>be me >be clinically >be clinically depressed >live

>>38944737
Inb4 walk the dinosaur to Belair.

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>>38944737
Now, in order to continue, we need to establish my brother
>paul
>13, and autistic as hell
>he treats his room as a trash can
>literally throws everything beside his bed, even when there's a trashcan in the room
>has been wearing the same dog hat for 7 years, I don't think it's been washed either
>has an obsession with coke cans
>literally thousands of coke cans in the corner of the room, all under his bed
>me and my dad have started calling it coke mountain

>has just hit puberty
>plays with his ding ding literally anytime
>ill be right in front of him, looking at him, and he just won't stop playing with it
>i have to say things like
"Stop playing with you dildo dude"
>and he says
"STOP FUCKING TELLING ME TO STOP FUCKING PLAYING WITH MY FUCKING DILDO. I'LL PLAY WITH MY FUCKING DILDO WHENEVER I GODDAMN FUCKING PLEASE!"
>he calls things dildos. Anything he doesn't like, anything that is funny, any thing that is lightly phallic, is a dildo
>he likes to disappear when we're in public, to do pranks on the store
>mischievous little shit
>one time he completely destroyed an entire toy aisle at dollar tree
>got us banned from every dollar tree in my state
>is "homeschooled"
>supposed to be taught by my dad
>fights everything my dad tried to do
>dad eventually have up
>yelled at me whenever I brought it up
"Worry yourself, alright? I don't remember you going to school last week!"
Cont.

>>38944986
Red letter media just uploaded a vid, so if this thread is up when I get back, I'll continue the tale

>>38945010
this thread is not allowed to die on my watch

God damnit dont leave me hanging

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>>38944986
>cant really hold down a job
>last job was at local Indian pizza place
>made literally the worst pizzas and delivered them to the shadows part of town
>multiple times while delivering to a shitty motel 6/super 8, I've been asked if I wanted "some ice"
>make 5 dollars an hour, 2 dollars for every delivery, and tip
>usually get no tip
>constantly think about taking the money after a busy night and mover go back
>was getting paid under the table anyway
>try to listen to happy music while driving to avoid swerving into the oncoming lane
>just ended up never going back
>didn't save up much money, and spent it all on weed
>got kicked off Obamacare
>fell through a hole, so had to get on my mom's insurance
>she works for the state, so she gets good insurance, thank God

>have been to a mental hospital once before
>it was about 4 years ago
>went to an IB highschool
>hard as shit, taking college classes
My lineup looked something like this
Spanish 4
Calculous 1
Guitar 4 (they taught classical guitar)
American literature
Theory of Knowlege
>had to take 4 years of a language, and be fluent enough to pass a test at the end of the program
>with an IB diploma, as long as you passed your classes and passed the test, you could start college as a junior
>oh, and get massive benefits from most school world wide
>literally free rides in some cases
>spent most of the time at the school failing, not really doing my homework
>took so many sick days I had to do spring intersession
>but I did good in tests, so my teachers passed me anyways
>the school felt like a big family, with 27 people left in my grade, because of how hard the school is
>but all my friends got weeded out. I was a social outcast, and my only friend was my gf
>fell in love with her in 7th grade, started dating in 10th
>she had friends, but same happened to her.
>both super protective of the other. We were afraid the other was cheating.
>it was a shitty relationship really. But that booty bounced
Cont.

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>>38946327
>my dad didn't want me to be like him. He dropped out of school to work, and got his GED 2 years afterward.
>i would get home, and just lay there. Not doing anything but starting at the ceiling
>i wouldn't eat until everyone else ate, because I didn't want to deprive anyone else. I wasn't worth the food
>evrything that I did eat, ended up on the floor of my room.
>i would get the food, and bring it into my room, and stay there until I needed more food
>avoid all interaction because afraid of dad
>after one night, when I really fucked up at school, and I really fucked up with my gf
>my dad was yelling, stomping, slamming around
>destroying my room, throwing half empty pizza boxes across the room, knocking over miscellaneous cans
>some empty, most not
>was was so afraid, I didn't want it to happen again
>tv was broken, top part of my door was broken because he hit it in too many times (pic related)
>when he went outside to take the battery out of my car, I hid in the backyard until he was done
>when he stopped, I booked it up the street
>started heading in the direction of my gf's house
>called her and asked her to get me
>i could see my dad's car looking for me
>he knew what area I was in
>i called my gf, let's call her V
>she asked her mom if she could get me, and explained my situation. But it was late and she really didn't want her to go.
>she went anyway, and found me.
>tears streaming down my face, she comforted me, and for that moment
>I knew I was okay.
>I was safe again.
>I didn't need to worry anymore

>for the duration of my time at my school, i was borderline suicidal
>it was a miracle I lasted that long, my psychiatrist said
>i was brought to a mental hospital, and admitted at 4am for suicidal thoughts and attempt
>i didn't really attempt, I just said I did. It was just a cry for help, I didn't really know what to do
>was in acute surveillance, for the week I was there
Cont.

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>>38946646
>day 3 of mental hospital
>wake up at 6, brush my teeth, get dressed, go wait in the common area
>wait for breakfast to be served
>they ask what I want for tomorrow's breakfast
>always say cereal. The ham and cheese was nasty
>after that, we start group therapy
"Hi I'm anon, and I'm feeling happy today"
"My goal for today is to have a positive outlook on life"
>thats what you said if you didn't want to stay there longer
>it was safe, but my mom's house would have been the sensible option
>just away from my dad, all of this wasn't necessary
>in the moment, this felt like the right thing to do
>but I quickly grew to despise the place
>have to sit in a room with psychotic people, and listen to how nice it was to stab someone
>young meth addicts, sex addicts, 6 y/o autistic nightmares
>counselors hated their job
>one morning, they pulled the fire alarm at 4am
>we had to crowd at the end of the hallway, right under the siren
>it was deafening, and it went on for 30 minutes
>people were screaming with it, but i couldn't hear them over the siren
>multiple people tried to run out of the fire exit, but they got tranquilized
>i knew they did this, because of the "cool" councilors told another in the laundry room

>only thing to so, is talk and read a book
>most of the time, I was reading, but I did grow fond of a couple people
>one, Savannah, would flirt with me, saying she's jealous of my gf
>she was a 8/1 blond, slightly masculine, but just enough for the boyish charm
>inb4 trap
>inb4 traps aren't gay
>tried to get her Facebook before I left, so we could chat it up outside the place
>of course this is prohibited, and this wasn't her first time in one of these. So she didn't add me afterwards.
>get out, taking Prozac (awful), and go to see all my friends
>literally two people, V and Erwin
Cont.

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>>38946956
>i didn't have any secrets with V
>sometimes it felt like we're one person
>all the nuances of each others personalities sort of blended
>it was magical, it was my first time falling in love
>i told her about the girl in the hospital
>and she finally had something to be jealous of. There isn't much to be desired in my life.
>her mom's side was loaded, and so was her dads.
>although she wasn't rich herself, she definitely didn't struggle.
>sort of a generic basic bitch, who was really good at art
>a little aspie, but very sentimental
>whenever something that she planned comes to life, she can't help but feel like she was in a movie

>erwin was that drug guy
>is in a band, who makes really shitty "noise" music
>just banging guitars on drums, and breaking amps
>showed me 4chan, so a very negative influence on my life
>he left my school early, and started going to generic inner city school, who's average ACT score is 16
>when I got back to school, I knew I had to move
>school was too stressful for me
>moved to shit school with erwin.
>ditched classes with him, skipped school to do acid
>dad never yelled at me again. He never had to, or that's how I look at it

>V broke up with me, for someone at her work
>my heart was obliterated
>i couldn't ever drop her, she was my first love
>i tried to get over her, I tried a rebound fuck
>i was too awkward for normal social interaction
>i have one more connection to the outside world
>he introduced me to 2 mates that he hangs with
>idaho and yueh
>idaho was a year younger than me, and an asplord mall ninja
>yueh was a jackass, and tried to manipulate as much as he could from everyone. Has his own apartment so we crash there after a long night often
>became best friend really quickly
>hang out and smoke weed with them nearly everyday
They exposed me to 'fun' drugs
Cont.

Also here the pic of the door. I forgot

anyone wanna die peacefully and alone? i just wanna fade away in my sleep

im too afraid to go outside with a gun because i know people wpuld cone tunnibg and inlive next to an ambulabce station so i feel like i could survive easily and thats scary.

youd prolly end up in an old folks home

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>>38947397
>trying to get over V
>go to local hipster gentrified neighborhood
>old, so there aren't just hipsters, but also hippies
>do lots of fun stuff, like snort cocain, try adderall, lots of xanax, lsd, not-lsd, mdma?, mdma
>get a xanax script from psychiatrist, forgot about the next 3 months
>i guess it helped me forget her, but there's still the voice in the back of my head
>drumming, pounding sometimes
>"V, V, V"
>i never thought of anything good, just bad. How I messed up. How I coulda done better. How I let her slip away.

>after multiple attempts from my 'friends' to kiss me
>hands on thighs, unwarranted comments on me being a good trap
"Do you have a mommy fetish? Like someone force feeding you?"
>it was always in good spirits, but it still bothered the hell out of me
>erwin wrecked his car 3 times in the past week
>got a used one off craigslist each time
>wrecked it, in the same way every time
>get tired of his shit, I don't care if he wraps his car around a light pole someday. He doesn't listen to me, and forces me to sit in the pass anger seat
>no more

Now I'm back to square one, sitting in my house, garbage slowing piling up
No friends to speak of, alone for the first time in a long time
>start going to community college
>cs major, because money
>get 101 in beginning programming, but had a 114 at one point
>faggots at the back of the class trying to get me to do their homework
>lol if u can't pass this u don't deserve to
>start skipping school, at college, it doesn't really matter that much. As long as you keep your grade up
>almost failed a class, but I did a bunch of extra credit

>one night, trying new pills
>prescribed lexapro and trazadone
>stay up all night staring at my computer monitor
>not really doing anything, just staring as a fly flew around my face
>its morning now, and I feel the feeder caked onto my face
>hey, I'm gonna take a shower
>wake up in er, I had a seizure
>cant drive anymore
>start taking bus
Cont.

eat shitt op

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>>38947593
>i don't know what I expected when I started taking the bus
>homeless people? Addicts? Business men?
>just normal everyday people as it turns out
>and multiple homeless people
>i knew they were homeless because they always rode when I rode, and they always wore the same clothes
>one homeless man, was more of a hobo
>he had green pants, and a patchy coat
>cut up gloves, and a funny hat. Had a little pushcart, that doubled as his basket, and a walker
>he would hit people being disrespectful on the bus

>one lady gets on, and lights a cigerette
>hobo turns around, and stares
>he get up, and starts his way back
>oh boy here we go
>take earbuds out to take in the situation
"YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WAS IN YOUR HOME!"
>he starts ramming his cart into her leg
>he grabs the cigarette, and puts it out on her arm
>and everyone clapped
>actually, i was the only one who clapped
>boy, tough crowd
"Even though I'm old I can walk the extra two blocks"
>he says the bus driver kicks him off

>at school, met a couple of people, as well as old classmates from IB school
>have an overwhelming desire to kill myself whenever I see one
>sometimes they talk to me, and ask how I am
>i know they pity me, I can hear it in their voice. Guess they don't want to be shot when I come rolling in with a trench coat
>met older woman, who's really into computers too
>she had an acid trip that made her love CS
>whoa, me too!
>shes really nice, and helps me with my depression
>helps me with my English homework
>when we proofread each others essays, she always tries the extra mile
>i always tried an hour before the class
>but I have her valuable insight on her essay. She cared very much about her topics, and I could share that enthusiasm with her
>i just wasn't passionate about writing. I have lots of good ideas, but I can't put them into words.
Guess that's why I'm writing a greentext
Cont if there's any lurkers

>>38947885
Lurker here keep going

>>38947885
att leastt one(1)

>Normalfag who got into highly prestigious college with full ride and gf
>Absolute degenerate who hangs out with delinquents and does drugs
>Posts are so messy I'm questioning my own reading comprehension, understanding of the English language, and whether or not English is OP's first language
>reads like babby's first greentext
Holy fucking shit kill yourself you massive faggot.

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>>38947885
>be 2017
>switched to a new medicine, 40mg paxil,
.1mg clonedin
>new medicine puts me I to deepest depression I've ever had
>talk to doc about it
>referred to new psychiatrist, who recommends a psychologist foe me
>think I'm a little bipolar, and a little ocd
>wants a psych evaluation before he prescribes anything
>i just want off paxil man, I don't want this
>V reaches out to me, wants to try and be friends again
>the voice comes back
"V, V, V"
>try for awhile, but it was only over text
>she would come off as disinterested, and robotic
>ask her about what books she's been reading
>suddenly, she would talk and talk
>she had a passion for books, and she was talking about how great Hemingway was
>recommends me a book, The Sun Also Rises
>read it, it wasn't too long. Took me a day
>didnt really like it
>recommends me another book, "Farewell to Arms"
>right up my alley
>instantly in love with the book
>it's about an American in the Italian army in WWI, who falls in love with a Scottish nurse
>she gets pregnant, and they escape from Italy to Switzerland
>they never got married, because they didn't have any money
>she dies giving birth
>and that's all

>start getting those feelings again
>remember old song, that we would fuck to
>what is this?
>are you some kind of a hypnotist?
>waving your power around

>write a long email, confessing my undying love for her
>she says we should meet up for coffee
Cont.

>>38948290
you know there are people here who cant even afford antidepressants right

stopped reading at trip.

im still interested opee. but shaking my head u should have typed it out first :'(