Feels, talking,venting,comfy thread.

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In my current state I am an abomination, a blemish, and I stand out from how much of a failure I am. I'll inevitably wind up homeless when my hiki dad dies. The problem with that is, I am incapable of interacting with humans or asking for help. If I asked for help I'd be a liar, as I cannot be helped. I never asked to be hiki. I asked for none of this. I ask people to kill me, to throw me away, and they don't. I can't leave my room. I'm incapable of mustering courage to hang like the rodent I am. I was born, but I've never wanted to live or to die. Assisted suicide should be a human right. My mother abandoned me and my father taught me fuck all. He's even worse than me. Born to a schizo and a hiki. I'm both. Fucking shit out of mary's sewer into this floating chunk of shit-eating rock rats. I used to wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, run outside and just run and run and run. I'd have a dream where I was someone else, where I wasn't a subhuman elephant man. All I could do was run, never stopping to think, desperately racing towards that dream. Perhaps I was just running from this one. I don't dream now. My life is a nightmare, so I don't differentiate anymore. Waking up and getting out of bed, the act of my feet hitting the floor, my reflection in the mirror, that first thought, I dread it every day. It feels like I'm at the gates of hell, getting ready to burn another day. I'm expired meat. Empty vessel. Ash and pig slop. When I look at people now I don't see living beings. I just see the shape of their skeletons and what they'll look like when they've rotted. The only relief I can hold onto is that I'm so used to stomaching garbage down my gullet here on earth that when I get tossed in the trash dumps of hell It'll be just like waking up in my bed.

Have a nice day!

>>38174889
I think that's not a copypasta. I feel the same way Anon, but I have some good days too. It's easy to forget the good and focus on the bad. I often do that too. Try to focus on what's good. Even the smallest things. There is hope for everyone.

>>38174889
might as well get bux and enjoy the hiki life: gaming pc, comfy chair, pizza delivery, etc. but exercise too.

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>>38174925
Nope it's not a copypasta but a lot of people always think my posts are copypasta and ignore me.

I don't have good days or hope anymore. I can't even focus on good or bad because my thoughts are completely disconnected and incoherent messes with no starting or stopping point. Only when I write do I manage to convey any form of structure or clarity, and even then it's murky. But yeah, there is nothing good. Not a single thing. I feel no pleasure and advice is futile. Just venting!

>>38174990
I don't have bux, I don't know how to drive, I don't know how to do any basic self-sufficient or responsible tasks and I live in the slums inside of the desert. I don't have an ID, I don't have healthcare, I don't have family members or a single relationship or acquaintance or person that knows I exist outside of hiki dying dad, I have debilitating schizophrenia and I can't go outside or interact with other humans, make eye contact or even step outside my door. I didn't go to school, learned everything I know on this computer someone donated to me 10 years ago and I wouldn't even be able to use a phone if I had one to order pizza. If I had bux I would give it to a hitman and place a hit on myself.

>>38175178
One step at a time Anon. You can at least communicate online. Where do you live? If you're in USA I think you can get some help. If you do get help, that's at least something good my taxes are being used for.