The story of a decay

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>>39162888
I grow more and more disgusted by them. Rodger's kind of feels for his fellows asian geeks, they reminded me of my social failure so I hated them even more than normies because they were alive images of my own failure. Especially toward girls. At that time I was so in love with two of them that I wrote nearly 100 pages of shitty poems on them. I still have those text somewhere on my old pc. Needless to say, I never managed to send those texts or even to attempt anything with those girls and suffered because of that. But more than that, those geeks disgusted me with their general inaction. I legit wanted to explore abandoned houses, to take drugs, to fight vilains and to save princesses. Sure, I liked video games just like them. But it was more of a poor substitute for real quests and adventures for me. Something that could make me feel that I was a hero and give me some meaning. But clearly not sufficient nor satisfactory. I tried to push them to do other things, adventures with me, some exploration, some travel. Even when I managed to get a bottle of good liquor, stoled in the family basement, and proposed to them to do a party in the woods with it they refused with no man we're too young for alcohol, we were 14 at that time. This is what fuelled my hate towards them. The fact that they were exactly like normies, refusing to do anything abnormal, anything that could put them in peril. Normies conform themselves to their social norms, to their little world where they act exactly as they are supposed to. So do those crypto robots, playing vidya all day and contempting themselves with tendies and WoW. I eventually broke up with them, and started to hang alone because I couldn't stand them anymore. That only fuelled my feelings toward girls, I basically totaly lock myself in litterature and poesy and do nothing more than reading poesy and dreaming, waiting to find my princess and love her and travel the world with her and naive things like that.

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>>39162935
I can't say I was exactly depressed at that time, because even though I was alone, I still hoped for love and for a great future full of heroism. Though it's definitly here when began my abnormal view and relationship with girls. I actually idealized them so much that I wasn't able to sexualize them. Of course, it's at that stage that puberty hit me hard and that I began to have urges. But I autistically and unconsciously separated the two domains of real life girls that I viewed as asexual idols, that I just wanted to hug and love, and the sexual domain, reserved to the nocturnal porn activity in which I purged all my dirty and violent urges. See, there is something inherently bestial, dirty, violent in sexuality. People who are sane understand it very soon, and don't repress it. They accept that violent nature of sexuality, but they also accept the sentimentality and affection that is another part of relationships. The two are melted together for them, and it's normal, they want to savagely fuck the same women they want to hug tenderly as they should. Though, when you're a little beta romantic teen who is confined in a world of litterature, you can't manage to that blend between those two ingredient because sexuality seems abnormal to you and thus you separate the two. The desire of real girls became purified of its sexual element and thus became abnormaly romantic, absolute, "pure", which led to an inability to correctly seduce womens. The sexual desires, also became separated of their sentimental elements, and thus became abnormaly kinky, degenerate, violent. This is a pathologic and dangerous condition, as you will see it later.

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>>39162950
A big change occured around when I was sixteen. First, it was another establishment, in France you have two establishment, first the college between 11 and 15 years, and then the lycee between 15 and 18. Needless to say, people are less dumb in general in the second one and the retarded ones don't even pass the test to enter the second, so, the general atmosphere is a little better. Also, you meet new people since there are in general three or four colleges in one city but one lycee. But the main change that occured at that time was personal, I started to interest myself to other kinds of lectures, not only poesy and litterature but also political ones. Mostly reactionnary and traditionalist kind of lectures. Evola and Guenon of course, but not only them, also a lot of french royalist authors (like Maurras, De Maistre and other counter-revolutionarry materials). Of course, I didn't understand those authors totaly. I even sometimes totatly reversed the sense of their writings. Evola would spit on my sentimentality, Maurras was a pragmatic who didn't like dreamers and so more. But that didn't matter for me, I found an enemy to make responsible for my sufferings. I used those authors and their texts to form a worldview who was a little caricatural at that time, even though even today I still think there is some truth to it. That is that the modern world killed idealism, killed heroism, killed any form of life that isn't purely tied to the material goods. That the french revolution was the cataclysm that symbolize the definitive passage from the heroic times, those of the knight, the aristocrat, the warrior-monk, the great sufferings but also the great yearnings of the soul to the disgusting reign of the bourgeois, of the banker, of the interest, of comfort, of weakness, of atavistic pleasures. It gived me an perfect explanation, a perfect scape goat to explain my sufferings and my incompability with the world.

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>>39162960
In the same way MGTOW dudes seriously think feminism is the only responsable for the fact they can't get laid, I basically blamed the fact that nobody was idealist and romantic on the modern world and the french revolution and its progeny ( all kinds of leftisms ). So I began, not only to read, but also to talk to everyone about it. It somehow killed my shyness and my original angst due to my early rejection. I had the feeling that it was too important, that I had to convice people, no matter if they accept me and what I have to say or not. Turns out, this kind of worked out great for me. See, I live in south-east France in a coastal town. And south-east France is full of right-wingers, for a lot of reasons (for instance, the fact that most pieds-noirs, the french who lived in colonized Algeria and get thrown out by arabs after the independance, came here). So the sons of those right-wing people, naturally were inclined to that type of speech. Even if they didn't understand totaly what I was saying, they liked the fact that someone actually trolled leftist teachers, returned their arguments, and generally was defiant to them and their worldview. I actually had the "edgy intellectual" reputation. I was invited to most parties, people saluted me at school, sometimes random people just went talking to me. I didn't belong to a group but talked to everyone and sympathized with everyone. Do you think I used that temporal popularity in order to meet a girl ? No, of course I didn't. I was still hoping to "meet the one".

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>>39162970
My other half. That I needed. Even when I was at parties, tottaly drunk, and some girls were clearly interested in me I spended my time asking myself stupid questions like " Is she made for me ? " and eventually lose her interest after too much waiting, which was fine with me anyway, since the only thing I wanted was the one I could share my life with and not some girl who lose interest after two hours if I don't answer to her signals. Nobody knowed that I was a virgin, maybe some people suspected it, but since nobody saw me with a girl, but other argued that I was just secretive about my private life and other things like that. So, no huge stigma about it.

But I wanted more than just talking to teachers and convincing some friends that the modern world needed to be destroyed. I wanted to fight, I wanted to take real political actions. I more or less get introduced to the local far-right circles. And that was a huge disappointment for me. They were litteraly white thrash. The kind of guys that do parties and have fun putting vodka in their eyes for instance. That the sole political goal was to scream " nigger " in the streets. I tried and tried to talk with them, to give them proper lectures on what was tradition, the modern world. It was useless, the only thing that interested them was to order new pairs of boots on the internet and provoking people. I slowly started to realize that those people will never accomplish anything, and that if that's the kind of resistance the modern world encounter, then the fight is already lost.

It's also at the same time (I was 18) that I had my first real huge sentimental deception. I met that girl, with her long black hairs, her clear blue eyes, her air of candor and majesty when I was walking home from a party. She was just passing in the streets, and it was actually the first time I tried to directly approach a girl in the street, but I don't know I feeled that I needed to do it.

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>>39162984
I managed to talk to her without losing too much spaghettis, a little awkward but after ten minutes of talking she agreed to give me her number. After that, we talked for week by texting, everyday, and I felt more and more in love. Sure, I had some great fondness for some girls before that, and even to the point that I wrote non-stop about them but, this time was different. Before it was more fantasies about falling in love, I was more in love with the idea of love than with the girls really. Here, it was real, I was in love with her and with nothing else, and to this day, I never felt the same feel with anyone. She was a tourist who spend some days here for her holidays. We eventually meet up a night, next to the beach. It was the end of august, around midnight. The beach was empty, and a full moon was lighting the sand, and her. She was here waiting. When she see me arrived she smiled, I will remenber that smile forever I think. We talked a little, flirted a little. And I finally managed to man-up and kiss her while holding her. She hold me back, very strongly also. I never felt more alive than during this moment. We talked, hugged and kissed for the rest of the night. When the sun was stood up, she tell me that she had to go, that she needed to take her train to go home. I didn't realized that she had to go home this soon, but for me it didn't matter, because I was sure that it was the women of my life, that we will see each other anyway. Right ?

Turns out we never did. The more time passed, the less she answered my messages. Until the point when she don't answer at all, despise all my desesperate attempt to meet her again. I can't even hate her for that. For her it was just a cute night of a summer, not the beginning of something else.

But it basically destroyed all my delusions. I started to feel like I was lying to myself for so long. That there was no " half " that I will meet one day.

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>>39162995
That all of this was lies. That no one was waiting for me, far away. That I lost all my occasions of getting laid for lies. But that wasn't even important. That was not what made me suffer the most. I didn't even care about getting laid, what's the point ? The thing that I searched the most on earth was revealing itself as a lie. And not because we live in the shitty modern world, I feeled more and more than romantic love is something that never existed outside books. Some quotes about Evola and women came back to my mind, about their fundamental attachment to the physical reality, to the material aspect of life only. I initially rejected those quotes due to my idealization of womens but now I started to accept them. Which only made things worse. Unable to trust love, unable to trust in a future revolution against the modern world, unable to even trust the validity of my caricatural distinction of the perfect past against the horrible present, conviced more and more than the things were like this basically since the beggining of time, I basically lost all my will-to-life.

It was the beggining of the uni years, and it sure began badly. I registered in a semi-prestigious generalist uni, that proposed every kind of courses, litterature, philosophy, history, latin and other things. I never went to those courses though, I spend my times like a larva in my small student flat, just went to the exams and passed them in order to have my year but it was all, spending my time on the chans and sleeping, sometimes reading but a lot less than before. It lasted six month, six month of pure neet life.

It all changed when I read Pascal though. It was the basic intruction to christian thought about life, man, God. Not just a meme attraction to "muh tradition" but a real understanding of christian themes and their meaning. It basically put me out of that hole of despair.

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>>39163008
I never was too religious, parents agnostic, and even during my edgy traditionalist period I never really interested myself to the real conceptions of christianity. I was more larping on a muh traditional society vibe than really understanding what said societies have to said about life and man. Pascal was a mind-blowner for me, because he manage to put a name, and a real name on my problems. Namely, that all human desires are infinite, because man's real need was the need of God, thus the need of absolute. That man, in all the things he seeks, always put that need of infinity, wether it is wealth, conquests, or womens, because what he really seeks is God, the absolute itself. That his heart, which is made to meet God, when he don't know that God exist, try to find infinite in other, mundane, terrestrial things. And thus, that he can only suffer from this, because the object he view as absolute isn't, and his heart can't settle for the only limitate pleasures that those things provides. It was interesting for me on a psychological level, because I understood that the way I view women was pathological for a very simple reason. I put them at the place God was suppose to take. I view them as absolute, as well as the relationship I should have with them. In other words, what I do have a name : idolatry. It still didn't imply that Christianism was right for me though, but it showed me that the core of my problem is that I used the basic human psychological function that is inscribed in human psyche, the function that serve to venerate and to love God, in the wrong way, in my love for women.

I started reading more and more christian theology and philosophy, and became more and more happy and interested. I make some friends that shared my tastes, had a lot of interesting parties and discussions. Find interest in my studies again, and started to attend regulary the courses. In the end of that year, I even had a girlfriend for a month.

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>>39163018
I wasn't particulary in love, she neither. But I gived up on the love ideal already, I just wanted a sane life and some happiness. But it was still kind of strange. We slept in the same bed for two weeks, every night, and nothing happened. I told her I was a virgin in the beggining of our relationship, she was kind of surprised but still, she told me it was fine and it wasn't a run anyway. But I litteraly never make a move towards more. I hold her tights, kissed her, touched her a little but it was all, really. I still don't know why I didn't try to do more. The main reason, I think is what I explained in the beggining, with the duality of porn ireal sex life/real girl idolatry and asexuality. Even though I gave up the women-idolatry and understand how flawed it was, I still have the effects of nearly 7 years of romantic thoughts who negate sexuality in real life, and let it in a purely virtual, pornographic sphere. Having a real women in front of me, in my hands wasn't a call for desires. My mind was too ill from that autistic duality in order to have a normal sex life. We continued to see eachother, to hug kiss and talk for sometimes, until it was more and more cold between us. So, we decided to end the relationship there. I was 19 at that time, and given my recent lectures, I didn't hopped for the perfect love anymore but just to found a family with an adequate girl, to act morally, and even if I wasn't sure of that, to hope for the after life and to meet God. So, that little relationship ending didn't affect me really. Neither the following one, that were mostly flirt and never led to sex. Anyway, feeling myself more and more interested to christianism, and stopping considering it just for its psychological descriptions of human nature but for its potential truth, as a religion, I wasn't sure that I even wanted to have sex.I thought that given that I started to consider Christianism legit it could be coherent to keep my virginity for wedding.

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>>39163030
But with time, doubts appereared. And I spent one year in that state of doubt, torn apart between a more and more serious interest to Christianism, and heavy doubts, a lack of faith. As much as Christianism seemed to me as a philosophical system coherent, I couldn't manage to live it with faith. I couldn't manage to pray. I couldn't manage to really BELIEVE. Which is the core of the problem. You aren't christian like you are aristotelian, you don't only agree with a set of values, with a pack of doctrines, you live those values, you live those doctrines, you try to connect yourself personnaly with God. And I never managed to do that. Thus, the situation was more and more difficult psychologically. Because I believed in doctrines but not in their source, because believing in pascalian philosophical conception of mankid doesn't make sense if you don't believe in the God that is revealed in the scriptures which are the basis of those conceptions. I had enough of this, and more time passed, more I cared less about finding truth. I just cared about finding happiness, and I just wanted to have a girlfriend and have a chill summer with her. And Guess what ? I find the cute girlfriend in question, I find the cool summer, and we chilled, drink, spent times of the beaches, kissed and it could have been perfect really. But it wasn't. It was rather catastrophic. Because we finally get to the point when we had, or rather tried, to have sex. Except I couldn't. I simply couldn't. All my hopes, my fanatical search for the girl of my life, my search for God, all of this came back to my head. And I realized that I was to the point of making love to a girl, that was also a virgin by the way, that I didn't even love.

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>>39163041
That I've lied to. Not directly, of course. Not with words, but with my way of interacting with her, to act as if we lived something incredible while it didn't mean a lot for me. That and the fact that, as I said, I was really too used to desexualize real women, it really maked it impossible to get hard, to have any desire. Do you know the feel, for a young women, when she's about to give her virginity to someone she likes, to see that he don't have desire for her ? All the questions that could go in her mind, like " what I have did wrong ", " Am I ugly ? ", " Am I undesirable ? ". She wasn't. I was fucked up in the mind, that's all. That's basically what I've made her go through. We quickly break up, mostly because the situation was too awkward. And I can't stop thinking about that day, since one year.

What after that ? All kind of things. I've tried, without success to get closer to God. I've even spent ten days in a monastery, praying everyday. It was beautiful. The landscape, the prayers, the bells, the life, even the manual work that you do there seems to be purified by the ambient air. The monks are one of the nicest and deepest humans you can encounteer in this world. But despite all this, I still can't say that I believe. I still can't pray more than ten minutes without telling myself " come on, stop, you don't believe in this ". I'm now approaching my 22th birthday, still a virgin, still without real certitude about God and life, with the fault on the mind of having made suffer a girl, without any goal. You know what's funny ? After all those years, I've gone back to the starting point. The only thing I want now, is still adventure, going hitch-hiking in Europe, and hoping to find the perfect girl, somewhere that will welcome and love the beta-knight who travel around with his backpack. I'm 12 again, but with a lot of bad experiences in extra and without the hope that I will find what I search one day.

>>39163061
The fuck anon why just why ever how could you fuck up so bad how

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>>39163081
I don't know, really.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do now either.

>>39163170
I just finished the first book in this series, it was v v good.

>>39163061
you seem to have reach a point similar to me but 10 years faster

for advice i can say that there seems to be a real distinction to be drawn between belief and faith
the former should be reserved for the logical realm of the natural sciences and logic, checked by doubt and skepticism
and the latter given up to the infinite mysteries and god unreservedly and unquestionably
there is some play there between them, to keep you on your toes but eventually there should be a clear demarcation for you
or so it seems to be, but i'm not quite there yet myself

one more thing
>It all began with books.
be very careful with language especially when its been so rarefied, and constructed
it hints at life but only that much
try to suppress or subsume the words that direct your thought and roam in the memories of your flesh

and thanks for the longpost, it was a good read

>>39163274

My pleasure really. And yes, I agree with you with the physical/metaphysical reality. But the thing is, when you feel you can't believe in the metaphysical realm and its possible truth, you don't really know what to do.

>try to suppress or subsume the words that direct your thought and roam in the memories of your flesh

Thanks for the advices. It's really difficult since I don't write in my mother tongue tho, like finding the accurate words or the one that are closer to my feels are kind of difficult.

You're a failed normie, I'm 22 and have none of this experience. If you keep trying you'll probably find an answer. Meanwhile I've been neet 6 years and can't socialize outside my parents and siblings.

>going to college between ages 11 and 15

What the fuck France, that's not college, that's middle school.

>>39163498
Ok, I didn't know how it was call in english.
In france we call the school for those years the "college", so, I understand this is confusing.

>>39163463
if you were to write this in french, where could you post it?
does france have an /r9k/?

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>>39162888
Have you read any of St. Augustine's works?

That was a great post, I read it all. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

>>39163575
Nowhere. There's jeuxvideo.com but it's canceric and full of edgy teens, not a real /r9k/ equivalent.

Hence the fact that I suffer to write this english despite having difficulties with here. By the way, is it still readable or does the way I write sound weird ?

>>39163611
It's a little awkward at times, but I was able to understand what you were saying.

>>39163597
Yes, I'm a huge fan of the confessions.

Also, one of the only work of Arendt I actually love is a commentary on Augustine " Love and Saint Augustine ". I really advice it if you're fond of St Augustine. ( I'm not the fan of the rest, her concept of the banality of seems fallacious to me as well as her understanding of society in general )

Everything you said about the modern world being overly materialistic is absolutely correct. There's little sense of duty and honor in society anymore. Just ME ME ME ME!

>>39163675
It's true. But the real danger, especially with radical traditionalism, is to justify every single default you have because of the state of the world.

It's basically what I did when I tried to understand my inability with the world with a critic of the modern world. Sure the modern world is shit, but that romantic conception of girls isn't traditionnal either, it's closer to catharism and idolatry than anything, and a badly understanding of feminity either.

First, fight and try to heal every single defects you have in your soul. Then, fight and try to heal the world. Otherwise your fight against the world, which is justified, might became a justification of your flaws, and it's dangerous, on a psychological like on a moral level.

>>39163496
But isn't robotism a condition of incapacity to interract normally with the world while failed normie are just people that have a normal condition but due to various things, drugs abuse, economic failure, are excluded from the society ?

I don't know if I wasn't a weirdo since childhood desu.

Though I agree that I still have more "experiences", but for what in the end though ?

>>39163560
In English "college" means fraternities, bongs and keggers.

Op, are you me? I had exactly the same experience growing up with idealized chivalric love and violent sexuality. I wish more people understood this feel.

>>39163954
Fucking troubadours fucked us in the mind bruh.

>>39163061
It's because you know religion fills the void with ether. It's nice words and everything but deep down you know you're lying to yourself.
Yes. Religion fills the need of transcendence, to be important to someone, etc. you're literally blue pilled
-you write very well anon. With that words you certainly know how to captivate a girl-

>>39163954
>>39164076

Oh and there's actually a very good book writted by a christian moralist/historian about that.

It's call " Love in the Western World ", by D. de Rougemont. It's basically a deconstruction of
courtly love, showing its religious cathar background, and opposing it to Christian Love.

It's really an interesting book, even if you're not religious, it's kind of interestings to see how the romantic love is born in the West and how it is tied to cathar symbolism.

>>39162970
MGTOW isn't about getting laid you dumb faggot, it's about the fact that society is gynocentric and even trying to get a wife is fucked. All the risk is on the male; you can be divorce raped at any time. MGTOW = realizing that the game isn't worth playing right now, as it's rigged. It has to do with avoiding relationships due to the fact that women have nothing to offer but their sexuality. Being MGTOW doesn't necessarily mean you don't have sex, I'm sure the more attractive MGTOW guys just fucking FWBs constantly, they just deny them any form of commitment.

>>39164186
What does man seek the absolute if He doesn't exist then ? Why can't he have finite desires like animals have ? Why does he always try to seek for the absolute if someone didn't leave the mark of the absolute on his heart ?

Thanks, my real problem more than seducing is to be able to have a normal sane relationship I think.

>>39164226
I call it MGTOW mentality, because most of the times the edgy teens that go by this label on the chans mostly complain about not being able to get laid and then proceed to blame it on feminism, as if the problem was not more deep. The problems you evoke exist, but let's be honnest, the core base of this movement, on this site also, doesn't care about divorce rates, they are too young for that and mostly care about being able to get laid.

>>39162888
Those are some nice trips
Also, your English was very good, I wish I was that good with my French, guess I should go and practice
Also bump

>>39164226
>taking this much issue with an offhand comment about some faggoty internet "movement"
>"MGTOW isn't about blaming feminism for being unable to get laid, it's about blaming gynocentrism for being unable to get a wife" as if the subtle difference between these is important enough for you to post this
Stop taking your gay reddit bullshit so seriously

>>39164365
*Why does man [...]
** at least on this site

Bumping for a good longpost

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>>39164365
God is real and he's in your head. Your ego's desires cannot be satisfied not because they are infinite, but because the abstract desires were never real in the first place. They are a product of your imagination. Live in the real world and embrace God as you should, that is in the moment, right now.

>>39164634
Will think of that. Thanks.

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>>39164525
Thanks. Last bump before going to sleep it's 5:20 am here.

Nigga I ain't reading all that shit. Someone give me the Cliff's Notes.

>>39164977
This young nigga taked Tristan and Iseult too seriously.
Autism ensue

Bump for longpost.

>>39164374
>duuuude bro just stop taking everything so seriously, man
>everything's just like.... RELATIVE, maaaaan!
>vapes
>opens up /r/cuckoldcommunity

>>39164374
Except it's not about being unable to get a wife it's about the risk you take and the fact that it's genuinely not worth it right now.

Because meeting someone once, having sex maybe twice a month for a year, having a child, marrying that person then getting stuck with her for up to 10 years until she decides that you're boring and asks for a divorce is stupid.

Especially considering she takes the child, along with a pension for the kid and 50% of your money each month.
Let's not forget about the house and all the other things included.

>>39165762
Damn, I guess you're right, I didn't consider that. Nevermind then.

>>39165823
it's called being a perma-bachelor and men have been doing it long before you figured it out. my uncle is one. Maybe it's the logical thing to do right now, sure, whatever, I don't care. Mostly I just want to tell you to fuck off for associating yourself so strongly with a group of retarded cringeworthy redditors who couldn't get a woman if they tried

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>>39163061
good story, I read it all and we have a lot in common. your duality thing reminds me of the mary/whore duality in joyce's "portrait of the artist as a young man".

While I was super romantic, I did find love at 16 and we lasted a good 4 years, I can't find anything else comparable. I hooked up with one girl (which took 4 or 5 attempts to actually get hard), then dated another for almost 2 years, but I couldnt love this other woman, she wasn't sweet and feminine like my first gf, she was crude and disgusting sometimes. But I realized I dated the first girl for 4 years, but never really knew her, never even saw her without makeup. My second gf (that I just broke up with because of her negativity and bitterness were finally too much) was more mature, and more of a real person, which isn't good when you idealize someone.

Anyways, I don't have answers, I jsut want you to know I'm in the same boat as you OP. I'm American but if I were french I would totally be your friend. de Maistre is the bomb, read Spengler is you have't.

>>39165860
>Maybe it's the logical thing to do right now, sure, whatever, I don't care.

Okay then.

I'm glad I changed my mind and actually read it. It was pretty interesting, OP.

Are you me? Aside from some minor differences like me being Russian you literally described my life.
Excellent thread, OP.

nice read french anon, i could relate some parts but im too much of a home-sitter like your wow friends. somedays i just lie in the bed contemplating why i dont an hero myself.
about the monastery , how did you join them for a week? i wondered about that option as well, though eastern religions feel closer to me on a personal level. you know dressing in orange, tending to trees and tigers,standing on one finger etc. Even as a fat neet, this future seems more realistic, than finding my comfy princess (similarly to your story)