Writing

I wrote a radio sketch the other day.
I'm quite pleased with it. I might actually record it if I can get over the intense feelings of shame of speaking loudly.
http://docdro.id/XRdxTiW

>>37904762
It's a bit hard to get an idea based on the first page alone.

>>37905280
This is very good anon, I would really like to hear you read it

>>37904762
Your dialogue sounds really cringey, desu. Like some dialogue spoken by enemy goons in a low budget action movie or some fanfiction. I thought up better replacements for all 4 lines of dialogue. Less is more.

Want me to give you your "revised" dialogue?

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>>37905888
Yes please


Originalialialialio

>>37905888
It sounds fine

>>37905888
>low budget action movie
Nail on the head actually since I plan on filming this on a budget of dick and balls.

But I digress. I've never been good at doing dialogue so hit me with what ya got.

>>37905810
Thank you.
I have my doubts about the opening phone call though.
It's needed because it easily establishes that it's a pharmacy in an audio format but I'm not sure if the behaviour of the pharmacist is consistent with his behaviour when dealing with the other customer.

>>37905280
I like it! That's really good, it's a simple joke but you really made it work and the payoff was satisfying.

>>37905915
>Boss
"Who the fuck does Swan thing he is, huh? Why'd he send you?"
>John
"I'm sorry, but I think you got the wr--" (this one is fine)
>Boss
"I don't give a shit what kind of chink drugs he's feeding you guys. He shouldn't have sent you"
>Boss
"Take your time"

(adjust the lines to better fit whatever storyline you have in mind, but generally the best/realistic kind of dialogue works where they say less)

>>37905952
I don't really see the problem, the store credit joke certainly fits the personality without hammering the play on words bit too early or too hard.

What would the response be to a superhero novel? I have the first few "chapters" done but I've put it away for a while. I want to finish it, but I also would like some motivation.

It's semi satirical, relating to the superhero genre and American culture. I don't have any excerpts but I've been told my writing is decent.

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>>37905973
Alright, good to see. I like cutting down the last line, it makes him a little more menacing.

Here's the second page, anyway. I had a third but Celtx mobile fucking obliterated it for some reason.

Not 100% sure how this is gonna go but I'm patterning this based mostly on this Film Riot short I saw a few years ago, which you can see here: https://youtu.be/BMhXexbDmv8

Behind The Scenes said it cost them like $200 which is pretty cheap considering how this looks.

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Destroy my lyrics.

>>37906095
You did a pretty good job of that on your own, why do you need help?

>>37906095
>I unfurl
Like a flag or sail?

>>37906095
Is this a Death Grips song

Bom swiggity

make a pimp slap instead of a punch

>>37906116
Neither, I meant something along the lines of unravelling or coming undone.

>>37906118
It was inspired by Death Grips

>>37906088
Some advice on the second page. It'd be much better without the "hold the fuck up" line yelled by the henchmen. It'd be much more visually appealing (comedic-wise as well) if the henchman and John just suddenly met eyes and a short awkward silence before John jumps behind a wall. Everything else is fine.

But it's your script, man. It could be a satirical tongue-in-cheek action film. I just tried to make your dialogue less "hammy" basically.

>>37906153
But that's not what unfurl means you silly Billy

Also I like dg but having it be inspired by then is a bad thing

>>37906172
"make or become spread out from a rolled or folded state" is what google says, so i just used it. plus, i try to incorporate as much symbolism in my lyrics as possible

also, why's that?

I wrote something for the first time in a long time.

It's shitty but at least I did it.

I'm writing a fiction series, and I'm only a few chapters in. But I'm embarrassed to post it because it's kind of bland.

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"Frodo,we need to speak..." Galadrial limped with difficulty toward the hobbit,adrift in his own thoughts.
"Yes,my Lady. I know what you're going to say:the Burden is heavy,but I need not shoulder it alone. I-"
"No,Frodo," she interrupted. "Although true,there are other things to consider. Your companions-" The rhythmic stutter to her voice was present,but hardly noticed by the hobbit. He interjects,"Pippin and Merry I can trust with my life,surely you can't object to their coming!"
She steadies herself before answering. "No,I have no fear for them but its-"
Frodo loks at her,gently vibrating with a solid pulse."Boromir?" She shakes her head. "Its...Gimli,Frodo."
He stares,shocked. "You don't trust him?",but she just smiled.
"I do. It's just that he won't stop humping my leg." Both looked down beyond the Mirror,the top of a hairy head bouncing and grunting. "You know him better than we of Lothlorien. Is there some charm to impell him? Some crowbar handy?"
Frodo doesn't answer at first. Then with a meek and longing look,whispers,"Can I have the other leg?"
Long was the silence at Galadrial's Mirror.If you don't count the grunting.

(Oldie but a goodie)

>>37906261
>>37906213
Bruh let's see it then.