life

>was born some random day
>once managed to fap without hands
>will probably die at some point

>>38998727
>i had the misfortune of being born
>my oneitis called me a manchild, a coward and a weakling before telling me she didn't wanna talk to me anymore
>i long for the sweet release of death everyday

>>38998727
>Dropped out of school at 16
>took over as owner of aunt's convenience store because she's a lazy count
> run on autopilot while at work

>>38999166
Cunt*
Fucking autocorrect

>>38998727
>once broke my ankle during a particularly intense fapping session
>have been happily single and virgin all my life
>life goal is to live alone in a welcoming place, with always an extra bed if a friend in trouble needs a place to crash

>>38998727
I pissed my pants after school waiting to be picked up as I was too shy to go back inside to use the school toilets.

I pissed my pants in karate class because I was too shy to ask to use the toilet.

I regularly get caught outside now desperate to pee and a little pee sometimes leaks out while I search for a toilet.

My mother says my bladder is like a little girls, the size of a thimble.

>>38999232
>fapping
>broke my ankle
what the fuck

>dated two girls at the same time in school garden
>Got invited into cool kids Facebook group
>Got told by friend I look sexy without glasses

>>38998727


Well, just random shit from brainstorming:

>had anger fits as a kid, bashed some girls face in with a basketball, broke her glasses
>made out with a 3/10 chubby girl and fingered her at some party, regret it deeply to this day but am happy that I was too shitfaced to actually fuck her
>burned down a playground with a friend for shits and giggles

>>38999398
How the fuck do you burn down a playground?

It's all metal and non flammable plastic.

>>38999423
There are wooden playgrounds in Europe

>>38999360
There's a story behind this.
I was trying edging & denial for the first time and I was so focused on what I was doing, I didn't realize my left leg went asleep cause I was sitting on it.
Then suddenly, a powerful urge to pee. Am I going to let that ruin my first try at edging play? Fuck no. I decide to get up, run to the bathroom, and get back to the business at hand.
Except my left leg wasn't cooperating anymore so it collapsed under me and broke my ankle.

>>38999441
Well yeah but it's all thick wood. Did you douse it in diesel or something?

>>38999442
I know it must have been painful, but if that happened to me i would laugh my ass off.

>>38999463
I'm not the pyromaniac anon

>parents die in an earthquake
>go to prison
>hallucinate a conversation with a dog on salvia

>>38999506
Why did you go to jail?

>>38999521
Felony posession of a weapon

>father was an alcoholic when i was a child, found him passed out once and unwittingly stepped in his piss. i'm glad he's dead.
>deliberately mocked a group of drunk football hooligans so they would beat me to death. turns out they wanted to rob me more than beat me
>the only girl that ever found me attractive over the course of a year turned from interested, through indifferent, distant, to hostile. my feelings for her died when i hacked her email and found she laughed about my depression and pain with all her friends for most of that time.

>>38999540
Where i live the penalty for that crime is a very high fine, confiscation of all weapons and at worst home detainment.

>>38999603
I spent 22 months in prison. The gun i used was also used in a home invasion and i almost got charged for that to, but they dropped it because i got a good lawyer and witness testimony. I got a felony on my record thougj and i'm still on probation

>>38999645
That's fucked up. Why didn't you buy a legal firearm?

>>38999658
I wasn't using it for legal purposes

>>38999469
My first thought was SHIT HOW DO I CLOSE THE PORN WINDOW
I lived with my parents at the time. I made up an excuse about tripping over something.

I did laugh my ass off. Actually as soon as I landed on my ass and the pain kicked in, I realized I had injured myself via fapping and it was already hilarious in my mind.

This is kind of my badge of honor.

File: hellyeah.jpg (38KB, 405x343px) Image search: [Google]

38KB, 405x343px

>>38998822
Are these triple dubs?
Congratulations, anon.

>dropped out of high school, enter neetdom
>bully choked me against wall after I made fun of him
>mom found the girl database

>>38999828
Whats the girl database?

>had sex with a guy even though I'm straight
>shat on the street once
>shat through the window of a 14th floor and it landed on a car's roof
my life is shit

>get molested by older male cousin (i'm male)
>crush hits me with a stapler when i try to touch her hair
>get fucking SHILLED by a golden retriever on my 18th birthday in front of my whole family

>>38999842
Messy profiles of every qt at high school that I had a crush on. I recorded their physiques, personalities and interactions they had with me to reflect on later. I regret nothing and would do it again.

>>38999945
What did the dog trick you into buying?

>>38999949
I had a similar thing, but I just recorded how much I liked them and what color panties I'd seen them wearing

>got married
>committed to a psych ward
>stood in a freezer for two hours for a job interview

>>38999953
Fucking Nintendo Power magazine subscription.

>>38999966
>what color panties I'd seen them wearing
these things were very important to me but sadly I don't recall ever collecting any data like it. I envy robots with fapworthy memories.

>>38999915
All 3 of these point to you being indian

>>38999166
>lazy count
Fucking politicians am I right? We should hang every single one of those cake-eating counts!
Same with the Earls, Jarls, and Lords!

>>38999949
I think something similar has been posted on /r9k/ before, I've seen a screen cap.
I used to stalk my oneitis but I think this is kind of next level.

>did a back flip out of a plane while tandem skydiving in Alabama
>was institutionalized for homicidal ideation
>have kept four cacti alive for over 3 years and counting

>>39001227
I have a christmas cactus that my great great great grandmother passed down to me
Those things fucking live forever

>>38998727

>Survived a school shooting
>Worked as a bar tender in a little comfy hole in the wall
>Did gay porn

>>39001441
That makes me unbelievably happy, I love them like children.