*lights cigarette* >"so, anon, what's on your mind?"

>>38838853
Im not even op. what is your deal answer his question first you mook.

>>38838853
I don't know, r9k seems more depressing than usual tonight, I thought one of these threads could help. Makes me wonder if the board will always be like this

>>38838924
trust me, it will be. I don't even like this place anymore I just come because it's the only place I have left

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>>38838924
I know what you mean. I've been extra sad tonight. everything is very melancholic and comfy

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>>38838924
i do feel extra depressed today to be honest. i guess whats on my mind is........... actually i'm not even sure what exactly is on my mind, been drinking to avoid it. howbout you op?

>>38841090
I'm on my fourth pass of the board tonight. Things are moving slowly.

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*lights a cigarette as well*
Almost got a girl to come over. She wants to start cam-whoring, slutty housewife style, told her id help if she practiced at my place first.
Was this close anon
This close
Maybe this weekend she'll come by.

>>38838826

>"I don't know man. Aging. Time and shit. I see the people I went to school with getting older, wiser, fulfilling themselves, going through the paces of adult life in society... and I ask myself, after all the skepticism, is it all really a waste of time? It wasn't. They're better people for it. And me, some loser who thought going against the grain would bestow some kind of special insight into life. It did man. It made me realize how naive I was. How small I was. There's such a long way to go to get where I can be happy with myself. Most days I just want to jump in front of a train. Fuck.."

>>38838924
Honestly that's why I came back, I was hoping itd still be this way.
Its less desperate and sad then it was, but that's part of the draw for me.

Im dealing with my issues, trying to be productive and a good father to my son but i feel stagnant.

My boys already 4 as of yesterday and despite my and his mothers efforts his speech isnt doing superb and im worried.

I worried im a terrible parent, i try my best but im not the best or even adequate in my opinion. The boy is smart, he knows what to do and say and even gets his toys down from the closet shelf by pushing his bed up to it and climbing since he was 2.

Im dealing with myself and the book of all my failures, im terrible in the dark because it all hit me like s truck. Not 1 or 2 embarrassing, shameful and disgusting failures but all of them from childhood to now.

I fear i may become too much like my abusive mother and not the kind person my foster mother is.

My grandma on my foster mothers side is suffering extreme dementia and Alzheimer so i do my best to help and keep in touch.

I have bedbugs that i cant find so i spray bedbug killer regularly and spray rubbing alcohol to create barriers and vacuum the carpet and collect the dead\paralyzed ones.

Im extremely clean dunno how this happened.

Got followed in a dollar General today by a store employee because i got lost looking for peanuts (store was changed around again) and got eyeballed as i left.

Doesnt help that im black and love hoodies/jackets with complicated designs on them.

Not artistically talented so i cant draw my thoughts in coherent form.

Can compose music and i think of a lot, usually involving orchestral compositions.

Cant kill myself yet because my son needs a father to support him.

Still think about the gun in my kitchen counter.

Theres 1 bullet in it just for me.

Sigh...

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I got my shit together after six years. Actually active and doing well, but i'm stuck with a drinking problem that sends me into a rage of doing stupid shit. I can pace myself, but i think i unconsciously don't want to. I was chasing this fucked uo aesthetic all the years i was a depressed loser and now i can't get rid of it.