/cripplingdepression/ general

>>36430560
the one thing keeping me sane is being pulled out from under me
i need someone but there's nobody
i wish i could become an unthinking shell

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In four weeks, the thing that is steadily draining my will to live be over. If it goes well I will be the happiest I have ever been in my life. If it doesn't, I am done, I am just fucking done.

>>36430560
are you a boy
orgi

>>36430612
I know I'm going to regret asking but what is that "thing"?

>>36430597
Does anyone know how you feel irl?

>>36430612
School?

>>36430625
yeah sorry

>>36430668
no
i'm all alone
the one irl friend i had abandoned me
i wish he would come back

>>36430689
why did he abandon you?

>>3643075
he doesn't like someone i got involved with online
he couldn't let it go
he's the only person i can think of i need him

>>36430735
>>36430776
fuck, whoops, my bad

>try and starve yourself
>3 days in and ate 4 slices of pizza
fuck

>>36430776
Who was this person? Was he jealous or upset? Do you still talk to this online person?

>>36430966
a friend who i met online and now goes to uni in the same city as i do
i think he was jealous, i don't really know
they can't talk to me because they recently became homeless
i cant help them i wish i could

>>36431038
well thats really shitty and petty of him
have you told him how that makes you feel?

>emailed my psychiatrist nearly 2 weeks ago regarding an important medication matter
>still haven't heard back from her and things are getting bad again
>can't make an in-person appointment because I'm out of town in uni, and she doesn't have a phone number where i can reach her directly
Feels pretty bad. The issue is that i began a new medication over break when i was home, and ive been taking the same dose since then. I need to increase it but i can't unless she gives the ok and writes the prescription. I'm pissed because she has had plenty of time to at least reply to me, but she hasn't yet

>>36431083
i don't blame him
people feel like that sometimes i can't force him to be my friend
i just wish he would come back

>>36431125
You cant, but maybe you could try meeting other friends?

>>36431105
Get your pharmacy to call them, they can almost always get a number.
Or just spam a number that you can reach her at even if its not direct. Keep trying to contact them basically

Would it be discourteous to kill self on my birthday?

>>36431164
i think it's too late to make new friends
i'm broken and everyone around here is a normie

>>36431173
Kill yourself in a place no one will ever look so they think you ran away. Don't be a bitch and tell someone or leave a stupid clue either.

>>36431173
i dont know if theres ever a courteous time to kill oneself
i know i talk about him a lot, but thats when my best friend killed himself.

>>36431198
Broken how?

>>36430560
I just realized something.

"Please don't kill yourself because you'll hurt the friends and family you'll leave behind."

What if I have none who cares?

Really makes me want to not think anymore.

Goodbye.

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I showed my power level on accident a little while ago. Typing this to share my feelings might make me feel better, but I dont have high hopes.

>>36431226
i'm a depressed autist with no idea how to hold a conversation and is scared of people
someone like that can't make friends

>>36431227
Goodbye anon, I care about you even if i dont know you

>>36431262
what habbened?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eO-eAldJmA8

Depressing music?

I want to off myself and i'm looking for easyish ideas, anything is welcome

>>36431333
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmoPcLPdqLc
Artist and song title are appropriately named.

>>36431294
I disagree. It just means its a lot harder to make friends

>>36431333
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAn3JdtSrnY
this song always makes me feel a bit melancholy

>>36431342
Helium is the recommended way. Why do you wanna die anon?

>>36431412
the thought of meeting new people really terrifies me

>>36431450
understandable. do you have any ways to connect to people, like interests or hobbies?

>>36431412
Life has no meaning and I have nothing to live for

>>36431473
are you up for having things to live for?
And yeah life has no meaning sorry dude

>>36431333
Nothing, Nowhere

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6Vuc0V6Ftk

I wish it would stop
I know this is a lot
But sometimes I get caught
And confined in my mind
And I think about what it would feel like to die
Would my family forgive me where my body lie?

>tfw

>>36431468
i really don't know if i do any more
my time is spent either studying or in a mindless depressive haze
i know i need to break out but i dont think i can on my own

>>36431585
This makes me want to kill myself its so bad

>>36431594
How much more school do you have my dude?

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Waiting on le hash man.
I texted him at noon and he texted back immediately saying he was selling, so i said i was buying, and he hasent texted back.
Its 9:23.
I said i wouldent smoke weed on hitlers birthday, but the world is too fucked to not be high.
Also its raining, and i want to take a knife hit and wander the fields with the smell of life around me.
Also, 315 bench last week. At least one thing to be happy about

>>36431576
Yeah, any reason would be better than no reason at all. Maybe its just depression, but I haven't really enjoyed anything in years either.

>tfw fall for only friend
>she acts like she doesn't care about you which makes you like her more
>she never wants to do anything with you
>she doesn't like going outside because people drain her when you ask her
>Says she's going out with friends because she hasn't been out in a while
>Absolutely no friends outside of her
>Last time I left the house which wasn't for work was February

feels great lads what's death and where do I sign up ?

>>36431628
after this year i will have 2 more years of university
i think i will be okay if i survive that long
i just don't think i will

>>36431333
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUegJBEusoI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjPyvoLXPs4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ri5F633xSsY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wA_S8TlLu0

This is pretty depressing.

>>36431653
hey nice lifting
also maybe hes busy

>>36431659
You gotten any help for your depression?

>>36431668
Wew its probably time to find new friends my dude

>>36431674
You can do it anon, if i can you can believ eme

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Here are some quotes I've taken from several threads about depression and feelings

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>>36431298
Friend invited his coworker and her twin over.

>telling story about my dog.
>explain that my dog likes my dad but is scared of him
>he will bite if picked up but wants to get picked up
>end up imitating how dog would snap at him without thinkin bout it.

My brain is so scrambled I honestly dont remember what happened after. Probably the weed. It sounds worse than it is really, they said it was funny, but the fact they pointed it out just kills me.

Ive excused myself to my room, theyre all watching youtube weed videos on the couch. No room anywhere for me to sit anyway.

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Imago 2

>>36431767
Tried medication once, years back, didn't do shit. Tried talking to people, but i don't want to deal with seeing god knows how many therapists till i find one that can tell me anything slightly helpful and not some basic shit i always hear of. friend of friend's parents sent him to a therapist awhile back and the dude just told him to "take a year off and go to europe." so yeah, fuck that.

>>36431767
the worst thing is i know i can
the one thing stopping me from killing myself now is that i might be able to move to america and be with the person i care about when this is over
but now i dont know if theyll be there, so if not i'll buy a gun and end it
id rather just die now instead of suffering through the next two years

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Imago 3

>>36431767
>Wew its probably time to find new friends my dude
You're right but I have no hobbies that will introduce me to new people, I have no personality and people at work are just fake who only message me if they need a shift covered.

Suicide soon

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Imago 4

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Imago 5

>>36431868
Too much of a redpill can destroy the mind

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Imago 6

Does anyone else here get that feeling when they're not doing anything that they're not really there ? It's like when you're in a bath too long and the water goes cold and you're too lazy to get up and put the hot water back on so you just lie there looking at the ceiling if that makes sense. If that makes sense thats what I feel like mostly all of the time like somethings wrong you can feel everything going bad and feelings escaping you but you're too lazy to get up and pull the plug or fix it

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Imago 7

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Imago 8

>>36431805
>>36431820
>>36431842
>>36431868
>>36431893
>>36431966
>>36431984
super interesting, thank you for sharing

>>36431819
I think you're fine my dude, thats something normal people do all the time as well
they dont think any less of you for it

>>36431823
There are a lottt of meds, it took me a while to find the one i liked. Also I do understand the therapist thing.

>>36431831
But what if after two years you feel so much better?

>>36431862
any hobbies you might be interested in? Passing interests that could develop into something more?

>>36431972
>>36431972
Disassociation?

>>36431333
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvMI98wHa58
this and the entire album it's from man.

I'm into ambient music

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I could use a few of you.

hello. new server. need fags.

you know the drill.

https:

//disc

ord.gg/9

YjUa

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Imago 9

>>36432003
Meds just freak me out. I don't want to depend on pills to survive, what kind of life is that?

>>36432003
>Disassociation?
If thats what it's called then yeah. I seem to not care in the direction my life is going it feels like I'm watching my life go on but I'm not really in control or feeling anything

>>36431972
constantly
you put this feeling into words in a way i could not, thank you

>>36432003
i know i could, if it wasn't a possibility i'd go jump in front of the next train
i just wish i didnt have to wait to find out if things will be okay

>>36432003
>any hobbies you might be interested in? Passing interests that could develop into something more?
All i do is vidya, fishing/Hiking which i haven't done because winter and lifting which I just do in my house now. I stopped attending muay thai classes because I fucked my foot and didn't want to go back cause I was out so long

>>36432065
>constantly
>you put this feeling into words in a way i could not, thank you
Np senpai I have a lot of time to think about the best way to put this but it all just comes at 4am

Girl I've been talking to for like 2 and a half years feels like she's starting to slip away because she's changing and got exposed recently for the 2nd or 3rd time. I keep praying that I can be in her life but there's only so much I can do, I care about her more than a lover but a close complicated friend and seeing her slip away is really killing me.

>>36432027
lol discord advertising

>>36432039
kind of
how long have you felt like that?

>>36432103
Meet people thru the gym? Or maybe some sort of outdoorsing club?

>>36432065
well i hope you dont kill yourself anon

>>36432135
exposed?

>>36432150
Exposed = Sent nudes to someone, they threw them up on Instagram, social media, etc. But yea I'm trying to push through, it's just hard.

>>36432150
thanks, skeleton friend, you too
i know it wasn't directed at me but since i feel the same way as that anon this is the second time i've heard the term dissociation
i should look into that but i don't realy know where

>>36432150
>how long have you felt like that?
About 5 years to bh. I've accomplished nothing since I left school because I've lost all motivation and feelings towards anything. When I'm gonna suicide it'll be a time when I'm actually happy and not sad

>>36432175
oh wow thats super shitty of them. Fuck people who do that, should be jail time tee bee eich

>>36432189
Internet, psychologists, ect

>>36432199
You gotten any help?

>>36432175
>2nd or 3rd time
you're a stupid normie that is attracted to a legitimately dumb whore

>>36432256
More like emotionally confused, and the first 2 times happened before I met her.

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I don't know how to put my feelings into words. I feel a million things right now and none of them are good. I just don't know what to do. I don't even fit in on /r9k/ anymore

>>36432227
>You gotten any help?
Na I've been thinking about it though but I hate phoning up the doctors to make an appointment

>>36432150
>Meet people thru the gym? Or maybe some sort of outdoorsing club?
I have motivation for about 1 thing a day now and it usually just involves vidya even though I hardly play any matches just turn it on and look at the screen for about 14 hours a day

>>36431805
Middle quote is haunting

>>36431805
>2nd quote from the top
fuck i relate to that my made up memories start to blend in with actual memories and are usually more vivid

>>36432323
Damn what happened friend?

>>36432323
How long have you felt so mixed up?

>>36432329
it would be for the best to call though

>>36432350
I got you.
Thats a bunch of computer time. How much sleep do you get?

>>36432425
>it would be for the best to call though
I know it would but it means i'd also have to come out as fucked up to my parents and they already go at me for every failure or mishap I have. Also pretty sure I have gender dysphoria and I'd rather kill myself than go through with any of the liberal shit the (((doctors))) are gonna push on me with that

>>36432425
>I got you.
>Thats a bunch of computer time. How much sleep do you get?
Usually I sleep from about 5am to 2pm

If I fail my next drug test I could very well become homeless, depending on how badly my dad takes it.

If I do become homeless I'll probably just kill myself.

>>36432464
wew gender dysphoria can be really hard. My sympathies
Also you might want to get on a less nocturnal sleep cycle. It sounds cheesy but sunlight can really help moods. I find when i stay up too late too often i get worse

>>36432488
What are the chances of failing it?

>>36432488
Thats terrible mate, I don't know what to say. It's hard to get through situations like that when you've got no support.

>>36432538
Yeah and I can tell as soon as they figure out they'll hit out with the just be a girl anon you'll feel better. Na more like I'll feel like a waste of a person who's only purpose is to fulfill fat guys fetishes on the internet and die of a drug overdose. My sleeping pattern fixes on weekends but thats only cause I need to get up early for work but then it's back to 5 days straight of no contact except with my one friend

>>36432406
>>36432425
>Damn what happened friend?
>How long have you felt so mixed up?
I've been very alone for several years. I feel like I'm not a human on any level beyond physically. I don't know how to say things. There are a million thoughts I have in my head but I don't know where to begin or what to say or how to describe them.

>>36432538
Kind of a toss-up, in the past I've diluted my urine before and passed a test after having smoked quite a bit a few days prior. I'm in a similar boat now, two days out of a week-long off-and-on binge and I'm just going to keep chugging water until he decides to test me.

It's one of those shitty first check home tests so they're easily fooled, and apparently redness eye drops reduces detectable THC by 50% if you put 100mg/1 Liter in the sample. Thought it was bullshit until I looked up the study. I'm hoping that both diluting my urine and using eye drops will make me pass but I'm still really anxious about it.

>>36432553
Yeah. I'm really worried about potentially becoming homeless, granted I have a car and could just do deliveries or something enough to rent the cheapest apartment I can find, but it would make my life so much easier if I didn't have to do that and could still preserve my relationship with my father. Fucking awful feeling, particularly that I could have prevented it by just not smoking

>>36432586
Eh its not always encouraged. Sometimes people can work it out without transitioning like myself

>>36432611
You probably need a professional

>>36432659
*100ml, whoops

I never know what to say to people.
I pray that no one will talk to me at college.
I'm afraid to face my friends, in fear that I'll just disappoint them.
I don't know how I'll ever get a job after college and believe in myself enough to do the things I want to do.

>>36432670
>Eh its not always encouraged. Sometimes people can work it out without transitioning like myself
If they try it im gonna be straight out of there I've got other problems to want to fix without creating new ones
What did they say to you

>>36432659
If you were talking about something actually addicting I would feel so much more for you, but weed dude?

You're not depressed, you're lazy.

>>36432659
Do you think if you came clean to him he'd be more understanding?

>>36432708
So you're entering college right now?

>>36432714
You can talk to therapists and be like, hey im having this issue right now but i'd rather work on all my other mental issues first. No one is going to make you talk about something you dont wanna talk about
also i never spoke to anyone but one or two internet friends about it other than that its going to my grave

>>36432670
I don't know if I could see a professional. The thought of discussing something personal to someone non-anonymously terrifies me. Talking about myself if something I've never been able to do in any quantity, I feel like I am an unreliable narrator in my own mind and I could never say the truth

>>36432726
I am very depressed, that's why I smoke. I'm also a computer science student and I work my ass off.

That's 0/2 bud

>>36432786
>You can talk to therapists and be like, hey im having this issue right now but i'd rat...
To be fair it's probably the main cause of everything else so I'd like it fixed but fuck actually transitioning thats where the meme goes too far

>>36432793
They can help you work thru those issues, you arent expected to tell your life story on day one

>>36432827
why are you so against transitioning?

>>36432847
>why are you so against transitioning?
Because I don't want to admit to my family I'm fucked up it'll be like the final nail in the coffin for me. I seem to have grown up with the idea that asking for help or being out of the norm is wrong probably because any little thing I do wrong is scrutinized to an unbearable point and my mum seems to think she can shout my problems out of me. As well if i transition I'll never be an actual girl i'll never have proper kids of my own and I'll have little to no sexual value

>>36432786
I really doubt he'd be more understanding, he'd probably just throw me out. If he's in a good mood he's fine, but his anger is impressive

>>36432786
>so you're entering college right now?
No, I'm finishing up my second year at CC. Gonna switch to ASU after one or two more semesters to get my English degree that I have no idea what the fuck to do with.

>>36432896
So family issues is the big problem here. I can really relate to and understand your situation. Asking for help is super important, like being able to understand when you're in over your head and need a hand is a big part of being a fully realised human being. So without your family in the picture, wouldyou be comfortable with it?
>As well if i transition I'll never be an actual girl i'll never have proper kids of my own and I'll have little to no sexual value
you can save your sperm in banks, also lots of trans people have sexual value

>>36432902
whys he so against you smoking pot?

>>36432946
Gotcha. Well that is a scary time to be honest. I felt the same way. HAd a breakdown first semester. Didnt go so well

I've had on and off depression for about 6 months at a time since about 12 y/o.
When I was about 13 my GP told my parents I had depression but being 13 I thought that was a big conspiracy and depression is just a label they give to people who act weird.
Almost killed myself a few times a while ago and I don't think I'm better off for not having done it really.

So I'm 18, graduating high school this year. My older brother was murdered 6 months ago (but it feels like 2 weeks ago). I'm enrolled in engineering at a decently competitive university. I'm enrolled in the military reserves starting in the summer. I know lots of people but I have 1 friend but we're not that good of friends. That's the run-down. I haven't been depressed in over a year but recently I feel it coming on and its troubling just knowing what's coming. Given the events of the past while, I think if I get as bad as I've been before, I'll actually kill myself (which I don't want atm).

I'm worried, my people. I don't know how I feel really. I want to lay down in a field and never get up.

I just felt like writing this down even if nobody reads it.

>>36432611
Nice dubs but of course you're still human, you just haven't felt a connection in awhile and your emotions have dried up. You can talk to us about it though one thing at a time.

>>36432983
Don't worry we're here anon. It's okay to still feel grief about a dead relative, it's natural. The bright side is you have a lot of things to look forward to, you're about to graduate and enroll in a nice university and a nice military program that'll give you some discipline and experience.

>>36432963
>So family issues is the big problem here. I can really relate to an...
I probably still wouldn't be comfortable with it because I'll never actually be a girl no matter how hard I try to be. I think I've been in over my head since 2014 when I literally broke down in class cause my college lecturer asked me what was wrong as I wasn't turning up for class or doing assignments long story short dropped out while saying to her everything was fine and nothing was wrong she probably thinks I've killed myself by now and that was only the first time I dropped out of education because of this

I've said some cruel stuff to the people on here who are actually depressed.

I'm alone and really angry at myself

So sorry to all you if anyone was hurt, I am truly a terrible human

>>36433071
>I am truly a terrible human
No you're not hopefully the people realize that this is an anonymous image board and nothing said by people on it should be taken seriously

>>36432983
Thanks for sharing anon, i'm so sorry to hear about your brother.
Have you sought any help since that long time ago?

>>36433053
I think you really need professional help, if not for the trans thing but your other issues.

>>36433071
You arent a terrible human being. If you want to talk i'm here to listen

>>36432984
Don't worry, I still have some emotions, like anger, sadness, and that empty feeling.

>>36433149
>I think you really need professional help, if not for the trans thing but your other issues.
I probably do but I don't seem to have any energy, motivation or the ability to get it

>>36433191
At least you feel something, that's a start. Do you seek love or to have a relationship with someone?

>>36433261
i'd offer to help but that might be intrusive.
My advise is to take it one step at a time. One day look up a number, the next day make a call and ask, the next day or so schedule an appointment and so on. It doesnt all have to be at once

>>36433289
>i'd offer to help but that might be intrusive.
It's an anonymous online image board you can say anything you want to me and I'll tell you anything you ask
Tbf I've been looking up how to but I can never seem to get round to actually phoning up. I seem to have an attitude towards this like as if it's a joke of some sort like I'll look at a number and read a bit about it and then say haha fuck this normie shit and close the tab. All my friend says to me now when I tell her I'm sad is that i should get some help

>>36433344
Just make the call one day. Its easy to push awy like its a joke to protect oneself. ALso therapy isnt really for normies, normies have their shit together

>>36433279
Not really, no. I can't really express myself in any way in person, it just doesn't work. So I'm not a very interesting person to speak to and thus I have never spoken to a girl socially in my entire life. I think I want a gf but I know a gf would be bad because I'd have nothing to do with one, what I know I really want is the validation that I am a member of human society

>>36433382
>Just make the call one day
I'll probably do it soon I don't know what they're gonna ask when I phone them up though or if i get an appointment. The one thing stopping me is I don't want my family knowing about it

>>36433438
Welll good luck anon, i hope everything goes well

>>36433423
For starters get out of the house and become an active member of the community, try to leave a mark or at least connect with a few people and see where it leads too. In all honesty relationships are pretty difficult in these days and times where everyone wants to fuck someone behind their partner's back or disappear.

>>36433465
>Welll good luck anon, i hope everything goes well
thx senpai so do i

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Has any one else disappeared?
I moved cross country with my family and my only connection with the people I once knew was through social media and a few people who texted me but I've completely deleted everything and ghosted any texts I get.
It's such a strange feeling. I was already a shut in but now I don't exist and neither does the world.

>Got drunk and felt like a hopeless loser last year
>Ended up intentionally stabbing myself
>Had to get a blood transfusion, a bunch of stitches, and spent a week in the mental hospital
>Feeling kind of like that right now minus the drunk part

Please help guys, I'm scared.

>>36433638
It's cool anon, we're here for you. Take a couple deep breaths, acknowledge your feelings and relax. Overthinking things can lead to more pain than necessary so try to distract yourself with some anime or whatever else is positive for you.

>>36433638
thinik you might need to go to the ER before you hurt yourself? Ive had friends do that before if they're scared of doing something rash

>>36432896
>As well if i transition I'll never be an actual girl i'll never have proper kids of my own and I'll have little to no sexual value
God I fucking know this feeling. I've given up on love and happiness. Like, it feels as if I even did manage to find someone, there's no point if I have to be this way. Why does something so simple have to be so wrong sometimes?

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The only reason I am still alive is because I don't just want to kill myself; I want to destroy myself. That is to say to have no one ever find out what happened to me, where I am, when I even left, and hopefully forget all about me. I do not want my body found and identified.

I cannot stand the thought of having a funeral, for some reason they seem pathetic to me, probably because the whole mourning procedure is a forced facade.

God forbid it'd be made out into some politicized message about mental health in the youth. I consider my mind sober; it is the sober view of the world I see that upsets me. Taking antidepressants would be the equivalent of taking opium in order to over look how shit the world really is.

I don't want to hurt my parents either, which adds to not having my death being found out, but I am also unhappy to be around them. I have forcibly alienated almost everyone else for the same reason, as I don't want to hurt anyone around me. I have grown to dislike and avoid anyone who cares for me because of it.

I had a method of suicide planed out, but it relied in being in deep wilderness, and unfortunately there isn't a plot of land in this fucking country that isn't either privately owned farmland or isn't a kept after natural park (where I most surely will be found).

>>36433574
I'm guy from >>36435415 and I want to know your secret. How do you stop people from needlessly giving a shit about you? As hard as I try to seem uninteresting, people still feel the need to insert themselves into my life. help.

Depression pussies get laid and stop being a faggots

>>36430560
Lazily awaiting the 27th, when the hospital finally calls me in for the interview to get into their 5-day-a-week therapy. I'm still confused as to why they rescheduled it to almost a month later than it was originally when it was deemed "urgent" because of the whole suicidal thing. Been basically living in my room for the whole time. Internal clock is fucked. I'll sporadically play Fallout 4 if I feel like it. Probably lament having no qt NEET gf at some point.

>>36435477
sex is meaningless without love. and i love no one. yea its x1000 than masturbation, but that doesnt make anyone happy.

>>36433724
>>36433761

Thanks guys. I ended up going to bed. I woke up at 3:00 AM wracked with anxiety, but I don't feel as depressed anymore. Two steps forward, one step back I guess.

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>tfw i told my coworkers i have a wife and daughter so they would think i'm less weird/creepy
>tfw i now have hourly thoughts about ending my life
>tfw i want to kill myself but i don't want them to know i lied out of desperation to fake being more normal

i just want to die and have only my family go to my funeral, i know it wouldn't matter because i'll be dead, but i don't want to be the super weird guy who offed himself

anti-depressants just make my depressionw orse, doctors want to take all my money to "talk" about things that just aggravate me

what the fuck should i do, should i just end it and not give a shit or should i just leave my job and wander around until i starve to death in some forest somewhere and hope my body doesn't get found for years

i just can't take living anymore

>>36436413
why would your workplace find out about your funeral? How do these things work exactly?

>>36436435
my family would probably contact them to tell them i'm dead, it's a small town so they'd probably know in the paper anyway

>>36436450
oh :(
why not ask for a family only funeral in a suicide note?

>>36436460
i kinda told my coworkers i have no family either

a couple years ago my parents divorced, my mom got a new boyfriend and kicked me out, neither of my parents talk to me anymore and the only family member i talk to is my sister, who i have down as my emergency contact, if i disappear for a while they'll call her

i'd ask for a family only funeral but there's no guarantee that would actually happen

>>36436549
I am sorry to hear that. Hopefully things lighten up for you in the future.

>>36436610
i doubt they will but thanks anyway

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I had a dream in which I had friends.

When I'm not working or studying, I can feel it creeping back in. I had 5 days off over Easter and after a day of just sleeping, I was back to how I was a couple of years ago, just laying in bed and fighting the constant urge to run a blade down my arms.

My parents will never be proud of me, I am disgusting and I don't know how anyone could ever love me. It must be so disappointing to have a kid, be told they have all of this potential and then watch them spiral into a depression, which has now lasted literally half of their life. The worst part is that I am the eldest sibling, and literally the worst, ugliest, fattest one who smokes too much weed and reads BL manga constantly.

I fucked up my time sheet at work, and admin didn't notice. Now, they are having to scramble to fix it, and I know it's a lot of work for them because I'm owed some pay still. I'm sure they absolutely hate me, and I'm supposed to be smarter than them.

The worst part is, people would love to have my life. I know it's OK. But I'm such a shitty person, knowing I don't deserve to have a job and a bf just makes it feel shitty, and like I am waiting for everyone to realize I'm just a dumb piece of shit.

>>36431199
Holy shit.
This caught me off guard.

That makes SENSE.

>>36432002
>>36431984

Especially>>36431966
Theres something about seeing this on paper and not just on a screen.

Something more.
Maybe its the fluid like handwriting.
Its like art almost.

Like a "watching" a depressing pink floyd song if you had synesthesia.

Woke up this morning feeling awful. At my mom's place so I'm going to have to pretend to be ok for her sake. She's a good woman and doesn't deserve to see me like this. Realizing this is what I am makes me so angry every time I wake up or go to sleep because I just hate myself so much.

>>36433053
You'll never actually be a girl. Sorry but that's the reality of life. Humans can't become dogs, wizards, or change sex at will. This isn't an RPG where you can change your character stats at will. This is real life.

If you can't accept the body that you live in while there are cripples who didn't choose to be deformed, you probably do need to kill yourself. Fucking panty-wearing faggot retard.

I let my gay best friend suck me off for the first time last night.
It was nice.

So what are the chances I will get an Sti?hes only been with one guy who claims he is clean.

>>36435415
ONE (YOU)?
NO.

I am furious that you have gone unreciprocated.

I have written your entire post before.
I wanted to be erased.
Leap into a black hole.
Vaporized.

To die does seem embarrassing yes.
Perhaps it is pride that makes us feel we must be destroyed instead of killed.

As we have some... Status that makes us feel inhuman maybe.

I had this phase.
But nothing would destroy me.
So I started working on it myself.

First I destroyed my character.
I went 5 months without speaking.
I stopped consuming nearly all forms of entertainment.

Shortly after those months were up I left my mother's house and entire family without a word.

Skipped states, got a first job.
Left the country to kill myself in eastern europe.

Now my relationship with my family was eccentric to begin with.
To have closure and cope with my disappearance they would likely believe the more aloof part of me left to fix my self in some sort of exile.
Perhaps to study Buddhism or something and return a decade later changed or not changed.

Its good.
But I will never return.
I didn't die in Romania

But Im stateside now and plan on finishing the job

I cant wait for aliens or god or a nuke anymore.

The walls of expectation are closing in.

I will not seek treatment.
As I have tried, and the scope of people's opinion about my outloom is "I am just stressed, but not ailed in anyway"

I cannot say if my view of the world is a sober one.
My perception is likely to be bias or skewed.

But I too refuse to ignore reality and prolong a suffering I don't want with medication "just because".

I really hope you escape and get the death you need like I will.

>>36430560
still no one to hold at nights
feels fucking empty