Finally

>>36581387
I won't let your thread die without a single goodbye anon. Too bad it had to be this way

That's a shame. I hope you have no regrets.

Hope you really are sure of what you are doing anon, wish you the best enlightenment, whatever it may be

>>36581387
I will always love you , sleep well.

DONT DO IT ANON!!!!!!!

how selfish would it be!

>>36581387
Make a livestream.

>>36581387
I hope the next life is better to you than this shithole we were born in. Godspeed.

Do you have euthanasia you could share?

>>36581387
Gonna say this again make sure you jump from up high, third floor isn't going to do it.
Any way, bad luck, break a leg.

>>36581387
stop making this thread every day
it's getting old

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>>36581387
>I have a chronic medical condition that makes my life a living hell and no doctor can help me

Tell us about your medical condition, anon.

>>36581387
Hey OP, I have a question for you before you go. Do you remember before you were born? Of course not. Billions of years, an infinite amount of time passed BEFORE you were born. That same amount of time will pass after you die. Even if every day is horribly painful, why not just see through the tiny, minuscule amount of time you get to be alive. You have 78 Trillion years to be dead.

>>36582429
This.
This is how I think.
Just suffer through life, and when you realize that nothing you do matters and that you're just one of billions of maggots feasting on a ball floating through space, then you won't even mind anything. You are so small, OP.

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>>36581387
>Well, tonight is the night. I'm finally going to kill myself

"In the Kamigata area they have a sort of tiered lunchbox they use for a single day when flower viewing.
Upon returning, they throw them away, trampling them underfoot."

"The end is important in all things."
-The Hagakure

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see you in the country anon, whoever you are know that I would've loved you given the chance

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>>36582453
I never existed.
I'll see you in your new life, OP.
Enjoy your release.

>>36581387
Please share your wisdom first, you will be remembered.

>>36581387
goodbye anon, i'll pray for you.

>>36582453
I once had great promise, I was smart, athletic, good looking, and well liked. One day a freak accident occurred, a single second ruined a life that should have spanned a century.

I was just 12 years old, it was a spring day and I was playing baseball in little league. A small batter had just been up, so I was closer to home plate than normal to protect against a bunt. The current batter was a large power hitter, I thought to myself I should move back in case of a line drive, especially since he was using a composite bat which were banned in some leagues for causing too many injuries. I was playing third base, I shouldn't have been since I normally played second but there I was. Before I moved back I remembered my dad had told me lefties rarely hit to third base, so I changed my mind, I didn't back up.

The one time I didn't listen to my gut, the batter hit a line drive right at my face, curving up and away from my glove on my left hand. It directly hit my right eye, I fell back onto my palms, then collapsed onto my back. I could hear someone call for an ambulance, I was honestly in a state of shock. I got up after a few moments and sat on the bench as a mom who was a nurse talked to me in a panicky manner. I was calm, but blood was dripping from my eye. I had not idea of the gravity of my injury or how much suffering it would cause me, but I would know soon enough.

I had a detached retina, at least that's what the piece of shit doctor told me. He said I'd have to have an operation within the month to save the vision in the eye. I was just 12 years old, so I trusted my parents and the doctor entirely. I ended up having 2 surgeries to "save" the vision in my right eye. Once I "recovered" after a few months and finally was able to put take off my eye patch and put on a contact to see my new vision, I was totally devastated. The moment I put in my contact lens I started crying, the "saved" vision was horrendous, and to top it off I now had... cont.

>>36582991

Ya still got one good eye so far. Please go on anon.

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>>36582991
Fuck man, this demonstrates exactly why I never wanted to play sports - the potential for injury is insane. Granted, you're "lucky" in a sense that some men get paralyzed from athletics (like that dude on that talent show contest who tried jumping over a bunch of obstacles) but just the fact that a simple worthless game can ruin a life is crazy to me, I have no clue why normies pursue dangerous sports so often, there are so many safer ones like Tennis.

>>36581387
wanna give us some nudes before you go?

>>36583124
Asking the important questions.

Originally

>>36582991
he deleted his post, but I guess I'll finish my story anyways, it's all I have left...

... had double vision. I couldn't believe it. As a result of these botched surgeries I now had lost one of my four virtues, my athleticism. It was impossible to be good at sports with double vision, especially since my right eye had terrible vision now and no peripheral vision. Furthermore, I had become chubby since I was forbidden from moving or raising my heart rate during the months long recovery process and had to keep my head down at all times to allow an ocular gas bubble to "reattach" the retina. To make matters worse I in addition to being chubby I now had a lazy eye and a droopy eyelid, so I lost the second of my 4 virtues, being good looking.

Since during my recovery process I spent almost the entire day looking at the floor for two months, and because of the traumatic experience I had just had and my poor new look, I was very shy even though before the injury I had been funny and well liked. The friend group I had had since I was 7 years old stopped inviting me over and ghosting my invitations after just 2 months since I had become so withdrawn and shy. Instead of trying to help me, they just dumped me by the wayside, I felt betrayed and became even more withdrawn as a result. Consequently, I lost the third of my four virtues, being well liked.

From 12 to 14 I just floated through school, my experience had really fucked me up and I was largely withdrawn but at least I was still smart I thought. It was the last virtue I had left and I intended to make the most of it... cont.

>>36583249
i am listening anon

>>36583249
>they just dumped me by the wayside,

That's shitty, but that is how kids are at that age. Popularity and being cool is more important than staying loyal and being good to your friends. Most people grow out of this around highschool. What happened next? I am listening.

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See you on the other side, anon.

Original comment.

>>36583249
... it. I didn't really have a friend group from 12 to 13 and was depressed, but once I was 14 and a sophomore in high school, I met some kids in track who would become my new friend group. My parents made me do a sport, and since I couldn't do any of my favorite sports anymore because of my double vision, I had to do the one sport left, track. I absolutely hated it, track was a constant reminder of my lost athletic ability. Because of my injury and botched surgeries I thought, I now was relegated to the sport which in my mind was the worst of all. Every day of track taunted me, especially since it was such a lame sport to do and therefore made me even less liked than before. At least I finally had a friend group again though, after 2 years of not having one. They weren't the most popular kids and honestly were pretty weird, but it was better than nothing, they would be my high school friend group.

At the end of my sophomore year I had had enough of my double vision. It was constant torture and I wanted it to stop, I decided to have a surgery done to correct my lazy eye, therefore realigning the eyes and hopefully fixing my double vision and in my mind restoring my life to its previous state. Anyways, even if it failed I could just patch my right eye and move on with my life right? Once again fate decided to fuck me over, this time for good.

Unsurprisingly, given the trajectory of my life since I was 12, the surgery failed. However, it didn't just fail, now the double vision was now even worse since the two images were closer together, plus my droopy eyelid was even more severe. However, all of this was inconsequential compared to the real repercussion of this surgery, from the moment I tried to get out of bed from this surgery I was immensely dizzy and lightheaded. I couldn't think straight, it was and is like my head was in a fog, unable to think with the clarity and precision I had once had due to the severity... cont.

>>36583570
go on, I'm listening. Street signs

>>36583249

Why didn't you just sue for this so called "botched" surgery?

>>36583570
... severity of my at the time newfound sickness. Thus, I lost the final of my four virtues, my intelligence. The third surgery was truly the last nail in the coffin. I was constantly ill, and couldn't read and therefore study for longer than 1 or 2 minutes without becoming extremely dizzy and nauseous. Consequently my performance in school declined and my parents started chastising me for being "lazy". My dad even pegged my junior year as the year I "lost it" in terms of school, even though I was still getting As and Bs without studying (since I couldn't). My life has been a living hell since that third surgery, every moment is pure agony since I constantly feel dizzy, nauseous, and terribly ill. It only took a few months after the surgery for me to start fantasizing about suicide, to be able to end my suffering. Being a social outcast, ugly, and nonathletic were all fine. Even not being as smart as before was fine. But the constant physical suffering I endure at all times is too much to bear. It pushed me to the brink of suicide.

Despite this, I slogged through life and school. Everyday in school I would feel immensely sick and therefore never did any reading except for during tests and necessary homework assignments. I studied as sparingly as possible, and due to all the suffering I endured, I eventually was accepted to a pretty prestigious university when I was 17. It was nice at the time, but it honestly just made me bitter since I realize I could have gone to an even better school if I wasn't sick all the time and if my thoughts weren't clouded by the damnable brain fog that had persisted since the third surgery.

After 4 terrible years of high school, it was finally over and I was moving on to college... cont.

>>36583744
... college was awful. Since I was so sick all the time, I hardly socialized outside of my dorm room itself and therefore fell into a low social group once again, which was honestly fine except for the fact that we didn't go to parties at all (which I had fantasized about before my initial injury). Since I was too sick to study I just passed it off as me being lazy like I had in high school since I was so ashamed of being disabled from my third surgery.

Everyone gave me shit for being "lazy" but I honestly didn't mind since it was better than confronting the reality of my situation, that I myself had fucked over my last asset, my intelligence and ability to read. What sucked about college was that there was so much out of class coursework that you couldn't just get by on listening to lectures in most classes. Therefore, since I couldn't read any of the assigned readings, my grades fell to Bs since I could only listen to lectures and studied as much as I could despite it making me immensely sick even though I was hardly reading at all. I honestly didn't mind the dropped grades, but it stressed me out since I knew my dad would pester me. The entirety of my freshman year, when I was 18, was pretty horrible. My roommate was no the best, and I was ill all the time, although unlike high school I couldn't rest in peace to try and ease my sickness since my roommate was always in the room.

By the end of my freshman year, I decided that I was done with being so ill all the time and elected to go on medical leave until I could read again. I came home for the summer and immediately saw my initial surgeon who told me there was nothing he could do. The third surgeon (whose surgery is the one that truly fucked me over), literally ghosted me and wouldn't return any of my calls and told me to see other people at our appointments. I realized I was truly fucked... cont.

>>36583249
So that's when you learned of the selfishness of people.

>>36583744
>Being a social outcast, ugly, and nonathletic were all fine. Even not being as smart as before was fine. But the constant physical suffering I endure at all times is too much to bear. It pushed me to the brink of suicide.

I know that feel too well. Being an outcast was always shit but constant suffering is something else entirely. It changes you. Molds you into this nervous wreck, or at least it did for me. Everything is numb compared to before.

I know the feeling well, anon.

>>36583974
I have none of the set backs you faced, no excuses and I still could not even fucking make it to university with my shit high school grades. I barely got into college. You didn't lose your intelligence. You're WAY less of a fuck up then you think.

>>36583974
such a sad story anon, I hope you find peace

>>36582233
i don't really get this argument. i see people saying this all the time but i don't understand how you think suicide could be selfish. how is suicide selfish

>>36583974
... in the last year I've seen literally dozens of doctors desperately searching for a solution. I have finally come to point where my medical options are exhausted, none of the doctors can even tell me what's causing my debilitating symptoms and it infuriates me that they are the ones who fucked up my perfectly good life yet they can't fix what they broke. If I hadn't had those first two surgeries I at worst would have been blind in my right eye and moved on with my life. However instead I'm stuck in this living hell, and every waking moment is pure suffering.

Today I finally exhausted my last medical option, the last of hundreds of doctors I've seen in the last 7 years has given up on my seemingly unique condition.

It has finally dawned on me in full that I will never get better, I can no longer hide behind the veil of the next appointment or doctor magically rectifying what others could not. I would have been satisfied with simply not being sick at all times, fuck the four virtues. But instead I'm condemned to this endless suffering. Today it all ends for good, I promised myself after my third surgery that I wouldn't kill myself until all my medical options were eliminated. Well, here I am 5 years later, out of options, and still in the living hell I was thrust into then.

This is truly the end of my story, a life of such promise completely ruined because of one moment, one decision not to step back because of faulty advice. It's all I think about, fuck the greedy shithead doctors who disabled me, fuck my parents who have failed to weed out the greedy doctors for their helpless 12 year old son, none of that fucking matters. If I had simply stepped back in that one moment, my life would be drastically different. Instead, here I am, 19 years old and set on suicide after exhausting my last medical option... cont.

>>36584095
Because it makes normalfags uncomfortable in some way.

Much like >>36583249 where his friends left him because he acted different after going through something that disabled him.

They'd rather one suffer than have to face that slight amount of negativity/uncomfortability.

Not that I'm for suicide, but I understand why people do it and don't blame them. Normalfags don't have to put up with constant pain and suffering along with reminders they'll never fit in. They think depression and anxiety are temporary feelings.

>>36583974
Have you tried what this anon suggested? >>36583692

>>36584242
That's a tough story anon. You have been fucked around by shitty doctors and shitty parents. I don't know how to make you feel better and I'm not going to try to convince to not to kys, because it would be disingenuous and ignorant to tell you bullshit like "it will get better". It might, but it might not. What I can say is nothing can take away your intelligence, which I guarantee is well above average. You're 19 and smarter then my dumb 24 year old ass. Don't let the fuckers who screwed you be the ones who define you, cause you're better than that.

Is your name mikey?

Well go ahead, Hannah Baker. Which tape is mine?

>>36584242
Anon I wouldn't recommend suicide as the way out. Push through the hell and embrace it, in a way. You get used to it, partially. As much as you can get used to it.

I accepted that this is what life is a long time ago. You should too.

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>>36581387
Don't off yourself, asshole. Remember that this guy is looking out for you and all you've got to do is let him into your heart.

I mean, if you're going to shoot yourself or something at least that first.

>>36584242
How can you type this? Please do something big before you an hero, like buy 50,000 loaves of bread and distribute them to poor kids of Chicago.

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>>36584580
Follow this guys idea and take out as much money as you can from credit cards and loans and stuff and give it all to people who need it.

If you go around handing out blankets and food and stuff and then you hang yourself everyone will remember you as chill but troubled at least. Maybe even something in the newspaper.

Again, don't do it. So long as you're alive there's a way forwards!

>>36584242
... option. I guess what you anons can take away from my tragic circumstances is that one simple mistake, a single moment of lapsed judgement can irreversibly ruin a perfectly good life. Life is not fair, it does not discriminate, it does not spare a perfectly happy and healthy 12 year old for a single lapse of judgement based on bad advice anymore than a seasoned criminal and murderer.

It does not hold back in dispensing suffering, regardless of how much you have already lost and been beat down with. There is no justice in the world, what goes around does not come around, being tough through endless suffering will not always bring you to a happy end, and those who have been smote with suffering can always have their life worsened.

However, the ultimate truth I feel, is that you haven't truly lost everything until your good health is gone. Chronic suffering is truly the greatest curse, a hell on earth, and now that my last escape from this eternal hell has been sealed before my very eyes today, I have decided to end it all tonight.

I do not expect an afterlife, I do not expect darkness, I simply expect me to not be anymore. This is the choice that I have made, I have realized my suffering will not end while I live, and have decided to bring mercy upon myself when no one else has.

So, I ask you anons, if you have nothing to your name, no job, no girlfriend, no talent, no skill, no respect, no dignity. If you are healthy, at least be thankful for your good health, because once that is gone you truly will have nothing.

I am a loser, but very thankful for my health. Sorry for all the pain you have gone through. Pass in peace.

>>36584653
thank you for your story, anon

>>36584653
>It does not hold back in dispensing suffering, regardless of how much you have already lost and been beat down with. There is no justice in the world, what goes around does not come around, being tough through endless suffering will not always bring you to a happy end, and those who have been smote with suffering can always have their life worsened.

Not enough people understand this.

There is no happy ending after going through certain things. You will be permanently changed. You get disorders that stay with you for life, and only more will come over time.

The goal should be coping with them; being able to live through it all. Not blindly hoping it will fix itself later, because that's what the normalfags say when they feel sad. That's the only reason this is said when people mention these kind of problems. Normalfags cannot comprehend anything close to this, like I said before.

At best life has ups and downs, but it's entirely random and there is no indication that it will ever be better than when you thought it couldn't get worse at one point.

Like I said, you should live with it, anon. But if you think this is the way, I'll see you at the crossroads.

>>36584653
hey anon, snce you're planning to hurt yourself anyways, why not just poke out your bad eye and call an ambulance? maybe be blind in 1 eye and regain the ability to read? i mean, it's worth a shot. and if it turns out worse, then i guess you have your last resort

>>36585072
I've already tried patching my bad eye for months, which eliminates the double vision, but I am still very sick. Trust me, I've tried everything. I think there is scarring withing the eye from the surgeries or on the nerves that is causing this, so even if I went as far as removing the eye it's extremely unlikely it would fix it. Regardless, the worse thing about this is that the doctors aren't even sure what's wrong/causing my symptoms, this is easily the worst part since it makes it not treatable and makes my parents think I'm mentally ill since the doctors are too incompetent to figure out what went so horribly wrong with their surgeries.

>>36585190
Post a picture of you, anon.

>>36585190
damn. im sorry to hear that. can I ask you where you live? maybe the doctors in your area just suck

I wouldnt give up hope till you've seen a reputable doctor I dont know if thats feasible for you. I honestly wish you the best whether this be your last night or not OP.

>>36581387
>at least be thankful for that, until your health is destroyed you still have a chance
fucking attention whore isn't going to kill himself fuck off

>>36583692
>Why didn't you just sue for this so called "botched" surgery?

Probably because there's no actual negligence involved and no malpractice. Just a bad outcome, which is not necessarily something you can sue for.

I dont think that suicide is selfish, in fact the only person who you're hurting is yourself. Suicide won't benefit you at all man, go for a run around the block and then see if you still wanna kill yourself dude

Don't kill yourself anon. Tbh I don't know what it's like to live with your condition but there's always at least the possibility that things will improve. If you kill yourself that's the end of any future hope. Now I personally think committing suicide will send you to a bad place with much worse pain and suffering, so I really would prefer you stay alive. You can call me a silly christfag for that, and I understand that I'm not going to convince you of anything regarding God right now, especially since you are suffering and probably don't like God too much. But even from an atheistic perspective, all you have to look forward to is eternal nothingness if you kill yourself now. That's literally the best case scenario.

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>>36581387
Good goy, go through with it! Your life is worthless!

>>36584653
As an anon with several conditions including asthma and crohn's disease, I think your story also challenges the blind faith some anons might have in modern medicine. It can be really amazing but it's certainly not magic, and doctors aren't gods, they're merely technicians. Sometimes they have no fucking idea of what is happening and what they're doing. Crohn's meds are currently killing my heart and it's become apparent to me, for having talked with other patients, that if I let docs have their way with me it might end up badly. To anons with health problems: if you have a doubt, always get a second or third opinion.

I could have been you. I have achalasia and a megaesophagus and some doc wanted to put me on a randomized treatment. I refused but I might have got a bit of my esophagus cut, at a time where the technique wasn't as good as it is today. I remember the story of a dude who got that and his esophagus teared all the way and they ended up removing his esophagus completely. He ended up killing himself. He did nothing wrong but trusting doctors.

I refused that treatment and went for dilations, which is less invasive.

>>36587909
Anon if he's really in pain that doesn't help at all. When you're in pain you just want the pain to stop because pain prevents you from functionning normally and enjoying anything.

>>36584653
You know what would be hillarious? That your suicide fails and you lose a 5th virtue you didn't even know you had. Considering your track record this is the most likely outcome.

At least post a photo of yourself before you go. That way you might be remembered versus the countless other robots who have talked about killing themselves and went through with it. Nobody should have to live with chronic suffering after all options have been exhausted. Who knows, you might even get in the news and become a cautionary tale for those in the medical field.

>>36581387
If your not memeing I suppose Commiting sadoku ain't a bad idea... but I think your curable and doctors will find a way if you just wait.

I don't want to encourage suicide, but I wish you the very best in whatever course you are deciding to take. Whether it be continuing to live or ending it all, I'll still send my wishes to you. Good luck my man

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>>36581387
This anon says goodbye.

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I'm sorry for your pain, OP.
May you pass peacefully.

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>>36588059
Don't meme.
Not in this thread.

Well,all we can hope for now is that OP did not fucked up his suicide.

Goodbye dude. Are you sure you don't want to go out with heroin? It feels pretty good.

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Thanks for the story OP.

Don't fucking do it. Please.

if you live a natural life you will live long enough to enjoy advances in medical technology to not only see your injuries healed but enjoy your newfound health for a long time

>>36589083
>implying greed won't suppress or make said technologies impossible for the common person to ever obtain
It's been done before if you buy conspiracy theories.

>>36581387
have you considered that one of the docs may have left a needle inside your eye socket and forgot to take it out?

That happens more often then you think during surgeries, I'm sure you've heard stories of surgeons accidentally leaving scissors, needles, a roll of stiches, or even saws inside a patient's body.

>>36589666

That's why this is a thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsNpfMldtyk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REyers2AAeI

>>36590101
It is now in the current year in certain countries, but not every hospital or every surgeon for that matter is the gold standard, people make mistakes, and standards weren't as good a decade ago when OP did his surgeries.

And OP did not post again, ever.

>Autumn ends: Frogs settle down into the earth.

>>36584653
I hope you find peace, OP.

>>36584653
>wear an eyepatch

No more double vision. Let go of your eye.

>>36591671
How about you read the fucking thread before making stupid fucking posts

OP don't off yourself please. I know living with a chronic illness is terrible, but please just don't do it.

>>36581387
Do you believe in God? If so why do you think he made you suffer like this?

>>36582991
>before I moved back I remembered my dad had told me lefties rarely hit to third base, so I changed my mind, I didn't back up.
>the one time I didn't listen to my gut

And this is why everybody in this board needs to read The Gift of Fear. Everybody thinks that it's just animals like cats and dogs that possess a sixth sense for danger, and when they begin stirring we immediately pay attention to their 'instincts', but when we get that same feeling we say "Naaaah, I'm just being dumb". Man's capability to detect dangers is actually greater than any animals, we've just been sanitised to ignore it.
Whenever you have 'gut feeling', never ignore it. It's about as real as your heartbeat and serves a similar purpose.

>>36582555
so if nothing matters, why suffer? If OP doesn't want to suffer anymore then he should end it.

>>36581387
how you gunna do it?

Well if you think that' the best thing you can do for you, then goodbye anon. I wish that you find peace in the end!!
Sincerely
Anon

Pd: stream it

>>36583974
I don't get it, why couldn't you just close one eye to read?

If you think this is the best thing you can do for yourself, then goodbye anon. Hope that you find peace in the end.

Pd: stream it

>>36581387
Goodbye anon, I hope we see another on the other side. You are loved by all of us.