Psychological Issues #64

Took ages to post because of "bad gateway error", then I can't add threads to watch list. What's going on here?

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>>37085958
It has to be the jews. Also how you doin'?

>>37085998

I've experienced a more stable state. Still cry daily but I feel less depressed in general.

I also got drunk last night. Not too drunk but past tipsy.

And had amazing food with obscene prices. All worth it.

How are you?

>>37086026
Glad you had a great time Nick. I had a decent time last Friday with the boss and some 16 year old chick. I think I was there as a "see nothing wrong's going on here between those two," guy.

>>37086116

That sounds creepy; why does your boss go out with a 16-year-old girl?

>>37086026
Way to go. With both the booze and food. What was the occassion for drinking?

As for me I went out with the intention of killing myself and didn't go through with it. I alternate between feeling very light and very angry now. Mostly light. Suicidal ideation is one hell of a drug.

I might be coming to the conclusion that being angry at people for treating inferior people like shit is actually not that different from shouting at clouds for rain. I don't know. I just get that feeling.

>>37086026
kek just made a thread about you, wondering about why you hadn't posted

do you or your therapist have experience with trans people? i have a trans friend (MtF) that i treat like a girl (kiss him on the cheek when saying hi, etc.

but sometimes i mess up and use male pronouns

>>37086152
>Way to go. With both the booze and food. What was the occassion for drinking?

If I give too many details, I'll be very identifiable. Basically, through connections, I was invited to a very prestigious institution. For a gastronomic dinner. Over a hundred euros (though we don't use them, just for a reference) for a menu, containing several dishes, usually small ones, but very filling on the whole. It was amazing. We had 4 different wines. I drank way too much. They refilled our glasses whenever we were done.

There were 8 of us. On the way back, I was in the back of the car, and cried silently the whole way back. Nobody noticed anything. It was night.

Feels.

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>>37086152
>As for me I went out with the intention of killing myself and didn't go through with it.

Dude what? This is extremely worrisome.


>>37086152
>I might be coming to the conclusion that being angry at people for treating inferior people like shit is actually not that different from shouting at clouds for rain. I don't know. I just get that feeling.

Indeed, and don't forget that much of that impression comes from your mind rather than the real world, as evidenced by this thread.

You can't stay suicidal like this, I'm concerned.

>>37086140
He's friends with her dad.But this being small town and all rumors fly. But I finally watched the first Bad Boys movie after leaving the pool hall so I had a great time. Left the pool hall sooner than he'd planned because drugged up trailer trash showed up in a group.

>>37086320

Her dad is fine with her going out with adult dudes like you guys?

Is the town that small?

As to me, I got invited for a movie and dinner on Saturday. Not romantic.

But cool nonetheless.

Hey Nick, I'm glad to see this thread up. These make me genuinely happy. I've given up on everything. I used to care about some aspects of myself, but not anymore. I've realized that I'm not doing anything with myself, so I don't care about myself anymore.

One of my workmates told me she saw me driving to work, stuck in traffic.

That's all cool and stuff, except I generally cry while driving. I suppose if she had seen me bawling my eyes out, she wouldn't have said anything, or would have asked me what was up.

>>37086386

Don't give up, but don't hold expectations if that makes you depressed. Give yourself time, give yourself a break. Sometimes holding on blindfolded works out in the end.

Remind me of your social situation: job, partner, etc.

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>>37086349
I haven't heard all the details, but apparantly she's some variety of mentally damaged. And her dad trusts my boss to take care of her. By small town, I'll give an example: its 25-35 miles either direction to a town large enough to have even a Wal-Mart. How'd your movie go? Pic not related but makes me laugh.

>>37086400
She probably would have asked you about it, unless she was trying to get you to ask her if she saw you crying.

Got kicked out of college, fucking kill me

>>37086431
No job, living with my parents, I have a girlfriend, I don't do anything.

I'm just going to have fun.

>>37086436

I don't get the pic.

Haven't seen the movie yet, it's on Saturday. It's Guardians of the Galaxy, I was told, but I think that came out a while ago, so I wonder if this is a sequel. Not a movie I care for.

>>37086440

Anything's possible. She asks me stuff quite often. Literally asked me if I wanted to [go do some sporty activities which I won't detail to avoid identification]. I said no because I'm not interested in said activity.

>>37086467

What happened?

>>37086484

How old are you and do you have a degree or any kind of education?

>>37086520
I guess. Do you have any friends out of work?

>>37086533
20 years old. High school diploma. I'm really tempted to get drunk, and do whatever I want.

Gonna give LO some money to buy herself clothes.

Been able to withhold the tears more today.

>>37086571
She'll never forgive you for what you did. Giving her money won't help.

Turns out you were right, Nick. Psychiatrist said I had the blunted affect of someone with autism, but that my social skills and lack of common autistic/asperger characteristics didn't indicate it.

Don't know what the fuck is wrong with me at this point. At least he said he'd keep in touch, and try to figure out if we should investigate further.

>>37086299
>Dude what? This is extremely worrisome.
I decided to find some nice place with trees, so I don't make a mess. Like a small forest. So I just walked, because I saw some woods, but it was all fenced up and inaccessible. It's strange. At the spur of a moment I was completely sure but as I walked for about 30 minutes I calmed down.

>Indeed, and don't forget that much of that impression comes from your mind rather than the real world, as evidenced by this thread.
Well being superior does give you an advantage. One thing that I am not completely sure about is if the shitty treatment is even that shitty with respect to the outcome. I don't know how to explain well. It has the to with the talent vs skill. Which might seem played but it's important for me.

>>37086542

Some. Not counting online ones, I have two, sort of. I'm working on it. I neglected this for the most part. I'm slowly building a network of people. Given enough confidence and bold moves, I should be able to build a network as well as I'm doing here.

>>37086557

You're young enough to start studies, though there's no age. I'm about to become a student again, for crying out loud.

What's a field you'd be interested in?

>>37086595
>She'll never forgive you for what you did. Giving her money won't help.

I'm not so sure about the former, but it's irrelevant to this situation. I'm giving her money so she can buy herself clothes, no other reason. I want her to have clothes.

>>37086571
It's progress. It takes time, but you'll turn out fine.

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>>37086493
I think they meant the sequel, yeah. Not a big Marvel guy, except for Iron Man. Also that pic is a pun of this guy's name, Freeza

>>37086610
A mechanical engineer. I get to go to college for free.

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Lost all my friends after middle school, been alone for 4 years now, losing interest in everything, been depressed for a few years but noticed it a few months ago because i denied myself being depressed.
Always felt sad and lonely but never realized it's actually fucking depression.

Only thing that's keeping me from killing myself is the fact that i'm scared of what happens afterwards and i feel that there would even be a slight reason for me to exist.

Fucking everyday keeps getting more boring and boring i don't know what the hell to do.

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>>37086650
I shall one-up you my friend

Evening, all. Glad to be in from work.

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>>37086599
>Turns out you were right, Nick.

Dat validation.

There might be more that was blunted. You need to grow your feelings again, this thread is a good place to start. Go slow, but go steady.

I feel really disgusted in myself. Curiosity got the better of me and I looked at a particularly gross genre of porn. I didn't fap to it, but bleh.

>>37086716
Was me, of course. I'd blame tiredness but I'm always lax with the trip.

>>37086713
That file name is, uh... pretty direct. Why do you feel this way?

>>37086602
>Well being superior does give you an advantage.

Yeah, you'll live longer, and will lose more than everyone else. Awesome advantage.

Don't forget this, Dan, we all turn to dust in the end.

>>37086650

Oh OK, I see it. I wasn't familiar enough with him to get it.

>>37086716
Hello.
Fuck, not original enough.

>>37086652

So what's stopping you? Sounds like an awesome plan right there.

>>37086720
I've been less emotional than my peers for as long as I can remember, and I don't really view that as a problem. Look at how much pain you're going through, for one.

My issue is solely about working with people without going insane.

>>37086686
>Always felt sad and lonely but never realized it's actually fucking depression.

I know that feel. It's probably even worse than you know.

You need to get out of this. There are more drastic ways and softer ones: use everything you can.

For starters, this thread. It should be open daily, but sometimes I'm not around or have to work. Perhaps we should decide on some sort of schedule so the thread doesn't depend on me. We'll see.

Another thing to do is to go out with people. Doesn't have to be clubs, but to see and talk to human beings. This will help so much more than you realise.

Can you do this fairly easily for now? Seeing people?

>>37086716
evening, how're you holding up?

>>37086726
>I looked at a particularly gross genre of porn.

C'mon, don't just tickle my balls: say exactly what kind, I'm curious as fuck now.

>>37086798
I don't want that. I'm going to get money that I don't want, and extra that I don't need. I'm going to go to a job that I don't like, and I'm going to go home to a shitty apartment. My girlfriend that I don't really care about is going to be waiting for me. Everything about living sucks. Oh, I've also realized that I don't look at people as people.

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>>37086713
There is too much going on in that picture. I get Cell, Cooler, and Bojack. Also wtf with that image name?
>>37086790
Its fine. Hope you enjoy being with people this weekend. Glad to hear you're re-expandin your social circle. Not surprised you didn't get it, but it was my show as a kid and DB Super is still bettet than GT

>>37086819
>I've been less emotional than my peers for as long as I can remember, and I don't really view that as a problem. Look at how much pain you're going through, for one.

Yes, but at least I can enjoy what I'm supposed to enjoy, and miss what I'm supposed to have. I tend to believe that there are mainly two reactions to abuse/adversity, and the one where you suffer the most isn't necessarily the worse one.

You may have to open the floodgates some day too. It'll be worth it.

>>37086773
That's not quite what I meant. But living a better life is a huge advantage. Who cares what you lose when you die.

What I meant is, let's say that you can get born with an advantage at something of 1 - 100. But then as you live, you have free time that you can use to work hard on something, to put effort in something. I think the range of results you can get through effort (at least couple tens of thousands hours) is much bigger than what you can get by advantage that you get born with.

And now when I actually spelled the idea, I realized it's fucking bullshit.

>>37086885

OK, let's focus on what you want. What do you want?

>>37086726
why did porn make you feel disgusted with your self?

>>37086872
Ugh. It was bestiality. I'm not proud of it, but at least I didn't fap to it. I might have mentioned it before in these threads but I get an adrenaline rush from doing things I feel are morally wrong. My depression has been really bad lately so I just wanted to feel SOMETHING even for a momentary thrill.

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>>37086713

I had actually not read the filename.

>mfw

I abused drugs and alcohol for years because I had no friends and now I'm in college and struggling because I'm now an idiot. I was smart before this. I just over look the stupidest shit. I still drink too much and when I try to stop I get really sad because I still have no friends. I'm planning on stopping drinking every night and only doing it on the weekends.

>>37086918
I want to get drunk, and fight people.

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Eyyy lads, how was your day so far?
Btw where were you last night nick?

On a non related venting:
>In a dark Period of my life
>Very suicidal
>Decide to let a friend in on my suffering because i felt the need to talk to someone about it
>Friend talks me out of suicide
>Resumes to never speak with me again
Why?
Why convince me to live another day if I'd be in constant agony?

the real sad part is I'm not too keen on suicide anymore so I'm forced to suffer alone

>>37086917
>But living a better life is a huge advantage. Who cares what you lose when you die.

Anyone who's alive before he dies.

I know you tend to think other people's advantages can never ever be anything less than the very best, just because it's not yours, but real life isn't that clear cut.

>>37086917
>And now when I actually spelled the idea, I realized it's fucking bullshit.

I was about to demonstrate, but I'm glad we're in agreement. You used to have so many models "proving" this and that, but it's so simplified and based on your own terms that it never really works.

That said, you need a therapist very soon. You can't be suicidal like this.

>>37086792
Hey Eh. That's a palindrome, and you can take that to the bank. No need to thank me, it's all in a day's work.
>>37086863
Yeah, alright ta. Looking forward to getting through my therapy days (unironically a high point of my week) then after that more work and the highlight of my day - drinking to forget the week previous in preparation for the week to follow. Yay!

>>37086941

Are you sure that's it, or do you prefer to think it's about an immoral thrill than to think you're attracted to animals?

>>37086949

Reduce your alcohol consumption, gradually. Any way you can meet people?

>>37086980
Hey Bort.

Greetings everyone, hope you all are happy,

so let's see what's new
I feel like shit, 100% like shit, and when I don't feel like shit I do actually feel like shit but there is also some more stuff that's not making me think about it
yesterday evening/night I talked for hours with some friends, and if I was normal I'd probably cry, but I didn't because for some reason I don't cry.
remember that guy who is 18 and wanted to help me in drawing? I found out that he feels exactly like me, we both feel broken, empty and worthless,
there is a difference though, he's good at drawing even though he is younger and has been drawing for less time than me, <- this makes me want to die more than anything
today I sketched a thing (no I won't show it, sorry), didn't make me feel any different because of many reasons
and I think that's all for now, feel free to ask questions (please do)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtK5xRIp1Rc

>>37086960
>I want to get drunk, and fight people.

How about no...

Start a martial art, that'll take care of half of it, with many benefits.

>>37086980
>Btw where were you last night nick?

Dining on some of the finest food in the world, and wine.

Your friend sounds strange, but maybe he didn't want to carry that burden any longer.

>>37087004
That's actually pretty cool. I'm glad you pointed that out.

Lost my A in calc and my EE class thanks to this worsening cognitive impairment.

>>37087013
I'm really not attracted to animals. I find them disgusting, to be honest. This isn't the first time I've done the adrenaline rush thing. Before it was a different thing altogether.

>>37086999
>I know you tend to think other people's advantages can never ever be anything less than the very best, just because it's not yours, but real life isn't that clear cut.
So long as it's an advantage.

>I was about to demonstrate, but I'm glad we're in agreement.
I was actually arguing for effort here. But I'm glad we're in agreement.

>>37087004
I forgot to say hi. So, hi.

>>37087040
oh actually there is one more thing

I can't stand the taste of alcohol, but right now I want to get drunk as fuck and cry and talk to my friends

>>37087075
No bother. Also, to reiterate Nick's point take up a full contact martial art. It's great. There's also merit in getting your head kicked in too. It's win-win.

>>37087040

Show the damn drawing! It's probably way better than you think.

Befriend that guy, this may be important.

Don't give two fucks about who's "better" because various artistic abilities vary a lot and it comes down to taste in most cases. Your style may appeal to others more than his, etc.

>>37087042
I'd probably end up getting drunk and fighting people anyways. It's just that I'd be able to beat them better. I'm glad you recommended this.

>>37087076
>Lost my A in calc and my EE class

Does that mean you get a B in calculation and... I have no idea what EE stands for.

>>37087077

Stars Wars dubs.

You get adrenaline from being grossed out?

>>37087114
I think I'll try that. It seems pretty good.

>>37087148
no, from doing stuff I think is bad

>>37087117
I am friend with the guy now,
but him existing makes me sad but I don't want to feel this way about him
he IS better, it's not style, he did commissions, people requests him and I've seen people repost his drawings many times, meanwhile I know no one would pay me a cent, they do like my stuff, sure of that, but that doesn't make it good

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hey Nicky. I don't know if you remember but I told you about kissing a friend when i was drunk.

Now she says she's been in love with me since we were in Vancouver (10 years ago). She says she wants to be my gf
I rather have her as a friend than as a gf but I dont want to hurt her feelings. I think I ruined my only good friendship with a woman I ever had

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>>37087114
>There's also merit in getting your head kicked in too

Imagies of Facet San fighting to the death when he shouldn't, but unwilling to give up, only to be saved by Nick San, who takes the mercy kill blow and almost dies in the attempt, thus giving Facet San the certainty that his life is deemed worthy by someone else.

>Facet, no!
>Nicku, I must.
>I refuse! *Jumps in front of Facet*
>...

>Nicku, why? Why?
>Because... Y-you deserve to live.

>>37087201
Probably. You may not be able to recover.

>>37087120

Is this out of boredom?

>>37087195

Did you get a kick from doing things your parents forbade you?

>>37086790
So how did you end up at this dinner? I want to try and have irl friends but I have nothing to talk about except work, gaming, politics, and us here in this godforsaken place. I don't have anything in common with real people. I don't drink or smoke, and parties around here are just that with more fucking around and std-sharing. Fucking someone just to fuck again doesn't really appeal to me either.

>>37087256
Yes. It'd be fun.

>>37087256
Actually, no. I had no real want to drink or party or shit like that.

>>37087240
I've always seen myself as a noble sacrifice redemption arc guy myself. Still, if you die instead I can be more of a tormented hero if you like. Be sure to leave me some kind of Mjolnir-style weapon that I can't use initially but after your death I become worthy at just the right moment.

>>37087197

Could this be related with the fact that you won't show your damn art when asked?

People have paid 300 bucks for a painting I made. I'm nowhere near any good, and I'm positive you have more talent than me, so let's see some fucking art so I can confirm my suspicion. Hit me with something pretty good that you made. Don't be a pussy, either: nobody will disrespect you for wanting to improve your game, but refusing to show your work because you're ashamed and think it should be better is just vanity, so feel your balls and go go go.

>>37087201
>I don't know if you remember but I told you about kissing a friend when i was drunk.

I certainly remember.

>>37087201
>Now she says she's been in love with me since we were in Vancouver (10 years ago). She says she wants to be my gf

What on earth... a fucking decade? What the fuck is wrong with people?

What's wrong with her as a girlfriend?

>>37087259
>So how did you end up at this dinner?

I was invited by people who appreciate me. I didn't do much talking, I rarely do. I talk loads when I'm one on one, though. Once people know that, they know I could talk more, but don't. And it's all OK.

>>37087274

Is there anything else you can do to kill boredom?

>>37087339
No, I always loved the idea of fighting. I want to beat a person almost to death. I will train until I can beat my teacher to absolute death.

>>37087282

You're already a tormented hero.

>>37087138
Hey Nick.

I'll probably get a B- or lower. EE stands for my electrical engineering course.

>>37087373

Why?

I do wonder.

>>37087376
Ha. Tormented at least. Still, thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm trying.

>>37085943
When I'm sitting, doing nothing special I get random feelings that I'm tripping balls and my head feels like it weighs nothing. It makes me panic because I got super anxious on weed and it feels like that. Is it anxiety or am I due to die soon?

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>>37087305
>What's wrong with her as a girlfriend?
I don't feel sexually attracted to her and I don't want to force her to be in a sexless relationship. Also it's not just her: medication has effectively killed my libido. Even for those women I do feel attracted to I dont get hard-ons, that includes attractive women in porn
Also, I have never gotten over my first love back when I was 12

>>37087388
I don't know. There's something honorable about fighting. Another thing is being able to make a person submit to you is nice. Also just hurting someone. Hurting someone is the main thing.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases
I think everyone can probably benefit from reading and carefully considering this list.
If you feel like saying, which did you last/most often notice in yourself?

>>37087456
Oh, I forgot. A backup birth control. [spoiler/]FALCON PUNCH!

>>37087430

Could be a mix of anxiety and derealisation. The latter comes from the former.

>>37087339
>I was invited
Well shit. I only have 3 friends close enough to invite me to things. And none of us ever do because we all work different times and one friend is Nat. Guard so he loses plenty of time.

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>>37087456
>Hurting someone is the main thing.

I know just the game.

>>37087456
I can relate to all of these. You may also be surprised how quickly you will learn a degree of humility. If you can kick your instructor's ass without years upon years of training find another school immediately. Also, and this is personal taste only, grappling feels great. Still go with whatever feels right and don't be afraid to try a bunch of different things. Just avoid sports where a point is earned just by touching the opponent i.e. a lot of taekwondo.

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>>37087285
>Could this be related with the fact that you won't show your damn art when asked?
I don't think so, since it's posted on the internet and some of my friends have seen my drawings, maybe in the future Nick,

also I hope that with
>talent
you meant the same thing as our friend in the pic here

>>37087499

That's a huge list. There's a book called You Are not So Smart, which deals with cognitive biases and various psychological experiments; it's a fun read and not at all aggressive despite the title. I enjoyed read this a whole lot.

>>37087538

Coworkers invited me.

>>37087565
I was thinking about wrestling, or something like it so I could get some gains and throw people.

>>37087578

I have zero talent in art, even after trying a lot.

I still want to see your work! Stop playing hard to get, dammit.

>>37087635
we should start a fight club
hurting others and defeating problems

>>37087659
>I have zero talent in art, even after trying a lot.
well you see
no one has talent in a skill
the only talent you can have is never giving up in it
keep going, endure

>>37087697

Show me your art. Just do it.

>>37087663
I tried that with my friend. It doesn't work with friends.

>>37087617
Same here. That's why I went out Friday, boss wanted to hang out. Lesson for everyone jobless here: if you want to work somewhere be willing to scrub the shitter. Boss sees you willing to scrub the damn toilet they'll take you in. Also been analyzing myself and still cannot find out how to mitigate my irrational (albiet somewhat warrented) fear of relationships.

>>37087499
that is one long ass list. i'll start working my way through it

>>37087635
Wrestling is an absolutely great sport. I'm from the UK so we don't have it here, but it's in large part indistinct from judo in terms of techniques, which is what I practise, minus the pyjamas. The biggest difference is that because of the Olympics we can no longer shoot for the legs which sucks. Anyway if you look at the Russians' judo they dominate because they're heavily influenced by traditional wrestling. Makes the Japanese salty as fuck.

>>37087733
well, good then
since I don't think that we are friends

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>>37087757
>implying Japan isn't an island of salt

>>37087741
>how to mitigate my irrational (albiet somewhat warrented) fear of relationships.

Focus on what you want from a relationship, heed red flags, don't sell yourself short.

>>37085943
>Wageslave who lives with parents
>Work 12 hours a day monday->friday
>Come home today
>woke up at 6am came home 7pm
>eat
>go into my room fire up my pc
>dad comes in
>yells at me because I AM (ME) paying the internet bill
>wants me to change it to his bank account
>I hesitate that I want to pay for it bcs I use it the most
>gets angry calls me a worthless piece of shit
>go ahead and surf the internet after he leaves my home
>not even 10 minutes later
>mom comes in
>why are you playing games all the time you like the computer more than us and all that bullshit
>tell her that if she is not okay with it I promise that I will leave in 1 year (here in germany we have an education system of 3 years learning a job)
>keeps telling me that the "pc" destroyed me making me fat, losing friends and all that bullshit
>I snap
>not even fucking 1 hour in the house and both of them shit on me
>call her pieces of shit who never cared about me
>tell her that I wont forget that they treated me like shit when I was young
>tell her that I know tha you both are psychopaths using me as a ventile for your aggressions since I was born
>PROMISE her that I will leave her and she will never hear of me again in 1 year when I finish my "job degree"


My parents are top notch psychopaths, mom was 10/10 Stacy in her younger years, dad an alpha chad, I know that they are angry that I somehow turned into an obese ugly manlet robo. I pay for all my shit have no financial help from them (expect that I pay no rent for my 7qm (SEVEN) room. (they dont want money from me I would pay)

I dont eat their food because my mom cant cook for shit, basically I just co-life with them. These people always treated me like and and expect me to tread them like gods now.

>>37087781
They're a silly old bunch, the Nips

>>37087774
I was going to say the same thing, but I didn't.

>>37087516
Thanks. Does it have any sort of possible physical root? Or is this defo anxiety? I mean I'm 20 and recovering from an operation if that matters, and I feel shit for seeking medical advice online but I don't want to be laughed out of my GPs office

>>37087812

Your parents are narcs, pretty sure. Look it up. Psychopaths, probably not, but definitely narcissists, in the clinical sense.

Besides, electricity bill is not much at all. Ask to see the bill. If they do show you, there'll be no way to know how much a computer takes from it anyway, but the whole bill is pretty ridiculous either way. Electricity is cheap.

Best thing you can do is consider your parents dead and not take them too seriously. You must protect your mind at all cost.

You've already done the hard part: figuring them out.

Now watch some Richard Grannon on YouTube, that should help a little.

>>37087899
>Does it have any sort of possible physical root? Or is this defo anxiety?

Anxiety is physical. I doubt there's a physical origin, however. That would depend on how you feel exactly.

>>37087800
That's what I'm getting to. How do approach people when I know virtually nobody and have 0 conversational topics or skill? I don't go out anywhere except work(all guys, its IT wtf did you expect?), practice(sensei and I graduated together, only 2 students older than 17 and they're both 40+ married guys), and here? I have nothing in common to go out and meet people, and there's nothing in this entire half of the state. To top it off I'm too poor to move anywhere, and when this internship finally goes somewhere around August I'll be at $9/hr.

>>37087812
Christ, that sounds like my life.

My parents never really put any time into raising me anything but they like to criticize every "mistake" I make.

>>37087967

Surely there must be lonely women where you are.

>>37087829
This is true. But they make much more entertaining media than the West.

>>37088008

Various resources, haven't posted that in a while:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/

Read whatever feels relevant.

>>37087929
My mother came from a rich family, my father was from a poor as fuck family, somehow he managed to get her, promised her all the shit she wanted, she never got it, he hit her, treated her like shit, was always away when I was younger. Basically he worked all week long wasn't at home we saw him only during weekends. My mother grew up with me alone, my father forced her to stay at home and no go out when he isn't at home. I really love and really fucking hate my mother at the same time, I knew she "sacrifised" everything for me when I was younger but while getting older I think she lost it and started picking on me. It's weird to explain, but I knwo the root is my father and I will never in my life forgive him. He is such a fucking psychopath dude, when we have guests or are outdoors he acts like the coolest dad and best husband in this world. Motherfucker. He is just talk and nothing more.

I'm basically at the point where I just want to finish my degree and find an "ok" paying job where I have more time for myself. I need to figure my life out, this is definetly not the Job I wanted to do (forwarding agent) ( I was forced because I wanted to leave this house as fast as possible)

>>37088035
Sure. Lonely single mothers. Who several had their first kid as young as 13-14. One had 2 kids before she graduated high school. I like kids and all, but I couldn't love a kid that isn't mine, and a child doesn't deserve to be harshly judged like that from a parent figure, especially for something outside the kid's control. But women like that are literally damaged goods.

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>>37088051
Thank you, reading the links now. This is my first time posting in one of these threads. Could I know a little more about your history; how you got here, what your life was like, what inspired you to keep these running? I've always been curious.

>>37088086

Never forget that your mother was an adult who could make her own choices; she wasn't a child. Her responsibility was to make sure you could grow up in peace, security, and happiness. She failed you, you must not feel bad about her, she could have chosen otherwise. You couldn't choose anything else.

I'm with you.

>>37088138
Oh boy you about to get rolled by the feels train.

>>37088045
No argument from me, I'm no stranger to a Chinese cartoon or two of a weekend

>>37088051
Last one is down I think

>>37088138
>Could I know a little more about your history;

I'll give you the short version.

Last November, everything in my life came to an end, to the point where I still haven't stopped derealising from it. I lost my fiancee literally days before we were supposed to marry; we had planned to have children.

Months of dreadful suffering followed for everyone, until I had to drive her to the airport, to part forever, while she still loved me, while I couldn't imagine not taking care of her, not living with her, after 7 years in a relationship.

After that, and much more I can't detail here, I was left agonising and started running these threads to do something that could take away the pain for some time. Once on holidays, I did this ten hours a day or more, every day. I'm back to work so I can't be as dedicated anymore.

>>37088231

Fuck, you're right. It was so damn hard finding anything about C-PTSD. I'm upset.

Have read through the BPD links.

But how would BPD be on an introverted male?

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>>37088380

And that's just the summary.

>>37088232
What happened to her? I'm sorry for your loss man

>>37088452
>But how would BPD be on an introverted male?

Easily: you act in. Hurt yourself, hate yourself, etc, instead of acting out.

Nobody would ever know.

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>>37088465

I betrayed her and destroyed all her dreams. She then left.

>>37088490

Sounds like me somehow.

>Hate myself

>Ends up neglecting myself

>Hate myself again because of my bad habits

>Want to change

>Ends up doing nothing again.


I also end up being suspicious towards my close friends in periods of time. I notice that somedays I literally think of them as demi-gods and then I see that they're not that perfect and I end up devaluing them. It's quite annoying not being able to hold a stable view on those who are around me. But its not noticeable for anyone except myself.

>>37088560
Just saw the image. Would you mind telling me about what you did? Did you cheat on her constantly or was it a wild night?

Making progress here guys! I ended up getting accepted back into school and am enrolled for the summer and the fall. I've also been really proactive about getting a job around campus for the summer and have put in a few apps over the past couple days, and even emailed a few old professors to talk about career stuff and they remember me and would love to see me. I had been in a rut for the past month or so because I was anxious about getting back in and the girl I was kinda sorta seeing decided she didn't want anything to do with me anymore but I feel like I'm on the right path now for the first time in years.

>>37088584
>I literally think of them as demi-gods and then I see that they're not that perfect and I end up devaluing them

I'm especially interested in this.

>idealisation, devaluation, discard

That's the usual cycle. I believe I've been through it. It's very painful, because I am being hated for things I haven't done, and made to pay for it, though I did my best.

You most likely have some Borderline traits.

I'd like to talk about my issues but just looking at this thread it feels like I'm just one of way too many, some with much more important problems.

This is probably the reason why until now I never posted in these.

>>37088608

I fell in love with someone else but could not resolve to abandon her after all we'd been through together, all we had built, and all the projects we had together, including future studies for her and everything. So I chose not to leave her, and not to leave the other.

It was neither a wild night nor constant cheating. I had a secret relationship, which may be worse than both.

>>37088651

Yeah I really hate it when I see that I am devaluating my closest friends.

Because I know that I'm wrong but I can't help with the negative thoughts coming. I just have to wait until I "love" them again.

>>37088673
You're like me way back when. Just post your problems man. Worst-case senario you get no reaponses, best case we actually help.

>>37088673
Same here.

I feel like I can't contribute any useful advice because I'm stuck in a rut too but at least I can give some genuine (you)s.

Well

Last year was a bit of a nightmare, grand mother died, had to sell her house (in which I spent a good chunk of my childhood). Bought a big city flat with the money hoping being right in the city would boost social life.
It didn't change a damm thing, I couldn't sleep in that place, it was too big, too dark, was gloomy at night. Turns out it also had massive leaks into the neighbour below. The seller knew of it, tried to fix it himself, gave up and put it up for sale as in mint condition... Lawyer is currently seeking damages and a refund... Meanwhile the tax man thinks I am rich because hurrrdurr property... Never mind I am now close to broke...

I am stuck at my family house until I gather mental strength to go back to my previous flat. Trying to kick a benzo addiction of about 20 years. Insomnia, random emotions, and realizing I've really fucked up my life for 20+ years now.
Trying to get back in touch with the only woman I am 100% I ever loved, she ignores me. Don't blame her.

People who avoided before still avoid me. When I ask them why they always act awkward in my presence, they ignore me altogether... These are people I never even really talked to before. I don't get it, they just give me the stink eye...

I am starting to realise there is no getting back from this. It's never gonna get better. I'll never get a happy ending with the one woman I truly loved. I'll never get back those wasted years...

>>37088752
So what happened to this 'mistress' after your fiancee left you?

>>37088631
Congratulations! Good to know someone's making genuine progress.

>>37088825
Do you think they avoid because of the addiction or were they avoidant before too?

>>37088673

Everyone downplays their own stuff. Judge only by how affected it made you.

Some people won't be affected by going to war, for various reasons, others will be affected by "less"; and still other forms of trauma can be much more impactful while less spectacular. Narc abuse for decades can have insane effects on a person.

>>37088631
Cool! That's an awesome response from your profs

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Depression's gone mostly, just replaced with moodswings, so not really gone I suppose, just reborn.
Its nice to feel mostly stable until a memory bubbles up from the dark.
DBT is going ok so far, one-on-one therapy next week. Should be fun. Not sure I can open up to a male doc. Worth a shot.
Now I'm just busying myself playing lover and savior to my Argentina boy and big brother to a fembot in the next town.
Branding calls out to be touched up.
HOWS LIFE EVERYONE

>>37088758
>I just have to wait until I "love" them again.

The one who hates me has done so for months now. I doubt it'll ever change.

How do you love people again?

>>37088825
Forgot to mention I have a rare type of heart defect that will simply shorten my lifespan... In fact I should have died long ago

>>37088167
No Game No Life second season soon.
>>37088752
Hey Nick I think you dropped me here:
>>37088112
interested in your opinion.

>>37088826

She cut me off permanently and has been ignoring me since. Also threatened me legally if I do as much as say hi to her. It's been one awkward bunch of months.

>>37088953

>How do you love people again?

Usually just force myself to hang out with them and after some time it clicks and I view them positively again, Because they are my friends. So at the end I know that they like me and I like them.

>>37088900
As far as I aware nobody but family is aware of my addiction. I think I manage to put on a good front. In fact I have specialised in that. I lie all the time about myself, I pretend, hoping to make it

>>37088976
Thanks for the heads up, will definitely catch it. I think Himouto 2 and Overlord 2 are probs my most anticipated at the moment but I have a fairly hearty backlog to get through.

>>37088112
I agree, that's way too much baggage.

>>37088976

I saw your opinion but had not much to say. You could still make friends with such women.

>>37089002

That won't be an option for me I think.

I'm off to bed, exhausted.

>>37088997
How did you fuck up with her though? I mean you obviously have to stay away from her, but is there no way to mend things with her? I'm not recommending you do even if you can though

>>37089033
Sleep well then Nico

>>37089005
How differently do you behave when you're on drugs?

>>37089019
I could be friends sure if I had anything in common with someone. But I meant more specifically the becoming romantically involved with someone again.

>>37089075
I have no clue what difference there is I have basically been taking benzodiazepines daily for 20 years. I am now starting to lower dosage and I realise they made me emotionally numb... So I am not sure what horrors or treasures they have been covering up...

>>37089034

Talking to her sends her into a rage. Any attempt does, and by now I have had a legal threat. It's absolute madness.

Later, everyone.

>>37089033
Good night Nick, glad you ran a thread today. If you need me you know how to get in touch.

>>37088796
Well there is not much to tell really.
Same shit as everyone. Felt totally empty for a few years now. last time I was happy was about 3 years ago when I was with my exgf which I left because I couldnt take the stress of actual relationship.
Since then it's just a rollercoaster of shit.
I started smoking and drinking alot, wearing weird shit, mostly just to distance myself of average crowd. Also started selfharming, but I kind f got out of that not long ago.

I have a few friends that are pretty much chads so they try to hook me up with normal girls, those later realize that Im a total fuckup and rather hang out with them.
I've tried talking about this to my friends but they most dont want to get caught up in my shit, I dont really blame, I wouldnt know what to do either.
Just as everyone here I only wish I had someone to help me, someone to tell me that Im not fine and I need to do something about it. Someone that really cares. Someone to make me feel happiness again.

Thats about it. Nothing interesting. Nothing new. Just same shit as everyones here

>>37089129
Take care, thanks for sharing

>>37089169
Do you like normal girls though?

>>37089169
Why do you want to distance yourself?

>>37089193
I dont even know. I find it really hard to realize what I really want. Every time someone asks me what makes me happy I just dont know what to say.
It's the same with girls. I grew so distant from people that I cant be sure now.

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There is no real discussion in this thread. Just Nick prostrating himself before the masses of onlookers wanting to get some jollies at best, some ego-stroking at worst, while everyone pretends to have any actual help or concern.
Whats the point.
I suppose im just jealous that y'all have ongoing relations i suppose, but none of this seems particularly helpful for anybody in the long run.

>>37089129
Goodnight. It was nice talking to you. :)

>>37089234
Im not sure, I've started to notice that I just generally hate happy people. my friends (even those chads) have a lot of issues on their own, we dont talk about it but I know they do, once you feel that way you start noticing it on other people too.
thats pretty much why I hang out with them.
I just cant stand other people. maybe Im just jealus because their lifes are good. Maybe it's because I think they don't see things as I do, I dont know.

(btw, I'll start using name for the sake of easier conversation)

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>>37089278
>ongoing relationships

I don't anon, but what were you looking for exactly? Maybe we can discuss something

>>37089360
I don't get how people can handle life and remain happy....

>>37089360
Nice name choice. As I see it you actually may have depression. Therapy and/or meds may be able to help you. This is of course internet advice and needs to be taken with a grain of salt but get yourself checked.

>>37089533
I've thought about it before. But I'm still a student, still very depending on my parents so I dont think I'd finacially make it without anyone knowing, I dont even know where to start with getting help, probably wouldn't even convince myself to do it.
And I won't ask my parent for help either because my relationship with them has always been kind of strange, I wouldnt want to make things even more wierd between us.

It's took me long time to even start sharing my problems on a bloody anonymous board. I cant imagine talking about it with someone face to face.

>>37089828
I understand. It used to be tough for me to even talk to people face-to-face.

>>37089957
Guess theres not much of a way out of this, is there

>>37090108
Not really. You have a few choices in front of you. You can either continue as you have been, being miserable and hating everyone. Or, you can get help and get better. Not saying it is an immediate choice, I've already decided I'm stuck in the first until I can afford the second. But even making the decision to eventually go is a step in the healing direction

>>37090220
I don't know. Sometimes I feel lik this is the way it's supposed to be. maybe this is the reality.
Maybe being happy is just lying to myself long enough to actually believe it. Taking meds scares me too. It seems like just being drugged enough not to care.

It's like changing this will make me into a different person. Me wont be me anymore.
Just someone way too deep in their lies.

>>37090388
I can't argue your stance on drugs. I can barely force myself to take meds for a headache, much less anything serious. But your mind's default isn't supposed to be unhappy. Default should be more upbeat and happy, not hating everything and everyone. I know exactly how it feels, been fighting with depression since 2012, was full suicidal in 2013/14. Was too much a bitch to pull the trigger though so I'm still here.

>>37090669
Glad to see you are.

Anyway, It's been really good talking to someone who understands. Doesnt happen very often these days.
But it's 1 in the morning here so I should go to bed. maybe i'll write something again in other one of these threads.
Maybe I'll actaully change my way of thinking, who knows.

So see you later and good night or whatever it is at your place. it's been nice

>>37090876
Same to you Atlas. See you next time hopefully.

I've been depressed since middle school. I don't know how it happened. I would just come home masturbate and sleep. Now I'm 22 and I think I've run out of life.