loneliness general

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>>36806257
Gonna lurk this thread for potential.

>>36806257
>grew up poor and innadesert
>had good friends growing up but most moved after my neighborhood got a case of the niggers
>neighborhood went to shit but family was too poor to move out
>didn't matter, got evicted when the housing market crashed anyways, started drifting around that age of 13
>spent most of my time alone in what ever city my parents found themselves in
>both parents were depressed so no one kept tabs on me
>only friend was little brother and cousin I'd see every now and then
>turn 18 and enlist, best 4 years of my life
>get out and back to square one, unemployed, shitposting on 4chan most of the time
>living with dad again, never leave the house and dad does his own thing
>only had sex with sluts and hookers, never had a meaningful relationship in my life
>saving up money so I can hop in my car and drive off to who knows where

anyone else /drifter/ here?

i rolled dubbs in a nofap thread

no fap for a week now

>>36806349
I'm planning to be one for exactly one year, like a real "walk the US" dude
I've been a drifter of sorts my whole life too

>>36806257
I don't think that's supposed to be Goya

Looks like Pepe is Tsathoggua to me

I've been lonely and isolated most my life, but it doesn't bother me as often anymore. I just can't bring myself to care about interacting with most people, and they don't seem interested in interacting with me either for whatever reason (usually because I have some sort of reputation and I always find myself in these incestuous groups that gossip).

I was at a party last night and felt lonelier being there than I would have if I had just not gone and shitposted on here by myself instead. I actually took some molly to open up, but in retrospect I feel like everything I said will be used against me to expand my reputation.

I'm open about my self, and it seems to turn people off. The problem is that you can't put the cat back in the bag. Once others have preconceived notions of you, you can't really change them.

>>36806349
im not really a drifter but i have moved countries 4 times and, continents 3 times , my childhood was very unstable , i went to 6 different schools , and dont have any childhood friends, the repercussions of this are crippled social skills , massive confidence issues and an addictive personality

>>36806456
I've been up and down the Pacific Coast and through Arizona, Nevada and Utah

I just miss my friends from the Military, at least most of them got their shit together

Im happy for them

>>36806519
what kind of reputation do you have anon?

sometimes being in places where you can observe average social interaction of normies really brings into perspective how little interaction we have with the people around us

>>36806525
i was considering joining the military , i would like to make some money and feel like a useful cog in a machine without having to worry about fulfilling the lowest tier of maslows hierarchy of needs, dont have any problems with violence either , i became desensitized as a kid because i saw people being lynched and burned alive

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>>36806625
If you're looking for a fight worth fighting for you won't find it in the military, outside of fighting to keep your friends alive, we've been effectively whored out to fight in bullshit wars for bullshit reasons

Also, most infantrymen don't see combat anymore, just SOF tier guys

Seeing people die, even in gruesome ways, isn't so bad when its somebody you don't know or if its someone you have contempt for

When its your buddy getting burned to a crisp in a vehicle burning so hot that you get 2nd degree burns standing near it however, thats something else entirely

>>36806519
>I'm open about my self,

This is also a problem for me because my interpretation of myself and my aspirations or desires or whatever else changes drastically depending on my mood. So if I tell somebody about myself one time, it may not be as accurate the next when my mood changes. It wasn't a lie then, but now it isn't as true.

I'm a very mercurial person. This has played havoc with my life and relationships, but it has also produced a vivid emotional life that others will never get to experience.

Some people seem to think I'm autistic, but it's quite the opposite.

>>36806737
i only have one friend and he wouldnt be allowed in the military because he does too many drugs and is also gay

>>36806573
My reputation anywhere I go is always one of being out of place, not belonging there. Then when others try to help me integrate into the group, everything I try to tell them about myself gets amplified by the group to the point that it becomes disorienting and I become more of a collection of traits than a person.

The group always talks about me right in front me like I don't notice that they're doing it or like they think they're being subtle or whatever.

I don't always like having to play little mind games with everyone, but I always feel like that's what others try to force me into.

>someone pats me on the back and tells me to have a nice summer
>startled and realize it's the first human contact I've had in months

This is a lesser example, but still.

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ITT: people who need lrn2greentext

>>36807147
Yeah, I've been going for months without physical contact. I don't mind just hooking up with people I know, but taking time to find random strangers to hook up with isn't very interesting to me usually.

>maybe one friend through elementary school
>no friends in junior high
>one friend in high school
>no friends in university
>no friends as an adult

The older I get, the more I get used to being completely isolated from people. But there's nights like tonight when I still have pangs of loneliness that cut to my very core.

I think it's impossible to make friends as an adult male.

I just wish I knew what it is about me that is so repulsive to both me and women that I haven't had a meaningful relationship in over 18 years...

>>36807030
i know that feel , i have a really messed up accent from moving around so much (i am white) , sometimes people treat me like im slow because i have a tendency to chop my syllables and roll my "r's" slightly but pronounce my vowels in the manner of the British upper class.
>im foreign not retarded , my vocabulary is far more extensive than most peoples , but my syntax is fucked from being exposed to adapting socially to the butchered African variant of English as a teen

have you experienced the issue of being far too sensitive to other peoples body language and possibly misinterpreting behavior in a negative manner because you are far too invested in a casual conversation?

>i do

>>36807361
i hope that someday you find happiness anon ,
or at the very least the pain stops .

>>36806737
you are right , but sometimes i just like fighting, i used to go to the city and fight drunk people , last time i went , i took things too far and really hurt someone , haven't been to the city since, are you an American?
were you ever deployed, if so where to?
once i had the pleasure of talking to an army ranger who had just got out , he told me that they routinely broke rules of engagement ,use steroids and get high , and kill who they please , is there any truth to this?
he told me that his unit were the first to trial tracking point systems for the army in a battlefield if that gives him any authenticity

>>36807222
i am a long time lurker, please excuse my poor formatting

>>36807801
If we are being honest here idk how2greentext. I just wanted to taste them trips

>>36807628
I'm too sensitive as a whole, but the sensitivity doesn't emotionally affect me like it used to, either because of age or heavy drinking for years by myself. I don't think I'm misinterpreting others' behavior. I think they find interacting with me to be awkward because of their preconceived notions, not because of anything I'm doing in the moment.

part 2:
> when i masturbate my fantasies become so intense i sometimes feel like im having sex, actually feel warm spots on my body and pretend that it is heat from my girlfriend , after i climax the delusion shatters i will often end up in tears , have gotten to the point where i have given my imaginary gf a personality and have fallen in love with her , sometimes when im crossing the road i catch myself reaching out to hold her hand, i know this is unhealthy and can only end poorly , but i keep doing it because its the only part of my madness that i derive any enjoyment from, i tried to give her a voice these days, i stopped once i started hearing people whispering my name when nobody was around me , it was very unsettling , the only difference between the audio hallucinations and real life is that the hallucinations arent distorted by background noise.

>>36807361
Yes, very relatable. I usually don't have any friends either, now being one of those times. Others just sort of tolerate me at most. 4chan is my social interaction, which is why I'm so obsessed with it.

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> i used to do lots of research on brainwashing and sometimes fantasize about kidnapping and brainwashing a girl into being in love with me.

Something similar for me. I've fantasized about "keeping" a female as a pet...sans abuse and rape. I think it would be the epitomizing peak of amusement and fascinating.


Can I keep you?

The only girl I ever pursued and had true feelings for cucked me with some pill head loser she only knew for a month. 20 year old virgin here, never been in a real relationship. A few women have told me I'm incapable of love and they're right.

Loneliness has taken its toll on me, im depressed as fuck, I don't sleep well, my face looks like its starting to develop wrinkles, I have large dark circles under my eyes. I woke up at 4pm today and was still exhausted. I just want a gf thats patient and understanding, i can be intimate with and help me learn to love.

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>>36807772
Yea Im American, I was sent to the sandbox, spent most of my time in the Kuwait/Iraq border

In a strange twist of events, I got nearly blown to pieces twice but never once saw combat, both times were either accidents or my LT being a dumbfuck

One of the guys in my platoon that we all loved was killed in one of those accidents and since I gotten out 3 have died, all suicides

As for what the Ranger said, it was only in the "Wild West" days that you could get away with that, the Army was notorious for doing shit like that

Most of my seniors were vets of those days and they said the only reason they did stuff like that was because they were forced to like in Ramadi when the entire male population stabbed the Marines in the back after helping them rebuild for damn near 5 months

People do drugs all the time in the military, Ecstasy, Coke and LSD is out of your system in 24 hours so you could do all that over the weekend and not pop on a piss test

And then there's alcohol and all sorts of other degenerate shit like hookers and sluts,

>>36808233
I should have joined the military and died in combat. That would have been so much more fulfilling than what I'm doing now.

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>>36808299

Our only hope now is to hope that the US descends into a civil war, I'll finally get to fight for my country and if I die it'll be alright

I'll either die and live forever if the US saves itself or be spared having to watch the US turn into Brazil

>>36808355
Yeah, maybe you're right. I think I could get into killing people if I had to. I'm pretty much over trying to get good with other people by now.

>>36808109
i didnt want to abuse them , just to change them to love me
>>36808132
i hope you find one anon
>>36808233
the guy who i was talking to was fresh out , that was back in 2015 , the way he described it was more like they were given implicit orders to go mental in certain areas , and the higher ups would turn any recording devices off and other stuff , he also talked about doing kill capture missions , i wont lie , i was incredibly impressed with what he was saying and genuinely want to believe it because it sounds good to my ears when i rehash interesting stories people have told me over the years

>I had a happy childhood. I showed artistic and musical talent at a young age, really enjoyed reading
> Family moves around to other states twice within 5 years.
> By the time I was in middle school, they noticed something was 'off' about me. Teachers thought I was bright, but also difficult. Stuck me in the 'home room' for sperg/retard kids for a year, until my parents fought to take me out.
>Didn't adjust well to the second move. I gained a reputation as a weirdo loner/potential school shooter.
> Had no real friends until junior year of HS. Even then, I felt like I was an outsider, kept on the periphery of the social group. I felt I was stuck in a niche as the weird kid who draws random gross-out pictures to try to amuse or get a rise out of people
> Went to college. Became increasingly interested in fringe extreme death-to-amerikkka leftism. This is the middle of the Bush years, so it's the most edgy rebellious thing I could think of.
> You'd think college would be a good environment for that, but everyone is actually really normie and apolitical. same dynamic. Token weird communist kid who drew funny pictures. No gf. Start smoking lots of weed and posting on 420chan.
> QT girl leads me on for a few months then reveals she's not into me.
> Graduate with music degree
> I work menial shit part-time jobs, and eventually get involved with activist organizations. Hoping to find a sense of belonging there, but they were mostly gay or mentally ill. Live in the ghetto. Get ass beat and robbed due to roommate trying to befriend everyone.
> Participate in Occupy movement. At first, it feels good to connect with so many other people who seem to be on the same page
> Still no gf. Virginity lost when some random girl fucks me just to take my wallet and the $7 I had in there. SJW shit really starting to get on my nerves.
oh shit out of space

>>36809865
> older women senses my desperation and gloms onto me. she's a suicidal alcoholic basket case who acts verbally abusive and talks ghetto while drunk
>break it off. the closest I've ever had to a real gf was a nightmare
> start browsing /pol/, weightlifting, dieting
> slowly power level begins to come out, lose most of my old friends
> take a bunch of vocational training, get a construction job
> pays well but it seems like everyone's a chad. listening to radio country, getting laid is like nothing to them
> company gets bought out, work dries up
>thinking of taking more training to learn another skill
> I guess I'm more mature and level headed now
> but still, every now and then, the fact that I've almost gone through my 20s with no gf kills me

often loudly talk to myself

Im 26 and two years ago the loneliness became incredibly crushing. Not just from being alone but from the fact that even as I slowly built a couple of relationships with people from my last job in my city and from high school those people could not truly help. You could call them normies but they are also damaged in other ways that we have not seen. They are like functioning cyborgs with a bit of degeneracy and I see through I guess thanks to silently observing people from the distance for so long. It is not hard to maintain contact with them and hang around once in a while but it feels empty at times. Even did this dating thing with two girls thanks to these friends but it never worked out after a longer time. Through this I slowly realized I have broken through this social anxiety retardation. I also slowly worked for a first real job I now have which I not hate. That means a lot after being a college dropout and stacking shelves and working in a warehouse.
At the end of it all I realized I truly have at least the basic life experience of the decent things we all strive for but with the realization of value you also see the element of vanity in things.

It came to a point I searched for "god in modern times" two years ago. It has been a very slowly shift from my edgy atheist self. The greatest theological works throughout the time are the first people I heard who have not talked out of their ass. Thomas Aquinas, St. Augustine, Thomas Kempis, Peter Hitchens, William Lane Craig, Ravi Zacharias and now Jordan Pererson.

I am not sure what to call myself, but this faith that I slowly realised changed my view of life.

Honestly the only thing I give a shit about now is hard work towards that down payment, truly becoming at least a bit of a person Christ likes and doing volunteer work in my spare time where I can help people since I am not afraid of them anymore but I am understanding of them like only a few people truly are.

Also, one day a family and a kid.

I had a few friends in highschool, but we basically grew apart. They decided to become edgy /b/tards and it ended pretty poorly when I was around 16. I sort of just coasted forward at that point, and I started throwing myself into MMOs to substitute what I was missing socially. Anyways I became one of those turbo neckbeard raiders and I developed a sense of self built around that.

Fast forward to 22, I realize it's fucking stupid and go to college even though people from highschool are now graduating. I struggle to connect with my peers and now I don't have stupid internet friendships to fall back on. I'm now about to turn 25, I only have one friend and at times I have to wonder how genuine it is. I'm just forcing myself forward since getting that degree will be useful, but I don't know what else to do.

>>36807992
yeah man avoid the voices path at all times you gotta stop that unhealthy imagination projection, when you use your mind like that too hard you are making yourself vulnerable to hallucinations that are 100% of the time unpleasant and creepy. break dat shit bro. don't do anything that escaltes those hallusinations and examine what behavoirs or mental practices you perform on a daily basis that might be contributing to those negative mental side effects. stomp it out while it's weak. and whenever you catch yourself in that imaginative mindset, break it off and think of something else. ye.

in a fit of paranoia deleted all of my porn after doing a hit and run after bumping into a parked car while backing out earlier.
How fucked am I?

>>36806257
benn in complete isolation for year now... never actually feel alone, as if i would want to go out and make actuall friends. i know it's not an option for me anymore. however, i don sometimes get lonely, which is, as far as i can see it, not that bad thing at all. i can enjoy music, movies, books, etc, more deeply than i could while in normal state of mind.

>>36809947
If it makes you feel better gfs are overrated , lived with mine for 2 years after being together for 5 and I miss living by myself and having the freedom to do whatever whenever, the sex is not worth it

>fairly normie
>was age 21 and too poor to live on my own
>my dad gets a job in Guernsey, middle of fucking nowhere and I have to go with him
>got a well paying job in insurance
>no friends
>now 23 (will be 24 in June)
>all i do is sit in my room playing world of Warcraft and getting drunk alone when folks are away on holiday
>all my old friends from back in the day stopped talking to me

End me now

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>>36815369
appreciate the sentiment but I don't feel better.
I know, from my brief experience, that having a gf has it's downsides. I don't even necessarily NEED a gf. I'd be happy to bang sluts, at least for a few years, before I settle down.
It's more the feeling of expending lots of energy to turn my life around and be desirable, and still not being wanted.
I go put myself out there in social situations, blend in with the crowd of Chads, and get this gut feeling- 'this is not me, there's no way these people could understand me, I have a profound feeling of spiritual disconnection from this world, I don't belong here'
Despite the money, physique, artistic talent, I still cannot escape my own INNER SPERG, and so I sit, like an action figure on a shelf in an abandoned store, collecting dust.