late night thoughts & feels

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I am unhappy. I wallowed in misery for a long time. It seemed the proper thing to do, as my life had always been a mess. However, it was taking its toll, slowly but surely destroying me. I did some reflection. Why was I unhappy? What, exactly, was making me feel that way? There were many things contributing to it. Some of them couldn't be changed, but others could. So I tried to work on fixing those. It was difficult -at times it seemed impossible-, but after many failed attempts, I saw some results. Good ones. I kept going, step by step, until everything I could fix was fixed. This also took a long time, but I managed to do it. My life was objectively better.

Yet, even then, I wasn't happier. The moments I was free from distractions, I felt miserable again. This time it was somehow worse, because I didn't know what else I could do to get rid of the sadness. I had hit a dead end, and my only options seemed to stay there, or go back to where I was before. Both of them equally desperating.

Around me, everyone seems so blissful. Of course, I'm sure that they have problems of their own that keep them from sleeping at night. But they are so filled with positiveness, so hopeful, pleased, fulfilled. Some of them walk into a room and it becomes brigther, while I feel like a blackhole. It's like they are in another dimension that happens to intersect with mine from time to time. I don't belong to the places they belong. Conversations die with me. Too many topics I can't be part of. My presence is awkward, and they'd rather I wasn't there.

It's most likely all in my mind. I'm not that special. They don't care whether I'm around or not, but I still feel like an impostor. Despite everything I've done to improve, I still don't belong in that web of happiness. I can fake it but I can't make it.

I am unhappy.