Help me anons

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Heres a quick rundown of the last few years of my life anons

>Brother kills himself
>Go to some college that is trash and drop out
>get a job at that college for a few months
>quit because I complete everything in two seconds
>Start at another college and get bullied into dropping out

While all this was going on I was so alone and has no support from anyone, you all preached about the gay meme and I fucking fell for it. I installed grindr to feel like someone loved me , I knew after they were done with me that was it and I would never hear from them again but for that time I was with them it felt real and it got me through my current situation. So after 4 guys and then getting raped I was more broken then before , but still not gay.

The only issue now is that the damage I did cant be undone , I cant undo all that time starving myself to be a twink(still do it). I am invisible to women but know that all I have to do to get attention and some sort of "connection" to someone is to install grindr again. Im not even fucking gay , Im just so lonely anons and im pretty sure I have HIV.

Do I attempt to alpha up anons? Start lifting and hope that helps or may I just double down on what I did knowing that I only do it because its all I can have and I will never be happy with that.