Psychological Issues #79

>>38035776
How do i overcome fear of sexual intimacy?

>>38035785

Try figuring out why this scares you. It could be:

- personal shame (body, desires, etc)
- past experiences with intimacy (rape, abuse, molestation)
- disliking physical touch

And other things. Can you narrow it down?

>>38035807
Can you possibly link to the old thread please? I cant find it in the archives and I'd really like to read it.

>>38035953

Incoming. I take care of the archives.

70 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37270112/
71 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37558329/
72 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37583554/
73 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37600377/
74 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37706039/
74 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37640621/
75 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37729443/
76 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37824755/
77 / https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/37849700/
78 - https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/38014184/

I made three phone calls today. I think that's my record. I hate the phone.

The worst is when they say they'll call you back. I remain tense until they actually call me back.

>>38036008
BooHoo. Thanks for blogposting, cuckold.

Sure is a slow day.

>>38035776
Here we go:
My mother tries to kill herself everytime I want to move out, her live is shit because my stepdad went somehow mentally ill and abused her the last 5 years, she lost her job and got really sick. She tried to kill herself a couple of weeks ago again and was in a mental facility, she's out since today. I talked to her and said that it fucks me over everytime she does it and that I have to reduce contact with her to protect myself if she she tries to kill herself again. She is now really angry and thinks that I think that she only tried to kill herself to annoy me. What should I do now? Any tips? I'm 19.

>>38035807
>shame
I do dislike my body (i'm fat) but mostly i'm afraid of having desire as it makes me not pure.
>past experiences
none that i remember
>physical touch
yes, it's a big one. I dont like anyone touching me besides my hands but i can somewhat touch others without problem. However i couldnt touch a girl in intimate setting, i would freeze.

>>38036698

Is your mother in therapy? Read about Borderline Personality Disorder and tell me if it sounds like her.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

>>38036726
>i'm afraid of having desire as it makes me not pure.

Let's discuss this. Explain this to me as if I were an alien who knew nothing of humans and earth.

>I dont like anyone touching me

Do you understand why?

>>38036786
>Explain this to me as if I were an alien who knew nothing of humans and earth
I view myself as a pure person who's not involves with sexuality besides mere masturbation. I never had a kiss, held hands with girls or flirted with anyone. My family was more of a "mental" one - they showed love through words and not physical affection therefore showing it to another person is a foreign idea to me. I also had a huge brother complex in childhood.
>touching me
I'm a very sensitive to touches and it feels like electricity is running through my body. I think that i might be afraid of accepting vulnerability.

>>38035776
Good morning Nick. Apologies if I've missed it but why have you started running this early in the morning?

>>38036841
>I'm a very sensitive to touches and it feels like electricity is running through my body. I think that i might be afraid of accepting vulnerability.

Insightful.

OK, good news, I can relate. I come from a family where touch was mostly inexistant or it was forced. As such, my brothers and myself never learned what most people seem to know naturally. For my brothers, they couldn't even hug a girl originally, and I imagine the rest was difficult as well. I fared better, but I understand the issue on a personal level.

First, you must remove this idea that your purity is tainted by touch. Touch is an exchange, communication, not tarnishment.

The vulnerability point is a good one. Yes, when touched, it means you open up, you let someone affect you deeply, fulfill your needs, etc. Maybe you aren't in tune with your need to be touched.

You can learn all these. It will simply require the right woman, but there are countless women out there who dream of someone like you. Someone with whom you go slow, where everything counts.

>brother complex

Tell me more.

>>38036776
>BPD
Yep already read about it, sounds like her, especially the black and white thinking and the self destructive part, but as far as I can tell, she really sounds more like the c-ptsd type, she was diagnosed with ptsd before because of her traumatic childhood.
>therapy
She used to when I was a kid, but she quitted because they somehow tried to make her remember things from her childhood. Of course she had therapy the last weeks when she was in the hospital, but I don't know if she keeps it up, probably not as far as I know her.

The problem is that she has really bad mental health issues since I was like 8, and she refuses to work on her problems, what causes problems for me. I think the way that she behaves is really egoistical, I can't help her, I tried to in the past, but she tried to kill herself anyway.

>>38036892

Hello you. I realised, checking the archives, that you had said hello in the thread yesterday, but I hadn't seen it. I deleted the first version as quickly as possible because I had forgotten the Roman numeral. Apologies for that.

I'm on holidays now, so threads can pop up whenever. It's almost 4 pm for me. I'm awake before 8 am.

That'd be why. How are you?

>>38036901
>Yep already read about it, sounds like her, especially the black and white thinking and the self destructive part, but as far as I can tell, she really sounds more like the c-ptsd type, she was diagnosed with ptsd before because of her traumatic childhood.

C-PTSD will cover all of the above. BPD, PTSD, etc, they all go under the C-PTSD umbrella. I wonder where you heard the term C-PTSD, though. I'm curious.

But yeah, your mother has very Borderliny traits, and refuses help. Do you know her parents?

>>38036910
It is all good Nick. What's a holiday like? What do you do with a whole day off working?

>>38036924
>Do you know her parents?
No I don't, but after all I heard they were sadistic neglectful alcoholics, her mother throw her brother with his head against a radiator what made him a retard, and I heard that they once left the apartment and for a week and didn't fed them.

>>38036898
>Someone with whom you go slow, where everything counts
Sadly i'm not a youngster but a 24 khv who has graduated from uni. Most of my possibly interactions will be only from workplace.
>Tell me more
Well i used to sleep with my bro (I was the "bigger spoon) for a long time (maybe till 4th-5th grad). I was a very nurturing and caring towards him and even cried where he would leave with his dance troupe for a festival. I guess because this attachment i cannot feel the same towards any other person. Ofcourse now it has fallen off but it's still there.

>>38036946

- cleaning
- phone calls
- amateur psychology trying to figure out the mentally ill around me
- finishing letter to my ebil mother
- picking up more trash
- interviews with the devil
- going to BBQ with my group of women
- going to restaurants with friends

Stuff like that.

>>38036979

As expected. You're going to have to treat your mother as thought she was a child. She needs therapy really, really badly. Consider DBT, Dialectic Behavioural Therapy, as it works best with Borderliners.

You seem to have a very healthy reaction and way of thinking about the whole thing, which is amazing considering how you must have been raised. Very good.

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

Some reading for you.

>>38037004
>Sadly i'm not a youngster but a 24 khv who has graduated from uni. Most of my possibly interactions will be only from workplace.

That doesn't matter. 24 is baby level to me. You can easily find a younger woman who is also inexperienced, or one who is your age or above and is also inexperienced. You can also find someone who is. You're not the only one, by far. You will find women of all ages who have intimacy issues.

As to the brother thing, do you think, if you were to touch someone else, you'd feel bad because you'd have the same reflex of "not going further" because it reminds you of brotherly hugs? Does any form of intimacy put you back into the brotherly frame?

How come you used to sleep with your brother, by the way?

>>38037097
>you'd feel bad because you'd have the same reflex of "not going further" because it reminds you of brotherly hugs? Does any form of intimacy put you back into the brotherly frame?
No it doesnt. I didnt thought about how intimacy was similar to the one i had with bro on those rare occasions where i had somewhat intimacy with girls.
>How come you used to sleep with your brother, by the way?
I have no concrete explanation. I guess i needed attention and i was comfortable with expressing with kind of brotherly connection.

>>38037162
>No it doesnt. I didnt thought about how intimacy was similar to the one i had with bro on those rare occasions where i had somewhat intimacy with girls.

OK, that's good.

>I have no concrete explanation. I guess i needed attention and i was comfortable with expressing with kind of brotherly connection.

Did you have your own beds? Did you invite him, did he come to you?

You weren't forced by your parents, right?

Did anything more than spooning happen?

>>38037187
>Did you have your own beds? Did you invite him, did he come to you?
Yeah, we had separate beds and i'd come to him.
>You weren't forced by your parents, right?
Definitely not, parents slightly mocked (definitely not in a bad way) this whole situation.
>Did anything more than spooning happen.
I guess something sex imitation happen like dry humping or willy fight but nothing more than that.

>>38037229
>I guess something sex imitation happen like dry humping or willy fight but nothing more than that.

Dry humping your brother... Was it done as a joke? Or not?

As to willy fights, how old were you at that point?

>inb4 posting willy war gifs

>>38037264
>Was it done as a joke? Or not?
As far as i remember it was more of a joke.
>how old
maybe he was 4-5 and i 7-8, something like seeing sex scene and trying to recreate but we both had willies and it ended up as willy fight for a minute or two without ejaculation.

>>38037332

Describe how a willy fight goes.

>>38035776
Hello, you replied to my other thread where I asked if my therapist is incompetent. Well here goes nothing...

My story? Really careless father throught my whole life, who didn't give a damn, didn't give money, and pissed the fuck out of me all the time, a bossy mother, that wanted me to do everything perfectly, but also at the same time in her ways, how she imagined it, in order. Parents weren't taking me anywhere, we live a enclosed life, this messed me up bad. Since the middle of primary school I was bullied, and it was worse with each year, with middle school being the worst. Stuff like mocking me, making fun of my looks, my style, my hobbies, also physical like beating me, flushing head in the sink, trying to put it in the toilette, but what was the worst was the psychological bullying. It was baaaaaad. So bad that I developed terrible condition of IBS in the beggining of middle school, where EVERYTHING that i ate, it hurt my bowels and I just pooped everything right out. it's still today with me but not as bad. In the high school bullying was very low, but I was a lost cause. Already had terrible social enxiety and OCD was kicking in in the later high school, as well as depression. Depression was mostly due to not having anyone, I only had 2 good friends in HS, later in college maybe also 2, but not as good. Somewhere in the college years I had a GF, but she cheated on me. But I have to say she took my depression away totally. Completelty. And this helped me fighting with OCD and other mental problems my life caused. With depression I can't even eat now. IDK why am I talking about this...

I keep seeing figures in inanimate objects. Scenery, faces with odd facial expressions etc. Nobody else can see these, even if I try very hard to get them to see them. My psychiatrist thinks I'm psychotic, but I honestly feel just fine. I just see these faces everywhere.

We were once sitting in her office and there was this chair that obviously had a face on it. Bald man with sunglasses and I asked her, if she could see it or not. She just looked at me with this look of disappointed and just told me no, she couldn't. I wish I could draw these faces, they're really fascinating to me.

>>38037454

You most likely were bullied at school because other kids could tell you were "different" and you were different because your parents raised you the way dysfunctional people do, that is, barely. I have the same background. Don't feel responsible for it, it wasn't your fault.

>IBS

Have you checked for gluten intolerance? I suffered for years until I figured that one out. Maybe abusive childhoods cause gluten intolerance, that's a wild theory but who knows.

Girlfriend taking your depression away strongly suggests some Borderline traits in you, same as with me, for that.

I recommend reading the following articles:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

and

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/

>>38037470

Quick question: when you say you see faces, do you mean the way we see things in clouds, or like you literally see a face?

When did this begin?

>>38037522
>>38037522
Thanks. Yes, they felt I was different. But also I was weaker, smaller, skinnier always. Looked different. I always had this feeling I was born different.

What should I do next? As I said, psychologist doesn't do anything for me.

>>38037573
>What should I do next?

If you stick with me I am pretty sure we can get somewhere, if only to see whether you need a new therapist.

Don't forget all of my questions, or I will ask them again.

Have you tried not eating gluten for a month?

Also, describe concrete examples of your OCD and other symptoms you have.

You can make a list, each item can be short.

>>38037537
I see literal faces. Sometimes they're creatures, but even creatures have faces right? They're usually not human.

I really wish I could draw these, but right now on my curtains I see a creature with googly eyes and a beak. He is also wearing an armor that is hard to describe really.

This started around 3 years ago, I'm currently 25 years old.

Now it turned into a creature that resembles a humanoid hippo.

>>38037612
>This started around 3 years ago, I'm currently 25 years old.

Did anything else happen 3 years ago?

>>38037362
>Describe how a willy fight goes.
It's hard to describe - it's more like "sword fighting" or "rubbing" but without cumming. I guess this kind of "intimacy" made me fear of females because i never played doctor or had female friend in childhood. Besides female genitalia is somewhat repulsing to look at if you're not horny.

>>38037522
Oh and I had a gastroscophy last week for gluten intolerance I guess (for coeliac disease AKA absorptive disorder). GHonna have the exam results in a few weeks.

>>38035984
>https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/38014184/
Thanks, this is the one I was looking for the last one before this. Thank you again.

>>38037636
Yeah I started having these intense panic attacks and I developed this massive hypochondria. I think I spent around half a year looking at different diseases online.

I had like 5-10 panic attacks a day and I couldn't sleep at all. I haven't had an episode like that since then, just depression that comes and goes.

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So I posted this in the last thread but I'll post again and maybe go into more detail about what happened as a young teen.

I was always a coward and pathetic, even as a toddler I hide behind my mom whenever anyone approached us. Later as a young child (8 to 11) I was molested for years by a non blood related relative, my step grandfather. It wasn't violent molestation because he groomed me (another family member younger than me was involved too), he would buy us gifts and tell us he loved us and crap etc. Even though I wasn't threatened or beat or anything this shit really fucked me up. After high school I just decided I wasn't going to do life. I completely isolated myself. Other than therapy.

I have been in therapy where related to the molestation I was diagnosed with both ptsd and bpd, and (not related to it) I have agoraphobia, avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety, ocd, and severe depression. I also had a pretty dysfunctional family. My mom is insane, also diagnosed with severe depression and was often suicidal when I was a child among other crazy things.

I'm 28 and I've never even had a job only been to one interview which I had a panic attack in because the interviewer was male. I have a pretty bad fear of men period. If they talk to me in real life I will be really really mean to them most of the time. On the inside I feel really scared and intimidated. The fear turned to hate over the years.

Also I'm really ugly. I pretty much look like eggman. Only on my body is deforming level cutting scars all over. Kind of like pic related but on a fatter body.

I'm a fucking loser. I wish I wasn't thinking about suicide as much as I am right now.

>>38037641

OK. I do believe that there was more than just brothers messing around with this. It feels less like a game and more like something you enjoyed doing for physical reasons.

I also fail to see why this would make you fear women. That's like saying, "I studied dolphins, and now I'm scared of bears!"

I never played doctor either and never had willy wars with my brothers, and no fear of women ensued.

Have you ever been attracted to males? To any degree.

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This pretty much sums it up. Additionally, now I need to find a job and I feel underqualified for just about anything

>>38037006
>interviews with the devil
What? Far as the rest goes though it sounds nice. I actually have a day off coming up. But that's because cows got out and we're running two miles-ish of fence that day.

>>38037643

I have a type of gluten intolerance that doesn't match the celiac stuff. I can still eat it but too much of it will cause me great pain.

Don't forget the rest of my post!

>>38037666

Satan trips. Did anything trigger all these symptoms? A tragic event? A life-changing moment? Anything?

>>38037694

I meant to keep in touch with you, last time, but you were gone already and I took someone else for you.

I'm especially interested in the fear of men thing.

I did respond to you last time, now I'm not sure whether you saw my post or not.

>>38037733

Define disgusting personality, be detailed.

>>38037608
>>38037744

>Have you tried not eating gluten for a month?

No, but this is the best answer for now - >>38037643
I do have a diet though for IBS.

>Also, describe concrete examples of your OCD and other symptoms you have.

OCD:
- I need to have everything in perfect place in 90* in my room, commodes, car, phone, computer, etc.
- Hangers in my closet need to be in perfect spaces.
- My every day looks exactly the same, patterns patterns and patterns. I have to do everything in the same hours.

Depression:
- General felling of being just down, miserable
- No motivation to do stuff I loved
- Losing motivation to do basic stuff to live
- Feeling of emptiness that I don't have a close relationship
- Bad sleeping patterns (hard to fall asleep, hard to get out of the bad in the morning)
- Losing weight even though I have to eat more and do that
- Nervous all the time, smallest things can make me explode.

Social Anxiety:
- Feel scared of going out
- Feel like everyone is watching me and judging negatively
- The same when eating outside.
- Stomach pains when having to do something socially.

There's maybe more that I am missing because I got used to some symptoms that I don't see anymore haha. And maybe some are in teh wrong section. but w/e

>>38037788
And I should mention that depression is strongly connected to the fact I have the need to have someone close.

>>38037779
The way I act in general, my doubt of everyone, deficient in every way, feel like my only use is as a stepping stone or as someone for others to mock and constant discomfort around anyone

>>38037728
>Have you ever been attracted to males? To any degree.
No, i never had male crush. I guess my affection to brother might be influenced by the fact that i had abandonment issues with mom but i also used to sleep from time to time (when i was around 6-10 years) because of nightmares.

>>38037788

You have a bunch in common with Meta; I hope he will come around.

What did your therapist say about your condition for now?

Did you read the articles I posted? You may find some answers there. I hope your therapist mentioned some of that stuff already.

>>38037749
I did take 4 grams of shrooms. The hypochondria and panic attacks happened around 1 month after the experience. The experience was between horrifying and extremely enlightening.

>>38037799

This is very Borderliny. To fill the hole in your soul that your parents failed to fill when you were a kid. You never experienced the safety a kid should experience, so you're still looking for it.

>>38037809

Not precise enough. Tell me about a specific event.


>>38037811

Did your mother ever touch you?

>>38037816

It's suggested that certain drugs do trigger latent psychotic issues, or schizo ones. This could be it.

You need a psychiatrist, fast.

>>38037816
She said that because of my childhood I have those symptoms. No joking. Those were her words pretty much... And now I "have to look at the goods in my life" which I already established that in the end only my college worked for me (good grades, good field of study etc) and the rest was bad either completely or ended up like my friendships or love etc.

But yeah, when I had GF I had no depression. It was gone and came back after.

>>38037813
I will read them later. Feel totally down right now and have no energy to read and comprehend :(. I want to die.

>>38037875
>She said that because of my childhood I have those symptoms. No joking.

Did she explain anything beyond that? The mechanics of a stressed body? Complex trauma?

Did she suggest specific therapies, exercises? Thoughts to focus on?

It really feels like I could do more than her, for zero money.

>>38037849
Don't worry, I've been going to a psychiatrist for past one and half years. The thing is that they're not exactly helping me too much, although they do tell me that I bounce between reality and delusions too easily.

I'm no longer hypochondriac and I sleep soundly, even though my sleeping patterns are fucked up.

>>38037838
>Did your mother ever touch you?
Not that i remember but i'd say that no. On the other hand i remember seeing female privates when i was 5 or 6. I accidentally stumbled on female nudist beach and then i was forced out by some raging nude fat women. Maybe i was prison gay for my bro because of hatred towards women.

>>38037838
Specifics of what? Sorry

>>38037904

Stick around. Things will get better.

I'll have to shower soon, guys.

[email protected]

You can all write to me if necessary.

I'll dump tests and other things to keep you guys busy.

>>38035776
I made a thread about this yesterday. But what the hell:

>tfw been attracted to lolis for my entire life
>never been able to cum during sex without thinking about little girls
>decide to get therapy
>delete my entire lolicon and candy doll folder
>get a psychologist for 100 euros every week
>been going for 3 months
>still no change.
>still can't masturbate over adult women, still can't cum during sex, still fantasise about young girls everyday, still hate myself and want to die.

>>38037914

Try different psychiatrists, try a psychologist, too. Psychiatrists are doctors, they may not always dig into your mind.

>>38037915

I have to go, but I'll come back to you eventually.

Get busy, people:
Tests

https://www.depression-anxiety-stress-test.org/take-the-test.html
http://www.celebritytypes.com/dark-triad/test.php
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20151123-how-dark-is-your-personality
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/do-i-have-ocd
https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/borderline.htm
http://www.pdchat.co.uk/psychtests/stpd/stypal.php
https://pcsearle.com/screening/screen_des.html
http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20151123-how-dark-is-your-personality
http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/
https://psychology-tools.com/empathy-quotient/
http://www.educateautism.com/infographics/sally-anne-test.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests/health/mental-health-assessment

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/seven_deadly_sins.html

Not all are serious tests.

>>38037905
Hmmm nothing really more than that. I don't recall. Only that I have this because of my dysfunctional parents and other children. Now I have to say to myself when something bad is happening or sth that "there were good parts of my life" and I already told you this. I told you... she seems incompetent totally.

>>38037932
Yeah they evaluated my mental state with a psychologist and psychologist came to the conclusion that I've many psychiatric problems. No diagnosis yet though.

I think it's rather odd, that after one and half years they still haven't found a diagnosis for me and I've been 100% honest with them as well, and this honesty got me into psych ward once.

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>>38035776
I usually ignore these threads, is anyone in these threads an actual mental health professional? Or is it just ask chair psychologists?

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>>38037947
Here's some results. Why not?

>>38038124
Are we supposed to post them?

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>>38038124
What does it mean? Oh wait there's a robot here, have to be original when I comment.

>>38038145
You don't have to. I just don't care if you guys see how fucked up I really am.

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>>38038191
I guess that's valid. We're all fucked up here

>>38037915
>On the other hand i remember seeing female privates when i was 5 or 6. I accidentally stumbled on female nudist beach and then i was forced out by some raging nude fat women.

Were you shocked by the privates?

>>38037917
Specifics of the behaviour you describe. I can't do anything with "in general", I need specific events, specific acts, actions, reactions, etc.

>>38037922

Were you molested as a child, around the age of the lolis you come to?

>>38038501
>Were you shocked by the privates?
I think so. I mean i used to think that men and women had same genitalia. Even now i would be afraid to put my penis into girl vagina.

>>38038016

Please use a name. Other symptoms?

Oh boy. The thread sure started early today.

Hello everyone. How are we doing?

>>38038529
Depression and anxiety mainly. Apparently I'm also really paranoid about a lot of stuff, but I don't feel like it. I'm really upfront about my "paranoia" as well, I just ask the psychiatrist upfront if I feel like they're fucking with me.

>>38038501
I find myself doubting that anyone could ever want anything to do with me, and that if they approach me, that they want to gain something from me, or benefit from what I do
I feel like I can't do anything right. And if something goes well, that it was a fluke and that I'll trip up and fuck things up immediately afterwards
Since I feel that way, I feel like the only thing I'll ever do in my life is be someone that other people can benefit from and move on to better things, or that they can feel better about themselves by belittling me
And overall just not comfortable around people. Going to a restaurant is stressful, walking past people in the streets is uncomfortable, like they'll turn around and laugh at the way I'm walking, or something else

Is that kind of better? I don't like talking about specific events online too much

>>38038522

Maybe you have vagina PTSD. You weren't prepared for that sight, and genitals are disturbing to children. You expect a willy and you get Predator's portrait.

I'd recommend working on it by looking at female genitals a lot, getting used to it. Learn the anatomy then google images. Focus on the nicer ones at first. Hairless if that helps. That's an exercise for you.

>>38038598

It's much better.

There's a lot of work to do here, but the big plus is that you're aware.

The main point for now is self-esteem. You have very little. Here's a question that I take straight from my own therapist: can you rate your self-love from 1 to 10?

>>38038642
1. 0 if it were an option

>>38038609
Hmm, i also used to sneak peek on my mom while she was changing clothes and one time she caught me. I guess it also adds up as i'm afraid of being punished.

>>38038649

OK, bear with me as I try experimental techniques up in this bitch.

Close your eyes and imagine the following scene: you're sitting at a university campus and a cute girl comes up to you and says hi, while smiling.

What goes through your mind?

>>38038672
>i also used to sneak peek on my mom

What motivated you to do this? (True question.)

>>38038684
>What motivated you to do this? (True question.)
First thing which comes to my head is curiosity.

>>38038714
>First thing which comes to my head is curiosity.

It probably was. Did you see your mother's personal bits? If so, how did you feel about them?

>>38038677
>What goes through your mind?
Oh no. Where are her friends? Probably just coming to get something to make fun of my for

>>38038725
>Did you see your mother's personal bits?
I dont remember
>If so, how did you feel about them?
I guess i was shocked because in that area there was no penis.

>>38038746

Are you aware that such thoughts will actually lead you to behave in ways that will eventually make people react just as you feared?

For things to happen, you have to believe in their possibilities. I'll have more examples later, but I have to go soon.

I'll share some personal shortcomings. I was socially retarded in ways difficult to imagine. But I understand now why things happen.

A girl I had to work with for a presentation once asked me if I could open her bottle. Instead of proudly using my strength to service a lady and say, "You're welcome," I made the following joke:

"At least that way I'm useful."

And I thought I was funny, because I unconsciously assumed that my own self-esteem was somehow known by everyone else. The girl just had an embarrassed laugh, but I hadn't realised how passive aggressive had been, because I really didn't see the disconnect between what I thought of myself and how others didn't think this shittily of me.

>shittily

I believe this problematic is yours too. We can work on it.

>>38038508
Nope.

I had a great childhood I never sexually experimented as a child either.

Afternoon all. As usual, Thursday was my C-PTSD/ DID therapy. It went fairly well, I reckon. Today the focus was on building a 'safe space' using EMDR. It wasn't entirely smooth, but it was productive. So now I have a comfy mental space to retreat to. There was a bit of resistance: surprisingly (to me anyway) during this exercise the wolf was the one opposed to it; opposed to me effectively having a space safe from them, into which they could not enter. The exercise involved sensory visualisation. I had done the appearance and it was going well. We were part way through sound and it was at that point there was a howl. Then it was thunder as well. Finally, scratching on the walls. We moved onto smell, and it was raw meat. By this point I wasn;t quite tearful but I was a bit dewy-eyed. I remember saying to the therapist 'Itwasn't supposed to be like this'. I was surprised that he was the one causing me problems. He made a big effort to undermine the exercise and to violate that space but in the end he simmered down.

It also came out through discussion that he's not really sadistic particularly; the sadistic one is the other. The analogy I used was that in a judo match I'd soonest go for a pin to secure the win. The wolf would go hard, aiming for big power throws without a thought for defence. The other wouldn't care about winning or losing, just trying to get in digs and dirty moves to cause as much pain as possible. He'd seize on submission opportunities though, of course.

The therapist noticed a couple of instances of intrusion, notably from the other.

>>38038778

I have to go, but when I come back, we need to discuss your hatred of women. Dump it all!

The thread will survive until I come back.

I have a hard time wanting to do anything for myself. I only imagine failure and I want to just sustain. Make enough to pay bills and just play video games. Say just the right things to my gf so that she does not ask me any prying "how" or "why" questions.

I like writing fiction and poetry, though I have also convinced myself that it is pointless because I will never make money. This, of course is a catch 22, but doing it no longer gives me joy either way. I took the test for depression, anxiety, and stress linked earlier on, and I got a 33 for depression. Took antidepressants once, but I despise the sexual side effects. I just want to conquer it on my own, as I do not think it clinical, just pervasive and powerful. I still have very, very good days.

>>38038831
Fortunately, I don't have to deal with people much. I'm afraid what will happen when I get a job though.

Self deprecating jokes are the only kind I know, but I guess I can see how it might be bothersome to some.

I guess goodbye

>>38038874
I guess you could think about why are you making these jokes. And try to work on the cause.

>>38038947
I make them because I hate myself and believe myself to be genuinely useless. I can't believe that anyone could possibly want to talk to me or spend any time trying to know me

>>38038968
Then that's what you have to start with. But it's not going to be easy obviously. I think it can be done though.

Do you think you will be better of if you stop hating yourself?

>>38039019
Dunno. Probably, but I've never not hated myself, so I don't really know the answer to that

>>38039036
Maybe improving yourself. Achieving something. Learning something. Anything really.

You have probably more to like about yourself even if you don't think so. And even if you have absolutely nothing to like about yourself, even better. Anything you do will be a huge improvement no matter how minor it is.

>>38039036
Dumb question: why do you hate yourself? Are you like me where you did not really think of yourself until others (classmates, parents) started speaking up about what they did not like about you?

>>38039068
I just finished college. I feel like I was pushed through by the faculty more than having earned the diploma on my own in addition to feeling vastly unprepared to get a job
>>38039101
I was pretty much cut off from everyone in school from a young age, and even my teachers disliked me. The rage it caused me didn't help endear me to anyone and I was frequently in trouble

>>38039101
So I guess it's more from people disliking me, making me look to myself for reasons why and finding much

>>38037772
I saw your post I just didn't save your email, I don't have a throw away email to use so I'd have to make one. Do you want to talk about it in the thread instead? Ask me anything?

>>38039147
What was your major? Also you don't need other people for you to like yourself. Sure, growing up and being treated poorly makes it difficult. Very difficult in fact not to hate yourself. But I think it must be worth it. And the best thing it's your decision.

>>38039147
>I just finished college. I feel like I was pushed through by the faculty more than having earned the diploma on my own in addition to feeling vastly unprepared to get a job
College is a fucking joke, at least here in the States. I've wasted the past 5 years of my life, and still need one more semester. But I've gotten the (unpaid) internship that's gonna blossom into a full-time job around mid-August. Debating whether I should bother finishing the diploma or not.

>>38039192
Computer electronic technician. College in Canada, not the USA
The way I see it is, there must have been a reason they didn't like me. And as far as I can see, they're right
>>38039258
I live in Canada. They may have taken on the internship/full time job offer as something that you can move into after you get your diploma. Might be worth finishing it since you're already this far into it

how do i convince myself that relativism is wrong and that sitting around all day eating garbage and passively consuming media isn't just as good as any other life path

>>38039293
The reason I got the spot is that a guy quit, and IT isn't exactly a fast-growing field here. I know for a fact that the Chamber here still runs on Windows '98.

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The more you say to yourself 'I'm a loser, I'm this or that' and it's negative - the worse your mind state will get.

Cognitive therapy means changing your thoughts. Every time you have suicidal thought or negative thought against yourself you have to counter it.

Do it to survive.

>>38039293
That's not a bad major at all. You must have learned a lot.

>The way I see it is, there must have been a reason they didn't like me.
Nick would disagree with me, but people are harsh for very arbitrary reasons. They will especially at young age try to tip you off. It's just the way they are. And then when they see a reaction they push further. And when other people see this, they also push you. People just do that, it's a part of our nature trying. It's essentially competitiveness. I'm not trying to make excuses here by the way. Just explaining how I see it.

The initial push is very arbitrary and afterwards it's perpetuated further. Point is, if you can come back from this hole (and you can). If you can start respecting yourself (and you can). People will in turn respect you, there is no one they respect more than someone they tried to break but didn't manage to. And you're not broken. Otherwise you wouldn't be here talking to me.

Other people not liking you is not an issue. Focus on yourself. For now, you're the only one who matters.

>>38039422
>98
Good lord
>>38039465
Easier said than done when it's 16 years of negative thinking
>>38039465
I'm pretty much here talking for something to do since nothing feels really interesting right now

>>38039430
Easier said than done, bubble tits

>>38039502
>Easier said than done when it's 16 years of negative thinking
That's true. I'm not saying it's easy. I haven't been able to do it myself. Not completely anyways. Now you might think that I'm a retard and why I'm even talking to you. I'm talking to you because we seem to be in similar shit.

I try to combat my negative thoughts. I try to mentally stop myself from having them, because they are irrational. Would you agree or not? That self-hate is irrational.

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Nice to see you again Dan and Nick. Hope you both are having a good day.

>>38039586
I don't really have any opinion of you. I don't like to judge people since I consider others to be better than me.
It seems rational to me. It seems to me as the reason people don't like me are the various faults I'm finding with myself

>>38039627
Honestly I'm feeling great. I'd even go as far as to say that this is the happiest I have been while sober in a few months. Of course to get to this point I had to argue and insult people here yesterday ... for which I am sorry.

By the way have you thought about what I said? That we have the capacity to be good and if we do decide to do that. To not hurt people. That it's much more genuine?

>>38039660
Everyone has faults. But you don't see everyone being depressed and self-hating. What faults do you mean exactly? Other than your self hate.

Is anyone here a legitimate psychologist?

>>38039672
I did indeed and have to agree with you. Through the genuine nature of what we do, we perhaps have more value than I previously thought. In a world where most people will talk behind your back or seek to manipulate you, pure honesty and simple motivations instead of it coming from a "higher power" could be quite good.

Of course, it is a matter of finding the right people Dan. Most people don't appreciate honesty from what I have seen. It makes it so I have no reason to not tell the truth when a girl asks if a dress makes her look fat, which my father said was incorrect on the basis that nobody wants to hear the truth. Ergo, it is hard to find those appreciative of your values, but is possible. In any event, I feel better about myself than I normally do, I do see some redemption.

>>38039759
Not that I know of. I think of it as group therapy of sorts.

>>38039771
I think in a case like you described, I don't think you necessarily have to be dishonest. I mean sure, she could actually be asking about your opinion. Or she could just be trying to reassure herself.

When I hear such question, I don't focus on the words, on the answer. I focus on the context of the question. Thus I can usually tell if I should say the "real truth" or if I should say something reassuring. I think of it like a game. She knows what she looks like, she can look in the mirror, but as long as it's not something that makes her look really ridiculous, she maybe just wants to feel appreciated.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into this. As I said I tend to value blending in more to being 100% honest all the time. This comes from the way I've been molded.

>>38038838
No one fancy commenting on this? How is this possible? I shouldn't have to tell you this but I'm extremely interesting.

>>38039701
>>38038598
>>38037733
I'm going for a walk, sitting too long is making my back hurt. I might be back

>>38039922
A big part of the problem, growing up, was that my parents are pretty much polar opposites. What one says yes to, the other will say no. They both have similarities, but one big difference was their opinion on this question. My mother, who I grew up with as my father was working (She later kicked me out of the house and I went to live with my father's parents) always believed in 100% honesty. If you couldn't handle her opinion, tough, grow some balls. She valued honesty over most other values, so that was mostly what was instilled. I can lie as a defense mechanism, I had to do that to hide the fact that she was cheating on my father for a couple years, but I heavily prefer being honest.

>>38039973
Well, I learned from the last thread how bad my opinions can seem to others. It makes me feel more selfish to not respond to everyone here, but I guess that is better than shaking up the entire thread with incorrect assessments.

>>38038838
>The other wouldn't care about winning or losing, just trying to get in digs and dirty moves to cause as much pain as possible.
Oh boy. This is how people often described me when I was fighting someone. Not really caring about pinning the other person down or delivering the finishing blow. Just fighting ferociously without feeling pain, never blocking.

What's that wolf? Is that a person?

>>38039378
How are you going to sustain that life path in the long term though?

>>38039771
>It makes it so I have no reason to not tell the truth when a girl asks if a dress makes her look fat, which my father said was incorrect on the basis that nobody wants to hear the truth.
I think that when a girl asks you that question, she's really fishing for a fun response. It's not an honest question, so no honest answer will be accepted. A very old response married "Red Pill" people used to recommend for this question was something along the lines of "I don't know... I'd have to see you without a dress to compare", said with a horny devil's smile.

>>38040033
I guess that makes us different. I'm more "sleazy" as I would usually go for the answer that makes most sense in the social setting. The one that gives me the most leverage. Because that's the answer that has the smallest risk of being hurt. Of course sometimes it's a person I don't give a shit about or have no use for, then I will be honest sometimes just out of spite to hurt them. Why not.

I guess it's just that our priorities are different.

>>38040059
Feel free not to comment, but there's no shame in missing the mark.

>>38040074
It's DID stuff. But yeah that's not quite it; there's no ferocity to that one, just spite and sadism.

>>38040075
I wonder if she would despise me if I said "Dresses can't have fat. Now you have fat, that is of course on top of the meat and bones. Be happy, you will survive the winter. "

>>38040163
There is shame when the person lacks empathy and will say something that makes you feel worse. Apparently I said some things that gave that impression last thread, though I must admit to being ignorant of what was offensive.

>>38040144
I would say so anon. I think I have gotten to the point where I feel people will inevitably leave me. I warn them, tell them I will hurt them and that they should find a better friend, but usually people need to see how bad I am to realize. So I do everything I can do to tell them to either accept me unconditionally or go elsewhere, one thing I cannot do is change in any way to simply appease another. Plus, if I was to do such a change, the person would walk out on me anyway because people are so fickle. They will play a game one week, then say they are bored of it the next. It is very rare to find someone who wants to stay.

>>38040172
It sounds like you're calling her fat, which is the worst possible response, so I wouldn't really recommend it. At least when you respond with "you don't look fat in it", they just think you're boring.

>>38040268
Hmm, I see. But she has fat on her bones. She should learn to be less ignorant about her own body. A lack of intellect can make for a very depressing relationship.

Perhaps the best course is to say "Perhaps we should go through my entire drawer and you can tell me what looks too big on me. Either that or get a mirror that tells you what you want to hear."

>>38040258
Reading your post makes me realize you are probably much better person than me. Sometimes I don't try to drive people away. Quite the contrary, I lure them in by telling them what they want to hear and playing the role they think I should be playing and then sometime down the road I get bored of it and start treating them honestly. Then they cut contact or I do. I must have gone through half a dozen groups of friends IRL. And many more online. Some people are surprisingly enough sticking with me even though I got bored of them and am now being honest.

I kinda enjoy it. Every person is like a new riddle to crack. To find out what they want to hear, adjust my behavior to fit their expectations and when we get along, I move on and find new people. Problem is this isn't really sustainable long-term. But yeah compared to you I'm a fucking cunt.

>>38040388
Elementary school I was heavily unpopular, though in the early stages I can't remember much, while middle school I was home schooled. High school was a weird experiment, freshman year I was seen as that quirky kid who would do anything and everyone loved for that. As a freshman I was one of the most popular kids in the school, the seniors who normally despised freshman loved me. But the problem was when it crashed down, it crashed down hard. People started getting tired of my antics or something, at some point people just started snapping at me and insulting me. The same people praising me started sending me death threats. I became so popular that when people turned to dislike me, I became public enemy #1. They started getting afraid, especially at anything creative I would do, but at the same time would treat me rather snide. People are subtle, they never made it blatantly clear to the teachers how much they hated my guts, so adults thought it was in my head and started to get angry at me for complaining so much when they would demand I work with others. I couldn't miss a day of school because otherwise I would have never gotten the information, the teachers wanted me to get it from the students and the students used it as a power play to not give me anything.

Since high school I have pretty much isolated myself from the world beyond work, I don't even know where people my age go or the motivation for going there, personally I just enjoy my computer and find reality pretty boring. Work relations are decent, but I also keep my distance as I want them to not detect my nature, meaning I work in a mostly isolated environment. I do a similar thing for cashiers at the stores I go to, though it depends on how well I know what I am eating and where it is.

Online is where I have made most of my friends, even in high school I had popularity that first year but nobody would bother hanging outside of school. I socialize through many MMOs.

>>38040662
How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

It's kinda not surprising that you grew up to be this way. But do you see a way out? Or are you content how you are now?

>>38040388
I am terrible at summarizing or writing little. The 2000 character count is quite an obstacle from time to time.

I usually will join a MMO and play it alone for some time before running into some people that embrace me. They make me feel like I am a great person, they enjoy everything about me, and they include me in everything. Usually I end up in a click or group of people, sometimes multiple at once.

The problem simply put is that eventually people get sick of me. "Ghosting", not sure if that is exactly what I experience, but is something I have run into a lot. I have about 10-15 people on Discord, 30+ people on Skype, 35 on one MMO, nearly a hundred on another... but the problem is that for all these friends, only one bothers with me currently, a friend I met just a month ago. Most have distanced themselves, forgotten about me due to their fickle nature, or whatever else it may be. In any event, my friends were usually people I would have around for more than a month and treated me special, but then just... faded. I have referred to this phenomenon as a curse and try to warn others of this happening. I try to not accept gifts from friends to ensure the hurt is minimal when they go, which I expect them all to do in time.

Mine could be long term, there are always new people, but it would be nice to have someone care about you months down the road and still treat you like you matter. I honestly don't know what is the real factor that causes the distance, I know I am a mess with various issues.

There is an exception, some people on a public forum have tolerated me for years. I assume it is due to the fact that I keep my distance on a public site that isn't anonymous. I rather everything I say not be read by anyone, especially due to my paranoia about my family and what they might say if they knew.

>>38040834
You sound a lot like me from High School forward

>>38040792
I am still relatively young. 22.

I am content with myself to an extent. There are some issues, some demons, I would like to somehow get rid of. But my creativity, my passion, my freedom... those I want to stay. To lose those is essentially losing my mind, my identity.

A way out? Not really, it is more of a cycle that seems doomed to repeat itself endlessly. I have accepted the fact I will die alone, though I am unhappy with this due to the concept of death and the concept of not having someone willing to let me control them, to give me the power, to treat me seriously. I am glad I don't succumb to peer pressure, I would need to cause violence just to prove myself to others. Then again, I probably would mess that up, I am pretty incompetent.

I guess the objective would be to find someone in reality who would give me unconditional love. The internet is nice, but you cannot touch or feel. The control would feel false as they could always log out. If I could get a submissive that worshiped the ground under me, it would be quite nice. Though the biggest problem facing me is the lack of acceptance from others and the general control society has over me. I cannot flop on the ground, for doing that will get me fired or get noise complaints. If I could have anything, it would be a world without consequences. I don't care if you judge me negatively, I care when that judgement is from someone with the power to inhibit, which feels like everyone. I always seem to end up on the bottom tier for control.

>>38040662
>>38040834
>>38041019
Your descriptions are quite interesting. Though I can't help but think that there is something else in between the lines. Something that drives you and me to be like this. I think it's trust issues.

You want complete control, someone worshiping the ground you walk and unconditional love. These aren't very, let's say realistic demands. You're quite unlikely to get this. Yet you want it. Have you ever thought why you want it?

>>38040916
Perhaps anon. I see you are a hardcore pessmist that loves to beat himself up. That describes me pretty well actually. I guess the main difference is that I don't really care about the opinions of others, just their hindrances. I don't really want acceptance from the majority, mainly because I cannot stand the majority. They crack jokes that sound dull, they act a way that annoys me, and they make noise. I cannot stand people talking or whistling for too long, I can't stand many noises, and have mental breakdowns. I would love to make it more visible, but I am afraid of someone seeing me and me getting fired for not being able to cope in society. One big difference between me and a regular psychopath, I don't think myself better than others, I think everyone else as more competent than me.

I hate myself, but I also am not a big fan of society in general. I just want someone to control, which means unconditional love to give it. Friends can also be entertaining if we click, though if we don't click I will doubt the friendship, which perhaps makes it fail even more.

>>38041277
I've gotten to the point where things like whistling and idle chatter piss me off

I don't want anyone to control or anything like that, because other people are worth more than I am. And I like to keep myself distant from people because it makes it easier when they eventually leave

>>38041199
Perhaps you are right anon. I cannot trust. I feel people are likely to hurt me. I want to believe in people being better than that, but there is always a hint of doubt. It sounds impractical for them to not betray me based on all those that have left me in the past.

No, they aren't realistic, as I said I am dying alone. Think of it more of a fantasy, an ideal. As I believe I said, the reason I do this is because it is proof that I matter, proof that the other person will do literally anything for me. Proof I made an impact on their life, proof they care about my every feeling. I want to feel like I matter, that whatever I do can be accepted and not hindered, but instead... supported. I want someone who wishes for me to be who I am, proves they love it, and wish me to do more. It also goes back to trust, it is the only way they can prove without a reasonable doubt in my mind that they put their faith in me and consider me important enough. It isn't something people normally do, so it must be because they find me important.

>>38041377
Oh yes, I can't stand people. I don't judge people, they can do what they want, but I just get annoyed if they are noises involved without me causing them. The only talking I like is when someone is talking to me.

I am not worth much. The only thing I have going for me is honesty which Dan brought out, but most don't appreciate that. It is more someone willingly getting rid of their worth and feeling I have worth, entirely for my benefit. The ultimate sacrifice. I have fantasies of someone like that committing suicide to prove how much I mean to them, that they will willingly kill themselves for my benefit. The problem then is that you are left without a worshiper.

>>38041467
I don't even like that. I don't like having people talk to me, because they then expect me to talk to them

>>38041406
>As I believe I said, the reason I do this is because it is proof that I matter
I think this is the kernel of truth. What if I told that you can "matter" even without these, I'm gonna say it. These ridiculous fantasies? Aren't you just using these to justify inactivity? I know I tend to do that. To set up an unattainable goal (in my case be born tall, attractive and wealthy) so I feel better about not getting the things I can attain. In your case, self-esteem. Which might as well be called "feeling that you matter".

I'm not saying that you're just an edgy teen. You are broken. No question there. But you can fix yourself. You can feel like you matter even without controlling others. It can be something YOU choose to do. Which makes it ever more valuable.

If Nick was ITT, he would say
>You just need to love yourself

>>38040388
>Sometimes I don't try to drive people away. Quite the contrary, I lure them in by telling them what they want to hear and playing the role they think I should be playing and then sometime down the road I get bored of it and start treating them honestly
I feel like whenever I meet someone who seems bent on trying to say what I want to hear, they do come off as phony in their tone and body language.

I've had very long-term issues making friends. Even in pre-school the teachers were concerned about how I'd just sit by a wall instead of joining the rest and playing with them lel.

I don't really know what my problem really is. I seem to be much better at being social now, but I seem to be lacking the energy and interest in getting to meet with friends, and so maintain those relationships. I have zero friends.

Obviously I'm also a virgin at 25. I wouldn't mind having sex with a girl but just thinking of the effort I'll have to make to get there makes me feel lazy and like it's not worth it. And escorts seem to be expensive, to likely be carrying an STD, and to be illegal, so it's risky.

>>38041681
>I feel like whenever I meet someone who seems bent on trying to say what I want to hear, they do come off as phony in their tone and body language.
Yeah I think some people can see through it. I also think many can't. I mean I had quite a good feedback while growing up. When I told people what they wanted to hear, I was okay. When I didn't, I'd get beaten up. So I think I learned pretty well.

If you're not interested in friends and feel like women are too much effort, there is nothing wrong with that. Honestly. However people often tell themselves these things even though they're not true. Once again, out of fear and to justify inactivity. And when I said "people tell" I meant myself for example. Not anymore though.

So I guess in the end all you have to do is be honest. With yourself.

>>38041494
Oh, I can easily talk to people. My problem is that get me talking about something I am interested in, I won't shut up. Basic communication I struggle with, I am not sure where to go after "Hi, how are you?" as the only reason for asking that was to find out something about the other person.

>>38041521
Yeah, I think a lot of my problems can be related to my self-confidence issue. A psychopath with OCD tendencies who self-loathes.

Edgy teens are drawn to my negative views, but the problem is that I can see they don't genuinely believe what they say. They will say things like "I hate people, people are garbage" and then talk about how they are afraid of not having anyone to go to prom with. I was happy to avoid prom as I found it a dull social event, I went to a Rammstein concert and had a lot more fun than I would have in a tuxedo.

I guess my problem is that I just see so many flaws with myself. I see so many weaknesses. My father gets his mail sent to my address as he doesn't like people knowing where he lives and we have the same name, so when I carpool I give him his mail. The problem is that holding three envelopes while waiting for ten minutes is a challenge, it hurt my arm. My father pretty much said "are you serious?" and told me about how he has two injured feet and still manages by just fine. That is a big problem, every one of my struggles is compared to a much bigger problem and said why I should not care or be happy. It makes me feel worse to struggle on things literally everyone else in the world can do for that makes me feel all the more incompetent.

Nick are you still around?

>>38041793
>I went to a Rammstein concert and had a lot more fun than I would have in a tuxedo.
Fuck YEAH! Old Rammstein albums are the shit. I always liked "Stirb nicht vor mir". It was so much different than their other songs.

>They will say things like "I hate people, people are garbage" and then talk about how they are afraid of not having anyone to go to prom with.
Exactly. You really hate people.

>It makes me feel worse to struggle on things literally everyone else in the world can do for that makes me feel all the more incompetent.
It's not really a problem to struggle at things that most people can do. Only problem is not improving. Seeing other people tackling bigger problems than you shouldn't discourage you. It should encourage you, because if you put your effort into it, you will see HUGE improvement in short time.

>I guess my problem is that I just see so many flaws with myself. I see so many weaknesses.
As I said ITT. Everyone has weaknesses. This is no justification for inactivity and self-hate.

>>38040075

>How are you going to sustain that life path in the long term though?

i have a trustfund with enough to comfortably last my entire life, money is no issue.

i'd appreciate any actual answers to the question, if there are any (there may well not be) i've asked it in a couple of these threads now without result.

>>38041785
>If you're not interested in friends and feel like women are too much effort, there is nothing wrong with that. Honestly.
However, it's easier to find a job when you have friends. Also, at a previous job, I'm not sure if my laziness to make things happen after work made others wary of me, and they would not invite me to things they did together, even when they just went to some restaurant to eat food. Yes, it's all about inactivity, because inactivity feels much more comfy and ultimately better than doing things, which is what I call laziness.

>>38041997
>Yes, it's all about inactivity, because inactivity feels much more comfy and ultimately better than doing things, which is what I call laziness.
Is it really ultimately better for you? Honestly. Or is it a justification?

I'm really curious, because for me it was mostly just a justification not to leave my comfort zone.

>>38041921
Well, I'm on your same boat, thinking relativism is true. It's hard for me to judge if you've got money and you want to "waste your life", as normies say, living as cheap as you want while consuming media.

Do you really have no hobbies you care about though, through which you could help other humans to reach their goals, however "useless" they might seem to the economy?

>>38041905
>Stirb Nicht Vor Mir
Amazing, your favorite song is off Rosenrot. That is hands down my favorite Rammstein album, I always loved Wo Bist Du. Spring, Hilf Mir, Zerstoren... so many good ones. Off Rostenrot, the best for me is hands down Nebel. I love melodic songs and Rammstein has some of the most melodic songs out here.

Saying all that, Stirb Nicht Vor Mir is the one song off Rosenrot I never really got into. The female's vocals were good, but I never liked how Til sang the chorus.

>You really hate people
I am not sure if is that simple. I can't stand most people, but I don't believe I hate people. I hate society for their treatment of me. Individuals that prove themselves different, I enjoy, and I prefer companionship to none.

>Problems struggling
Well, that is the thing. Growing up, any struggles was pure grounds for how I was retarded and should be put in an asylum. My parents used that like some use the boogieman, the difference being that mine is real. People do get locked up. Nobody wants you if you cannot handle the basic tasks. After 22 years of doing stuff wrongly, you don't just start doing them right, you need to learn how to do them right. My parents weren't the type to teach, they would show you once and expect you to get it. If you didn't, it was because you were retarded and they would stop trying. Cannot ride a bike after my mother showed me how to do it? She will take me home in frustration. Cannot swim after my father showed me how to do it? My father will say just to play in the shallow end and that he is done. I don't learn by seeing, I am not sure what I am supposed to be watching for, so people showing me things is useless. Yet that is what everyone does.

>Weaknesses
My problem is that I have next to no strengths. Yes, honesty, but honesty causes more harm than good. Everything about me is a negative trait.

>>38042019
Ultimately? Ultimately I don't think it really matters what I do. Relativism. It's just that getting a job and keeping a good ambient in the job would be easier if I had the energy and interest in making friends and alliances.

I know people near where I live that I could talk to more and that I wouldn't even be leaving my comfort zone with when doing it. They seem nice enough and we have common interests. I still can't get my ass moving though.

>>38042094
>That is hands down my favorite Rammstein album
It's the most "emotional" one in my opinion. The "warmest" one in a way. Their albums definitely have a feel. Rosenrot is warm and sticky. Mutter is cold and bitter. Reise Reise is very energetic and intensive.

>Individuals that prove themselves different, I enjoy, and I prefer companionship to none.
That's definitely good. More than I can do.

Your parents did a job on you that's for sure. But you shouldn't judge yourself by how they judged you. Their treatment was not healthy, hell I would even say not sane. And this is not a measure you can use to evaluate yourself. You can not. That's what you're doing. Do you see it?

>>38042158
Why do you think it doesn't matter what you do?

>>38042222
>Rammstein
Exactly.I absolutely loved the powerful emotions surging out of Rosenrot. Libre Ist Fur Alle Dah isn't bad by any means, but Rosenrot transcended to another plane. Reise Reise was never really my favorite of albums, I liked Mein Teil, but just never liked the styling of that album in general. Energetic and intensive describes their first album, Reise Reise just felt dull. Mutter on the other hand is great, it is indeed gloomy and depressing. The emotions are probably the most important thing to me musically, I prefer a much more melodic composition as opposed to something just trying to be "brutal" for the sake of it. Brutality can work, but it has its place and shouldn't exist just because it can.

>More than I can do
Surprising. I figured that is why we were on 4chan, because we found more companionship here than elsewhere. A big part of my problem is my OCD tendencies result in most of my interests not matching up at all with what the normal individual is aware of.

Once upon a time, I tried 7 Cups. I talked about my OCD. The people there were more normal and couldn't understand me at all, they just ended up feeling bad as they could help in no way. It would be nice indeed to fix it, but I have lost faith at this point, so I just accept it. People offer a good distraction so I don't make myself too miserable from my own OCD.

Nick was trying to convince me my parents weren't healthy yesterday, but I still doubt. They may be impatient, but they meant well. If they didn't, they wouldn't have bought me everything I wanted. They wouldn't take me to a Rammstein concert. That shows they loved me heavily. They just didn't want to waste their life on someone who couldn't learn due to being incompetent.

>>38042462
>They may be impatient, but they meant well. If they didn't, they wouldn't have bought me everything I wanted.
One could argue that this is actually the opposite of meaning well. Sometimes loving someone and at the same time doing something that will not be good for them can happen.

>They just didn't want to waste their life on someone who couldn't learn due to being incompetent.
That's just wrong. The shit you described is obviously unhealthy. Don't you see it? If your mother showed you how she is playing violin and then expected you to play it flawlessly, would you think that's reasonable?

>>38042537
>Can happen
Perhaps anon. My parents weren't perfect. It just bugs me to blame them for my problems. I should blame myself for my problems.

>Showed you to play violin and expected you to play it flawlessly, would it think that's unreasonable?
Not really anon. Any average person could watch what the person playing the violin was doing if they were interested and pick it up. This is where I am retarded and incompetent. I cannot just pick it up.

>>38042593
Your problem is your self-esteem first and foremost. They are largely to blame for this. Still it's gonna have to be you who works to change it. But if you realize they are to blame for your image of yourself, it will help you realize that you're not in fact seeing straight. That your image of yourself is not based on the truth. That is your problem. And they are to blame for it. After you realize this, you will also realize that your "weaknesses" aren't really that important.

>Any average person could watch what the person playing the violin was doing if they were interested and pick it up. This is where I am retarded and incompetent. I cannot just pick it up.
Are you serious? How long would it take someone to learn to play the violin just by looking? Is that even at all possible? You don't get motor skills by looking. You just don't. Little kids learn languages by listening and what else? Speaking. Mimicking. What your parents did is the equivalent of sewing a babies mouth shut, speaking to them and them being surprised that the baby didn't learn to speak.

>>38042668
My parents would always say that they gave me the freedom of choice and I had the ability to make my own decisions, healthy or unhealthy, and that nothing can be blamed on them. They never had a child before, they learned through me, and they did the best anyone could given the circumstances.

Exactly what I meant anon, you learn through mimicking. I couldn't mimic the circumstances. That was my own shortcoming, my own fault, and thus what puts me at a disadvantage to the rest of society. I am mentally retarded that I don't grasp things as fast as others when I should be able to pick it right up.

>>38042756
>Exactly what I meant anon, you learn through mimicking. I couldn't mimic the circumstances.
Well yeah, but don't you see how wrong that is? Even a baby when it's mimicking makes mistakes. Can't speak properly, but learns how to do it through repetition. Let's say I had a baby (I know, wild!). And I said "Honorificabilitudinitatibus" to the baby expecting it to mimic it correctly the first time.

Do you know anyone who was able to ride a bike or swim INSTANTLY after trying for the very first time? Do you know a single person who could do that? I don't.

Why is it so difficult for you to accept that you are not as weak as you think?

Back and bumping.

Not sure if this woman is going to be able to commit to me, but I'm hopeful.
Even if she doesn't, I'll be fine. I just hope she will be as well.

She has a career ahead of her, and I believe she sees me as holding her from that. It's a shame that we live in such a world where success is seen at that cost. But I have a career staring me in the face too, and I think it's time I went back to school for it.

Reading through the thread.

>>38042244
Because relativism. Because the thought that something matters is subjective. Thoughts only exist inside people's brains. Because, while your actions have consequences in the universe like a wave expanding on the surface of water, all your actions are to be quickly forgotten in the sea of other people's waves. Whatever actions you make, they will be quickly forgotten in people's collective memory.

This is not to say I'm a man with no values, but I recognize the values I have are man-made and mostly passed onto me by others, although some of them might derive from my biology, or might be made up by me. I try to be nice enough, I try to live within the parameters of the de facto (not de jure) rules of society doing what I want while not harming others.

>>38042854
Maybe because I cannot even do basic things like hold three envelopes without it feeling like a difficult task? As I said, it hurt my arm to hold those up, that was a challenging task. It was three pieces of paper.

>>38042898
What do you mean hold those up? Because it's normal for your arms to hurt for example you point them horizontally in front of yourself and keep them like that for 10 minutes. Describe the physical movement. What exactly made you hurt.

>>38042894
Okay in that case, don't talk to anyone. If you really don't want to. It's your choice.

>>38042959
I was standing there with them resting in one hand at a slight bend. I had to learn forward to see over the rows of junk to see the cars outside, but had to duck down due to the light fixture being too low above my head. After about ten minutes, I went outside, where I noticed I felt that these envelopes had tired my hand and I wished to put them down.

I could be a Chad and hang out with friends but every time I do so, I don't feel like talking to people. I don't even like playing video games with them and resort to playing by myself

>>38043015
You're simply looking for weaknesses where there are none. You're overexaggerating . Not to mention that even your feelings come into play here. Often many pains that are inexplicable can in fact be explained by psychological distress.

You are not weak! You feel weak. And these feelings help you find false proof to reinforce these untrue feelings.

>>38043070
I sure don't feel like I am exaggerating. I feel like these limitations keep coming up. It took a month at my job for them to teach me how to unlock the door, now someone is usually here before me and thus I don't even know if I learned the ability to unlock the door or not. This is a simple door and yet it took a month of constant explanation to get me to understand, before I would just throw myself against it or throw out my back trying to force it open, fighting until someone came along, usually from the force of me attacking the door and nearly breaking it. This isn't sane.

>>38043165
What kind of door is that?

Also do you have some medical condition that causes muscle fatique or something?

Is it wrong that I still miss my old online friends even though they stopped socializing with me / hate me? Reason things fell apart is cause I confronted them about them not including me in games and watch movies with them to the point where they made a separate chat without me. At first I thought it was a temporary thing and thought that hey maybe they wanna do stuff in a smaller setting. But months past and it got worse to the point where I felt completely isolated and alone. When I confronted some of them about it they said I was being selfish and clingy and had to get over it. Eventually one of them even said they never really saw me as a close friend even though we knew each other and talked for 5 years. Ever since they unfriended me and left me alone I felt like I've lost the motivation to socialize again with new people. Hell I still want to talk to them again and see if things can be mended. I've been feeling like this for months too (almost half a year). No ones pmed me from the old group about how I've been either. How do I overcome feeling isolated and missing them too. And is it worth reaching out to them even now when I still miss them?

Hello everyone.

How are you guys today?

I went to my friends house again for a few beers.
It's strange, hes a Chad and kind of an asshole to lots of people but we always have the best talks just together.
I can talk about my problems, about girls and how I try to sort my shit out and listens
There isnt even any reason for him to be friend with me, he has nothing to gain...
People are strange

>>38043307
>People are strange
When you're a strangeer ...

Just had to.

>>38043272
Selfish and clingy?
How did you know these people?

>>38043307
Chads are just like us but with strong personas. I actually get along with just about every normie really well when I'm respecting this fact. If you challenge it in public, a lot of them get terrified and be what people on this board think they are.

>>38043341
Took me way too long to get this

>>38043379
I dont know if just like us, everything depends on the person, everyone is different

>>38043379
They're just friends I've known online for few years. I just feel like I haven't been myself since, like I don't trust myself anymore if I'm even worth having a friend anymore. What's even sadder is that I miss them a lot even though I know they've all moved on, it hurts.

sup all.

real interesting thread last night. it's gotten me thinking today. i might have mixed up my definitions when it comes to psychopathy and emotions and such.

i have never seriously considered myself a psychopath, and i've seriously considered myself to have perhaps hundreds of physical and mental illnesses. but i realized never once i my life have i felt sorry for someone else. so maybe im much more messed up than i thought. i have no problems realizing that someone is hurting or that something might hurt someone. but when someone else is actually in distress im mostly just glad it didnt happen to me, or scared that it might happen to me aswell. if i hear about something or the news or such i might laugh at how stupid the people were to get themselves in to that situation.

i've been rationalizing this saying not feeling for someone else is a way to protect and hide my own emotions, or just an effect of not being in touch with my own feelings. but perhaps im wrong?
maybe im a psychopath aswell?

Back. Going to work my way down from where I left.

>>38038874
>Fortunately, I don't have to deal with people much.

A job where you have to interact with people would be perfect for you.

>>38039177

Are you still around?

>>38038840
>The thread will survive until I come back.
possibly not

>>38043578
You may just have shut down your emotions. It can seem a lot like psychopathy, because it essentially is. Are you cringy toward romantic/emotional movies?
Psychopaths simply don't feel these things. If you feel avoidant or cringy, that's something else.

>>38043578
My other question is do you do any drugs and how often?

>>38041521
>If Nick was ITT, he would say
>>You just need to love yourself

Yep, that's where it starts.

>>38041844

I am now. You?

>>38042511
>Nick was trying to convince me my parents weren't healthy yesterday, but I still doubt.

The elements you gave me were very clear. They physically abused you, broke your toys, etc, nothing that healthy parents do to educate and raise their kids. You just don't realise how abnormal it is yet, but if I asked you to make a list, it'd be quite shocking I have no doubt. You weren't allowed to be sad, for one.

>>38042537
>If they didn't, they wouldn't have bought me everything I wanted.

Actually, wrong. It sounds like they were trying to buy your approval, make you feel like you owed them. That's no love, anon. That's trading. You can't trade love. If they had loved you correctly, you wouldn't find yourself trying to see their love in secondary things like this, you'd just know they loved you.

>>38043709
>>38043731
i usually dont cringe from romantic things, on the contrary i can enjoy it. though in movies where people are about to fuck up, possibly making fools out of themselves, i can feel something like a cringe. like i dont wanna watch.

i've never done any drugs. i hardly even drink.

>>38043705

Well, I'm back, and it survived, so yes.

>>38043846
How is your memory of events? Not functional or factual memory, but memory of events that have happened.

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Well... Thats about it

Gotta go to sleep, good night everyone, those two posts were sure worth it

>>38043997

Are you OK? Don't leave like this if you aren't.

I've been feeling depressed for the past year and a half and recently in the last few months things have been a little bit worse for some reason i am easily startled by random stuff

>>38044012
Im not sure if I ever was anymore

>>38043997
I apologize, Atlas. I'm not in the best of positions today, as tomorrow is when the fun begins. Dear god it begins.

I hope you sleep well.

>>38043919
im not sure how to answer that. i feel like i have a pretty good memory in general.

what's the difference between functional memory and memory of events?

i remember stuff that i read the same way i remember stuff that i experience. in my mind there's no difference.

>>38044033

Unless you have to get up early tomorrow, stick around. I too can make jokes about your weight, if you want.

>>38043872
Took a quick nap?

>>38043997
night Atlas
have some originalos

>>38044071

I went to a restaurant with a friend.

>>38044061
Well I should get up early
Theres not much to talk about anymore
Dont know why but I almost started crying when you asked if Im ok
I dont know... Maybe we can talk tomorrow

>>38044041
Dont worry about it buddy

>>38044075
Good night York

>>38044054
Don't stress on it too much if your recall of events is OK.
How does life feel to you? Do you feel like things have gotten a bit foggy?

>>38044164
>Dont know why but I almost started crying when you asked if Im ok

We can talk tomorrow. Don't hesitate to write if you need to. I'll always read.

[email protected]

Take care and sleep well!

>>38044189
Thanks
Good night Nick

I finally have comfy home but, feel trapped in my own fear to make my life something more. All my ideas seem to ridiculous to follow. I feel like I'm slowly drifting away from everything too. The only thing that keeps me a little grounded in reality is my partner. He has given up on my so much that all he wishes for me to be happy. How can I be happy when every thing seem so meaningless to me. Am I just scared to take action?
On one hand; I want to learn about the human mind and help build AI on the the other hand; I just want to slowly build on my trade because, I feel to old and stupid to actual do something amazing with my life. I'm a dear frozen in the head lights. Do I really want to have a baby one day? If I do why don't I have the motivation to build a life for my future baby at the very least.
I'm all alone. I have no friends to share these feeling with. No friends for me share my ideas with. Just these place I run to.

>>38044252

Questions:

- do you have a partner, if yes, why do you feel alone?

- how old are you?

It seems you have some depression, which explains the lack of motivation and the rest.

Can you speak freely to your partner?

>>38044177
that's another question that's hard for me to answer, please ask again if my answers doesnt make sense.

i feel like i've never truly been in a good place mental health-wise. my memories fade and get foggy with time, but i feel like it's simply normal to forget more and more of things as the years pass.
during periods of my life when i did little more than eat and watch youtube i dont have much clarity, i believe simply because i never did anything to remember.
i also remember periods where the world looked visually strange. there was no hallucinations or distortions, i just thought it was strange. perhaps it was foggy? either ways last time that happened was several years ago

>>38044364

Read about derealisation. Sometimes it's such a small bit of it that you don't quite notice it, but it's there.

What you say of reality looking different falls right into it.

>>38044304
>I feel like I cling to much on my partner for everything I need. I know to have a healthy relationship that I need friends because, it is to much for him to rely on him soly. You strive better when you have healthy friendships with your partner but, I not very good at friendship. I just moved to a new town, I don't drive, and felt I did better in life when I had friends. Even though in the past I only really had one or two friends. I wish my partner was the only person I needed but, in actuality I need more social contact. I'm 30.

>>38044544

It's good to have a circle of friends. Relying solely on your partner can backfire violently. Everyone needs friends. Make some.

>>38043680
I think just the opposite

>>38044570
Have you missed my comments?

>>38044410
derealisation makes sense. especially considering it happened at the end of my bachelors degree while i was trying to avoid a whole lot of things.

>>38044570
How do do make friends when your a 30 year neet who doesn't drive? Finding people who have the same interest as me been difficult.

So, I haven't read through the thread, so I'm not sure if you're still accepting new questions or whatever, and I'm not sure if I can explain this very well (I'm not sure what I want even) but I figure it's worth a shot.

So I have a friend. A very, extremely good friend. We met around Christmas and I, I was shocked when I met her at first. Because I never, I've never LIKED someone that much before. I can trust her, I can trust her with everything. And I don't have much of a life, so she's sort of become my life. But Imet her through other friends that go to a different school, so I don't get to se her often. I would even reckon I'm a bit emotionally dependent on her, though I haven't told her that.

But then I did something extremely stupid. I told someone else about a secret she had told me. AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I DID IT. I can't lie to her of course, so as soon as I realised what I'd done, I told her. And she got, very upset, and couldn't trust me for a while. She eventually forgave me, but, she doesn't want to see me. "I do, just not yet" she says, but I'm not so sure about that.

I, I truly hate myself for what I've done, and I'm panicking slightly. Because if she doesn't want to see me ever again I really don't know what I'd do, and that scares me. She really is all I care about, I've never felt happiness from some sort of hobby, and only (very) limited happinss from other friends

I'm not sure what expecting from this. I have a feeling I'm not being helpful at all. I'm sorry. I just, I don't know, want someone to tell me it'll be alright I guess.

>>38044593

Practicing being around people does help in the long run.

>>38044605

I read everything very quickly, diagonally, and I wasn't sure you were still around.

Any posts in particular I should read?

>>38044734

Join clubs. Check out ads to do things together. Go to events.

>>38044878
I worked a job in retail for 5 years

>>38044748

Why did you break her trust? Dig there, find some kind of answer.

>>38044748
I personally don't think you have anything to fear about your friend except for the feelings you have for her might end your friendship.

>>38044748
did you have a life before you met her? if so why did you give up on that?

you will be alright, but maybe not in the way you're hoping for right now

>>38044878
The long post about therapy.

I always manage to have a gf but no friends, always. Everytime I used to broke up with someone I always find a group of girls and start talking and somehow after some weeks I was dating one of them.

That was around highschool and uni. But then i found my gf, she was with me around 3-4 years, and she broke up with me. And as I said, I have no friends, I have a job but in my job everybody is around 40 and im 2 and thats all my "social circle". Im alone, I feel like shit because I lost her and now have nothing.

How do i get friends? I have baraly time to do anything.

>>38044878
I wish it was that easy Nick. I've made a club but, after awhile people drifted away from it.

>>38044878
Hey Nick glad this thread's still up. Actually had a question for you, if you've got the time today. So I've been making progress towards moving out and making a livable income, and the boss has confirmed that I'll have the guy's spot who just quit as soon as they train me up. But why do I still feel like such a worthless failure who isn't even worth the bullet to kill myself? Is this something that is simply a part of depression or is there more to it?

Any chance of getting a reply back?

>>38044906
See I, I had no reason to. None at all. I didn't think. I didn't think about the consequences. And that just makes everything worse. I just, for a minute, DIDN'T THINK. I very nearly, possibly still completely, ruined everything I care about, because I was careless. I hate myself for it, and I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself.

>>38044914
I would't be so sure.

>>38044927
No, I realise now, I really didn't. That's the thing, she's the first person, the first thing, I've really truly cared about. And I don't want to lose her. I've thrown up at that thought before.

>>38044953

On it.

>>38044975

Don't make a club, join some.

>235 replies
>28 posters
wew lad

>>38038838
>EMDR

I wonder what you think of it. Sounds dodgy to me.

Interesting session. Do the others lash out at your therapist as much as they did me?

>>38045164

>OH MY GOD, PEOPLE POST A LOT IN THIS THREAD, WE MUST... WE MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Pour yourself a glass of cold water and rest your dick in it. Then rethink your life because you need to reassess your priorities. When inexistent board rules are that important to you, it's time to stop.

>>38045107
How do you think she would feel if you told her that you thrown up at the thought of losing her? I sounds like that there are some deeper issues why you feel so emotional about your friendship with her.

>>38045214
>238 replies
>29 posters
wew lad

>>38045107
in my opinion it is very unhealthy for everyone involved to hang up ones life on another person. use this space she's forcing on you for your own sake. and by extention both your sakes.
figure out what the relationship you got means and why that is so.
also think of her a proof that you have the capacity to get a life, she is not the only possible way.


im gonna sleep now

>>38045256
>wew lad

Wow load.

>>38045333
>242 replies
>still 29 posters
wew ladie lad

>>38045188
They haven't really had the chance yet, but essentially yes. As to the EMDR I've yet to see the exact purpose of that aspect, but as an eyes-open meditation exercise it's just fine.

>>38045371
>wew ladie lad

Wuw loadie lordie.

>>38045412
>245 replies
>29 yet again
color me surprised

>>38045251
I've told her, some of it, although I'm wary about discussing such things with her, I don't want to make her uncomfortable. She's been very graceful about the things I've said, but I'm unsure if she really gets how important she is to me.

>>38045269
I, I guess... I'm sorry, I'm getting a bit distressed, I'm not thinking clearly. Goodnight York.

>>38038838
I am currently going through EMDR therapy too for C PTS D. The things that blocks me from reliving my horrible memories is a dragon or my dead cat. What helps me to re-experience the repressed traumatic memory is beginning my session feeling safe. The other thing that helps is thanking the "dragon"(inner self) and "dead cat" ( disassociation) for protecting myself as a child that cannot protect oneself and telling them that I needed to feel the pain the repressed memory to confront my fears.
Other then that I been struggle with know flashbacks.

epic datamining thread, my fellow redditors

>>38045529
Ah, interesting. This dragon/ dead cat stuff is foreign to me, but there was something in the space of which I'm yet to discern the meaning: namely, an ornate, bejewelled dragonfly hanging from the wall by black chain. He said it could mean whatever you want it to, but I've no idea.

How is the repressed memory stuff once you get right into it? Must be tough, right? Do you ever wonder whether the memories might be false?

>>38045465
>color me surprised

Surprise my colours.

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Hey Atlas! You're such a fat man, they should have dropped you on Hiroshima!

Falling asleep. See ya all!

>>38045613
>252 replies
>finally 30 posters
colorized surprise engaged

>>38045580
One of my repressed memories is sitting on the bath filled with bleach. I could remember the burning in my throught and the burning of my skin felt so real. I'm almost over the memory but, it hasn't been easy.
Maybe that's why I'm so clingy to my partern and been having trouble socializing.
I hope you have a safe place to retreat too after sessions and have anyone to support you.

>>38045829
Trust me you can tell the real memories from fakes. You body never forgets the pain.

>>38045829
>>38045854
Thank you for these answers. I wonder what, if anything, will be uncovered. Somehow I suspect not, but then that could just mean a greater surprise. I have a mental safe place. As for a real one, I dunno. I don't think so. The shower maybe. I do have support though, thanks.

>>38043254
Sorry, got pulled away for a bit.

I don't know door types. Never really been a field of interest.

No, I am physically healthy as well as I am aware.

>>38043802
They didn't physically abuse me, not that I am aware of. The toy breaking was an isolated incident because the toy was making too much noise and I wouldn't stop playing with it.

>>38043821
Well, why would they have brought me to a Rammstein concert if they didn't love me? Why would my father bother carpooling me to work?

>>38045938
I think the safest place to being able to be safe within your own mind. I went from hidding under my partners desk( tfw your to big to hide under bed) to underneath blankets. I'm still have trouble feeling safe.

>>38046055
You don't have to be physically abused to be abused. I feel like be emotionally abused is worst then the physical pain.

>>38046203
That is the thing, I am unsure they emotionally abused me. I think everyone is seeing a small select portion of my life and jumping to conclusions on how they raised me.

>>38046149
>I'm still have trouble feeling safe.
I know this feeling well. It was a challenge coming up with a mental space where I felt safe at all, and I'm still not totally sold. I never feel entirely safe.

I think I might try the nofap meme. Also I think I'm close to just barely eating anything to ensure I don't get fat and drop the weight I've put on.

>>38046544
I might as well try the meme with you my dude. Nothing else to do

>>38046371
I don't buy the save place either. I think instead of retrieving to a fantasy world when feeling overwhelmed, unsafe, or anxiou is really helping. I rather be in the Now and rationally work through whatever issue I'm having.

>>38046611
Cool. Hopefully we will both come out better for it

>>38046682
What sucks is, I know the other three alters (facets hence the name) have spaces in which they feel perfectly safe and comfy. It's just me that doesn't. It sucks.

>>38046745
Why haven't you and your therapist tried to integrate you with your alters?

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Today my parents decided to give me an all out "get a fucking job" lecture and i think i over did it while arguing.
It's getting really unbearable i think it's about time i off myself.
I can't find a job even though i tried my hardest and "prayed" for a job, as if that's fucking helping what so ever.

most of my friends will be on their little holiday so they won't have to be bothered for a while.

I'm not sticking around just to get humiliated day by day by my family for something i have no control over.

What's the most efficient and least painful way to offing myself?
I don't have any access to guns or cyanide.
I were thinking of burning myself in my car along with everything i own, that eay i can rest in peace knowing no one is digging through my shit.

>>38046855
That's the end goal of all of this. First, the space thing. Then he's going to 'invite all of them in' using some esoteric means and I'm really pretty nervous about that. Then they will each do the whole EMDR thing iirc, and ultimately it's going to move toward reintegration. The whole thing sounds worrying.

>>38046897
Self immolation is definitely neither painless or efficient

>>38046921
What other choice do i have?
Sky scrapers aren't really available near me, highest building nearby is 5-6 floors max, I don't want to survive just to hear another we made up bullshit about "you made us worried sick", i know for a fact they'd prefer if I died.

>>38046907
They say people with multi-personalities are very smart and EMDR is the fastest way to get over trauma so, I don't think you have much to worry about.
Do you remember being sexual abused?

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>>38035776
Tired all the time
No motivation
Using willpower to get through life, never gets easier
Feel lovelorn
Want to walk into the sea and never come out
Lost 42 people I cared about
What do?

>>38047020
>Do you remember being sexual abused?
I'm sure you ask because it's extremely common in people with my issues. I remember only very small snippets, and parts have come back to me in flashbacks that have really thrown me for a loop. I know it happened, but the abuse itself is something I can't easily picture. I was very young - around the age of seven. Have you had that kind of thing happen, or only through the course of EMDR? Unbidden flashbacks I mean, triggered by something you were unaware of?

any drug users or alcoholics online?

I've been taking mixtures of therepeutic dosages of amphetamine, recreational weed and alcohol the past couple days. haven't had drink in over 24 hours haven't smoked weed 21 hours and still my mind doesn't seem to be working correctly. I feel like my sense of touch is different, and my focus/memory hasn't returned yet. Anyone know if I should see doctor tomorrow?

I can go into more detail about touch - it might be linked to memory, I feel like there's a cap on my mind so I'm experiencing basic senses like touch more intensely because I'm not able to think as much. This is why I refuse to take benzos from fear of them making me a retard vegetable.

And yes, I know I shouldn't mix, and I know I shouldn't drink/smoke two days in a row. This was first time that I've smoked weed while actually full-on drunk though and it's not an experience I want to try a second time.

>>38047147
I remembered being sexual abused after I did some of the really dank weed about 5 years ago. It wasn't a bad flash back though. I didn't start having traumatic flash backs until I started reliving repressed memories. My therapist thinks it's because, I had the protective ability to dissociate. Which slowly scaled back after a bit of EMDR. However, my flashback are not very visual at all but, more sensational like a panic attack. I get triggered and feel the adrenaline rush and I feel like my nerves want to jump out of my body. After I ride it out I feel very cold to the touch and begin shivering. It happens for about a few minutes but, it feels longer and kinda ruins the rest of my day because, I feel on edge afterwards.

>>38047343
I'm a former drug user. I wouldn't see a doctor unless you feel like you absolutely have to.

>>38047344
Somehow, I just can't see it being profound or dramatic for me. That's assuming anything happens at all. The therapist speculates that it could be that the others actually possess fractions of memory or the effects of them, this producing the miniature nurture effects that have led to their radically different behaviours and demeanours. If it's true then that could be earth-shattering for some of them. I'm not sure how the most volatile will react. Or, desu, the one who likes to act aloof. It could represent some kind of existential crisis for him.

how come i can't take a compliment or praise without overthinking it and coming to the conclusion that whoever said it was just fucking with my head and really meant the opposite?

>>38047484
I think you will find it dramatic for you once you don't have your alters protecting you psyche. You might hate your alters but, they been helping you to not deal with your pain.

I often feel like i want to tell someone i trust about how much i suffer, i feel like i want to scream out for help.
but at the same time I don't want anyone to step in and help me, I've given up hope and feel like laying down and waiting for death to arrive.

I don't want anyone to know about how miserable i am, but something inside thinks otherwise, I don't anyone anymore not even myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, too many conflicting feeling, makes me want to tie a bag over my head and and wait for peaceful death.

>>38047343

You're experiencing paranoia associated with the amphetamine come down. Trust me, been there, done that.

You'll be back to normal within a couple of days.

>>38047587
I don't think I hate them, though I don't necessarily like them all the time. I'm not sure how they feel about me. Well, one of them I know doesn't really like me.

>>38047617
It's nice chatting with someone who also is going through EMDR. What do you do in your spare time? I really lost all motivation to do anything except being clingy and ready some books on psychology. I feel I don't have the will to do anything and feel so out of controlled with my emotions.

>>38047524
I wish I could help you, but I have some similar issues. I'm convinced that anytime someone compliments me they're just trying to make me feel better or they're mocking me and they don't actually mean it. I think part of it lies in that my self-esteem is fucked and I don't feel like I'm deserving of compliments since nothing I ever do is good enough. After all, if I don't see anything worthy of praise in myself how can others?

I don't know if this sounds like you, but I would examine your self esteem and see if that's an issue.

>>38047588
I've been working through something similar as well. I haven't been able to bring myself to call up my friend and have a talk, but I think it's the only way to help. If you feel like they can be trusted, I say go for it. Other people in these threads have told me that although their reactions could be anything, they are most likely to listen and try to offer assistance rather than do anything negative. Keeping everything bottled up inside isn't great, and talking with a trusted individual is much better than becoming an hero.

I realize how hard it can be, but please try talking to somebody you're close to before doing anything drastic.

>>38047734
The main thing I looked forward to every week was spending time alone, drinking and watching anime. More often that not that takes me out of control though these days.

Anyway, I've sworn off the drink now and having done so anime has lost its charm too. I want to get back into wrestling and judo, and for that I need to be sober and get in shape again. That'll mean weights, resistance machines and the treadmill mostly.

I'd given up on that dream but people have encouraged me to try again so I will. I'll do climbing as well to improve my grip strength. Plus it's quite fun, though I'm not very good at it.

>>38047849
Oh, and I'm playing a fair bit of Tekken lately as well. Perhaps unsurprisingly I main King, the wrestler. It was partly that which reminded me how much I missed doing it.

>>38047849
I did indoor rock climbing. It's hard for me to get around because I don't drive. I really want to get into shape so I can climb better and maybe cosplay. What anime did you like to watch? Have you seen erased or death parade?

>>38047925
Yeah, indoor for me as well. I don't drive either. Epilepsy. I've cosplayed before too, I did a pretty decent Zell all that time ago.

I know Death Parade but not Erased. I've seen a lot across a variety of genres. Just a pick of five I enjoyed from a broad-ish spectrum:

>Kaiji
>Shigurui (underrated imo)
>Azumanga Daioh
>Grappler Baki/ Strongest Disciple Kenichi/ Hajime no Ippo (grouped for similar themes)
>Baccano!

>>38047811
Thanks for the advice, its good knowing there's at least one person who read my stupid post and decided to reply.

If only i had someone to talk to, no one calls or texts me anymore, it's like I'm already dead.

Unfortunately there's only one person i can really trust and tell anything because we never met irl,
Our relationship has been.... Complicated, they won't text anymore and it's likely my fault.

I feel like if i keep complaining to them it'll only burden them and drive them firther away.

So here i am, a lost soul trying to find shelter.

i'd like it if i disappeared without a trace and spared everyone the pain of dealing with me

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In any case it's been good talking to you Patty, and I hope we speak again. I have to be up in six hours ago, so it's time for me to leave. Until next time.

>>38048005
I think I'll check out Shigurui. I haven't been able to work since I been in EMDR therapy. I been living a somewhat neet life because of it. I'm thinking about trying to drive again soon. I live in a small town with one bus that goes through it. Do you find it hard making friends not be able to drive?

>>38048123
It's been a pleasure focussing thing with you. I never talk to anyone before about EMDR treatment. It's good insight.

>>38044410
I'm glad you knew where I was going with that - I had to leave, for the significant other was here.

I have no idea what's going to happen between her and I. I get the feeling she does genuinely like me though, and she's told me she does. Relationships are complex as fuck.

>>38048016
>If only i had someone to talk to
I'm sorry anon, I might have read too much into what you said about talking to someone you trust.

Like I said, I haven't been able to talk to anyone irl about my shit. If you haven't done it already, venting any issues you may have on /r9k/ can still be therapeutic, leaving out identifiable information of course if you're paranoid like me. I've never tried it, but you might be able to find someone to talk to on a more personal level in one of those /r9k/ discords if talking on the threads isn't good enough.

Seriously, at least talk to somebody before doing anything drastic, even if you use a burner phone to anonymously call up a pizza hut or something. You're not the only one feeling like this and I'm sure you will see some improvement if you reach out.

>>38048016
Get a trip and start coming in these threads. It looks like Nick does one every day or something.

What kind of stuff are you talking to this person about? It may just be a little much for them to handle - not everyone is equipped to help people talk through things.
Additionally, sometimes people just get a bit exhausted slaying dragons, and need a little bit of downtime.

>>38042068

honestly no i really don't, i can't motivate myself to do anything but consume, i've tried every class of antidepressants and they haven't done shit so idk, it really bothers me on some fundamental level but i can't seem to logically find my way out of it.

i really desperately want to have children because of my stupid fucking hormones and body, even though it seems unethical to bring children into the world and i kind of resent my mother for doing so (maybe with proper parenting life wouldn't be so shit for them?)
..idk, i'll probably never get to find out, the aforementioned constant consumption has made me hideous and i don't think a non-gross dude would ever want me (and i do not blame them). even this intense desire is not enough to get me off of my ass, so i guess nothing ever will. oh well.

>>38048611
I hate to say it, but given the reasons are right, you may find having a child fulfilling. Though given your current mental state, I would say it has a high chance of the opposite happening.

Do you have enough money to start a business, and does your trust allow you to do so?

And I don't say the childbearing thing lightly. Creating a human from scratch out of your DNA and another human's is a strange experience for people.

Responsibility is self-evidently fulfilling. Unfortunately, you seem to be stuck in a world where that is robbed of you.

Trips are for losers

>>38048758
Yeah, but so is talking seriously on 4chan of all places, right?

>>38048903
True. It was more a joke though. Sorry

>>38048684

i have the money for it, i just have no ideas or ambition or willpower to do so, and i can't convince myself it's any objectively "better" than just continuing to do this

>>38048718

i think the childbearing thing would probably be fulfilling, deep down, i just can't seem to do the necessary prerequisite steps to getting there. i've tried starting with "baby steps", hundreds of fucking times now, i just get so bogged down in the "whats the fucking point, it doesn't matter, it probably won't even work" etc. that i can't stick to it at all and i end up feeling worse than when i started

just end me

>>38048933
I'm just messing around. /r9k/ is pretty special like that. It's the reason I love this place.

>>38048965
If I could give you one thing to think on, it'd be gambling your money in a business you think would really, really make money.

The reason I think you can convince yourself to do this is because it's pretty much the only truly thrilling thing you could do. And if you make an exceptionally successful business (be a pessimist at all times in business, though, obviously), you can pay other people lots of money and challenge them to do the same. I'm not sure how much you care about helping other people (not wanting so is not bad, it's just a state of being) but you may find challenging people to get to a higher level fulfilling.
Playing chess isn't bad as long as you are trying to help the pawns, but very, very carefully so they don't really know you're helping them. You have to push them from afar, which would be from the top in your case.

>>38048933
What are you up to?

I suppose I should read the thread.

>>38049203

i mean i could start "gambling" on daytrading or something i guess, idk what you mean by a "business", i really don't know how to interact with people and really don't see the point so i probably wouldn't do an actual physical business, plus again i don't have any ideas. i honestly don't care about helping strangers at all, they've never seemed to bother much about me.

>>38049532
Well, I'm bothering about you right now, if that's any help at all. I may have a random series of digits and a false name to identify as, but we're still strangers.

It's not like our position is really that different, though. I just get supported actively rather than via a trust fund.

Daytrading is rather boring. Do you really have no interest in even toying with humans? Forget helping them. Does even productive manipulation sound appeasing?

>>38049853

no, i honestly just do not want to interact with them at all. i'm not sadistic or altruistic at all, i just do not want to be around normies ever. i would like a partner but that would require sifting through a lot of insufferable people with no guarantee of success so thats probably not worth it either, and again i can't even take the prerequisite steps so its a moot point.

i agree that daytrading is boring, that was just the only "business gambling" type thing i could think of that required no human interaction.

>>38050322
Can I ask if you've had any rather awful experiences with people? I know having money leads to getting the shittiest side of people.

>>38050397
Same person, forgot to tripfag.

>>38035776
how can i stop being sad when i go out? i used to be kinda ok, i would get kinda anxious when i left my house but that was it. now whenever i stay out for more than 30 min i feel like crying.

>>38051279
Nick does encourage putting something in the name field, though it's 4chan so I won't blame you for not doing so. No one is really pretending to be anyone else anyway.

Is outside the only time you feel anxiety? Do you have problems talking to people on the phone or in person but inside?

>>38051407
>Do you have problems talking to people on the phone or in person but inside?
yep, i get very nervous and feel like crying even if its on the phone, i can barely order things in shops and stuff. i buy all my clothes online because of that. when im drunk its a little better and usually people dont even notice im drunk.

>>38051468
sorry, i keep forgetting about the name thingy

>>38051486
No worries, it's foreign to me too.

>>38051468
Can I ask if you do any drugs?

>>38051571
i like to smoke some weed and some cigarettes(only when im drinking).

>>38051724
Sorry, I just keep forgetting to check the thread. I hope you're still here.
How often do you smoke weed?

>>38052186
whenever i can, maybe like once every two weeks

>>38052277
I think that's a perfectly healthy rate, actually.
Is there anyone you trust to talk to at all? Family?

>>38052372
ive started going to a psychologist but i honestly cant feel safe talking about this kinda stuff with anyone

>>38052399
That's understandable. Trusting a psychologist can sometimes be impossible.
I'm assuming you absolutely do not trust your parents. Is that a safe assumption?