/cripplingdepression/ general

doing good how are you?

idk why but i always just want to die but not in a painful way or have to decide to kms if that makes sense. i feel like since death is inevitable i want to just fall asleep.

is there an easy way to die without having to actually kms per se? like how to get a pulmonary embolism or brain cancer? i dont wanna attempt and then live and actually attempting is something that is too much for me and feels overwhelming even though i really truely wish i would not wake tomorrow

does that make me a pussy? i know
my parents would call me an idiot and tell me i couldnt even kms right if i lived

>>38860668
garbo i have no life plan im just kind of existing.
No real way, helium maybe but good luck finding non spiked helium. And you're not a pussy for being scared of all that, like death is frightening for pretty much everyone.

Hey Skeleton.

Currently stuck in an "I don't deserve love" depressive episode; deleted Tinder, cancelled plans with friends twice this week, I really don't leave the house except to go to work.

Did you wind up finding a job, Skelly?

>>38860787
Tinder fucking sucks my dude i've deleted it multiple times. I'm sorry you've cancelled plans, you are loved and deserve love, ipromise

and yeah i found a job i enjoy, its only part time and doesnt pay much though

Just finished up another 40 hour week in a 90 degree lab with 60% humidity. When I started this job in December I weighed 165lbs, now I am under 150. Also the new manager they just hired is a piece of shit and treats me like an underling and doesn't consult me or even inform me about decisions regarding my lab. The girl he hired last week quit this morning, apparently with a good amount of screaming involved. The place is so fucking toxic, everyone hates everyone. The one good thing about the evening shift is there are rarely more than 1 or 2 people in the facility with me for most of my shift, so I just get to hear about the drama and not be a part of it.

>>38860851
jesus christ my dude what exactly are you doing? Thats awful, you need to get out of there

>>38860632
When did you begin to do these threads? They were already here last winter.
You remind me how bad I failed to progress anywhere in my life this year, it's very upsetting.

>>38860883
2+ years ago
fell off because its hard
I'm sorry my dude, i haven't really gone anywhere either

>>38860905
Sometimes I feel like this place is dragging us all down and then I realize that most places on the internet are even worst for mental health from a robot's point of view.

>>38860982
i'm never even here anymore, just come when i'm feeling garbage lol

>>38860866
It's a cannabis extraction and distillation lab. I was told when I was hired that part of my job would be operating the extractor, and the other part would be working on the analytical side of things, operating the fancy lab equipment I went to college to learn how to use. But they baited and switched me, I do run the extractor, but most of my time is spent grinding weed, doing dishes, and lots of menial lab work and data entry that any moron could be trained how to do. I have been hounding them for the past 6 months to train me on their chromatography equipment, and just this week I started getting trained in sample prep. They are doing an amazing job stringing me along, giving me just enough so that I don't quit and I keep asking for more. I hate these people, but once I am trained in HPLC my net worth goes up considerably, so I am going to try to hang in there. Summer is almost over, it is going to start cooling down soon thank fucking christ.

>>38861013
jesus, never realised something like that could be so toxic. I'm sorry my dude, good luck <3

>>38860632
I finally got home after visiting my grandparents for a week, and saying goodbye to my grandmother. My flight was delayed and cancelled and delayed again, and I arrived home over 24 hours after I was supposed to. Now I'm alone for the first time since she died. I keep myself from crying because that's not what men do.

>>38860668
Get a helium tank and a gas mask you can even tell Its not painful you will just fall asleep and then die

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>>38860632
You still don't have any skeleton memes to go with your schtick? I'm pretty disappointed.

>>38860632
>mom almost dies from heart attack
>realize I feel nothing
/dead inside/

>>38860632
why is your life hell? describe how you feel exactly and your current situation. Are you a NEET? It seems impossible to handle a job if you live depressed.
What's your opinion about psychologists, psychiatrists and medication? have you tried them?
what's your opinion about suicide? I would probably do it this very night if I had drugs.

>>38861028
Thanks man, I got into cannabis because it literally saved my life and I am passionate about the science behind it and because I think even recreational weed can help people. But the guys with the money who start these companies? They don't give a shit about the plant or the consumer, they saw a market with massive potential for growth, and nothing more. I've been with two companies in two states in the past year, and the guys at the top are total fucking dirtbags. Really hope that isn't the case 100% of the time.

>>38861111
Sweet quads. Also I'm a big fan of cannabis as an alternative to alcohol as well as using it for a mild medicine. It sure can kill a little pain or make you feel better when you're nauseous.

One big downfall I feel is that I no longer have any clue what I'm getting. Names don't seem to mean anything outside the scope of a dispensary now. I know if I order the same stain at the shop I'll get the same thing but who knows if it is real Blue Dream or AK-47 or what? I simply don't trust the purported lineage of strains anymore.

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>Found out my meds are for Major Depressive Disorder instead of just normal depresion.
>Ok.jpeg.
Feels good to be mentally ill, right guys?

>>38861041
I'm so sorry anon, also fuck that. Men can do whatever

>>38861059
eeeee

>>38861111
Well im glad it helped you a ton. Sorry the industry you're in is so shitty :(

>>38861076
whoa, were you close?

>>38861397
Its probably the worst thing ive ever felt

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>>38861433
Stop squealing like a girl, you depressed mess.

I thought you were kind of getting a leg up last time I saw one of your threads. What happened?

>>38861433
you replied to everyone except me you stupid piece of shit. fuck you all and your crippling anxiety lol

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>>38861470
I'd like to feminize and fuck OP to be straight with you.

Seems like it'd be fun.

>>38860632
Im tired. I don't really want to live anymore. My family hates me. I can't realize any of my dreams. I'm not pretty. Everyone hates me. I ruin everything. People hate everything I make. Everyone tells me to go away. I overreact. I'm never good enough. The person that I thought loved me refuses me and pushes me away while still demanding I care about them but telling me in an idiot when I do and that my love disgusts them. Ivee given up. U have a disability hating in a few days and Im sure they'll find me not disabled. I think if that's the case, I'm just going to give up entirely. I'll just lay here and stop eating and do my best to just die. I can't anymore. I have nothing left. I can't be positive out hope. It's all gone. It's all failed. I wish my family would ask die so they didn't have to experience my death. I am so tired. I don't even have the strength to do drugs anymore. I'm just laying here.

>>38861433
Yeah I know.
I was being sarcastic.
Guess that's just another thing I can't do correctly.

>>38861527
If Donald Trump could become President of the United States of America you can get up. Let your will triumph over the misery.

>>38861111
maybe fucking gary johnson he was
a weed ceo i believe
better for him then politics

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>>38860632
do any antidepressants actually work
i've been on like 10 different ones with no luck

should i just become a heroin addict and fuck it all

>>38860668
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_death
Is this what you are looking for?

>>38861459
im bad thats what happened

>>38861470
oops, sorry im playing the one thing i can actually focus on right now :(

Anyways, give me one second and ill answer everything in a meaningful manner

>>38861488
hot

>>38861527
How long have you felt like this anon? And does your family know about this?

>>38861556
sorry, a lot of people feel like that here

>>38861661
yes, they're keeping me alive
and no

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>>38861719
>yes, they're keeping me alive
would you care to elaborate on what you're using?

>>38861078
my life is hell because i make it that way. Im stuck in my shit habits along with my mental illness, leaving me to feel garbage all the time.
Not a neet, have a job. Its very routine so its actually pretty comforting.
They help, but not all help right. You gotta find the right ones, and it can tak e awhile to find that person/meds who can help
Suicide is rough, it really hurts people around you but i get why it happens. I want to die a lot, only dont because it would devastate my family

>>38861741
i'm on wellbutrin, onlything thats ever really helped me

>>38861719
My entire life and my family doesn't care or love me. I give them unconditional love but they don't like me much less love me.
They just ignore me and pretend I don't exist or tell me I'm a loser or an idiot or i look like a faggot or something. They cook good for them as a family and exclude me and don't cook any for me.

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>>38861741
damn, tried that one
gave me some pretty bad side effects

I just took a test to see how different psychiatric drugs will be metabolized according to my genome
maybe that will help find something that won't fucking make me sick instantly

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>>38861788
You sure you don't want to meet up and kiss sometime, skele-anon? I'd love to put a little lipstick on you, just for fun.

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>that feel when you've been clinically depressed for long enough that you cross the event horizon and basically no longer react to anything at all, both positive and negative
>even when things do get better you're too far gone to enjoy them and the thought that things will eventually return to being horrible is at the forefront of your mind
>you're just a husk constantly craving death but not even having the energy to off yourself

Who /broken/ here?

>>38861805
sounds like you really need to get out of that situation, as soon as possible

>>38861822
tfw not a girl ;_;

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>>38861788
>>38861817
meant for you
it's friday night and i'm drunk, no bully

>>38861834
once my therapist asked if i had the energy to kill myself and i actually laughed. She's right, i dont really

>>38861817
>>38861838
when i upped my dose once it reeeeeeally fucked me up hard
its okay anon

Doing all right
Been feeling lonely
Wish I had a qt fembot to cuddle and spend a quiet and intimate friday night just watching her fav anime, or my dumb sci fi and marvel movies or laugh at shitty horror movie and their repeated tropes together

I'd push her shoulder with mine, playfully, and she'd look at me weird or angry or grossed out so i just curl up with my knees under my chin and wrapping my arms around my knees. then she'd push me back with her shoulder some time later. then i'd return the favour the same until we're both laughing or smiling, before getting back to the movie

maybe an hour passes, she'd rest her head on my shoulder and like a beta i would just do nothing because for some reason i still wouldn't get the message that she wants to be held. so i'd just sit there with my arms around my knees almost in a fetal position as i watch this stuff comfortably.. before she places her arms around me and i'm still thinking okay she doesn't want to be touched and she just doesn't realize she's leaning on me, so i'll just keep my body stiff while watching and trying to not make her think i'm a creep by touching her at all. until finally she gets up and crawls over my lap to my other side and holds me and then i kinda awkwardly hover hand her for a few sec before i place my arm around her shoulder

Then she'd release me for a moment, pick up my other arm and drape that around her too before feeling her melt into me. This whole thing would transpire over 30 or so minutes. the gears in my head turning and i then i would think, oh okay she just now wants me to hold her, as we continue to watch in affectionate silence

I'd continue to hold her, with trepidation, for a few more movies. she'd get up to go to the washroom or i would get up, but we'd return naturally to our holding each other state naturally, though i don't do anything more, not even just rubbing her shoulder a bit, because i'm such a beta obviously.

cont?

>>38861880
same but with a boy im not really picky

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>>38861850
>once my therapist asked if i had the energy to kill myself and i actually laughed. She's right, i dont really

It's shitty, once you get medicated you usually start building energy again. Then suicide becomes a really enticing proposition that you can actually put into practice. I haven't taken any meds in years and I've been relying mostly on therapy and having reliable friends. It's feels nigh impossible to shake that hollow feeling inside of me, though.

Careful with those pills, bones.

>>38861944
honestly i've become stagnant, i cant even do the things i enjoy
tempted to up my meds again but fuck i went actually crazy last time
I'm glad you're at least doing better <3

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>>38861836
You might not be a girl but I'm work we could work on that. Girls just wanna have fun, right? Imagine being some guy's gf and working a part-time job while playing some fun vidya while your bf is still working.

Sounds nice, right?

>>38861993
i mean thats the dream but im an ugly m an lol

>tfw people are kinder to each other in a thread about crippling depression on an anonymous shitposting forum than most other places on the Internet

What strange times we live in, where the best place to find true virtue is amongst the outcasts.

>>38862360
people suck, but sometimes people can be nice :)

>>38861880
Nobody? well i'll continue anyway
I'm just writing this as i go so apologies for wordiness or some sloppy grammar and blah blah

So by now its like 5am and we're really truly sleepy.. but I'm still kinda on high alert because I've never because I've never been in this position before.. she might have but I don't really care about that right this moment.. Regardless, she seems to be falling soundly asleep more readily than I am.

So I sit there awkwardly not sure if I should move or not.. Besides Tangled is about half through, so I'm going to finish the damn movie.

Sometimes I'll feel her tilt her head a bit. Trying to get comfortable? trying to keep an eye on the movie? Its almost not noticeable, so maybe she's trying to see what i'm doing? I don't get it.

Not too long later, her head slips and she wakes up, kinda the way you wake up when your head falls too much when you fall asleep sitting. She looks at me with these sleepy squinting eyes as if it hurts to open her eyes. She shuffles around and lays her head on my stomach, her upper back on my lap, and her body between my legs to get into a sleeping position that is actually comfortable. so i just kinda take my hands off her and they're kinda up and near my shoulders like a half hands up sorta position. Don't wanna accidentally touch her inappropriately after all, or feel more stimulated(?) than i already am. Finally i slowly kinda place my palms against my the outside of my thighs awkwardly since she'd think it was weird if i placed them behind my back or, god forbid, on her

There's a moment where I'm terrified and dunno what to do, and then suddenly my dick is all like THIS IS YOUR MOMENT, and i feel a partial beginning. I react to by start thinking some nerdy shit in my head, scrunching up my face and closing my eyes hard and baring my teeth to stop an embarrassing moment from happening. I really am glad she's facing the tv because that was a total autismo moment there. cont

>>38862507

So i'm sitting there totally frozen thinking like.. okay man. Just stay cool and calm k.

Occasionally I hear a few sharp exhales from her, but then she reaches up and kinda gropes around like she's looking for something. she touches my thigh briefly. fuck dude don't get turned on. and then she touches my hand which is still pressed against my thigh. She turns to the side slightly, then kinda crosses her arms across her chest so she grab both my hands, then places my hands on her tummy with her hands over mine.. meaning i can't just 'let go' of her now without it being weird? and then relaxes her head on my stomach

I can feel her breathing. It's steady and slow so i guess she's asleep now. I'm still kinda positioned stiffly afraid to do something wrong and shit. But movie is like 10 mins from the credits roughly and i begin to relax. At that moment, she lets go of her grip on my hands, raising hers over mine, then back down again, kinda just gently tapping both the backs of my hands with the palms of hers and i tense up again. i feel her headpush just slightly against my stomach.. did she deliberately do that to let me know she's awake and aware just so I'd tense up and she's smiling to herself about it? -_-

Movie finally ends and she sits more upright, rubbing her back against my body in the process (dude.. don't get turned on at this moment, that's weird) and she reaches to the side and pulls the blanket next to us around the both of us. she turns a bit and lays the side of her head against my chest and says goodnight anon. "i.. don't think that's comfortable to sleep on" (I'm a skinnyfag) but she doesn't react at all and just remains as she was before. sleeping

Against my better judgement, i place my hands around her waist and i feel her snuggling in some more. I'm out like a light.

cont

>be 15
>think depression is just people being weak and pussies
>make fun of this guy behind his back
>people laugh
>year later, i met lady depression
>managed to rid myself of her

that's when i realized i should be more considerate of others

>>38862792
this reads like a hallmark story haha
i'm glad you're feeling better and learned to be considerate, its easy to think its just a person being weak

>>38862731

In the morning, I wake up to her squirming (snuggling?) against me. I'm nervous again, and it continues for a few mins while i remain still but mostly relaxed, so i don't let on that I'm awake. I can hear her inhaling sharply through her nose as if sniffing. Guess her nose is somewhat stuffy in the morning too, and i can feel one of her hands around me, on my back, clutching me, though not very tightly.

Finally i feel her strain against me as she gets up and stretches and yawns. She turns around and says, "good morning anon! looking as happy as she did yesterday. She starts toward her bathroom in those cute PJs of hers and she rounds the corner into the bathroom.

I finally get a moment to kinda dream stupidly about how nice that was but i'm not saying anything cuz i don't want her to think i'm weird and clingy. That's the moment when i realized I had a full on morning boner digging into her side through my boxer briefs the whole time and i blush as i pull the blankets around myself again

After a few minutes I see her stick her head sidways out of the bathroom to look at me as she's brushing her teeth and she flashes a smile at me in that moment before disappearing into the bathroom agian. What was that for? was she laughing cuz i had a boner? is she just oddly happy for some reason right now? I didn't even do anything. She's going to think I'm weird now isn't she. Robutt problems man.

cont maybe

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Things are starting to get really bad for me. I'm in a crisis.>>38860632


I'll just start with my credentials. I'm 23 with a terrible resume. I dropped out of community college last year and I have $9000 in debt from it, plus $2600 in credit card debt from being unemployed (with no devent savings) so often. I've had 5 jobs and quit all of them due to not being able to interact with people well or handle criticism.

Currently I live in a spare bedroom in my brothers house with his wife and child. My parents divorced in the spring and both of them resent my lack of progress in my life, they're Generation X types so they don't really understand any of my problems and have never helped me with anything. So I had to move out. Right now I am once again unemployed and I put no effort into finding new work because it causes me anxiety. I finally tried to apply for disability but they haven't contacted me yet. I'm running out of time and I'm too depressed to do anything about it.