Psychological Issues #55

How to fix borderline?

>be hanging out in my home town
>Hear distant yelling
>A fucking nuke just dropped
>As the explosion is getting closer and closer i realize there's nothing i can do to escape
>At least i will die alongside everyone else, i wont be a burden to anyone anymore.
>As im being desintegrated i think to myself that I'm finally dead, never been happier before.
>Wake up.

I wish a nuke will erase us from this gay earth, i am sick of this life.

Good evening everyone.

>>36842419

DBT is reputed for being a worthy help. You can get the book. I hear it's basically about talking to yourself and reminding yourself of what's what, a thing many Borderliners already do by instinct. It was developed by someone with the illness.

I have some of that shit. It's a very variable disorder, though.

What are your symptoms and how intense are they?

>>36842459

How on earth did you get such a trip?

>>36842419
You have to do plenty of mental gymnastics to help get your self straight.

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Start by reading this.

>>36842503
I heard that when you're asleep and your bodily functions stop your brain quickly plots a scene where you die to wake you up.
It felt so real and peaceful too, I wish I haven't woken up.

Normies dream of falling off a tall building usually.

The dream I had before the nuke shit was weird too, I can't remember any of it though, anyone else has weird dreams?

I get constant nightmares of me killing children, one time I dreamt of me bashing a little girl's head with a rock.
It was bloody as hell.

>>36842419
Dbt

I feel like I lack an identity

All this time pretending to be normal, not showing my power level has made me forget so much about myself
It's like im constantly changing (personality, needs, body language etc.) and the only thing that always stays is depression

How do I know what I really am

>>36842605
He meant the tripcode you dumbass

>>36842605
>I heard that when you're asleep and your bodily functions stop your brain quickly plots a scene where you die to wake you

More like your brain reacts to what's happening, and since dream time is much faster than real time, within one second of pissing yourself, for instance, you can have a whole dream that ends with you being wet. Same thing with bodily functions. It's not done to wake you up, it's just reacting to your situation.

Any idea why you dream of murdering little girls?

Drank myself silly again last night. I've drank about 3 litres of Rum this week. Why can't I stop drinking?

I actually think I may have a mental illness, I somehow manage to forget all the trouble alcohol has caused me and almost nonchalantly drink as if nothing bad will happen when I'm drunk, but it always happens. Why can't I understand that?

>>36842702

That sounds like Borderline traits. Confused sense of self.

Do you feel like your parents know who you truly are?

>>36842750

Substance abuse is a symptom of many disorders.

Any other symptoms? Anything unusual?

>>36842758
Haven't got a father and never talked a lot to my mother. Don't think I was taught to share my feelings so I don't, in real life that is

So definitely not

I'm very confused about everything

>>36842726
Oh I'm a fucking idiot.
>in dark alley when I spotted a homeless guy on the verge of death
>offer to take him to the hospital
>he says he's fine, he just haven't eaten in a while
>offer to take him to a nice pizza place that just opened
>"really? You'd do that for me?"
>yup
>he then reveals he's a grand wizard and he was looking for people with a heart as pure as mine
>he says he'll grant me one wish
>hmm
>"I want a cool 4chins trip code so I can be a tripfaggot"
>your wish is granted my child
Mfw
The story of my trip code


>>36842740
Suppressed anger?
Wish I knew, they're far and few now, which is a great thing.

>>36842816

Be aware that growing up without that kind of support leaves profound scars. No wonder you don't know who you are if you were never given any true reflection of your person by your parents (from early on).

It's a vicious form of abuse that nobody can suspect before entering therapy, or knowing about it through studying.

This is something you have to learn to do as an adult, but it's possible.

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>>36842342
hello nick
i spent friday and saturday traveling a river, about 50 km climbing, jumping, walking on mossy, slimy rocks, swimming against the current, etc. im beat. how are you? (painting not mine)

>>36842847

How so?

>>36842871

That sure beats mine.

It is the coolest trip I've ever seen.

>>36842894

Doing stable today. Worked out, showered, binging on McDonald's currently.

>>36842792
I might be autistic. I have trouble recognising people. At family parties it takes me a few hours to realise who it is I'm talking to, if they change their look in any way.

I was diagnosed with OCD because I've had trouble with intrusive thoughts. I think that was a misdiagnosis though.

Does any of this help to explain my situation a bit?

>>36842902
There are websites that tell you what you should put in as your password for your tripcode to get a certain trip code.

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>>36842902
You're just saying that to see me blush Nicky-chan

>>36842902
I don't know I just think about stuff and it's all so vague
I don't know if I've done anything in my life up to today, I don't know what people are my friends or what they may think of me, I don't know where my life is going, I'm not even sure who I am

>>36842941

Facial blindness is something my LO has as well, and she has severe BPD traits, but I don't know if it's connected.

Substance abuse is very BPD as well, but it's a complicated disorder with a lot of variations.

Anything abusive in your past?

>>36842961

That defeats the purpose, though, but kinda cool.

>>36842984

Considering I can't see you, Borty-chan, it ain't my plan.

Hello everyone! Sup? Feeling better, Nick?

>>36843011

Everybody has BPD tonight.

Anyone following the French elections?

>>36842881
It goes even deeper

My first memory is me living with aunt(father's sister) and going to kindergarten. Have like 1 memory of meeting my mother till I had to start school when I was 7.
Spent most weekends and summers living with the grandmother I hated from mothers side

Don't think I was a planned or wanted child in the first place

oh well

>>36843039
I don't even care about the politics of my own country

>>36843028

I feel more stable. Almost didn't cry today. Working out always helps. I shaved, I showered. I almost felt able to clean, too. Loneliness is tough when your Loved One is gone.

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>>36842925
thats great to hear that you're doing well. ive been wanting a big burger since yesterday

>>36843039
>Everybody has BPD tonight
So everything is normal in Nick's eyes.

>>36843016
>Anything abusive in your past?

I'd say a little, but it didn't help that I was quite a naive boy. My mom would lash out at me if I embarrassed her, but as I got older she would verbally abuse me instead. She basically convinced me I was a bad, unloveable person for not cleaning the dishes enough.

I don't think I have BPD though, I rarely feel anything other than some form of depression or anxiety.

>>36843053

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

Get reading.

>>36843057
That's good. In my experience, any activity always helps. Keeps your mind of, well, itself. I imagine for many of us, the worst time is when our brain is idle and then it can start ripping into yourself.

When was the last time you heard from your LO?

And just like that we back up in this motherfucker. Your boy motherfucking Doctor Drugs on this shit. I've been hearing niggas saying that "oh Doctor Drugs ain't vending no more. That boy don't smoke crack no more, that kid locked up, he went to prison."

I'm letting you niggas know right now I'm deading all the rumors. I stay higher than any motherfucking nigga you ever met in your life. I've been high on crack for like 7 days straight now nigga. You understand what I'm saying? Cause I don't nigga. I don't even speak English no more, motherfucker, that's how high I am, nigga. You feel me? No, nigga you don't feel me so shut the fuck up and listen to me, nigga.

I'm about to lay this motherfucking heavy shit down, nigga. Cause we still up in this MOTHERFUCKKEERRRRRRR. We're gearing up to push more MDMA pills and cocaine this summer than we've ever done before. Try harder next time LE. Come and fucking get me.

>>36843088

I bought for 50 bucks' worth of junk food.I ran out of protein powder, which LO always bought for me. I miss that. Even the crap one with only 25 grams per 100 g. : (

She texts me every day lately, she's worried about my state.

On my end, I oscillate between wanting to marry her and not being sure what true love feels like.

>>36843120

Damn straight. BPD traits are very common, though. I suspect everyone can be a bit Borderliney every now and then.

>>36843191
I've read this 3 times and I still don't get it.

>>36843171
>My mom would lash out at me if I embarrassed her, but as I got older she would verbally abuse me instead. She basically convinced me I was a bad, unloveable person for not cleaning the dishes enough.

Lashing out physically, then?

Your mother sounds like a narc.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

>>36843184
>When was the last time you heard from your LO?

A few hours ago. She isn't doing too well.

Imagine you had a child. And one day, because of you, you have to drive your child to the airport and let them on a plane and never see them again.

That's exactly how I feel about LO.

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>>36843191

I instantly read this in my gangsterest voice and I laughed my ass off throughout your post. First time in weeks that my tears come from laughter.

Thank you for that. Holy shit.

>>36843253
>She isn't doing too well.
How come? Do you talk to her normally?

>>36843327

A bit more normally lately, but never much. I still hate it. I wish she'd just appear here so I could protect her.

>>36843230
Kek

Maybe she used to be if that is possible? I think she feels guilty about it, although I think she is cowardly for not apologising but Im not bothered about pressing her for that.

Anyways, I just want to know how I manage to convince myself to drink again and again, how can I not get it into my head that alcohol is bad for me and I shouldn't drink it ever again?

>>36843385
Is she in danger?

What do you talk about? I mean, she keeps talking to you, maybe it's not all lost.

>>36843387
>I think she is cowardly for not apologising but Im not bothered about pressing her for that.

Narcs are cowards by nature, but it may show differently. The reason why she'd not want to apologise is literally because she doesn't feel like she did anything wrong. False apologies happen, though.

>>36843387
>how can I not get it into my head that alcohol is bad for me and I shouldn't drink it ever again?

Short term processing. You may feel like distant consequences aren't completely real; may have to do with object constancy issues. As a baby, you eventually learn that objects beyond your vision still exist; as you grow, you become more and more sure of this, if you're allowed to evolve healthily. Kids will be able to be away from parents longer as they grow.

Issues with this may make the world less real.

>>36843409
>Is she in danger?

She is the danger.

>>36843409
>What do you talk about? I mean, she keeps talking to you, maybe it's not all lost.

We worry about each other. She doesn't want me to kill myself.

>>36843387
Is it by any chance possible that you are trying to punish yourself subconsciously?

So you do stuff that is bad for you.

>>36843433
I don't want to think of my mom as a narcissist, I think it's unfair. If anything I feel sorry for her. She's a very anxious person, it's sad to be around her sometimes.

The object constancy issue makes sense. I remember when I was 8, my dad (who was separated from my mom at this point) didn't reply to me and I started crying because I thought he was dead.

I have it now but far less severe, I feel like my friend dislikes me when he stops talking to me all of a sudden. I don't react like a crazy BPD person though.

>>36843527
She still cares about you, she must be wonderful.

It's likely she will forgive you even though you did fuck up a lot. You know that you fucked up big time, you are sorry and she can see it. As I said before, you shouldn't beat yourself up so much.

>>36843580
>The object constancy issue makes sense. I remember when I was 8, my dad (who was separated from my mom at this point) didn't reply to me and I started crying because I thought he was dead.

That's textbook. Absolute textbook.

>I have it now but far less severe, I feel like my friend dislikes me when he stops talking to me all of a sudden. I don't react like a crazy BPD person though.

I wouldn't use that terminology. Some people feel so bad they must go to the ER, others just snap in their own way, others just suffer.

It's a good clue, though.

Does your mother knock before she enters a room? And does she wait for permission?

>>36843555
I've thought about this. When I self-harming, I wrote my own name into my chest, as a kind of morbid joke, like how stupid would it be to have your name permanently engraved onto you. I was drunk at the time.

new here. i dont really have a question or anything, i just felt like sharing


i've basically never been good mentally.
lately i've had this feeling that i dont know who i am, that i have no identity. i work full time, i do yoga and other excercises and have some friends that i interact with several times a week. but i still feel lonely. i've considered starting dating again but i dont feel right trying to meet someone just to keep me company.

also my body's starting to hurt all over. i've been to a doctor who took some tests that showed nothing. says it's probably from an infection, should go away without a trace in a couple of months.
i read up on it and it makes sense but i cant drop the thought that it might be something else that will progress and cripple me.

so basically i've trapped myself in being lonely and not developing in any other way cause it doesnt feel fair and might just be for naught anyway.

>>36843628
>She still cares about you, she must be wonderful.

We were everything to each other for 7 years.

She also knows she hasn't been easy to be and live with. You and her have a lot in common when it comes to mentally ill rhetoric. We'd frequently spend a lot of time talking things out, the way you know, and it worked. To this day, she is grateful to me for how I helped her grow as a person. She is very different from how she was in the beginning, a much more mature person, much more normal and confident.

I'm not beating myself up. I am experiencing troubling mental disorders of all sorts for various reasons.

>>36843580
>I feel like my friend dislikes me when he stops talking to me

shit just now realizing that I feel this, what the fuck

>>36843630
Sorry I meant to say when I texted my dad and he didn't reply. Idk if that is important or not.

I've never thought about my mom knocking on doors or anything. I'm never couped up in my room when I'm at my moms. I can't answer that question I'm afraid.

I think I react dramatically in my own way to a sense of abandonment, I start freaking the fuck out and feel somewhat defective in certain ways.

>>36843635
Self-harming doesn't only have to be explicit. What you mentioned sounds a lot like self-harm. I'm projecting a little her, because I'm in a similar situation. On Friday I drank more than I thought was possible (almost a liter of vodka) even though I know drinking is bad for me.

Can you think of anything that you're punishing yourself for?

Oh and one unrelated story about drunk self-harm. I saw a guy burn the letter "B" into his arm with a burning piece of wood, claiming he is now one of the "Batiatus Fighters" (group of gladiators from a TV-Show) because he burned their stamp into his arm. The same guy once ate a frog on a bet and laid down on a patch of stinging nettles.

>>36843635

>ROBERT
>in blood

Are you the one who doubts you have some BPD in ya? Because that's a hell of a big trait there. Combined with the rest, I'd really look into it, doesn't matter if you don't match the arbitrary count of 5 symptoms for the disorder.

>>36843723
>You and her have a lot in common when it comes to mentally ill rhetoric.
That made me laugh, honestly.

>I'm not beating myself up. I am experiencing troubling mental disorders of all sorts for various reasons.
Actually I think both are true. Don't make it harder on yourself than it has to be.

>>36843681

It sure sounds like psychosomatic pain. Is it the skin or something else?

I'd say there's something missing in you and you know it on some level, but you don't know what exactly.

More often than not, this will connect to your childhood and caregivers, parents or otherwise.

Other symptoms?

>>36843801

No that's not me. But yeah talking to you has really helped, thank you. It sounds like I do actually have BPD. But then again, I know I can be quite impressionable.

>>36843798

Well I've quite a lot to be embarrassed about in my life. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. Right now I don't think about it too much, but at times I've been very hard on myself.

>>36843732

You guys very frequently have similar symptoms. It's not that I'm a broken record, it really is that you guys have more in common than you know.

>>36843838
Psychosomatic pain is never pleasant, especially when it's bad enough to got to the ER and it turns out to be nothing.

>>36843746
>I've never thought about my mom knocking on doors or anything. I'm never couped up in my room when I'm at my moms. I can't answer that question I'm afraid.

You don't feel the need to cut yourself off from her, though, that could be a good thing.
>>36843746
>I think I react dramatically in my own way to a sense of abandonment, I start freaking the fuck out and feel somewhat defective in certain ways.

See object permanence or constancy.

Tell me stories of your mother getting upset.

An upbeat inquiry due to the success of my weekly "reset".

I have a lot of free time since I quit my job, and fashion myself a bit of an outdoorsman. At least in spirit. How do the rest of you keep yourselves entertained on hikes in forests you're already familiar with? My options for routes are limited because I can't afford a car for where I'd really like to go.

I absolutley love being in the wild on my own and I legit get experiences that feel downright spiritual, but I am so limited by the fact that I have no car and therefore have to go to places that are relatively close to civilization. Nothing kills my pure state of existential bliss as running into another hiker. I sometimes go off the path, but usually there's no path there for a reason. It also gets a bit boring and predictable when you know exactly how long it's going to take and how far you are. No new sights, nothing new to explore (I can't describe how fucking happy I was the first time I found an old, overgrown WW2 bunker)

Also, anybody have online resources on how to improve your drawing/wood carving techniques?

>>36843838
im sorta thinking psychosomatic aswell. it's mostly around my joints, which is why it's worrying me. hard to tell if its on the skin or deeper.
funny thing is that i used to have a lot to trouble with neck pain and tension type headaches, this has improved like 90% since the rest of me started hurting.

i've been thinking lot about my childhood lately actually. i always though i had a good one. my parents were never abusive and always around, though i think they might have been emotionally distant. or atleast i was distant towards them, i used to, and still do, hide most of whats going on from them.

as for other symtoms? just lack of motivation, the usual stuff. although off and on, mostly on lately, i've really been glad that i have a job to go to. makes me do something worthwhile.

>>36843946
the pain alone in my case is not that bad actually. what's getting to me is the anxiety over that it might be the start of something that will just get worse and worse

>>36844026

Far Cry 3.

If you run into another hiker, you can shoot him.

>>36843972
>You don't feel the need to cut yourself off from her, though, that could be a good thing.

No I don't, I often just sit in the living room with her. As I said I don't dislike her, I just feel sorry for her.

>Tell me stories of your mother getting upset.

Well, when I was young I said some really stupid shit. My brother brought his gf over (now his wife) and I said that Drake lost his virginity to Josh while we were all watching the show. I didn't know what virginity meant at the time. My mom gave me the worst beating after that though, when I was in bed trying to sleep she just came in and hit me on the head over and over again with all her strength for embarrassing her. Thankfully she is just a small woman and didn't use an object.

That really was just a unique case, I mean she got upset at other times obviously but she was never as viscious as that one time.

She stopped when I was about 13 and she was smashing plates, convincing me I was a bad person for not cleaning the dishes. She stopped because I apologised for being a bad person, and she kind of looked suprised and said I don't think you're a bad person. She never had an outburst again after that, that's why I think she isn't a narc.

What do you think?

>>36844168
Haha I like video games but it doesn't grant the same feeling as being outdoors RL does.

>>36844100
>i always though i had a good one. my parents were never abusive and always around, though i think they might have been emotionally distant.

I wish you could know how many times I have heard this almost exact thing, only to find out later that everything was different.

Emotional distance can hurt more than sexual abuse, and leave more permanent wounds and developmental hindrances.

Testy time:

https://www.depression-anxiety-stress-test.org/take-the-test.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests/health/mental-health-assessment

>>36842342
new so ill start with my story

>Get diagnosed with Aspergers, Bipolar and PTSD
>Psychologist HATES medications. She says that I should just work on what I eat and perhaps take a supplement for my lithium levels.
>most of my family mock this saying shes not a real psychologist. blah blah blah
>I start doing what she wants me to do and symptoms of anxiety and depression cease
>start feeling better physically etc etc

I still get panic attacks, I still don't like interacting with people all that much outside my household. But I don't feel suicidal anymore. Maybe the doctor is right I just needed some supplements to fix what my body was doing

>>36844026
im starting to get in to the great outdoors. i've found that sometimes it's nice just to stop and sitt to enjoy nature. if you're usually always heading somewhere in the woods just sitting down on the ground is a fresh experience. if you can calm down enough to enjoy just doing nothing atleast

Last thread like this I posted in got full, so I'm back with my bitchin'.

Is there any reason I had to be born as a male if I hate it?

Nick asked me ''Trips.

Is there any reason you had to hate being male?''

I replied with

I can't:

- Be pretty
- Be Cute
- Attractive
- Have a bunch of attention, love and all for nothing.
- Feel awesome, feel pretty, feel attractive
- Live life on Easy Modo
- Be in the opposite role instead of the shittiest one.
- No guys will make me feel special cause I'm a male. No guys will flirt with me and tell me I'm cute, pretty and good looking and all that crap.
- Wear female clothings
- Wear lolita fashion
- Have a female voice
- Do amazing cosplay


I'm a male, a bulky, built, impossible-to-become-a-trap type of male. I'm repulsive, I have no love, I have no self esteem, I am not special, I am a waste of a man when I could've been such a phenomenally wonderful female.

I know this list is short but if I have to go on with it I will.

>>36844325
I'm curious, and assuming you got diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult. Was that all there was to your treatment? My doctor thinks I have aspergers, and I already have my habits in order, but I still can't function properly around other people.

>>36844340
Yeah, I agree. I used to work next to a forest, so whenever I had lunch I'd go out there to eat and relax. I think that's the sole reason I managed to work there for as long as I did without going insane.

>>36844325
>Psychologist HATES medications.

A psychologist is not apt to suggest medication, unless there's a psychiatrist working in her team. She can't prescribe anything.

There's a core issue that remains, but I'm glad symptoms are weakening.

I'll bet that you have neither Asperger's nor bipolar.

What's your PTSD all about?

>>36844346

Any idea why you hate being a man? Why do you want to be pretty and cute?

>>36844346
That his close to home. Not that I would like to be a woman, I'd just like to be Chad. To have better genes. Yet I can't.

>>36844529
Why wouldn't you want to be pretty and cute?

>>36844576

Because I'm handsome and perfectly fine with that.

>>36843011
I know this feel man, I just never know if I fully understand how people think. Another thing is I just don't feel like I have a personality, part of me knows I do and just hide it because I'm super shy and introverted, but part of me thinks I just change who I am to best fit my friends at the time.

>>36844529
Because I could be happier, experience things, enjoy being beautiful and cute, I could do photoshoot of awesome cosplays, be proud of myself, I could be loved more.. I could enjoy everything in life more. It'd also feel more natural because I fail at being a man, everything thinks I'm a female when they talk to me without seeing my face and I never comfortable in the role of a male.

>>36844659
>but part of me thinks I just change who I am to best fit my friends at the time.

People-pleaser syndrome. Check your parents, they might be the first you had to adapt to.

>>36844662
>Because I could be happier, experience things, enjoy being beautiful and cute, I could do photoshoot of awesome cosplays, be proud of myself, I could be loved more..

Do realise that you can do all these as a man, and more easily so because there are less men doing cosplay than females.

You only fail at being a man because you don't want to be one, yet are.

How do you feel about your penis?

>>36844724
It's boring to cosplay as a man, the best and prettiest, most inspiring and loveliest characters are all female, and they're all so pretty and sexy I wish I could BE that..

My penis is a useless chunk that gave me nothing but problems since I was born. I had 2 surgeries done there, that should tell ya how problematic it is. It takes space in my pants and I hate it, I don't want it, don't need it, I don't even care about it.

>>36842342
Hey Nick hows everything this fine Sunday?

>>36844768
>It's boring to cosplay as a man, the best and prettiest, most inspiring and loveliest characters are all female, and they're all so pretty and sexy I wish I could BE that..

Instead of just being attracted. Do you feel like instead of "getting" that sexiness, you want to become it?

Does your transsexualist desires stem from an inability to possess a woman sexually?

Assuming you're a virgin.

>>36844235

im quite stumped though, cause im really not sure if my parents actually were distant. they were engaged with what i was doing and figured out fun things to do with the family.
im sorta doubting myself, the distance we have now might just be cause of how depressed and edgy i was as a teenager where i purposly created that distance.

first test
Depression 16 Moderate
Anxiety 2 Normal
Stress 11 Normal

some of these questions made me realize how much i've changed lately. i used to be completely driven by fear of other people.

second test
major depressive disorder: 29
GAD: 37
panic attacks: 18

i've never had a panic attack though

>>36844768
>I had 2 surgeries done there, that should tell ya how problematic it is. It takes space in my pants and I hate it, I don't want it, don't need it, I don't even care about it.

Why is that? Why two surgeries? And don't you enjoy the pleasure your penis gives you?

>>36844797
Yeah, it's something literally far beyond attraction, I literally want to ditch what I am and literally BE that. To literally EXIST as an actual female and ditch this body and role I never gave two fucks about.

I have a girlfriend of 4 years, she knows how I feel about my gender. Having access to actual sex is not a problem.

>>36844803
>where i purposly created that distance.

Flash news: you don't create distance unless you have a reason to.

Interesting results.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Don't freak out over the results, this is a very sensitive test.

>>36844814
Circumcision because the skin was too tight, it was a gradual procedure instead of removing it all. Skin was too tight and I couldn't enjoy sexual pleasure, AT.ALL.

When I finally was able to, I didn't care, I still fantasize about my male friend taking over me and me being in the role of the female who pleases him, to be the object of his desire, not as a fagget man but as an actual attractive woman. Most of my pleasure during masturbation is psychological because of what I imagine, the penis is only stimulated to end the desire to masturbate.

>>36844509
I meant psychiatrist they are all the same to me all out to get my money in my opinion

I was diagnosed by a specialist at the University of michigan for the aspergers. I lack the picking up social queues as well as having the split IQ that most people on the Autism spectrum have

>What'ts the PTSD about

Ohhhh no you asked for it

>Father was messed up from the military PTSD of his own as well as low lithium levels which also caused his mood swings
>Mothers family is just fucked all around, Grandmother is a registered sex offender amongst other things so my mother was also in foster care in her teenage years til she aged out
>They decide to have me and my 3 sibilings. Mom was 19 when she got pregnant with me, Dad was 23
>Dad was angry all the time always yelling at my mom, cheating on her as well and my mom did the same (He thinks my sister isn't his daughter)
>Mom leaves when I am five, the divorce was messy. I didn't get to see her again til I was 12 and that was the last time I saw her til I was 18.
>Dad was self medicated, took xanax whenever he felt he was having an anxiety attack. During one of those episodes he broke my ankle by flipping a table on it.
>CPS is called and we all get put in to foster care. I was 13 at this point
>Foster mom is this greedy old christian who was physically abusive. She hit me whenever I didnt do what she wanted. Lasted for about a year.
>Get put into a group home at 14 that was probably the most normal part of my childhood honestly. Living with 8 other girls and having adults take care of us.
>Dads second wife ended up divorcing him and adopting me only to kick me out at 17. Wanted the money etc. SO I had to go to high school and work to maintain a living.

There's more hold on

Moving on
>graduate high school somehow through all of this and move to san diego where my mom lived.
>Her and I didn't get along so I moved back to mi

>>36844834
>I have a girlfriend of 4 years, she knows how I feel about my gender. Having access to actual sex is not a problem.

How does sex happen with your girlfriend? Do you enjoy being a man at that point?

>>36844026
https://primitivetechnology.wordpress.com/

>>36844890

They must have botched that operation. Who circumcises gradually?

You have a complicated sexuality. Do you feel like a homosexual at all?

>>36844926
The sex feels good, but I can confirm I am still not in the role or position I wish I was, and no, I have No desire to get fucked as a man, I'd only accept to be penetrated if I had an actual vagina. This is so degrading to imagine doing as a man.

>>36844924
>continued from previous post
>move around back home, No support from family
>Meet my now ex husband

>Move to the badlands so he can work in oil
>Joins this weird end of the world cult and beats me because I wouldnt join
>Finally get out of that relationship

Here I am. at 24 a big ball of mess.

>>36844924

With a past like that, you're bound to have severe issues to deal with as an adult. But yeah, ditch the Asps, you probably have C-PTSD.

I'd still like to know what your PTSD is about, technically. Meaning, what triggers you and why?

>>36844958
No, they did a dorsal slit first, and then if that wasn't sufficiant, they'd do a full circumcision. There was no use cutting the whole thing if only a part of it could save the whole situation. The result is successful.

Also note I wanted to be a girl cause I felt like one even before I knew what sex was. I role played with other kids as females until they started picking up on it as being cringe worthy because Boy shouldn't roleplay as Girl.

I do not feel like a homosexual, male to male repulses me.

>>36844026
If there is no path make you one. Take a machete or small handaxe and clear yourself a path. I used to outdoors a bit in my teen years, hit a deer in the flank with a pebble from about 10 paces once because I'd managed to sneak up on it.

>>36845006
Well seeing that I got diagnosed by someone who has been studying autism for years I can't just ditch that diagnosis.

>What triggers you?
Odd enough most of my panic attacks are caused by over stimulation, Loud noises and crowded places does it for me.

>>36844961
>This is so degrading to imagine doing as a man.

How so?

>>36844984

Damn, sounds like a movie premise. A desert cult? Pray tell.

And yeah, abusive childhoods prep you for abusive relationships, it's a tragedy.

>>36845105
Ever heard of the world mission society?

If not google it.

>>36845007

Are you attracted to males or females?

>>36845105
Because I'm an ugly man, I'm no treat to my partner. Could I at least be an attractive female so at least I can enjoy it aswell? And feel good about myself? Instead of just being a gay ass dude? This is so disgusting.

>>36845039
I have a small handaxe with me, but usually it's swamplands around here so it doesn't help much. Need to remind myself to buy one of those rubber overalls so I can walk in it.

>>36845150
I'm attracted to females, but I know if I had a female body I could also be attracted to males.

>>36845060
>Well seeing that I got diagnosed by someone who has been studying autism for years I can't just ditch that diagnosis.

Yeah, you can. Asperger's has mostly been ditched by American psychiatrists altogether.

It's more likely that you don't pick up social cues because you never learned them than it is that you have literal autism.

>, Loud noises and crowded places does it for me.

While typical of abuse, it doesn't sound like straight PTSD, unless you were traumatised by being shouted at or abandoned in crowds or something.

PTSD is normally much more straightforward: you get symptoms from events that remind you of past trauma, directly.

>http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/

Read this.

>>36845173
>but I know if I had a female body I could also be attracted to males.

I wouldn't hedge my bets on something like that.

Wouldn't it be easier to come to terms with being a man?

>>36845136

Damn...

Are you in therapy now or have you ever been?

>>36845207
>07
>>>36845173 (You)
How exactly does that work? I'll just continue being a thing I hate to be, there's nothing fun or exciting, it's just shitty while the opposite gender has all the fun.

>>36844859
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

i took this test years ago with wastly different results. i was on very high on most of them back then.


in my head the reason i needed the distance was that i was feeling shit about school and myself. and i was cooping with it by gaming. all the while i wanted to keep up my image of being a cool dude who doesnt afraid of anything. that doesnt work when you have to spend all your energy on forgetting about the real world.

>>36845217
I was in therapy as a kid. I do plan on getting back to it as soon as I can afford it. It is hard to maintain relationships cause of my severe abandonment issues.

>>36845155
>Because I'm an ugly man, I'm no treat to my partner.

Glad I asked, because I would never have guessed this was the reason why you'd think it was degrading.

You're telling me it's degrading to THEM because it's sex with YOU, right?

How abysmal is your self-esteem, my friend? This is one of the saddest things I have heard on these threads, and I have a heard a lot.

Good God, we need to work on this self-esteem issue. What on earth could have possibly got you to hate yourself this much? Any clue?

File: IMG_e8065m.jpg (116KB, 798x798px) Image search: [Google]

116KB, 798x798px

Idk whats going on anymore
im 18, i cant acfept the eeaponsibilities of being an adult
ive been high almost every day for the past month
the days im not high i legitamately come up with a plan for suicide
im so close to ending it
the reason why im typing this is because im high
please help
im so lonely
please
im crying

>>36845280
>
No, it's degrading to ME because I'm UGLY. I don't get to feel like I'm a treat for THEM.

My low self esteem is the result of severe abuse I've had since childhood. I didn't intend to repeat it, but I'll say it again. Severe abuse.

>>36845173
>I know if I had a female body I could also be attracted to males

That means you can be attracted to males right now, so you're at the very least bisexual, is that right?

Hello, first time posting in here, I'm mostly a 4chan lurker anyway but I feel you all could help with me or at least I can get shit of my chest.
I can't make a decision and stick with it, the uncertainty and ephemeral of life stops me in my tracks. Getting out of bed requires so much energy. I feel like a completely different person from when I was a child. As a kid I was your stereotypical good boy although I do vaguely remember doing some extremely bad things. I did good in school because I actually enjoyed school. Was socially weird to everyone but myself but aware enough to not be with the other socially weird kids usually, still got picked on though.
Growing up in a religious house hold that did not let you frequently socialize with other kids did put me out there.
Whenever I hung out with church kids my mom made it a point to make sure I did not embarrass her in any way and I have been deathly afraid of my mom's anger and judgement ever since I was little. A couple years ago she was diagnosed with some form of paranoid schizophrenia after a mental breakdown. As an only child its been tough and I am somewhat estranged from the rest of my family, family has never been necessarily to close, lots of feuds, arguments and grudges

Idk I feel so dead and lost inside somedays I feel like a robot. I maladaptive daydream intensely to deal with feelings of inferiority and worthlessness.
Somedays I have thoughts of acting out but I don't want to.

>>36845227
>I'll just continue being a thing I hate to be, there's nothing fun or exciting, it's just shitty while the opposite gender has all the fun.

We all have things we hate about ourselves. In your case it is a little odd. For example, I can be naive at times and can often look stupid and even creepy in social situations because I just misjudge things completely. At times I could definitely say I hated myself for it, but part of being a healthy person is accepting yourself for all of your faults. Even if you think it's shitty you have to grow up and deal with it.

What's so wrong with being a man? Wouldn't it be better to stay as you are and cope with it, as opposed to likely looking like an awful 'woman', and not being able to revert back into being what you were?

>>36842750
Not going to lie, if I was able I'd do it myself right now. Went out for a few pints, came home, cooked a lovely dinner for my partner. Would much rather get utterly wasted again. Did it on Friday, had a nice time watching anime and talking to meta. Would rather do it again.

Tomorrow I'm planning on doing an eating challenge. Was watching Man Vs Food and thought I'd give it a go. 10 minutes to eat a fairly large quantity of spicy food. I pride myself on my tolerance for spicy food so why not go ahead and eat for free? Anyone else tried something like that before?

What are people's feelings on the French election? Pleased at the result? Disappointed? I know it's a /pol/ topic, but since it's current I don't see the harm in discussing it if people are interested.

>>36845245
I also score differently on this test every time I take it except for 1-2 which are always consistently very high. Are there any that are consistently high for you, as well?

>>36845334
Are you working or in education? Do you have a social circle and family? Does the feeling of being dead and lost as well as the daydreaming put obstacles in your day-to-day life?

>>36845245
>being a cool dude who doesnt afraid of anything.

That takes me back. Not even sure I can recite the whole meme by heart now.

>I think X is pretty cool, eh kills aliens and doesn't afraid of anything.

I'm sure I'm missing something.

>>36845273
>It is hard to maintain relationships cause of my severe abandonment issues.

Please tell me about that. (Personal interest at stake.)

>>36842342
New here.

Problems
>clinically diagnosed HPPD, major depressive disorder, panic disorder, PTSD, trichotillomania (obsessive hair pulling) and mild schizophrenia
>suspected some sort of high functioning autism like Aspberger's
>the schizophrenia was a technicality in that I had mild psychotic symptoms for 6 months or longer
>so far medications have been largely unsuccessful with the exception of clonazepam which helped with the panic disorder and DP/DR from the HPPD
>massive trust issues to the point where I flat out lie to my psychiatrist and refuse to see a therapist
>absolutely terrified of socializing
>it's to the point where I haven't cooked myself a meal in at least 8 months because I'm afraid of being around my roommates
>I just eat fast food, delivery, or stuff that can be microwaved
>socialize so little that it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to actually talk
>when I do talk my responses are usually just one or two words
>incredibly awkward when I do socialize
>always agonizing over the minutia of interaction I have
>zero IRL friends
>incredibly lonely all the fucking time
>haven't even had a conversation with my parents in a few months
>no one I trust enough other than fellow anons to tell this to

The trich is pretty interesting in that while my case is not as severe as some others, if I can't pull out even a single hair it makes me incredibly upset. As for other "triggers," social situations obviously make me extremely anxious and lots of people talking all at once makes me very upset and fogs up my brain.

In these last few days I'm feeling very strange. Sometimes I think about why I did it or I'm doing it, even if it gives me pleasure. Sometimes I spend minutes thinking that I could be any other people in this world, that I I could be dead, I have constant suicidal thoughts, and I also feel very distant from my friends, I do not spend two minutes talking to them without thinking that this conversation is idiotic or empty, and I also when I have those thoughts that I could be Any other person, I feel extremely empty. Sometimes I feel distant from myself, I interpret my actions with people as strange, or that what I did was not me.Sometimes I think this reality does not exist, as if it were something simulated.And i'm very misathropic and cynical lately.

What's happening with me Nick?

>>36845300

Hang in there.

Give me an example of not accepting responsibilities, OK?

>>36845168
Always wanted to try out swamplands. I live in the mountains, no swamps around

>>36845329

If you aren't a treat for them, that's degrading for them, then, not you, unless you care so much about what you are to them that you take it personally, which you certainly do.

What sex was the person who abused you?

>>36845410
from what i can remember avoidant was very high back then and also schizotypal. but om honestly not sure about how well i even know myself, like am i competent enough to give proper answers?
a lot has changed in life since last time i took the test, and i think for the better

what items were consistently high for you, and what do you make of them being consistent?

>>36845334

All very textbook for abuse of various sorts.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Abuse of that sort will impact you much later sometimes.

>>36845495
ha
hang in there

i cant do school work anymore. theres less then a month left in my senior year and im going to drop out. Ive been in the hospital before for suicide attempts and im not going back.
my parents are going to kick me out, or im going to start fucking some old guy for a place to live.
osryy if im not coherent im taking the last of mt valium today

>>36845453

well. Literally everyone in my life has left me. My biological parents wont talk to me even though I am over the age of 18

My adoptive mom is a whole another story she only likes drama its why she got with my dad.

Most friends I make get bored or tired of me so whatever.

So now I am a clingy mess. Which drives everyone away. So I have given up trying to make friends and I just go to work and come home and sleep or play vidya

>>36845331
Yeah. That is correct.

>>36845348

I would never transition to a woman, the results are horrible and end mostly in suicide for a reason.

>>36845521
I was abused by both genders. Also it's degrading to me because I care about what I am to them. I care about what I am 'at all'.

>>36845521
Lemme explain.

It's embarassing that they look good and I'm .... 'this'. I can't be proud of who I am and what I am, I can't be happy of what I even am to them.

>>36845365

I expected that result. It's the same shit it's been for a while now: the FN is used to make sure the other candidate wins. That's why they get so much news coverage. If she was really dangerous, she wouldn't be allowed on TV.

Really sorry, didn't read through the thread, haven't been here yesterday cause I fell of my bike, wrist really hurt, got worse today, maybe it's broken I don't care don't want to go the ambulance, trying to figure out how to get all of the people who know me to forget about me so I can finally finish it, tired of staring at the fucking wall day in day out

>>36845461

Woah, that's heavy stuff. I'm glad you spoke tonight.

Can you detail what scares you about socialising?

>>36845450
i honestly dont remember either

thanks for the replies nick, feel good just to be acknowledged

>>36845492
>What's happening with me Nick?

I'd go with dissociation and some object constancy issues, as in: things don't seem all that real to you, and the world doesn't feel all that stable. Anything may happen. Something of the sort.

Usually due to a problem in childhood, a lack of developing certain things, like object permanence, usually with your parents.

>>36845600
>my parents are going to kick me out, or im going to start fucking some old guy for a place to live.

There may be more help you can get out there.

Would your parents really kick you out? If yes, that's a problem in itself.

>>36845508
It's great, but not really fit for camping or long hikes. A lot of the paths have boards you need to walk on unless you want to be knee-deep in murky water. Quagmires everywhere makes it difficult to walk some routes, especially when idiots go there with their quadbikes and fuck up the terrain even more.

>>36845555
Scoring high on Schizotypal is interesting. I know a guy (not on a personal level) who has Schizotypal PD and he is really, really special. Believes aliens are infiltrating humanity, well-spoken and somewhat charismatic but always descends into nonsensical word salads. Thinks he can sense things others can't and has fucked up sexuality. Occassionally funny individual, or maybe sad.

I've always consistently scored very high on Paranoia and Schizoid. Psychologist also concluded I have high level of paranoia from our interviews and doctor thinks I have aspergers which might explain the high Schizoid score.

>>36845615

How does your clinginess express itself?

>>36845657
>I can't be happy of what I even am to them.

How does this make sense to you?

Struggling a little bit not drinking tonight. It's that voice at the back of your head saying
>Are you really going to let someone else tell you not to do it?
>We could have fun. We could have a proper knees up
>You're acting like a cuck, doing what you're told
But then the more reasonable, rational side says this will either be remembered as a nice evening where I made a good meal, or it could be a car wreck where I lose it, start staring, panicked, at things that aren't there, shift out and do God knows what.

I'm going to resist, but it's a big pull like a fish hook in my spirit. All it would take would be one bad call - from my mother, for example - and I'd throw in the towel.

>>36845713

Can you go to the ER?

You can't get everyone to forget about you. I know I won't.

>>36845814
I am always wanting to talk to someone. I don't know how to explain it. I seek attention constantly from others and validation.

>>36845840
It's simple. I can't even be good enough to be happy with myself because I'm a fucking failure as a guy, I'm ugly and all, you know the drill. I wish I could be something fun and positive for somebody but even that I cannot be.

>>36845410
I am currently in school but am having a hard time due to the daydreaming and feelings taking up my focus. I do have a group of 7 guys I share a group chat with but I'm only really best friends with one guy there. I had a bigger friend group but a series of events with me being an off putting asshole to the other friends shut me off from them. I feel really bad about it every time I think back. My family is there but like I said I am a bit estranged from them.

>>36845581
thank you i will get to reading and report back. I think I may have had an abusive childhood but I'm not sure and I would not like to indict my mother like that.

>>36845735

No problem.

>I like Nikc, eh fights mental illness and doesn't afraid of anything.

>>36845788
yes. I was emotionally and maybe 0hysically abused or whatever. it dosnt matter anymore. aI dont want the shitt help of doctors and shit. I juat want to be hapoy. I just want to not feel lonely. This might be one of my last days. But youre pretty cool for actually respondibh senpai.

>>36845856

You literally have a /pol/ voice in your head threatening you with being a cuck. Top kuk, kek be praised.

As to your mother, fucking block her already. Do you really expect anything good to come from her? Don't you think it would have happened before were it to happen at all?

In the classic sense of the term, you never had a mother. You're an orphan, as am I. You can be my brother, but you can't have parents.

>>36845864

[email protected]

Your new source of attention. I doubt you'll drive me away.

>>36845870

Describe why you're a failure in your opinion.

>>36845863
Nah man, thanks but, looks like there's a lot of people here who seek help, you got your hands full, you all do, I'm a "lost cause" anyways..
You don't have to worry about me ending it all since the thing that is stopping me (the people who will be affected by it) is irremovable.

>>36845793
i think i can be rather strange sometimes, but nowhere near the levels of your dude.

i've allways avoided swamp areas for hiking since i imagine they'd be filled with mosquitoes and such that would drive me nuts. how do you deal with the insects?

>>36845932
Because I can't be successful either in real life [even though I have a high paying job considering my work field and where I live] and a girlfriend, I'm unhappy. I really wish I wasn't this fucking much of an ugly failure who regrets being alive and is too cowardly to kill himself. I'm hurting so bad I don't even have the patience to write a diatribe about why I'm so hateful of myself, I feel like I need to go outside and get some air cause I feel like I'm choking. I just wish there was a painless 'OFF' button I could push somewhere.. I'll be back later, sorry for leaving like this. I really must leave my room to breathe.

>>36845758
Here's my personality disorder test,if help in some way

Paranoid-Moderate
Schizoid-Low
Schizotypal-Moderate
Antisocial-Moderate
Bordeline-Very High
Histrionic-Moderate
Narcissistic-Moderate
Avoidant-High
Dependent-Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive=Moderate

I was actually meaning the figurative addict's voice. Give it time though, I suppose it could get a slot. Speaking of /pol/ though I gather one of them had some fairly ripe conversation with meta the other day. She was probably just being edgy though.

>>36845871
>but I'm not sure and I would not like to indict my mother like that.

Stockholm Syndrome. If you're scared of thinking bad things about your mother, that's a huge red flag.

I've been in the same situation. Make sure that this fear doesn't come out of guilt for what SHE would think of you for such thoughts.

>>36845880

The road to happiness exists. I want you to stick around, if nothing else. These threads are mostly opened every day, and I want you to come back and share with the others. Don't stay alone. We're a little family now and you will get support at the very least.

>>36845955

You are no less important to me than all the others. As often, I don't currently connect your name to what you told me before, but my brain as registered you as "important" and for now, that's all I remember. You're on the top priority list even though I forgot why. It'll come back if you refresh my memory.

>>36845856
just curious. this is coming from someone who hardly drinks at all.
do you actually enjoy being black out drunk? the drunkest nights i've had in my life i've wanted nothing more than to be sober again

>>36845962

Did you really use her name willingly or did you switch and are pretending to be Facet?

>>36846041
>Make sure that this fear doesn't come out of guilt for what SHE would think of you for such thoughts.

It comes out of guilt of what she and others would think. I'm an only child of a single mother

>>36845717
Mainly I'm afraid of being ridiculed and hurt because I said or did the wrong thing. This mainly stems from high school experiences where I was constantly ridiculed and bullied for being a little bit strange. I mean, there was no end to it. It was like if I even breathed near someone that would set them off.

As such I became a recluse because it seemed like no matter what I did, even if I thought I was doing the right thing, someone would find offense with whatever it was I was doing and ridicule me for it.

It wasn't all that bad though, I did find solace with the other outsiders in the school. But still, even then, I felt out of place and out of touch with them.

I guess if I had to boil it all down, I would say that my issues with socializing are being afraid of being vulnerable and potentially being hurt as a result.

>>36845978

No problem, do what you have to do. I still don't see how you fail at anything: great job, girlfriend, no actual failure mentioned.

Get back to me whenever you can.

>>36845980

Yeah, that too is a lot like me. Borderliney stuff with derealisation, read about it. Also object permanence and such. Read, read, read.

Let me know if it makes sense.

>>36846096
It's okay man - no worries, you've done enough.
It's all just a limbo anyways.

>>36845973
there are lots and lots of mosquitos and gnats, but I must have shitty blood or something because I rarely get bit. I scrub myself down with anti-tick deo though for good measure

>>36846070
ill writ3 rhis down so i temember it. bhanks

>>36845793
That has now discouraged me from swamps. I enjoyed a hike and a tent
>>36842342
I gotta apologize for dismissing what you said yesterday. after introspection it was right

>>36846120
>It comes out of guilt of what she and others would think. I'm an only child of a single mother

Well, Deedee, you may come to realise that your mother holds an unhealthy admiration from you.

Tell me what you really feel about her.

>>36846134

Makes sense. You were probably not taught how to socialise, consciously and unconsciously, by your parents. This would have been obvious to anyone else, and your reaction to their bullying certainly made things worse (while not being your fault, though), and more enjoyable for them. So they continued and actively looked out for that.

Don't guilt yourself. It wasn't your fault.

>>36846181

Nah, do remind me, I'm actually curious now. And ashamed that I can't remember. 60 unique posters per thread and I will forget easily.

>>36846114
It was a thoughtless slip. I have had a few, though they've almost entirely been dried up by pasta. I do think she might have had a hand in it, because actually she's likes it when I drink - because after all, if I drink it gets to be her show and she can be loud and uninhibited etc. Plus, if things get histrionic (which they usually do) then she gets attention/ sympathy. I don't mean to be harsh, but that's a factor. She doesn't like me saying that. In fact, she feels desperate and afraid of being abandoned. But those are the facts. Nevertheless, you're getting pretty suspicious Nick. Try and have some self-care if you're able. Not sure what to suggest.

>>36846100
I enjoy it in some ways.

First, you get that addict's hit of brain chemicals. Particularly the first drink - the only thing I could compare it to is orgasm. The buildup, the anticipation, then you finally get the sting of alcohol and you have that moment of bliss.
Second I can enjoy anime which, in all honesty, is mostly shit. You need to lose a few brain cells to appreciate it. Not all of it, but a lot of it.
Then I relax a little and feel less worried about things.
Then, having lowered my inhibitions, I can hear the others more clearly and relax enough to let them have a turn.
Then things get worse.
I become more volatile and emotional.
It can turn into a fight for control.
Emotional fluctuations and psychosis, paranoia and panic set in.
By this point, I might not be myself at all for the rest of the night or much of it.
By the end of the night I can't think clearly. I'm more or less only processing pain or psychic noise.
The boundaries between myself and the others has gone; there's no internal narrative. Not mine or anyone else's.
The day after I feel extremely panicked and small for most of the day. The others are gone. I try to hear them - to speak to them - and I feel painfully alone. It's like waking up and finding the world empty. It's just me, fear, enfeeblement and psychosis.

>>36846266

Kek be praised, dubs.

You're always welcome here.

>>36846285
>I gotta apologize for dismissing what you said yesterday. after introspection it was right

Which part? I don't remember.

>>36846250
the noice they make alone is enough to get to me, but i suppose im just sensitive like that

Loath myself,everything about me...how I look, my lack of a personality and lack of willpower to change.

I have no social life, I hate going outside and only do it to go to work or if I have to.

I'm planning my suicide for this Saturday after I've drank myself into oblivion, or just bitching out like I normally do.

I just want to feel some sort of interaction with someone who can understand me, give me some warmth and know that I make them happy.

I lost my virginity to an escort at the age of 18 I'm 20 now and have only ever seen the escort. Last time was April this year.

I've not been in a relationship and I know I promised myself I won't see an escort again.

I guess having that hour of someone touching you and being with you, even though you know you laid them, makes life bearable for that time.

I also can only reach point of orgasm through masturbation for some reason, could be death grip, this worries me as I want to have sex with a long term partner like a normal man.

Anyway I've rambled on...

>>36846303
I feel a lot of anger and at the same time sadness for her. She's schizophrenic now and can't even bring herself to hold a job now. She stays home all day. When I try to talk to her there's no conversation now, I feel a bit estranged. And she's started saying I love you at the end of every convo.

Just want it all to end, just to go to bed and drift off into a new world and not wake up.

>>36846385
I agree it's annoying. I've slept in shelters sometimes with a mosquito net over my face, and I'd hear them fly close to my ear trying to get in which was really annoying.

>>36846392
Don't kill yourself. You may feel lonely but on the other side of your screen there's somebody who doesn't want you to die and recognizes the pain you're going through.

>>36846347
It's a lot to write.
>mom died of cancer when 13, dad re-married - probably gonna get divorced pretty soon, just a matter of time
>main problem: the girl to whom I talked to, at first she was warm and dearing, and open, after one encounter goes completely cold

It's okay if it doesn't ring any bells.
Don't be ashamed jesus christ, you're doing a lot, it's just that I'm tired of it all and feel like talking about it only makes it worse. It's so contradicting because I came here and I wrote tthat first message today, it's not like you would notice I was gone, could've just left it.
If I don't talk about it - it feels as if though talking about it helps, when I start talking about it gets worse. Limbo.
I'm way too dependent on people and it's not fair I don't have the right to end it all due to the impact it would have on others. Not much I can do. Just gonna "glide" through" life, doesn't matter how much I'm hurting.

>>36846364
I was complaining about this nagging emptiness, you suggested it could be missing a relationship, and I snapped out of a seeming reflex to push even the thought away. I'm so terrified of having the few shreds left of my heart damaged further I'm pushing away even the concept of a relationship that isn't friend or family

>tfw not even alcohol and weed helps me feel better
Will normalfag medicine from the therapist help? I just want to be happy

>>36846596
>Will normalfag medicine from the therapist help?
Probably not but it depends which one you get.

>>36846566
>snapped out a
Not snapped out of a

>>36846392
Are you actively suffering, do you think death would be preferable to the current state of things? How do you imagine death?

>>36846392

Don't kill yourself. You have everything to live for, even if it may not seem that way. You're 20, everything is ahead of you. Your life can change considerably in a few years, trust me.

>>36846435

She may be scared that you don't love her or she's trying to make you feel guilt.

>>36846364
You ok Nick?

>>36846544
>It's okay if it doesn't ring any bells.

Dubs, kek be praised, it does.

The part where she goes completely cold is the part that I have a personal interest in.

> it's not fair I don't have the right to end it all due to the impact it would have on others.

You have the right, it's no longer illegal, but you don't actually want to do it, so don't.

Help is on the way.

>Live in a sort of shithole country
>Graduate high school, get accepted into a university
>Do well, find new friends, get a girlfriend
>First one, so the feelings are strong
>Get "soft" dumped in a month
>Binge drink for three weeks straight
>Snap out of it, try to fix my studies, fail horribly
>Semester ends, pass due to a fucking miracle
>Stop caring about most things and studies, occasionaly get shit done not to get booted, occasionaly hang out with friends
>Fast forward 18 months
>Summer 2016 starts, decide to fix my life and start all over again
>Get out of the university, join another, more "prestigious" one, with another major
>Study hard
>Fail to make friends, and fall ill with a nasty case of pneumonia to boot
>Lose most friends, turns out they weren't more than long-term aquaintances
>Get back after a fucking month
>Fail all exams sans one, am not booted because illness, am given time to study and try again before summer begins
>Completely stop even actually going to uni, just sleep, drink, play vidya and go to the movies, solo
>Up until a month ago
>I'm getting drafted into the fucking army, for a year
>The uni will allow me to stay when I return

This will either fix me or break me. I'm planning to graduate, find a job, get my own place to live. If I fail that by 2024, I'll just off myself. With a flip.

Just wanted to share. I realized I didn't have a meaningful conversation for ten months, not even on the internet.

>>36847153

Yes, just swamped in.

>>36847166
No, it's not about the law, it's simple - it's way too selfish. And yes, yes I do.
By the way, how've you been?

>>36847381
The military will definitly make something of you. You will not be the same person leaving as you went in.
>>36847419
Ok was just worried bout you. Get back to me on this
>>36846566
whenever. Either here in thread or just over email, they're both fine

>>36847469
I was all set for a military career in my late teens. Was going to go into officer training. Sadly, it wasn't to be. Didn't pass the medical.

>>36847381
What country are you in? I'm trying to think of countries that have a draft.

>>36847653
Which part of the medical did you in?

>mfw my first REAL stand-up gig is in 4 hours
>mfw when I've done jackshit to prepare

what to do, bros.

>>36847729
fall back on improv if you have that skill
rehearse your fucking material to the point where if you veer off you can always find your way back to the joke

kill 'em buddy and no worries if you have a rough crowd, we all bomb now and then

t. journeyman

>>36846335
That sounds pretty accurate, actually.

As a younger child I was very sheltered by my at the time hyper religious mother.

I was homeschooled and the only friends I had were the kids that lived on the same cul de sac and I never socialized with anyone outside of my neighborhood. The only other kids I played with the lived outside of my neighborhood were either my cousins or a few close family friends.

I guess the sheltering on the part of my mother was a futile attempt at keeping me from becoming corrupt. I don't know how else to put it without it sounding creepy, but you know, like preserving innocence and purity. She wanted us to be the perfect kids because she wasn't when she was growing up and a lot of bad things happened to her as a result. So she became super religious and did everything she could to keep us inline.

Unfortunately, she turned out to be more of an authoritarian dictator than a parent. There was a lot of emotional abuse in that she would get mad at my brothers and I for almost no reason. Most of the time it was just lots of yelling, but sometimes it would be physical. Sometime she would hit us with a belt or a wooden spoon. Sometimes she'd make us eat soap if we said something we weren't supposed to.

I mean, it got to the point where we were legitimately afraid of our mother and did our best to not piss her off. But again, literally anything would set her off. So in that regard, I guess her tactics kind of worked in that she literally scared us straight (as in obedience, not sexuality) while we were kids.

Oh, right, back to the sheltering thing. When we moved across the state, we had to go to public school. So I went from 0 to 100 in terms of being exposed to social situation literally overnight.

>>36847381

You need friends, solid ones. We can be yours until you find those, and beyond.

>>36847729
If you landed a gig without preparing then you are funny dude, youll be just fine bro

>>36847429

I've been better today.

>>36847718
It was epilepsy. All kicked off the year I was set to apply. Got in shape and everything. I like to think I could have done a bit of Googling and got by the psych eval. I suppose we'll never know. Anyway, fingers crossed one day conscription will get so desperate they'll let me join and I can get my kicks at last.

>>36847778
How's that Relaxane working for you?

>>36847809
I don't really remember a psych eval at MEPS outside of a questionnaire asking if I ever felt suicidal or depressed.

>>36847764

Yeah, your mother is definitely abusive. Being forced to eat soap, while classic, is torture, same with being hit with a belt and a spoon. Likely things she was subjected to herself and never questioned.

If you feared your parent, as I did, something was wrong. It sure makes for solid discipline, but at what cost...

All your issues can relate to this, easily.

It's not too late for you, though. I've been through this and I have learned to become socially normal, or more normal.

What you have on your side, though, once you get more normal, is that everyone will find you interesting. You'll keep something original out of this. You'll stand out and appear mysterious and intense, thoughtful. You won't see the interest in others, however, but it'll be there.

>>36847873
Well, as I said it's academic anyway. Neurological problems. In fairness, I wouldn't want to be in a squad with someone who could drop to the floor and start convulsing at a critical moment. Was upset about it at the time but that was a decade ago now. Swings and roundabouts eh

>>36847809
That's unfortunate. Did you drop your name?

>>36847830

Haven't taken it since last night. I'm supposed to take it three times a day, but fuck it.

>>36847954
Yeah. It happens from time to time. Other threads. I do sometimes wonder how things would be different. There's every chance I would have fucked it up anyway. Problems with authority for one thing.

>>36848057
Possibly. It didn't end too well for me, though I got my school payed for from it.

>>36847699
Does it matter?

>>36847653
I passed everything. Not grade-A health, but nothing wrong aside from bad physical shape and a restriction on certain positions.

>>36847766
I believe in long distance friendship even less than long distance relationships. And in those, I don't. But thanks anyway.

I don't really know how and where to meet new people, and I alienated and/or severed ties with almost everyone I knew. Never picked up the skills I was supposed to pick up in my childhood and early teens.

so i've never really had friends and there's a new team of sales people at work and they always offer to hang out with me...... but i feel like.its out of pity idk

like today i said i was gonna hang out with one of the girls that work that invited me over to hers but then i flaked and called in sick to work (which i've never done before) just because i was so nervous

i just feel like i'm destined to not socialize with people on anything more than a superficial level, i pretty much feel like there's point in even making friends or being happy

>>36848075
Do tell.

>>36848082
Not bad. Didn't you do some tailored preparation before applying?

>>36847978
Yes...
As I said -a limbo. Good luck

>>36848057
Just making sure it was actually you. I do the same thing. I could've been military. But was completly against dying for oil.

>>36848057

Whenever Facman drops his name, take a shot.

>>36848098
Yes, people are fucking scary. I have the same paranoia - the pitty thing. You can never actually prove to yourself that it's not due to pitty.

>>36848144
I was a couple years in and my symptoms started to act up.

>>36848082
>Never picked up the skills I was supposed to pick up in my childhood and early teens.

You have to learn that somewhere, and here is not a bad place. I had to do it, and I did it. Nobody would guess I'm such a mess and lived in the jungle for so long.

>>36848203
Sounds grim. I can only imagine it didn't work out for you what with the gender thing.

>>36848167
Wish I could. But then I'd just be anonposting all night.

>>36848162
I know what you mean. Frankly, I'd risk it. Not a fan of oil, but by the same token not much of a fan of people or myself either so it's a toss up really.

>>36848098
>but i feel like.its out of pity idk

Low self-esteem may make it hard for you to believe that other people genuinely want to enjoy your presence. I've felt this way a long time, but in truth, other people want to be with you just as much as you want to be with others. Realise this before you isolate yourself.

>>36848348
I would've done it, but I valued myself more back then. Still had some self-esteem.

>>36847653
Have we spoken before on a Discord? You live in Nottinghamshire don't you?

>>36848446
I am from England, but no and no.

I'm procrastinating too much
I told myself that I'd do a research thing I have to do for a group project for uni today, but I probably won't, I will do it eventually, but arrrgh why do I always do things the day after I promised I'd do them

>>36848446
>a Discord?

Redpill me on Discord.

>>36848144
Didn't do shit. I'm more or less completely fine, other that I'm a disgusting skinnyfat weakling.The thing is, the requirements to get in through the draft are really soft - you basically just have to not be disabled and not have any long-term ilnesses

>>36848313
This is not a bad place, but it's not a good one either, simply due to its text-only anonymous nature.

Besides, it's not like I can't talk to people. I just can't approach complete strangers and make small talk without looking like a fucking weirdo. The fact that my hobbies are very far from mainstream doesn't help.

>>36848820
>simply due to its text-only anonymous nature.

I have spoken here before.

Tell me about your hobbies.

>>36848574
Because you're a lazy cunt?

>>36847729
Humour is a weird thing, even if you prepare a good set of jokes you might still fuck up the execution.
The way I see it, you're either born funny or you're not.
As simple as that.

>>36848964
You don't get it. This place has a clear subject and is not real-time, unlike, y'know, real conversations.

Hobbies are mostly /tg/-related. Tried a lot of other, more "normal" stuff, didn't enjoy it, don't believe in "growing to like it" or "aquired taste".

>>36849157
>You don't get it. This place has a clear subject and is not real-time, unlike, y'know, real conversations.

So, you can still learn theory about how to do in real time conversations. It's not all practice.

>/tg/

I've done a bunch of 40k models myself. I have enough 40k material to keep me busy for 2 years in a row, pretty sure. Stopped working on my Black Legion troops a long time ago. I have Blood Angels and some Orks, a dreadnaught, a load of Necrons, etc. Used to play with my LO.

>>36849279
The thing is, it's not even mainstream /tg/. I can't stand 40k and D&D for a variety of reasons, for example. I do like Call of Cthulhu, and absolutely adore some other niche games, but they are either too obscure or attract people I'd prefer having nothing in common.

>>36849279
And, in my experience, it really is all practice. Theory is so retardedly simple I doubt it can even be called so.

>>36849500

I mostly do modelling, I rarely played the game, and only ever played with my fiancee.

>>36849592
>And, in my experience, it really is all practice. Theory is so retardedly simple I doubt it can even be called so.

It probably is because you're so sure you know that you don't know and mess up.

>>36848348
I actually enjoyed the job I had while I was in.

My new job now is kind of stressful though.

>>36849753
>It probably is because you're so sure you know that you don't know and mess up.

Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?

>>36849879
What did you do, and what do you do now?

>>36849888

Kek be praised.

You think the theory is easy, yet you don't master it. It probably is because you underestimate the theory that you fail.

>>36850096
Of course I didn't master it, because that's what practice is for. You can't learn to juggle by reading about it.

>>36850169

All right, so give me what you know of the theory.

>>36850073
I was a 2621 in the Marines, and now I'm a mental health worker at a psychiatric hospital.

>>36850348
No idea what the first is, but it sounds like a significant departure.

>>36850222
Act like a normal human being with a personality and emotions. Treat others like so.

That's it. This is all there is. This discussion is pointless.

>>36850433
2621 = special communications signals intercept operator/analyst. Which was pretty cool, but naturally I couldn't keep doing that once my mental health problems got worse.

>>36850455

There are no details in this. I don't think you got your theory down at all.

I'm not sure you know how to act like a normal human being and such.

I have to sleep, next time.

>>36850491
Sleep well, and try not to stress too much if you can help it.

>>36850473
See you later Nick. Next time.

>>36850491
>I'm not sure you know how to act like a normal human being and such.

Well, duh, I said that already.

Goodnight. There won't be a next time.

>>36850473
Originality is a delusion, nothing is original.

What do you reckon then, should I do an eating challenge at a bar? I feel as though it's both a good and a bad idea. I dreamed about it last night, so that probably means I should do it right?

>>36850662

Don't. You have no practice and would injure yourself.


Nick from bed.

>>36850662
I'd say do it, you will only live once, do what you wish now and die without a regret.
Keep us posted mate.

>>36850692
Don't listen to this guy he's a narc

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>>36850692
>>36850727
I'll meet you each half way and only do it if I'm especially hungry. I might just do the unreasonably hot wings one. Who do those spices think they are, telling me what I can and can't eat? The more I think about it the more annoyed I become at some hypothetical pieces of chicken trying to boss me around. This picture works on two levels.
FUCK YOU CHICKEN I AM A MAN AND YOU A MERE FOWL

>>36850727
Kek.

facman will blow his belly out if he goes. He'll want to impress. He'll fuck his shit up.

>>36850900
That's why I picked the spicy ones rather than the excessive quantity ones. I have to admit, I do not like to lose. That's why I think eating chicken that makes me cry seems reasonable. It's basically just pain tolerance. I'm starting to think that perhaps this is about something else.

>>36851117
You want to suffer in public.

>>36851117
Is it about the void in your soul you desperately try to fill with meaningless actions that aren't worth the effort and won't even bring the feeling of accomplishment?

>>36851144
Wew I hadn't considered that at all actually

>>36851176
This is more what I was thinking

>>36851203
Get out of /r9k/,never come back and start doing something that's meaningful to you. Preferably not related to computers or the interwebs. Eventually you'll git gud and feel the sense of achievement you crave.

>>36842342
Hey I've been seeing your threads for a while but never bothered to post in them so here I go.
I'm an 19 y/o socially akward loser that has a small group of friends that I only see at college.
Outside of college I have no life at all and just spend my days in my room playing pc.
I've been trying to improve for the past year(taking cold showers, lifting, eating healthy, nofap) but nothing seems to really have changed except that now I'm horny, hungry and sore from my workouts most of the time. I want to go outside and do some normie shit but I don't know what to do without looking creepy since I'm alone.
I felt like shit before since I wasn't doing anything to improve and I feel like shit now because almost nothing has changed. I've been contemplating suicide lately as it seems like the only escape from this hell.
Fix me plz

>>36851329
Describe work out

>>36851295
I'll be sure to b my are self on the way out friend
I am actually doing something I considered to be fairly meaningful but like alcohol, sex, relationships, BDSM, drugs, fitness, violence and academic achievement it doesn't really make me happy. Thanks anyway though.

>>36851408
It's not about being happy. Most people aren't. It's about having a goal, or a purpose, and following it without stopping or giving up.

Or thinking that you have one, which is the same.

Do you have a dream?

>>36851366
Are you asking what my workouts consist of ?
If its not a cardio day I usually do some squats and then depending on the muscle group I bench press/ohp/bentover dumbbell rows + exercises on machines

>>36851504
Unfortunately I seem to have unironically given up on my dreams and/ or missed the boat on them

>>36851564
Well, did you have any? Tell me about them.

>>36851603
Well alright, but it's a bit embarassing. First I wanted to get into pro wrestling but I dislocated my shoulder, it healed wrong and I never really got back into it. Then I started judo far too late in life to get to any kind of impressive height. I'm good, but not amazing and too old to get anywhere with it beyond regionals. I also got more injured there, and my ankle is permanently damaged. I also wanted to be a writer. My first book was torn to shreds and I lost the motivation to write. I might go back to it one day, but I almost don't dare to try again. I'm not sure I even want to. So there we go.

hi, I've done nothing productive in 4 days, smoked weed yesterday and made me completly depressed today
>tfw classes tomorrow
>tfw you have to choose some kind of path in life when you don't actually want a life
hope you guys are doing ok

>>36851821
Nice to see you again. I've done about the same minus the weed. Ate a lot though.

>>36843681
in my experience this kind of feelings never go away once they kick in, you better start building a new "self", don't ask me how because i'm on the same boat

>>36851504

Most people are happy.

>>36851528
Drop cardio and replace by rest days. You shouldnt be sore nonstop. Doms should end eventually.

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>>36851966
That seems impossible. Why would people be happy? Content? Maybe. Coping? Sure. But happy?

>>36847381
hope the army sets your ass straight boi

>>36852020

Most people's brains aren't raped with cptsd like ours.

>>36852084
Oh yeah. Still hard to imagine people being consistently more happy than either sad or numb. As though like was a net positive experience. How can that be when most people spend so much of their lives in mundane jobs that make them miserable, for example?

>>36848098
hmm I know that feel
the only people I feel like they are not hanging with me are some HS friends that in USA terms would fit into what you guys call "white trash"
everyone who is a little bit "better" (?) makes me feel uncomfortable as fuck, people who "well adjusted" seem really unsincere to me, I know they are thinking "hmm this guy is fucked but I guess not hanging with him makes me a bad person" I know this is paranoid, but I just see it in their eyes

>>36852165
Happiness is like a drug that protects your soul. Context matters less when your brain is happy.

Nick from bed

>>36848574
Because deep down you know is all worthless
protip: everyone knows that, specially past 40 years old people

>>36852223
Makes sense that people chase something like it in the form of other drugs when they don't have it then.

>>36851329
I'm on the same situation famalam, if you find a solution please let me know

The asylum night watch is a solitary affair it seems.

Will the thread sail over the edge?

>>36853641
It might, just give it time.