Psychological Issues #40

>>36441841
>Let's figure out together what is normal and what isn't
You're a special kind of stupid, Nick.

>>36441879

Why would that be, my angry friend?

These threads are always perfectly made in time for when I get home.

>Special theme for today: the rules of your childhood.

What do you mean? Like rules set by parents?

>>36442074

I usually make them in the evening.

Yeah, like houserules. I've recently discovered that normal people don't shower/bathe their children only once a week, for instance.

I really feel like a fucking alien sometimes.

I've made plenty of discoveries like that, and people who grew up in abusive homes don't necessarily know that it wasn't normal.

Classic example: knocking on doors. In my family, our parents would knock to announce their coming in, not to wait for you to open or say "Come in!" This doesn't happen in healthy families, but I know other narcy parents who don't give a fuck about knocking. It's a matter of boundaries.

Little things like that are big red flags.

>>36442137
I don't remember much of my very early childhood but as a teen living with my parents I showered daily.

As for knocking, my parents would always knock and then come straight in a second later anyway, making it completely pointless. (I suppose it at least let me close any lewd windows on my computer)

Aside from attending Mass absolutely every Sunday, my childhood was the wild west.
Congratulations on reaching the 40th thread. I wonder if you expected to make this many when you started.

>>36442200
>As for knocking, my parents would always knock and then come straight in a second later anyway, making it completely pointless. (I suppose it at least let me close any lewd windows on my computer)

Not a good sign. The only parents who do this that I know of ended up being narcs. But there are degrees. They can have some traits without being as bad as my parent.

Did it ever occur to you that this was not normal behaviour? Normal parents knock and wait for an answer, or the door to be opened.

>as a teen living with my parents I showered daily.

My brother showered when he got up; this upset them so much, they bitched about it for YEARS. It's all my brother was: the person who wastes money and time on showers.

>>36442221

Hello, Meta. Comparing childhoods is going to be something with you around now.

I had no idea how many threads this could become. Given how things are, 100 won't be unlikely at all.

>>36442285
I'm exaggerating, but things were negotiated on a case by case basis. There weren't very many rules set in stone.

>>36442259
>Did it ever occur to you that this was not normal behaviour?

Definitely, it always annoyed me, and I knew it wasn't something that other people did.

Other than that, my parents were pretty strict with me. They'd always want to know where I am at all times, and were the kind that would probably go through my stuff while they were "cleaning" my room. (at least I thought they, that was probably just my paranoia speaking most of the time)

>>36442323
What were you afraid they would find?

>>36442389
Nothing, that's the thing. I was worrying again for no reason. The only thing I really wouldn't have wanted them seeing was stuff like my messages and history, which is probably why I hate leaving my devices unlocked/at home now

Hi, Nick, I fell asleep yesterday right as the thread died,
today after uni I went to a classmate's house with two other classmates, we ate lunch and played games and shit, it was fun, but I kept thinking about how much I wanted to be home.

You ever get that feeling that you're caught in a loop? Since I was 19, I've been dropping in and out of college, going through different shit tier service jobs, and trying to just live a positive life. I always lose all my shit (job, school, car, relationships), get really miserable, and become a NEET for an extended period of time. Eventually I gain it back in addition to something else I hadn't had before, be a little happy but then become extremely miserable again and fuck my shit up once more.

Each time adds another embarrassing moment or interactions with friends/family. I am 28 now, back in NEET mode since October. How do I stop the loop?

>>36442323

Damn, my parents did exactly this. My mother went through our stuff when we were gone. She found some lyrics my brother had written for a song, after he'd read a book on Near Death Experiences, so the lyrics were about dying and finding the light and all.

Our mother confronted him about it, yelling at him stuff like, "Whoever wrote THIS is SICKS in their mind! WHo'd think of writing such THINGS?"

As if she didn't know who wrote it... That was always a way to make you feel responsible and guilty, because you end up being the one that fills the gap and put your name instead of "whoever", instead of focusing on the more important fact that your mother had spied on you.

It never occurred to us that this wasn't normal.

She once changed my room entirely after I had gone on holidays. She read through all my texts, one was about my childhood and contained much abuse; she casually told me about it and even told my father about it, and she said he didn't remember any of it.

So fucking crazy when I think about it now.

>>36442424
Do these worries manifest in any other situations?

>>36442424
>which is probably why I hate leaving my devices unlocked/at home now

BINGO!!!

You'll probably realise your parents were a little more toxic than you thought. That's my bet.

>>36442389

For my part, I hid my diary inside my matress and wrote it in English as soon as I was capable of doing so. She either never found it, or found it but never bothered, because she can't read English.

I burglarised my old bedroom back in February, and took all my old diaries and papers and the rest, lest they'd use it against me somehow.

>>36442429
Any source of the misery you can identify?

>>36442426

Maybe these aren't the best friends for you? Maybe you need to open up more to them.

>>36442429

Do you think it's self-sabotage? Any examples?

>>36442460
Use them against you? How? Blackmail? Just in an argument or actual incrimination?

>>36442431
Wow that's horrible, I didn't realise just how bad your parents were

>>36442466
as I said yesterday, I don't consider anyone IRL a friend.

what does open up more mean?

>>36442137
Jesus, I never knew that was normal, even into my late teens my parents would walk into my room whenever. I don't think they've knocked a single time. Looking back that would've been nice as someone with anxiety.

>>36442460
Not related, but I'm curious what English language education is like in Switzerland.

>>36442460
I did a similar thing with my diary. I kept it inside a kind of safe, and wrote it in German. (still didn't stop me from worrying about it though)

>>36442507
To show your true self to them. To not guard yourself around them. Simply to trust them.

>>36442436
Constantly. I pretty much believe for some reason that Murphy's law is in full effect for me 100% of the time

>>36442500

The same way my brother had stuff used against him, but possibly much worse. Using it to shame me with old poems and paintings, for instance.

>>36442506
>Wow that's horrible, I didn't realise just how bad your parents were

That's among the low tier abuse.

Everyone, share your thoughts on this gem: when I was a baby in a pram, my mother would leave me outside supermarkets to shop unbothered by the cumbersome little fucker that was me. When I told my therapist, her reaction was visible, and she said, "Is this a joke?"

Nothing better than to share my past with her and realise everything was fucked and that I didn't grow up with so many issues for nothing.

>>36442507

To show yourself as who you are, to them, even though this may not make much sense for you if your sense of self is confused. Share how you feel, what you think, and trust.

>>36442561
>my mother would leave me outside supermarkets

That's ridiculous. At that point point it feels like she almost wanted you to be taken or something

>>36442464
>>36442491

I tend to drink too much, but during my periods of sobriety and I am actually "moving forward" so to speak (new job, back in school doing well, girlfriend, ect), I still end up fucking miserable inside. I try Alcoholic's Anonymous but I just feel like I am faking the 12 steps and I am just doing it so people see me and it appears that I am on my shit. Even though I have a job again, friends, getting an education my life still feels so empty at times... So I'll finally drink and I will get the motivation buzz I had been craving for so long... not long after that I fuck my shit up again by making extremely short-sighted, impulsive decisions.

I also hate that I am an extremely anxious person who sweats a lot.

>>36442546
>>36442570
I think I do that already, I'm not 100% sure though,
like I do hide some stuff like the fact that I'm a sad and broken piece of shit, or some other things that I'd rather not tell

>>36442561
That's fucked, Nick. When you watched movies growing up, what did you think of the social dynamics of the characters in comparison with your real life experiences?

>>36442512

Red flag. It means they don't consider you someone with boundaries that must be respected. It may seem like a detail, but my parents would also rape hospital boundaries, come an hour early for visits, manage to convince the reception staff to let them in, and end up surprisingly visiting unsuspecting people who didn't even want them to come in the first place.

If I could go back in time, I'd stage myself fapping on my bed, without attempting to do anything to hide when they come in until I realise they might not have disliked that, so argh.

It was like it was always my responsibility to be sure I wasn't doing anything private in my room, like changing, or anything. When I wanted privacy, I locked the door. Later, because these retards would still try to come in and would hurt themselves trying to get in, I added a sign on my door.

>>36442520

In my part of the country, it's OK but very few people have my level of English. To get to my level, you need to have zero social life and see English as your way out, then spend over 10 years doing little but read books in English.

>>36442591
Can you describe the emptiness that provokes a relapse? Do you use any other substances?

>>36442550

It really sounds like C-PTSD for this sort of thing. Time to reassess your parents, Ethan.

Guys, post more examples of your childhood, teenage years and etc.

Post normal rules too, we may discover stuff.

I remember being 6 or 8 and being left alone to eat, because I was "too slow". Is this normal? Would normal parents do this?

I personally wouldn't, which is usually a hint that this was not normal.

>>36442602
If you open up to them, you will be relieved and you if you trust them, you will feel comfortable around them.

But I have another questions, why do you not consider anyone IRL your friend? I'm asking, because this is a sentence that I have also said many times. But for me, it's trust issues.

>>36442667
I wouldn't do that. I think it's safe to assume everything your parents did was the wrong thing.

>>36442667
I won't post specific examples, but I didn't fully understand that the changes in behavior and attitude in one of my parents during evenings were attributable to inebriation for the longest time during my childhood.

>>36442667
>Time to reassess your parents

I haven't talked to my parents in quite a while, but I don't really think they were bad or anything, just maybe a little too controlling of my life. They wanted to know every detail of my life. I remember walking in with new earphones that I'd bought after school one day because my old ones broke, and my dad started questioning me: "what are those?""What happened to your other ones?""Where'd you get the money?""Why didn't you tell me?" etc.

Why couldn't I just do a completely normal thing like buy some earphones without having to give every detail about it?

>>36442648

It feels as if I am drifting with no real purpose... and that I am a selfish fraud. I'll think about embarrassing things I have said or done, or when I am really stressed at whatever job I'm at (usually waiting tables) I'll fantasize about killing myself. Both my parents are doctors, as well as my brother and I can't even manage to get an associates degree. Sometimes, I will tell myself it would be better for my family in the event I was dead, because then it would bring them closer together and eliminate me from their minds as a source of emotional distress.

I used to smoke weed, but now it makes me paranoid as fuck so it's either alcohol or Xanax... but mostly cheap, shitty alcohol I can buy in large amounts.

>>36442591

Time to describe your parents.

>>36442612

Insightful question, because I remember always wanting to be in a movie. I wanted my life to be like a movie, because everything made sense in a movie.

I remember watching ET and seeing how the family interacts, being amazed that their parents let them say such things. I wanted to be in that family, it felt nice. Later, I assumed it was "just a movie" like my parents said. I thought movies were way more unreal than they were. I only realised recently that my reality was way, way more unreal than actual movies.

>>36442784
Has your perception of their feelings toward you been confirmed? What accomplishments are necessary to rid yourself of this?

>>36442745

That must have been fucking disturbing. It clearly is on the list of abuse. A drunk parent can't take care of you correctly.

>>36442753

Your parents show very abnormal behaviour. Their intent was to control, but maybe also to make you feel bad, which is what happened, to the point where it made you think about it way more than you should have, causing anxiety and stress about everyday things, which you suffer from to this day.

I had wondered about the cause of your daily things anxiety, but I think we know now.

Dig some more!

File: 1492090339222.png (333KB, 540x470px) Image search: [Google]

333KB, 540x470px

>>36442826
That's heartbreaking, Nick.

>>36442800
They're good people. They separated when I was 17 about 10 years ago but it never hit me in any particular way... they're not on speaking terms with each other, however. They always tell me that they aren't disappointed in me or expect me to work in the medical field or anything like that. I'm just extremely hard on myself. I always think of what the outside world looking in would think when they see me and they see them.

My dad called me a bum the other day and he has called the cops on me since I have moved in with him but really he's just as dysfunctional as I am at times. But he is a good person. At the end of the day, my parents are fine my brothers are fine it's me I just have always felt out of touch since I was a little kid. As if I am not meant to enjoy things. A real cynical asshole... and it manifests into anxiety.

>>36442874
I honestly don't have that much else to tell you about them. Aside from them wanting to watch me constantly like Big Brother, they were relatively normal.

As I said, ever since I had a falling out with my dad, I don't really talk to them anymore. I'm thinking about trying to reconnect a bit.

>>36442899

Is it? I realise I have no idea how to react to my own past, because it was just my normal. I keep being surprised.

I sometimes make my therapist have a very strong emotional reaction without expecting it at all. Voice breaking, quick tears, etc.

As a kid, I wanted to turn my life into scenes. I wanted conversation to go smoothly like in films. I realise now that normal people DO speak like in the movies. My dream was reality, but my reality was a nightmare.

>>36442853
It was mostly goofy, childish behavior. Seeing older people in helpless positions is one thing that really disturbs me. I can't stand watching videos of old ladies getting one of those parasitic charismatic preachers stuck to their livelihoods. It infuriates me.

>>36442937

Stockholm Syndrome, bro, you have it.

>my father is a good man
>my father called the cops on me

I hope we can redpill you in time.

>>36442939

What was a typical evening in your family?

In mine, depending on the year, we'd just eat together, then we kids would go to our rooms and our parents would watch TV in the living room. TV is most of what they do. TV is always on.

As a kid, I sometimes wanted to watch a show, and dinner time changed on the daily, it seems, so I didn't want to miss the show, and asked if we could watch TV while eating, but I was always told no.

Then when it was their show, suddenly the rule was different.

Nowadays, they always have the TV on when they eat.

It's as though it was a special rule for me.

Is it normal to watch TV while having dinner?

>>36442961

One of the most traumatic things in my childhood had to do with the absence of understandable meaning. Being forced to watch movies for adults scared me more because I had no idea what the story was than for the sheer violence or sexuality in them.

>>36442937
Why did he call the cops?

>>36442827

They bend over backwards to help me. Makes me feel even worse about where I am at in my life. What I want more than anything else is the ability to let go of things like missed opportunities. I want optimism and serenity. If I don't have those, then I am just going to fuck my shit up again no matter what I accomplish on paper.

>>36443027
>What was a typical evening in your family?

I cooked my dinner and ate it, nothing special about it at all. One upside of my parents wanting to keep tabs on me is that when I'm right there in the house with them, they know everything I'm doing, so they were pretty loose.

>Is it normal to watch TV while having dinner?
I often did when I ate and I'm sure my parents did too. They were similar to what you said about your parents in how they always had the TV on

>>36442696
how do I even open up to them, do I just go hi I'm on the brink of destruction?

I'm not sure,
but I always saw others going out with friends, having fun and talking, when I didn't do any of that,
I'm not even sure what classifies as a friend.

>>36443051
Were you actually forced? Like, just R rated stuff? I watched them from a young age, but there was no coercion. What response did you have at the sight of such mature depictions?

>>36443056
>They bend over backwards to help me. Makes me feel even worse about where I am at in my life

This may not be obvious to you, but they frequently do the first so that you feel the latter. My parents function this way: do a maximum of things for others so they can gather ammo against those people later on.

Every, fucking, time. "AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE FOR YOU?!?"

It's the PURPOSE of their help. To feel powerful, better than you, to patronise you later on, etc. It's about power and control.

> I want optimism and serenity. If I don't have those, then I am just going to fuck my shit up again no matter what I accomplish on paper.

Toxic parents spread negativity everywhere, and inside you, so you can never know peace, unless you cut them off. I've done just that and I'm free now. They can't do shit to me anymore.

>>36443056
Any specific opportunities you regret not seizing?

>>36443095
>I cooked my dinner and ate it,

You were in charge of your own meals?

>>36443055

I was very drunk, he called me a bum and started yelling at me. I got in his face and started yelling back, and begging him to beat the shit out of me. I am a terrible human being.

>>36443107
>do I just go hi I'm on the brink of destruction?

I'd go for it. "Guys, I'm not doing too well."

If they're real friends, they'll be worried and they'll be listening.

>>36443159
Yes, I just went shopping with them, bought whatever ingredients I needed, and cooked a meal with them. Obviously this didn't happen when I was extremely young but it started as I was approaching my teen years

>>36443107
>when I didn't do any of that,
Why didn't you?

>>36443170
I don't think you are. You were drunk but still only asked violence to be done to you. He shouldn't have called the cops unless you were totally out of control

>>36443117

I remember my mother, who's nowadays a complete dunce when it comes to cinema, could advise me on films that are actually great, but not adapted to my age. I saw Schindler's List around the age of 12, I had no idea what World War 2 was, and the movie made no sense to me, really. It was like a dream. I saw Midnight Express at a very early age too, and was shocked at the masturbation scene, and the rest of the violence.

As a kid, I remember seeing stuff like the torture scene in Rambo (that was with my aunt, who's very similar to my mother, and just as evil) and I remember a movie about some artist who dies in a car crash with his family; his son and wife aren't dead, but the son is in a coma; the artist finds himself in the hands of Death, the grim reaper, and he has to make an animated film for Death, in order to save his son in a coma.

I remember watching this and being thoroughly traumatised, to the point where googling this fucking thing makes me feel physically ill.

I wasn't shown porn, but they either had no idea what movie were adapted to my age (kinda doubt it), or it was intentional.

Not understanding scenes made me absolutely resent music videos later in life, unless I could make sense of them. Making sense of things became a survival instinct to me.

>>36443170
>I got in his face and started yelling back, and begging him to beat the shit out of me. I am a terrible human being.

Still doesn't warrant calling the cops on your own son.

How come you asked him to beat you? Did he use to do it?

>>36443203

OK, is this a cool thing? I can imagine cooking with family can be a great thing, but it depends on the family.

We never cooked together in my family.

>>36443316
Sorry I should have been more clear. When I said "cooked a meal with them" i meant with the ingredients, not my parents, we cooked separately

>>36443290
H-hehe... 12 sounds plenty old to me for almost anything... It's a good thing I'll never have kids...

>>36443235

I am staying at his apartment rent free. I shouldn't have gotten in his face like that.

>>36443301
I think I just wanted to get my ass kicked, to be honest. He would whoop us with belts when me and my brother was little... but not to the point where it would be considered child abuse.

>>36443290
I wonder if these would've had the same effects if you lacked even a bit of your keen empathy.

>>36443338
>we cooked separately

I don't get this. What? At what age? And why?

>>36443173
but I'm the one that doesn't want to tell them, I don't consider them friends.
Sometimes I tell something to some of my Internet friends, but not too much because I don't want to annoy them and also as always only in group chats.

>>36443211
I was the shy kid, and I didn't had much interest in talking to others myself.
or at least this is what I remember, can't be sure since I don't remember too well

>>36443369
He should've known you were drunk and that law.enforcement is the incorrect route to take. Anything can happen when you call the police, especially in fucking America.

>>36443369
I consider any beatings child abuse. You should never hit a child. When will people learn this?

>>36443355

Seeing Schindler's List at that age didn't traumatise me, I don't have a bad memory of it other than being bored because I didn't understand what was going on and why.

>>36443369
>He would whoop us with belts when me and my brother was little... but not to the point where it would be considered child abuse.

Er... it IS child abuse. It'll blow your mind and you'll hear your father's voice, but even spanking is considered child abuse. And they're right: you actually never need to hit a child. I know, I work with kids of any ages, in groups, and physical violence, however "small" it is, is never required. You just have to know what you're doing.

Using belts on a child is pure, pure mental illness.

Have you ever beat a friend with a belt? Would you beat a kid with a belt?

>>36443402
I think it started from about eleven, and we just did it because they wouldn't have to put in the effort of cooking for me, and I could have what I wanted

>>36443384

The question often is: do I have my keen empathy because of this shit? Or was I more traumatised by these things because I already had it?

>>36443444

Trips of truth.

Not long ago, I thought it was ridiculous that some Northern nation banned all physical violence on kids, even though I myself would never have hit a kid. These were leftovers from my own indoctrination.

>>36443150

I regret leaving Dallas, quitting my job, dropping out of school again and driving to Chicago to be with a 20 year old I was infatuated with. I lived in my car for 2 weeks drinking and showering at the gym, working doubles to save up more money to be near hear. Once again, extremely impulsive decision and I honestly have nothing to show for it besides nude pics and vids and what I think may be genital warts. I just had not had sex in years.

I also owe the city of Chicago over $3,000 in parking tickets. That's my most recent, greatest regret to be honest.

Are you guys NEETs as well? Otherwise , how's life and classes going for you?

>>36443467
>I think it started from about eleven, and we just did it because they wouldn't have to put in the effort of cooking for me, and I could have what I wanted

Ethan, that's sad as fuck. That's neglect, and thus, abuse. Your parents are in charge of you. Having to cook for yourself, because they wouldn't is highly abnormal. Get this, it didn't happen in MY family!

Having to cook at 11, for yourself, that's just fucked. Most of my students absolutely cannot cook at this age, and some, at 15, forgot to use water when cooking pasta, as an example.

Man, that is fucked. I'm not sure you realise just how fucked this is.

>>36443471
You can't blame your parents for being a failure in life, anon. I used to do it until recently. My parents are actually good people although a little strange and antisocial. They have their own problems and are fucked up in their own special ways. I can't change the past and althought they did some questionable things, I realise they ARE trying their best. That said everybody's situation is different. Lately I realise I'm failing because of my addictions and trying to keep up an edgelord persona, without having the balls to back it up. I still haven't found a way out.

>>36443407
>I was the shy kid, and I didn't had much interest in talking to others myself.

Okay. Now tell me one thing and be honest. Are you okay with this situation?

It's perfectly okay for some people to be loners, to not enjoy the company of people much. It's not a problem. Is it really this way for you? If it is, there is nothing to talk about.

But if it isn't, you have to be honest with yourself. For example, I often said that I don't consider anyone to be my friend, that I don't like being around people, but it wasn't true. I was just trying to defend my ego and justify my trust issues. I knew, but I would never admit it even to myself out of fear of abandonment, disappointment, whatever. It's easy to mask fear as disinterest.

Is there any chance it's similar for you? Honestly I think it might be.

>>36443536
I feel like I think it's less bad because I didn't mind it. As you can tell from my job, I enjoy cooking, so it wasn't really anything that I wasn't happy with

>>36443514
>I also owe the city of Chicago over $3,000 in parking tickets.

And knowing the average ticket price in the US, you must have gone hard at it, real hard.

So it' some crazy love story?

>>36443548
>You can't blame your parents for being a failure in life, anon
If your parents are the cause for your failures, yes you definitely can and should hold them at fault. Blaming yourself for something that's not your fault is retarded. Just accept the facts and move on.

>>36443471
Hmm... I wonder if there's a mechanism to cause that. As a first reaction, I think I'd expect to see the opposite, a hardening of the heart with early exposure to violence, but a transformation of the fear you experienced into a lifelong aversion to suffering in others may be plausible. It seems to me you would need the empathy to begin with in order for this to get off the ground. Just speculation, but it's interesting.

>>36443552
well I've always been OK with it, only ever felt bad when others told me I was missing out on life, even if I didn't feel that way.

But I'm really confused about this, lately I've noticed that I love my Internet friends a lot, more than myself I think, and I think that if I were to originally meet them IRL I wouldn't care much about them.

>>36443520

I'm a teacher.

>>36443548
>You can't blame your parents for being a failure in life

I really don't see how having a heightened sense of empathy would equate to being a failure in life, anon.

The point isn't about blaming, but explaining things.

The fact is that most people are completely unaware of the influence of parents on children from ages 0 to 6 and beyond. The way you're raised literally affects your brain, in shape and whatnot (anxiety-ridden people have smaller brain bits; it doesn't make them less intelligent, but it does have nasty consequences).

> I realise they ARE trying their best

I realised the opposite. I thought they were trying to their best, they were not. They were liars, manipulators, thieves. They'd steal all the money gathered by my Godparents until my 18th birthday, and tell me that they were just assholes who only left 50 bucks or something. They did the same trick to both of my brothers.

I know exactly why I have had the issues I've had, and yes, my parents are to blame.

>>36443589
I do hold the accountable for some of the shit. But I realise that the older I get the less it is their fault and the more it is mine. I also see their lives clearer, I see what they got from my fucked up grandparents. I see how they have shit to deal with everyday and I realise some of the dumb stuff they did is just coping mechanisms. They DO care about me tho. That's where I differ from Nick I think.

>>36443552

Good to see you!

>>36443569

I understand that, but that's like when my brother and I thought it was cool to listen to our mother read us a story on a fucking tape she had recorded.

Would you let your 11-year-old child cook for himself?

>>36443605
>a hardening of the heart

I think both reactions, as to why, it's a mystery. I think my parents suffered similar abuse as the one they caused, maybe not as bad, unsure, and their reaction was to become Sith Lords, while mine was to fight the Dark Side and suffer a long time, instead of yielding to it.

>>36443675
>Would you let your 11-year-old child cook for himself?

Not unless he really wanted to, no, and even then I'd keep watch

>>36443668
>But I realise that the older I get the less it is their fault and the more it is mine. I also see their lives clearer, I see what they got from my fucked up grandparents. I see how they have shit to deal with everyday and I realise some of the dumb stuff they did is just coping mechanisms.
That's how humans work, after all. Every murderer, rapist, arsonist, violent junkie and the like are just the result of their birth and what's happened to them in life. There isn't a person alive who got to choose who they were born as.

>>36443642
>and I think that if I were to originally meet them IRL I wouldn't care much about them.

Maybe because online, you can project on them. You can imagine them as ideal, whereas offline, they're real. You may have a wrong perception of who they are, based on standards that are biased. Self-hate often leads to hating others, for equally unfair reasons.

>>36443668
>They DO care about me tho. That's where I differ from Nick I think.

Maybe they really do. That's where OUR PARENTS differ, pal, not you and me. When daddy attempts to drown you at a public pool when you're 5, only to then humiliate you publically for being a pussy while 80 people watch, you think twice before considering fatherly love being a real thing.

It really is dissociation
I wish I had someone to help me out of this
I will talk to the college nurse tomorrow

>>36443707

Bingo.

Exactly what I'd do too. If he wanted, I'd be right there. And I'd enjoy seeing my son cool, for fuck's sake. Why couldn't our parents do that? They didn't give a fuck, that's why.

Your parents couldn't care enough to fucking cook for you. This makes me mad. Hell, I'd cook for you.

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I know this test has probably been in these threads before, but I'm interested in others results.

No clue how I got high on violent, every question about harming others I chose the peaceful option

>>36443720
>Every murderer, rapist, arsonist, violent junkie and the like are just the result of their birth and what's happened to them in life. There isn't a person alive who got to choose who they were born as.

It's not that deterministic at all. I do believe much, if not all, of the criminals in prison have mental issues mostly due to their upbringing, that doesn't take away your responsibility.

My father, supposedly, was beaten, and he beat me, and I have never beaten a child and never will. There is something you can do.

>>36443702
Do you believe you would suffer no longer were you to succumb to the blackness?

>>36443798
oops

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

>>36443772

That's good; make sure to see a psychiatrist if you can.

Glad you're moving forward.

>>36443798

Dante's Hell? Level 2, here I come.

>>36443720
This is why I don't hate people who don't threaten me with bodily harm or theft. I just get slightly annoyed. I have ascended for the last 2 years almost. I just can't bring myself to hate almost noone since I'm able to put myself in their shoes. The only one I started to hate is myself, I hated myself before too but I always blamed others. I now hate myself even more because I'm the only one to blame. I can be better but I don't want to. I want to cheat society, I want to consume without paying, I want to steal without getting caught. I'm living a lie and I often disgusted from myself. Death is probably the only release but I don't crave, I know it will come. Until then might as well have some fun.

>>36443798
Got a link? I'll probably take it

>>36443824
I don't know if I'm comfortable with the idea of therapy yet, but I'm sure it will be offered to me
Thank you for finding the word to put to my experience

>>36443773
I really didn't mind it though, and I'm sure they knew that. If I'd asked them to cook for I think they probably would've

>>36443834
>>36443821
Always happens!!

>>36443798
>No clue how I got high on violent, every question about harming others I chose the peaceful option

The test knows you're lying! Ye cunning violent person you!

Sneaky test, that.

>>36441841
Hi Doctor Nick. Is it ok to email you? Is it still: [email protected]?

>>36443806
>that doesn't take away your responsibility.
I'm not talking about just their mental health. I'm talking about EVERYTHING about them. Their genes, their bodies, their parents, their upbringing, the things going on around them that formed them into the people they are. Nobody can choose these things, yet these are the things that define one as a human and are the things responsible for the person being the way they are. How can the person itself have any responsibility over these things? Any actions he takes, any thoughts he makes, he makes as himself. He can't just snap his fingers and turn himself into an entirely different being, or think outside of his own mind.

What kind of a child would choose to be a murderer? What kind of a baby would choose to grow into such a child? What kind of fetus is capable of these decisions?

>>36443817

My parents don't suffer for the most part. They're full on dark side now. They can only suffer as much as little children can.

>>36443826

You're pathologically harsh on yourself, possibly repeating someone else's voice, and you find that easier than taking the high road and doing what needs to be done.

It may sound noble, but what you're doing is toxic to yourself. Some people truly enjoy doing bad things, they're not retarded, they just enjoy it.

>>36443642
>But I'm really confused about this
Then chances are you not completely okay with it.

>if I were to originally meet them IRL I wouldn't care much about them.
Imagine you could find people IRL for which you would feel the same way. Except people on the internet, instinctively you don't consider them to be such a threat, so you don't guard yourself, you open yourself up and ... this is going to sound retarded, but it feels good to care about someone. You're not allowing yourself to care about people IRL.

And I think even you realize, that you are missing out.

>>36443570

Met her at my last job. An eccentric Colombian girl. Feminist, bisexual, ect. We were working at this organic health conscious restaurant in a wealthy area in Dallas. She is very pretty and I remember everyone trying to ask her out on a date or get her number since the day she interviewed. I have extremely low self esteem, so I treated her like anyone else knowing the possibility of me hooking up with her was nearly non-existent. I basically was the only one that didn't kiss her ass. I was so depressed I didn't care. Even called her a bitch and a cunt to her face once. I didn't give a fuck about anything.

>tells me she has a crush on me out of the blue one day
>I think it's some elaborate joke and laugh in her face
>she gets my number through our scheduling system and we start talking
>realize she isn't kidding and I just tell her whatever she needs to hear to get closer to her
>she invites herself over to my house

A week later we're having sex before work, after work, hooking up during work, all kinds of things I had not experienced in a long time. She didn't believe in using condoms, she let me nut inside her a few times. We became really, really close. She calls me before she goes to sleep if she isn't with me, ect ect.... anyways long story short this goes on for 2 months then she moves to Chicago for school. I visited her twice, then she started talking about open relationships and getting on tinder looking for girls to date as well as other guys... shit fucked me up but I didn't tell her. She asked me to move up there and I did. Keep in mind, she's on tinder still and it's fucking with my head because she won't tell me who else she is seeing. She starts working as a cocktail waitress at a strip club... and it's more than that but shit just fell apart from there. I should never have left Dallas, I do not blame her, but it was a TERRIBLE idea on my part to chase her.

>>36443842

Welcome.

Go with it, you have nothing to fear.

>>36443846

I understand, but still.

>>36443879

Yes. My e-mail is no secret: [email protected]

I try to post it once per thread. Have we met before?

>>36443861
I actually wonder if that's how it works, it thought that answering like I did was a probably lies and chose "high". Unlikely, but I don't see how else it could have done that.

>>36443894
>How can the person itself have any responsibility over these things?

Sounds like Robot rhetoric intended to absolve onself from responsibility. I don't endorse that.

>
What kind of a child would choose to be a murderer?

Ask Murderfag, his fantasy is to murder someone. It makes me have mental orgasms.

>What kind of a baby would choose to grow into such a child? What kind of fetus is capable of these decisions?

What kind of seed wants to be a fucking chair? What kind of crazy as sperm wants to be Donald Trump?

I don't really see the point of this argument. People grow up, they evolve, and they act on their desires, if they choose to.

>>36443806
>My father, supposedly, was beaten, and he beat me, and I have never beaten a child and never will. There is something you can do.
This is very interesting point. Allow me to add that for example my father was beaten A LOT. He was beaten so hard he sometimes couldn't go to school the second day. He was beaten by my grandfather, who would use things like 4' of 3/4" gardenhose, thick wires and wooden handles for hoes, etc.

After this, my father has NEVER beaten me. Of course he would sometimes get physical, but he would do things that were more uncomfortable rather than really hurting. It's funny how sometimes these things turn out. So just a case in point. My father was beaten like unripe rye, yet he never laid his hand on me.

>>36443911
>You're pathologically harsh on yourself, possibly repeating someone else's voice, and you find that easier than taking the high road and doing what needs to be done.
>It may sound noble, but what you're doing is toxic to yourself. Some people truly enjoy doing bad things, they're not retarded, they just enjoy it.
How do I leave this hell then? I have stuff to do yet I procrastinate with internet and drugs. I'm failing college for the second time. My parents just got me a new room with their scarce funds so I can study in peace, yet here I am browsing
/r9k/ and smoking cigarrette after cigarette. I promised myself I won't drink and don't have money for weed so I can't distract myself. I just sit here and think how disgusting I am. I don't even feel anger or hate for myself, just disgust.

>>36444008
>Sounds like Robot rhetoric intended to absolve onself from responsibility. I don't endorse that.
And I'm not juvenile or stupid enough to think like that.
>What kind of seed wants to be a fucking chair? What kind of crazy as sperm wants to be Donald Trump?
Yes. Where does the idea that a person can choose his own being come from?
>I don't really see the point of this argument. People grow up, they evolve, and they act on their desires, if they choose to.
>if they choose to
And what do they base this decision on, may I ask?

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Kinda silly but whatever

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>>36443798
>that translated passage of the Divine Comedy
absolutely sinful

Per me si va ne la citta' dolente,
per me si va ne l'etterno dolore,
per me si va tra la perduta gente.
Giustizia mosse il mio alto fattore:
fecemi la divina potestate,
la somma sapienza e 'l primo amore;
dinanzi a me non fuor cose create
se non etterne, e io etterno duro.
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch' intrate

had to use an apostrophe instead of an accent because non ASCII text isn't allowed, damn you bot,

>>36443950
>We were working at this organic health conscious restaurant in a wealthy area in Dallas.

You sure like to play with fire.

> Even called her a bitch and a cunt to her face once.

Damn, bro, you're corrosive.

> I just tell her whatever she needs to hear to get closer to her

You moved from not giving a fuck to full blown machiavellian sneaky bastard there.

>She didn't believe in using condoms,

A noncondomist, I suppose. You jizzed in her on the regular, you wanted to be a daddy, real bad.

> shit fucked me up but I didn't tell her.

Unhealthy boundaries, you have.

So what kind of STD's did you get from her?

Also, might be tough, but I think she chose you out of the lot because you probably seemed an easy target.

> I do not blame her,

No, you're responsible for your own choices, but holy shit she's a demon.

>>36441841
Hey, I've seen you make this thread before (though the #40 should have been a giveaway xD ). You're a good dude and you're doing a good job(:

>>36443966
It doesn't fit in the topic of the thread. I haven't posted here before.

>>36444031

Evidence that personal responsibility is a thing.

>>36444041

Get your cute butt to a therapist, work it out. It will help. You need to feel safe so you can focus. You need to be happy.

>>36444067
>Where does the idea that a person can choose his own being come from?

The fact that you get to have a choice.

>And what do they base this decision on, may I ask?

A whole lot of various settings. They still choose. You can play poker very differently even if it's the same hand. You still get to choose.

Fucking pussyo

>>36444117

Thank you!

>>36444123

I'm not following.

>>36444201

Nice to meet you, Pussyo. What's your problem?

>>36444041
Kill yourself already you useless waste of space

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another silly sin test, i just think they're fun

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/seven_deadly_sins.html

>>36444195
>The fact that you get to have a choice.
When exactly is this choice given to you?
>You can play poker very differently even if it's the same hand
But what do you base your playstyle choice on?
>A whole lot of various settings.
That are based on what? Genes? Upbringing? Past events? The personality of the individual in question, as a whole?

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>>36444241
No, fuck you. Telling me to kill myself just makes me not want to kill myself.
Fuck you.

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THE RESULTS ARE IN.

As predicted by myself: level 2. The Lustful.

>>36444097

I am almost certain she gave me HPV. I have hard bumps in places that were never there in my life before that will not go away.

>>36444216
I need advice about something and I asked what your email was. I then said it wasn't on topic. Username: Gil.

>>36444309
You should stop lusting after a dead woman

>>36444249
>When exactly is this choice given to you?

If I show you two chairs and tell you that you can choose one or the other, you get a choice. Same thing.

>But what do you base your playstyle choice on?

On anything you want.

>That are based on what? Genes? Upbringing? Past events? The personality of the individual in question, as a whole?

And a whole lot more. None of this makes it a non-choice.

My mother never set any rules for me and I always thought I have it very good, but now I see how undisciplined I am without any sort of ambitions. Did she just simply not care about me?

>>36444318

For curiosity, can you look up Histrionic Personality Disorder and tell me if that sounds like her?

Nick, please ask me questions and make me talk.

>>36444337

Oh, you can always ask here unless you want privacy. I always have my inbox on another tab, you can send your e-mail whenever, I'll see it.

>>36444345

If that was an attempt at humor, it failed. If it's anything else, do elaborate.

>>36444363

Lack of discipline and a frame is abuse. It tends to make children very insecure.

It's easier to let your kid do whatever than it is to raise him well.

>>36444394

Describe your ideal friend to me.

>>36444422
Yeah I'm extremely insecure. Are there any solutions you would suggest?

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Another non-surprise... Ahem...

>>36444491
>Yeah I'm extremely insecure. Are there any solutions you would suggest?

Firstly, learn what a normal childhood looks like. I may share mine, though it's not normal, but it sure fucking was disciplined.

You ready?

>>36444360
>you get a choice
A choice whose answer depends utterly on my existing personality. Whatever decision I make is based on who I am and I never had a choice in choosing myself. Any attempts at changing myself are just based on myself as well.
>On anything you want.
So can I choose to be charismatic, smart, confident, or do you just mean anything as in the things already existing in myself? The things that define me, that I cannot control independently of them?
>None of this makes it a non-choice.
It's the illusion of a choice. Free will itself is an oxymoron, since the will is built on experience and the world and for it to be truly free, it would have to be independent of everything and thus would not exist.

>>36444545

Hit me with it

origano

>>36444422
I have no idea
really
what I can do is trying to think what my internet friends are like, but that doesn't work for IRL
for start, we have at least one thing we like in common, if more it's better
ok I don't know more.
just
dunno

>>36444491
>>36444545

So, in my family, when I was a kid, we ate at the exact same time every day, unless my parents decided otherwise. We had the same bed time, everything was done on time. No mystery about anything. Rules were clear and enforced; failure to follow the rules led to being shouted at, threatened, and occasionally physically hurt.

No food or drinks allowed on the floor where we had our bedrooms. No more than one movie per day; obligation to spend time outside whenever any parent decided it was time to.

I realise most of the rules were about making sure we wouldn't bother our parents much, sadly.

I'd suggest you organise yourself with regards to what you want and aim for.

Any ideas?

>>36444553
>I never had a choice in choosing myself.

Can you prove that?

>that I cannot control independently of them?

You can, but some may take time and practice to be obtained.

>It's the illusion of a choice.

You want to think there's no free will of any kind so that you don't feel too bad when you choose the thing you know you shouldn't choose, and when you avoid the choice you should make, because it's too hard, you think.

In short: you're looking for excuses, and the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can make a real change.

Dan, you need to talk to this guy; he speaks just like you from a year ago.

>>36444574

I'm going to ask you to be more precise. Make a list of qualities your ideal friend would have.

Go crazy!

>>36444605

That sounds like something from a movie. It's been the complete opposite for me. No curfews, eat whenever you want wherever you want, we had/still have dinner like once a month. I want and aim for nothing sadly, but I'll try and recollect myself once this horrible mood passes.

Gem from the past: is it normal for a kid of 7 or 8 to get up on his own, make his own breakfast, and go to school alone?

My mother trained me to go along as early as 5. I had to walk across a whole village.

When asked, she lied and said it was from later on, but I remember being pushed down into a river at one point, and that bus stop I only went to when I was 5, and I had gone alone, and now I know she will lie about the past.

So, is that normal?

>>36444379
>Histrionic Personality Disorder

That sounds very, very much like her. I'd also like to add that she believed she was psychic and could do readings on people. Once, after we had sex, she tried to convince me was communicating with my dead grandmother. She did two readings on me and they were always off, but I lied to her and told her otherwise. She would always be in tears during/after the reading.

She also had "visions" while trying to sleep or in a quite room. She would say that God and spirits would tell her to do something like shave her pubic hair or organize her room a certain way. Sometimes, she would describe meeting people and say that she would see an aura of energy around them, or could sense their energy from across the room.

I know, there's clearly something wrong but there was something exceedingly alluring about her. The worst part is that I still think about her everyday. I think about how many people she's fucked since I left 3 months ago, and whether or not she has hooked up with her male roommate yet (for the second time, but different male roommate).

Before I sent her apartment keys back, I came all over them and let them dry over night. Perhaps I am just as crazy as she is.

>>36444729

Sounds like we had both extremities of the same bullshit. Too many pointless rules is bad, no rules is bad as well.

How old are you?

>>36444776
>That sounds very, very much like her.

Bingo.

She may have more disorders than just HPD then. Damn...

>Before I sent her apartment keys back, I came all over them and let them dry over night

I wanted to make a joke but nothing comes except: "Well, it won't guarantee that you can come over."

>>36444744
>is it normal for a kid of 7 or 8 to get up on his own, make his own breakfast, and go to school alone?

Definitely not where I am from. I didn't do anything near like that until high school.

>>36444659
I don't know

>>36444744
I'm not sure when I started to do that stuff on my own, I remember that my mother had to go to work early so she used to wake me up and leave breakfast and clothes on the table.

maybe I was around 9 or maybe I'm mistaking

>>36444790

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm turning 24 in july.

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Hey, I'm back. These are pretty cool Ethan. This is what I got.

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This is it. I kinda was enjoyed by this test.

>>36444776
>The worst part is that I still think about her everyday. I think about how many people she's fucked since I left 3 months ago, and whether or not she has hooked up with her male roommate yet (for the second time, but different male roommate).
Shit like you're experiencing right now is the reason I have a restraining order against me and still think about my ex and check her fb from time to time 3 years later. It's a recipe for disaster.

>>36444861
I forgot to put my name on.

>>36444744
I did exactly that too. Not sure if it's normal per se but I don't really think it was wrong or anything. I lived in a very small quiet town, so there wasn't really any danger around

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>>36444843
>Definitely not where I am from. I didn't do anything near like that until high school.

>mfw

>>36444644
>Can you prove that?
No. I can't prove anything except cogito ergo sum, if you want to go down that path. Burden of proof lies on you in this matter any way, if you're looking to claim that there is some kind of outside-of-life choice for this stuff.
>You can, but some may take time and practice to be obtained.
Don't be ridiculous. How do you suppose a human would think outside of his own mind, his own brain, his body? Are you suggesting some kind of Cartesian mind-body dualism with a twist?
>You want to think there's no free will of any kind so that you don't feel too bad when you choose the thing you know you shouldn't choose, and when you avoid the choice you should make, because it's too hard, you think.
>In short: you're looking for excuses, and the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can make a real change.
Please stop projecting these juvenile ideas and schemas onto me, it's insulting, especially since I have offered nothing but objective attempts at argumentation and you resort to this knee-jerk reaction I've seen a hundred times so far.

>>36444861
>>36444874
These results are scary

>>36444915
Can you tell me why?

>>36444855
>I don't know

C'mon, you have to write a list of things you want in a friend. It doesn't have to be one word skills.

- ability to listen to me
- intelligence

etc.

Do it!

>I remember that my mother had to go to work early so she used to wake me up and leave breakfast and clothes on the table.

I always had some kind of alarm clock or alarm on my watch. Prepared breakfast on my own, cereal and milk.

>>36444856

No shame to be had. July is the month when I was born too. 28th.

>>36444915
How? What's so scary about being aggressive? I never actually hurt people.

>>36444885

It just shows our parents didn't give a fuck.

When I think about it, I'd get up just to see my little guy going to school, you know? Even if I didn't have to go myself. I'd not let my kid go to school without a hug from me and a few words.

To think I may never have children while these dysfunctional fucktards do, grrrr...

>>36444943
>>36444957
you can see from my results I'm not like you. It's weird to think there's other people who are extremely aggressive. I find it impossible to think like that. Not saying there's anything wrong with it of course, especially if, like you said, you don't actually hurt people

>>36444944
I'm trying to think, but nothing come to my mind

>>36444982
I've never really thought about having children. Obviously I'd have to adopt or have a surrogate or something.Thing is with how much I worry, the stress of having a kid would kill me. I'd be constantly wanting to know if they're alright (much like my parents, and I don't want to repeat their mistakes with my child)

>>36444897
>I can't prove anything except cogito ergo sum,

If you can prove that, please blow my mind.

>Burden of proof lies on you in this matter any way

You're the one claiming things. All I'm saying is we have a choice, just like choosing between 2 chairs. Anything beyond that is not very practical and doesn't get you very far, but it can be a great source of excuses, for sure.

>Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not, charisma can be developed.

>Please stop projecting these juvenile ideas and schemas onto me, it's insulting

I'm not projecting, you really do believe there's no choice of yours that would be your responsibility. If you think these ideas, of yours, are juvenile, then I suggest believing in other ideas.

>especially since I have offered nothing but objective attempts at argumentation and you resort to this knee-jerk reaction I've seen a hundred times so far.

It was no knee jerk reaction. The reaction of others is not my problem, either. I'm not "resorting" to anything, I'm just telling you what you're doing. You may like it or not but you can't dress it up as anything else.

I haven't seen "objective attempts" at argumentation from you, but I do see that you get mad very, very fast. If what I said wasn't the embarrassing truth, you wouldn't have gotten so upset, nor would you have thought that having heard the same thhing before allowed you to act like I was everyone else, which is not very objective a thing to do.

>>36444957
>I never actually hurt people.

That's bullshit and you know it.

I agree with Ethan: scary results. Spoopy spoopy.

>>36445030

Try this: how do you behave to someone you like?

>>36445074

You can learn to undo the damage done and be different. I'm doing that, though I may never have kids, which I hate to think of.

>>36444883
I'm grateful I moved across the country then. I literally lived less than 5 minutes walking distance from her.

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i dont remember a lot about childhood but i'll try:
1. i was very "imaginative" when i was a children, saw things in the dark, felt monsters nearby. just the normal stuff for a child. once i was hysteric because i thought i was seeing a death person outside my window i was so hysteric that my parents took me outside and left me there until i calmed down
2. the first time i masturbated my mom caught me and shouted "i know what you're doing, it's a sin"
3. there were a lot of rules about preparing things for next day's school in a certain order: the clothes, books and notebooks, assignments in a certain order etc (my mom is an organization and cleanliness freak)
4. i got hit by my parents only twice
apart from that there was a lot of affection all around
4. they pushed me a lot to socialize since i was very shy
5. practicing a sport was mandatory

i dont, maybe if you asked specific questions i would know what to share

>>36445146
I try a lot to show them how much I love them, usually through drawings, and I try to be there for anything they need if I can help
AND I MUST MAKE THEM HAPPY IF THEY ARE NOT, THEY MUST NOT BE SAD.

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Sounds about right. Oh well.

>>36445146
I hope so, I would like to have a kid in the future if I could actually cope with it.

Also, following the parents theme of this thread,I have a question: Do you think it's necessary keep a secure and stable relationship with your parents after you've become independent? I'm thinking about trying to do just that

>>36445124
Not physically, just slightly emotionally. Wait, does that count?

I'd probably state that the weirdest house rule that I had to deal with when I was younger was the mandatory three showers a day at the very least. I'm a big germaphobe at this point.

>>36445074
If you don't mind me asking, what's your sexual orientation?

>>36445212
It's not necessary to. But if you like your parents then it's nice to.

>>36445187
>when i was a children, saw things in the dark, felt monsters nearby. just the normal stuff for a child.

If you really SAW things, that ain't normal.

> i thought i was seeing a death person outside my window i was so hysteric that my parents took me outside and left me there until i calmed down

Dude, that's fucked up. That's absolutely fucking fucked up. Are your parents sadists? Mine are and they wouldn't have done that.

> the first time i masturbated my mom caught me and shouted "i know what you're doing, it's a sin"

I can argue that one forever, but damn. I had been given a wrong definition of what masturbation was, so I never knew I wasn't the only one doing it... until years after. I felt guilty and thought I had invented the damn thing.

>my mom is an organization and cleanliness freak)

OCD maybe.

>i dont, maybe if you asked specific questions i would know what to share

Did you have bed time stories?

>>36445225
It sure does. How do you hurt them?

>>36445257
I'm gay

original post please

>>36445270
I'm not really sure how I feel about them, it's just kind of neutral

What Ho chaps. Jolly spiffing spring weather we're having, what?

>>36445205

Why are you shouting?

Now, suppose someone does this to you. How do you react? Someone draws you lots of things and tries to be there for anything if you need help.

How do you feel about that?

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Raaaaaaaaaaaaahaha, feels good to stretch my legs. Anon doesn't let me out often enough. I'm not even a real person, technically speaking. I think I might just be a byproduct of too many manufactured surface personalities. I am everything that anon doesn't want to be. Savage. Brutal. Twisted. I want to do everything that anon says is bad and evil. Hehehehehe I want to kill myself, I want to kill my family, I want a mass genocide upon the human raceeeeeeeeeeaaaaahhh

I will be the period at the end of every story.

I'm just biding my time

>>36445106
>If you can prove that, please blow my mind.
I, as in me, (not you) think, therefore I am. My mind exists in some way or form and is experiencing things.
>Anything beyond that is not very practical and doesn't get you very far
I don't mind that at all. I enjoy introspection and thinking, regardless of its practicality. Though the enjoyment naturally adds a practical sense to it.
>I'm not, charisma can be developed.
That's not what I meant. I cannot do anything independently of my own mind. I am my own mind, or at least very much a part, or bound to it.
Any decisions I make, even ones to change myself, are based on myself as a being in the first place. If I decide to do something, I decide to do so because that's how my being reacts to some action.
>I'm not projecting, you really do believe there's no choice of yours that would be your responsibility.
Not projecting in the psychological term sense, but more in the sense of making assumptions of my schemas, thinking you know how I think and am.
>If you think these ideas, of yours, are juvenile, then I suggest believing in other ideas.
I think it's juvenile, or immature, to use the denial of free will as nothing else than a defense against responsibilities. I don't think like that, like I said earlier. I don't come up with complex ideas like this, test them in argumentation and intentionally provoke people to disprove them just for the sake of having some pathetic excuse for something I'm not even doing. As little choice, or responsibility as I truly have in the matter, I've been busy self-improving for a year now. Am I just making excuses for being better off than I've arguably ever been in my life?
>I'm just telling you what you're doing. You may like it or not but you can't dress it up as anything else.
You are a sadistic, child abductor who molests teenage girls on public transportation. I'm just telling you what you're doing. You may like or not, but you can't dress it up as anything else.

>>36445319
Careful on those edges old bean

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>>36445209

Oh lawd... We be burnin'.

>>36445283
I was right. I didn't want to assume, but there's a kind of femanine gentleness in your text.

>>36445295
Don't burn your bridges. They may be useful to keep friendly with.

Even if it's a phonecall once a month. They'll probably appreciate it and it'll go in your favour should you need them for anything

>>36445106
>but I do see that you get mad very, very fast
And what exactly are you basing this on? You have some serious preconceptions at work here if you think I am mad.
>If what I said wasn't the embarrassing truth, you wouldn't have gotten so upset, nor would you have thought that having heard the same thhing before allowed you to act like I was everyone else, which is not very objective a thing to do.
>allowed
Why would I not be allowed to act as I see fit? You are not the center of the universe, or an authority above me.

>>36445212
>I hope so, I would like to have a kid in the future if I could actually cope with it.

If you learn to chill and not worry so much, you'd be a great father.

>Do you think it's necessary keep a secure and stable relationship with your parents after you've become independent? I'm thinking about trying to do just that

No, it depends on the parents. If they make you feel bad, don't. I tried my best, but there are things nobody should accept.

I am not sure your parents gave you the love you needed.

>>36445319
No offense intended, but are you trolling? It's getting awfully difficult to tell these days...

>>36445364
Haha, I didn't think you'd be able to sense something like that in my posts. I do never swear in my posts though (nor irl). Fair enough, I'll take that as a compliment

>>36445225
>Not physically, just slightly emotionally. Wait, does that count?

It's worse. I'd much rather be slapped than emotionally abused. I'd also slap you back and then leave you for someone else who wasn't a fucking piece of shit, but you, that's just me and my healthy boundaries.

>>36445280
I'm going to link an emotional abuse list, then check off all of the things.

>>36445250
>the mandatory three showers a day at the very least. I'm a big germaphobe at this point.

In my house, we were only washed once a week, on Sunday.

Can you believe it?

>>36445314
I'M SHOUTING BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT

I'd want to cry and hug them forever

>>36445362
Scary results Nick. Do you need help?

>>36445434

The very thought of it makes me shake. I always assumed that it was just my mother's attempt to push her own issues onto me. Needless to say, it worked.

>>36445387
That's actually exactly the level of communication I'm at right now, I'll keep it that way for the time being

>>36445397
Yeah, I don't want to get to involved with them, I'll just keep it at the level it is now

>>36445279
>If you really SAW things, that ain't normal.
my doc says they were prodromic symptoms of schizophrenia
>Are your parents sadists?
my father was raised with a "man up" type of education, i guess he thought that would help me overcome my fears, obviously he had no idea how serious my visions were
>I felt guilty and thought I had invented the damn thing
kek that's pretty funny. i knew other people did it the moment she said "it's a sin" (how would she know it was a sin if no one has done it before) also she catched me by opening the door without notice
>OCD maybe.
my past doc was sure she had ocd. i personally believe she is obsessive but not obsessive compulsive. i dont think she has catastrophic ideas about what would happen if things arent clean or organized
>Did you have bed time stories?
im the youngest of 3 brothers. she would put us to read at night to each other. sometimes adventure stories, sometimes spooky stories (we would choose the book)

>>36445295
>it's just kind of neutral

Huge red flag. You're the kind of person who manages to find love and concern for any and all people, including assholes, so to feel neutral about your own parents is a red flag about them.

Do they criticise you? What happens if you refuse to give them all the info they want? (I tried that on my parents, they flipped the fuck out.)

>>36445406
I've always been very conscious of deeper things. Just like little tags that indicate something more.

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>>36445319

What's your damage, friend?

>>36445468
I do love them, it's just that after a huge argument with my dad, we've been distant, and it's been awkward ever since. I'd love for us all to forget it and move on, but it's hard

>Do they criticise you?
Yes, they think I'm not making the most out of my life

>What happens if you refuse to give them all the info they want?
They get angry and start demanding I tell them. At that point I just stop talking to them again for a little bit

>>36445491
I know what you mean, I often get caught on little details

>>36445401
No. That guy burrowed into my brain some time ago. I shouldn't have let him post. None of that was manufactured. I'm going to leave now. I can't think about him without him popping back into my head. I have to keep him down.

Bye. Sorry for the interruption. Continue as you were.

>>36445331
>I, as in me, (not you) think, therefore I am. My mind exists in some way or form and is experiencing things.

You can prove it to yourself then, not to me. That's more experiencing than proving. You think, therefore you are. So plants aren't? And what are you thinking of?

>If I decide to do something, I decide to do so because that's how my being reacts to some action.

So do you think yourself not free?

>thinking you know how I think and am.

Based on what you say, yes.

>You are a sadistic, child abductor who molests teenage girls on public transportation. I'm just telling you what you're doing. You may like or not, but you can't dress it up as anything else.

The difference is that you are speaking about personal responsibility and the rest, while I'm not being a sadist to anyone (unless you are suffering from my words, but even then, I don't enjoy it), and I'm on no public transportation.

I also question the taste of making such comparisons in a thread where many have suffered literal child abuse and molestation. You must not be very empathic or thoughtful to come up with examples like this in a thread like that.

So what's your point about there being a choice or not?

Here's a link:
http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

It's not a test, just a list of emotionally abusive behavior. I got 24/30. I'm trying to do better.

>>36445575
It's pretty cool how we can do that as people. We just take little hints, and see something deeper with more meaning than before.

>>36445391
>And what exactly are you basing this on? You have some serious preconceptions at work here if you think I am mad.

Trust me, it was more obvious than you thought.

>Why would I not be allowed to act as I see fit?

Because talking to someone as if they had any responsibility in what others said to you before is a form of logical fallacy. I'm not responsible for what anyone else said, so it doesn't make sense to tell me about what others said as if I was somehow responsible for them because I said the same thing.

>You are not the center of the universe, or an authority above me.

I don't need to be the center of the universe to point out that other people aren't me and that when you speak to me you shouldn't act like other people speak for me. It's quite simple.

If you think expecting basic respect is "being the center of the universe", you need to reconsider your prespective.

>or an authority above me.

You certainly feel threatened.

>>36445412
>but you,
But you know*

hi, intense anxiety all day. Drank alcohol and it lifted immediately, asked my friends if they wanted to hang out (usually other way around) but all they said was "if youre drinking today dont bother coming" i feel so fucking angry and i need to vent it somewherer

>>36445447

They're yours.

(In case you weren't kidding, which you probably were.)

>>36445453

She may not have done it on purpose, but she did it. Most do.

So I've read a lot of your threads but never contributed to one but here we go

We had a lot of rules i was the oldest so my parents were really strict
We had a lot of stupid rules, like:
> not allowed to meet friends unless you notify parents at least 3 days beforehand even if these friends lived in the same village
>wasnt allowed to color my hair till 18
>sooo many nights spent at dinner table because i didnt like the food and wouldn't finish it
> no getting out of bed at night, ever
>also so many occasions where my sisters and i got locked in the bathroom because one of us did smth "bad" and no one would confess u can imagine the fights we had in there

So many more but i repressed most of my memories from childhood whereas my one sis remembers everything

>>36445467
>she would put us to read at night to each other.

She didn't like spending time with you?

>>36445728

I don't know if it was accidental, Nick. She was always a rather cold woman. The term 'mother' means less of a caring, loving woman and more of a caretaker. I mean, I wasn't the best kid, but I didn't really get much of a social life because of her. Maybe it was a way of coping, or something.

>>36445491
>I've always been very conscious of deeper things. Just like little tags that indicate something more.

Allow me to translate.

>I've always been very conscious of people's weaknesses that I can use to my own ends.

>Just like little tags that indicate what sort of breaches exactly.

Can't fool me.

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>>36445753
>She didn't like spending time with you?
she did, she was right there with us while we read to each other. i think she just wanted to give us an edge education wise, make us better at reading
my father was absent most of my childhood. he's a doctor so he was almost always on the hospital and when he got home he was too tired to spend time with us

Very few of them.
1 hour on the computer for weekdays and 2 for weekends.
No sweets before main meals.
I didn't need supervision as far as schoolwork and homework because I was obsessive with school most of the time and when I wasn't I didn't need anything more than light encouragement.
Parents were very over-protective about keeping me in warm clothes and things generaly assossiated with ''getting a cold''. (very sicklly kid) More restictive about how late I could stay out with my friends and how far away from the house I could go. I never really challanged that.

>>36445771
Can you elaborate? What are the commandments?

>>36445553
>I do love them, it's just that after a huge argument with my dad, we've been distant, and it's been awkward ever since. I'd love for us all to forget it and move on, but it's hard

I doubt it's possible. I doubt your parents are loving much. They may act like it, but I doubt it.

>Yes, they think I'm not making the most out of my life

Do they care about your happiness at all?

>They get angry and start demanding I tell them. At that point I just stop talking to them again for a little bit

My parents also get angry, as if I owed it to them.

Last time, I was clear and held my ground, calmly. They were disturbed as fuck. My father started giving me speeches on the importance of communication in a family (this, coming from a man who would monopolise every conversation for decades in our family, I thought was just too much).

Ethan, I think your parents may not correspond to the image you have of them, even though you instinctively know what's up.

>>36445710
Vent away. Have you behaved inappropriately while drunk in front of them before?

>>36445588

You should stay, if you're not faking DID, we'd really want to have you around.

>>36445609
>You can prove it to yourself then, not to me.
Yes, that's exactly what cogito ergo sum is and nothing else can be absolutely proven.
>That's more experiencing .
The fact that I am experiencing is proof that there is something in existence that is experiencing and from my point of view that is I.
>So plants aren't?
Plants, as a part of the experience are, certainly, but whether or not they actually physically exist I cannot prove.
>And what are you thinking of?
I gotta pee.
>So do you think yourself not free?
Yes. I am not truly free.
>You must not be very empathic or thoughtful to come up with examples like this in a thread like that.
Weak, easily ignored empathy. Especially so online.
>your point about there being a choice or not?
That humans don't have a choice in what kind of people they truly are. Even if they make a seemingly conscious effort at changing, they are not changing their true, core being, but simply acting in accordance to it.
>it was more obvious than you thought.
Well, then do tell me what about it was obvious. I'm quite interested in why you think so.
>so it doesn't make sense to tell me about what others said as if I was somehow responsible for them because I said the same thing.
I was not being clear then, I simply meant that I've seen it so many times, it's stopped being interesting, funny, aggravating and mostly just disappoints me at this point.
>If you think expecting basic respect is "being the center of the universe"
I do not expect basic respect from anyone. I am glad to receive it and I will extend it to most people I meet IRL, but I do not assume it. That is not what I meant, either. I'm specifically talking about your choice of words, of ALLOWED. You are in no position to ALLOW me anything, but it's quite likely I'm simply reading too much into this. A bad habit of mine, I'll admit.
>You certainly feel threatened.
Oh please. These are the preconceptions and assumptions I mentioned earlier.

>>36445867
>Do they care about your happiness at all?
I like to think so, but in all honesty I don't know

>>36445616
>I got 24/30. I'm trying to do better.

Meaning, you did 24 of these things to your partner, right?

>better

Meaning doing less or doing all 30 of these things?

>>36445747
I'm assuming you're female? Did these rules result in any distress for you?

>>36445680
>prespective.

Perspective. Still using a shit keyboard.

>>36445710

Vent away.

What caused the anxiety?

Did you miss my post or just not know what to say?
>>36445437

If the latter then ask other stuff, if it's not a nuisance.
also I'm at my brother's place, with some of his friends so I might take a little more to answer.

>>36445952
I FORGOT TO SAY PLEASE

>>36445747
>So I've read a lot of your threads but never contributed to one but here we go

Glad to see your words!

Sounds like an eventful past.

Do you and your sisters have issues now?

Do you know what your parents' issues were/are?

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Childhood was relatively normal besides my parents having an extremely tense marriage that i didnt recognise as abnormal til years later.
Doesnt help that now that i think of it, most of my close friends through childhood cane from split or rather weird homes.
I dont really know why i never gave any deeper thought to my older brothers stint in a mental hospice and house arrest.
It just seemed like a normal thing people go through.

>>36445771
>I believe in my personal god

Who'd that be?

>>36445785

Mother should mean caring and loving, because caring for a child, emotionally, is just as important as getting the kid food and shelter. Less damage from being homeless and hungry than having a cold mother. I had that kind too.

>>36445844
Interesting that you deleted your post. There's no need to do that, but feel free to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

>>36446015

Though she did manage to assist me getting a good job, I doubt 'all work and no play' works all too well. I'm sure if I were more prone to guilt, talking shit about my mother would spark me.

>>36445821
>when he got home he was too tired to spend time with us

Can you imagine being too tired for your own kids?

I can't.

I'm never too tired for a piece of chocolate in the fridge. No excuses is my approach to parents now.

Here's a quandary for you:
I'm no longer allowed to wear headphones in the office, apparently it's too isolating. Consequently my quality of work has suffered as I find them helpful.

WAT DO?

>>36445952
Dram, if you're willing to explain your situation to me, I'll be able to respond rather quickly.

>>36445796
Allow me to translare.
>When I read a fucking book I can figure out the symbolism of an object or idea.
>When talking to someone, I can figure out things about them (like Ethan being gay) without having to ask them.

You're too assuming Nick. You try the hit or miss technique, but you don't leave consider a possibility of being wrong. It comes across as arrogance. (I'm pretty sure you don't me for it to seem this way, but it does.) You're also arrogant, because you give yourself a sense of sainthood (unless it's a joke, but even then you may be protecting your ego), but would probably deny it. This isn't an attack, and I'm sorry if I've effected you in a negative way, but these are just some of the things I've noticed.

>>36446066
Find a new job or a new way to self-simulate . Or raise the issue with an appropriate authority

>>36446097
I need to start proof reading, because this is filled with mistakes.

>>36446105
*self-stimulate

>>36445872
sometimes, but so have they. it's nothing unusual. we only only hang out when I have been drinking because I don't like people when I am sober.
>>36445943
no clue man I woke up with it

Hey, I had another thing last/this morning (like 3am), I'm sorry I can't remember much but I think I cried myself into exhaustion and passed out

>>36446129
If that's really what you want to do, but I invite you to consider the fact that you posted for a reason. There's nothing to fear.

Hey Nick, I'm the guy in the end from thread #11, talking about my use of amphetamines and benzos. Haven't posted since, I'm happily surprised your threads are doing so well.

I'm back at it again after taking a small break, mainly just using the caffeine Jew as a sub for the amphetamine. Actually going to stop for a while though. All stims in general.

From what I remember by looking at the archives a few days ago, we left off where you asked me why I'm taking these and that we'll talk again soon

>>36446159
Can you go into detail about what precipitated this?

>>36446138
What do you dislike about them and how strong is the feeling?

>>36446085
I'm just trying to force a conversation here I think
If you want to know more about my problems and stuff, please read the archive

>>36445888
>I gotta pee.

I see the level you want to take this to. You'll do it alone. First you complain that the conversation isn't sophisticated enough for you, but as soon as I bring up the classic response to Cartesian thought, all you can say is "I gotta pee." Won't fault me for trying.

>Weak, easily ignored empathy. Especially so online.

That doesn't make any sense. The point remain: you are in very poor taste here.

>That humans don't have a choice in what kind of people they truly are.

So it is what I told you you were saying. Not sure why you were trying to deny it.

>, I simply meant that I've seen it so many times, it's stopped being interesting, funny, aggravating and mostly just disappoints me at this point.

Let's be clear: I don't give a fuck about being interesting to you, or funny, or aggravating, or even disappointing. I'm not here to entertain your arrogant ass. I can tell that "center of the world" thing was pure projection now.

>I do not expect basic respect from anyone.

I do, and I give it as well. Without that, why bother.

>I'm specifically talking about your choice of words, of ALLOWED. You are in no position to ALLOW me anything

In this case, it was logic that didn't allow you to act as if other people spoke for me, or to act like you could respond to them while addressing me.

Why I would imagine having any kind of executive power over you, I have no idea, but I'll assume that's another projection of yours.

>Oh please. These are the preconceptions and assumptions I mentioned earlier.

See the above comment. Your reactions are very defensive, you feel attacked.

I'm warning you that my patience is growing thin with you.

>>36446189
I couldn't sleep (it was worse than usual) and all those feelings about being jealous of my parents just boiled over, I don't know what exactly set it off but it did and I just started crying and couldn't stop, I don't remember much of anything and don't even remember calming down or anything
Sorry it's not much to go in but it's all I got

>>36445895
>I like to think so, but in all honesty I don't know

They don't. Did they ever apologise to you for anything?

>>36445952

Can you imagine other ways to convey your appreciation for someone?

>>36446235
That's unpleasant. Sorry to inform you I will not be doing that. Act in a more mature manner and you'll have better results.

>>36446066

Ask your boss if you're there to chat with other people or do your job.

>>36446272
>Did they ever apologise to you for anything?

If you mean apologise for the past, no, not at all. I don't think they'd keep asking how I'm doing in life and saying I'm not acting to my full potential if they didn't at least love me enough to want me to succeed

>>36446254
Jealousy of possessions or characteristics?

>>36446326
I guess possession? I'm jealous of her having my dad and their relationship

>>36446365
Would you view your father or someone similar to him as an ideal mate?

>>36446418
I've already said I'm in love with him, he knows, my mom knows
But when I told him they were still divorced, fast forward a few months and we've moved back in with my mom

>>36446105
>>36446132
Misunderstood the purpose of the headphones.

>>36446097

Yeah, it was a joke. But I'm glad to see a strong reaction from you.

I think you "figured" that Ethan was gay because it was mentioned in previous threads and you probably registered the info without thinking of it. I mentioned his boyfriend frequently. Being nice and caring like Ethan is isn't especially homosexual.

>You try the hit or miss technique,

In that case, I was mostly making a joke about your predatory ways. The rest of the time, I do try to find out things, but it's not "hit or miss" techniques, which would assume my purpose is to convince because of my skills, like I'm doing a cold reading or something.

> but you don't leave consider a possibility of being wrong.

I do. You can read the archives and you'll find me admitting to being wrong when I am.

>It comes across as arrogance.

What, making a joke you didn't like? Considering what I try to guess is about people's personal lives, I don't see how I could tell them I'm right over them about their past or parents. It doesn't work that way.

>You're also arrogant, because you give yourself a sense of sainthood

I wonder what kind of saint would speak of his own massive sin. I have no idea what you're referring to with the sainthood stuff, nor do I see how sainthood jokes protect my ego.

>but would probably deny it

Let me get this straight:

1. it's not a joke and then clearly I'm some arrogant wannabe saint faggot, or

2. it was really jokes and shit, but then it's still the same thing as number 1 and I'm still doing it for ego reasons, and

3. any denial of 1 and 2 prove 1 and 2

All right! Heads you win and tail I lose.

>This isn't an attack, and I'm sorry if I've effected you in a negative way, but these are just some of the things I've noticed.

It's fine, Eh, as long as you can take my non-defensive response to your non-attack.

>>36446159

We really need to work on that crying deal, Zoid.

What goes through your mind when you cry?

>>36446272
well, a girl did made a drawing for me, and in response I told her a million times how much I like it and her and also made a drawing for her myself.

>>36446294
what do you want?
I've been posting here for like three days, and it's just me saying some random stuff about myself and how I feel and posting tests results, I don't have much more to say and just want to talk right now, that's why I asked nick to ask me stuff, if it's alright for him.

>>36446476
Do you think they moved back in to help you move on?

>>36446476
What do you love about him? Have you been in other relationships/been in love with anyone else?

>>36446178

So why are you taking these?

>>36446311
>I don't think they'd keep asking how I'm doing in life and saying I'm not acting to my full potential if they didn't at least love me enough to want me to succeed

Loving parents want to make sure you're happy, not that you're "acting to your full potential," you aren't a race horse. Narc parents tend to think of their children as extensions of themselves. They want you to succeed for their own ego. Don't confuse that with love.

>>36446418

Meta, Zoid wants a sexua and romantic relationship with her father, which she attempted and he declined. That is why she is jealous.

>>36446476
>I've already said I'm in love with him,

You said that to me, but Meta didn't automatically know. I don't pass your file around.

>>36446544
I want nothing. I gave you an opportunity to talk as much as you want and you rejected it out of self-centeredness. The world isn't going to bow to your whims and neither will the people itt.

>>36446544

He was merely telling you to talk to him, instead of sending him looking for your words in the archives. That's all.

Can you try to make the list of what you'd like in a friend, or even a lover?

>>36446097
don't you think you knew that guy was gay cause he said he needed to adopt in the post you're quoting? I know there's people who are infertile and shit like that, but the first assumption would be he's gay right?

>>36446582
>They want you to succeed for their own ego

I was scared you'd say that. I really don't want to believe it, but it's looking like it's probably true

>>36446529
I don't know, I feel like all the emotions come through, then I cry with an empty head, calm down for a second, everything comes flooding back, and so on
>>36446558
No they got back together, I only found out a few weeks ago that even after the divorce they were still seeing each other but didn't tell me to avoid drama. Guess it was meant to be
>>36446572
He's a great guy, funny, smart, kind, loving, tries his best to be out going
And before I told him, no I had never been in a relationship, but since I found a guy I like and have been spending time with, I even had my first kiss a few months back

If I reply to you in one of these threads, I do so out of consideration for Nick's sanity and, luck permitting, to help alleviate suffering in the rest of you. However, I will not heed requests to dig through archives for your backstory. If you aren't prepared to reanswer some questions, kindly inform me upfront so no time is squandered.

>>36446662

Well spotted.

>>36446685

I think so. If your success is more important than your happiness, it's nothing else but that. I think Ethan's parents (your parents, if you're Ethan) are toxic and quite possibly narcs.

>>36446698
Have you tried talking with them about your feelings since you moved back in?

>>36446508
Okay, so they were jokes. I just noticed that every time we took some test like the dark triad, you would make some comment about being innocent. I was just wondering if it was a joke, or if you actually believed that you were some sort of saint. Most of the time you make jokes about my aggressive and "predatory" ways, it doesn't come across as one. Well, I'm glad I confirmed it.

>>36446698

What do you think would happen if your father agreed to a relationship with you?

>>36446720

Meta favours the no bullshit approach. I like it. You're doing great in this thread.

Thanks for helping.

Don't be upset, Dram, Meta has a point, you can't both ask to be asked questions, and then, when asked, redirect them to the archives. I hope you aren't upset.

>>36446730
What do they even gain out of me succeeding though? Why does it make them feel good? My life has nothing to do with theirs, so I don't get it

>>36446772
P.s. I'm pretty sure that this is why trolls call you narcissistic. You joke about being just a good person it seems like bragging, but I now know that this is not the case.

>>36445987
>eventful past
Yeah it was
I have 2 biological sisters one 2 years (nina) and one 8 years younger (maja) but when i was a kid my parents also cared for two foster sisters that were quite mentally disabled so my mom would give my sis and i away to a nanny during the day and care for the foster kids,but we only had them 4 years then they were taken away from us
My dad was always working but still expect everything to go his way

>do we have issues
My sister nina is now 19 and diagnosed with borderline and anorexia, she tried to kill herself twice

Im diagnosed with dysthymia and major depression but idk
The youngest one is 13 but shes in therapy too and scared of everything

>parents issues
My mom got raped by her uncle a lot when she was a kid and she said she stayed w my dad because of fear and cuz he reminded her of her dad n uncle i guess
She divorced my dad 2 years ago and he was just a real fucking arse the whole time he actually tried to convince her to separate but continue living w him in their house (which they sold after the divorce) and hed find someone else to fuck
Ofc she said no

Mom says dad's a narcissist idk hes a therapist so go figure he refused to go to couples counseling or get therapy for himself

>>36446634
>>36446653
sorry maybe I misunderstood what you were saying,
it's hard for me to just talk, that's why I ask for questions.
fuck now I feel like shit.

isn't that the same question as before?
I don't know what I'm looking for in a friend, but I know that I'm not looking for a lover,
I had a gf, the only girl I have ever loved (been thinking about her for years when we were in different schools), she wanted to be my gf, but it was giving me so much fucking anxiety I didn't want to check the phone for fear that she might have sent me a text.
And the I did the worst thing in the world, I disappeared, stopped answering to her text and the group chat we were both in.

Now I don't want to be in a relationship anymore.

>>36446582

Mainly to feel happy and social. Secondly for productivity.

There's this girl that I'd take stims spesifically when I have a meeting with just to be more fun around and make up for insecurities. But looking back it seems like that just increased my peranoia in a general way. I figure she's another reason worth mentioning.

>>36446772
>Okay, so they were jokes. I just noticed that every time we took some test like the dark triad, you would make some comment about being innocent.

Oh, that.

>I was just wondering if it was a joke, or if you actually believed that you were some sort of saint.

Compared to you, yes, but that means nothing, and "saint" isn't the term I'd use. I mostly made jokes about you and Facet and Dan and others being Dark Lords, Sith Lords, and etc, more than me being a saint. Besides, my "nice" results are something I understand more to be on the side of being "naive" and assuming other people are nice when they aren't.

I have referred to myself as a saint in correspondence with Facet, but it was as "Saint Idiot Fucktard," emphasising my former inability to imagine people like existing and thinking the way you do.

> Most of the time you make jokes about my aggressive and "predatory" ways, it doesn't come across as one

It may not always have been jokes. When I think of you abusing your girlfriend, I'm not kidding. I resent your behaviour very much and it makes me wrathful to think about it. As you've noticed, I feel protective of people who aren't predators, and nothing pisses me off more than abuse on people who can't or won't defend themselves.

Just started remembering the whole knocking thing and realized that everyone in my family doesn't knock.
The only one that does at all is my mom. My dad actually gets upset at me when I lock my door.
On a semi-related note, I started masturbating when I was 6. My first fantasy involved me doing something to a woman, tied to a cobblestone bloc in a dugeon.

>>36446888
Like I said before, I'm trying to be a better boyfriend and person.

>>36446791
>What do they even gain out of me succeeding though? Why does it make them feel good? My life has nothing to do with theirs, so I don't get it

To narcs, their kid is like a hand, a project, a pet. If you do well, they'll think they did a great job of raising you. They get "supply" from it, something to flatter their false selves, their fake ego, which they need to feed as much as they need food, otherwise the whole illusion crumbles and it's worse than death to a narc.

Your life, in their eyes, will always have everything to do with them, since they're your parents. My mother's current last words to me were, "I am and will always remain your mother," to insist on a technicality which means nothing, at bottom. (I responded with, "One cannot remain what one has never been.")

I hope that makes sense.

>>36446248
>First you complain that the conversation isn't sophisticated enough for you,
I never spoke of sophistication.
>but as soon as I bring up the classic response to Cartesian thought, all you can say is "I gotta pee." Won't fault me for trying.
Pardon me, I was unaware of the meaning behind the question. I quite simply had to pee at that moment and that was the first think I could think of as you asked the question.
>That doesn't make any sense.
I feel empathy, but it is very slight and I have no issue disregarding it if I want to.
>The point remain: you are in very poor taste here.
True.
>So it is what I told you you were saying. Not sure why you were trying to deny it.
What you were saying was that I am using these thoughts as an excuse for bad decisions, which I do not and never have done. I live my life mostly as if I had free will, because that is what "I" deem best for myself in the long run.
>Let's be clear: I don't give a fuck about being interesting to you, or funny, or aggravating, or even disappointing.
I wouldn't expect you to, but seeing as I'm not here seeking for acceptance, I see no reason not to write it out to correct a misunderstanding.
>I'm not responsible for what anyone else said, so it doesn't make sense to tell me about what others said as if I was somehow responsible for them because I said the same thing.

>>36446817

Not sure I'm following: you be sayin', you be sayin' that people don't get that I'm not literal sometimes?

I remember posting lots of Clarice pictures, yes, but saintly stuff, no. I post my Dark Triad results to show perspective, and also under the premise that people will like to know my intentions are good, but not because I think it makes me a saint. I've freely admitted to my own sins and have never attempted to hide that, while many would have.

I also sound like an angry dick sometimes, and made no attempts to hide that or pretend it was anything else.

>>36446946
I definitely understand more now, I kind of understand parents wanting their child to do well so they can be proud of them and their child can have a good life, but I suppose it can be taken too far

>>36446248
>I can tell that "center of the world" thing was pure projection now.
Actually, I just have slight authority issues and the world "allowed" triggered me into overthinking. Combine that with your parents and I just wanted to poke at it and find out if there's any narcissistic mindsets there. I would never use the word "allowed" in that context, especially when talking about behaving in a certain way. That part is projecting indeed. A mixture of libertarian and egoistic mindsets, I would say. Also me just letting my views flood out openly, without control. Certain to cause conflict.
>Without that, why bother.
Why not? People act the same regardless of if you expect it or not, so long as you don't show it.
>In this case, it was logic that didn't allow you to act as if other people spoke for me, or to act like you could respond to them while addressing me.
As I said earlier, I was using it to emphasize and explain my reaction. I see the same reaction from people, the same incorrect assumptions, over and over again and it gets very much tiring.
>Why I would imagine having any kind of executive power over you, I have no idea, but I'll assume that's another projection of yours.
Overthinking. Provocation, rather. Guess you could call it projection, in a way, but not really in the psychological term, since I do not think like that.
>Your reactions are very defensive, you feel attacked.
Yes, naturally. You've made multiple utterly incorrect claims about me, the way I think and live and I feel insulted over it. By claiming that I'm using my musings, ideas that I've built since childhood as nothing but excuses for bad decisions, you're insulting me at a notable level. Getting defensive about it is to me a far more civilized method than telling you to fuck off with your aggravating bullshit and to stop assuming these pathetically juvenile things of me, which I've now done.

Evening, all. Quite a trying day. My gf's mother is in hospital. On the advisement of my therapist I was doing my best to be supportive but it was all about saying and appearing the right way. Really tiring and I probably wasn't all that convincing either. Tried to play it off as stoicism.

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>>36446105
I've taken up doodling. But it's not productive really except when I'm trying to think.