I'm Jesus. Congratulations, you found me! Ask me anything.

how tight was magdalene

>>36704795
What's it like being an imaginary friend to so many people?

>>36704795
How does one life a just and righteous life?

>>36704795
>tfw cant JEEYYYZAAAZZpost because i bought a new pc and i dont have the truckin' and fuckin' image

end me

end me

>>36704813
Vaginas are supposed to loosen when the girl is turned on.
>>36704837
Great, I love getting inside people's heads and rooting around in their deepest fears

>>36704795
jesus can't give you back your life, he can only take it.

(you) are wicked after all

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>>36704871
habby chribbus anon

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>>36704858
Treat others as you wish to be treated. Like this man did

Why did it take you three whole days to respawn? Is the internet that shitty out in Jewland?

>>36704917
Wow, that's an old meme you got there kiddo

>>36704892
Who are you to say what I can and can't do?
You die alone. I just hold the keys to heaven or hell.
I'm gonna punish you, and you're gonna love it, baby

>>36704917
I never respawned. I just went to heaven, which is, surprise surprise, right back here with you dickheads. Welcome to hell.

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>>36704964
you can't go to hell when you die if there isn't an afterlife

>>36704901
thanks anon you are god amongst men

>>36705045
There certainly isn't one for you then. It's whatever you believe.

>>36704795
Will I be condemned to the eternal fire if I love men the way I'm supposed to love women?

>>36705052
>Jesus is op itt
>only one helping others is anon
really activates the old almonds

>>36705114
It's not mentioned in the ten commandments and I don't really care

>>36705100
I believe that when my body dies my consciousness will fill another body and I'll live life again as a different person

>>36704795
Why the fuck didn't my parents wear a condom?

>>36705123
Jesus is always anon, anon. That's what makes this game of hide and seek so fun.

>>36705100

What if you're agnostic with respect to the afterlife? Then where do you go?

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>>36704795
do you like cheap wine

Was the reformation a good thing?

which sect of Christianity is best?

>>36704901
I would like this more if it started, "land of the free and home of the brave"

>>36704795
Take me Jesus Christ

>>36705238
You go to a place where you're never 100% sure where you are

>>36705259
More of a Miller High Life guy myself
>>36705354
Bend over.

>>36704795
*raises paw*
Do cute animals go to heaven and how many mandatory snuggle sessions are there per day?

>>36705100
>>36705181
Oh my God I'm so glad you understand

>>36704795
Why did you needed to die to forgive humanity's sins?
Seems too convoluted to me, why not cut the middleman and just do it?

>>36705864
Because my father needed just one soul, mine, to take on the suffering of all humanity. Because my soul is also yours.
That's why I smoke American spirits and always share them with my friends.

>>36706002
Are you mad at your dad for that? He is god so he didn't really have to do that. He wanted to though. He wanted you to be whipped, beat, humiliated, hammered by your hands and feet to a crucifix and then die. You could have just been struck by lightning and killed if he just needed a life. He could have made another son to die instead of you. Maybe a retarded one who didn't know what was going on? He could have died at birth maybe?

Why should we believe you given this?:

http://biblehub.com/matthew/24-26.htm
http://biblehub.com/matthew/24-27.htm

>>36706062
No, I needed to atone for the world's sins. Such a process would not ever be quick and easy. He needed me to do it because only the perfect man could shoulder the world's wrongdoing.

>>36706137
I don't care if you believe me or not. Thats entirely up to you. Those passages do not say "do not believe people who say they are Jesus," they say "do not believe people who say they see Jesus."

>>36706137
And as for the second one, somewhere on earth right now there is lightning to both the east and the west. There I am also.

>>36704795
Could you ask your dad to kill me?
Or you could answer: Why did you make me only for me to fail???

since like 70 percent of the human body is water can you turn my body into wine and kill me instantly?

>>36706970
So you could learn to succeed. I will ask, but he likes to leave you alive to suffer if you don't appreciate the gift of Life.

>>36707001
I would rather hang you upside down, cut your throat, and drink your blood.

>>36707067
Thanks, i think i've 'appreciated' life for a bit too long
>ever being successful

K E K

Am I gonna die soon?
If not can you make it so I die soon?

>>36707221
I am seconding this for myself.

>>36707221
>>36707246
Why not just learn to appreciate life instead? You will be much prouder of yourself if you don't give up and reach the finish line on your feet

>>36704795
Is the Baha'i faith right about you?

>>36707300
>>36707221
>>36707246
>code for "KYS lol"

>>36707305
What specifically are you asking are they right about?

>>36704795
Alright "Jesus",
What the hell is going on? Do you ever think about me?

Why do you think people still doubt your father, LeBron? Did they not watch him destroy the Warriors last year?

>>36707818
The world is still turning. Always.

>>36707311
What hope is there for us when God was KHV?

>>36708120
Which God are you talking about? Me or my Father?

Please jesus. Get me a girlfriend in the next couple days. A good one. I just need something other then the ever collapsing thoughts and dreams that drive me.

>>36705601
The almonds will always understand. Anon is Jesus is Almond.

>>36708264
You need to have faith, but I will see what I can do. A couple of days can be a long time.

>>36704795
[spoilers]I LOVE YOU JESUS CUH-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST[/spoilers]

>>36704795
why have you forsaken me, jesus?

Lol you'd rather kill yourself than admit your arbitrary rules are stupid

>>36708934
I have not forsaken you, brother. If you believe that, you have forsaken yourself.

>>36709717
I actually have written off some of the ten commandments. Look it up for yourself.

>>36708899
I actua listened to this song earlier today. I already know it, but it is nice to hear.

>>36704795

Could you please abolish Hell?

>>36704795
Jesus, how the fuck do I fix my brain problem?

>>36704795
When will I get my reply back on twitter? Also what is my future regarding this reply?

If you really are Jesus you'll know exactly what I speak of.

>>36704795
why do we have to suffer?

>>36710075
It's not bad/harmful, and it's a totally fine way of thinking.

>>36710200
But that doesn't make any sense with regards to my questions.

Will her and I marry each other?

>>36710235
Ahh, okay. I just have in my mind a question I'd ask future me, or God, or similar, and that was the answer, which I posted just in the very off chance that you're me.

>>36710308
But its a yes/no question, you should be able to answer that regardless, if you're Jesus you're omnipotent.

Alright folks, it's been a good thread but I'm tired of the questions for now. I will be monitoring, but I will be back to answer your questions later. Try to answer each other's questions and love thy neighbor.

>>36710373
One last thing. That guy is not me, and I am not omnipotent, but my father is. Goodnight.

>>36710402
>left high and dry >>36710275

Story of my life.

>>36710463
That is entirely within your power, anon. Decide for yourself.

>>36710541
Nothing is within my power. Its all a waste, all a shame, I can't do anything right.

I'm gonna go over here and be sad, she'll never acknowledge me properly. ;_;

>>36710373
Yeah, I'm not the Jesus guy. But! I do need to correct you >>36710442. You are omnipotent, as am I, as are all of us, in the same way that your Father is, for we are all one and the same. We are a singular 'being' - in both ways. We are a being in that we are a living creature, but also because we exemplify existence, and the state of being. There's a reason the word 'being' has both definitions. We just live out every possible life experience over an infinite number of realities/universes. These human lives are a very small, yet entirely integral, portion of the dimensionless (and so both infinitely large, as well as infinitesimally small) point, within which exist all universes which have ever, do, and will ever exist, but outside of time and space. It's incredible, really. Just layers upon layers upon layers of infinities. It really, really is genuinely turtles all the way down.

>>36704795
How can I stop being a coward?

And who is the girl for me?

>>36704795
When I die can I stay in your hevanly kingdom?

>>36711139
You go wherever you want to go, anon. Don't worry!