Psychological Issues #96

>>38393163
That's a pretty interesting video. Problem is most people don't remember anything really from the first years of their life, so it's hard to get some perspective on it.

>>38393533

I don't see your point. You mean, since one doesn't remember, one can't be sure what happened?

An easy way to counter that is to see whether you have anxiety issues or not. And if you find no other obvious reason, it'll probably be the way you were treated in infancy and childhood.

From what I was able to gather, I was most likely neglected a lot. Left alone, not taken care of, etc. My mother's idea of children was to park them somewhere so they'd not bother you. She can fake being a mother, but she never had any motherly instinct to speak of.

Boys, i think i got some laced weed, i still have loss of short term memory and can barelly feel what im doing with my hands and legs after 2 days of smoking

Forgot to post this:

https://pastebin.com/9dPf9n19

Archives.

>>38393611

This is no good. How old was it? Laced with what?

I feel a bit under the (may)weather... I cleaned my entire bathroom today, changed my bedsheets, tried to work out, failed, went shopping for some food, and now I'm preparing for Coats.

>>38393625
Freshly trimmed, its potent shit and i didnt smoke for 2 weeks before, its gnarly, anyone experienced shit like this?

>>38393661

Any way to ask your dealer about it?

>>38393625
Maybe PCP, lol.

>>38393593
>I don't see your point. You mean, since one doesn't remember, one can't be sure what happened?
Yeah exactly. I mean everyone can probably find something that happened when they were very young that was stressful. But not everyone suffers from anxiety/depression.

>>38393611
>>38393661
What did you experience while under the influence of this weed? Do you know your dealer well?

>>38393163
>One of the Biggest Achievements in childhood is achieving a positive sense of self
Damn.

Nick, do you drink?

>>38393683
>I mean everyone can probably find something that happened when they were very young that was stressful. But not everyone suffers from anxiety/depression.

The way your parents treated you from ages 0 to 3 will indeed not be memorable, even afterwards.

I know my mother would leave me outside of supermarkets to go shopping hands free. Alone in my pram, outside. My therapist couldn't believe it. It doesn't surprise me, it's the sort of thing she'd do.

I also remember that bedsheet thing to tie kids with, like a half suit. You zipped it in the back, and you became half human half bedsheet. I remember feeling like a prisoner in this thing. She may have forced me to naptime with it, to have time for herself, or something.

I can't find this on Google.

>>38393760

Yes. Without the right parents, this can't be done. Your biggest achievement becomes achieving a positive sense of self afterwards. On your own.

>>38393766

No. I drink socially, with a tendency to drink too much on such occasions. I never drink alone anymore.

I've been drunk in the past, and I've survived a Polish wedding and drinking with hardcore drinkers. My record is 9 shots of vodka in one evening. I went straight to hell. Alcohol is hard on me.

>>38393750
Just out of body sensations, world around me dissolves and music is the greatest thing i can experience during the trip

>>38393795
>Your biggest achievement becomes achieving a positive sense of self afterwards. On your own
I cant do this.

>>38393809
Also dont know the dealer personally, but through a friend that said that the guy has the dopest shit around, bought it through him

>>38393826

It will take time. Go one step at a time.

>>38393841
>It will take time. Go one step at a time.
It has to be on faster pace. I'm not that young, i'm 24 - basically work till pension and die.

>>38393809
When you say you can't feel what you're doing with your hands or feet, do you mean a complete lack of sensation? Can you distinguish between warm and cool? Can you identify textures by touch?

Try testing your short-term memory by recalling a sequence of digits.
5062859362947294

What additional psychological issues do you have?

I can't find the thing my mother tied me with... I guess that's not a good sign.

I can't think of a term for it, though.

>>38393897

You are young. Some people are 80 and still haven't figured out what the problem is.

It cannot be on a faster pace than necessary. You can't tell me "It can't be done," and the next minute tell me "It needs to be done faster."

>>38393929
>Try testing your short-term memory by recalling a sequence of digits.
>5062859362947294

Top kek, I can't even remember that sequence even when I'm completely fine.

>>38393795
Yeah your mother sure sounds like a treat. The half bedsheet thing sounds pretty terrifying.

The only thing I remember from my childhood was being in a hospital for a few months, I might have been about 3 or 4. I don't remember much from there, but I do remember thinking I was there as a punishment. Apparently I was extremely well behaved when I came back because I was afraid they're gonna send me back, lol. Actually it's strange, I've been there for a few months but I have no idea why I was there. I'm sure it was no injury, I would have remembered that. I have a feeling it was something infectious because I think I wasn't allowed visits. Who knows.

having a hard time focusing on the video, i recognize many parts. i just havent been able to concentrate at all today.
I think i've found a blind spot i my self the size of VY canis majoris. namely that i always feel incredibly unsafe, like everyone and everything is out to get me. not in a paranoid kind of way though, more like that it's natural to exploit weaknesses and capitalize on opportunities for personal gain or just to assert your place in the hierarchy.
i think this way about people and animals alike, the world is nothing but a rat race of every individual among beast and man trying to hurt everyone else enough that they can emerge on top. i believe pretty much all other issues i've got can be derived from this belief.

i really dont know how to deal with it though. i mean i know im in the wrong, i've seen prof in lots of people how have actually helped me simply because i needed it through out my life. but i cant accept it, i just cant stop believing life on earth is nothing but a massive war.
how do i make it stop?

>>38393935
>You are young.
That doesnt change the fact that i'm behind normal cognitive development. I feel i have no personality of my own.

>>38393949
The point isn't to remember all of them, I just put a random amount for him to use. Without chunking techniques, healthy average people can recall "7 plus or minus 2" as they say.

>>38393992

Ask your parents about it, check for records if you can. I did it, but they throw away your record after a decade, in the small town hospital I went to.

The disease I was said to have only covers some of the symptoms, so who knows.

I need to find what to call that bedsheet thing.

>>38394045
On the off chance it's not apparent, this is me.

>>38393935
the tieing up babies thing is still going on in the middle east. i've had plenty of my patients talk about it, some mothers bring it up cause they regret it. saying they wonder what effect it had on their kids.

as i understand it's just a special way to binding the kinds in a normal sheet.

>>38394007

Many here have the same issue. You believe this because you grew up with it. It's a defence mechanism. It's maladaptive now because it works against you rather than for you.

To make it stop, observe yourself thinking. Whenever you get thoughts from it, observe, undo, replace your thoughts. You'll do it manually at first, and then it'll gradually get better.

It's about reprogramming your reflexive thoughts and reactions.

It'll help to know why you have such thoughts (past experiences, etc.).

>>38394015
>That doesnt change the fact that i'm behind normal cognitive development.

Behind who? The norm? Sure, but it won't make a difference. There are people who are way behind you. Even that doesn't matter. Nobody knows what you're capable of and maybe you'll heal faster than most. Resiliency varies a lot from person to person. Don't be pessimistic.

You'll find your personality once you feel safe enough to be yourself.

>>38394070

Meta! I had no idea it was you.

But yeah, if I try to memorise this sequence, I fail and nothing sticks. I won't even try.

How are you?

>>38394090
>i've had plenty of my patients talk about it

Are you a doctor?

I still can't find the bedsheet thing. Imagine an extra bedsheet, with a hole in the middle. That hole is not actually a hole, it's the upper upper part that goes on a baby's body, like a wife-beater shirt, with a zipper in the back, out of reach for the kid.

Once trapped in this thing, there was no way out. You could stand up and outstretch that thing, but no escape was possible.

>>38394157
>Don't be pessimistic.
Ironically i've been pessimistic as long as i remember
>You'll find your personality once you feel safe enough to be yourself.
I guess then i'm a pretty sociable and humorous guy who's a bit childish because i interact with my mom in that way.

>>38394233

Can you describe interaction with your mother? With regards to the childish ways.

>>38394175
I feel like I may throw up at some point in the near future, but other than that I suppose I'm alright.
If you rehearse the first few digits of the sequence (say eight or nine) for about 15 seconds, can you still not memorize it?
Do you have any trouble with memory in general?

>>38394068
Oh I just remembered what it was, I had meningitidis. Almost died back then and it also explains why I wasn't allowed visits (or a minimum of them). So yeah, being left in a hospital for months with very little contact thinking it was a punishment for being bad is the only stressful thing I remember from my young childhood.

>>38394130
>It'll help to know why you have such thoughts (past experiences, etc.).
this is the part that confuses and frustrates me. i dont have any memory of anything that can explain this train of though. is it possible that i simply inherited these assumptions from my father. if he had them and acted in accordance?

Also Nick, does it bother you that i write like a slob? neglecting capital letters and tears for missing letters where i deem them to be unnecessary.

>>38394209
>Are you a doctor?
nah, but i do work in healthcare. not with mental health, if that wasnt apparent. that would probably fuck me up. or save me.

they said they used it to force the kids to sleep with the added benefit of keeping them in one place so it's easier to work.

>>38394007
You can always make it stop by necking yourself i guess, you always have that option.

>>38394265
>being left in a hospital for months with very little contact
that's some major trauma warnings right there.

>>38394255
>Can you describe interaction with your mother?
A lot of joking and teasing in a good way, sometimes it's hard to talk seriously with her. We talk a lot about finding meaning in life.

>>38394264

I don't think I have very good short-term memory. I often forget the names of new people. Seconds after they tell me.

I also realise I have attention issues. I watch many educational videos nowadays, and I found out that I can zone out for entire minutes, and when I come back to the video and watch again, I don't remember anything from those segments.

I find the same thing when I'm watching a presentation or a lecture: if something makes me think of something else, I'll be gone for entire minutes. I have to struggle to keep myself in check.

This even happens during fucking movies. I missed a whole part of the latest Alien movie.

I never thought of this much, but I should bring this up to my therapist.

>>38394265

I spent 8 days in isolation. I was 5. The hospital was in the mountains, very desolate and isolated as well. My arm was in, not a cast, but some contraption. A flat plank of wood and bandaged all over, for the IV. The food was gross and I ate nothing for 8 days. I never pooped either. I pissed in their metal beans. My parents brought me a TV after some days. But I don't remember them being there often, oddly.

They gave me some holographic badge with an exotic bird on it. If you moved it, it changed the angle. I guess it was an 80's fad. I remember this very well because there was blood on that badge.

I was dangerously dehydrated and almost died.

At the end of it, the doctor put his finger into my anus and I've never been able to figure out why exactly. It seemed a very invasive procedure to perform on a 5-year-old.

They also broke 7 of my veins when installing the IV, the first night. I wrote to the hospital to get my records, but they kept nothing. This happened in 1987.

Silent Hill reminds me of this whole thing. Small town, weird Catholic hospital with nuns going about.

>tfw your life is a fucking movie

>>38394289
>is it possible that i simply inherited these assumptions from my father. if he had them and acted in accordance?

If he taught you to fear the world and others, yes.

>Also Nick, does it bother you that i write like a slob? neglecting capital letters and tears for missing letters where i deem them to be unnecessary.

Back in the day I would have labelled you a savage and a man of lesser intellect, but those days are gone. I don't judge by spelling as hard as I used to. Don't worry about it.

>they said they used it to force the kids to sleep with the added benefit of keeping them in one place so it's easier to work.

Sounds like it. I remember trying to sleep so I wouldn't be bored to death.

It's such a fucking torture. Imagine this as an adult: you're tired to a bed, you can't move much, and you have to stay in a dark room for several hours until someone frees you.

My mother thought that being a small infant menat I could endure anything she thought was good for me.

>>38394328

>months

I somehow missed this. MONTHS???

How old were you?

>>38394340

Can you recreate a dialog with this?

>>38394360
>if something makes me think of something else, I'll be gone for entire minutes. I have to struggle to keep myself in check.

This is me. I do this all the time. I put on a podcast, go for a walk, and all it takes is one word to remind me of something else and then I'm lost in thought, not hearing another word. I'm extremely easily distracted. I do enjoy memorizing things, though.

>>38394432
Fucking hell. I thought Swiss health care system was top notch. You had a broken arm? Still though, the holographic badges are awesome, that much must be said.

Honestly I've been reading about the illness I had and am surprised myself. I always though it was some banal disease that can't really hurt you, but apparently it's something that can kill you in hours and damage your brain. I mean it would make sense, because I had the body temperature of like 41C before being taken to the hospital.

I wonder if my thoughs, my problems and the other abnormalities (namely synesthesia) could in some way be linked to this illness, because apparently brain damage is quite a common consequence.

>>38393929
Its like i forget i use them? When i touch something it takes a second or so to realise, and also 5062859463749? Thats what i remembered of the numbers

>>38394529

Same with podcasts. Or documentaries. I used to listen to radio podcasts while playing Tetris at night, and sometimes I'd completely lost the plot and not even try to get back. It was just voices.

Back many years ago, I realise I lived like a moron. I got up at 5 am to get a train to work, and I had to wait in those station cabins before I could get the right train, work all day, bought fast food to get back home, late, worked some at home, ate fast food in my room, then put on Coast to Coast AM in my ears and played Tetris on some old Game Boy, for hours until I fell asleep.

For fuck's sake... It's like I didn't even realise the shit life I had.

And yes, I lived at my parents' house at the time. Did all I could to stay away from them, though.

>>38394508
>Can you recreate a dialog with this?
It's kinda hard because most of it is situation.
>Mom : you have to take life in two hands and do something
>Me : well, there's also another thing with whom you can do the same
>Mom : Anon, you're such humorist. I wish you'd put the same energy into the life as you put in jokes.

>>38394502
I'm not sure. Definitely under 6. I think I was 3 or 4. As I said, I was close to death so I spent a long time in the hospital. Couldn't tell you how long exactly, could have been only a couple weeks, could have been two months.

>>38394584
>I thought Swiss health care system was top notch.

No, it's insanely expensive. I pay over 400 Swiss francs a month, not counting what's taken from my salary. And insurance doesn't cover everything. Since I've started therapy, I'm now costing more than I am paying, since it covers 90% of the costs of that, but for years prior, you're just milked and milked, and it keeps getting worse.

My arm wasn't broken, but I guess they were scared I'd move around and lose the IV, which meant death. I almost died there.

41... that's fucking high. Although I think it can go higher for kids without too being too bad; that said, 41 sounds really hot.

>>38394490
>If he taught you to fear the world and others, yes.
i dont recall actually being warned of others. but stuff like this is something empathetic people pick up on, right? i might've gotten rid of my empathy cause it simply didnt work. i mean none of the things i thought would attack me actually did.

>a man of lesser intellect
i do it out of sheer laziness, would probably make the extra effort to type properly if anyone said they actually cared.

> I remember trying to sleep so I wouldn't be bored to death.
the fuck? how old were you? i always assumed this was something they did to very small children, like no more than 2 years old. you know, the age where kids actually take naps.

>>38394616

What's the other thing you're thinking of?

>>38394690
>What's the other thing you're thinking of?
A penis.

>>38394688
>the fuck? how old were you? i always assumed this was something they did to very small children, like no more than 2 years old. you know, the age where kids actually take naps.

I was old enough to be able to stand up inside that contraption. Over 3 is my guess.

>>38394589
Your short-term memory is probably fine, unless you normally would remember many more. Is it that you simply aren't paying attention to what you're doing or the sensation actually isn't registering?

>>38394677
Yeah I've heard about the problems you have with dentists, who are insanely expensive. Actually I've heard about swiss people having a hungarian/czech/polish dentist because even with the travel expenses it's still cheaper than having a swiss one.

>>38394706

And your mother guessed that? When do you need two hands to tackle your penis? Is your cock a monster?

And how come you make cock jokes with your mother? How come she doesn't find that inappropriate?

>>38394722
>having a hungarian/czech/polish dentist because even with the travel expenses it's still cheaper than having a swiss one.

Yes. Many Swiss go to France, across the lake, or other places. And yes, even with the hotel and plane ticket, it's cheaper to go East and get things done.

>>38394719
It isnt registering, as with the numbers, maybe i could remember more? I was able to learn 53 digits of pi during a lecture to impress the proff. I know how to explain the sensations now betr, its like when your arm fell asleep but you can still use it and without the numbness itch.

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How're you doing fellow faggots?
Hope not too bad.

I see you're talking about bad experiences with hospitalization so i thought I'd share my experience with you.

It was April of 2016, i were down on my luck so bad i decided to end it.
I went to the longest commie block i around and downed a whole vodka bottle, the plan was to throw myself off but since im here it didn't go as planned, i ended up in a mental hospital not too far from the city.

Stayed there about 3 weeks, never spoke to anyone, it was horribly lonley, surrounded by shouting and screaming.

When i got first thing I did was check my phone, 0 messages and 0 calls, it felt as if someone hit me in the face.

No one looked me in the eyes after that, no one wanted to talk to me as if i were insane or something.

And that's why if you're going to end it you better succeeded, i think i might try my luck again, hopefully no one calls the cops again, nosey fuckers.

>>38394739
>And your mother guessed that?
I implied that it was dick. That joke sounds better in my language than English.
>And how come you make cock jokes with your mother? How come she doesn't find that inappropriate?
A lot of my jokes are dirty ones. Parents are kind of used to it.

>>38394593
Sometimes I put them on not intending to really pay attention. I like just having the voices while I play a game, catching a joke here or an interesting fact there. A few years ago, I really couldn't stand silence and had to always have voices filling it.

>>38394715
>Over 3 is my guess.
i dont need to tell you that's fucked up, but i am. it's fucked.

when i was 3 i was terrified of going to kindergarten because i thought they were gonna force me to take a nap. a normal nap where you lay down in a normal bed and rest for no more than an hour.

>>38394791

Don't try again. Try to live.

Tell us more.

>>38394791
Are you living in Russia or other eastern european country?

Well fuck it, two negatives create a positive and two wrongs make a good, maybe smoking some more will make the sensation dissapear, see you on pluto anons

>>38394796

Do you feel that it's wrong to make sexual jokes with your parents?

>>38394949
>Do you feel that it's wrong to make sexual jokes with your parents?
I dont find it wrong, they know my humor style and tolerate it.

>>38394809

I know just the thing for you:

http://radio.garden/live/los-angeles-ca/animal-radio/

Radios of the world! This is some animal station set in Los Angeles, but roam around. Japan has some cool shit.

If anyone finds cool stations, share.

Japan has some kawai music radio station. It's uplifting.

>>38394883
About the hospital or my life?
Both i have little worthy of mentioning about.

>>38394929
Russia, it fucking sucks, If i could wake up anywhere I'd rather wake up in a cozy house in the suburbs of America or something, fuck this place.

>>38394830
>i dont need to tell you that's fucked up, but i am. it's fucked.

You do, because I have no idea what's normal or not with regards to my own past. I tell my therapist, she makes a face like I just got naked, then says, "Is this a joke? That's a joke right?" even though it's painfully obvious to us both that there's no joke involved. Her reactions were the most useful part of therapy for me, realising that some things were way more fucked up than I thought.

>>38394930

Don't do that, just wait it out, drink water a lot, etc.

It's not maths. It won't work.

>>38394930
that's some solid logic right there, let us know how it goes.

>>38394965

Would you want your own son to make dick jokes to you?

>>38394977
>Russia
I feel you. I live in Eastern European country and mental health is shit. If you go to psychologist or have mental illnesses, people avoid you or treat like shit.

>>38394977

Tell us more about your life, whichever you want. I don't remember seeing you here before, are you new?

>>38395015
>Would you want your own son to make dick jokes to you?
I dont think it's relevant as i wont have a family. I dont get where's the problem with implied dick joke here and there.

>>38395038
>I dont think it's relevant as i wont have a family.

It's completely unrelated to whether you'll have a family or not. What worries me is that you keep avoiding answering me in a straightforward manner, which means you may not feel all that OK with your own behaviour.

Can you answer my question? Suppose you have a son, how do you feel about your son making dick jokes to you? Imagine the situation and tell me what comes up.

>>38395060
>Suppose you have a son, how do you feel about your son making dick jokes to you?
No, not really if it's really obvious. How does it change the current situation?

>>38395087
>Suppose you have a son, how do you feel about your son making dick jokes to you?
>No, not really if it's really obvious. How does it change the current situation?

>how do you feel
>no, not really it's really obvious

I don't understand that answer. How it changes what situation, I don't know either. Boy, it got very complicated to get answers from you tonight. I'm only asking how you'd feel if you were in your mother's position, basically. Just because I ask doesn't mean I suppose there's a problem, but knowing your answer would be interesting.

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I'll dump some resources I found the other day.

>>38395143
>Boy, it got very complicated to get answers from you tonight.
Yeah, i know.

>>38395185

Does that mean you will not answer?

>Sairento Hiru

Lost my shit. Guess what it is, if you can.

>>38395216
Silent hill yo

T. Resident weeb

>>38395199
>Does that mean you will not answer?
I think that i've answered it. No i wouldnt like it, if i'd be my mother but if i'd have son then i wouldnt like if it has bad timing.

>>38395242

Yes... Nice to see you.

In other news, LO went to a con today, with a Japanese school uniform I bought her last week.

It was kawai, obviously.

>>38395263

So you do things that you wouldn't like to have done to you. This usually means something's wrong. I'll let you think about it and if you have ideas, tell me.

>>38395276
I can buy one of those real actual uniforms at a generic second hand store in my neighbourhood. I was just shopping for generic clothes (kek) when i passed a rack of uniforms

No Coats tonight. : (

>>38395291
>I'll let you think about it and if you have ideas, tell me.
I just dont filter myself around parents while around strangers i just crawl into myself and avoid them.

>>38395311

How much is a real one?

>>38395331
I can find out on monday
I could make money exporting that shit heh.

I once earned about 70euros for helping some american girl queue up for a special release goth lolita dress (she spent 260ish euros on three dresses)

>>38395022
Long time lurker first time poster.
My childhood was troubled with autism along sides other mental illnesses so i spent most of my life surrounded by 4 walls.
I was born is a poor abusive family, lived my whole life as a tool, i only did what i was told to, nothing else, most of my English i learned off playing video games,
i woke up someday after graduating high school, all my friends started disappearing, two killed themselves, the rest wont return my callls anymore, worked shitty jobs, i did shitty things i regret to this day.
I'm currently unemployed, alone, my family hates me,
Now here I am, 25, trying to sleep on this stone sitting bench, pretty much used to it at this point.
I don't have a place to stay so this is all i have, trying to maintain a job until i find somewhere to live.
I don't have a goal in life so I don't know why I'm even suffering for.
It's just a matter of time until i breakdown again and off myself.

>>38395020
Life is strange I'll give you that, sometimes it's better to suffer in silence than to seek help.

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https://youtu.be/-2Q3k1Zj0A8

Don't hesitate to dump some art, folks. Music, paintings, anything you want. I discovered hardbass thanks to this thread (and never listened to it again, but who knows).

I used to be such a closeted Tori fan, I am now convinced it was mental illness. It's almost like I expected her to save me, somehow.

I bought the limited edition of that album. It had a little turtle pendant in it. I'm not sure I can retrieve this item now, it's in some small box, somewhere. LO was horrible at organising and tidying things up. I have a whole basement of utter chaotic mess. This includes written memories from the past, which I wrote when I was a teenager, scattered on the floor. Last time I went down there, it broke my heart so bad to see this shit that I never back. All my paintings are there too. You can't step into my basement lot, it's packed like a motherfucker.

>>38395369
>I can find out on monday
>I could make money exporting that shit heh.

Definitely. LO is big on Japanese stuff, and her makeup is either Korean or Japanese because she's as white as they are. They don't have the required makeup colour in Europe.

But yeah, we can make business.

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I've got some shit I probably should talk about since leaving my thoughts to ferment in my brain isn't exactly healthy, but I really don't know where to begin. I guess I'll just lurk. Thanks for making these threads Nick, they're probably the most interesting thing that happens to me all day.

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https://youtu.be/JhENyELU95U

Two songs in one; the first is a minimal piece. Horses always amazed me.

Her first three albums are her best, in my opinion, with half of Strange Little Girls, and Scarlet's Walk. I kind of lost her after that.

Pic related is her as she was in the 90's, before she butchered her face with surgery. I don't have a fucking clue who she is nowadays. Very sad. She was aging very well.

>>38395326
>inb4 wintercoat comes and it ends up nick and him talk for the rest of thread

>>38395385

Goddam... Stick with us. Just connecting to us regularly will help. You're not alone anymore, OK?

It may seem silly, but after some time, you'll benefit from just being able to connect and talk to others.

>>38395582

Welcome. You should share! Begin wherever you feel like. These things are like mazes, it doesn't matter where you begin, it matters that you get out.

>>38395600

Nick i do think this is an issue too.
Coats is doing what they call rationalisation >>38395163 and it's taking up so much of the thread.

I think coats shouldn't be talked to 'in detail' anymore. It doesn't help. The more you need to defend your point with walls of text, the more he feels like he can pick on your words to rationalise his irrationality.

I suggest that coats should be replied to in clear summarised points.

>>38395479
Can you link the posts about your past in the pastebin and sticky

>>38395705
>posts about your past
Uh, or email them to me. Derp.

>>38395705
>I think coats shouldn't be talked to 'in detail' anymore
It doesnt matter as Nick probably ignores me on purpose.

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I say, Atlas! You've a roundness more properly befitting those urchins abroad in the Dark Continent. There again I'd wager in your case it's less beriberi and more pasty pasty, eh what?

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>>38395600

I've thought about it. I have a plan.

>>38395705
>Coats is doing what they call rationalisation

That a whole bunch of others. He's raping the whole spectrum of logical fallacies, and from what he said about the video I asked him to watch, he doesn't understand people on a frightening level (the video is about improvisation, he somehow thought it was about manipulating people into giving money...)

I also understand that Coats goes OCD on me, and can't just skip, and I've wondered if I don't have some of that too.

That said, last time, we had a break through. I managed to make sense of other people's behaviour to him in a way he could understand.

One simple way to handle the situation is simply to exchange e-mails.

I've considered responding to him through vocaroo, by voice, also. He's already agreed to argue less, to read more, and limit himself to asking questions when he doesn't understand.

Coats doesn't prevent me from responding to others in most cases. He's 4 hours behind on average.

>Can you link the posts about your past in the pastebin and sticky

I don't remember which ones I mentioned my past in. But I have some screecaps.

There are a lot of Silence of the Lambs imagery in previous threads, for complicated reasons. I'm Clarice, basically. I used to cry every day, 20 times a day.

I've just had a little spell right before now. Maybe it's coming back.

>>38395761
>It doesnt matter as Nick probably ignores me on purpose.

I absolutely do not! I do miss posts, often, and feel bad for it, but I don't ignore anyone, except trolls.

I'm sorry if I missed any of your posts.

>>38395844
It just happened so many times (like 4 or 5). I dont know what to think.

https://youtu.be/ciidn3nEoiE

Randomly sharing whatever music I'm listening to as we go.

>>38395724

I could just tell you things here again. Might be faster. Or even more fun, others tell you. Some know, some don't.

Maybe you won't think well of me afterwards, though.

>>38395860
Im gonna say he probably feels bad and he would be happier if you point it out

Hello nick. I posted couple of days ago. i told you about my psychotic breakdown, my wishes of getting a electric guitar and so. How are you man?

>>38395817
I can't imagine crying so much. Most people wouldn't in even the direst circumstances. It is an uncommon degree of lugubriousness. It sounds extreme. Heightened intensity of emotion.

>>38395872
>I could just tell you things here again.
Don't go opening those wounds.
I'll download the archives and read them on the flight or something. Have to be overnight in airport on monday night anyway.

>>38395860

Sometimes, I don't know what to respond, so I just wait for another post, but that's not the main reason, because I've realised people get upset if I don't respond to everything, even when there's nothing to respond to (Zoidberg, looking at you here).

It always happens in the thread. If I could share the Hero conversation (fastest therapy known in the history of psychology), you'd see that even Hero, as nice as he is, got super fucking mad at me for missing his post, or actually, back then, not having had enough time to get to this post.

If I missed something, link me back. I used to have an item about this in the OP, I should put it back there.

>>38395911

First tears in two months or so. But I'm OK. I've cleaned a lot today. My bathroom once again looks like a human being can use it.

What was your name? And yes, do get a guitar! It's so much fun.

>>38395988
>Sometimes, I don't know what to respond, so I just wait for another post,
I dont what to write either.

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>>38395912
>I can't imagine crying so much. Most people wouldn't in even the direst circumstances. It is an uncommon degree of lugubriousness. It sounds extreme. Heightened intensity of emotion.

It happens in waves. It's right beneath the surface for me. If I don't keep it in check, it can overwhelm me.

You remember the picture I used to post to signify that I was gone from the thread?

It was LO's. She left it on the last laptop we bought together - the piece of crap I'm using right now - and I see it when I browse for images in my pic folder.

Seeing it was OK for many weeks, but now it's... It's like before.

OK, losing my shit again. HERE WE GO.

>>38396010
maybe why i act with my parents in more relaxed and careless way but it's obvious - they tolerate my behavior. I wish i could do the same around others.

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>>38395621
Thank you.
It's nice to have someone to talk to and all but, lately I've been feeling that there's no point in socialising anymore, everything feels scripted, all the conversation, the people, it's just a process of sharing thought in the hopes of relevancy.

No one seems keen on starting conversation with me anymore, i think im just too repulsive, i always start debates and try to prove that others are wrong, i hate when they defend their false facts, although i am a hypocrite sometimes.

It seems that all what people care about is money, if you don't have it you're not worth talking to, if you don't have a sports car you're not worth being with, if you don't have the latest phone you don't deserve getting phonecalls.

I get tired of trying sometimes, good people are few and far between,

it's sometimes hard getting myself to wake up and go with my routine knowing that nothing would ever change, but i keep telling myself that im going to make it, it's not too far now.

This world, built around violence and currency, why even bother?
I can't even hope to make a difference on this planet.

https://youtu.be/z4hQG-XTVa4
Have some nice music along side a wierd video, really makes you think.

ps. Please, don't feel bad for me, i think that in a way, i deserve this fate, for everything I've done

>>38396001
My name is Alexis, im posting as anonymous tho. Why do you cry bro? I think crying sometimes is ok. For the last two or three week id cried like a child specially at night. Im kinda better now i think.

>>38395919
>Don't go opening those wounds.

They haven't healed yet.

>>38396045
Indeed. I thought about colour-swapping it and using it as I did the OP image but when you gave its origin, I deemed it in poor taste and used the Kaiji one instead.

Sorry to hear that you're losing your shit. It's no good though. There must be something for you to do. Some measure to take.

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>>38396086

One thing you can always do is describe how things work in your family, share anecdotes, etc. It'll always be helpful.

>full on cry mode
>can't fucking see through the tears

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>>38395649
It's very hard for me to open up, even in text. I also find it hard to write my thoughts down in a comprehensive way. I feel like something always gets left out. Also, my view on things can change within minutes so I can barely trust my own words and thoughts.

This test result explains a part of the problem. Whether I actually have depression or not, I clearly have some symptoms associated with it like anhedonia and a lack of motivation and interest in things. I don't really know what I want out of life because I feel like there isn't much to be had.

The funny thing is, at least right now I don't really feel like there's anything wrong with me. I kinda just feel like this is me. I just exist.

>>38396111
Fair! Tell me about them whenever you want. I imagine it'll be lengthy so im not in a hurry to make you type it all out immediately

>>38396087

Don't worry, you'll be fine with us.

That pic, the feels.

And I was sure I knew that still from the video. Rhubarb is one of my most favourite songs of all time.

I also like this cover, and I knew it from before.

Enjoy this:

https://youtu.be/lknrWK_rhb4

It's the slowed down version. I used to put this in my earphones in loops, for hours. Just drown me in sounds, senpai.

>>38396092

Use any name of your choice in the username, just so we know which one you are.

I normally cry for the same reason every time: the pain of someone I care for, someone I felt responsible for. Nothing makes me cry harder.

Imagine if you made a choice to protect people you loved, and things didn't work how you expected, and you end up torturing the one you wanted to protect. And you get to see that for 2 months straight.

Too many brutal memories. Hours and hours and hours of trying to prevent her from hurting herself.

Losing it tonight. Unexpected.

Still better than insulting everyone.

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>>38396180
>full on cry mode
Come on Nick, not everything is bad. Sometimes it's good to cry to reach catharsis.
>One thing you can always do is describe how things work in your family, share anecdotes, etc.
The only thing is feel is that i'm not supposed to be here. I'm accidental thing - without any mission here on Earth. My consciousness is an accident which wasnt meant to happen.

>>38396117
>It's no good though. There must be something for you to do. Some measure to take.

It's good. Unprocessed emotions are the worst. Being fully aware of what's going on is good. It's not the bad sort of pain. It needs to be addressed. I am OK. Just more humid than usual.

It can be very intense, in waves. Like, suddenly, I'll feel this surge of "sadness", though it feels like way more than just sadness. It's the way people cry at funerals. I need to take deep breaths, I breathe a lot, and tears run down. Crying like this was not possible to me before.

Sunny side up or scrambled eggs for you?

>>38396182
>It's very hard for me to open up, even in text.

That's actually great. What it means is that once you start doing it, you'll be unlocking things, and making progress. Good news.

>This test result explains a part of the problem. Whether I actually have depression or not, I clearly have some symptoms associated with it like anhedonia and a lack of motivation and interest in things. I don't really know what I want out of life because I feel like there isn't much to be had.

You're clearly depressed, keep it in mind, as it influences how you think and experience the world.

>The funny thing is, at least right now I don't really feel like there's anything wrong with me. I kinda just feel like this is me. I just exist.

That's a good thing, you may feel some peace from expressing yourself and being listened to, perhaps.

Keep doing it! And pick a name.

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>>38396188

There's a lot. I was raised by non-humans and despite unlikely odds, I managed to become almost normal and succeed in life where I should have failed. I had to develop crauy defense mechanisms which I still use today, and which I hadn't identified as such until fairly recently. Everything makes more sense now.

If things had worked out the way they should have, I would be in prison, dead, or in some mental institution by now, or worse, I would have become my parents. None of these happened.

>>38396374
>You're clearly depressed

I know I don't really have any reason to doubt you, but you'll have to forgive me if I can't take your word for it.

>pick a name

I'm really bad at coming up with names.
Any chance you could give me one?

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>>38396371
For me, it's poached. I like a poached egg, ham and pickle. Bit of pepper and parsley to serve.

>>38396308
>Come on Nick, not everything is bad. Sometimes it's good to cry to reach catharsis.

I never said otherwise. Crying doesn't mean I think everything is bad, either. I don't control it, and it's worse to try to suppress it. Much better to let it come and go, like waves.

>The only thing is feel is that i'm not supposed to be here. I'm accidental thing - without any mission here on Earth. My consciousness is an accident which wasnt meant to happen.

This isn't what I suggested. Your mission on earth is to be happy; once you're there, everything else will be obvious.

>>38396045
I hope you'll be ok, Nick. Stay strong.

>>38396539
>Your mission on earth is to be happy; once you're there, everything else will be obvious
I dont know how to be happy - the only emotions are sadness or anger towards myself.

>>38396371

Aw, thank you. I can't eat anymore. Had too much already.

Plus nobody cooked for me since LO. Cooked food would probably make me cry.

>sunny side up, drowned in salty, salty tears

>>38396519
How about checkers?

>>38396578
>salty, salty tears
Yucks.

If you want it salty, i'll do a sunny side up thesuper chinky way just for you - topped with SOY SAUCE(tm) right while it's still piping hot. The heat caramelises the soy sauce a little.

>>38396522

As a kid, I liked poached eggs because I would pretend they were beings of yellow blood. And I'd stab them with my fork.

I grew up wanting to murder and destroy everyone and everything. I never realised who it was that I really wanted to murder and destroy.

I'm sure you can relate to that.

>>38396589
That's fine by me.
Care to explain the reasoning behind it?

>>38396545

I'll be fine, no worry.

Talking with Coats, and before him, you, I realised that I do have some minor OCD traits. It may not be strong enough to even count, but some of the stuff Coats says does sound familiar to me. I can relate to needing some things to be done one way, or else it'll bother me forever until I change it.

>>38396637
Nah, I have nothing against eggs. Though I did torture slugs with pins, if they can even be said to feel pain. And I always stamp on snails and other things that it's acceptable to snuff out. My gf was horrified when we found an injured bird and my first answer was to crush it underfoot. It seemed only right, to me. An act of mercy, done with relish.

>>38396572
>I dont know how to be happy - the only emotions are sadness or anger towards myself.

Why are you angry at yourself?

>>38396656
Just seems like a nice online name

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>>38396519
>I know I don't really have any reason to doubt you, but you'll have to forgive me if I can't take your word for it.

No problem, but it's important that you believe it. That test is very good, I've seen it from many people.

Anhedonia used to be my MySpace name. You could take that one, or some name based on it.

My old results. If I did now it would be very different.

>>38396699
>Why are you angry at yourself?
Because i exist. I dont want to exist, everything is so strange to me, i have no inner structure - it's like living in eternal chaos.
is it a coincidence that captcha has my name in it?

>>38396634

Sounds like a plan!

>>38396690
>if they can even be said to feel pain.

They can, but we wouldn't know much about what it means to them.

>implying you crushed it for mercy, AHEM

My fiancee would save worms from being crushed on the sidewalk. She'd always take time to save the little ones. The more disgusting, the more reason to save them, because no one else would.

>an act of mercy, done with relish

An act of cruelty, done with an excuse. Feels like S up in this bitch.

>>38396765

There are no coincidences in this thread. Kek watches over us and gives us dubs, trips, quads, and even quints.

There is a lot of healing to be done, but we can do it.

>>38396845
>There is a lot of healing to be done, but we can do it.
I want to believe that i can heal but i'll have to live with this lingering to depression for the rest of my life

>>38396863
>i'll have to live with this lingering to depression for the rest of my life

Because? No reason. Depression doesn't have to last forever. Keep in mind that depression is like pain: it warns you that something is wrong. The depression isn't wrong in itself, the situation is. Solve the situation and the depression will go away in time.

Remind me of your situation.

>>38396800
>She'd always take time to save the little ones. The more disgusting, the more reason to save them, because no one else would.
How sentimental.

>>38396881
>Remind me of your situation.
The usual cocktail - no motivation, no hope, no life meaning, desire to die.

>>38396933

It has nothing to do with sentiment, you contemptuous you. Despite diminished empathy, she was able to do good. You're just upset that you'd have crushed those worms instead of saving them.

Not being a piece of shit doesn't make someone "sentimental".

>>38396951

That's not what I meant. I meant: family, job, location, domestic organisation, etc. That kind of situation.

>>38396996
I'm a NEET who lives with parents (optimistic mom and emotionally distant father + turbonormie brother)

>>38397028

What's your average day like?

Do you get alone with your brother?

>>38397061
>What's your average day like?
Wake up
Surf the net
Listen to music
Talk with mom
Eat
Surf the net
Go to sleep
>Do you get alone with your brother?
I think you've meant along. If so, then i think i get alone but we're quite distant as we have nothing in common besides being brothers.

>>38397164
>I think you've meant along.

I did. Freudian slip. Half the time I write "along", I end up writing "alone". Kinda sad.

What's the age gap between you two?

>>38397187
>What's the age gap between you two?
2 years and 3 months. I'm the older one.

>>38393163
I'm pretty sure I'm too jacked up to live with humanity anymore, OP. I'm not a NEET or a defeatist or anything like that but whenever I see people outside I just want them all to die.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only real beings. These shitty fucking faggot mongoloid niggers outside can't share a sidewalk, can't push a crosswalk button once, can't even dress themselves with the most basic of coordination. They shirk work, swear all the time in polite company, and even wear hats inside.

Hell, I'm a slightly above average (190lbs) sized guy and even women try to pull the sidewalk shit. 100% of the time they move at the last second when I'm about to plow over them. They know what they're doing but just moving is way too hard for them and some kind of personal challenge.

I've been waiting to go apeshit and beat the next moron half to death. There are these shitty anti-abortions that come twice a week to a place on my block and next time they come I think I'm going to pick a fight with them over their gross signs.

https://youtu.be/UmFFTkjs-O0

This is probably my favourite Cure album, though I don't know all of them. I don't like the dancy Cure stuff.

Disintegration is the album, because this is just one song on it.

I remember listening to this stuff in 2003. Not exactly the 80's.

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>>38397198

Are you looking for work or training or studies?

>>38397206

For a moment, I thought Ethan had come back. You'll have other startled reactions (we used to have an Ethan before).

Tell me about your parents.

>>38397243
>Are you looking for work or training or studies?
Yeah, i'm looking for job but i dont want even more changes.

I want to kill myself. I am a complete mess, my life is a joke, I hate myself

I'm filled with regret and bitterness

I'm unable to live

I can't get a job. I fucked up every single thing I had

I fucked my brain. My education, my social life, my finances, my relationships.

there is something deeply wrong with me and I'm tired of myself and living

Why do I want to destroy everything? like the society, the country, the people, the church and specially your mother's anus with my dick

>>38397243
It's fairly obvious my parents didn't do a great job. My mother was a drunk and a drug addict who got fired from work for stealing opioids and my father was gone on business making money. When he came back he'd just scream at me when he was drunk about completely random shit.

They kicked me out of the house at 14. Now my mother is some "lovable" hippie out in the desert and my dad has a new family that thinks he's just the best since he sobered up since my childhood.

Now I have to deal with people saying how hard life is because dad slapped them a couple times or "things are just tough!" Eat shit, I work manual labor since I have no education due to being booted out of the home at 14. No high school, no nothing. Just digging ditches and wheelbarrows full of dirt all day, and that's after giving Uncle Sam some of my time.

>>38397268

OK, don't give up. Choose a name for yourself and let's see what we can do about it, alll right?

Give me a list of your symptoms and try to explain to me the things you fucked up; use examples, just so I can understand better.

>>38397269
>specially your mother's anus with my dick

If you knew my mother, you wouldn't want to go there.

>>38397305

That's rough. You never really had parents.

Are they still in touch with you?

>>38396986
They way you dressed it up makes it sound like she was saving orphans from the poorhouse. So perhaps the sentimentality was yours, not hers.

Going to hit the hay, nick. see ya another time, i'm not feeling well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goDd02TTxBA

>>38397354
I let my mother go because she's so selfish she won't even admit she ever did drugs with me around at home. (There were half-full bottles of opioids all over the place.)

My dad and I have tried to make up and get along but he never comes through on his promises even though he's sober now. It's always the same old bullshit about how "we'll do something together" and those things we're supposed to do were first brought up years ago. Granted, he keeps those promises to my step-siblings because their mother will dunk him if he doesn't keep his word with her children but me? Eh, whatever, it's just Ethan.

>>38397355

And maybe I feel a lot of emotions remembering her doing those things, things that very few other people would do, for fear that they'd look silly saving worms.

I'm not wasting one more second defending anyone's "sentimentality" when it comes from someone who enjoys crushing small animals to death.

I'll be a crying effeminate homosexual bitch any time over being whatever is required to be to do what you do. Mark my words.

>>38397362

I like that one as well.

Sleep well and talk to you soon!

>>38397325
You don't know me, I have weird tastes, you wouldnt understand

>>38397408

I see. I lost my family a few months ago, after realising I never really had any to begin with.

You must feel like an orphan. It's them, not you. Try not to take it personally, as anyone else in your situation would have been treated the same. Focus on that.

>>38397440

I sure hope that's not you again, Rich.

>>38397316
the main sympton of my fucked up brain is that not only did I fuck up my entire life, but I had delusions of grandeur, I resented everything I had. Now I'm unable to even lead an average life, and I convinced myself that such a life is not worth living, so I live out these fantasies in my head, of myself being an exceptional individual, when the fact is that I'm a huge loser. And when faced with the fact of the huge struggle to even it out and go back to "average life" that it's not even worth it, even if somehow I'd manage it, because I hate being average just as much as being a loser. Like I said, I'm filled with hate and regret

I have huge mood swings like this

Other than hating myself, I also hate my parents

>>38397478
Who is Rich?

>>38397414
I can see how it would be endearing. No need to get bent out of shape.

>>38397489

Tell me how you fucked up your life.

Tell me why you hate your parents.

How do your mood swings begin? How long do they last?

I am a faggot guys

>>38397511
>No need to get bent out of shape.

That's for me to choose, provided I saw this as "getting bent out of shape." And I don't.

You don't get to tell me how I should react to your words, just to be very clear. You may be used to repressing your own reactions and thus think that others should do the same, even to the point where you may want to tell others to follow suit, but you know what I think of that.

That reminds me of some other people who, after making a shit joke, say, "You have no sense of humor, you're no fun."

Sometimes jokes are shit.

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>>38397556
Well that's what I was driving at Nick because after all- WAIT A MINUTE

>>38397458
Oh, I know it's them, but I just get angrier and angrier at people who act like dips in public. I had a shitty childhood and have no education but somehow I manage to remember my manners in public. Why can't other people?

Why do those stupid anti-abortionists keep waving signs in my face? Can't they tell I'm always one inch away from sucker punching one of them?

I've been thinking of taking up boxing as a socially acceptable outlet for my aggression. Maybe I'll feel like I'm not always on the edge of manic violence when I have the chance to get the shit beat out of me a few times a month.

>>38397556

Rich, you really aren't good at this, in any way.

Someone else wouldn't have asked "Who is Rich?" They would have just said they weren't him. As soon as you got found out, you acted up.

Everyone can tell you put my trip in the namefield, and you forgot parts of it.

What would you do if I ignored you for months?

>>38397572
>Well that's what I was driving at

That was funny.

>>38397567
Actually, I just think you're being overly sensitive. I understand that it's a sore spot to say the least, but nevertheless it's a bit silly to get upset over it, especially when you're aware that that wasn't my intention. Sure, I can't stop you taking offense. The question is, why would you want to?

>>38397539
I hate my parents because I don't have anything in common with them. They are revolting to me and I can't talk with them and look at them.

They had me when their own life was shit and they didn't have a single thing sorted out, so I grew up in poverty. They just can't into having kids

Father never had time to get to know me because always working trying to provide even though he's shit at that. Also he's an alcoholic and I inherited being a weak, stupid bitch from him, and the tendencies to get addicted to studd

Mom is bipolar and can't into life either, also extremely stupid (borderline retarded). THey are working class and I hate this too

How I fucked my life: dropped out of uni, went abroad with an insane vision and ambition, a year later haven't achieved nothing but dug myself deeper into a dark void. Also couldn't keep any job longer than a few months

>>38397579

There's a lot to work on here.

I have to go to bed now, but feel free to stick around and share. It's interesting.

>>38397598
>Actually, I just think you're being overly sensitive.

Would you be surprised to think you're under sensitive?

I've had my fair share of empathetically impaired people acting like they were made of iron and "mentally strong" when in fact it's the exact opposite: pansies who can't handle emotions, and so repress them, become machine-like, and can't feel what they should in the right circumstances, causing all sorts of problems and aberrant behaviour.

>>38397580
Why are you so cruel Nick???

lets talk

lets be friends

BTW I am not Rich, don't even know who is this guy

>>38397633

We'll have to dig into these. Especially how you lose your jobs and such.

I must go to bed now. I can't hold on anymore. It's past 2 am here.

Good night everyone.

Troll, I will ignore you for quite some time now. I'm done with you. You bring nothing and have wasted all the second chances I gave you.

>>38397556
I will learn how to write your name eventually

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>>38397687
Goodnight, OP. I think your threads are kind of gay but you seem okay.

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>>38397633
Is this what caused you to seek out forbidden knowledge? Kosm senpai isn't going to notice you unless you up your game famalino
Had to make a joke but you're in good company. A lot of us here had a rough childhood and maintain strained relationships with parents at best

>>38397652
Again, you seem offended. Now then, I can well imagine that I'm under-sensitive. Probable even. I don't pretend to be some amazing stoic since I can absolutely flip out and become an emotional wreck. But in any case, it might behoove you to care just a touch less here and there. That's general advice actually.

>>38397567
penis penis
penis
asa
sa

a
a

>>38397718

Thanks. It's OK to be kind of gay. Things get more hardcore than you realise.

>>38397724
>But in any case, it might behoove you to care just a touch less here and there.

>implying I wouldn't do it if I could

That's like having someone drive a nail through your dick and be told, "You may want to feel a little less pain, Nick, you know?"

Yeah, I know.

I don't do it on purpose.

I'll leave you guys with the troll version of me. I bet this asswipe can't even make that funny.

>>38397766
Fair enough, yeah I see what a pointless statement that is in that case. Like telling a depressed person to cheer up. [RETRACTED]

>>38397724
I was destined to be the host of nightmare, yes

>>38397805
My favourite boss/ part of the game desu. Love the cinematography immortalised in that one gif as well. He seems like a cool guy anyway.

How many lurkers do we have? Say I or something

>>38397852
I'm still lurking.
I'll be going to sleep very soon though because it's really fucking late here.

>>38397837
yeah he was one of the best parts of the game, which imo didn't have a single weak moment and was 10/10 from beginning to end

File: I'll be leaving now.jpg (155KB, 959x540px) Image search: [Google]

155KB, 959x540px

>>38398003
More of a soulsfag myself. Loved the stake driver though, a standout soulsborne weapon. Anyway, would love to stay and chat but I'm to bed now. I'll be sure to talk to you next time you're about. Night all.

My problem with these threads is there seems to be a hostility towards anyone unwilling to better themselves so I just come on here and reinforce how much of an asshole I am