Psychological Issues #44

>>36546008
Hello, Nick. How are you feeling today?

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>>36546123

If I start on myself, we'll never finish. Let's say shit just got real.

You?

>>36546008
Afternoon Nick
Am I original now?

>>36546152
I'm alright today. Who says you need to finish?

>>36546163

Yes, you are, but who are you?

>>36546163
Whoops dropped my name. Found it

>>36546163
Your post got through, so you must be. What's up?

>>36546220
Found out Dark Souls plays on my xbox one, so free time disappeared
>>36546203
I'm me. Found my name after I dropped it.

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>>36546008
Nothing interests me to the point where im afraid soon im not gonna be interested in living

>>36546255
Never played it. Always been interested, since I've heard it's extremely difficult and I enjoy testing my gaming limits (even though I'm garbage at them to begin with)

>>36546262
You were able to maintain enough interest to force yourself to post that. Why?

>>36546315
Because im bored as hell man

I do so little every day that weeks and months blend together

>>36546262

Focus on the idea that it's an illusion, like being drunk, that life hasn't lost its interest to you, that it's only a matter of time.

I relate, and I know it's hard to convince yourself, as it doesn't undoe the illusion. Knowing one's dark thoughts and feelings are an illusion doesn't seem to take away their power. Hang in there. Talk to us.

>>36546008
i'm crying nonstop, my heart hurts, my head hurts, i don't know what to do
can somebody please just help me? i just want to be hugged, thats all i ask for

>>36546295
It requires patience, and timing, a little luck, and a lot of grind. And as long as you don't get greedy for the kill, you can handle almost anything. Unless you're just bad. My older brother couldn't beat the Tutorial boss.

>>36546334
So you're interested in escaping the feeling of boredom. We've already found something that interests you. What else is there? Really think about it. What would you do if you could do anything at all?

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>>36546351

Here it is... Just for you.

I can only give this once per thread.

>>36546351
Do you ever interact with others in real life? *hugs you virtually*

>>36546351

What happened to you?

[This comment was not original.]

>>36546362
>What would you do if you could do anything at all?
I try really hard to avoid such thoughts, they just make me feel bad.

I really can't think of anything that would fix my boredom. Games feel stale, TV shows make me feel bad, I don't like anime. Im not into art and music

>>36546378
>>36546404
thank you so much, i cant stop crying, i cant express what im feeling inside properly, but im feeling extremely happy, thank you, you are all amazing and great

Maybe dissociating isn't so bad
I can be a different person, that would be nice

>>36546448
Surely, there's something. Why avoid trains of thought that couls provide a solution? Can you go outside into the woods?

Since this thread will probably die, it'd be nice if you added me on Discord instead
Jake#4186

>>36546459
Just let the tears run their course.

>>36546486
Who are you and who is this intended for?

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>>36546459

You seem to be in some very turbulent emotions. I'm glad you feel better!

If you feel like telling us more, go ahead. And also use a name, it'll be easier for us to see which one you are, if other anons come and don't use names.

>>36546483
Because the things I want can't be obtained
I want a friend I can touch. I'm anti social but I crave some kind of physical contact.
I feel like all my thoughts contradict each other. Like if you threw water at a hot pan. In the end im left with nothing but steam which disappears.

I can go outside, not in the woods and not right now because it's pretty late(10pm), but I live on the border of my super small town and outside is pretty empty. I have taken walks but I always have to come back to this nothingness

>>36546585
Can you describe what you feel in social situations?

>>36546585
>I'm anti social

Do you use the common meaning of that or the psychiatric meaning of it? I assume the former.

Do you have any friends nearby?

>>36546585
The point is that you ARE interested in things and that can serve as a starting point for further planning. If physical contact is what you need, there are ways to acquire it. What about just imagining physical contact? Does this entertain you at all?

>>36546657
I assumed that as well.

>>36546585
>I want a friend I can touch. I'm anti social but I crave some kind of physical contact.
It is a painful contradiction. I'm supposed to crave companionship, yet I drive everyone away and for the ones I can't, I lie to and maintain a false persona.

I'm supposed to crave human warmth, yet the thought of a mere hug makes me nauseated and makes my heart beat like I have 50 open axe wounds. And not in a good way.

What the fuck happened to people like us.

>>36546585

https://www.depression-anxiety-stress-test.org/take-the-test.html

Do this test if you haven't already; it's nice to see some numbers and words on what you feel.

>>36546727
What sort of persona have you constructed?

>>36546644
I feel excluded. I can hear people talking about their lives or them planning a party im not invited to. I feel like I don't belong
The amount of physical contact I imagine is not healthy at all, I pretend someone's hugging me, I often pretend talking to someone, I sleep hugging a pillow
>>36546657
Common I suppose. I don't go out a lot because small town and literally no clubs or events. The only way to be really social is if you are already a part of some cool-kids club.
I have no friends. I have 2 internet friends both of which live very far away and I have never met them irl.

>>36546727

That's not antisocial per se.

It's very Borderline though: you want and don't want the same thing.

When you say you're "supposed" to, do you mean you feel like you should, but don't?

For my part, I don't need any "supposed" to, I crave what I crave regardless.

Hello, Dan.

>>36546404
no, i havent in a long time, and i crave affection very much, very much
>>36546427
i'm feeling extremely lonely. i just want everyone to know that i like them and i mean no harm to them. i broke down today, and i started crying like a child, i felt like i was choking. i don't know anymore. i just wanted to hug somebody.

>>36546378
That image is a tease, because it will never finish loading, therefore it will never send.

>>36546734
I don't like taking those tests

I did the mbti or something one and i ended up relating only to some of the negative parts of my type thing

But ill do it anyways

>>36546777
A calm, phlegmatic, non-aggressive guy. That's at work.

To my family I mostly try to claim that I do have friends who I party with and that I have no trouble attracting women (I don't live with them, so this lie is quite easy to maintain).

I tell them whatever they want to hear.

>>36546791

Well, now you have us. Keep coming and it will make you feel like you're part of the cool kids' club right here. We are pretty cool.

You should perhaps engage people more, like ask if you can join the party, but ask with confidence, not like you're going to be a burden, more like "Are you interested in having me at your party?" knowing you're a cool guy.

>>36546791
I'm assuming you're young. It doesn't sound like a particularly unhealthy amount to me, especially when faced with extreme boredom. Are there any impediments to wading into the shallow end of the social pond?

>>36546828

True.I hadn't thought of it that way. That said, it also means you're ALWAYS about to receive a hug.

>>36546828
They say anticipation is the best part of any hug.

Hi, since I know you said you would reply, but since I promised to remind you, have you responded to >>36525554

>>36546962

Hello Ethan! Thanks for that!

On it.

How are you?

>>36546807
Hello Nick.

>When you say you're "supposed" to, do you mean you feel like you should, but don't?
I mean that I somehow sabotage every action that could lead to genuine human interaction where I couldn't suppress my thoughts and pretend I don't have them.

I'm supposed to, yet if I were to tell someone even a fraction of what goes in my head I would get hospitalized/drugged/incarcerated instantly. Or maybe that's just paranoia talking.

I'm sorry. It's just that today my mind seems to be ripping itself up. And I'm not even drunk! And what's worse, I don't have any booze around.

>>36546809
Is there any way you could find a friend? I wish I could give you something more affectionate than words or images on a screen, but my powers are sadly limited.

>>36546962
I don't know what I was trying to say there, I'm so tired

>>36546903
But you never will. It will forever be stuck not giving you a hug. Just a pair of open arms out of your grasp looming over you forever.

>>36546867
What compels you to do this?

>>36546980
Not too bad, another average day of work. Yourself?

>>36546933
Forever wanting something barely out of my grasp, but never truely achieving it. Yeah, no thanks. It reminds me of the greek man that had to roll the boulder up the hill everyday.

>>36546962

I realise it doesn't make much sense to reply if he isn't around. I'll wait until he shows up.

>>36547040
Sisyphus suffers a sorry circumstance

>>36546875
I went to one party. People talked to their old friends. Sure, I could initiate a conversation but I have nothing to talk about, plus It feels like they don't really want to talk about me.
You'd think I'd get more confident or fun when drunk, but its the opposite. Feels like everything around me quiets down and I just look at things from 3rd person perspective.

>>36546890
>Are there any impediments to wading into the shallow end of the social pond?
Sorry, English isn't my native. Do you mean if there's anything holding me back from socializing? Yeah, kind of. Like I said before, its a really small town and guys my age have been friends since kindergarten, no one needs me
My imaginary hug machine has a name and personality?

>>36546981
>Or maybe that's just paranoia talking.

It is.

You'd be surprised at how common whatever you'd have to tell a therapist would be to them. You should try.

>>36547053
That's a good point, don't understand how I didn't realise he would need to read it

Been feeling angry, tired and paranoid the last few weeks and can't tell if it's a positive or negative break from my usually apathetic state. I'm immensly angry and think hostile thoughts towards my doctor, therapist and psychologist for no particular reason.

I forced myself to find a new job but I don't know if I'll be able to stomach it in the long run, and I'm not sure if I can stomach staying NEET either. I also forced myself to be social with "friends" for once in a long time. I fucking hated every second of it and left very early.

I know what I need and should do if I ever want something resembling a normal life, but I honestly don't know if I want it. I have no desire for relationships, family or close friendships. The only thing that gives an ounce of gratification is imagining a world that exists on my terms, movies and video games. What the hell is left to live for? It feels like my only reason for not commiting suicude is because it'd just be like sleeping without dreams.

>>36546991

You made perfect sense, don't worry.

>>36547017


See

>>36546152

>>36547063
So it was Sisyphus. It's pretty much the same situation. I would not want that for myself.

>>36547114
Oh I'm sorry, don't forget that if you want to talk about it, we can email if you want to. Hope whatever's wrong turns out well

>>36547007
Because the real me sucks balls. You never get anywhere by being you. You never get anywhere by being honest. You guess the agendas that people have and you adjust accordingly.

Actually I don't even know what's the real me. I've talked about this in one of the earlier threads, but I've been mimicking people for as long as I can remember. I don't ever remember truly being myself. I don't remember having this sense of my own self. Maybe I've had it, maybe not. My "self" always seemed to me to be a reflection/mismash of various people, stereotypes and events that took place around me.

Is it supposed to be like that?

>>36546985
no, it isnt easy. i have no friends and currently i want to hug and cuddle with somebody, and i want to be patted and stroke my head asap. it's so painful.

>>36547096

I didn't think about that either last night. Maybe I imagined I'd reply tomorrow if he showed up. Maybe that's what I meant.

>>36547098

Poignant description of your condition.

Some people live happily as hermits. Make money, then move to some Asian country of your liking, and you'll have enough money to live the rest of your life on your terms.

Or try to get therapy for your condition. Have you looked at that?

Nick this is me >>36546375

We've spoken here before. I'm now in a psych ward.

>>36547088
There are circumstances under which they would be obliged to take legal action. I fall under these, For one reason or another.

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>>36546008
Need your help with something Nick. How do I get motivated? There are things I need to do, but I just can't be assed to do them. Like pic related, haven't cleaned my table or even folded laundry, just left it in the basket after getting it out of the dryer and get what I need out of it every day

>>36547189
If you're that desperate, just buy a professional cuddler.

>>36547179
I identify very strongly with most of this. I don't think it's useful to chase after a truer "you." Just a better one.

>>36547214
I have a doctor I consult with about medication and treatment, a therapist and most recently a psychologist who's evaluating my abilities.

I am currently having problems with all three of them, but I don't know if it's all in my head or if my suspicions are justified.

>>36547255
That's so fucking humiliating. Paying for what comes as natural as breathing to non-damaged people.

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>>36547255
I have always said i'd pay for a hug
We don't have them here though

>>36547179

No.

Kurt Cobain, who I am sure had BPD, said that he made his own personality from fragments of other people's personalities.

Many of his songs have the purest form of Borderline stuff I've ever heard (the other being Trent Reznor).

You have to focus on what you want without other consideration. Anything at all should do. Any activity that you like. Think about why you like it, make it yours.

Remember that you're not supposed to adapt to others so they like you; you're supposed to be yourself (beeee yourself) so that others, when they like you, they actually like YOU, and not some bullshit you made up.

>>36547269
>Just a better one.
What for? Better? In what way?

I'm just not convinced it's supposed to be like this. That there is no me.

>>36547215

Damn... I remember naming you Spaghetti, but I can't connect with the rest for now. Refresh my memory!

>>36547223

Put music on, or a podcast, or anything you actually want to listen to, and tidy up as a something to do while you listen. It being secondary can help actually doing it, because you'll really be doing something else. Like ironing while you're listen to Art Bell.

>>36547284
I suppose you could see it that way, but I'd rather have that than be on the verge of killing myself. So, I saw that you sabotage every chance you have of human interaction. That seems pretty problematic if you crave it sometimes. From what I read, you don't. Why do you think that is?

>>36547214
Here's a serious, escalating issue that none of the three deemed concerning and dismissed as if it were air: I can't tell the real me anymore. I instinctively laugh, smile and follow every social norm to the fucking letter to appease people and try to fit in but I abhor it immensly and never feel that I'm genuine. I think I hate myself, but I also believe that I am the only person that I genuinely care about. The only thing I know right now is that I'm really angry, frustrated and the only thing I can do is vent to a wall of faceless, anonymous people on the internet.

>>36547269
>I don't think it's useful to chase after a truer "you."

It is, actually. Much of therapy is about finding your true self, as opposed to the one you make up to go by.

You can't know a better you before you know a true you.

>>36547294
That's too bad. I'd pay for one if I was in the mood.

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i did the test

>>36547346
Well, one that causes less suffering (I don't expect you to sign onto my philosophy, so substitute whatever you think matters, if there's anything. Is there?).
"Supposed to be" by whom? Does it matter? I don't know the full discrepancy between your various modes of behavior, but some amount is certainly normal. You may just be more aware of it than others.

>>36547274

What are the problems?

>>36547284

Undamaged people don't necessarily find it that natural either.

>>36547294

An easy way is to hire a prostitute for hugs. I'd find that morally OK, and she probably won't mind at all. It'd be kind of cute, I imagine.

>>36547417
What should I except to find among these "true" aspects of myself? I'm not convinced.

>>36547393
Any good suggestions? Some album or something with a decent working tempo? I haven't listened to music in years. I'm a fan of quiet, probably because mom, older brother, and sister always blasted music so I've come to hate almost everything loud. Hell I never even have my tv above 11.

>>36547411
>the only thing I can do is vent to a wall of faceless, anonymous people on the internet.

Which makes me think you may not be as asocial as you think. If you get something out of human interaction, think twice before isolating yourself. The problem may be about human interaction, but not necessarily that you don't need them, just that they're a pain for now.

>>36547431

Yep, you have depression, clearly. Do you want more tests?

>>36547467
*Expect
I don't know if I understand the value of discovering, say, one aspect of your preferences was due to peer pressure or whatever rather than, what?

>>36547453
I feel that my doctor is avoiding me yet accuses me of avoiding him. The nurses are fucking rude and unhelpful, too.

I've only spoken to the psychologist once, and I feel that she's less concerned with my problems and more concerned about proving that I am healthy enough to work.

I'm not sure why I'm starting to dislike my therapist. I see her once a week, and I've been thinking over how she speaks to me lately a lot. It feels as if something has changed.

>>36547467

Who you are. That is more frightening than it sounds.

>>36547492

Try this:

https://youtu.be/Z6ih1aKeETk

>>36547453
Finding one would be too troublesome. My town is one 2km long street. I don't think there are any here in general.
>>36547518
Sure, might as well keep myself a little busy

>>36547297
>you're supposed to be yourself (beeee yourself) so that others, when they like you, they actually like YOU, and not some bullshit you made up.
When I'm myself, there is nothing. Sounds dramatic, I know. Whatever I have done, whatever stance I've ever had, whatever opinion I've voiced, I saw someone else do it before me. If I take that all away, nothing is left.

>>36547399
>From what I read, you don't. Why do you think that is?
I do what others do, but when it comes to non-shallow relationships, people can tell what you are, or what you are not. I can make everyone like me on a shallow level, but if they get to close, eventually they see that there is nothing to see. Even I don't feel comfortable in that position.

To function, you have to interact. Honestly I think that when I actually crave human interaction, it's nothing more than getting too much into my "play". It's like you had a self-learning robot who spent all of his life learning basic human behaviors and learned them to mimic so well, he starts believing himself to actually be a human being. Which is fine and dandy until he realizes he really isn't. I think I need to just take a step back.

>>36547540
>I've been thinking over how she speaks to me lately a lot. It feels as if something has changed.

Mention it to her.

>>36547553

http://www.celebritytypes.com/dark-triad/test.php
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20151123-how-dark-is-your-personality
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/do-i-have-ocd
https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/borderline.htm
http://www.pdchat.co.uk/psychtests/stpd/stypal.php
https://pcsearle.com/screening/screen_des.html
http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20151123-how-dark-is-your-personality
http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/seven_deadly_sins.html

>>36547551
Perhaps I'm too dull to appreciate the horror...

>>36547582
oh boy

that's a lot of tests

Hello Nick,
wanted to tell you something earlier, but I forgot what it was.

>>36547495
I don't hate all forms of human interactions per say, but it's not an option to think I can have it on my own terms in real life like I can on the internet.

I've never felt lonely, so isolation and autonomy is the best possible situation I can imagine.

>>36547557
Huh, that sucks. I feel pretty good when I'm with my girlfriend. I tell her that I love her a lot, but I don't feel loved by her. It hurts me to be showing affection for her, but she doesn't reciprocate. I don't want to leave her, because she's so helpless by herself. She deserves everything, and I don't want to hurt her badly. I love her.

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Guys, I have some difficulty focusing tonight. I may limit myself to posting Silence of the Lambs images and making short comments. Or more, if I can, just letting you know I won't be much good tonight, and it won't be for long.

>>36547688
It's Eh.

>>36547582
She'll deny it and I'll be none wiser as to why there's been a change, and our meetings will continue with her knowing that I've noticed something is wrong. I'd change therapist if the waiting queue wasn't so long.

>>36547695
It's okay Nick. We appreciate that you try to help us, no matter how much you are capable of. It's the thought that counts. Feel better soon.

>>36547695
It's no problem, Nick. Take it easy. I'll continue posting as long as I can tonight. I'm just in the mood for some reason.

>>36547551
Appreciate the effort, but it almost put me to sleep. Gonna try some old TSFH instead, maybe that'll work.

>>36546008
I have fits of blind rage where I scream loudly at my pets, and punch the wall.
I then immediately spend 30 minutes crying and apologizing.
Is this a Bipolar disorder?

>>36547616

Or perhaps you're very aware of what you'd rather not find.

>>36547636

Pick whichever you feel like doing. I loved doing tests when I was in a bad place, being asked questions feels like someone cares.

>>36547657

Piqued my curiosity there, please find out.

>>36547663
>I've never felt lonely,

I can't even... How do you not? I feel such loneliness right now that it's become physical pain.

>>36547688
>but I don't feel loved by her.

How come?

>>36547728
>She'll deny it and I'll be none wiser as to why there's been a change,

Are you sure? Try anyway.

Surely you can be on a queue for a new one without quitting you have now.

>>36547846
I think you're overestimating me, sir.

>>36547846
Did the ones that seemed somewhat relatable

I usually don't like these tests because it takes me a long time to answer because many questions imply I actually have a choice in my life like having a relationship or socializing a lot

>>36547845
How often does this happen and is it accompanied by any other odd behavior?

Evening, all. Had a nice nap today. Full of American food, you see.

>>36547741
>Feel better soon.

To be frank, I expect things to get much worse after today. I'll keep you updated.

>>36547753

I see that, and I'm glad. I like that whenever I open the thread, plenty of regular people come along. This thread is becoming like a comfy club. I'm pleased with that.

>>36547787
https://youtu.be/w6x2pz6aRLU

Bit darker sometimes, but with nice stuff if you're into 80's sounds, which I am.

>>36547880
I don't know. I just feel like she's not passionate, and she just says it, because she feels like she has to.

>>36547845

Sounds more like Borderline.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

>>36547918
Every 3-4 days.
Usually followed by a ridiculously fast heart rate and shaking hands.

>>36547940
This gluttonous post was mine

I often listen to piano when Im feeling bad. Helps me think

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42Inkud0Obc

>>36547888
>I actually have a choice in my life like having a relationship or socializing a lot

Trips of truth, you do have a choice, but that choice may be hard to make.

>>36547947
I will still hope for the best regardless.

>>36547949
>and she just says it, because she feels like she has to.

That's ice cold. If someone told me that, I'd ask them never to say it again. What's her deal exactly? She most likely has issues of her own.

>>36547846
>I can't even... How do you not? I feel such loneliness right now that it's become physical pain.
I don't know. I used to have a lot of friends, plenty of contact with my family and attend many parties but as I grew older I realised how much I hated it. I've cut off most of those people now and only have a handful left that I am on the verge of cutting off as well.

>>36547880
>Are you sure? Try anyway.
The last thing I would do to someone with any form of authority over me that I suspect might not wish me well is confront them directly about it.
>Surely you can be on a queue for a new one without quitting you have now.
Very good point. I'm gonna look into that. Thanks.

>>36547968
How often are you sad in between these fits of rage?

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>>36547977

Dubs.

Hello.

>>36547947
I'm less than pleased but I suppose I should want the maximum number of people to receive help if I'm going to be true to my ideals. There's often a stark contrast between my moral pronouncements and what actions I'm actually impelled to take.

>>36547968
It sounds like it could be Intermittent Explosive Disorder

>>36548025
>The last thing I would do to someone with any form of authority over me that I suspect might not wish me well is confront them directly about it.

Why do you think she may not wish you well?

>>36547846
I'm trying to remember,
meanwhile,
yesterday at my classmate's it went good, had lunch played some games and did uni stuff,
then I went with my brother and some of his friends in an escape room, it was fun.
and this morning I finished the drawing that I started some days ago, and I showed it to the friend I was making it for,
and he was really happy and it made me happy.

>>36546008
Everybody always ignored me as a younganon. They actually said that I was 'weird' and my (((friends))) said I was weird at first too.

So I went to get diagnosed, and the doctor said I wasn't autistic, just had ADD. Which is bullshit, since I get overstimulated all the time.

Because my Mom didn't like how kids kept starting fights with me, and how I was always bullied, she kept switching my schools like a maniac.

Then, in high school, I was bullied so much that I just dropped out.

My (((Friends))) even pretended I didn't exist when we were in public.

That's why I have social anxiety, but I still want to get better.

I also never had a father, because he was a drunk, and my mom poked a hole in his condom. So, I had to teach myself masculinity, and take care of my mom whenever she had mental breakdowns.

>inb4 literal bastard baby

Not really sure if anyone could help me, but I am still trying my hardest to go to college, and maybe be a lawyer. If I do, I will definitely tell you faggots to gloat and shit.

>>36548029
Not much more then I usually am.

>>36548038
She does have the bluest eyes, doesn't she? I wonder if they're contacts.

>>36548040
>true to my ideals
What are your ideals, meta? And what do you (or anyone else) think of the idea that ethical behaviour is, at heart, a question of repressing your natural impulses for the benefit of others?

>>36548016
I don't think that there's anything wrong with her, because she's very sincere. I just feel like she doesn't care to say it sometimes. Then she acts like I'm overreacting. I know this shit. I know what comes after. She talks to another guy, then she cheats on me. After all of this, I'm in jail for 2 counts of premeditated murder.

>>36547968
Does anything in particular precipitate this? Is it premeditated or completely spontaneous?

My life is ruined because I'm stupid. Everything would be fine if I was smart or even average but I'm not. I failed all my college classes and once my mom finds out she'll probably break all my stuff and throw me out. I have nowhere to go and I have no money or car.

>>36548095
It's probably not bipolar disorder, or your brain would be mush by now. Nick's probably right. It sounds more like borderline personality disorder.

>>36548140
Completely spontaneous.

>>36548071
This might sound ridiculous to you, but I sometimes toy with the idea that I have some form of trait that I've yet to discover myself that renders people unable to view me as another human being.

She was professional at first and followed "protocol", but I feel that the more we meet the more different her approach to me becomes. Her facial expressions, body language and tone of voice are more guarded and almost accusatory at times.

Imagine you're talking to a person who's complimenting you about something, but their demeanor tells the opposite.

>>36548088

That's tough.

Very tough.

I'm a literal bastard too, don't worry, it just sounds badass nowadays.

Your mother sounds like a case. I won't risk much by wagering that she has issues.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

Try this.

>>36548097
I adhere to the principle that suffering ought to be reduced and ultimately eradicated, even at the expense of pleasure. I am a negative utilitarian.
I suppose that works for describing one type of ethical behavior (the most difficult type). I wouldn't say it applies to all ethical human action. Some people don't need to repress very much at all. They desire what is "right" so it's completely in line with their impulses. I'm guessing. I've never, to my knowledge, met such a saintly character, but I would imagine they exist.

>>36548097
>the idea that ethical behaviour is, at heart, a question of repressing your natural impulses for the benefit of others?

Sounds like a thought from a dark person. To some degree, that is correct, resisting the urge to hump any female shape that comes into sight is "ethical behaviour", but it does away with the idea that many of your natural impulses will benefit others too.

So that's not a very good definition in my opinion. It works sometimes and it doesn't work in other cases, proving that ethical behaviour isn't defined by that.

>benefitting others is ethical behaviour

That's a better definition, though much simpler and more mundane.

>>36548107
>She talks to another guy, then she cheats on me. After all of this, I'm in jail for 2 counts of premeditated murder.

Jesus Christ. She has serious issues, possibly worse than yours, but you need to leave.

>>36548161
It sounds like IED. People often report feelings of intense regret after an outburst. Have you caused property damage? Ever lash out at humans?

>>36548143
>she'll probably break all my stuff and throw me out.

Would she really?

>>36548171
>Her facial expressions, body language and tone of voice are more guarded and almost accusatory at times.

Any example of things you said that she reacted to?

>>36548249
>They desire what is "right" so it's completely in line with their impulses. I'm guessing. I've never, to my knowledge, met such a saintly character, but I would imagine they exist.

I desire what is right. To the question, "What would you do if you could get away with anything?" I'd say exactly what I'm doing now. I don't want to get away with anything.

Consideration for others seems to be what ethics is about.

>>36548271
No, that didn't happen. That's just one of the most extreme versions of what could happen. I really doubt it though, because she's afraid of me. I will kill her, and her lover if she cheats on me. Nothing and I fucking mean nothing will stop me, but like I said it hasn't happened.

Anyone got links to the schizoid disorder tests?

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>someone has actual physical problems
>feel like my problems shouldn't matter

I like you guys, feels nice to talk to someone for once. Why do I do this to myself though, pushing away people on the god damn internet

>>36548290
No. It only seems to be animals.

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>>36548427
>No, that didn't happen. That's just one of the most extreme versions of what could happen.

I expect anything in these threads.

>>36548305
The last time she got very mad at me was when I came back from doing something at the college. I don't remember what I had to do but when I came back she asked me what I did and apparently I didn't do it right. She started screaming very loudly and harshly and she slammed my laptop shut and started slamming her fists on it so I ran down the stairs and left in my sisters car. I drove around aimlessly for a few hours so I could be away from her. I ended up cing back later because my mom said I had to print something. I went to print it and the printer was out of ink so she started screaming and swearing again.
She's going to be much more angry this time because I failed all my classes this semester when she said I had to get all A's even though I've never gotten A's. When she asks me how I do in school I always lie to her so she doesn't get mad but she's going to find out eventually which is why I'm scared.

>>36548249
Alright then, that's interesting. I consider myself a more traditional utilitarian, in that the sum total of pleasure ought to move ever upward. Suffering is considered, and should be reduced, but that is secondary to me. Adding to the positive rather than eliminating the negative.

>>36548255
>benefitting others is ethical behaviour
I'm not sure that benefitting others is always the right choice. Sometimes, others will have to be negatively impacted for one reason or another, and it's right to do so.

>>36548387
What about decisions that only affect yourself? Couldn't it be argued that even if you were completely isolated there would be some kind of good involved in avoiding alcohol, keeping fit etc? Or don't you believe that the body is a temple and ethics is always relative to others?

>>36548427
>I will kill her, and her lover if she cheats on me. Nothing and I fucking mean nothing will stop me, but like I said it hasn't happened.

If you told her that, that's pretty scary.

>>36548428

http://www.pdchat.co.uk/psychtests/

Go there and choose the one you want. These are very demanding. If you get "likely," you're guaranteed having a disorder.

>>36548482

I'd sooner take physical problems over mental ones.

>>36548305
>Any example of things you said that she reacted to?
A recent one is when I explained to her why I quit my job and how I was feeling in the aftermath. It's difficult to explain since it was all in the body language, but her response seemed incredibly off and disconnected. There's been more occassions, but this happened not long ago so I can recall it concretely.

>>36548496

The hell... She clearly has an issue. What do you make of it?

>>36548491
Oh wow. This makes me like Facet even more.

>>36548559
Better to be dead than bored.

>>36548522
That's why I know I'm emotionally abusive, because I say it passively. It's something that sneaks into her mind. I can get her to do whatever I want.

>>36548554
What do I make of it? I'm not sure what you mean but I'm very scared. Eventually she's going to find out and when that happens I'll run away or kill myself but I have nowhere to runaway too so I think I'll kill myself. I have other reasons to kill myself too.

>>36548522
>Go there and choose the one you want
Link doesn't work, gives me a permission error. Found the one I wanted with google though, 80% on schizoid.

>>36548591
Don't say things like that

I don't want to start believing that

>>36548591
I agree. I'd much rather die than live a life of agonizing boredom.

>>36548508
>Sometimes, others will have to be negatively impacted for one reason or another, and it's right to do so.

That reason or another is usually benefitting others. If I'm not mistaken.

>Couldn't it be argued that even if you were completely isolated there would be some kind of good involved in avoiding alcohol, keeping fit etc?

In my opinion, not really. Ethics for one doesn't make sense in my mind.

>Or don't you believe that the body is a temple and ethics is always relative to others?

Ethics is always related to others, you don't need your own permission to do things to yourself.

>>36548485
Do you dislike animals? You should see a mental health professional, if you aren't already, and explain your situation to them if that's possible for you.

>>36548625
Why not? It's pretty true. That's the only reason why I sometimes think of killing myself, or to see if I can drown myself.

>>36548602

Youth shelter?

>>36548609

http://www.pdchat.co.uk/psychtests/spd/schizoid.php

My bad.

>>36548508
I don't think there's hope for convergence on matters of morality, I'm afraid.

>>36548663
Because im bored all the time

Drowning though? That doesn't sound fun. I have thought about freezing to death or unironically stabbing myself

>>36548685
I'd rather kill myself than go to those places, plus I'm 19 and idk if that's young enough anyway

>>36548625
Don't pay it any attention. Your boredom is transient.

>>36548685
I took this test as well since SPD was the condition I first suspected myself of having. Wouldn't call it particulary demanding or heavy with so few questions considering I scored 90%.

>>36548703
Me too, but it's just a part of life. Drowning, because it's like a challenge.

>>36548742
You should tell that to my boredom

he's a neet living inside me

>>36548729

Physically stop your mother next time she tries to break something. It should calm her down.

>>36548756

Damn... I did all these tests and I got nothing according to them.

90%, damn...

Could anyone with a schizoid personality disorder talk about it? I'm not so sure if I have it but I have an appointment with my therapist the day after tomorrow and want to bring it up.

>>36548625
>>36548630
I used to always try to live by the tenet 'Stagnation is death'. My life was in danger of stagnating, but thankfully I've had the chance to shake things up again so that's alright.

>>36548642
>Ethics is always related to others, you don't need your own permission to do things to yourself.
Well then fuck you, me, you square I'm getting drunk if the chance comes up.

>>36548689
It's the sort of thing people spend their entire lives mulling over. It would be convenient if we could get to the bottom of it once and for all ITT, but that's probably not going to happen. Still, it can be fun to bounce hypotheticals around in order to examine our own feelings.

Speaking of which, if anyone has any thought experiments they want to float please go ahead. We mentioned the Ring of Gyges yesterday (i.e. if you had a ring of invisibility, what would you do? What you would continue to resist doing shows what you do out of principle rather than self-preservation) and there are others. Trolley problem and so on.

>>36548798
No. Not at all. When she gets mad I either freeze up or run away. No way in hell I'm doing that.

>>36548766
Can you describe your boredom, in physical terms if there is indeed a bodily component? What are you feeling as you read and respond to posts ITT? Pay careful attention and report back.

In other news, my state has radically worsened today, though I'm more stable now.

>sleepless night, nightmares
>sleep 2 hours tops
>morning anxiety, dry-heaving for 15 minutes
>not sure I can even go to work
>convulsions are so violent, my muscles hurt, my back hurts (hurts even now), organs hurt
>struggle with nausea while teaching, have to stop speaking to swallow my saliva and not puke
>onset of fainting
>left leg suddenly starts trembling
>fear I might faint right there and then
>other times, have to run away from people to go dry-heave in the toilets, more convulsions
>major derealisation and depression, everything feels different, fake, like a bad movie

In a nutshell.

So it started with me asking 'Why do humans use the word why'. Ever since I ask that question my mind has going into a downward spiral. I couldn't find the answer on google and then I started to feel like my surroundings weren't real and that people weren't real. Dissociation. Then the next day my mind collapsed and I felt like I couldn't understand what the television was. I went to the hospital and they tell me it's psychosis. Now it feels like it's the first time I've ever heard words and that they lost meaning. seemingly, I have no trouble speaking but it feels like the words make no sense to me and that I don't know how I form sentences. I'm thinking this is a mild form of alogia. I feel like it's the first time I'm using technology and that I don't understand how it works. I think something is wrong with my semantic memory. any psychologists here with tips or medications I should use. Risperdal doesn't seem to be working.

>>36548810
>Well then fuck you, me, you square I'm getting drunk if the chance comes up.

Why would you want to?

>>36548810
I can try to think some up that could serve to make you question your position, but it will take me a minute. If you had the choice between sending another person to an eternal paradise by condemning another to eternal torture, would you do it? Would you climb to the heaven by stepping on the backs of the damned yourself?

>>36548873
Oh my god, is this all a mental thing or are you physically ill? In either case I hope you're better soon. You're a strong man for going to work in that state

>>36548873
This is ridiculous, Nick. You're not fit for work. You need to go to your doctor and have them sign you off until you're in a manageable mental state. It will be adversely affecting your performance and may have a negative impact on your students too. Don't worry, I'll cover your classes.

>>36548826
>freeze up or run away.

Freeze, flight, or... Fight. The three reactions your body evolved to go with.

Any other way to leave your mother's home?

>>36548873
I can help with the sleeplessness Nick. I haven't been able to sleep awhile. What I do: put something soothing on, and cut out all sources of non-red light. I got blackout curtains and even put a towel or something under my door to keep all light out. Also get you a pillow you can hold like a gf

>>36548850
I just sit slouched in my chair with my legs folded in an unnatural way on the table
I can't say I feel anything reading the posts, they feel like just words. I found out that I have an easy time forgetting things which comes at a price on not remembering much
The only thing I do feel is hot temperature in my room which I don't enjoy and the noise of my computer fan

>>36548873

And I twitch in the morning, too. I fucking TWITCH. >inb4 punny pun pun

>>36548930
Me ofc.

>>36548916
To escape the crushing pressure of reality of course. That, and to catch up on Chinese cartoons.

>>36548917
The first is zero sum. I see no reason not to, but it would be ultimately meaningless. The second offers no alternative. Assuming I had no means by which to help them, there'd be no reason not to.

>>36548932
She still hasn't found out. No. I could leave, but there is nowhere I'd be able to stay.

I just saw I kid almost get jumped. As soon as I saw the people, I new that they were going to jump someone. I felt quite calm and wanted to take to the aggressors, but they sped off in their car.

>>36548917
If you knew for certain that your consciousness would flit from body to body at random for all eternity (with no prior memories, of course), and there were certain bodies that could only feel enormous suffering and another set of dependent creatures that only feel overwhelmingly intense pleasure, would you destroy them both to prevent being stuck in one of the painful minds?

>>36548877
>'Why do humans use the word why'.

For the same reason you just did: because you want to know something.

The rest of your post is very interesting. I wonder what kind of weird mental processes I'm experiencing; it clearly has major derealisation about it, but I wonder if I don't share some of your experience as well. A sudden sense of unfamiliarity, for instance.

>>36548988
Would you do it even if you're assured that you will never suffer again (including from boredom) if you reject paradise?

>>36549053
If you never suffer again, is that not paradise?

>>36548922

It's all very cleary psychological, but now it has very physical ramifications. I'll bring this up to my therapist. I'm glad when I can bring some decent entertainment to her.

>>36548930

Nobody notices shit, not even my students. I get the job done regardless. I don't want my employer to have anything against me. Besides, teaching does help my mental state most of the time, I get to be a rock star teacher like I used to, when I was happy and felt safe and stable.

>Facet teaching

That'd be fun.

>>36549064
Probably not from Facet's perspective

>>36548974

Nothing I could do: fully wide awake after horrendous nightmares. I even posted in last night's thread, without my trip, after I woke up.

I already sleep holding my blanket kinda like that, though more for position purposes than anything else.

>>36549087
Sorry for being nosy, but I'm curious. What do you teach?

>>36549106

I kekked. Ke be praised originally.

>>36549170

English. Got my master's in English, French, and some social sciences.

>>36549087
Just reminding you that you have said parents, colleagues and students have noticed in the past and you're suffering more than usual at the moment.

>That'd be fun.
I've studied English a fair amount, I'm sure it would be fine.

>>36549106
Are we just talking about an end to suffering, but no pleasure? Can others suffer? It sounds like you're talking about a scenario free from fear of consequence.

>>36549196
Oh, interesting. I never really liked English as a subject but I was decent At it

>>36548798
I did the rest because I have absolutley nothing better to do:

>Personality Test
20% Extraversion
34% Agreeableness
70% Consciousness
64% Emotional Instability
64% Openness
>Antisocial
48.3%
>Avoidant
56.7%
>Borderline
35%
>Dependent
33.3%
>Histrionic
23.3%
>Narcisissm
51.7%
>OCD
61.7%
>Paranoid
81.7%
>Schizoid
90%
>Schizotypal
63.3%

>>36549234
>I've studied English a fair amount, I'm sure it would be fine.

Many of my students are kids, the fun part would be in disciplining a large group of these lil' people.

>>36549018
That's the perfect word to describe it. Unfamiliarity. My dad might've had Schizophrenia so the docs are treating me like I have shiz and I'm treating it as schiz, but it could very well be depersonalization/derealization.
I've taken that into account and i'm seeing a psychiatrist next week. I've read that the drug nalaxone significantly helps with depersonalizaiton/derealization. There's only one way to find out

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Goodnight guys

Only midnight and I don't feel the least bit tired, but my ass hurts

>>36549275

English as a second language, they learn to speak it, write it, understand it by ear and eye.

>>36549280

Very interesting. Save that stuff.

>>36549307

I'm starting to consider my condition may be even worse than what I thought.

Sometimes I wake up and feel like my consciousness has tunnel vision. It may be mere tiredness, but not sure.

>>36549314

Good night, Alex!

>>36549112
Trust me Nick. I used to suffer from horrendus nightmares that would keep me awake for days at a time. I was awake once for 56ish hours. The soothing music REALLY helps. Setting to a playlist that plays for quite awhike after you fall asleep seems to help me the most.

>>36549314
>I don't feel the least bit tired, but my ass hurts
Haha, gay. Sleep well homo

>>36549299
Honestly, that sounds difficult. I'd imagine that you're very limited in what you can do, so it's mostly about toothless displays. Like a moth.

>>36549234
Can you only act out of self-interest? You dismissed the first hypothetical as meaningless, to my bewilderment. The answer is clear to me. No one should be allowed paradise at the cost of another's torment, ever. Answer the one that more directly involves you, about the "reincarnation. "

>>36549401
I'll explain my answer a little more then. If there's 'me' and 'everyone else' then it would be moral to try and help the latter group. However, one up one down is zero sum. As such, it's neutral. Whether I do it or not, the result is effectively the same.

>reincarnation
Is that a life free from suffering? If so, I asked for clarification here:
>>36549234
>Can others suffer? It sounds like you're talking about a scenario free from fear of consequence.

>>36549358
Yeah I realise now that they'd be learning it as a language and not writing stories and persuasive texts. They do that in their primary language though right?

>>36549502
No, every other normal mind is as it is now, with regular levels of suffering. The two exotic "super sufferer" and "super enjoyer" types are dependent on each other's existence. I don't see it as zero sum at all, obviously. You've caused an infinite amount of suffering. The other side of the equation is not even factored in for me.

>>36546008
So, my girlfriend is named Harriet. Back during the winter, it got cold, she was wearing a little woolen hat inside, and jokingly referred to herself as "Hatriet", often pretending to be a completely different person. Ok, it's a cute enough conceit, and I humored her on it.

Today, she just ordered me out of the house because I "Cheated on her" with "that Hatriet woman".Like, I want to think this is some elaborate joke, but she's tossed out some of my stuff onto the curb. Is there like, some service I can refer to to get her committed? I honestly think she snapped.

>>36549361

I think I could have slept, had I wanted to. I stressed about the idea of falling asleep and then waking up and it was time to go. My workplace is intensely stressful to me, for reasons other than just the job. I browsed the chonz until I lost consciousness, then again, then back, then again.

To avoid dawn.

>>36549371

It's natural to me, wasn't originally, but you learn, by studying people and their reaction. Not every teacher can do that, obviously.

>>36549504

Yes. They do it in English too but after age 15 or so.

>>36549618
That sounds like a significant talent.

>>36549584
I suppose that makes sense, as a negative utilitarian.

>>36549614

Oh God...

>not sure is srs

>>36549614
Does she have a history of mental illness

>>36549666
Unfortunately, I am being quite serious. I'm typing this on my phone, in my car, on the curb, waiting to see what more of my stuff she'll dump out of the apartment.

>>36549685
Not that I know of, but I haven't pried into the subject. Similar for her family.

>>36549710

Stop her, ask what the hell is going on, and see what she says.

>>36549660
That's the problem with morality. It's a game of persuasion. I don't think an objective truth of the matter is stitched into the fabric of the cosmos.

>>36549666
>Oh God...
>666
That's hilarious

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>>36549618
Nick. Believe me, I understand not wanting to go to work. But staying up to feel like you're away from work longer is not helping you man. It will leave you more exhausted and stressed when you get there. Lack of [good] sleep will make you miserable, which will make work seem all the worse to you. Me telling someone to sleep is kinda hypocritical, but trust me man you need it. Also table for progress.

>>36549785
Asking what the hell is going on has gotten me shouted at incoherently and her hefting, but not actually throwing a plate. She won't respond to my texts, and quite frankly, I'm afraid to go back up there, we do keep a gun and she does know where it is.

>>36549815

That was fate.

>>36549710
>>36549614
I want you to know that I feel for you, but I'm also laughing my head off here.

To be serious though, yes she needs therapy. You also need to try and talk about the situation from her perspective. You could demand to speak to 'Hatriet' as well, and have a three way conversation. In essence you were tricked by her and that in mind, Harriet has no right to throw you out. You could also threaten her because you were effectively raped, if she wants to play that hand. So it's talk about it rationally, get her to acknowledge wrongdoing, or you go to the police and in turn, a mental health professional.

>College student, borderline addicted to pot and trying to get a little more balance in my use of it.
I have had awful anxiety this week and almost killed myself last week. Generally depressed, passively suicidal.
My psychiatrist perscribed me Remeron but it makes me feel like a fucking apathetic robot and it makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning because of the intense drowsiness. I'd rather be functionally suicidal than robotically mentally stable.
I have so much to do, not much time to do it.

>>36549830

Oh I know. I used to miss sleep because of intense conversations with my Loved One in the night.

I normally don't have a problem with sleep. I'll be fine tonight. I think.

where my /anxiety/ niggas at
>tfw uni cuck
>get really nervous if I hear people outside in the halls
>if I have to go to the bathroom I'll put my ear to the door and listen for people in the halls
>wait for 3 or 4 minutes until I deem it clear to venture outside my room
>if I encounter anyone in the hall I walk past, go down the stairs, backtrack and go back to my room

fucking sucks, I hate being nervous all the time. I have this unreasonable fear that anyone that comes within 5 feet of me will attack me

>>36549841

Text that you're about to call a special ambulance for her unless she comes out and talks.

>>36549920
Do you have a psychiatrist

>>36549920

C-PTSD.

Call me Ishmael? I read that novel three times and wrote my thesis on it. Good stuff.

>done parties
>done drugs
>done sex
>shot guns
>drove fast cars
>got jobs
>got fired from jobs
>got sick
>got better
>buried my parents

So, what else is there to do in this life to experience?

I think I did everything.
I think its time to let go of this gay earth.
I will soon an hero unless one of you can convince me otherwise.

>>36549981
Do you have a passion, hobbies, things you like to do everyday

>>36549981

Long term relationship, marriage, children.

>>36549911
I remember when I had those nights. Fuck. Now I'm sad. But I hope you find what helps you sleep at night man, you deserve it.

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>>36549788
One thing I'm chewing over is that the position I mentioned reading about seems to come from a 'human reason vs animal impulse', and the latter being the responsibility of those capable of thought. However, there's also the idea that being true to yourself is moral, or the argument from nature (though that's often described as a fallacy).

Pulled in two directions, I can't really say that one is correct. Resisting my impulses feels like a false way to behave. It would essentially rob me of a part of me; my desires must in a sense speak for my truest self. Thus, only through denying an aspect of my nature can I be moral.

It's probably this kind of conundrum that leads to the radical splitting I experience.

>>36550053
>find what helps you sleep

Not having slept the night before will do the trick.

Glad you're here, hero.

>and a real hero

That song is on right now, nice coincidence.

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Bed time for me. Love you all.

>>36550018
All I do everyday is got to work, eat, pass the time by watching TV shows and then sleep.

That's about it.

>>36550039

What if I am not passionate about those things?

even if I got children I can't imaging my self being a good father to children I don't want.

Having to pretend to love a wife I didn't want to marry.

I don't want anyone else to suffer on my account.

Plus i do not interest in sex and relationships, all you do in those is give, give, and get nothing in return.
Been through it, suffered and decided: never ever again.

I probably sound picky, sorry if so.

>>36550169
Sleep well then. I want you to think about your health. You're no use to anyone if you grind yourself into dust.

>>36550169
Goodnight Nick, probably see you in tomorrow's thread. Sleep well.

>>36550102
If you are capable of resisting, that's equally part of your nature.

>>36550178
>Plus i do not interest in sex and relationships, all you do in those is give, give, and get nothing in return
Goddamn this sounds like me near the end of my last relationship. Don't want to go into details because I'm still embarrased, but I swore I'd never get used like that again.

>>36550250
But then I have to ask myself why?
>People always ask why. They never ask: why not?
And yes, PS2 games are an excellent basis for morality.
Ikuze, Maihime![/apoiler]

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>>36550396
Forgot pic that the joke hinges on

Open question for everyone still here:
What do you feel is holding you back the most prominently in your lives?

>>36550560
My utter inability to exert myself in any but the most trivial ways.

>>36546008
Hi there. (For the record: in previous threads I was that guy who ran away from a shit family with a pedo grandma. I'm glad to see these thread are a regular thing.)

Lately I realized that even though I physically ran away, I haven't mentally escaped all of that shit yet. I have nightmares every night, I wake up sweating and hurt, my body tenses up too damn much even though I know how to manage proper relaxation during the day. Every night I have nightmares about the old family house and what happened there, even though I haven't been there in years. And I wake up expecting to actually be there. It takes me a while to realize I'm in my own apartment. It even takes me a while to find my way around where I live.

When I ran away, I thought I'd be safe cause I had escaped. In a way it's true, I guess, physically at least. Psychologically though, it doesn't seem like I'm quite there yet.

>>36550396
Why must you ask that? Clearly, a part of you wants to be more moral. That's just as much you as anything else, even if it just developed recently. When did you first start contemplating morality?

>>36550560
Without a doubt, it's fear. If I wasn't impeded by fear I believe that I could do much more. Something grand.

>>36550637
Probably long ago, but I've never found an answer that I'm truly content with. I've never got much beyond 'What Would Captain America Do?'

>>36550638
What the hell are you afraid of, Facet? I slightly shudder to think of what you might consider grand...

>>36550602
I feel you. I have a hard time the opposite way. I can get work and school done, but can't do basic things like clean a desk.
>>36550638
And what kind of fear is this? Fear of something, or..?

>>36550674
Is it more to do with the image you (or Capt. America) would be projecting? The strength of an implacable will? Or a serious concern about others affective states? Could you distinguish between the two?

>>36550560
I will confidently say it's, well I'm not sure,
Depression, I guess, I can't get myself motivated to do anything lately,

can't exit the routine, I got so used to it, plus there's nothing better to do at the moment.

Its gotten even worse since my last failed attempted jumping off a building.
I rarely go outside if not for work, I can't bare the stares and judgement of others.
If there's one thing I hate is people talking about me for whatever reason no matter how good it may be.

>>36550638
Fear, versus something much more, something grand? Are you afraid of disappointing yourself?

>>36550675
>>36550699
Fear of consequence I suppose. I'm pretty fearful in general. Nick probably said it best that I see the rest of the world as like me, and were the world like me it would be a fairly horrific place. So it makes sense for me to fear within the context of being unable to understand others properly; to expect their motivations to be different from my own.

So I suppose I fear consequences, I fear other people, the government, supernatural entities, my alters and the consequences of their actions, and all manner of other unseen horrors.

>>36550721
Well, first I feel embarassed that I have to look to a comic character for guidance in this way but I'm pretty developmentally stunted in some ways. Anyway, I see someone who is strong, yes, but who is uncompromising. He will do what is right for that reason alone, and cannot be corrupted. He may fear, but he always acts without cowardice or guile. Never takes the cheap shot. The implacable will is absolutely something I would like. However, even his proximity makes him powerful. Others around him are inspired to act in line with the common good. They can orient themselves from him, because he will always take the Lawful Good route, no matter what. What's more, he wouldn't cultivate this good will in order to later harvest it: people would trust him and he would never betray their trust. That's something truly remarkable to me.

>>36550810
What is wrong with your routine? I can't effectively function without one.

>>36550867
Its boring,
Wake up at 6
Go to work
Come back
Eat
Entertain
Sleep
That's it everyday
It wouldn't be so bad if not for the sudden realisations of:

>what the fuck am I doing with my body, I am still in my prime and I'm stuck at a dead end job, I'm living in a matchbox and my life isn't going anywhere.

What can I expect from therapy about depression?

>>36550675
>I slightly shudder to think of what you might consider grand...

And this is why I relate to Two-Face. I've outlined the high ideals I aspire to, but on the other hand the grand plans I had were more or less as you'd expect. Something extremely theatrical. A spectacle. Something that would make people gasp. Inspire them. Make them fear, and applaud, and explore their own feelings.

So as ever, I'm pulled in opposite directions. Add that to the difficult to control flares of anger that I have from time to time and it's basically the same set-up as Two-Face minus the scars and the power. Tossing a coin is sometimes the only way I can make a decision because both sides are so equivalent. This isn't only big things either. I just get locked in these positions of indecision. Totally paralysed. So then, toss a coin and move on.

>>36550833
I bet it's pretty common to look to fiction for guidance and inspiration, even to the point of idolizing a character as the gold standard of moral behavior. What would you feel about him if he applied equal effort, wielded the same resolve, commanded the same respect, inspired the same behavior in others, but all towards evil ends? An unshakeably malicious person.

>>36550956
You will be given meds to help your mind chill.
Don't expect them to make you happy, they're just tools to help you get your shit together.

>>36550994
I would have the feeling that that was 'bad' but I would definitely still have to admire him. Being unshakeable is inherently admirable. However, I could see that he would not be doing 'good' and thus, since I believe it is right to help others, I wouldn't admire him as much. I would definitely admire him though, a great deal.

>>36550833
I'm genuinely uncertain if I'd be afraid or relieved to learn that all humanity was exactly like me.

>>36550955
If you feel that you're under-utilizing your body, you could join up with a gym. Meet people and find something you enjoy in your area, be it races, lifting, or even a combat sport. I know starting into TKD has made me feel just better

>>36551087
Can you explain why you even believe that in the first place? Were you rationally convinced by something you read in Mill? Is it at all emotional?

Hey, who else has random bouts of energy and aggression beyond measurement. This is paired with a sense of invulnerability. I also feel like absolutely nothing can stop me.

>>36551234
I haven't felt like that since before I broke my back when I was 16

>>36551134
I couldn't put a finger on a single passage by Mill that could have lead to me believing that, but I am a fan of his certainly.

I also think I should make a distinction between being unshakeable and bigotry. Though it's important to be true to one's principles, if in the course of carrying out your will - whatever that might be - more information came to light that undermined the course of action taken, it would be right to alter the course. So, just as a for instance. Let's say that you believed for whatever reason that ISIS had to be destroyed at all cost. So you singularly pursued this goal. However, then you learned that doing so would lead to more extremism, more deaths and the ideology wouldn't be stamped out. In that case you might examine what was behind your original intent - a desire to stop a hateful ideology and to protect innocent people - and alter your plans.

>>36551234
They seem increasingly rare now, but absolutely. Nothing makes me feel like this as much as behaving sadistically though. It's the best feeling in the world.

>>36551306
That's all clear. But why do you have a believe in the "rightness" of helping others at all? Any reasons come to mind?

>>36551402
*belief
Would you say you have empathy, at least cognitive empathy?

>>36551429
>Would you say you have empathy, at least cognitive empathy?
I'll tell you after I complete this test:
https://discovermyprofile.com/eqs/introduction.html;jsessionid=39FDFB5528E0DDAD4C049A14D69E7BC0

>>36551513
I'll do it, too. Here goes

>>36551268
>>36551306
In addition to this, I also feel complete. By this I me zen or harmonious. Another thing is, I become somewhat savage. I make animalistic noises, and I grunt while doing something. Finally, I'm better at everything I do. I feel like I've reached my full capability when like this.

>>36551547
It was but a ruse. It gave no results. Tricked by Cambridge.

>>36551699
I think you've rused me. That sucks. I never know what to say to those questions anyway. I feel like most of the social ones simply don't apply to me

>can't even play a video game for more than 30 mins or so
FUCK
FUCK

>>36550560
The fact that the only chance I have at living the life I want to live relies on my ability to communicate, express myself and appear as something I am not.

>>36551760
https://psychology-tools.com/empathy-quotient/score.php
Try this one. Same questions, only it gives results.
>Below 30 is a sign of autism/ empathic poverty
>A year ago I scored 31
>Just now I scored 11
Is /r9k/ to blame?

>>36551587
Shit. Feeling complete would be nice. How often does this happen for you?

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>>36551924
I am legitimately surprised when I score so low.

>>36552070
So was I. As I said, I previously scored a hair over 30.

>>36552065
It just happens randomly. It's like the feeling of winning something like a fight or a sports game that you participated in. It's amazing.

>>36552139
I consistently score around this low. I even thought I was giving myself more credit than I usually do, yet here we are. Maybe my empathy module really is defective.

>>36552234
I'm much more tempted to chalk it up to inaccuracies in the test. I've wondered if I could design more neutral versions of some of these personality trait tests for the more socially challenged. I have no idea if people think I'm "understanding" or not. That is not a conversation I've ever had. Most of the social questions I just flip the coin on and put whatever seems right.

>>36552234
On this board, you're probably in good company. I wouldn't worry about it. As long as you don't fail the Sally-Anne Test you're fine:
http://www.educateautism.com/infographics/sally-anne-test.html

>>36552332
I'm not worried at all. I think it's a bit silly. I clearly have plenty of empathy. So clearly, from my perspective, that it does make me wonder, but not worry.

>>36552332
lol that's one of my favorite psychological tests. How would you do in the Marshmallow test (or a more adult variation) ?

>>36552070
i scored 22 but i feel like im an empathetic person

>>36552475
I always find it worrying to get an unexpected result about myself. It indicates that it's unsame to trust myself and could lead to a betrayal of sorts. Self-knowledge is very important.

>>36552537
I'd be fine with that. I'm pretty decent with self-denial as long as the motivation is there. For example, as a child I realised that I was eating too much chocolate, so just stopped cold for two years. Don't really feel strongly about it either way now. But then, it's delayed not permanently cut out. That might explain how I can go without drinking for a fair stretch but the idea of quitting permanently sounds impossible.

>>36552613
Thanks for your support. I hope I have your permission to use your testimony in court.

>>36552651
Hm, strangely, I find unexpected results both humorous and invigorating. It wouldn't bother me to learn that an iceberg lurks in the depths of my mind, even if it's "evil." I honestly find the whole idea funny. Unsure exactly why...

>>36552652
absolutely friendo, let me know when is the trial pls

>>36552755
I see where you're coming from, but low empathy represents a deficit. A weakness. As such, it's a rude surprise. It's a worry to find unexpected weaknesses.

>>36552802
I guess that's true, but historically I always looked at it from the opposite perspective, as one of freedom from the contagion of other minds.

>>36552883
Increasingly, I'm seeing it more in terms of what it stops me from doing; what experiences are denied to me. Probably just feeling a little instrospective, what with changing jobs and the woman in hospital. Not to mention, these threads honestly. It's easy to act without thought when you have no reason nor reminder to question your actions and processes.

>>36552969
That's interesting. Would you be annoyed knowing even negative experiences are denied you?

>>36552969
You mentioned something I wanted to ask about but forgot exactly what you said. You were talking to Eh about how you experienced thoughts, I believe. Do you have an internal monologue?

>>36553034
As I've said before, dramatic experiences are often more worthwhile than mundane but positive ones. For example, I'd get more out of, say, shooting myself somewhere that wouldn't do permanent damage than I would a satisfactory cup of cocoa. It would be more valuable.

>>36553131
So would it be fair to say you value intensity of experience, regardless of modality? If that's true, it's curious to me that you'd want to even reduce suffering at all.

>>36553205
For myself, that's true. But then, I want different things for others than I would want for me. I know that others wouldn't appreciate the value. Also, intensity of experience is more important but there are limits. For example, I wouldn't want to be permanently crippled.

>>36553089
I don't really know whether I have an internal monologue. Do people have an internal narrator? I reason things out.
>Ok, what do I need to do here? The best course would be to-
So if that's an internal monologue I suppose that I must.

If you've ever seen Peep Show then I assume that's what an internal monologue is right

>Lovely to see you!
>[Hope you burn to death you bitch]

Things like that. Though I also get those extra cut-ins from the others here and there. When we were doing that 'experiment' I at times mentioned what they were saying. If I hadn't been trying to resist I'd just 'let them type' if you see what I mean. Eventually it would hit a point where, like manual breathing, it just stopped being something I was aware of and I'd have shifted

I've had sex four times this month. Three with a girl, one with a guy. I'm straight though.

Just trying to forget about a girl. But I still think about her every day. I tried everything but I can't move on.

Don't know if it's the right thread to post this but it's kind of making my life really gloomy right now. It's been for a while but I thought getting laid would fix it and it only made it worse.

>>36553470
>had sex with a guy
>I'm still straight though
Unless its non-consentual, I don't see how

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I was very frail as a kid, got mad easily, sad easily, happy easily, if i remember correctly i felt everything more then other kids. My parents are immigrants and they always struggled to mix up with italians well, so they gave me lines like" italians do this or that" which together with my feeling of being always right made me pretty detached from people. I felt i was much better then them and the only correct one. My older brother was my example, being the older brother i sae him as better then me, smarter, "more correct", so i quickly started picking up his suggestions or in some ways copying his reasonments and making them mine. This made me very self conscious, for example in music i didn't really understand the music my brother listened to, but it surely had to be better then the other music so i made myself like it without even realizing it. In general these things resulted in me not trusting my feelings, i only felt what was roght to feel and rejected the rest and whoever didn't do that was wrong and stupid. This further detached me from people. Somehow i learned to ignore my feelings, because i was so weak as i said, but only wanted to feel what was correct to feel. (The feeling i am most vulnerable to is frustration, whenever something didn't go as i wanted i got and still get very fucking mad, this was the only feeling i couldn't shut down for some reason) To avoid feeling this frustration i somehow learned not only to ignore bad feelings, but my cravings too. If i wanted something, but couldn't get it i somehow stopped wanting it to avoid getting frustrated. Now this is only the starting point. In high school i became gradually more and more apathetic because there were more and more things i wanted which i shut down (the causation is only my theory of course), i became not sad, but so apathetic i didn't have the strengtg to do anything and everything seemed shit, eventhough i only felt neutral. Later on i discovered nihilism. Cont.

Nihilism helped me get free of what i thought i had to do (which was hurting me more and more, because there were things i couldn't do which i felt like i had to do). Woth nihilism i could start anew and tried going back to accepting my feelings, but i found i couldn't get fully back, somehow the apathy i developed during the bad times stayed with me, not as strong as before, but i still feel like lacking strength too often. Also another minor side effect is that since i shut down my feelings and i discovered all my rational rules were stupid, i now find myself being blank of any reaction whatsoever to some events or things. My actual situation is this:
I only want to be free of doing what i want, external factors make me too mad to deal with them, i want to live alone and i don't want to have to work for a living, which i am working towards, but recently i am doubting this will work out nice for me, i am afraid my (let's call depression this mix of lack of strength and motivation and apathy) depression will make me unable to enjoy it eventhough there is nothing else i would want more. I feel like i got broken and nothing i can do will fix me. My problem is not too bad, i would rather take this then be like many other virgins(like me let's point that out in case you want to know) who can't get over it, but i still feel like my life will be sad no matter what i do.
(I posted that screen because i saw the test linked and took it, how trustworthy is it?)

I don't really know why i posted this, just felt like explaining it, if you have any comment or suggestion they would be welcome of course.(sorry for typos)