>tfw still alive feels thread?

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I need words in this message

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>>37210109
Why are you sad anon? *Hugs*

bumping for sad anon

tfw you try to kill yourself
tfw someone finds you
tfw you wake up a week later tied to a hospital be so you wouldnt accidentally pull your breathing tube out during your coma
tfw you were out for a week
tfw you died for three minutes
tfw it was better

>>37210929
It wasn't better anon you just feel so bad it felt like relief.

>>37210929
>the want to kill myself so badly
>the too much of a pussy to go through with it because I'm scared of death, me being a pussy is one of the many things I hate about myself
>tfw forced to be here and suffer

>>37211003
What makes you suffer being here?

>tfw after Red Bull, cigarettes, and PBR all day the coke I just got seems to be wearing off super fast

>>37211040
Why coke?

>>37210929
>tfw it was better
that would make me immediately kill again

>>37211190
Would make me want to try to fix my life so I never want to again. I want to fix my life now and get out of this hell and prove all the fuckers wrong in my family and my ex.

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>>37211232
>see the bliss of the void you were snatched out of when 2 selfish cunts decided they wanted to
>ugh let me just try to make my shit smell less bad

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>>37210109
>tfw you were one of the better workers of your team and had a chance of being promoted but got fired for some bullshit rules
>tfw you didn't want to tell your family you got fired so you spend all day dicking around the city, drinking and smoking, even though you don't smoke, so you don't have to explain why you got early from work

>tried to kms several years ago by jumping 4 stories when shit and stress piled up
>didnt work, just crippled me
>now its happening again
I have basically no resources when it comes to this because Im poor as hell. Is slitting my arm a guranteed way out? My knifes arent very sharp

>>37210929
>>37212087
Jesus fuck, anon. I honestly don't even know what to say.

>>37211040
Your poor heart and kidneys.

>>37210109
Ooooh boy. Home for the first time in months, and I've got some serious feels.

>tfw mom destroyed herself giving birth to me, and dad was given the sadistic choice of whether to save her or me
>tfw mom went insane from the 107 degree fever and the toxemia and her stitches re-opening and turned to drugs and alcohol
>tfw I can just google her name and I get mugshots and headlines
>tfw I haven't seen her in close to 17 years
>tfw Dad says he considers her dead
>tfw my dad's had two other wives since then and STILL refers to my mom as the love of his life
>tfw trying to live up to her sacrifice and be worthy of it

>tfw I know she loved me
>tfw I remember her reading me stories to put me to sleep, singing me awake in the morning, singing me to sleep at night, pushing me on the swing, and lying back on the grass and looking for shapes in the clouds
>tfw she sang "You Are My Sunshine"
>tfw I know that was the real her and can't believe she's really too far gone to save
>tfw I think of her locked away in some hellhole without having seen me in nearly two decades, and it's really fucking sad
>tfw she looks sadder and sadder in each mugshot
>tfw I'm scared she'll die before I'm able to see her again
>tfw I'm scared she won't be what I remember

>tfw I can feel her inside me, and I know which parts of me come from her
>tfw I even know what kind of music she likes
>tfw I swear I can feel her in quiet moments, when I'm listening to certain music, and when I need her the most
>tfw I find myself calling out for her when I'm hurt or weak, and I swear I can hear her if I listen
>tfw the last time I saw her, she read me Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in bed
>tfw I think the mother's love spell protecting Harry and I wonder if she picked that story on purpose

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>tfw waking up alive
>tfw no one would care if you died but you still can't kill yourself
>tfw normalfags would talk about how you were such good friends and pretend they liked you for attention

>>37212444
It is pretty shitty how people scramble to find that one story about the time they spoke to a dead person briefly so that they can make it about them and their drama.

Dunno what to say, anon. I hope you can find some happiness.

>>37212444
>implying anyone ever told me they loved me
good joke anon

>>37212398
Holy shit bro, my heart goes out to you. Can you into visitation?

>>37210109
But with you (I'm feeling better since you know me)
I feel again (I was a lonely soul but that's the old me)
Yeah with you (I'm feeling better since you know me)
I can feel again (I was a lonely soul)

Woo hoo (Woo hoo)

I'm feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
A little wiser now from what you showed me
Yeah, I feel again, feel again woo hoo

>>37212808
I've been putting this one off for years. I want to fly to Minnesota someday and do exactly that, plus connect with her side of the family, but I've just been so busy and had so much to deal with for the past few years that some part of me doesn't know if I can face that yet.

>asian family
>cousin's wedding in a month
>biggest family event this year, maybe decade
>argued with mom again last weekend
>she was mad that I did not want to be set up on dates or have anyone play matchmaker for me since it's a personal choice
>tells me it's insulting to the elders
>tells me I'm taking it too seriously while berating me for hours on being "impolite" since I had to be firm and not smile when telling her
>"pre-punishes" me for potentially being impolite at wedding although it has not happened yet
>wedding not for a month

On the plus side, she finally spelled out what she meant by "etiquette" (do what everyone else is doing wasn't enough) and gave me license to softly turn down relatives' requests and demands. This is literally the most stressful wedding I can remember. I've always had anxiety over visiting relatives but I've never seen the reason why laid out so bare before.

I don't know how much more I can take. I've always been the emotionally tough stoic one throughout my life but now it's like I'm one bad day from a total breakdown. Respect for tradition and culture is one thing, but if it does more harm than good to others and the recipients have no say in stopping it maybe there is something wrong? My mom was never like this before; in fact she tried to be a normal Western parent. Nowadays she uses that history to excuse her shitty behavior and to claim she's better than other parents when berating me. I just want my mom back.

>tfw i just want help but i'm afraid to ask for it
>tfw when someone tries to help i push them away
>tfw don't know what i want

>>37212976
At least people are reaching out to you. I probably need professional help at this point but I'm afraid of giving people hard proof that I'm crazy to use against me.

I have cyclic vomiting syndrome.

I've spent the last 24 hours vomiting and dry heaving. I'm completely drained. I've gotten about an hour of sleep and I can't get myself to start sleeping again. My throat hurts so much right now. My stomach feels like I'm being stabbed. I have a headache. My feet are numb. I feel so unbelievably weak. My fucking blanket feels heavy. I'm reaching such a level of skeleton it's disgusting. I can't stop crying. I don't know how much more I can deal with.

>>37213206
That sounds fucking horrible. Sorry you have to go through that. I tend to be often mildy nauseated, I can't even begin to fathom how that level of nausea must be like to live with. Hope you feel better soon