Apathy

I'm pathetic not apathetic, get it right.

I've been that way my whole ife OP.

You learn to behave normally. If you don't at least pretend to care they get angry or cry.

I speak from experience.

The only people I pretend to l love are my mother and my gf. Everyone else isn't worth the effort lie to just to keep happy.

>>36492991
My mom gets confused and thinks I'm mad at her, but we're thankfully not that close. The most frustrating part of this is how no one seems to understand. I wear a completely blank expression for most of the day, and because of this, normalfags think I'm shy. Even my therapist doesn't quite understand. I was never going to bond with them anyways, but their responses all make me feel shit out of luck, as if we got incredibly unlucky in the lottery of life.

>>36493189
Are you schizoid?
Original

>>36493230
Just looked it up. I match a few of the criteria, but I'm self-aware and don't feel depersonalized.

>a description of an SPD individual who actually "enjoys" regular public speaking engagements but experiences great difficulty in the breaks when audience members would attempt to engage him emotionally
This is a dead ringer for me, however. I just can't interact to people honestly face-to-face.

>>36493312
>but I'm self-aware and don't feel depersonalized.
Those aren't really required for a diagnosis. Four of the following are enough, though there's more to it than that

(1) neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
(2) almost always chooses solitary activities
(3) has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
(4) takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
(5) lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
(6) appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
(7) shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity

>>36493357
Oh, christ. I fit the ICD-10 criteria perfectly, every symptom. Am I screwed?

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>>36493382
>a significantly compromised quality of life, smaller GAF scores even after 15 years and one of the lowest levels of "life success" of all PDs (measured as "status, wealth and successful relationships").[7]

Assuming it's actually SPD, then, welcome on board, there are no brakes on this train and the destination is a lonely death.

>>36493410
If that's the case, I think I might actually end up moving to a monastery or something. I've felt for some time now that a normal lifestyle would feel incredibly empty, and this only confirms it.

As a side-note, do you feel lonely? I seriously can't remember the last time I did, it was in middle school (age 12-14) at the latest.

>>36493487
>If that's the case, I think I might actually end up moving to a monastery or something. I've felt for some time now that a normal lifestyle would feel incredibly empty, and this only confirms it.
I've been thinking the same, but I don't feel like I'd be any better living in a monastery than I would be just sitting in my apartment, maybe working. If anything, I'd like to fight for something and die, but no such thing exists.
>do you feel lonely?
I don't think so. I don't even really know what it's supposed to feel like.

>>36493596
Advanced meditation is like a journey into your own mind. Entire personality changes have been documented from people who have years of experience, and 10-day retreats have brought profound insights to some. If you think about it, becoming a monk is like dying for something: You're sacrificing your old life and everything you once knew for a chance at understanding existence itself.

Apologies if that sounds pretentious. I've fantasized about this quite a lot, and hermeticism/monasticism seems like a way out. You won't reach enlightenment (there aren't any living zen masters currently IIRC), but you'll probably feel liberated from the chains of your disorder and the society with which you're at odds.

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>>36493742
I've lived somewhat like that, actually. At my family's island cabin in the summers. Just living on my own, foraging, fishing, meditating, reading, growing, felling trees, shitposting, kayaking around the islands, without any actual human contact for a few months. Honestly haven't felt as good as I did during that time since early childhood, probably. Meditation itself worked well for me, but the habit dropped as soon as I came back into town in fall.
Problem is, I don't really want to live like that for good. I'd want to work for something, maybe build something and I can't do that in isolation.

>>36493897
I can't find his name anywhere, but there was a guy in America in the 20th century who spent his life working some dull factory job in the Midwest while spending all his free time at home painting an epic series of paintings of some mythical landscape where children murder each other. Perhaps you could just pick some hobby and obsess over it all you'd like. If we don't get a wife or children, we'll have plenty of free time for things like that.

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>>36493897
>>36494319
I found it, finally. His name was Henry Darger, and he was a custodian. Despite the fact that there are some brutal scenes in his portraits, he was described as a protector of children and considered founding an organization for adoption.

>>36494319
I know the guy.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Darger
That's kind of what I'm imagining, but my relevant interest lies in AI, robotics, cybernetics, cyborgs, biomedical and electrical engineering. Shame I'm full of avolition and it's kept me from doing anything relevant so far. I just rot in front of my computer, mostly. Getting into college, probably, this fall and I'll see if it turns to anything.
I think I'll start meditating again, it worked well for my general productivity.

>>36494508
You were born in a good time for it, at least. What kind of project do you aspire to?

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>>36494544
Replacement, improvement for man.

>>36494588
Interesting. That's a big goal, good luck. I'm headed off to college as well this Fall, and if things don't make more sense afterwards, I'll begin to consider a drastic change in lifestyle. Does that hold true for you as well?

>>36494630
>Does that hold true for you as well?
Partially. I've started self-improving and I'll keep at it, but if things don't work out, I'll at least try therapy or similiar, for the first time in my life. See if I'll find some answers through that.
What are you planning on studying?

>>36494714
I have not a single clue. I'll give the literature and philosophy classes a try, since those used to interest me. I have a vague hope that I might start a band or discover a passion while there. Primarily, I'm going there because I'm not 100% sure that my current problems aren't just a phase.

>>36494802
Hope you find what you're looking for and frankly also that it's just a phase.

>>36494944
Thanks, hope you do too.