i dont know what the fuck to do lads, having a fire under me

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i dont know what the fuck to do lads, having a fire under me doesnt motivate me anymore because my entire life is just burning so im used to it now. if i do bother to get up (usually i dont, and the failure - though only piling onto the ever growing monument of my worthlessness - gives me relief since at least i dont have to worry about it anymore), its only to pick up burnt ash and soot and watch it slip through my fingertips as i attempt to rebuild whatever i had
and its not like i dont care at all either, i cant even just say "fuck it im not gonna do it, i dont care, im gonna enjoy whatever i decide to do with my time alternatively", im constantly trapped in a stasis of absolute panic because of stacking deadlines that have already passed and im trying to pick up the pieces (see: freaking out over it but ultimately not actually doing anything about it) and then i get depressed and stop doing anything because "i'm just gonna kill myself soon anyway it doesnt matter" but when you build most of your adolescence and all of your adult life on the idea of inevitable suicide on the horizon, it starts to lose its meaning and seem more distant and the realization that you are only repeating a catchphrase to temporarily suppress your anxiety (but add more and more gasoline to the fire in the longterm) slowly becomes clearer when you realize that youre so accustomed to atrophy and sedentary behavior that you will infinitely procrastinate even your own suicide.
so then you have to deal with the mess youve made of your life once you decide that youre going to have to keep living and thats what im having trouble with now. how do i just do a complete 180 after spending all of my life procrastinating and avoiding work?