Psychological Issues #56

Hay Nick,
I'm feeling extremely like shit,
I've been wanting to talk to you the whole day and now I'm not even sure what I want to say.
One of the many things is:
a friend of a friend is a better artist than me, and offered his help, but I couldn't say yes,
I don't know what's stopping me, all I know is that even just thinking about when he asked me that makes me anxious.

There are many other stuff going on in my mind right now, all sad stuff, I'm finding myself wondering if when I smile I'm really happy or if it's always a facade.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIiUqfxFttM

>>36869693
Wow I remember when you used to do fit threads. You are so pathetic.

It's ridiculous how hung up I get on trivial things like winning all of the minigames in a video game. I'm absolutely bummed out right now.

>>36869833
>I've been wanting to talk to you the whole day and now I'm not even sure what I want to say.

[email protected]

You can always write, I will always read.

Say yes to your friend, figure out why you'd say no when he's around.

>>36869849
>Wow I remember when you used to do fit threads. You are so pathetic.

I don't quite see the connection. The fit threads were pretty cool and informative. This is more my expertive, though.

>>36869881
I can't say yes, I have some sort of weird mix of anxiety and fear that stops me

>>36869892
>This is more my expertive
Reading a bunch of articles on the internet doesn't make you an expert

>>36869860

That may be a good sign.

I'm struggling hard today, not at minigames, either.

How are you besides bummed out?

>>36869900

What happens if you say yes, in theory? With him and you, I mean.

Fuck, I'm late. Hey you guys.

>>36869925
>Reading a bunch of articles on the internet doesn't make you an expert

Indeed. That's clearly not where I get my expertise from.

>>36869967

Hey you Eh.

>>36869977
How are you Nick?

>>36869959
he probably tells me a couple of things about drawing and I might improve.
I understand that nothing bad happens, and that it's fucking stupid to refuse, but fore some fucking reason I can't find the strength to say yes.

Here's a random test I saw in another thread.
http://www.celebritytypes.com/gender/test.php

It's always fun when you're refreshing the first page and this thread pops up.

>>36870009
>refreshing the first page
What kind of fucking cuck are you?

>>36870028
A cuck who refreshes the first page.

Hello
>>36870028
Care to tell us what's on your mind? If you wanna talk, there's plenty of people here willing to talk back

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>>36870006
This might be one of the dumber tests I've seen posted ITT to be honest.

Also how is everyone? Personally my ears are ringing and my lip is bleeding. I shouldn't have started reading through /r9k/ again, it's obviously not good for me.

>>36869981

After a peaceful Sunday, for the most part, I'm having a painful Monday. I have constant nausea and have actually retched a few times today, including during work hours, which means I had to abandon my students to go hurl. Happened a few times.

Puked just before too. This isn't going well, but at least it's somewhat novel in intensity.

>>36869984

Just say yes. Do it.

>>36870028

Meming this soon?

>>36870152
I want to because it makes no sense not to, but I can't and I'm not sure why

>>36870102
Do you enjoy your work? You're a teacher aren't you?

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>>36870100

I agree. Pretty funny because I sound and look nothing like a woman.

>>36870182

Then just do it, don't overthink it. Let it go, say yes, move on.

>>36870212

I would if the circumstances were OK. I used to love my job and I used to enjoy doing it very much. It's just harder now, but it's still great, depends very much on the class you teach. It's never quite the same.

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first time posting here

just found out i have chron's disease, which probably explains the depersonalisation/brain fog, 6'1/60kg and pain.
It's pretty good to know what's wrong with you

>>36870231
I can't just so it, the only idea of it makes me feel bad

>>36870235

Crohn's disease doesn't cause derealisation, but it may be linked to anxiety issues which do cause it.

I'm sorry about that. Are you sure it's Crohn's disease and not other similar conditions?

>>36870276
oh sorry i didn't go into detail that i'm 60kg because of malnutrition, so that probably causes those symptoms

got diagnosed by GP with endoscopy

>>36869929
Sorry to hear you're struggling. Would you like to talk about it more? I beat the minigame.

Had an odd experience last night. Sometimes on the edge of sleep I have vivid 'memories' (flashbacks?) that come seemingly from nowhere and cause me to twitch/ convulse. Here's what happened, since I took notes on my phone:

>First, remember a set of shelves from one of my childhood homes I think. Made of light wood. Possibly containing writing materials, crayons etc
>Then I'm in the foyer of another childhood home
>The dog room, we called it
>Long mirror on one wall
>Small pen covering half the floor
>Beyond that, it's just coats and shoes
>Opposite the door to the building is the door to the kitchen
>There's a window positioned over the sink that allows a person over the sink to watch the dog room
>Child's voice ( mine?) says 'No, I would NEVER do that!'
>A washing up bowl is turned outside down. Water and contents fall out
>'No, not that. Please!'

A bit cliched I think but I'm still not clear on it. What's more, there's something I can't 'look at' in the 'dream' - to the right of the kitchen door I believe that there's another door to a cupboard of a cellar, but I can't be certain of that. It might have just been a row of coat hooks.

The fact that it made me convulse a lot makes me think it was more than a dream or a memory, but exactly what I couldn't really say. Perhaps just memories and thoughts firing off.

>>36870231
Yes, I can only imagine..

>>36870333

Check'em. How about that malnutrition?

>>36870363
>Would you like to talk about it more?

Sure.

What do you make of that dream?

>>36870397
I was told that because crohns inflames the sma intestine, it's much harder to digest certain food with high insoluble fibre.
It's nice you're interested :)

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Last couple months I've had an overwhelming need for physical contact. I would love to have sex, but at point I would just settle for a cuddle while watching TV or whatever. I miss it so much. I'm not attractive but not maimed either, not obese, not smelly, have my own place. I don't know how to meet people anymore. I've got a couple matches on Tinder but only one replied and still hasn't returned my last message (no, I haven't bombarded her with messages or done any of the dumb shit people like me usually do).
Friends? Only a couple. After a few betrayals (one fucked me over with a dream job, another stiffed me with some recording equipment for Youtube, another one got married and invited everyone but me), my already meager """friend""" list got thinned out.
My anxiety around people has gotten so bad that I can't even speak over mic in online games, afraid that they'll make fun of my accent or that I'll choke when my team needs me.
I just want a girl to hold my hand and tell me everything's going to be fine. I'm so tired

>>36870512
My name got deleted for some reason.

>>36870512
Are you sure you only need physical contact? It seems as though you'd just like someone who cares about you, correct me if I'm wrong?

>>36870475

I'm not expert on it beyond the basics. Have you seen another doctor for a second opinion? Crohn's is a pretty serious disease for all I know.

I've been waiting for this thread all day and now i have nothing to complain about, damn.
I really need a real hobby, not that escapism shit I've been doing all day.

>>36870512
Be more brave Peter.
I generally love speaking to people with accents, they're more fun to talk and listen to.
If it'd help you can do certain activities to enhance your self esteem.
If you'd talk more you'd notice that most people don't mind accents much.
Except for the narcs

>>36870102
That sucks man. I hope you get better real soon.

>>36870512


Some of those weren't friends to begin with, goddam.

Why do men who want a serious relationship use Tinder over the other dating websites?

The more demanding the website, the more likely you'll find serious women who want more than just hookups.

>>36870731
>The more demanding the website, the more likely you'll find serious women who want more than just hookups.
And the higher their standard will be.

Still struggling with nausea. This is the first time it's so strong and lasts so long. Normally, I get it in the morning, retch a few times and then it's either OK for the day, or I struggle through the morning, and then it's fine.

I had it nonstop for most of the afternoon today.

>>36870799
>And the higher their standard will be.

Which is where you'll have more success.

>>36870815
are you sure you're not pregnant

>>36870815
>Which is where you'll have more success.
I'm just not gonna respond. You probably don't need another danrail.

>>36870815
You just described the symptoms of aids, sorry nicky but you'll be leaving soon, i envy you.

>>36870853

I thought of it, with all those mood swings, nausea, faintings, and tears. I do feel like a raging pregnant Borderline teenage nutter.

And there's this:

>>36870216

>>36870894

Even if it was AIDS, it wouldn't make me leave any time soon. Your humor license, however, is expiring soon, no doubt.

It's all psychological in origin. I have zero doubt about that. Brain bits got ravaged for months, hyperactive amygdala and all. The effects are very much physical.

I'm considering writing to my superior about it. I'm not sure.

>>36870948
Im not a psychiatrist or a physician, but sound like you need a vacation mang, you might be under lots of stress.
Take a break for a week and see if you get any better.

on a side note, I drew a thing today,
just a sketch but it made me feel better

>>36871032

Holidays are worse for me. I've tried. 2 weeks: all I did was this thread from being awake to being asleep.

I'm an absolute C-PTSD mess currently. But at least I know what's going on.

>>36871077

Show!

>>36871077
Cute dubs, whaf did you draw, can we have a look?

pic kr it didn't happen

>>36869693
Hey Nick how's the thread?

>>36871107
I meant a real vacation, relieve yourself from all commitments.
No internet, no phone, go someplace nice and enjoy life, maybe you'll meet some interesting people along on the journey.

>>36870475
>>36870588
IIRC Crohn's is detected through X-ray and comes in waves. If he sticks to the diet and takes his anti-inflammatories he should be fine most of the time.

>>36870431
As to the dream, I'm not sure. It could be something and nothing. It reminds me that I was often small and frightened, and that there are probably a lot of things I'd blocked out. Remember the recent incident with my mother and her turning to me for answers, and it set me off again? I blocked that out for about a week right after it happened.

>>36871107
>>36871110
It's just a pic of a deer, nothing special, and I'd rather not post it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COrWcC5lfas

>>36871144

It's bumping.

>>36871150

I don't imagine I'd enjoy that. My current state makes it so that I need hyper stimulation like this thread and other things otherwise I'm in mental pain constantly. I can't enjoy reading a book or taking a bath, or watching a film. None of that is possible or has been for months. Outside of helping people and communicating with humans, there is only pain.

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>>36870216
>8% Masculine
>19% Feminine

>Masculine: Very low
>Feminine: Very low

REEEEEEEEEEE what does that mean?
Do I hate women because I hate myself?

>>36871200

I like deer, please post.

My LO's best drawing was probably one with deer.

My last moments of peace last summer were when I played some hunting video game. Hours every day.

>>36871150
>go someplace nice and enjoy life
Damn, as if it was that simple

>>36871200
Nice, nostalgic - I prefer Dean Martin though

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>>36871200
Come on anon, post it, we won't think any less of you.

I drew this in uni and im pretty proud of it.

>>36871275
>Do I hate women because I hate myself?

That wouldn't be unusual.

I know what's wrong with me. I just have my defenses up all the time. I'm always ready for an attacker. I don't care about others, because I could get hurt. I don't think I can ever be fixed. I have suffered emotional trauma that made me bitter, not weak. It always hurts though.

>>36869981
Hey it's you again. Fuck you cunt, go fuck yourself you piece of shit, hope you die

I've gotten so paranoid that I've covered every mirror in my room with brown paper

I couldn't stop checking that there was nobody there

This isn't fun :<

>>36871254
What do you do for entertainment then?
You can't be lurking here all day in your free time.
Can you?

>>36871280
Definitely isnt as simple, but worth a shot, I'd want to go on a slavic country tour someday and enjoy the culture there, someday, don't think I'd be happy or anything but it's something different.
Can't stay here and feel emptyness all my life.

>>36871304

Try getting your brainbits stimulated by magnetic thingies and see what happens. People like you (and I), have had our brain bits shrunk, and made hypersensitive to threats of any kind.

Your disconnection with your feelings may result from imposing distance to those hyperactive brainbits.

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>>36871351

Any obvious origin to your paranoia?

>>36871357
>What do you do for entertainment then?
>You can't be lurking here all day in your free time.
>Can you?

I can. It's what I did during my last holidays. I was on duty 10 to 18 hours a day. It's all documented in the archives. Almost 1 post per minute, for 10 hours and more. I fear that I'll spend the summer doing this.

>>36871304
I've actually been reading an interesting book on this subject. It's about different types of people - considering their attachment "style", I guess that's a nice way to put it.
If what you wrote is true - you might be the avoidant one - you are afraid of opening up due to the possibility of getting terribly hurt - of course, this is because your past experiences
Keep in mind, I haven't finished the book

>>36870587
Yeah, I mean, my family cares about me, but they're busy with my brother who is a worse failure than me. I do miss the warmth, both physical and psychological, of a woman who gives a crap.

>>36870598
I used to work out daily and lost a lot of weight, but then one day I just stopped because my willpower died off. I don't know, it's a vicious cycle I guess. And I've always been awful at public speaking but now I'm even having issues talking to people while doing errands at the bank or whatever. It's gotten pretty bad.

>>36870731
I don't live in North America/Europe, so there isn't a dating website culture. Right now, I don't care if it gets serious or not, as long as I find someone who I don't disgust and is willing to hang out with me without me (directly) paying for it. Hell, I'd be willing to do long distance with someone in a different continent. A friend who is twice my weight found himself a beautiful Puerto Rican woman who has now moved in with him. He's also the one who fucked me over with the job.

>>36871385
>>36871351

Nope, nothing I can think of. I recently came off Duloxetine, I think the withdrawal is over though. That's the only major thing that's happened

>>36871357
Yes, change can be good, always worth a shot.

>>36871351
Mirrors suck

>>36871321
I don't care. I just don't care.

wat do if sad?

Only posted once but this thread is kinda comfy and always positive so I dig it.
Just posted >>36871218. Currently waiting to hear back from the school I got kicked out of whether I can take classes in the summer or not. I feel like I have a good chance and that there's nothing I can do but wait but it's still kind of unnerving. I know my life isn't over if they don't take me back, but I'm not sure exactly what my next step is if they don't. I have a couple of back up plans but they're both less than ideal.

>>36871420

When did paranoia start?

>>36871455

Call Pocahontas. Cuddle in the forest.

>>36871493
About 2 weeks ago, just minor stuff like checking behind me. It slowly ramped up to last night, where I didn't manage to get a second of sleep for the constant fear that there was *something*

What do you do when you're a senior in high school (18), have no friends and no happy end in sight?
I have so many problems I can't go into them, a major one being my parents who won't let me use my car because I came home drunk a few nights ago. I feel tortured by everyone around me.

>>36871455
Occupy your time, talk to someone, seek a psychiatrist's help.
Don't loathe around doing nothing, it'll only make things worse.
Being depressed, your mind tries to convince you that you're better off like this, alone and miserable, it certainly isn't helping, its delusion.

at least that was my experience

>>36871254
Good. At work so slow responses.

>>36871361
So get industrial magnets, and smash them against my head?

>>36871471
>Only posted once but this thread is kinda comfy and always positive so I dig it.

We need more Pepe's in comfy situations. I had a huge collection of Pepe's on my old computer. I'll get it back some day.

In the meantime, post some frogs.

>>36871516

That may pass, then, and it may be connected to withdrawal.

>>36871517

You're 18, if it's your car, you don't need permission.

>>36871552
Back up plans?

>>36871551

Kek, no. I forget the exact name of that therapy. Electromagnetic stimulation, I think.

>>36871566

For my computer?

>>36871563
I hope so.

It'll come back when I'm inevitably re-medicated for muh depressionz

I hate meds so much at this point. At least I'm not hallucinating a goblin king as I did with my first antidepressant :^)

Work is pretty stressful for parts of me. And today was the first day I had to run a group my myself.

>>36871592
>At least I'm not hallucinating a goblin king as I did with my first antidepressant :^)

What were you on?

>>36871574
Transcranial magnetic stimulation. They offer it at the main campus of the hospital I work for.

>>36871616
Ecitalopram, but a metric shittonne of it

>>36871574
Oh, shock therapy? That's basically what it is, right?

>>36871588
Whoops wrong thread, my bad.
Meant this one:
>>36871471
>I have a couple of back up plans
Yess?

>>36871639
No, ECT and TMS are two different things.

>>36871655
Okay, thanks for clearing it up.

>>36871639

No, very different.

Electromagnetic is not electric.

>>36871683
well, if you want to get technical...

My therapist still doesn't give me a diagnostic or anything. I know she isn't into diagnostics, but fuck, I want some official, professional opinion.

Every time I mean to ask her, but it never happens for some reason.

I'm back with my gender dysphoria. Sorry for disappearing.

Confession: My latest trigger was a post online about a mom who was depressed her son was a trans/trap. She was cute as fuxk, it made me envious..jealous...angry.....i wanted to kill myself.

>>36871552
I have no frogs these days, I don't normally go on 4chan anymore outside of lurking on /mu/, /lit/, and /sci/. Sometimes I come back to /r9k/ when the feels hit.
>>36871648
I might transfer out of my university to a smaller college nearby. The tuition would be less but the school's a lot less competitive. Plus, I know my major GPA is still pretty decent even with how bad I fucked up last semester that if I get my shit together for the next year or so, I can still get into a less competitive grad school or maybe a job in industry. Outside of that, I know I can move back home and live with my parents and go to school around there so I don't have to pay rent, but I also know living back home has a high chance of throwing me back into the years of depression that I moved out to get away from.

>>36871863

Have you considered taking medication that will make your brain match your sex?

God damn, I'd love to kill people. It's getting increasingly worse, but the rate is very slow.

>>36871863
I've read about plenty of reasons for wanting to end the suffering but by far, this is the most pathetic.

>>36871895

Bort, it's always the same reason: pain. You don't get to call anyone else's pain pathetic.

I know you're a callous one and fail at empathy, but keep yourself in check. We don't judge others' pain here.

>>36871892
Is it a constant feeling or do you have bursts of anger/need to kill?

>>36871884
Is there literally such a thing?

>>36871944
Lol its called a healthy dose of reality.

>>36871914
I judge others pain here. Mostly because everyone else has been through much worse shit than me

>>36871944

Yes. It sells for much less than a sex change operation, so it's less advertised. I forget what it is exactly, maybe mere hormones, but maybe something more sophisticated.

>>36871892
I was bemoaning the fact that I didn't get into the military in relation to this yesterday. So it goes eh?

>>36871895
Most pathetic I've heard was some spoiled rich girl whose parents would only hire two limos and not 3 for a sweet sixteen or something like that.

>>36871956

If reality could be taken as meds, it'd sell a lot, but that's not so simple.

>>36871961
>I judge others pain here. Mostly because everyone else has been through much worse shit than me

Says everyone here.

>>36871934
It's a burst, but it's extremely frequent.

>>36871966
Ok, that easily takes the cake, the table, and the whole party.

I'm probably going to bed in about a few minutes.

I'm exhausted.

>>36871563
I didn't buy the car, it's theirs. Also what do about no friends?

>>36871999

Kek be praised, max trips. 00.1% probability. Thank you, Lord Kek.

>>36872004
Join clubs, see online, join whatever, contact whoever, see old friends, see their friends, etc.

>>36871966
It's a pretty frequent feeling. I don't know if I will snap, but I kind of want to.

>>36871981
Compared to people like you and Facet and a few others I've lived life on fucking easy mode. Sleep good Nick, see ya around.

>>36871965
What would the pills do? Make me even manlier to tbe point of thinking I like being a man?

>>36871982
Are you physically active? Any sport that drains you of energy might help, it helped me with my bursts of anger, and now that I stopped doing sports I get angry more often, the type that makes my chest hurt if I dont do something to alleviate the feeling.

>>36872030

Not sure about that. I estimate pain on the effects it has on the person. Contexts alone don't mean much.

Thank you.

>>36872032

Makes your brain think it's male.

>>36872064
Is there any benefits to it?

>>36872036
Not really, the only thing I can think of is aggressively fucking my girlfriend.

>>36872064
Hey Nick, are psychos basically animals?

>>36872076

Happiness. Harmony. You like who you are.

>>36872093

No, animals have feelings.

>>36872111

Kek be praised.

Getting crazy trips tonight.

>>36872111
They do too. They can get mad and sad.

>>36872064
You're welcome. How do I open up to people again? I can't seem to do it anymore. Its like trying to put my hand on a glowing stove-eye, I literally CANNOT do it

>>36871999
Sleep well, when you go.

>>36872024
I know the feeling.

>>36872030
It is what it is. Perhaps I'll head over to Tumblr for this year's Oppression Olympics. Probably be disqualified for being a FUCKING WHITE MALE though

>>36869969

Dem 6's and 9's.

>>36869977

Dubs.

>>36870588

Dubs.

>>36871588

Dubs.

>>36871833

Christ dubs.

>>36871914

World War I quads.

>>36871999

Trips.

>>36872111

Trips again.

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>>36872162
Gave me a chuckle Facet, thanks. Have some donut steel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpN2XigcrQk

the opposite of what I'm feeling right now, but you have to keep the objective in mind

Time to go. I'll be keeping an eye on the thread.

Post stuff about DID, C-PTSD, and such.

Find me a DID test that's worth it. My state of consciousness is so consistently weird that I'm considering getting my nails DID too.

>>36872226
>find a test
>for the testmaster
>that he likes
Well that's nearly impossible.

Nock remember nyou saod I have the lowest self esteem youve ever seen? What should I do about that?

I zone out as a defense mechanism. Whenever I do something that requires me to talk in front of a group, I zone out hardcore. I usually lose consciousness, and I'm not aware of what's going on. I also zone out to not give a shit about criticism.

>>36872385

You should find out whose voice is shitting on you.

>>36872385
Nick* typing on phone so sorry.

>>36872385
I probably also have the worst spelling desu famalam.

>>36872424
Its fine. I've always posted from mobile here. Here being this board.

hey guys, my problems aren't comparable to anything you guys have but I want to ask this so that I can stop things before they get bad. lately ive been feeling really lonely, like, really lonely and have been hating myself a lot, I no longer look forward to weekends as I no longer play with my friends (there wasn't any of fight or anything its just like i phased out) and sit at my pc on my own doing nothing and suddenly the weekend is over. i don't feel like I'm lost yet and want to know how to stop this fucking shit before it gets out of hand

>>36872528
Are you working or in education? Is there a reason preventing you from reconnecting with your friends if you're feeling lonely? Why do you hate yourself and for how long have you been feeling like this?

>>36872569
i have to move to mobile ill be a few minutes

>>36872184
Fucking kill yourself nick, numbers aren't special. Don't make a post dedicated to them.

>>36872528
The first thing to do may be to reach out to your friends before you lose them. A good way to do that might be to arrange something a little special - a LAN party, laser tag, a meal out - and strengthen your bonds in such a way that they remember that it was your doing. Beyond that, for yourself you would do well to put together a project to work on so that your time doesn't feel wasted. Something that you can devote your spare time to that works toward a tangible outcome that you can feel proud of. For example, restoring a car or building a computer. I have no idea what your interests are, but there's bound to be something appropriate.

>>36872658
Seconded, pham.

>>36872226
They use a bunch of different tests for DID, but I'm not sure they're easily available. I think the dissociative experience index is the name of one of them. I kind of lost count of all the different tests I ended up taking desu. I could probably look it up though.

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>>36872627
>numbers aren't special

You have to go back.

>>36873150
Unless you're on /b/ where everyone is a retard, dubs or higher aren't anything to get worked up about

>>36869693
Had a dream last night that I was with my ex. It was weird because I haven't seen her in three years now and even back then I was never really into her.

Nothing really happened in the dream, all i did was hug her but for some reason that got me really depressed when I woke up.

I guess it's just been so long since anyone has ever shown me that kind of affection.

>>36873190
Unless the dubs are 88, with a 14 in front of them.

>>36873535
Also, therapy was productive, even though the "main" part probably doesn't even remember most of it.

>>36874185
Productive is good. What happened?

>>36874688
He couldn't really talk about the important stuff, like how other parts where finding work to be really stressful, so I too over. I mean, the therapist noticed, but not much would have gotten done if he had gone on with his "work is fine, there's no problems here" bullshit. He's such a fucking social retard at times.

>>36874776
>such a fucking social retard at times.
Hey now I take that one personally.

>>36874822
Sorry, but in this case it was true (forgot my trip, was posting on /k/.) It was so unbearable putting up with him.

>>36875155
Fair enough. This is original

Not looking forward to work tomorrow. It'll be fine, I just don't like going out or trying to appear like a normie. Plus, if there's a uniform I may have to change and expose my scars. That would be bad.

>>36875903
What kind of work do you do? Just curious,

>>36876008
I'd rather not say. Not personal, just paranoia. I will say that I am surrounded by people who are less qualified but far more socially capable than myself though, and that realistically I'll get by on the former but the latter is probably more useful.

>>36876182
I guess I can understand. I tend to be kind of on the paranoid side myself, although admittedly it's kind of pointless with the pics of me at /k/ meet-ups.

>>36869693
1.
>checked
2.
I dont have problems. yet i'm here at 2am, feel empty, started to cut myself today for the first time. really considering suicide because i dont know who i really am, what i'm supposed to do or know how to handle this situation. i started to go to uni 2 years ago (electrical engineering, switched to computer science afterwards) and i'm 22 now and i'm thinking about suicide everyday for a year now. i've come to the point where its really difficult for me to convince myself not to do it, hence the cutting. i started with it because i dont feel any mental emotions except for emptiness. i thought filling the void with physical pain would ease the pain of the emptiness in my mind... but it doesnt. i quit smoking months ago but started again so i have a somewhat constant in my life. that didnt help either. i dont take joy in vidya or anime anymore and stopped watching a year ago and stopped playing 2 months ago. last semester i was super motivated but none of it is left. i have people in my life i could call friends. i have a caring family, who support me in anything i do. i'm not a virgin (bc i live in germany. hookers are legal). i'm 1,82m and 65kg and look average.
I dont understand. Whats wrong with me? Why am I empty, like a hollow doll? i'm also part timing and have a bit of money and bought myself a brand new rig. Why cant i enjoy life like any other normie? am i expecting to much from life? why am i even living? whats the purpose of my life? do i even need a purpose? why do i feel so absurdly depressed then?

my mbti is ISFP if that helps.
i dont want any
>kys
>kek
>depressed normie get out
i really dont have any clue what to do at this point. i tried to change my mindset, restructing my life

>>36876397
Doesn't it worry you since you work in healthcare? Couldn't it cause trouble for you for you to have /k/ meetup pics out there?

>>36877030
>pictures of me dressed in 2hu cosplay

It sounds like an LGBT-based wrongful termination suit to me.

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Hey nick
I don't even know where to start on my issues considering I've been through some fucked up shit but I'll tell you some not too recent events

>me,16 constantly live in a state of misery, anxiety and anger or just major negative emotions
>no matter what I am always suffering from pure o (an extreme form of ocd notably for mostly obessions and not much compulsions)
>My thoughts constantly repeat themselves like a broken record, very rarely I am in a state of peace
>I have endured psychological abuse and manipulation from my father
Just some of the recent things that has happened to me over the years
And now, I don't feel like enduring anymore or fighting I want to die or at least be emotionally numb

>>36877299
Well played. /k/ exceeding expectations once again

>>36877315
hey ozzy,
if you feel emotions youre still able to recover i think. knowing what negative emotions are is very important to understand what happy emotions feel like. it's like yin-yang. if there's negativity, theres positivity somewhere. it might be borrowed underneath all the shit that happened to you recently but try to unborrow it. do you have any hobbies? have you tried to figure out what you want to achieve in your life? like a purpose or something thats precous to you? that might help.
i'm not nick but i can kinda relate to you because i once was at that point in my life. >>36876892 here's my past few years in a nutshell. do you have any specific questions?

>>36877337
I do what's needed. Plus who doesn't like looking cute? Outside of last con I went to where some black people tried getting overly rape-y before I managed to scare them off.

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>>36877545
Jesus Christ it's all just memes until someone gets hurt

>>36877596
I made sure to deescalate the situation. I didn't want to explain to cops why I was standing in front of a couple dead black guys while dressed as a Magical Anime Girl.