Ex-military nihilist help

I'm not saying I'm a genius that is above others in thinking...I just think differently. I think I might want children and to settle down amd live for my children amd not as such am individual anymore but I can't get married. I've tried finding love, I'm obviously a uncommon personality type. I can't get a surrogate mother.

I have very violent thoughts in my head that I probably won't act on but I'm not going to tell loved ones or authority, it has to be just angst or something silly that will fade with time. I want to take lives that need to be taken in my own eyes but even criminals don't really do anything worth trying to kill them over.

I don't care to kill "innocent" people like some kind of pyschotic game... I need a reason. I dream about it day amd night, I bring it up in conversations with people like it is a common topic and make my relationships awkward. I constantly wander and stalk people, looking for action on my free time. I'm purely compulsed to and I always try tp stop myself.

Please just help.

Have you thought about re-upping? Stay in the military....

>>37490516
After you get high enough, it is glorified manager work. I've received the training I need to engage and kill. I don't care about the other skills. I might though at this point. Thank you for responding.

you seem to have a lot of repressed anger boiling inside for whatever reason. Don't let it build up it will end up eating you. stop thinking you have a greater purpose and enjoy life on simple terms. Civilization's course is out of reach for a single man, you can only do your small part and hope for the best. Finally be humble, there are billions of people on this planet, there have been countless men before our time and there'll be countless others afterwards. Try to learn from others as much as you can, we all taken a slightly different path but at end of the day we share pretty much the same DNA

>>>/adv/

Original comment --

>>37490482
Why didn't you deploy?

Are you in some meme army e.g. Swedish?

>>37490754
I did, we pulled security detail and taught local troops. I'm in US military.

>>37490495
>>37490482
There ARE support systems for mental health for veterans. They aren't perfect, but I suggest you look into these resources. You seem to have both issues with the idea of readjusting to civilian life and with mental health in general, and these are both problems that TONS of veterans face. You're not alone, and there's resources for help.

>>37490713
>Civilization's course is out of reach for a single man

Them's quitting words. OP, you have to fight. It's in your blood now. It doesn't matter what you do, you will always be trained to fight and kill. Those instincts and muscle reactions will never leave you.

>>37490805
Perhaps, I'll give in to these more. I've always ignored them to be honest.

>>37490482
>>37490495
You are not the same person you were 5 minutes ago or arguably a few seconds ago. Water and various substances circulate through your brain and neurons constantly. It takes a period of time for synapses to occur so apparently sapience involves a period of time, but you change.

What makes you care about the future you? You evolved emotions which are deeply connected to your abstract thought processes, if you get a piece of bad news your heart rate rises and you get emotions even though you are not physically hurt, you have no control over it and it is difficult to pretend you have had bad news to trigger it, it has to be actual bad news.

Without emotions you would have no motivation to do anything. It is a part of you even if emotions can be irrational and bothersome sometimes.

In the end you are a "good person", or at least someone who is capable of more than immediate gratification. Some people make a big deal out of putting aside short term gain for long term gain, they say people nowadays hae short attention spans because they can get instant gratification from porn and such. Just to clarify I am not talking about instant gratification within minutes, I am talking about gratification within seconds, less than the time of a synapse perhaps even. You are certainly not at that point or you would not even bother getting up to go to the toilet.

Anyway. This part of your nature can be extended to greater goals like advancing science and things.

>>37490902
go to them anyway just to see what they are about, make a friend, grab a handful of candies from the mint bowl

>>37490482
i just get by day to day without trying to go too deep into a search for meaning. find some easy job like a security guard, which should be easy enough to get into if you were in the military, and live out your days constantly avoiding the questions you know you cant get a satisfactory answer to.
personally i work only enough to get by and put a bit away for the future so i can stay comfortable later in life. i have no dreams or goals other than maybe getting a little bit better at game x or finishing book y. sometimes the weight of life sets in but thats what alcohol is for.
i hope for your sake you aren't like me and this is just a phase for you, but if you are then good luck.