Feels thread

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I am a slower writer so bear with me

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>>36756017
>family dog gets diagnosed with bone cancer in october 2012
>had him since 2003, so for most of my life
>tumor starts forming on his right paw
>given a month to live
>month passes and he's still alive and kicking
>starting to slow down
>know we can't do anything
>he's going on 10 so chemo wouldn't be worth it as his life expectancy is 11-12
>FF to the end of january
>mother is walking him around the neighborhood
>suddenly he collapses
>back legs gave out
>help carry him back to the house
>he's mostly lame in his back legs
>its the end
>can't walk to take a shit
>still has control over some muscles so he doesn't shit all over the floor
>he's going to die from an infection before the cancer
>day after superbowl 47, when my favorite team won
>get home from school
>mother says its time
>help carry him into the car to put him to sleep
>as he's placed in there he looks at me
>I've never seen a gaze like this before, it shot through my soul and filled me with grief
>walk back into my house and my mother and brother take him to the vet
>burst out crying for ten minutes
>never was this sad over a death

We got a new dog that july, first time for my mother to go without a dog in her whole life. Wasn't an easy five months.

Pt. 2
>After about a year of of trying to find a school that was able to handle John my Dad tries to take him in
>He lives with my dad and gets into a few fights in the schools and in the trailer park there and so my dad drops him off one night without a word and leaves saying "he's your problem now"
>He goes into and out of different boy's homes until I'm 10
>Comes back to live with us because his behavior started to improve dramatically
>His behavior has improved insofar that he isn't picking fights with kids on the bus anymore, he's just become completely asocial rather than antisocial
>Still picks fights with Jack but pretends that he is "protecting" me, because throughout all of this he still sees himself as heroic
>Eventually just completely refuses to go to school and manages and becomes a ward of the state
>between the ages of 12-15 my life is incredibly calm

Bump (not spam)

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Pt. 3

>When I 15 John, who was 20 was no longer able to live on his own
>Although he was able to control himself in public and was able to find a job at a nearby shipping company
>After he is deprived of an outlet (having previously lived with our brother Jack and being able to get his ass kicked by him) starts to channel his rage towards me
>be a scrawny manlet who can't defend himself
>Only becomes violent when nobody other than him or I are within earshot
>Mom doesn't want to throw him out and she can't physically stop him from doing anything
>I try to call the cops on him and my mom manages to convince the cop that it was just a "spat between brothers"
>Have to live with him holding me down and wailing on me whenever the mood strikes for 2 years
>He finally moves out on his own
>HELL yeah
>A few weeks after he left I hold a bonfire with a few friends to celebrate his leaving
>Get a call from the police
>Find out John shot himself in the head
>mentally break
>everyone around is so sad he's dead
>I'm sad he's dead
>I'm happy he's gone

It's been years now and I still don't know how I feel about him. He had a good side too...

>>36757259
Even I don't know how I'd process those feels, I wouldn't dwell on it too much, it's in the past and it stays in the past

>>36756486
it's rough man, having to see them in pain before they go. RIP

>>36757259
Shit man that's a story.

I think you should just try to appreciate that you had him as a brother
Simply because there's 8 billion people in the world but you only had 2 brothers

I mean if it was because of a tumor I suppose you can't really blame him
Sounds like he was tortured by it as much as you
And it sounds like he didn't know how to talk about it
He mustve been totally alone with the knowledge of all the mistakes he had made

Its best to just understand that you're one of the only people that knows about his life and what he went through (and what he put you and your family through)

I want to say you should pity him but that's really not the right word

I guess its more of a recognize and understand the difficult life that you are one of the only witnesses to