impulse. the blade is in my hand and its meeting my skin and

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impulse. the blade is in my hand and its meeting my skin and wow, that was a hard drag. one, two, three, four. there is more blood than i would have imagined. hands to face, sob, bawl. on my knees, blood pooling on the floor. i touch the blood and i spell the word "FAIL" on my leg. failure, failure, greedy little bitch. i am unworthy, i do not deserve the air i breathe or the space i take up. i'm a failure and a liar and an insane little girl. manipulative and dirty. i am repulsive, vile.

i hope the lines scar, i hope they sink into my skin and remind me of my failures.

i'm spiraling. the switch has flipped and i am sinking down into the depths of destruction. i am sylvia plath in a bell jar, i am deaf, dumb and blind to everything. i am alice in wonderland falling down that rabbit hole. i've been taking diet pills, i've been purging into plastic containers and hiding them under my bed when i can't get to the bathroom without being found out, i've been fasting and cutting. my face is sunken in, my eyes are red and puffy, my body is ice.

i want to be held by brian, i want to be 'safe' in his arms, although i know i'm never safe, for i am my own enemy. i'm losing my mind, i'm becoming someone i don't know. slowly. i don't know who i am or if i'm sleeping or awake. i don't know what i look like, i don't know why the mirror can't tell me the truth.

i am holding my ribcage in my hands, bones at my fingertips. they are pressing into my skin, my skin is shrinking. i willl have them piercing out by the end of this, i need this. i need them, i need them.