Depression and social anxiety

>>39552808
>Does anyone else here hate living, or going out in public due to depression or social anxiety?

No offence but literally why even ask that you know this board is full of fucking mentally ill shut ins, it goes without saying.

my depression and anxiety get worse when i'm high. I think of super dark shit

>>39552808
Yeah. I get along fine in spcial situations, except that I look so visibly uninterested people stop talking to me. I just don't want to interact with people and when I have to it feels empty as hell.

here's a video all about it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO1mTELoj6o

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>go outside
>think that all the people in their cars are staring at me and making fun of me

>think about going outside to go to a nice shop to buy something special
>take a few steps outside
>start crying and turn around and go to bed

>sit next to my open window
>hear people laughing
>shut window and go to bed

>be in bed
>think about dying

>>39552808
>depression and social anxiety for the past 4 years
It doesn't get better. There was a brief two week period where I willed things better (psycho-positivity-garbage, didn't end up working).
Found a girl though. Not a gf or anything just someone I liked, we talked a bit and I found myself out of it for near 6 months. After that it was right back down the rabbit hole.
Feels bad, but hey, melancholy and sadness are the seeds from which the fruit of introspection springs.
Hang in there dudes. It's all we have to do.

it feels like I'm fighting to stay above water, only to die of starvation or thirst. To postpone a worse death for a better one. Does anyone else feel this way? Living to die?

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>>39552808
schizophrenic here. i also suffer with depression and severe anxiety/paranoia the only thing i find solace in any more is hard substance abuse i buy meth from a 60 year old dude i met on grindr and use benzos and kratom for the comedown. as you may imagine all the substances have quite an effect my sanity so i bounce between periods of sobriety and using to try to keep from becoming an absolute vegetable. but to be perfectly honest using sucks and being sober sucks slightly more it doesnt get better. also nibbler gang we out here in the 336

>>39554928
>schizophrenic
Sorry anon, that must suck. When did you get symptoms?

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>>39555478
since i was in eighth grade, roughly. I wouldnt see i psychiatrist until i had already graduated as i thought it was something that would just go away but it only got progressively worse

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>>39552808
Social anxiety but also alienation, whenever I meet people I always feel like I'm the only odd one out, have nothing in common with them, their personalities don't match with me. I feel like everyone is one big friends group I'm excluded from.

I feel like I have to put an act and become a different and it's all so tiresome. I crawl social interaction, just seemingly not with anyone I've ever met.

>>39555558
What symptoms did you notice first? Sorry if I'm being annoying, genuinely curious

>>39555645
it started off with auditory hallucinations, namely voices it was like having an imaginary friend or as some robots try to create a "tulpa" quickly i started noticing more and more voices until it got hard to distinguish who was who. visual hallucinations after that, for the most part shadow people, cats, and the occasional odd looking monster thing. then the delusions came. i thought i would be able to handle college with all i had going on and the stress of it made me explode into complete delusions. i thought i was the captain of spaceship from the future, that i had been captured and stuck into this life as a simulation, and that i was always being watched(still get that one to this day) after i wouldnt talk to anyone for a week and dropped out of college i told my mom(shes schizoaffective, basically the same thing) and i saw the psych got put on antipsychotics and antidepressants things slightly improved. I still have trouble going outside and being around groups of people even on medication, i live with my mom whos very supportive since she has the same issues, but unfortunately my dad just sees my as i failure due to my mental handicap. he sees it as a bad reflection on his status that his son isnt in college or working and is on ssi. so yea there u go that should answer most of ur questions

>>39555741
Damn, sorry captain

>>39555741
Sounds rough man

> run a TTRPG online
> have four players
> two of whom hit it off really well together, and with me
> helped the two friends get together
> they're happy as fuck now
> haven't met IRL, but are going to before the end of the year and are so stoked about it
> realise now that I cut myself out of a section of their life
> realise that they're not going to really need me any more
> they don't need my advice or me to do the high-school trick of he said, she said
> they're both on the other side of the world to me
> they both have literally become my best friends
> realise that, if I'm lucky, I'll probably see them MAYBE ten times in my entire life

And then related to that and a bunch of other shit, I've been feeling like trash for like two months (well, more than usual), went to the GP, answered a few questions, turns out there is a medium to high chance I have moderate depression.

I still don't buy it and I feel a little bad because it's almost like I'm cheapening the problem for people who legitimately have it.

>>39555898
A bad mood and moderate depression can be mistaken for each other. Hopefully you don't have depression. I have the severe clinical kind that runs in the family, it isn't anything to be proud of. Sorry that you're feeling alienated from those two, there are plenty of others to spend time with. Think about how happy you made them though!

>>39554810
Sort of, I'm not really anxious but I'm pretty depressed. I got put on lexapro and now instead of just thinking about dieing I'm actively planning it. I still don't know if I'll do it but whatever.

>>39555741
Yikes, so sorry about the way your dad treats you, I got called weak once by my dad when I got emotional and it still gets to me. Can't imagine how bad it is in your shoes.

>>39555944
Yeah I dunno hey. Like I'm too cowardly to kill myself, but I've been thinking recently that it'd be super nice to just pack it in without it being my fault, so I wouldn't have any guilt about making friends and family upset. There's a bunch of other shit alongside, you know, the friends thing. It's all over the place. But thanks to socialised Australian healthcare (and because I chose not to pay for it), it'll be like 4-5 weeks before I end up seeing anyone anyway, even though I told the doctor that suicide looked mighty nice from time to time.

I'm honestly probably just overreacting and I'll settle back down to being my shitty selfish self after a while. It just, you know, normally doesn't take this long.

And yeah, I made them happy. But I'm a shitty sort of person. Now I'm just angry and resentful because I helped them, and they're happy, and I'm still not. Basically, whenever I help someone, I want it to fail, so they can still be miserable, but so they like me for trying.

>>39555944
Also mum dropped a bombshell on me last year that she had been suffering for months and was on some pretty heavy happy meds and just never told me, so who knows, maybe it does run in my family and I've never noticed. Time will tell I guess.

>>39555988
Same with me actually. It really sucks. I want to die but I know she will kill herself if I do and I don't want that guilt. At this point I don't even fear death but since I find it unethical to kill my mom I stick around.

>>39556107
> At this point I don't even fear death
You feel me. I don't particularly WANT to die (well, like, often), but I'm at the point where I wouldn't be too phased if I was in a point where I was going to. I'm more afraid of the pain than anything else, and > noguns where I am. Like if I was trapped in a room with no way out and carbon monoxide was seeping in, I'd be chill with that. Just have a bit of a nap and never wake up.

That, and I'm curious as fuck to see what happens after. Way I see it, it's a win-win-win

a) there is no afterlife. My consciousness disappears. I feel nothing
b) there is an afterlife, but whatever religion you are has nothing to do with it, and it's simply based on your good and bad deeds, and I am an OK sort of person, for the most part
c) you go to whatever afterlife you either believe in, or are most likely to believe in. I rock up to the pearly gates, St. Pete tells me I'm an apostate and don't believe in the Lord, I tell him Christianity is based upon forgiveness and I'm really sorry. Checkmate, and in I go

>>39556153
I don't fear pain, I hurt myself. I really want to die as well. I cut right below my left ribs and think about how if I pressed a little harder it would all be over. I figure that either
>there is no God and it's over
>there is a just god and I deserve what he dishes out
>there is an unjust god and I was doomed from the start
I'm okay with all of these. I just want to break out of the mortal coil. The only thing stopping me is guilt. I'm okay with going to hell and burning, it's probably what I deserve. I just want some finality to my existence.

>>39556223
>>39556223
I can't stand the pain desu.

To each their own, but I genuinely think you shouldn't kill yourself, regardless of guilt.

>>39556243
Why not? To be is temporary, to not be is eternal. Whatever we do in life is infinitesimal compared to the void.

>>39556287
So enjoy this life as much as possible before you move on. You're getting there sooner or later, why rush? It's why I'm not going towards it willingly, but won't panic if it comes by a little earlier than expected.

Life gets better in the most unexpected ways. It's why I doubt I have actual depression.

>>39554428
This is how I feel most of the time. I only go out if I have to these days, even though I would like to go out on more nightwalks/nightcycles. Even when I have to go out I fear everyone is looking at me, staring at me and laughing at me. I feel like the only reason I am here is for the amusement of normies.

>>39556305
>why rush
Because I hate my own existence

>>39556351
I know enough that I can't tell you what to do, and even if I did, you wouldn't believe me. You know your own situation better than I do. I can't tell you not to do it, but I don't want you to.

I guess you could also become an adrenaline junkie and have fun beforehand. Try new things and wait for the day your parachute doesn't open.

>>39554928
why would anyone name a gang the nibblers