks retard it helps :)

Schizophrenia is not permanent. The major effects die down after a while. If you don't want to go insane fucking seek help.

>>39572986
And get drugged and brainwashed by the fucking reptilian Illuminati? No thanks Sir I like my pinneal gland.

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>>39573774
hes right im gonna stop taking these antipsychotics ill be just like harrison bergeron