Psychological Issues #80

It always starts slow. That's when I'm the most available. I must go in 1:20, I'll be back after that.

Now's the time, don't be coy.

Oh well... OP and his thread.

Will dump archives, tests, resources.

I'm wearing contact lenses for the first time today. It's quite a trip. One step closer to Chadhood.

Psychological Issues Archives

1 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35498409/
2 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35521806/
3 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35541735/
4 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35547290/
5 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35567230/
6 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35668421/
7 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35689780/
8 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35716442/
9 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35740738/
10 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35763440/
11 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35777773/
12 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35803625/
13 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35835561/
14 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35855848/
15 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35876435/
16 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35882457/
17 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35906378/
18 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35926221/
19 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35945942/
20 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35971403/
21 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35994443/
22 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36019645/
23 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36040635/
24 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36089774/
25 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36093480/
26 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36108068/
26 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36132647/
27 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36158561/
28 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36183284/
29 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36210653/
30 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36244000/

Some threads happened twice because I misnumbered.

31 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36259571/
32 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36284773/
33 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36294613/
34 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36315834/
35 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36347338/
36 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36362980/
37 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36376102/
38 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36394647/
39 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36414900/
Bar Session - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36425918/
40 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36441841/
41 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36464463/
42 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36497331/
43 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36520550/
44 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36546008/
45 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36566894/
46 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36593662/
47 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36620323/
Bar Session - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36644294/
48 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36664702/
49 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36697612/
50 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36721283/
51 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36745035/
52 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36773599/
53 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36794358/
54 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36814374/
55 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36842342/
56 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36869693/
57 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36889638/
58 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36917996/
59 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36947320/
60 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36967412/

61 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36987179/
62 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37015031/
63 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37040728/
64 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37085943/
65 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37105759/
66 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37130800/
Psychological Support - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37154739/
Psychological Support - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37171552/
67 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37198958/
68 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37220653/
69 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37239171/
70 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37270112/
71 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37558329/
72 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37583554/
73 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37600377/
74 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37706039/
74 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37640621/
75 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37729443/
76 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37824755/
77 / https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37849700/
78 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/38014184/
79 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/38035776/

Tests

https://www.depression-anxiety-stress-test.org/take-the-test.html
http://www.celebritytypes.com/dark-triad/test.php
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20151123-how-dark-is-your-personality
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/do-i-have-ocd
https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/borderline.htm
http://www.pdchat.co.uk/psychtests/stpd/stypal.php
https://pcsearle.com/screening/screen_des.html
http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20151123-how-dark-is-your-personality
http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/
https://psychology-tools.com/empathy-quotient/
http://www.educateautism.com/infographics/sally-anne-test.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests/health/mental-health-assessment

I'll hang out in your thread but I have nothing new other than getting back on welbutrin along with ritalin and no real progress to comment on. Going to get myself set up with talk therapy sessions this month with a counselor I used to see but never really confided in either.

>>38057271
sup Nick. why'd you decide to go for contacts?

also what's it like to actually feel sorry for someone, not just afraid the same thing is gonna happen to yourself? i cant seem to wrap my mind around it

>>38057329

Counselors aren't always legit psychologists. What are your symptoms?

>>38057336

I wanted contacts to look less nerdy. I'm halfway between a nerd and a Chaddie Chad Chad now, so I have growing muscles plus glasses. I wanted the option to look less nerdy when I wanted. It's also amazing to have a complete field of vision and not facial obstructions. Amazing, honestly.

Eyes still watering from having foreign objects against them, though. Going back in an hour to see the results of that short test period.

>also what's it like to actually feel sorry for someone, not just afraid the same thing is gonna happen to yourself? i cant seem to wrap my mind around it

Oh boy. Give me a minute, I'll write a post on it.

>>38057336
>also what's it like to actually feel sorry for someone, not just afraid the same thing is gonna happen to yourself?

I guess, for me, it makes little difference whether something happens to someone else or myself. It's almost the same to me and distresses me similarly. Have you ever a had pet? If so, did you care for it very much?

It's like I care for all humans, and whenever I see on in distress, I go to help. I have to.

Whats my problem? I really found a way to talk girls, somehow I make them laugh and Im more open, but I cant do it with guys, its impossible to get friends for me, I think that talking to guys is a wste of times and i feel like a complete beta around any of them. But when Im with girls is totally different, I feel i could fuck any of them and Im really open.

So the result is that always get a gf but 0 friends. No friends at all and everytime I broke up with a girl Im crush.

>>38057453

With guys, try to focus on an activity. Or try to find the sort of guys you like. Or just have female friends.

>>38057364
>>38057404
oh man i thought people got used to wearing glasses. what torture it must be to have less than perfect sight.

>it makes little difference whether something happens to someone else or myself
that's really interesting. a guru i watched said that that's how his enlightenment happened. he could not tell the difference between himself and someone else.
so either you're enlightened or that level of empathy is achievable to common people as well!

i never had a pet. my sister had a hamster though, i thought it was cute and fun to play with for a while. the same way some toys were fun to play with. although most of all i found her to be really annoyingly attached to it. didnt seem like she actually cared for it though.

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>>38057364
I'm aware he's not a legitimate psychologist, just someone I hope to be able to open up to and vent since I've had a long running history of not talking about problems. I'm severely depressed and have been for around eight or nine years now, also pretty heavily disassociated and I've got concerns about personality disorder but I've been resistant to help as I really wanted to try and live a happy and normal life through sheer willpower rather than getting meds and help which I halfassedly tried and failed in high school. Turns out I'm pretty shit at managing symptoms by myself. Just took that PD test a moment ago for a frame of reference, I've had concerns about the higher ones for years now so it's probably not a fluke.

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>>38057547
>so either you're enlightened or that level of empathy is achievable to common people as well!

Whether empathy can be improved or not is a crucial topic to me. I don't know the answer yet.

Do you ever imagine being other people?

>>38057552

Maybe you should consult a psychiatrist/psychologist about that stuff.

Any obvious causes to your depression?

>>38057477
Most of the times Im around guys its because I go to play soccer. And Im pretty quiet, when I was in school i had a lot of friends, but I dont trust them anymore since they hide me a lot of things that my ex did. I keep talking to them but only to play soccer or those things, not to trust them in anyway.

I only have friends that are friends with my gf. I mean that the only group of "friends" I have most of the times its my gf's group of friends, so they are HER friends not mine, and when something happend with the girl I "lost" them too.

the thing around female friends that are not friends with my gf, is that they can never be "onnly friends" understand? Always something else happens and then I take distance or they take distance.

I broke up with my gf last days, she was everything for me for the last 3 years, and I really didint cheat on her thats why I "rejected" to have any female freinds around that time, and now Im lonely as fuck. I cant find any activity since I dont have time besides work and at work there are only people around 40-50 years old, so I cant do anything with them.

Thread is too slow. I'm going to write a form for the thread.

>>38057568
>Do you ever imagine being other people?
i dont think i've ever imagined myself as actually being someone else. having someones elses resources, abilities and jobs? yes. but not actually living as someone else.

it's only recently that i realized that i didnt see other people and animals as actual living beings.

>>38057585
I know that I should see a professional who specifically deals with mental illness, but it was hard enough for me to accept that I should talk to my primary care physician about depression. One step at a time.

As far as causes go I was a relatively normal and happy kid up until I wanted to die around age 13-14. After that it was a constant downhill struggle as people I cared about started dying, drug and alcohol abuse but not dependence, dropping out of highschool twice, working shit jobs that I either walked out on or got fired from and being forced to move around (currently back with parents as I had hit the point that I couldn't deal anymore). Hard to say why it started but I've had nothing but reasons for it to keep getting worse over time.

>>38057657
>it's only recently that i realized that i didnt see other people and animals as actual living beings.

This is generally due to arrested development in infancy. Babies feel like they're the only living thing originally, they're everything. Then they gradually understand that solipsism isn't real. People who tend to have issues with solipsism also tend to have abusive childhoods. Many here would confirm this.

I struggled with this around 11 but overcame it eventually.

Try imagining being other people in specific situations more often. It may help.

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why do these dumb psychologist, therapists, neuropsychologist, and counselors just keep giving me shitty pills that dont do shit.
>its another psychologist tells me to just b urself episode
>its another go to the psychologist and do nothing but get refills on medicine that doesn't work to fill his shekels episode

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>>38057680
>but it was hard enough for me to accept that I should talk to my primary care physician about depression

Maybe not as useful as you may expect. They will prescribe meds and you won't be any the wiser for it.

>As far as causes go I was a relatively normal and happy kid up until I wanted to die around age 13-14.

If you can see specific reasons for this sudden depression, your childhood may not have been quite as you remember it.

>>38057705
forgot name mb

>>38057705
>why do these dumb psychologist, therapists, neuropsychologist, and counselors just keep giving me shitty pills that dont do shit.

Because it's an industry.

I had the same level of depression some months ago. Take a name and let's kick some ass together.

OK, here's the tentative form. Fill it out and let's see. I'll fill it out to for keks.

Psychological Issues Form

1. name:
2. age:
3. sex:
4. symptoms:
5. causes:
6. condition(s):
7. childhood trauma(s):
8. other trauma(s):
9. mother's mental state during childhood and adolescence:
10. father's mental state during childhood and adolescence:

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I'm suicidal and I want to die. I hate work and don't want to be a leach on society and my family, but I can't be interested in living a long life of pointless work. I'm not really good at anything and I really only enjoy getting high and shitposting. Basically, I'm a waste of flesh, I know it, and I'm planning on dying soon. My last suicide attempt was in January and I almost made it but somebody revived me. They are watching me really careful now. There are no guns allowed in my country so it's harder than it seems. I'm not really depressed, I just don't want to be here. Why can't I die?

>>38057760
Shit I forgot the name here. Just call me "John G."

>>38057697
>Try imagining being other people in specific situations more often
thanks, i'll try.

im not sure my dad has realized other people are living beings yet. it's giving me mixed feelings. im slightly worried that means i wont be able to do it, but also i think it's an explanation as to why i didnt get to learn that was the case.

does having parent(s) with solipsism issues count as abuse?

>>38057713
I had already dropped the childhood and parental history the only other time I was in these threads, must have been a couple weeks ago now. the short version is that while it wasn't perfect, my fucked mental situation doesn't remotely reflect how relatively easy I had it while growing up. I was loved and cared for and not in poverty and I still managed to not care about my life and watch it fall apart. Even when I've tried to fix specific problems other ones would get worse or new ones would show up at a faster rate than I could hope to deal with.

>>38057705

Well think about the issue of mental space and time. A psychologist has just as many (few) hours in the day as you. This psychologist has his\her own life, they have shit they have to get done day to day AND personal things they want to do, some are even parents. How could they possibly dedicate significant amounts of their mental time to you? Do you think they waste time thinking about you outside of sessions? It's unlikely - they have other customers, too!

So how could they possibly get 'inside' your issues if you the intelligent, conscious being actually working through them can't sort your issues out? What are the odds that your issues are even being that clearly communicated by you, let alone received by the psychologist and analysed appropriately? When it comes to considering your issues and trying to help, empathy has to be limited too, because there's also the issue of 'professionalism', and appropriate distance. I know from helping out on 7cups as a listener that the worst thing for me was how while some people come from help with an individual issue, get some advice or encouragement and go off, others need more than that - but how can you help or feel REAL empathy for them without PERSONALLY getting involved and becoming a 'friend'?

It's a worthless model of help, meant to exploit you.

Psychological Issues Form

1. name: Nick
2. age: 34
3. sex: enormous
4. symptoms: depression, anxiety, fainting, trembling, nausea, dry-heaving, self-harm (mostly in the past), extreme emotions, impossible breakups, social anxiety, derealisation, and a fuckload of other things.
5. causes: abusive childhood, isolation later in life
6. condition(s): C-PTSD, some Borderliner crap, major depressive disorder.
7. childhood trauma(s): too many to list.
8. other trauma(s): /
9. mother's mental state during childhood and adolescence: non-human due to being raised like a machine and shocked to the core by rape and beatings.
10. (foster) father's mental state during childhood and adolescence: violently angry narc, non-human, prone to violence, anger, verbal abuse, physical abuse, exhibitionism, etc.

It's a bit shit. I'll rework that form. Criticism welcome.

>>38057760

Dear John,

Now I care about you and I don't want you to die. Stick around, it may take some time, but progress can happen. I have to go very soon, but I want you to hold on. If you're good at shitposting, then please shitpost to the best of your abilities in this thread; as long as you make it fun for yourself and others, I won't mind.

I have to get ready but when I come back, I'd like you to list your situation in more details. You aren't hopeless and you're worth much more than you imagine for now. Trust me on this.

>>38057781
>does having parent(s) with solipsism issues count as abuse?

Put like that, no, but such parents will definitely impair their children, if only because you'll never truly exist to them. I had such parents. Zero empathy, zero understanding that children are their own people. As kids, we were expected to have the discipline of adults, and we were made to, so we behaved like robots, just like my mother had been raised, I am sure.

Some people aren't fit to be parents.

>>38057816
a lot of the points would be very difficult to answer for someone who hasn't done a lot of therapy already.

maybe have them be more general? especially about parents, seems like a lot of people here consider their parents to be completely normal until they start talking about them and having weird shit pointed out

>>38057793
>how relatively easy I had it while growing up.

I thought I had it easy too.

I have to go right now. I'll be back in some time.

>>38057865
i still dont think i had it that bad, but right now im mostly feeling confused. so i'll let it rest.

take care

>>38057816

Tell us the story of how you were raped, please.

1. Ry
2. 18
3. Male
4. symptoms: depression, mild anxiety, deep emotional numbness
5. causes: Reclusive behavior, likely from a form of asperger's.
6. condition(s): diagnosed with severe depression, ADHD, anxiety.
7. childhood trauma(s): lack of a strong parental figure as they were always working. I almost died quite a few times as well.
8. other trauma(s):
9. mother's mental state during childhood and adolescence: self-absorbed, depressed, ADHD.
10. father's mental state during childhood and adolescence: withdrawn, stoic, has a cold demeanor, but always means well even though he allows his emotions to get the best of him.

Hello everyone

I cried myself to sleep yesterday so that was fun.
Last time i cried was when doctor told me my cat is dying and that was more than a year ago.
Since then nothing until yesterday.
Also wanted tocry at work but i didnt

sup Atlas
what made you cry?

While Nick isnt here Im going to point out that I wore my Hollywood Undead t-shirt the whole day and listened to them all the time.

A nice reminder of my happy days

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzZBtZVfDOg
>We all die a little sometimes, it's alright
Also dem feelies

>>38058305
Hey

I dont even know, I guess it had something to do with me being at my friends house again and talking about life.
It always ends with me talking about my issues so maybe bringing it up made me feel bad
I dont really know. It just happened

Still going strong? Damn.

Today is supposed to be the big day.
We'll see what happens.

I don't know if she's ready for this, but no one is ever ready for anything serious in life.

>>38058429
oh it was something bad to be crying?
i cry extremely rarely, but last time i did i found it liberating. like i was finally alive again.
and also i felt sad as fuck obv.

>>38057796
>Do you think they waste time thinking about you outside of sessions? It's unlikely -

They do. The ones that work under a doctor do something called "supervision" where everyone discusses their patients, to get second opinions and different perspectives, to be sure they're doing things right.

>>38058573
Im not saying crying itself is bad.
It's just very rare for me

And of course It means im doing bad again...
I feel like the thoughts of selfharm and suicide are slowly creeping in my head again

>>38057898

All good points.

>>38057987

Did you have fun with your parents?

>>38058003
>Tell us the story of how you were raped, please.

I wasn't, my mother was.

>>38058100

You most likely don't have the asps.

>father
>stoic, allows his emotions to get the best of him

I'm confused.

>>38058666

Oh sorry I misread, so she was raped?? How did you find out??

>>38058133

What made you cry?

OK, you answered afterwards.

>>38058632
>And of course It means im doing bad again...

Crying means you're more in tune with how you feel, not just that things are bad again. I started crying a lot when things got better, in fact, like I was thawing after a few frozen months.

>>38058691

Without names, I'll assume you're trolling.

She was raped by my biological father, not long after my birth. I was right next to the scene. It happened twice, and some ribs were broken and she was strangled half to death. My mother told me recently. For years afterwards, my adoptive father and herself took it all out on me because I was the rapist's son. They're probably not aware of it. That's my best conclusion so far.

>>38058632
i thought the same way Nick did. crying is a sign that shit is working again. dont try to stop it or hide it, that'll just break stuff.

>>38058641
my parents took me to places where i had fun, i also had fun with them around. but i cant recall actually doing something together with my parents that were fun. at times i brought one of them along to do sometime fun, but thinking back i think that was for my confidences sake, not so much that i wanted(got?) their participation.

>>38058728

I'm not trolling.

My question is though, can you really believe that she was raped? Isn't it possible this is some story she's told you to justify his exclusion or something? Did you meet your bio father?

>>38058770
>but i cant recall actually doing something together with my parents that were fun.

That's very important. It's exactly the same to me. I can't recall having fun with them. I remember playing some sports with my father, but it wasn't fun. He would get upset. I was constantly walking on eggshells, hoping he wouldn't fail anything so he wouldn't get upset.

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>>38058693
I never cried when I felt better

As I said I remember only a few times when I cried
Once it was because of the cat i grew up with
Other time it was while i had blood dripping to the floor from my hand.
left a sick scar.

I dont really think that knowing that I would get drunk af and hurt myself again right now if noone was home means Im doing better

>>38058785
>My question is though, can you really believe that she was raped? Isn't it possible this is some story she's told you to justify his exclusion or something? Did you meet your bio father?

She has been known to lie, but having hidden this fact for decades, I tend to believe it. Considering her second choice of a man, I'm inclined to believe she goes for dysfunctional pussies who try to be alpha. I haven't talked to him, but I might have found his sister. I have an e-mail ready for her. Maybe it's time to send shit out.

>>38058825
>I never cried when I felt better

Sometimes feeling worse is part of the path to getting better. That's why many people stay stuck in comfortable mental illness rather than face the issue and feel like shit for a while.

>I dont really think that knowing that I would get drunk af and hurt myself again right now if noone was home means Im doing better

The most important is to be in touch with yourself, to feel what you need to feel, not to repress it. Let it happen, let it flow.

>>38058937
>feel what you need to feel, not to repress it. Let it happen, let it flow.

I hope that means listening to depressing music and watching Donnie Darko while eating candy coz thats what im gonna do for the rest of my evening

>>38058996

If it helps, do it, but consider doing something else.

Stick around and listen to happy poppy teenage music. Like this:

https://youtu.be/qV5lzRHrGeg

>>38058996
Donnie is a top tier depressioncore movie choice. I wish they were a little more clear about the time traveling nonsense they throw at you without explanation but it's still good times.

>>38056924
yo dr nick i was makin some dank beats on my room and smoking w33d and then my father shot me wat do

>>38058818
>He would get upset. I was constantly walking on eggshells, hoping he wouldn't fail anything so he wouldn't get upset.
i never experience my parents getting upset in that way. i didnt avoid doing stuff with them out of fear, as i recall it i felt they didnt commit to the game enough. they couldnt engage to the point that it broke my immersion(not only referring to vidya here). so it was simply not fun to play with them.

>>38059028

I can explain some of the movie if you'd like. It's more Christic than about time travel.

>>38059036

Call an ambulance for your wound, call the cops for your dad.

>>38058841

It's just something I wondered about because I've seen a lot of cases of parental alienation and false accusations of rape from women - I wonder how often women use the accusation of rape as a 'rationalisation' to give to their children.

>>38058996
Sounds pretty good tho. Depressing music can be good, Donnie Darko is a great movie and there's nothing wrong with sweets.

>>38059053

Tell me about bed time. What happened?

>>38059058
>It's just something I wondered about because I've seen a lot of cases of parental alienation and false accusations of rape from women

I've been threatened with that, but in that case, my mother has nothing to gain by admitting it.

What would she rationalise with the rape thing? I wasn't conceived in rape, it happened afterwards. I was conceived in selfish lust. My mother was my father's dick sheath and little more, but she doesn't even seem to realise that much even now, decades later.

>>38059056
Oh I've long since learned about what the fuck happened during the last scenes in the movie, I'm aware of the whole martyr situation and themes they wanted to get across but the first time I watched it I didn't know what in the hell I was supposed to get from that ending.

>>38058996
unless you intend to dwell on it im in favor of surrendering completely to the depression. but only if you can do it completely, i find it can be a way to get it out of your system.

if you cant commit 100% to feeling as shit as possible only for as long as you need it, then i'd def go for the poppy approach.

>>38059020
this is clearly a better carly song :^)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50-_oTkmF5I

>>38059105

I meant as a way of explaining his absence. I mean maybe he was a perfectly normal dude, she slept with him but she had problems and forced him to leave. This seems to be very common, then she makes up this story at some point to you, seeing that you wonder what happened to him and why. She wants you to remain on side to her, and see her as a victim? It's only a sugestion\question, I'm not trying to claim this is the case. Just wondered what you thought.

>>38059112
>situation and themes they wanted to get across but the first time I watched it I didn't know what in the hell I was supposed to get from that ending.

That's fine, me either.

>>38059132
>unless you intend to dwell on it im in favor of surrendering completely to the depression. but only if you can do it completely, i find it can be a way to get it out of your system.

I would term it differently: feel what you have to feel. It's not surrendering to anything, it's just allowing you to process emotions.

Making yourself feel shitter won't help. Your brain might be more malleable than you know.

>>38059150

I've entertained those ideas too, especially since I know she lies. Until recently, the version I had was that he beat her and was mean. She always seemed very concerned about me meeting him, which of course makes it sound like he might have a different story. Who knows.

Very close to shooting that message to my tentative aunt.

>>38059241

What's stopping you from sending it? I believe you're going to find out one day anyway.

>>38059080
as a toddler they would read for me, i dont remember feeling anything in particular about it.

growing older i didnt want to go to bed (and i still usually dont), staying up was too comfy. there was very little arguing though. i would insist on being tucked in and i didnt want whoever did it to leave.
i wasnt scared of the dark or monsters or anything like that. though i remember lying as close to the wall as possible just in case.


i'll be gone for a while now

Hello everyone!

How is everyone doing?

>>38059263

Just unusual to write to strangers who might be your family.

Dear Madam,

You might be my aunt. Top kek, eh?

Is your brother a rapist? If yes, then most def, you're my auntie. Cool shit.

Sincerely,

Rape Baby

>>38056924
Alright how do I fix my emotional issues,or better yet the lack of them. I don't know how to describe it other then being empty.

Its to the point that everyone thinks I just don't care about anything (which is mostly true) and I want to experiance feeling again.

I also want to have some drive or passion towards the one thing I care about, I also think it will be helpful in making a connection with people

>>38059285

People write letters all the time to people asking about that sort of thing, also for ancestry-related questions.

Just try to be as disarming and normal as possible so she doesn't think it's some sort of scam or you're crazy.

Do it. Also, no shame in being a rape baby.

>>38059308

How do you explain your lack of emotions? When did this begin?

Were you punished for showing emotions as a child?

>>38059310
>Just try to be as disarming and normal as possible so she doesn't think it's some sort of scam or you're crazy.

I should say I'm a Nigerian prince.

Technically, I wasn't a rape baby. Not much better though.

>>38059339

>Technically, I wasn't a rape baby. Not much better though.

Every single person who exists was born out of ugliness and iniquity. It's meaningless, so don't value yourself any less.

>>38059372

I'm fine, even if I had been a rape baby. I disagree with what you said, though. I work with kids who were both wanted and planned and were born to a loving family. As depressing as it sounds, it's OK if monsters didn't plan to have me. Or tried to kill me afterwards, and then avenged themselves on my small person.

Mutherfucker

I tried to respond to everyone twice and both times it got removed.

Im just gonna go watch

>>38059281
Fuck, I forgot my trip. How are you doing, Nick? You've been creating threads for three days now. That's not good.

>>38059476

I'm on holidays. Until my pack of bitches invite me to a BBQ, I'm available. I went for an eye test today, for contacts. Boy, the pain.

I failed putting that shit in hardcore. Took over 20 attempts. Touching your eyeball is unnatural. I'm sore.

But it's great being able to see fine. Once I'm used to them, it'll feel like I can actually see normally.

Chad, here I come.

How are you?

>>38059327
Nothing invokes an emotion, for example think of something that makes you sad,mad,glad,uncomfortable and then imagine, feeling the same constantly ,every hour ,every minute ,

Parents never punished me for emotions, but I became a recluse somewhere in middle school, and really, really hated myself, and others, thought about sucide everyday from the age of 8 to 16 never talked to anyone during the summer,except for my parents, who I don't remember even trying to talk to me(I think my mom liked me being a recluse).

I think that maybe just didn't develop socially and never learned to properly process emotions. All of this started in highschool btw.

Also have shit memory if that helps.

>>38059520
Has a pack of bitches and says "Chad, here I come". Doesn't make sense, lel.

It's good that you're not making threads just cause you're feeling like shit.

I'm doing kinda better I guess. I try to be bitter hateful a lot less. I talked to some people here yesterday, tried not to danrail, still kinda did.

Oh also I found this great website where you can read texts in foreign languages and when you tap/click a word it shows you the translation. Much more convenient than having to go to the dictionary. Also read my first B2 level text. I had to look up words though. On average one in every sentence. Still not bad as far as I am concerned.

>>38059520
Contacts are great but it took me about a month until I got used to poke in my eye
It took me so many attempts that the lady didnt want to let me go home coz she knew I wouldnt be able to take them off in the evening

It really feels like not having retarded eyes.
Just be careful about cleaning them and leaving them on for too long

>>38059543
>who I don't remember even trying to talk to me(I think my mom liked me being a recluse).

Alarm bells going off.

At the risk of sounding like a living meme, I'd like to know more about your parents. Can you describe the following:

- a meal together
- an argument
- evening activities together
- holidays abroad
- something about sex

Anecdotes are great.

>I think that maybe just didn't develop socially and never learned to properly process emotions. All of this started in highschool btw.

Social development is what your parents teach you as you grow up, you learn from them. Explicitly or implicitly. You absorb what they live.

I grew up fearing murder at night. I only learned that my mother feared being murdered in our home for most of my childhood a few weeks ago. Thanks mom! I love your anxiety, which would have remained mysterious had you not decided to go nuts and threaten to sue me, while trying to punish me with this important piece of information.

Next life, God, I want a normal family. Thanks.

>>38059520
You get used to it pretty fast. I remember the first few times being shitty as all hell till I got the method down.

>>38059614
The more you talk about it the less it happens, right? Rage feels good when it's novel.

>>38059614
>Has a pack of bitches and says "Chad, here I come". Doesn't make sense, lel.

I confuse my audience on purpose. I'm coming to Chad with my pack of bitches. I'll be the uber Chad.

>It's good that you're not making threads just cause you're feeling like shit.

Now it's more literally just to help people because I like it. I'm gonna have a ball when I'm a therapist. Before that, I was scared of people's pasts. Stories of abuse scared me, because, I realise now, it connected to myself in ways I didn't know. I felt ill at ease but wasn't sure why; I assumed it was just empathy. Now I know better, but having faced my own demons, I feel invincible. I can face IRL people telling me they want to die and I don't flinch. Instead, boundless love emanates from my little person until the death-seeker feels better.

I ran into her again today, she was taking her daughter outside. We said hi and she had a huge smile on her face.

I haven't even done all that much.

>>38059632
>The more you talk about it the less it happens, right?
Well for me it's more like, the more I try to talk people into not being bitter and negative, the less bitter I become myself. When you repeat something, more so when you play the "devils advocate" the more it gets into your mind, into your habits.

So for me talking about how others should be positive is in a way a therapy. It's reinforcing these beliefs in my head. And boy do I need that.

>>38059614
>I'm doing kinda better I guess. I try to be bitter hateful a lot less. I talked to some people here yesterday, tried not to danrail, still kinda did.

We absolutely need to hire an artist to make us dank memes.

B2 level in what, German?

>>38059632
Sorry, I went to sleep last night after you replied to me

>>38059672
>Now I know better, but having faced my own demons, I feel invincible. I can face IRL people telling me they want to die and I don't flinch.
Yeah I already talked about it before. Many people who don't experience some of the shit we did, they're just really shocked to hear these things.

I was talking to this female colleague of mine. I mean she has a lawyer husband, two teenage daughters (twins by the way), they have good money, they went to good schools and their daughters are also going to good schools. When I mentioned one story from my middle school, she just stood and looked at me with her mouth open. I don't know if she was shook by the story or by me saying it. But yeah, I don't think she faced that much. Ever.

If some of you are interested, it was a story about how one of my friends blew his hand off with a homemade explosive.

>>38059686
No worries at all, I was high as hell last night. I was supposed to be finished with weed today, but me and the SO pushed it back one day... Hopefully she's still down for this. We both really need it, no matter how shitty it is.

>>38059677
I totally get that, obviously. I'm doing the same thing.

>>38059614
>Oh also I found this great website where you can read texts in foreign languages and when you tap/click a word it shows you the translation.

Actually, GIBS. Sounds useful.

>>38059625
>It took me so many attempts that the lady didnt want to let me go home coz she knew I wouldnt be able to take them off in the evening

Mine told me she'd only let me go home with them if I could remove them. I was able to remove them more easily than I could put them on, but there's a problem in my right eye, and I need special contacts with a weight in them, so they keep the same position. So I'll have to go back and test other contacts made from another substance. Very high tech shit.

My eyes still hurt from all the lid holding and poking.

>>38059685
There are some already. Like that one I saw yesterday with your trip on a guys head with a caption

"When you haven't told anyone that their parents are narcs for 5 minutes"

That was pretty fucking funny.

Also yeah. German. Russian is much easier for me, since lots of the vocabulary is similar, so is the sentence structure. Ironically I can already read a wikipedia article in russian easily even though I started later with it.

>>38059677

Keep doing that, speak to yourself in your head, it helps a lot. Verbalise how you should behave, it works.

>>38059754
>I don't know if she was shook by the story or by me saying it. But yeah, I don't think she faced that much. Ever.

She was shocked by the story, not the fact that you told her. Dan, your stories are hardcore as fuck. It's a much nicer world out there. We just come from the lower levels of its hell.

Do tell the story. My grandfather blew some fingers off as a kid, but it wasn't a dare.

>>38059755
>I totally get that, obviously. I'm doing the same thing.
Yeah I mean I got myself to where I am by doing exactly the same thing, only with the bitter and negative. The way out must be the same. I just hope it won't take so long.

>>38059772
It's readlang.com

They have some "premium" mode like these websites usually do to get funding, but even for free you can use it well.

>>38059785

You're a wiz kid. Language genie!

>>38059824

Thank you!

>>38059812
Well the guy was usually called "the little chemist". He was a nazi, always listening to nazi bands and fighting vietnamese/gypsy kids. I liked him, cool guy. Well he started playing with fireworks that he bought but obviously these are pretty meek. Even the strongest ones won't blow your hand off. So he started googling. This was about 2005, so lots of shit was on the internet very easy to find. And he started making his own "fireworks". He ramped up the destructive powers and one day he just made a mistake. It was some kind of "white stuff". Not sure. Well this mistake cost him all of his fingers on one hand (he only has a stump with something resembling a thumb). Also he can only hear with one ear and he has these nasty scars on his face from the shrapnel. The explosive squad actually had to dispose of the rest of the explosives that were in his room, made some big boom. He was 13/14 I think.

Nowadays he's finished his masters degree in chemistry the last I've heard from him. He actually works as a chemist.

Here are some of my plans for the summer:

- cleaning up
- getting my intercom repaired
- ordering a home gym
- ordering a real computer
- going on a trip or two
- going out with workmates and friends
- maybe trying dating websites (tough because my heart still isn't home)
- getting contacts
- getting my hair done
- registering to study again

>>38059626
Well before I moved out at 18( they kicked me out btw,and then threatened to call immigration on brown but legal family that let me stay with them,but they only threatened after I got my food stamps switched over to myself so I wouldn't be to much of a burden on brown family) we was not eating much, but when we did eat i would go to my room, my dad to the couch,my mom to her room. But now I'm living with my sister so idk.

I've not had an argument until the last few days when they "kicked me out" I mostly just kept my head down, never hung around them much, my mom slapped my sis really hard when sis came home drunk. My other sis and dad got into a heated argument(this sis is an on and off methhead so are my parents I've lately come to know) and then my sister punched him,he then proceeded to punch her ,then she threw a whole peach cobbler at him(I was upset about the cobbler) and then she stormed out

Don't remember many evenings other then fishing with my dad when I was six

Never left my state other then living with my sis

I'm a virgin

>>38059917
>He was a nazi, always listening to nazi bands and fighting vietnamese/gypsy kids. I liked him, cool guy

Only in this thread. I had to kek.

>He was 13/14 I think.

God damn. The little chemist reduced his mass even more.

>actually works as a chemist

Some badass origin story.

File: Screenshot_3.png (826KB, 1072x939px) Image search: [Google]

826KB, 1072x939px

>>38059772
When it comes to high tech Im still waiting to get my eyes and removed and getting robotic ones with terminator vision

Why cant I be a cyborg yet...


Also Donnie's doctor creeps me out more than anyone else in the movie

>>38059944
>they kicked me out btw,and then threatened to call immigration

Quite a start there...

Holy fuck... That's some dysfunctional family right there. Were you saying your upbringing was normal?

>>38059983

Patrick Swayze used some of his shirts from the actual 80's for that movie. Swayze's wife was a crazy abusive cunt, probably a narc. It could be a cool case study.

Also, Trent Reznor is a Borderliner of the purest sort, and so was Kurt Cobain. So if you find yourself in their lyrics, consider that. I know I did. We could do some text analysis and stuff.

>>38059824
I feel that for certain.

>>38059983
Honestly, stick around for another 30 years. We're at the end of humanity already. It'll either be us or our kids.

>>38059937
I found cleaning up to be incredibly therapeutic. One of my biggest recommendations.

>>38060005
Not gonna lie that reply made me laugh,but I honostly don't know what constitutes a normal familyn I guess every family I've seen has been a bit abnormal

>>38059080
im back, curious as to what you have to say about this >>38059268

>>38059020
i realized what i linked wasnt even carly. this was the one i was really thinking about
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWNaR-rxAic

I don't even know where to start. I've been off my pills for 3 months now, and the telepathic connection is getting stronger, I'm suddenly empathizing and sympathizing with people, finding out what they really mean with a bit less information, and I'm getting better at extracting the info as well. Every time it gets to this point it's like moving up a tier, I became slightly better at this phenomenon, but I become a worse person, and in the physical world, what I know to be the "real" world seems so much harder to grasp, to the point where I'm able to nuance many pieces of information and just find out that the more I know, the less I know, a rabbit hole. That's my grasp on "reality".

I have a lot of intrusive thoughts as well, paired with telepathy, it disturbs me. I'll think sexually during a non-sexual moment (though sometimes that's me being a delusional shut-in, while others it's completely unwarranted and unwanted.) It involves very young infants sometimes too, being the most distressful, because I'm just fappan and then I feel a infant's metaphysical presence, sometimes in the form of sexual acts. Being part of my life which is almost purely telepathy at this point, I've nuanced the hell out of this, thinking someone else could be forcing me and any other person together sexually, or someone forces themselves on me, but at the same time, the reason I found out about telepathy in the first place is because I could hear the protest of the women I forced myself on by masturbating.

This is what;s currently on my mind, if anyone wants to ask more, feel free. I'm going to be sporadically checking on the thread until about 4:00 PST for my psychiatrist appointment, will also take recommendations on treatment.

>>38059917
that's some bad ass story Dan!

>>38060058
>I found cleaning up to be incredibly therapeutic. One of my biggest recommendations.

I agree. But for months, I couldn't do it. It made no sense. I knew I could do it only when I would feel better and ready to live again. Living alone when you're used to living as a couple is depressing as fuck, even when you're back from the dead.

>>38060065

Physical fights aren't normal. They happen, but that's not normal.

It sounds like you were severely deprived emotionally, too. Goddamn. No wonder you grew up fucked.

>>38060087
>im back, curious as to what you have to say about this

It's suspiciously OK. Other memories?

And yeah, it's a good Carly too.

>>38060088

Could you elaborate on specifically what you mean by telepathy? And do you think it's real?

>>38060098
My point was initially that some of us here have been through some quite bad shit.

If we can get through it, most other things we will experience in life shouldn't be harder. I guess that should be motivation for many of us.

Because when my colleague (the one I told this story to) sees someone with missing fingers. Someone beaten bloody or with a nail in his head, she will be shocked. I won't. When someone shouts at her, she will be scared, I won't. When someone threatens to kill her, she will be scared, I won't.

Why do I say I won't. I should say we won't.

>>38060157
>It's suspiciously OK
i would also wake up in the middle of the night, every night, almost until puberty and walk over to sleep in my parents bed.

>>38060140
I think it turned out for the better, the few people I talk to say I'm a good guy, and the band in actually has competing people. I don't actually want for much other then a decent bass.

My only real issue is I can't talk to grills.

It is what it is I suppose.

>>38060140
I would go so far as to say one light, but still physical fight is at least semi-normal. People have to get over shit once they do this, though. If they don't, it will spiral into a truly dysfunctional relationship.

The singular physical fight does have the chance of allowing the participants to both acknowledge their problems and work past them. Some people realize they're sweeping dragons under the rug, some people eventually either kill each other or split apart.

At the end of the day, you can either get what your ego wants, or what you want. And they are generally pretty mutually exclusive.

>>38060217
*band I'm in *competent

>>38060216

You slept in your parents' bed until you were 12 or so?

>>38060217
>My only real issue is I can't talk to grills.

Let's talk about that.

Anxiety is like this muscle in your brain that you're flexing really hard. It's almost like you've focused the world in on you, and if you do that, it really happens. The universe is kind of weird. I'm tempted to not be a materialist-reductionist at times.

>>38060204
>we won't.
i see that as something with great potential. which is why im not happy about my sheltered upbringing. some would even call it privileged.

>>38060255
i dont remember how old i was when i stopped, or even why i stopped. it's possible i was even older than 12

>>38060229
>but still physical fight is at least semi-normal.

Nah, it's completely dysfunctional. There is never a real need to hit your child. If I can command entire classrooms of kids without beating them, parents should be able to command a few, or just one, without resorting to physical abuse. Most people are OK with some physical punishment, but it serves no purpose and does more damage than good. Your kid will be scared, if it works, but that's not the best way to get things done or to get your kid to grow up well.

>>38060273

Brain bits physically dwindle when "attacked", and things like the amygdala, the center of fear, will reduce if stressed, and become more reactive. This is the mechanic explanation for things like PTSD and the rest. When you get better, those brain bits grow back up.

>>38060296
>which is why im not happy about my sheltered upbringing. some would even call it privileged.

Yeah well, we'll see.

>>38060262
Not much to say here I just suck at meeting new people, especially if they are female

>>38060296
Doesn't have to mean anything. It's up to you.

>>38060394

What happens if a girl talks to you?

MY EYES HURT.

Somehow, someone said this before.

>>38060116
I just did a bunch of cleaning this morning.

>>38060339
im kind of excited to see what shit there is to find

>>38060307
Sorry, I didn't even read back. I assumed we were talking about between two adults.
Don't worry, I stop being a drug addict soon.

1. name:
2. age: 18
3. sex: male
4. symptoms: depression, anxiety, brainfog and anger issues sometimes, self harm, social qnxiety
5. causes: i wish i knew
6. condition(s): never went to a real psychologist
7. childhood trauma(s): Aside from living in a conflictive family and bullying i wouldn't say i had a lot of traumas
8. other trauma(s):None that i remember
9. mother's mental state during childhood and adolescence: Idk
10. father's mental state during childhood and adolescence: Never even met him

>>38060506

That's very good. I'll clean tomorrow.

>>38060523

The tricky thing here is that we have to find the weird in what is normal to you. Describe your father.

>>38060442
I freeze up and just awkwardly carry on a conversation, not anything major, I kinda look at it as a positive thing for two reasons 1 I probably cannot maintain a healthy relationship and a relationship might lead to a family and I would be worse with that 2 it weeds out the shallow girls although I dont think anyone is truly shallow nor do I think anyone is not shallow at the same time if that makes sense

>>38060527

It's very dysfunctional between two adults as well. If two adults can't talk without hitting each other, or one hitting the other, there's something wrong.

>>38060536

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

Read this. Report back.

>>38060307
I agree but what if the child hits you first as I have seen that happen, and I don't mean like a light one I mean like full on sucker punch to the nose

>>38060561
There's always something wrong. Always.
Absolutely no exceptions.

>>38060546

It makes sense. Once you healed yourself, you can starta famalam senpai.

Focus on questions if you feel awkward. Questions help a lot and allow the other to speak. I go through hours of discussion with mostly questions. People love when they can talk about themselves, especially if you show interest.

>>38060586
>I agree but what if the child hits you first as I have seen that happen, and I don't mean like a light one I mean like full on sucker punch to the nose

At this point, we're already way, way beyond the horizon of dysfunctions. Holy fuck. I actually laughed. My initial reaction, at this point, would be to take out the flamethrower and burn everyone to death over all existing generations, because that's too fucked up to be allowed to exist. But I don't roll that way.

Kids don't normally sucker punch their parents. If that happens, way more happened before. Dafuq.

>>38060604

There are exceptions, always. But there's a difference between there being something wrong and physical violence.

>>38060612
Thanks for the advice actually. Most people just say be or act confident but that doesent help when you just have no idea how that shit works

>>38060658
Of course, but if they get physical one time, then use that to actually get help and come to terms with the real issue, then they can have a very strong relationship.

Physical fighting is the next step from arguing about nonsense. One or neither of the partners flat-out refuse to talk about the real issue.

And generally it's the latter.

>>38060647
Well my immediate family is the only one like this in the family desu I blame dad and meth head sis for my family's issues

>together with gf for one year
>has hepatitis since six months
>never told me until now

How fucked am I?
How should handle this with myself and my gf?

Help

>>38060660
>but that doesent help when you just have no idea how that shit works

That's because they are confident but they don't know how or why so they can't help.

Think of me as a turbo robot who became a Chad. I can teach you the way of Chad.

Questions are great because:

- they're short
- they show interest
- you're smart enough to ask interesting questions, though simple ones are perfect too
- you then spend your time listening actively, by asking specifications, other questions, comparing things, etc, very intellectual as you like, and your addressee will appreciate your interest and feel valued
- gradually, you'll feel more and more at ease
- the focus is on the other person, and that's generally rare in conversations with people, as most like to talk of themselves, you will too once you're at ease
- addressee will often return your questions to you, and it becomes a conversation

Questions also allow things to be more theme-based, which robots find easier to handle. Talking about the weather and shit only goes so far.

>>38060708
>Of course, but if they get physical one time, then use that to actually get help and come to terms with the real issue, then they can have a very strong relationship.

Yes, but you can also go get help before you bust your woman's front teeth. That works too.

>Physical fighting is the next step from arguing about nonsense.

Not necessarily. I've faced verbal abuse that made me prefer physical violence.

>>38060584
Well fuck that describes most of the shit i feel except for the fear of abandonment and unstable relationships, i really haven't had that many relationships or people that could abandon me.

>>38060541
i've been told he's very much like me. been working the same low end office job since he started working, never really going anywhere. he's said he dont want big promotions either since he dont want responsibility over lots of people.
we dont really talk much since we both find it awkward to talk on the phone and with people in general. from my point of view, he's more awkward than me.

he doesnt procrastinate, takes good care of the house and so.

as a teenager everything about him irritated me a whole lot. i said i would do anything not to become like him when i grew up.
oh, the irony.

>>38060755

I doubt your sister became a methead as a childhood dream. These things have deep roots. Probably going all the way back to prehistory if not before.

>>38060792

See a doctor. I can't say much more, this is a medical issue.

As to your partner, ask for an explanation and see what she says. I assume you have asked already. What did she say?

>>38060792
hep A, B or C?
how did she get it?

Hello again Nick, contact lenses sound like a bit better than glasses tipping off your face.

>>38060882
Hep B

She apparently doesn't know but I found out via some friends of her that she did a lot of drugs and sex and shit behind my back

>>38060881
I didn't commented it yet, becuase I'm afraid she will just break any ties with no explaination for days, which she does a lot

>>38060838
>Yes, but you can also go get help before you bust your woman's front teeth. That works too.
Of course. The point is what physical violence towards your partner means. Try not to hold too much of a grudge on people who get violent, is all I'm saying.

>I've faced verbal abuse that made me prefer physical violence.
Of course. You can't really be a tyrant through physical means in today's society, anyway. It doesn't work anymore.

>>38060541
>>38060859
fuck me i also just realized he's probably scared of other peoples emotions. just like i used to be, and to some extent still am.
i would hide how i felt unless it was absolutely necessary since talking about meaningfull shit was instantly awkward enough to abort.

>>38060845
>Well fuck that describes most of the shit i feel except for the fear of abandonment and unstable relationships, i really haven't had that many relationships or people that could abandon me.

Yes! I'm going to add a stroke to my little chalkboard right here... Please tell my trolls about this.

Now, don't go crazy on the diagnostic, especially Borderliner, as it exists in 256 different ways, and even more in my opinion. You may have any combination of the symptoms (that's 256 ways) but each symptom may be at different intensities.

Now tell me about your parents.

>>38060859
>as a teenager everything about him irritated me a whole lot.

Detail that.

>>38060896

Hey there. Contacts are pretty cool in every way. I'm not sure whether I look better or worse without glasses, however.

>>38060916
>I'm afraid she will just break any ties with no explaination for days, which she does a lot

What other crazy shit does she do? See the BPD article above, maybe she fits the bill.

>>38060929
>Try not to hold too much of a grudge on people who get violent, is all I'm saying.

If you're the one who gets it, hold exactly how much grudge you want. When your vision is diminished because someone punched you, or you hear less in one ear, or suffer constant pain every time you chew because someone dislocated your jaw with a fist, I say hold whatever you want.

Do you get violent?

>You can't really be a tyrant through physical means in today's society, anyway. It doesn't work anymore.

I'm not sure what you mean. My neighbor lives in fear of her husband because he beats her. I'm pretty sure I live today and in our society.

>>38060969
Am I glad I don't have to put up with it either way. Contacts sound uncomfortable, how you have the bravery to put a piece of plastic that close to your eye is beyond me.

>>38060198
mind to mind communication, basically sending anything that can be processed by the mind to a receiver. This includes but is not exclusive to hearing voices, I mention that because it was my first instance of feeling this perception. At first, a bit. For a while there was little connection between what went on telepathically and physically, I would hear people talking about me physically, then no one would tell me that they were in fact talking about me. Once I opened up to people about this physically, people were sympathetic, and would display no knowledge on the subject. I still somewhat belived it to be true until my first and hopefully only psych ward stay. I was then put on Haldol, with pretty fucked side-effects but got rid of 80-90% of the voices, for the first time in years, it was all quiet, I was alone in my mind, could concentrate, and I felt relaxed and eased about it, it was a lot less real then it was previously. The efficiency of the Haldol wore off a little bit due to somewhat reckless behaviors, didn't want to double up the dosage because it was like a tardive timebomb, and increasing the dosage effectively shortens the fuse. After a while, I just stopped taking it cold turkey, and since then it's been getting more real. At this point, I see synchronicities in both of these "worlds" for lack of a better word. While playing a multiplayer game, I discuss my strategy and even show my screen openly, and I attribute many things to that, as well as hearing warnings of my character about to be killed by someone who knows what they're doing.

>>38060943

You guys learned to be emotionally inhibited.

Would you say you are both emotionally illiterate as well or can you tell what people feel easily?

>>38060969
>What other crazy shit does she do?

For example instead of us meeting again after a month she rather goes to a random party, gets hit by a car at the way to it and denies any help, goes there anyway and doesn't remember anything.

I'm just too afraid to show my disappointment to her because, as I said, she will just refuse arguing at all

>See the BPD article above, maybe she fits the bill

She does fit in a lot, also refuses medical help and literally escaped hospital once.

But at the same time she always seemed like a nice and kind person since we're together for a long time now

>>38060998
>If you're the one who gets it, hold exactly how much grudge you want.
I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about you as an outsider from a relationship.

>Do you get violent?
No, but I know exactly what I am capable of, and it's about as dark as you can imagine. The reason I don't get violent is because I know that I can, though.

>My neighbor lives in fear of her husband because he beats her.
You are allowing a tyrant to exist.

Im back guys.

my sadness is turning into tiredness and im starting to have problem with paying attention to the movie.
It's too long, especially since I always watch director's cuts

Funny thing is I stopped watching after the
>why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
which happened while they were watching original Evil Dead
The thing is that while Donnie Darko is one of my most favourite movies, other one of them is Evil Dead 2

It's not interesting at all, I just felt like writing something

>>38060950
Well i never met anything about my father other than his name and middle name.

My mother well i could say she was mostly nothing out of the ordinary aside from the fact she gets annoyed and angry easily sometimes, she never hitted me or was absent. Though when i did something wrong she used to be a bit "blunt", for example if i didn't want to go to school when i was a kid she would tell me that she was going to send me to an internship(a school where you have to live there alone like a military academy)

>>38061010
>how you have the bravery to put a piece of plastic that close to your eye is beyond me.

To be fair, it was hardcore. It reminded me of Dead Space 2.

The woman who taught me how to do this stuff uses contacts herself, and she was very patient. I kept failing and failing. For a long ass time. At least 15 minutes, maybe way more.

You literally have to hold your eyelids apart, forcefully, to retain the reflex of blinking, and then you must get your finger in contact with your goddam eyeball. And hold it there until the eye captures the lense.

And to remove it, you have to push the lense down and then pinch it off your eyeball.

I had never touched my eye like this. It still hurts. Eyes are red, eyelids are sore.

>>38060916
>Hep B
you're probably ok then. unless you're doing heavy drugs, are an alcoholic or of general shit health it almost always heals in adults. sometimes without symptoms.

congrats, you're now most likely immune to hep B.

as for your gfs lifestyle. are you ok with that?
also does she not know she got hepatitis? in that case she actually might not have had it.

>>38060969
i thought he was fat, gross and stupid. and also weak.

i was disgusted by the way he ate and how he talked about food. (we ate pretty much the same stuff). he would also fart and burp a lot in general.
i thought his ideas were bad and unnecessarily laborious and inefficient. i felt he could follow what was going on and understand another point of view.
also that he had a pussy attitude. which i've probably never thought about anyone else.

>>38061096
Don't stick your finger on your eye - get your finger extremely dry, put the contact on the very tip, then touch the outer rim of the contact to your eye. It will kind of suction on there.

>>38061037
>then no one would tell me that they were in fact talking about me.

So you haven't found any correlation that real telepathy occurred. It clearly sounds like some type of schizoprenia or schizotypy (see schizotypal disorder).

Be skeptical of those things, and in doubt, lean towards a mental disorder before a supernatural ability.

I don't deny that telepathy happens, because I've experienced it with someone, but we both experienced it, at least twice.

>>38061054
>For example instead of us meeting again after a month she rather goes to a random party, gets hit by a car at the way to it and denies any help, goes there anyway and doesn't remember anything.

Sounds Borderliny.

Yeah, she really sounds like that. Read more about it!

She will be hard to help if she doesn't see that there's a problem, but it's not impossible. Expose her to articles that match her behaviour. Knowing she has a disorder might help her and make it easier to accept something is wrong.

>>38060584
That got me looking at the various ones. Apparently one of them fits me quite well

>>38061124
>also does she not know she got hepatitis?
She said a doctor said it to her
Thanks for the hepB info, at least I can rest now^^

>as for your gfs lifestyle. are you ok with that?
Almost anyone I know does this shit and you basically have to be okay with it to have a decent social life

But I really don't like it desu

>>38061073
>I'm talking about you as an outsider from a relationship.

If you're talking about a therapist's position, then of course, but that goes without saying. That's not my position right here however, since we aren't talking about anyone in particular.

>No, but I know exactly what I am capable of, and it's about as dark as you can imagine.

You wouldn't really force someone to wear sandals with socks, right? Right?

>You are allowing a tyrant to exist.

I am? How so?

>>38061096
Always wanted to check out Dead Space. But sadly that was a game made in 2009 or so and I have limited myself due to my OCD to mostly just playing Doom levels that frustrate me due to being shovelware or Nintendo games. I happen to be the one person to hate Nintendo.

That description makes me feel even better about not having contacts. Touching your eyeball at all is not ideal. Having to do it any time it needs to be taken out is a lot more of a pain. I imagine this is why many just do glasses.

>>38061134
Why would it be considered supernatural?

Tbf I do find correlations, but no clear causation.

Also, how did your telepathic experience "feel"? What were the crucial circumstances?

>>38061079

Take a break if necessary. Do what you enjoy. Sometimes you can't focus and that's fine.

Guys, any other suggestions for the form? I'm going to edit it when I can.

>>38061093

Give me some anecdotes of when she got angry.

>>38061096
>You literally have to hold your eyelids apart, forcefully, to retain the reflex of blinking

You will start loosing this reflex pretty quickly
I sometimes mess with my lenses without holding my eyelids at all

Also Id suggest to slide the lense to the side of your eye while removing it, that way you dont have to literally pust into your view

>>38061181
>I am? How so?
Tyrants are born when people see bad things and don't stop them.

You yourself are capable of an infinite capacity and proclivity for violence, and if you don't understand this, you're dangerous.

This goes for anyone - not just you. This is part of what it means to be human.

I have a guy friend I've known for years. Physically I've never paid attention to him but emotionally I'm very attracted to him, which then leads to physical. I'm scared to bring it up because I don't want to ruin our friendship.

>>38061124

Do you think your father was somewhat stupid?

>>38061039
i can only speak for myself here. i believe im fairly alright at telling what other people feel, but im not so sure. i tell by reading behaviour, not by feel.

however acting according to how the situation unfold depending on how someone else feels is something im absolute shit at.

>laying in bed with now ex-gf
>slowly petting her back while she's on fb
>notice she's really not up for intimacy and would probably want to be left alone
>keep stroking her back

>>38061179
there's like a 1% risk that it turn into a chronic infection in adults. dont hesitate to get tested if you're worried.

>>38061132
>then touch the outer rim of the contact to your eye

I'll try that next time. Then look left and right and up and down so it gets in place, before you blink, or the air bubble will make it stand out and the lid will fuck it all up.

Painting minis is easier than this shit.

Fucking hell. I opened a newspage and there was a fucking article about the types of men that are single. I actually read through it without raging too much. But GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, this isn't good for me. Not at all.

>>38061234
Im gonna make a remake of my old drawing,
I think Im starting to get into my own style so Ill try to start building on that instead of having every drawing look completely different

I'll post results if the thread will be still going

>>38061176

Which one?

>>38061185

Nintendo was my only serious parent when I was a kid. Nintendo taught me music appreciation, discipline, perseverance, rewards for efforts, imagination, etc. Nintendo was a good parent.

It's funny you should say that about contacts, because as I was trying to fingerfuck my eye, I thought, "If only I were a psychopath like the people in my thread, I could snap that shit on without a care."

Maybe you aren't quite as psychopathic as we assume for now. Same for Eh. More like you guys disconnected from feelings to protect yourself.

Psy, I know someone IRL who disconnects from emotions to the point where they don't understand jackshit about certain things. I wonder if you correlate or not.

Do you understand the notion of jealousy?

>>38061395
Why isn't it good to see a list of the types of men that are single? Better to know yourself than not.

>>38061320
as a teenager i thought he was clinically retared. now i think he's probably of normal intelligence, maybe slightly above.

>>38061179
I feel like part of the reason drugs are so prevalent are from my attitude and relative popularity in high school, at a very influential location and with influential people.

I may have massively helped fuck the normies up.
My bad.

>>38061245
Well she used to fight with my grandparents and still does with my grandpa. She usually just gets mad for a while, screams and in a few minutes or an hour she just forgets about it.

When she got bad at me when i was a kid well there is nothing remarkable it always followed the same pattern, she got mad, she threatened me with stupid things or just said why do i even ask you to do X nothing major then she just ignored me. Once in a while she just insulted me if i really fucked up.

>>38061418
https://psychcentral.com/disorders/avoidant-personality-disorder-symptoms/
What can/do I even do about this

>>38061185
>Always wanted to check out Dead Space

I like all three games. Do get it.

>>38061226
>Why would it be considered supernatural?

Because it is not commonly accepted by mainstream science and the general population as something that happens normally.

>Tbf I do find correlations, but no clear causation.

Tell me about those correlations.

>Also, how did your telepathic experience "feel"? What were the crucial circumstances?

I didn't hear voices. I literally felt emotions that weren't mine. With someone I was unusually close to. At another time, she felt my emotions; both events checked out, timewise.

>>38061253
>I sometimes mess with my lenses without holding my eyelids at all

That's God-like level to me.

>Also Id suggest to slide the lense to the side of your eye while removing it, that way you dont have to literally pust into your view

Woman told me to push down and then pinch, but I guess anything goes. So weird to finger your sight.

>>38061418
I just prefer absolutely no sound at all to the terrible music and sounds the NES has. It gets heavily repetitive. In general, that is my problem with games prior to the 90s, they were made with an arcade mindset generally and thus feel more like they are just repeating themselves. Ideally I prefer games from the late nineties. I have been depressed lately thinking about them.

I thought a psychopath would fear hurting themselves. As such, it would be hard for you to do to yourself. Of course, I don't want my fingers in anyone's eyes. Not a sensation I have much interest in feeling.

I think that is more accurate. I could shoot a baby if handed a million dollars and knew without a doubt there were no consequences. I could rape a female, a child even, if it was legal. I can look at gore videos without getting a reaction. But, the difference is that I have care for those I am close to. I consider myself more emotional than most actually, I get ridiculously clingy and desperate for attention for those I care for. I have two modes, too little and too much, which fits a lot to who I am. I am the black and the white to a normal person's grey. I am the asexual and hypersexual. I am the emotionless machine and the obsessive lover.

Perhaps anon? I cannot read people at this point, I usually have distrust or confusion over what they say. The confusion can come from even a simple statement due to me being in my own world and it just making zero sense to me. With most people, you might as well be speaking another language. I cannot handle broken English.

Oh yes, anon, that is one thing I feel. I am jealous that you got to touch Dead Space, a game I have been trying to get to and play since it came out. Now its sequel is already out.

>>38056924
I have major depressive disorder, everything sucks, I cant get myself to do what i want consistently, i really want a change of environment since i think that would help, but i dont know how to create that for myself, since i dont have a job
I don't have a car either, and taking public transport here is atypical and unusual+inefficient
Oh, and im almost a wizard

>>38061290
>Tyrants are born when people see bad things and don't stop them.

What makes you think I did nothing? Weren't you the same guy who was telling me not to instantly demonise people who used violence?

>You yourself are capable of an infinite capacity and proclivity for violence, and if you don't understand this, you're dangerous.

You're projecting. The chances of me hurting someone physically out of anger are next to nothing. I have snapped before. I destroy things, not people.

>This goes for anyone - not just you. This is part of what it means to be human.

Such grand generalisations never work. Most humans don't have an infinite capacity for violence.

>>38061647
Hey Psycho. How are you? I was a little bit of a cunt to you yesterday.

>>38061595
Not that simple for me anon. I want to play Dead Space. That is actually on the top of my list of things I want to check out. But... I cannot. And that limitation bothers me. My OCD throws me into a conflict where I cannot be happy.

>>38061308

See where things go gradually. An easy thing to try is to hold him longer than you normally would. Hugs are right between friendship and more, and if you hold him longer, or closer, it'll send signals that you feel more than friendship about him. That way you don't even have to ask. Play it by ear.

>>38061330
>i tell by reading behaviour, not by feel.

Do you get a lot of info from someone's face?

>>38061670
Hello there Dan. You were? I didn't even notice. You said words to me, which is mostly what I can ask for. A simple (you) and a response that looks like someone looked at what I said makes me happy.

>>38061712
It's good that I didn't bother you. I just didn't understand how can you think of yourself as so weak.

>>38061395

Articles about this are always shit. It's like articles about milk or coffee. You'll read that it's good, bad, and everything. These are articles used when real news is scarce.

I'm single right now, and I probably don't match your articles' predictions.

>>38061400

I want to see your art!

>>38061426

When he burped and farted, was he aware that it was rude or was he retarded?

>>38061661
I would suggest to you the book The Gulag Archipelago.

>>38061422
Just reading all that bullshit made me a little angry. I actually considered registering into the discussion, because there were so many dumb normie platitudes. One guy was posting statistics about divorce rates and the advantages that women have and talking about MGTOW. The first response he got was

>No woman wants ya, huh? :D

It's just fucking disgusting.

>>38061767
Yeah as I said, it was the discussion. All the normie shit. There is just no other way to say it. Nowhere in that article was a type of guy that is short, ugly, etc. And all the women talking about "confidence" and "personal charm" and all that bullshit.

This thread doesn't seem right.
Where is the Atlas insult?

Learning from history is much more useful than trying to analyze yourself and make conclusions based on such.

>>38061518
>She usually just gets mad for a while, screams and in a few minutes or an hour she just forgets about it.

Like a child. BPD. Can anyone reason with her?

>>38061787
Theres gonna be a spooky skeleton so I have to google all the bones and shit

What im trying to say is its gonna take a while

>>38061851
I wouldn't call her childish most of the time she has a perfect reason to be mad, when it is at me well i always try to just talk but yeah she doesn't listen. I doubt she has bpd honestly.

>>38061760
I know it may sound frustrating. I just feel unable to do anything. Say I wanted to hurt someone, I am not sure I would have the capabilities to do such. That is bothersome to me.

>>38061823
I don't blame the guy going MGTOW. Women have way too many advantages. I think my trust is even worse with women, I expect them to accuse you of rape even if you don't have intercourse with them. I got in trouble a few times at school because girls would say I was staring because my eyes would pass by them. Made me have to go out of my way not to look at females, I cannot look at a female and must instead look at random objects. I find it easier to stare at a man's crotch than a woman's face. I guess it is good, otherwise I might get attracted and thus begin with a woman who would accuse me of raping her. Then again, I want a relationship where I control her and need an extreme level of trust, so ergo how impossible my dreams are to obtain.

>>38056924
Is there anyway to battle PTSD without therapy?

>>38061702
maybe half? what they say and tone of voice is a big part as well.

>>38061787
i think he did i out of necessity. he wouldnt do it when we had company or when we were eating.
he would be minding his own business and farting when needed.

>>38061647
>I thought a psychopath would fear hurting themselves.

Psychopaths generally fear boredom above all. No fear for themselves or physical pain in many cases; I suspect they feel less pain than most.

> I could shoot a baby if handed a million dollars and knew without a doubt there were no consequences.

I couldn't. I know your reasoning and I would even "agree" with it, but that's way beyond what I could ever do, no matter the logic behind it. Animal instinct prevails here, I shall never kill a baby.

>I could rape a female, a child even, if it was legal.

This is so disturbing. It really is.

> I consider myself more emotional than most actually,

Don't, because you're not, but you have no perspective.

And yeah, you seem pretty binary in your emotions, like X. All or nothing.

>Oh yes, anon, that is one thing I feel. I am jealous that you got to touch Dead Space, a game I have been trying to get to and play since it came out. Now its sequel is already out.

Just get it. On Steam. Latest sequel came out in 2013. A new one is in the making, I heard.

>>38061658

Let's focus on your depression for now. Symptoms? Causes?

>>38061680

Why, exactly, can't you?

>>38061829


We're waiting on Facet for that.

>>38062004
How's the poo poo?

File: 19260290_1337129776400622_8646388860418694620_n.jpg (137KB, 865x449px) Image search: [Google]

137KB, 865x449px

>>38061925
I spent last 10 minutes looking for this picture just because I mentioned a spooky skeleton

Help

>>38061981
>want a relationship where I control her

You and others I know have such trust issues that you can't function without power over others, is that about right for you?

How could a woman win your trust?

>>38061981
I asked the same thing yesterday, but do you have some legitimate medical condition? Maybe something with your muscles?

Because if you don't, then it has to be in your mind.

Yeah, trusting women. That's rich. In school I would often get beaten up while changing before PE and then thrown into girls changing room wearing usually just underwear. Then the guys would hold the door so I couldn't get out and all the girls would either laugh at me or insult me and shout at me. You're 13, in your underwear in a room full of girls who are laughing at you for being ugly or straight up insulting you. For several minutes. Two times a week. For a few months. They knew what was happening (that I got thrown there against my will), yet when the teacher caught me there they always took the side of the guys who threw me there. Always. I even got in trouble. Which is why I go ballistic when people tell me to be confident. FUCK YOU!

I always remember this whenever I approach a woman. The laughter/insults. It's like this ambient sound in the back of my head. So yeah. Trusting women is difficult. Even when I was at a date with a girl I was in love with for a long time. I looked into her beautiful hazel eyes but I could hear the laughter. She asks what's wrong. What was I supposed to fucking say ... didn't say anything.

But I guess we must begin to trust again. I don't think there is another way.

>>38061985
>Is there anyway to battle PTSD without therapy?

Whatever you do that works would be considered therapy.

How are you considering treating your PTSD? Describe it for me, along with the PTSD per se and take a name!

>>38062004

So you think your dad was just a bit off socially, but not literally retarded.

>>38062147
>I spent last 10 minutes looking for this picture just because I mentioned a spooky skeleton

It was worth it.

>>38062180
Hello slavfriend
That bully scene triggered a painful similar bully episode for me. I feel your feel and am sorry.

>>38062238
Hello Medman. Do tell. For me it kinda helps to talk about it. Or so I think. Maybe it's just opening and salting an old wound. I actually don't know.

>>38062025
>Psychopath
Oh, I fear pain and am quite sensitive to it. If anything says not a psychopath, that would.

>Animal instinct
Well, a shame nobody has ever asked me to kill a baby, a government that would protect me from prosecution. I could be rich.

>Rape a child
Oh, I should mention I am as degenerate as you can go in regards to fetishes. Rape is heavily appealing. Pedophilia is just an offshoot, I see them as just another female. The only exception would be my daughter, I have fetishes about having a daughter and teaching her to be my sex slave through psychological torture. Never would do it due to the legal implications, but it is a fetish.

>Perspective
I guess I don't, but others just seem to lack the emotions I do when I am emotional. Nobody else gets a friend and obsesses with hugging them, giggling a lot and singing "You are my sunshine". I cannot say a sentence without praising my best friends if they are around to the point that they fear I am trying to get into some romantic relationship with them. This must be emotional to make them think I am trying to make it more than a friendship.

>Just get it
Oh, anon, I cannot just get it. My life is playing terrible Doom levels I hate and NES games I loathe even more. Oh, and distracting myself with Second Life or 4chan to avoid doing either. The hardest part about a friendship with me is that I have very little I can share in common with your average person and I will probably be bothered if you talk about games you can play that I can't. It makes me more miserable every time someone mentions Skyrim.

Don't trust Steam, Steam is a botnet and I don't trust it to watch everything I do, plus I need a psychical copy or I don't feel like I own the game.

>>38062180

Dan, no matter hard it is for you to believe, a good portion of these girls, even if they mocked you, probably felt bad for you, and feared being in your position. That's why nobody defended you, they didn't want to be next. Same for the boys, consider it. Short of being total psychos, many of them definitely felt bad for you despite their own behaviour. Maybe some were made angrier by their sympathy for you. It happens.

>>38061595
>Tell me about these correlations

I'll hear a new or uncalled for voice sometimes before getting killed in games, that's the most solid form of correlation. The other forms are really just cleverly nuanced to make me believe the two forms of connection went together to become one social situation.

>>38062187
It has to do with my abusive father. I get a lot of flashbacks of him screaming in my face and hitting me to the point where I sometimes cannot sleep because I need to distract myself to keep it away. I shiver with anxiety, severe sadness, and even disgust that makes me want to puke when I am reminded of him. I have to avoid places where he took me or anything that will trigger memories.

>>38062286
Yeah I know. I'm not holding it against people anymore. Well not against ALL people. That's what I would do in the past.

I'm just not sure if I should repress any memories of this or not.

>>38062276
>The only exception would be my daughter, I have fetishes about having a daughter and teaching her to be my sex slave through psychological torture. Never would do it due to the legal implications, but it is a fetish.

Yep, you're definitely a psychopath.

>This must be emotional to make them think I am trying to make it more than a friendship.

It's clearly weird. Almost like you don't know how to show positive emotions without sperging out like an autistic child (no offense, I find this kinda funny).

>a psychical copy

Deep. I used to need physical copies too, but then I realised digital copies last long. Now I only feel like I own the game if it's on my Steam list.

You should get Steam. Force yourself, it'll be worth it. Plenty of free games too. And you could play Skyrim.

>>38062351

Fuck, that's heavy. I would really insist on seeing a therapist, right off the bat.

Question: if someone looks like your father, does it do something to you?

>>38062367
>I'm just not sure if I should repress any memories of this or not.

Never repress, but do move on once you've dealt with it. Don't take it personally, think of it as like scenes from an animal documentary.

>>38062133
im feeling a bit better. got another appointment next week.

>>38062205
now im sure he's not retarded. he's probably not much more socially off than i am. just that he didnt care about the social ques when only family was around.

>>38062439
If that's scenes from an animal documentary, then I'm the male who gets driven out of the pack and dies a horrible death without passing on his genes.

You just can't ignore that. The animals who get treated like this by the pack just aren't fit. They are inferior. They get fucked over so the pack can survive. They have shitty genes and they don't deserve to be alive.

That's what I'd think if this was an animal documentary.

>>38062422
Absolutely. I feel sick to my stomach and the memories come back. Anything small triggers it.

Worst part is that I have my mother pressuring me to forgive him and she does not understand the damage he left on me. I have not spoken to him in 10 years despite his annoying attempts. It is very difficult for me to be around her and I am considering to stop talking to her.

I don't want therapy. I don't want to talk about it. Typing this up is hard enough - I just want it to disappear.

>>38062528
>If that's scenes from an animal documentary, then I'm the male who gets driven out of the pack and dies a horrible death without passing on his genes.

Except you're very well on your way to find a woman and found a family. You're young, you have a job, you're tall, you can speak several languages. The only problem is mental issues that you're working on, but once that is dealt with, there's no stopping you, cuntslayer.

>You just can't ignore that. The animals who get treated like this by the pack just aren't fit. They are inferior. They get fucked over so the pack can survive. They have shitty genes and they don't deserve to be alive.

You've survived and developed coping mechanisms that now fuck you in the ass, but you survived. You're a strong motherfucker, you just need to adapt to normal life. You'll be fine. You're very young, you have all the time in the world.

>>38062569
There's a good chance your mother thinks this because she thinks it would help you, rather than the other way around. If it is the other way around, well your mother has some issues of her own.
Only you can decide if this is the case, though. It can be hard for people with their own issues to understand the issues of others realistically.

>>38062569
>Worst part is that I have my mother pressuring me to forgive him

You tell her to stop right away. Be firm. This is serious stuff and pressure is not what you need. Firmly stop her and make understand that now is not the time for this.

>I don't want therapy. I don't want to talk about it. Typing this up is hard enough - I just want it to disappear.

I understand. It won't disappear, be conscious of that. You can repress it but it'll come back some other way, you don't want that.

Typing about it is good enough for a first step. OK?

Stick with me.

Be sure that you are allowed to cut contact with whoever you want. You're allowed, you are free. No guilt or shame about that.

Are you OK?

>>38062274
Ah tried to suppress these kinds of memories and feels but here we go. This was back in the slavworld growing up.

Was around 5,6 at the time and still remember it fairly clear.
In a small village at the time, was board and decided to play with my "friends" that would always push me around and were older and poke fun of me, but I hung out with them anyway because no one else gave me attention, so I guess I figured that negative attention was better than no attention. Not sure what lead to what exactly, but the end result was them (sizable group with a few older females but mostly guys) stripping me naked and me trying to run away.
They had me circled and every time I tried to put some clothing back on they would take it off and point at me and laugh.
Just being in a circle with a bunch of my "friends" running around me and pointing and some kicking me. Lots of pointing and laughing and me crying trying to get dressed. Eventually I was in my underwear and they were pulling on that too and had them off at one point for a little, at which the girls in the group laughed even more. At this point I managed to escape the circle while being completely humiliated and ran home crying. Just hurts that the people who you considered your friends at the time would treat you that way.
I lived near by and they where at my door and started throwing apples and such above my door and kept on laughing at me. Just when I thought I had reached my safe heaven they where there too. (This was in the backyard I should mention).
Not nearly as bad as your systematic bullying Dan, I could only imagin how you've felt. But I can definetly relate to the fuckers faces laughing at you and the helpless and ashedmed feel.

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Are these internet tests accurate?

>>38062597
I get that my mental issues are a problem.

Natural metaphores just hit very close to home for me. Otherwise I wouldn't have gone on with this rant again.

>>38062680

This is hard. Damn... Very traumatising. I feel for you.

>>38062694

Some more than others. I'd say you should definitely consider Borderliny stuff in your problematic. Don't get stuck on the diagnosis but do explore its traits and see what works for you.

>>38062084
I have an urge to play games in a chronological order that dates back to the days I used to try to teach my cats about the history of video games. I would cover any influences about the game, necessary to get context, and would make it a thing to teach them about my world. My mother kicked me out and thus I no longer have cats to teach, but that means I am no longer slowed down by animals afraid to be around me. Regardless I seem to be stuck in a rut with getting to modernity. There is too much content out there.

I broke some of my rules over the years, but never the full obsession. Playing Atari games exclusively made me miserable, so I decided to start it at the point where I would start liking games, 1996. I did also base games on engines, so I could play Unreal as it was made on a different engine, but would need to play that before I could play Klingon Honor Guard. If the engine was inspired by an older one (besides those before 1996) I would need to check those out first, so all games on the Quake 1 engine before the Quake 2 one. I did get better with influences, realizing everything is influenced by something, especially after making myself miserable on D&D for a full year. MMOs I am less picky on as I know they will eventually end, plus Havok as a physics engine isn't the same.

Anyway, the NES games are Star Wars related which is needed for me to touch Jedi Knight if I ever want to reach 1997. But at the same time I have gone back to Doom because many Quake levels are direct copies of Doom levels, so I want to see what it was based on. It has been more than 3 months since I even touched Quake, the last game I actually liked.

Eventually I get to the point where I realize how miserable I am making myself and swear I will stop. I will play something I like. Then it creeps in again, I get stressed and start self-loathing myself for taking the easy way out, and eventually I fall back into this rut.

>>38062644
I cannot bare to think about the man. Forgiving him is pushing it beyond my limits.
>>38062664
I do tell her to stop, but she doesn't care. She ignores me and continues on with it like I said nothing.
>Are you OK?
Not really. I'm fed up with everything. I don't want these memories, I'm tired of everything triggering it, and I really wish I could forget it all. The flashbacks are something that I cannot control, and it is very frustrating.

>>38062680
That's fucking rough. I don't think it's good to repress it. Actually I don't know. I guess the most important thing is you shouldn't let shit like this ruin your self-esteem. Because why should it?

>>38062781
>I have an urge to play games in a chronological order that dates back to the days I used to try to teach my cats about the history of video games.

Phenomenal. Oh you. I hope you'll stick around this thread forever because you're classic already.

I too play games in order, but not as strictly as you.

I got Quake back in the day, and finished it again some time ago, actually years ago. Actually 2011. I used the soundtrack to read HP Lovecraft, worked great.

But yeah, focus on games for fun, not the ritualistic approach and chronology. Have fun!

Any other OCD things?

>>38062812
>I do tell her to stop, but she doesn't care. She ignores me and continues on with it like I said nothing.

Warn her one last time, tell her that if she continues, you will block her, etc.

>Not really. I'm fed up with everything. I don't want these memories, I'm tired of everything triggering it, and I really wish I could forget it all. The flashbacks are something that I cannot control, and it is very frustrating.

I can't insist enough on finding a therapist for it. Really, call someone.

It won't go away on its own, unfortunately.

>>38062163
I wouldn't say so in a normal friendship, though in such a friendship there is always doubt and I mistrust. A relationship I would need to trust for it to work, so I demand control.

For a woman to win my trust, she would need to harm herself for me. I want to see her cause pain entirely for my benefit, for my request, to show that she prioritizes me over her own self. Anything less and I might be manipulated.

>>38062864
I see. I was hoping there was some techniques you guys can suggest I use. What will the therapy be like? Do I just tell them everything? I won't go until I'm comfortable but I would like to know beforehand what to expect.

>>38062883
>A relationship I would need to trust for it to work, so I demand control.

Do you realise that trust is precisely about not having control, but letting someone else in charge?

>For a woman to win my trust, she would need to harm herself for me.

That's weird. And inefficient.

> I want to see her cause pain entirely for my benefit, for my request, to show that she prioritizes me over her own self.

If I were a woman who wanted your money or something, I'd easily hurt myself to win your trust. It proves balls. That's a very silly way to test someone's trust.

The only way is the Hemingway: "The only way to know if you can trust someone is to trust them."

>>38062925

There are various ways, one is to gradually expose yourself to your fears, while being in control, and gradually overcoming it, little by little.

Example:

>bitten by dog when a kid
>PTSD about canines
>therapy has you pet puppies for starters
>then you pet older puppies
>then a small dog
>then a bigger dog

By the time you're done, you're making out with Great Dane like it's nothing.

I think this is called Exposure Therapy but don't quote me on it.

Talking things out will also help. We'll see how talking about it here helps. It's normal to feel distressed.

As you may know, I'm unnaturally empathic and I will somehow feel your suffering, which normally has therapeutic effects on the people I speak with.

Just thinking about it I get scared of what scares you.

Tell me what you see when you close your eyes.

>>38062781
it takes alot for my jaw to drop. you just made it happen. bravo.

i just need to ask why you feel like you need to understand and actually experience the entire history of video games?
how long do you stick with a game until you feel you can move on?

>>38062180
No anon, I am perfectly healthy. But I sure do feel incompetent.

Dan, that speaks volumes to me. People being able to do what they want and yet you always taking the fall pretty much described my school career, if less extreme than you. I was the kid that would be picked last at dodgeball. In fact, they wouldn't pick me at all, they would argue with the teacher and say they would rather fail the class than have me on their team. Needless to say, I didn't play dodgeball and the teacher would yell at me for not participating.

I refused to change in a public place, I always just wore my gym shorts under my normal clothes and carried my normal clothes with me. I would go into a stall to remove them. Regardless, people would try crawling under the stall door, which made me feel better that I was never undressed around them. I have too much modesty, taking off my shirt is bothersome.

I don't interact with females, at least none my age. I can talk to females in their 40s online, younger females seem to be outside. The only one my age I talked to online actually talked to me on voice, but accused me of jerking off to her when I was panting from my music. She then asked if she was pretty from some photos of her online when I told her what I was doing, I told her she wouldn't like the truth, she told me to tell her anyway. I told her I found her heavily unattractive. She said she needed distance for some time and would contact me when she got over it, that was 2 years ago. I don't really look in the real world, I avoid looking at them when I am outside. Even the brief glare to know it is a female I should be avoiding looking at makes me miserable. I feel they seek to charge me for sexual harassment or will get offended and think I was staring at their breasts if I look at them. I probably would, my eyes navigate to random spots, I have had conversations with guys while looking at their crotch and have zero sexual interest in it.

>>38063026
>i just need to ask why you feel like you need to understand and actually experience the entire history of video games?

I wasn't asked but I'll share my bit to see if anything matches.

I used to have to finish whatever YouTube video I had started. This became almost a problem with my fiancee, as she'd hop from one to the next. I felt like I had to finish what I had started, or it would feel wrong (very OCD, I realise).

When I started reading Judge Dredd comics, I started at the beginning. Same musically. I'm looser on this stuff now but I do believe it's some slight OCD; I have symptoms of it in my childhood.

I think it's about control and not losing it, and doing things right, in a chosen, controlled manner, with meaning, in a world without meaning. I think.

>>38062824
Wouldn't say self esteem is ruined. Just not very high. Guess one way to put it is I can't take compliments and consider them a formality rather than genuine. Nothing maijor, others have been through way, way worse of a childhood.

>>38062286
The problem is the group mentality means that they can't speak up. Their willingness to victimize means they are as much an enemy.

>>38062367
I don't hate all people either, some people have proven themselves great. It just seems most of society I either can't get along with or cannot stand my behavior.

>>38063067

You need to become aware of nonverbal cues, such as where you're looking, and where others are looking. There's a chance you stare more than you realise, but don't worry about getting sued, you can't get sued for staring at someone on the street.

My fiancee always thought people were staring at her. She always felt attacked by everyone, when she wasn't. Ah, if I had known what the deal was years ago, it would have saved us so much time and trouble.

Who else /AvPD/ here? Is it the most robot personality disorder? I'd say so.

>>38063002
But how would exposure therapy work towards my fathers? Would I use photos of him or something?
>Tell me what you see when you close your eyes.
This is going to be hard. I just...I see him screaming in my face. The anger in his eyes. Him laughing as I cried in pain each time he slapped my legs with a leather belt. The lack of empathy in him towards his own son. It's sick.

>>38063132
>The problem is the group mentality means that they can't speak up. Their willingness to victimize means they are as much an enemy.

No, it means they're victims too. Group mentality will make it so that they will be scared of the example made of the main victim. Pretty sure many victimised Dan to ensure they wouldn't be victimised themselves. If you show weakness, you might be next.

The main point being that many of these people wouldn't have wanted it this way, and others didn't realise the harm they were doing, typically.

>>38063194
To be completely honest... the majority of the guys probably didn't think they were doing anything wrong at all. They probably expected him to be enjoying it, even despite the obvious protest and effect.

>>38063166
>But how would exposure therapy work towards my fathers? Would I use photos of him or something?

As with much of what I do here, it's intuitive. I'd imagine you could start with describing him, then gradually move on to maybe pictures or drawings.

>This is going to be hard. I just...I see him screaming in my face.

That's what I expected, but maybe because you mentioned it before, I don't remember.

OK, this is very experimental and I doubt a real therapist will ever try this, but let's give it a try:

Imagine your father bound by chains, his head resting on the curb of the sidewalk. He can't move, he's completely immobile, even his head can't move, the chains are tight on his skull.

Can you picture this? I'm going gradually, but picture all this and tell me how it goes, how you feel.

The thread's up already? Jesus Christ dude. I'm always late now. I should really keep a better eye out for these. Anyways, hello.

>>38063253
>To be completely honest... the majority of the guys probably didn't think they were doing anything wrong at all. They probably expected him to be enjoying it, even despite the obvious protest and effect.

I doubt there's any chance they expected him to enjoy it. Certainly many of them enjoyed feeling powerful, but I doubt the majority did. And those deciding were most likely trying to gain control of the others via this demonstration. If it wasn't part of a group, it probably wouldn't happened at all.

A good question, though, is why was Dan targeted, what was it that singled him out?

>>38063067
>No anon, I am perfectly healthy. But I sure do feel incompetent.
If you are perfectly healthy then there is no reason for you to be so physically incompetent. Have you considered it might actually just be caused by your thoughts?

As for the other shit. I can't say anything but that it's fucking harsh.

>>38063132
The cannot stand part might again have to do with your self image.

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>>38063300

Check out the time on when it began, baby.

How about that quote of yours, were you saying that you were trolling about it? I'm not sure I got your meaning yesterday.

Pic related.

>>38063078
i can relate to this. i used to do the same with youtube, and also i wouldnt do anything else at the same time as im watching a movie as that wouldnt be right either.
to me it's completely normal to play dead space 1 before dead space 2.
but starting with NES games from 96 because you wanna play skyrim is on a completely different level. it's not even in the same galaxy.

>>38063285
Yeah, I can picture it easily. It does not make me feel fear or anxiety like that flashbacks do. It's the complete opposite. It honestly makes me happy to picture him like that. It makes me feel powerful. I would walk away and leave him like that if I could. I hate him.

>>38063346
Self-justification is a powerful thing.

He's a virgin, awkward around girls. Maybe if we throw him in the girls locker room and force him to be around them, he'll get a little more comfortable. Also, it'll be funny. It's completely harmless, guys. Come on. He never gets to see the girls naked anyway.

>>38062377
Yeah, my fetishes definitely can get extreme. I imagine my wife giving birth to sexual slaves that she would smother with her pussy. We could have a sexual hierarchy in the household, higher ones get to use the lower one in any way they wish.

>Positive emotions without sperging out
Exactly my problem anon. I heavily enjoy when the other person has autism as I feel more like I can be accepted. I absolutely have no idea how to display friendship without being autistic.

>Physical copy
Yeah, I have paranoia that Steam will go offline and that I would lose the right to whatever games I got. Plus I am not sure if you have the right to modify files if you get it through Steam, I had a friend that couldn't do things due to it being Steam.

Well, the problem is that Steam is useless anyway for someone who has the OCD problem I do. Of course I expect you to have seen what I meant further on, working my way through the thread, but will be away for a little bit.

>>38063415
>to me it's completely normal to play dead space 1 before dead space 2.

>fiancee bought me DS2 before I had 1
>I told her I couldn't play it before I played the first
>got 1, then played 2 years later

>right in the feels

It's been months now. I can't even remember her as real, as in, if I look around where she used to be, I can't think of it as having happened. I hate this. But I know what it's from. And it's not normal.

>hindered infancy development of object constancy

>>38063381
That was when the troll was posting with my name. I decided to fuck around. He made it seem like I had such a great admiration of you, so I rolled with it.

>>38063346
>A good question, though, is why was Dan targeted, what was it that singled him out?
I can say what I think it was. You may laugh. I was short. Shorter than other boys my age, quite significantly at about 11. And this is where it gets funny. At that age, girls would bully me, like really beat me up, because at that age the power difference isn't that big and there was always at least three of them, so I just couldn't win. Important thing is that where I live 1st to 5th grade and 6th to 9th grade of school is seen as a big difference. In my village there was a school up to 5th grade, but when I went to 6th grade, I had to go to a different one, in a bigger city. This school was (and still is) known for being quite rough. So in the first half year people saw that girls can beat me up.

Of course the state where girls could beat me up didn't last long as I outgrew them in a few months. But the damage was done, my reputation was as the guy who can be beaten up by girls and so I got shat on further. I wasn't even short for a long time, as I grew quite a lot and soon was at least almost average. I actually remember playfully fighting with a girl I knew (she was nice to me), she was punching me playfully, so I did the same and sent her to the ground immediately. I just didn't realize how much stronger I've gotten. Didn't even mean it.

Anyways yeah. Being short led to getting beaten by girls which to led to getting beaten by everyone. If I was normal height for the boy of my age when I was 11, this wouldn't have happened.

>>38063419

OK, this is working. I kept the second part for later because it's the hardcore part. This is something I have used myself in the past, and found it to work, so bear with me. It should work.

Imagine yourself in the scene. You hold a metal baseball bat in your hand, and you're strong as fuck.

Now here's what happens: you smash your father's skull with the bat. It doesn't break right away, so you keep beating his face and skull with it. Picture this, and take your time. Imagine the bone structure slowly breaking away under your blows.

I know this is brutal as fuck, but do it. Ravel in it, feel all the power you can from it.

I'm going to call this Dark Therapy...
it works for me, I end up pitying people I normally hate.

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I think I fucked up

It looks completely different from what I expected

I'll have to rework half of it

>>38062841
Hey, I am enjoying my time here anon. I often end up lonely and like to talk to people, but this is a quiet time, so it is nice to have someone. I will be popping by as long as you will have me.

I never finished HP Lovecraft, that was one thing I tried to excuse and take exception to. See, the thing is that I absolutely loathe reading. I read eight books of the Wheel of Time to play a Quake map and hated every second of it. I like interaction, I like doing things, and sitting there looking at text just feels subpar in comparison to a game that I cannot play due to having to read all these horrible books.

Focus on the fun sounds easy, but the problem is that I end up so miserable playing the game I should be having fun with to the point I feel I permanently ruined everything for myself. I end up feeling physically sick, like I destroyed a part of myself. I hate that I cheated and I feel like it can never be taken back, the most you can do is repent. I am more miserable playing games I normally couldn't touch than reading horrible book series.

Well, I cannot drink soda out of a can, just a bottle. This caused a major argument with my mother as she did not respect my wishes and bought cans not because she didn't know, but because she didn't care, and I was upset at her apathy.

>>38063421
>Self-justification is a powerful thing.

You used that before, but it sounds more like a core belief than anything else. If you'd like to articule a thought about it instead of just saying like a magic formula, I'm all ears.

>He's a virgin, awkward around girls. Maybe if we throw him in the girls locker room and force him to be around them, he'll get a little more comfortable. Also, it'll be funny. It's completely harmless, guys. Come on. He never gets to see the girls naked anyway.

I don't see how that resembles anything I said. I maintain that people who do this stuff rarely know the damage they're about to do. Exception made when former victims of this treatment want to do the same to others.

>>38063424
>Exactly my problem anon. I heavily enjoy when the other person has autism as I feel more like I can be accepted. I absolutely have no idea how to display friendship without being autistic.

Would you say you have issues understanding and expressing other emotions as well?

> Plus I am not sure if you have the right to modify files if you get it through Steam, I had a friend that couldn't do things due to it being Steam.

Sure you can. Mods and all.

>>38063424
>Yeah, my fetishes definitely can get extreme
Like what?

I just want to feel bad, I don't want someone to ask my what are my problems because they are either nonsense of hurt too much for me to even think about, does that make any sense?

>>38063520
It feels good. Very good. I actually frequently think about brutally hurting him from time to time. It makes me feel relived.

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>>38063475

I wanted to believe...

Pic related.

>>38063552
Self-justification is everywhere. It seeps into your life at every corner.

When you get mad at your SO and say things just to hurt them, you have to first justify it in your head - "that person did me wrong. Things are now uneven. I hurt them because they hurt me."

When you do something that you know deep down is not the right thing to do, you justify it somehow. You must - that is the only way you can do wrong.

>>38063599
Yeah lt Does

>>38063499

Is this why you still feel like you're short?

>>38063524

This is good, actually! Post more!

>>38063457
>>fiancee bought me DS2 before I had 1
why would anyone do that? it never occurred to me that that was something that could even happen.

>I can't think of it as having happened
wait, isnt this normal?
now i've got some googling to do

>>38063524
that's some nice hand bones, those fuckers are real bitches

>>38063524
Oh yeah I definetly fucked up
Fuck that Ill start a new one