Psychological Issues #36

Hey Nick, where do you live?

>>36362998

Switzerland, you?

>>36363001
America. I thought that you probably lived in Europe. You start this thread early everyday from where I live.

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Hey Faggots,
My name is John, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facebook.
Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than "jack off to naked drawn Japanese people"? I also get straight A's, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my bitch"

Origianlfd

>>36363014

I usually start it in my evenings, depending. I won't be able to start it this early as of next week, since my holidays end.

Must be very early morning for you.

>>36363025
Nice copypasta. I'm glad the trolls are starting early so Nick can disband them early.

>>36363025

Hello, John. You seem to have quite some anger issues, especially relating to homosexuality. What do you feel when you look at hot guys?

Always wanted to analyse a meme.

>>36363031
Yeah, it's three in the morning. I don't sleep very well anymore.

>>36363057

If memory serves, you're the anon with low/inexistent empathy who abuses his girlfriend, is that right?

>>36363069
Yeah. I kind of quit doing that, because it got boring. I'm glad though. How do you feel about the Myers Briggs Test?

>>36363090
>because it got boring.

Is that really the main reason? Not that it hurt your girlfriend?

If I gave you a mission and you failed miserably, how would you feel?

>How do you feel about the Myers Briggs Test?

I used to love it very much, mostly because my own result (done in a university setting) gave me a profile that looked spot on. I'm an INFJ, with a P that's not far behind my J (sometimes, when I redo the test, I get INFP instead, my original test had them 1 point away from each other). INFJ matches me very well.

I'm not against this test in any way, but I wouldn't make too much of it.

what is the point of these threads, exactly?

borgenao

>>36363174

Mainly, offering help. People state their apparent problems, symptoms, etc, and we talk. Sometimes we get to figure out important things together, sometimes it's mostly support, sometimes it's information, sometimes it's all of that.

You like sports Nick?
I'm honestly bored as hell, I guess if you wanna just fling all kinds of random questions at me? Maybe notice something? I don't know what I'm hoping for
>>36363057
I didn't even sleep, couldn't

>>36363153
>the main reason?
Mostly. Like I said, I tend to not care for people. I'm nice to them and everything, but if something bad happened I could easily walk away.

>how would you feel?
I wouldn't care unless I wanted to actually complete it.

I hear a lot of people talk shit about INFPs and INFJs, but it seems like it's just a meme. I enjoy the Myers Briggs Test, because I got very interchangeable ones. I'm basically an NT, because I like to socialize and I enjoy my own company. I tend to think a lot, but some of my answers to things just come out of nowhere. I don't really think that this has a direct application to life, and I understand that I shouldn't obsess over it, but it's just something to keep me occupied.

>>36363248
>I didn't even sleep, couldn't
Why is that?

>>36363174

If you help me find a good website to post images, I'll show you what happens in these threads.

>>36363248
>You like sports Nick?

I would have had they not been used against me. My own physical activity is about lifting heavy things in various positions.

>I'm honestly bored as hell, I guess if you wanna just fling all kinds of random questions at me? Maybe notice something? I don't know what I'm hoping for

New rule: you ask me questions now. I'll probably be able to figure some things out from what sort of questions you ask. I can also throw you random questions as well.

Do you prefer blue or red?

>>36363153
What do you think I would be? Or did we already talk about this?

Bit bleary-eyed today, didn't get much sleep. I have a two hour extended interview today. Bit worried about it. All of a sudden, not sure I'll get it. Social anxiety/ fatalism may get the better of me.

>>36363275

I wonder if it's possible to get you back from the undead and resurrect your heart. I really do.

I'm not sure how to go about it however.

Do you like kittens?

>>36363322
Nah man, you'll do fine. All you have to do is go in, talk to them, impress them, and leave.

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>>36363356
I impressed one of them for 15 minutes. Impressing 4 of them for two hours while retaining spaghetti is another thing. Realistically I probably will be fine as long as I do some prep before I head out. Maybe print some extra CV copies.

>>36363322
>What do you think I would be? Or did we already talk about this?

I have no clue. I've never thought of Myers Briggs with mental illnesses, so I'm wondering where personality begins and where mental illness ends. Maybe some types are just personality disorders, who knows.

Figure it out for yourself:

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

> I have a two hour extended interview today.

That's damn long. You'll be fine.

>>36363379
Surprised. I actually thought you'd guess it. INTJ

>>36363377
>Impressing 4

It's a fair fight then.

Sorry, I cannot resist making these jokes, I'll never be able to make them with anyone else ever again, I am sure, so I can't waste those opportunities.

>>36363388

Hitler dubs.

I haven't studied Myers Briggs in details; I'm mostly familiar with the intro extro deal. And some types.

>>36363339
I don't know. I like cats, because they are fun to watch, but if you're asking if I care for their well-being, no. I was hanging out with a friend last week, and a dog got hit by a car. My first thought was, "Oh shit, that little girl is going to be sad." I thought this over everything else, because a little girl was recently playing with it. Anyways, I just wanted to get a shovel and throw it to the curb.

P.s. I thought of a pretty funny joke about it. Animal control came to take the corpse, and they pulled out plastic baggies to put it in. You could say that the bags are doggy bags.

>>36363393
Kek, I just remembered Facet has DID.

>>36363286
I don't know I'm not a scientist
>>36363294
Ask you questions? You like seafood?
More of a blue person, I like darker shades of both, Navy blue, burgundy

>>36363393
Got a chuckle out of me, it's a fair cop.

INTJ is results-focused, strategic, ambitious, private, poor empathy/ social skills.

According to the character bar at the bottom:
>Nietzsche
>Littlefinger/ Tywin Lannister (Game of Thrones)
>Walter White
>Seven of Nine
>Moriarty

>>36363452
>I don't know I'm not a scientist
Okay, I just figured it was something that was obvious, but my apologies.

It all began with my mom. She was a lesbian her girlfriend ruined her life beating her me and my younger brother on a weekly basis. She instilled worthless feelings in me since i was two. She hated the fact that i existed. (She told the to my aunt and the reason is im my dad and moms kid) i hate this woman with every fiber of my being and she has been the cause of atleast 2 of my suicide attempts. After moving out i got into a gay relationship that fell apart quickly. The bitch the abuse and heartbreak with a whole host of otherthings has me fucking dissociating. I just want to fucking die if you want more details ill tell

>>36363418
>You could say that the bags are doggy bags.

I'd kek but I'm absolutely terrified at the idea that you're a real person walking around.

Do you have any idea how extraterrestrial you really are amongst humans? You aren't alone by any means, but the vast majority of people cannot relate to you or you to them.

I believe we discussed your past and came to the conclusion that your father was very much like this, but I forget if we assumed that you adopted the same way as a defense mechanism so as not to be hurt.

What is your worst fear?

>>36363476
Yeah, it's pretty cool, but if you go to the mbti threads all they do is talk shit about INTJs.

>>36363490
And sorry if its kind of rambling im really tired

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What do you think of the enneagram? it helps me with self improvement.
plus: what enneagram type are you?

>>36363497
>What is your worst fear?
You asked me this a long time ago. I told you nothing and you asked about drowning and burning to death. I told you that neither of these concern me. I don't ever get scared.

>>36363527
What is this? I've never heard of this before.

>>36363501
Whatever makes them happy I suppose. I think it's because if you can't back it up it's a pretty pitiable position to be in. I'm not a genius by any stretch, but it works well enough for me. I just see it as being practical. It seems odd to me that anyone wouldn't think about what the task at hand is, how to optimise results and then approach it by whatever means are appropriate. It just stands to reason: if you have a task to complete, there's no point hemming yourself in with artificial limitations. I'd like to be better around people of course, but there we are.

>>36363452
>I don't know I'm not a scientist

Not him, obviously, but do you realise that your response is curt? It feels aggressive, and I'd like to know if you're aware of this, if you mean it that way, or what.

>Ask you questions? You like seafood?

I love seafood. Shrimp are the stuff.

What's your favourite season?

>>36363476
>poor empathy/ social skills.

Well that doesn't work then. You may use your empathy for nefarious purposes but I'd hardly say you have poor empathy. You may be unstable socially but I highly doubt you have poor social skills.

Walter White doesn't hold up as a character, unfortunately. That's the great flaw in that series, in my opinion.

>>36363482
>>36363551
It wasn't meant to be mean, kinda cheeky if anything, I guess tone is hard to convey through text
I like fall or winter, can't pick one

>>36363529
>>36363542
>>36363501
>>36363482
>>36363437
>>36363356
>>36363286
>>36363090
All of these are me, sorry I forgot to put the name back on.

>>36363490

Woah, a lot of very heavy stuff in there. I'm deeply sorry you had to go through so much crap.

What are you current symptoms?

>>36363620
>>36363418
Also this one. Semi-original.

>>36363527

I've never done this one before. Looks almost occult. Send a link to a test and I'll do it.

>>36363529
>You asked me this a long time ago

True, I had forgotten. I'm damn consistent in my method...

>I told you that neither of these concern me. I don't ever get scared.

I understand why you're bored out of your mind. You must have cried as a baby, though. At some point, you must have felt fear and other emotions. Were you this way as a child already?

>>36363548
>artificial limitations

They're not artificial to others, you machiavellian beast. Hurting others to get what I want, for instance, would be self-defeating, so that's a very objective limit to me.

>>36363599

Are you interested in UFO's?

>>36363703
No, I don't really care for them. You?
I believe aliens exist, the universe is infinite so the chances of us being alone are borderline impossible

>>36363666
Nice devil trips.

>Were this way as a child already?
I was unless I didn't want to be. I was either a normal kid, or an aggressive child that would do what ever I wanted to regardless of what happened after.

>>36363687
But if the objective was best accomplished through running roughshod over someone, if the objective was more important then it would be the only logical thing to do. It just depends what is more important at the time. It would only be self-defeating if you weren't committed to the task. In other words, you had a different objective to begin with.

>>36363590
Well, I get nervous if I have to spend too long around too many people. One on one is where I do my best work. As to empathy, I can often understand from an intellectual point of view but there's definitely some nuance that escapes me, and it's always more thinking than feeling (surprise surprise).

Why do you say Walter doesn't hold up?

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>>36363542
The Enneagram is a model of the human psyche which is principally understood and taught as a typology of nine interconnected personality types.
The types are normally referred to by their numbers, but sometimes their "characteristic roles" are used instead. The "stress" and "security" points (sometimes referred to as the "disintegration" and "integration" points) are the types, connected by the lines of the enneagram figure, that are believed to influence a person in more adverse or relaxed circumstances. According to this theory, someone classed as a One type, for example, may begin to think, feel and act more like a Four type when stressed, or more like a Seven type when relaxed.
(wikipedia)

>>36363646
https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test-2.php

>>36363760
>No, I don't really care for them. You?

I used to. I'm still interested nowadays but I have very low tolerance for BS, so that killed some of my passion for the paranormal.

>I believe aliens exist, the universe is infinite so the chances of us being alone are borderline impossible

Borderline impossible, that'd make a great title. The universe isn't infinite, but it is huge indeed. As to probabilities, I think debating is meaningless until we know how life begins in more details. But it'd stand to reason that if it started here, it could start somewhere else.

As Clarke said, either we're alone, or we aren't, and both are terrifying.

>>36363772

Would you feel things as a child? Have you ever cried in your life?

>>36363871
>Would you feel things as a child?
I was mad a lot, because my brother used to bully me. I tried to kill him once.

>Have you ever cried in your life?
Yeah, I usually cry out of frustration.

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>>36363839
You seem to know this stuff pretty well. What does this mean?

>>36363812
>But if the objective was best accomplished through running roughshod over someone, if the objective was more important then it would be the only logical thing to do.

Roughshod, new word to me. I like it. I officially know more words in English than in my mothertongue. It's strange.

Logic isn't always the way to my heart. Hence the F in my INFJ. If it feels wrong, I won't do it. In a case where I'd have to do something horrible to someone for the greater good, I can tell you I'd use all my mental strength to do it, that it would cost me heavily and leave me dead, no matter how logical it may be, no matter anything. I've had to do it, in some way, to save my own school. I was reading Orson S. Card's Ender's Game at the time, and boy, it was a season of feels.

>and it's always more thinking than feeling (surprise surprise).

Interesting. I'm all feels all the time I think. I think about my feels to understand what's up, but I have a pretty good idea of what people feel, to the point where I almost feel like I'm other people, it's that transparent to me. Serves me greatly as a teacher. I realise other teachers seem clueless about their students in many cases.

>Why do you say Walter doesn't hold up?

Breaking Bad spoilers here, do not look if you haven't seen the series, I still recommend it despite massive weakening past season 3:

When White turns into a dickbag, he stops being credible as a person, because he suddenly becomes uncaring and he feels like a completely different person, and that change isn't warranted enough in my opinion; Batman villains have more justification and motivation to do what they do than White;
the moment he stops being a teacher is the moment the show takes a turn for a more generic sort of drug-related drama,
when what I liked best was the American Beauty meets Fight Club aspect of the series.

>>36363861
Yea it's odd to think about

>>36363927
>I was mad a lot, because my brother used to bully me. I tried to kill him once.

Tell me some things he did to you, and how you tried to kill him.

>Yeah, I usually cry out of frustration.

Can frustration exist without fear?

>>36363956
You're stuck in the anger (or gut) triad of the Enneagram. Among the anger types, you're most to externalize your anger. Your basic desire is to protect yourself. Growth for you is by being more open hearted and caring to other people.

>>36364075
>some things he did to you
He mostly just told me I was a shitty person all the time. He also used to hit me, and pushed me around literally.

>Can frustration exist without fear?
Yes.

>>36364087
Thanks. What about you? What's your main enneagram type?

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>>36363956

I'm your polar opposite. I challenge you to a massive duel on top of a skyscraper, where you'll win because as soon as I hurt you, I'll help you.

>>36364137
Nice. I'm glad to hear you won't oppose me too much.

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>>36363993
Fiction affects you very deeply then? For me, there are a handful of things that I just can't enjoy because they play on my fears too much. Things around rape and home invasion really trigger me.

There's nothing wrong with principle. In fact, it's a good thing. I like to think I'm principled myself, but they don't always line up with those of others, and to be fair, it can come down to a coin toss between my decisions and the hunter's at times.

I don't really trust feelings; they're too unreliable.

It's situational, I suppose. He's immersed in a scenario where he's given carte blanche to indulge his ambition without consequence. Once teaching - something of an anchor for him - is out of the picture, all he has is the darker part. I imagine once you have a taste and realise that you can pursue that high and evade consequence, for some people it would be a tipping point. Prior to that he's mostly held back by fear. It's a faulty comparison of course, but if I shifted a certain way and he acted on the darkest impulses and got away with it, in a sense that might be it. No coming back from there really.

>>36364137
>I challenge you to a massive duel on top of a skyscraper
Are you a Yakuza fan by any chance?

>>36364103

Isn't frustration related to fear of not being able to achieve something?

>>36364155

Indeed. I'm an aware helper, meaning I had both done this test before and longly analysed the result to a friend who had shown it to me, I remember now, and I was all butthurt because the "helper" type, as described here, sounds like a massive asshole.

With what I've learned about my past, I do see how it makes sense, and it's an added difficulty to tell myself that the reason why I love helping people so much is because I was never made to feel like a whole person on my own. I'm aware of that, and it pains me. I can't think of myself as some saintly helper, so I just own up to it and generally say that helping others helps me, but that it would mean nothing if my help wasn't real and had no real positive effects on others.

I probably overcommented on that one.

Hey, Nick. I tried to OD last night. Ended up knocking myself out for about 16 hours. I see my counselor tomorrow. Should I tell her?

>>36364167
No, it's the agony of not being able to accomplish something. The fear of not being able to do something is just what it sounds like. It's the fear of not being able to do something.

>>36364197
You sound like a tragic hero Nick. You should probably get some help.

>>36364163
>Fiction affects you very deeply then?

Yes, if done well.

>Things around rape and home invasion really trigger me.

Woah, now that's fucking weird. I'm the exact same. These are the exact two things I don't want in a film. It spoils the whole film for me. There's no fun after this. I never really thought about it much until I realised I might have been violated myself (still unsure about that one), but my reaction is as yours.

My loved one made me watch this short film, which I thought was just a random video at first, called something about the Johnsons, or some other name, and it's fucked up as fuck. When I realised it wasn't just a short video, I got upset because now I couldn't stop watching, but it made me feel increasingly worse. By the end I was messed up and furious (which I normally never am).

I now think this ties in with my own potential violation and the fact that I was once exposed to shocking material not suited for a child.

>>36364163
>Are you a Yakuza fan by any chance?

Never played that game.

>>36364208
>Hey, Nick. I tried to OD last night. Ended up knocking myself out for about 16 hours. I see my counselor tomorrow. Should I tell her?

Yes! Holy shit, man! Are you OK?

>>36364211
>No, it's the agony of not being able to accomplish something

Would there be agony if there was no fear? It can only be agony if you care, and if you care, you're scared of something.

>>36364239
>You sound like a tragic hero Nick. You should probably get some help.

Well, get this even more tragic bit: I'm getting help. I do 2-3 hours of therapy on a weekly basis. I started in January. I am helped, but there's just too much that happened.

>>36364250
A powerful reaction such as that would certainly suggest as much. It's an abnormal one definitely pending further investigation. However both of those things are, at their core, about power and denial of agency. On that basis alone it makes sense that you'd be affected given how you were raised.

>>36364260
Fantastic series of games. Some hardboiled crime drama punctuated by silly Japanese humour and a large helping of shirtless shouting. Every game ends with a fight on the top of the same skyscraper.

>>36364266
I think I'm fine. Just feel exhausted/dead/weak. Been feeling like that since I woke up. Had a splitting headache. Stomach hurts, but sure if that's related. I just feel as if I tell her, I'm gonna be thrown into a mental hospital or whatever. I think being around more crazies would make me even more suicidal. I dunno.

I feel indifferent about the situation. On one hand I feel like I should've took more pills. On the other hand I think I'm an idiot. What's nice is I told one of my good friends about it and she basically mocked me. Made me feel fantastic.

>>36364163
>writing a book that will invade and fragment peoples mind is unrealistic

We will see about that.
The methodology is solid, all it needs is presentation and curiosity with some vulnerability on the part of the reader.

I'd like to hear about escalating conflicts you have experienced with your others.

Therapists are not suitable for conversion, they know all they need to do to shut out an influence is turn a knob and ignoring it.


>>36362980
I've given it more thought, would there even be a point to talking about this with a psychologist? There has to be willingness to resolve but if I've already deemed that it can not be resolved than there is no point and I'd just be risking involuntary commitment.

>>36364282
No, because I can be agonizingly bored, but not afraid. It would be agony if I cared. It's not an if, then logical statement. I don't have to be afraid of something to care about something.

>>36364305
Huh. So, there's no going back then?

>>36364322
As long as you realise the magnitude and impracticality of what you're suggesting. I have significant experience with writing and writing theory, and I would be happy to proofread for you.

You wouldn't be committed unless there was a clear and tangible risk to life of yourself and others. Threats and impulses don't count. They wouldn't act unless you had made specific plans and had gathered a cache of weapons, for example. As to willingness to resolve, you imply within your answer that it can be, but you'd rather it wasn't. In essence, therapy would pose a threat to the phantasy that you've constructed.

What do you mean by escalating conflicts? Specifically.

>>36364310
>It's an abnormal one definitely pending further investigation.

I felt physically ill for 10 hours after that.

>What's nice is I told one of my good friends about it and she basically mocked me.

What's nice is now you know she's a cunt and needs to go fuck herself. Drop her.

Friend, your situation is serious. You've attempted to die, there's no more serious situation. You should consider spending some time in a clinic to calm the hell down; is that possible? Not a psychiatric hospital, a clinic for people who need to spend 3 weeks in a quiet and secure setting.

>>36364375
>I felt physically ill for 10 hours after that.
Just the other day I was comparably affected after reading the court notes for the Rotherham case.

>>36364322
>The methodology is solid, all it needs is presentation and curiosity with some vulnerability on the part of the reader.

I read that from the last thread, and I'll be fully frontal with you: this is a delusion. Absolutely nobody is going to get infected with Seethe from reading your words.

You seem to be projecting your own "infectionability" onto others, assuming that Seethe will be contagious to them as he is to you, forgetting that Seethe is firmly trapped into your own mind. No vulnerability will ever transmit your mental illness to another human being.

Seethe will surely not like that, but it's the cold, hard truth.

>Therapists are not suitable for conversion

Nobody is suitable for conversion.

>I've given it more thought, would there even be a point to talking about this with a psychologist?

Yes.

>There has to be willingness to resolve but if I've already deemed that it can not be resolved than there is no point and I'd just be risking involuntary commitment.

It's not your role to deem it anything; you are no good judge of your own situation. There's no reason to have you committed, you've lived a long time without committing crimes or being a danger to others, right?

>>36364334
>No, because I can be agonizingly bored, but not afraid.

Aren't you afraid of boredom?

>>36364103
I almost forgot to tell you how I tried to kill my brother. We were at our house having a barbecue. All of our family in the city was there. Some of my brother's friends were there as well. He had been hazing me for a long time now. We were all jumping on our trampoline when he told me I couldn't anymore. He pushed me off and started calling me names. I did the most logical thing I could think of, I grabbed a shovel and chased him with it. Since he was older, he was faster. I finally got tired of chasing him and threw it. It severed his Achilles tendon, and he couldn't walk for awhile after. The last thing I remember was yelling at the top of my lungs. Nobody was even back there while I was screaming like a madman.

>>36364350

Going back to what?


>>36364396
>the court notes for the Rotherham case.

Not familiar with that, going to check it out.

>>36364428
No, I just hate it.

>>36364440
I would caution you against it. It's truly one of the most horrific crimes in British history.

>>36364440
You said that there was too much that had happened. I imagine you were different before whatever these events were. They changed you, and now you can't go back.

>>36364430

Damn... You were raised in hostility and violence and have learned self-preservation above all else, I would argue.

Can you trust anyone at all on this earth?

>>36364441

What is the exact problem with not getting something done? In other words, why do you care?

>>36364494
I try not to. I think it's the most effective way.

>>36364461

I had heard of it, on /pol/ I think. It's easier for me to handle these topics now that I'm aware of why I felt so bad.

My therapist told me about Anneke Lucas, when I mentioned my bathtub memory. Not sure what to make of Lucas, but it sure smells of Eyes Wide Shut in here.

>>36364507
It's not about getting something done, it's about entertainment. I hate to be bored. I just want to be happy.

>>36364372
>In essence, therapy would pose a threat to the fantasy that you've constructed.

That is exactly right and I like that you formulated it so bluntly, especially since you ought to realize it is more than a mere fantasy to me as it probably is more than a fantasy to you as well.

>As to willingness to resolve, you imply within your answer that it can be, but you'd rather it wasn't.

According to me it can not be resolved without me being destroyed but I bet therapists would not agree and challenge this, ultimately resulting in my demise and Seethe's victory.

>>36364421
>you've lived a long time without committing crimes or being a danger to others, right?

Yes, I suppose you are right that it is not a justified fear.

>Absolutely nobody is going to get infected with Seethe from reading your words.

Even a mere attempt at it would make an interesting plot, a malicious entity manifested in book form who is after the reader, I reckon that premise alone is interesting enough to explore regardless of if it resolving my delusion.

Anyway, something more practical, is functioning with DiD (if it does turn out to be the case) possible?

>>36364477

Mentally, I think I can go back, but it's a long way. The people I have lost may be gone forever, however.

>>36364529
>I try not to. I think it's the most effective way.

You've learned that. But in the end, doing this may cost you much more than trusting and occasionally regretting it.

>>36364554
>It's not about getting something done, it's about entertainment. I hate to be bored. I just want to be happy.

I think you've never known happiness. Your emotional life seems to be very limited; you're either entertain or bored, and I assume, also angry at times.

>>36364583
Well, I don't regret anything.

>>36364597
Those are the main three. I sometimes cry to relieve stress.

>>36364564
>it is more than a mere fantasy to me as it probably is more than a fantasy to you as well.

Not my conversation but I'll butt in. It's more than a fantasy to both of you: it's a mental illness.

>According to me it can not be resolved without me being destroyed but I bet therapists would not agree and challenge this, ultimately resulting in my demise and Seethe's victory.

Sounds like what Seethe would want you to believe to protect himself.

>Even a mere attempt at it would make an interesting plot, a malicious entity manifested in book form who is after the reader, I reckon that premise alone is interesting enough to explore regardless of if it resolving my delusion.

Not much, it was the original plot to The Ring, the novel. The movies improved on that plot, in my opinion. Maybe you should give it a try.

>Anyway, something more practical, is functioning with DiD (if it does turn out to be the case) possible?

If you're good at team work, yes.

>>36364598

Because you have nothing to regret. (Make sure to get both meanings of that, I meant the sad one.)

Suppose you enter a room. The room is completely white, no windows. Inside is a char, all white too, wood, painted, and on that chair is a person. In front of this person is another chair, for you to sit on.

You sit on the chair and look at the person. What do you see and what happens?

What do you think about?

>>36364564
I notice that you changed the word 'phantasy' to 'fantasy'. I'm not sure whether this was deliberate or whether you believed it was a misspelling.
>phantasies interact reciprocally with experience to form the developing intellectual and emotional characteristics of the individual; phantasies are considered to be a basic capacity underlying and shaping thought, dream, symptoms and patterns of defence.
My point is that you have created an artificial baseline that you fear could be under attack and that would undermine your lived experience. Though 'fantasy' wouldn't be entirely inaccurate either.

>>36364564
>>36364626
>If you're good at team work, yes.
Hit the nail on the head here. Once you learn to cooperate with Seethe, a lot of the problems you have with him will dissipate. I can't pretend that things are perfect for my own condition, but I know for a fact that it's at its most extreme when the perspectives of my alters are very far apart from one another and from myself. The more you oppose them, the more powerful they become. The end goal is essentially cooperation and eventual reintegration. I know how frightening that sounds.

>>36364609

I thought as much. Do you ever feel jealousy?

>>36364696
Nope. I don't really care about what others have. I just hate when people fuck with my shit.

>>36364691
>Hit the nail on the head here.

I was mostly on this one for humor. I personally believe alters need to get fucked up and killed. The only cooperation I'd expect from them is understanding that they're you and they need to melt and become you again, because that's all they are. They're limbs to you, they're a hand, a foot, they're not a person.

Picture yourself shouting in all of their faces: "You are not a person, I am a person."

Do this shitloads until you feel some joy and power from it. You can't lose, even if they take over, they're still you, they'll never win.

>>36364675
I just see a woman staring back at me. No exchange of words. Just staring.

>>36364723

If someone slept with your wife, would you only be angry because somebody "used what was yours" or would you feel jealousy for other reasons?

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>>36364130
You can learn a lot from Nick
I have been enneagram 4 for a very long time now and trying to break free from it. It means I am stuck in the heart triad, and I strive to maintian a deviant "2edgy4u" self identity. The strange thing about 4s is that they're comfortable with being in touch with their dark feelings, almost like masochists. It may surprise you

>>36364137
You seem like a very healthy 2! The reason I say this is because you scored significantly higher in your strenght type (4) than your stress type (8) :) and remember to always be nurturing towards yourself.

>>36364745
What happens if he lets go though? My friend's psychologist to him to do this.

Couldn't sleep all night waiting for the results of the psych test for the government job I'm applying, what has me more concerned is that when they asked me what do you think is your biggest flaw I answered I might be a bit resistant to try new things and that I maybe think too much and that might paralyze me, but that I realize that many things in life you have to "jump into the water" to learn them that you can't learn them from a distance.

I'm scared I might came out as risk averse and a bit anti social as I was pretty nervous too, do you think it's as bad as I'm making it to be? How would you interpret what I said?

>>36364772
I'd just be pissed that they're trying to take what's mine.

>>36364745
Remember, to some extent they're elements of me that are partitioned off. To give it a Jungian spin, denying the shadow self only harms the psyche. It could be argued that that is what they are, only to the Nth degree and having gained some individual quirks of their own over
time.

>>36364783
>Let go
Could you explain what you mean here?

>>36364750
>I just see a woman staring back at me. No exchange of words. Just staring.

Why is she a woman?

What thoughts go through your mind?

How long do you stare?

>>36364776
That sounds very weird, but erotic.

>>36364823
You're constantly in autopilot right? You try to fight it sometimes, but instead of fighting, you give in and let yourself do whatever. Apparently you either disappear completely or it all just goes away.

>>36364839
lol, i take it a compliment

>>36364776
>and remember to always be nurturing towards yourself.

Which I can't do. The exact image I used to my therapist was that "helping myself" was akin to taking an electric plug, with in and out extremities, and plugging it to itself. There's no source there, no electricity: it's useless.

I can't help myself, literally. Because my own help is worthless to me, just like my own esteem and my own love don't mean anything to me.

When asked to rate my self-love from 1 to 10, I bugged and told my therapist that the question made no sense to me.

>>36364783
>What happens if he lets go though? My friend's psychologist to him to do this.

Let go what?

>>36364897
Nevermind. I must have had the wrong impression.

>>36364791

The way I see it, it comes out as, "This guy knows where he may need improvement, he's aware, and willing to do something about it," which is all good. You're much more fucked, in my opinion, if you come up with nothing to that question. Anyone able to point out their biggest flaw wins over someone who can't do it.

Interviews like to know that you got your shit under control, that you're self-aware. It makes you sound like someone who is in tune with themselves and has impartial judgement of even their own damn selves.

>>36364877
Something like that. On Weds though, I'm going to be drinking - something that tends to lower inhibitions and alter my mindset obviously, which in turn often provokes a shift - with the express intention of resisting. I'm going to be around people I trust and doing something I enjoy in order to anchor myself. So we'll just have to see how it goes. It would be edifying to prove to myself that I have the ability to fight it.

>>36364823
>Remember, to some extent they're elements of me that are partitioned off. To give it a Jungian spin, denying the shadow self only harms the psyche

I don't deny it in me, though. In fact, you deny it in yourself, because you made it a whole different entity, to cast it out of yourself. You're the one denying the shadow, my man.

>>36364691
Does your DiD allow you to simulate the minds of others very well? I think it does allow this for me, there are less barriers to do so compared to someone more rooted in their own I imagine.
I'm not sure if this is due to me learning this due to my brother or because of the possible condition.

>>36364947

Why do you drink so much?

I may have asked this before, hence 4 seconds of punishment from the Robot.

>>36364986
>I think it does allow this for me, there are less barriers to do so compared to someone more rooted in their own I imagine.

More exactly, it makes you think you can simulate the minds of others.

>>36364947
From my experience, drinking too much is what causes the shift. That's actually the only sure fire way to do it.

>>36365030

Wait, since when do you have alters?

>>36365042
I don't, but I have a friend that does.

>>36365009
Fair enough Nick, that doesn't mean the whole notion is false by definition.
There are logical reasons pointing to that possibility don't you think? Or do you think it's all just delusional perception and therefor utterly invalid before even entertaining the notion?

>>36364990
I have times on and off the wagon. As I've said before, it's the only way I can really relax. When I'm actually able to enjoy it, it's cathartic and suspends my thoughts for a while. Does away with worry if only for a time. I'm pretty highly strung and depressed, and have been for years. It's the best solution I've come up with. Still, I plan to kick it for a while again soon. All being well, it may be after this Weds. I went for 100 days not that long ago.

>>36364966
Fair point, which is why I need to listen to it/ them, in order to move toward reintegration. When I start thinking
>That isn't me
>I could never do that!
etc etc then they surface more powerfully. Self-acceptance is hard. Just thinking about it makes a knot in my stomach. I don't like to imagine they're anything like me.

>>36365030
High stress has done it plenty of times for me. Especially an inescapable situation. If I can't handle something, there may be someone else who can. Or if the solution is unconscionable to me, but not to others. Or if a feeling is too painful to process.

>>36365076

Tell us about your friend. I only know two cases of DID first hand (sort of first hand).

>>36365096
Yeah, the stress is something that can really dominate you. My friend is gone for months at a time when he has to deal with high stress situations.

>>36365125
He was raped as a kid, and has 7 confirmed personalities. He's almost always gone. When you come back it's like zooming into your head. When you're gone it feels like you're just watching a movie.

>>36365083
>Fair enough Nick, that doesn't mean the whole notion is false by definition.

No, but it's mere empathy when it comes to feelings and understanding when it comes to reason. Most humans can do that to some degree, and all start believing they can do it very well, since we generally assume that what works in us works in others, the root of all evil.

>There are logical reasons pointing to that possibility don't you think?

Of course, but not the way you suggest. Your way sounds more like delusion than anything really occurring, and I will be ruthless on anything too woowoo around here because we all need solid anchoring. I hope you won't hold it against me.

>Or do you think it's all just delusional perception and therefor utterly invalid before even entertaining the notion?

I do believe that your idea of "simulating others' minds" goes beyond mere empathy and understanding, and if so, then yes, I do think it's delusional and you should be careful about such thoughts, they won't help you.

>>36365096
>etc etc then they surface more powerfully. Self-acceptance is hard. Just thinking about it makes a knot in my stomach. I don't like to imagine they're anything like me.

Well then, if you put it like that. It's core shame. You're so ashamed of being yourself that you separated into the others, so now it's them and not you. Maybe instead of destroying them, we should focus on your shame.

It's a great threat to you, I'd imagine. You can't imagine yourself anything less than perfect, perhaps, and those alters now serve you as exile colonies for acts and thoughts and feelings you can't tolerate in yourself.

When I think about it, all your alters are negative entities. They always embarrass you in what they do, say, or are, after all.

>>36365135
It's really good to talk to someone who gets it, even if it's second hand. I've mentioned before that I look back and realise that for whole phases of my life I was dressing completely differently, using different names and all this and somehow I just floated through, not even really cognizant of the fact that it's kid of strange that I'm borderline anorexic with pink hair and screwing dudes, or swole and stomping around shouting at people and getting into fist fights. In that regard it's much like a dream; you don't realise you're not lucid most of the time, or until after you wake up. I can't really say with confidence that I'm any more 'me' than any of the others desu, and that's disconcerting.

>>36365211
Ha. Funny you should say that. An online handle I use occasionally is literally 'Shame'. Anyway, I'm off out to this interview now. I will be away for several hours but I'll check back into the thread if it's still up.

>>36364944

Thank you I understand it a bit more now, the interviewer reacted too said something like "it's good that you realize that" which my nervous self took it as "well at least you realize why you're not getting the job"

Now that I think of I really believe that my biggest issue is that I'm too pessimistic I really believe that minor things are catastrophic I literally couldn't sleep all night thinking about what I just told you.

>>36365211
Oh, and as to negative entities I don't really feel like she is. I mean, she nearly got me on HRT at one point but other than that.

>>36365167

Can you describe them all? Do they have names?

>>36365240
>An online handle I use occasionally is literally 'Shame'

I don't actually understand that sentence. What's an online handle?

Good luck with your interview, I will be here when you come back. I have nothing else to live for. Presently.

>>36365218
I know. It's a bitch to deal with. It's almost like being sedated, and not able to control yourself. The craziest thing that I've seen him do while switching was in his sleep. The personalities were talking to him, but he was still voicing them. Man, in one moment he went from a scotish accent to a ghetto black man then back to himself. It's a shame that there isn't any treatment.

>>36365242
>"it's good that you realize that" which my nervous self took it as "well at least you realize why you're not getting the job"

I think he really meant what he said, literally, and wanted you to know he approved of that. When you fuck up, I think they don't really tell you. When they do, it's to see how you react under stress. With these interviews, you're better off playing it cool and not caring too much because you never know what they're really looking for.

>Now that I think of I really believe that my biggest issue is that I'm too pessimistic I really believe that minor things are catastrophic I literally couldn't sleep all night thinking about what I just told you.

Very true. It's good that you realise that.

;)

>>36365266
Good feeling, Chris, Christopher, Charles, Buck. These are the ones I know and have heard about. There's usually categories with personalities. The protector is Charles. He tries to make sure the main (Chris), doesn't get hurt.

>>36365310
Like I use 'Facet' here I use 'Shame' in another context.

Presently is the crucial distinction.

>>36365312
Ha. Yeah, I mentioned the other day that one was tormenting me in my sleep, then I woke up paralysed only to hear him behind me and physically touching me.

>>36365264

Any womane who almost gets your dick chopped off should be considered dangerous.

More seriously, whenever you speak of your alters, you complain about them in some form or other. You're protective of her, but you probably hate her because she is weak and she is a woman, which you'll never be. I suspect the dark one hates her most of all because she is everything he isn't, everything he sees as weak. These two may not even communicate much.

I don't feel like you consider them as friends, ever. They're like containment boards.

I ran away from my family a while back. Been in therapy ever since.

I just phoned my mother to tell her the truth behind my running away.

My grandmother, who lived with us, repeatedly sexually abused me during my childhood.

I was warned by counselors about not getting my hopes up when telling my family about the rape, because the overwhelming majority of in-family pedophilia situations are met with willful blindness and denial by other family members no matter how many proofs you provide.

My mother reacted with completely unfazed-sounding "okay" and "hm-hm" and just listened patiently with no reaction whatsoever. When we hung up she was telling me about her day as if nothing had happened.

Feels good to have finally said it. But also, what the hell.

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>>36365312
>Man, in one moment he went from a scotish accent to a ghetto black man then back to himself.

I laughed. Then I realised you might be trolling subtly, though probably just a coincidence. Pic very related.

KA-BOOM

>>36365339
>The protector is Charles. He tries to make sure the main (Chris), doesn't get hurt.

Charles' in Charge?

If I find more pop references throughout the next hour with you I will enjoy it and appreciate your master trolling ways, though I don't really think you're trolling, worry not..

Can you define them? What function does each serve?

Hey guys. I'm going through a rough patch. I think I might have bipolar or cyclothymia, I'm in between a manic and depressed state at the moment.

How do I get normal again?

>>36365350
Yeah, it gets pretty bad. When my friend first found out, he came and told me. My next reaction was an "oh fuck", because I understand a lot of the things and experience some of the stuff, but I am willing to bet my life that I don't have it. It really sucks though. That'd be the one mental disorder I'd want the least.

What's a website where I can upload a big image without it getting resized?

>>36365373
That sucks man. Are you still seeing your counselor?

>>36365350
>Like I use 'Facet' here I use 'Shame' in another context.

Interesting, very much so. DID might be shamed-based like narcissism is, but the difference with narcissism would be that you're more aware, since the shameful bits are made to be other entities, while with narcs, the shameful bits are treated as though they don't exist at all. More awareness means more likely to get cured.

>Presently is the crucial distinction.

I wrote it as an afterthought, as you saw. I forced myself. There's no present or future for me, I've lost both, and the present is not a gift but some inconsistent dreamy awareness where moods and interpretations switch on me as though I was getting gangbanged by nefarious deities from a religion conjured up by lost bikers on an island. Sounds about right.

>then I woke up paralysed only to hear him behind me and physically touching me.

What?

>>36364886
Self nurture is placing importance on your own feelings. Be conscious of your own motives, give them the priority they deserve.

>When asked to rate my self-love from 1 to 10, I bugged and told my therapist that the question made no sense to me.
Love yourself because others love you. Look at the people who like you, your family, your friends. They have found something important and special in you, that you probably couldn't have found yourself. Recognize the affection of others, please.

Look, one day you'll drain your entire energy on being useful to other people and you'll neglect yourself and your health, and you wouldn't be able to help those who are in need of you no more.

>>36365416
Can someone please help me. Should I see a doctor?

>>36365412
The protector just doesn't want anything bad to happen. The protector is usually the second most dominant personality. The rest can be literally whatever. There is no set for the rest. Although the rest come out in VERY special circumstances. Sometimes new personalities can be formed.

>>36365526
Yes. You're probably going to be prescribed medication. It's usually lithium.

>>36365172
Allow me demonstrate.

You are a cliche, the crook turned 'priest', the guilty turned absolver of guilt. You offer others what you yourself need most of all, unconditional 'understanding' and forgiveness. You betrayed your girl, dedicated and vulnerable to you, you stepped on this tenderness and affection and now you attempt to self-abdicate your guilt.
You claim to not wanting to display a saint because it would not be very saintly to call yourself one. The root of your need to help others is clear, I suspect another part of it lies within your own childhood, a similar need gone unanswered amplified by your experience with your former gf.

Your future will prove entertaining, you are likely to set yourself up to be betrayed in a similar way without realizing it, you will maneuver yourself into such a position of vulnerability unaware of your hopes to be betrayed in order that you may be absolved of your own betrayal.

Now I will not hold it against you as I consider us to be fair and square now.

>>36365541
How does lithium work? Will it make me a zombie without, will my friends notice (i feel like I'm good at hiding it from them.)?

>>36365362
>Any womane

>womane

What the hell is a womane... A humane woman? Yeah, that.

>>36365568
Antipsychotics will make you a zombie. Lithium just makes so you're not SUPER depressed, or VERY angry/euphoric. Your friends will probably notice.

>>36365581
With the context of the word I would've thought inhumane woman.

>>36365373

What the fuck... I'm pissed off. You did well to run away, you had massive bollocks to call. You're pretty much a hero in my book.

Now, your mother's reaction could be many things: likely, she got abused too, and is trying hard not to connect what you told her, absolute denial, or maybe she's far, far gone.

That would depend on how your mother is usually.

I'm very interested in you. I'd like to know more about:

>your therapy/therapist
>your mother
>your grandmother
>you, are you OK? Are you safe now?

>>36365416

Describe your symptoms in as many details as possible.

How long are the cycles, are they triggered by anything, etc.

What do you do during your cycles?

>>36365462
Yeah, I found a really good C-PTSD shrink and I'm keeping him.

What sucks right now is to find out my parents won't do anything about it. They're not going to cut ties with my grandma, "not over this much," to quote them. I just wanted a family, was that too much to ask for or what.

>>36365517
>Self nurture is placing importance on your own feelings. Be conscious of your own motives, give them the priority they deserve.

I have no idea how to do this, it really means nothing to me, as in, 404 file not found. I understand the concept, but it's utterly unapplicable. Where healthy people have something in the form of self-love, self-respect, there's a big hole for me.

>Love yourself because others love you.

A very dependent way of loving oneself, and part of the problem. When I started having enemies, I felt cancelled. Permanently.

> Look at the people who like you, your family, your friends.

Many of those turned out not to like me, many others don't really know me, though I do find help in my few friends.

>They have found something important and special in you, that you probably couldn't have found yourself. Recognize the affection of others, please.

Most of which can be cancelled by one special person suddenly hating me, as much as I hate to think so.

>Look, one day you'll drain your entire energy on being useful to other people and you'll neglect yourself and your health, and you wouldn't be able to help those who are in need of you no more.

I eat OK and I work out regularly, but I have completely given up on house-cleaning. I used to be a clean freak, now I live in a junkyard of sorts, and I just can't do anything about it.

>>36365598
Is lithium not an antipsychotic?

Sorry about all the questions.

>>36365667
How old is she? It might be easier once she is dead. Sorry for the morbidity.

>>36365715
No, it's a mood corrector. It's fine to ask these questions.

>>36365751
Does it help with anxiety too?

>>36365715
Nevermind, nevermind, nevermind. I was thinking of something else. A lot of bipolar medication is antipsychotic.

>>36362980
>>36365762
Nick, try to help Steve please.

>>36365772
>>36365787
Sorry about this guys :^S

>>36365528

Sounds very volatile.

>>36365545

This is fun but I don't see more in it than using the clich[e] you first mentioned and working some plot lines from it. It sounds like brainstorming when forming the baseline for a character in a narrative. It may sound convincing because the logic is articulated, but it doesn't apply to me beyond the bits I often mentioned in this thread. I don't think you created a simulation of my mind in yours, because that's not what it's like up here.

I'll comment on the whole thing.

>You are a cliche, the crook turned 'priest',

It starts wrong because it's more the opposite. I was the epitome of the good person, in fact.

> the guilty turned absolver of guilt.

I don't absolve guilt. Often, I try to get people to feel their guilt when they try to repress it. So far, you have things quite upside down; it works on its own, but as a simulation of my mind, it's wrong as it could be, while still using the basic character sheet I gave you.

>You offer others what you yourself need most of all, unconditional 'understanding' and forgiveness.

If you had said, "help", maybe I'd agree, but you're wrong on the idea that I'm mostly about guilt and forgiveness. I don't forgive anons here, because they did nothing to me, so I can't offer forgiveness either.

I don't even ask for forgiveness for what I have done, because it would take more arrogance than I have to ask for it. Guilt I carry as I should. This isn't a problem to me, the guilt, the pain I caused and the dreams I have shattered are the problem and concern me more than the guilt per se.

(cont.)

>>36365821
So, how bad is it? How often do you become manic?

>>36365625
So many questions, this is gonna be long.

>your therapy/therapist
My therapist is a psychiatrist specialized in C-PTSD and hypnotherapy. He's a really good match for my personality, very pragmatic and receptive. We have a one hour session every week. Sometimes he only gives me advice when I'm conflicted and need the whole session to talk things out, and sometimes there's hypnosis, which could be compared to guided relaxation. Hypnosis somehow helps a lot, even though I was heavily skeptical at first.

>your mother
My mom is very emotionally cold. The only person she seems to have affection for is my little sister. She wasn't abused. My father, however, was abused by his parents, and my mom had no problems connecting the dots when it comes to him.

>your grandmother
My grandma is someone who married at 35 with no knowledge of how babies were made. She didn't know about homosexuality until recently. She doesn't comprehend the idea that women can be sexually predatory or abusive. To her, sexual abuse is penis forcing its way into vagina. Nothing else. She is deeply insecure. That's her main personality trait. She's also extremely stubborn. She plays the victim a lot, a common way for her to hide what she did was to play the victim when I cried next to her or got angry / afraid. "What did I do to deserve hate?" etc, with crocodile tears on top.

>you
I'm more okay than I was before, that's for sure. I'm a grown man and my abuser is now an elderly woman struggling to recover from heart surgery. I live on my own so I'm physically safe, and my life starts while hers is slowly ending. (Cruel, but satisfying to think about.)

>>36365545
>You betrayed your girl, dedicated and vulnerable to you, you stepped on this tenderness and affection and now you attempt to self-abdicate your guilt.

Very romanticised, but also wrong. This is no attempt at self-abdicating. As I frequently mentioned, doing this thread is the only thing that takes me off my torment to some degree, but I have no intentions of getting rid of my guilt, because I see nothing wrong with feeling bad for having done bad things. I did my best to save the situation, given the circumstances I had.

>You claim to not wanting to display a saint because it would not be very saintly to call yourself one.

No, I say I'm not a saint because I'm not a saint, and saying otherwise would be me lying, and I don't like lying.

>The root of your need to help others is clear

No, and this is something I've often explained as well, there's even a personality test about it in this thread, though it's a bit off in some respect.

> I suspect another part of it lies within your own childhood, a similar need gone unanswered amplified by your experience with your former gf.

I don't see how this was amplified by my former fianc[e]e, actually.

>Your future will prove entertaining, you are likely to set yourself up to be betrayed in a similar way without realizing it,

Simulating a mind is different from making predictions. But no, I clearly don't wish to suffer the same to feel less guilty, which is the gist of your paragraph here. I'm well aware that suffering of mine will not cancel the pain of others. It certainly make sense in your internal system, but it makes none in reality.

In conclusion, I do think your idea of having some above average ability to simulate the minds of others is a mere delusion based on your capacity to articulate plot points about characteristics.

>>36365851
I seem to snap into day to half day long hyperactive, nonsensical and annoying states once a week maybe. I'll do stupid shit and annoy my housemates, buy shit and then maybe go out clubbing that night.

My depressive states are me staying in bed until 2pm, not eating, feeling anxious and guilty. I'm not really lonely and isolated but i sure feel like it sometimes.

I also pull my leg hair out and smoke a lot of ciggies when I'm depressed. I've stopped myself from cutting several times.

>>36365821
Just get diagnosed first and go from there. You'll probably end up taking prozac which helps with depression and anxiety.

>>36365951
>>36365948
Yeah, most likely this.

>>36365667

I'm cutting off everyone except my brothers. I know that feel...

You actually have a shrink specialised in C-PTSD. That's great. I mentioned the possibility to my therapist but I still don't know what her working diagnostic is, and I never have time to ask for some reason (too much to say and by the time I think of it, I'm out of time, for many other things as well).

I can't make eye contact with people.
My hair feels wrong all the time and i'm too insecure to adjust it outside.
I think i have a high blood pressure, like i need to massage my face when i sit in public.

I've started to become sort of an an asshole to hide the fact that i'm incapable of handling normal social interactions. I walk straighter, i look around all the time and assert myself more, i open up my bag and put things down a little bit louder than i usually do, i cough randomly sometimes. But when people look at me in the eye they notice there's something wrong with me. They usually snap their eye contact eye immediately because they can tell that i'm uncomfortable.
I honestly feel like i've had 30 minutes of sleep everyday, that's how my face feels like all the time. Like i always need to scratch my eyes. I try staring into the sun for a few seconds but it doesn't help.
I can't stop being insecure about my hair. It looks good from one side but like shit from the other because of a bald spot i've got there.

For the first time in my life i've got girls giving me attention, but i can't do anything about it because i have zero self esteem. I used to be more confident when i was an ugly weirdo, but of course then i didn't even know how ugly i was.

>>36365951
I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD a few years ago. I started Prozac but I ended up wanting to kill myself even more. Probably part of the reason why I'm worried about being put on something new.

What's the story with you and that girl, Nick? I'm a newcomer to this thread and I've noticed that you and I are similar in some ways. Namely the constant desire to help others and self-hatred. A week ago I broke up with a girl I can't tell if I love or not, and in the ensuing storm I hurt her feelings very badly.

I'm seeing a counselor in a couple hours.

>>36365787

I'm slow posting, sorry. Your responses to him are better than I could say, when it comes to medication, so I have nothing to add.

I haven't yet reached the post where Steve responds to my few questions. Getting there!

>>36365739
She's almost a century old. Her death isn't going to change anything. She's not a threat to me as she is. When she dies, it won't kill off the copy of her I have in my head and in my nightmares.
I also looked for information on that kind of thing, and it doesn't sound like death would bring much closure.
To be 100% honest, sometimes part of me really wants her to die, so these things might change when she dies. But I'm not expecting any miracles.

>>36365970
Yeah, the only other thing is another thing like prozac or antipsychotics. Sorry.

>>36366025
I hope you find peace one day mate.

>>36366045
I can't keep living like this. I guess i should be open to lithium if it helps me get better.

>>36365934
>My mom is very emotionally cold.

As expected. I have that kind of mother too.

>She wasn't abused.

Don't be too sure, but do look at her own appreciation of her daughter with suspicion. It could be that your mother represses her own abuse so hard that she had to kill all other emotions along with it. I could be wrong, of course.

>My father, however, was abused by his parents, and my mom had no problems connecting the dots when it comes to him.

Sounds like she recognises victims.

Read this:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

Your grandmother sounds like she may act like a fool without being one. This is all very, very strange. She could be a mean type of covert narcissist, and those are the nastiest sort of already. She does a lot of crap my parents do: redefining what abuse is, playing victim, self-interest to the point of not knowing obvious things about the world (feigned or for real)

I like you, Arthur. I hope you'll stick around. There's loads to discuss.

>>36365649

I think Steve forgot my post.

I wasn't ignoring him. I was waiting for a response to this, and since I'm constantly typing, nonstop, I didn't realise he had missed it.

Steve, this one's for you!

>>36366070
Yeah it will. I just hope it doesn't effect you in a dramatic way.

>>36365948

Unlike what everyone else is telling you, wait before considering the medicated route. Depending on what the problem is, it may do absolutely nothing good.

Does anything trigger these cycles? Are they utterly random?

>>36365967
I don't actually know what his diagnosis is. Does it matter to you what the diagnosis is? If so, can I ask why?

>>36366114
They feel very random.

What are the alternatives to meds?

>>36365968
Does staring into the sun actually help against itch?

>>36365968
>I can't make eye contact with people.
>My hair feels wrong all the time and i'm too insecure to adjust it outside.
>I think i have a high blood pressure, like i need to massage my face when i sit in public.

Sounds like potential OCD.

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/do-i-have-ocd

Try.

>They usually snap their eye contact eye immediately because they can tell that i'm uncomfortable.

Or maybe THEY are uncomfortable. When I see someone uncomfortable with eye contact, THEY look away first. I don't, because I do stare at people when I care, not too long, but it's a bit more intense than regular chatting conditions.

>I honestly feel like i've had 30 minutes of sleep everyday,

Your sleep must be next to useless.

>I try staring into the sun for a few seconds but it doesn't help.

Why would you do that? Apart from eye damage, you'll get nothing else from this. Stop immediately and never do it again.

>I can't stop being insecure about my hair. It looks good from one side but like shit from the other because of a bald spot i've got there.

Hair is not the heart of the problem, focus on that.

>For the first time in my life i've got girls giving me attention, but i can't do anything about it because i have zero self esteem. I used to be more confident when i was an ugly weirdo, but of course then i didn't even know how ugly i was.

If girls give you attention, you are not ugly to them, and probably aren't ugly at all, so don't worry about it. Talk to them as friends, if anything should happen, it will, naturally.

Use a name!

>>36365968
You sound extremely tense. I don't know if you are. Are you?
Also, your post is all about you being in interpersonal situations. Compared to that, how do you feel or act when you're alone?

>>36365970
>I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD

I don't personally think meds is the solution for you. It's not an imbalance problem.

What caused your PTSD and what triggers it and what are the effects? (Sorry to ask the same things you might have been asked already, I'm not sure how to handle you since Eh is also asking you questions, which is fine, just know I read what you say to him as well, in case I asked the same stuff without knowing).

>>36365984
>What's the story with you and that girl, Nick?

There are two, but the one mentioned in this thread, my loved one, is a complicated story. I try not to tell too much because it's very possible that she finds this thread, here or in the archives.

>A week ago I broke up with a girl I can't tell if I love or not,

I do have a problem with knowing if I love or not. It seems confusing as fuck to me when it shouldn't. And it varies a lot too. I've never been able to break up with someone, as in, I was way too concerned about hurting them. Nowadays, I might if I were sure and thought it was the best thing to do, but I have never been this sure.

>I'm seeing a counselor in a couple hours.

Excellent.

You may want to read on "people-pleasers" and narcissistic parents.

>>36366187
>Cause of PTSD
A 4 month period of pure stress and anxiety. It's complex, sorry. I was on the other side of the world completely hopeless and lonely.

>Triggers
Thinking about the event, the people involved and the place. Sights, smells and sounds used to throw me into a flashback.

I don't have flashbacks anymore but i still feel uncomfortable thinking about the people and events. My anxiety fluctuates from non existent to consuming my entire life. The depression is more of a slow, long wave with noticeable peaks and troughs.

Sorry if I'm being too vague.

>>36366025

One thing I do is that I make sure to understand that it wasn't "personal", in that, anyone else in your place would have suffered the same abuse. This is a way to put distance between the acts and yourself, as in, they don't define you, they aren't you. This is your grandmother's shit and it should stay hers, even if you now have to deal with the consequences. The wounds are yours, but the weapon was hers; you leave that weapon to her. Think of it as a red hot blade she holds without a handle, because she hurt you because she was herself hurting (consciously or not), and you aren't under any obligation to hold the same burning blade; it's hurt you enough.

I'm not sure that makes sense, but I hope it does.

>>36366072
I also like myself, haha. But seriously, I like to discuss psychology related stuff so I'll stick around, yeah.

My mom is schizoid, she had a hard time experiencing empathy or emotions. She is a perfectionist and it's important to her to have a life matching to her own standards of morality. My opinion is she's in denial about what happened to me because it would imply that a) she failed to protect me as a mother, and b) her own mother is a terrible person. That's probably impossible to reconcile with her perfectionism. If she acknowledged what happened, she'd be crushed by self-hate and hate for her own mother.

I know she hasn't been abused by my grandmother because I know how my grandmother looks at people she likes, trust me. I know exactly who in the family might have been a victim because of the way she looks at them. Even as adults, she looks at us with so much regret and disgust, like we're repulsive for having grown up. Charming individual.

I don't know about her being a narc. I know how she works, but I don't really care about putting a name on it. Other than pedophile, that is.

>>36366070

You don't need meds, Steve, you need way more, but meds won't really help. I don't think.

>>36366129
>I don't actually know what his diagnosis is. Does it matter to you what the diagnosis is? If so, can I ask why?

Sheer curiosity and the supposition that it's useful information? Diagnoses help a lot, and whatever therapy you get afterwards is based on that diagnostic. I'm especially interested in C-PTSD because I suspect I have it.

>>36366145

It depends on what you really have, but if it stems from abuse, meds will only stabilise you, but that's an artificial type of therapy.

If it's some fast bipolar, meds may help much more. But I'm getting mixed messages about your situation; I think you mentioned PTSD before, but since I'm responding to these posts with 20 minutes' delay, I must sound like I'm not up to date on much. Apologies, responding to everyone is tricky.

In future, only dubs get help.

Kidding.

>>36366161

No, but it burns your retinas and may cause permament damage. You may even become blind.

>>36366297
>A 4 month period of pure stress and anxiety. It's complex, sorry. I was on the other side of the world completely hopeless and lonely.

Sounds more like complex PTSD.

You can easily have both, though.

>>36366297

Don't worry about being vague for now. I understand. I surprised myself by suddenly feeling the same way I felt 22 years ago by just talking about it to my therapist, to the point where I was about to get the symptoms I had 22 damn years ago. I also choked up, at another point, while mentioning an event where I... had choked up, literally like demonstrating the very thing I was talking about. So don't worry, I understand.

I'm more and more convinced that meds aren't the way for you.

>>36366387
I had PTSD a few years ago which has faded, still there in the background. I can deal with it.

I have had waves of depression in the past two years. I have been anxious most of my life, it has gotten worse in the past few years. I'm practically always anxious.

I experience day-long episodes of what you might call mania every week/other week. It's just me going a bit nutty for a while doing stupid shit. That is almost always followed up by a deep trough of depression for the next few days.

At the moment I'm coming out of a deep but of depression.

>>36366480
By me saying "i can deal with it" i don't know if i can because it does come back sometimes in full force, not as often though.

>>36366374
>My opinion is she's in denial about what happened to me because it would imply that a) she failed to protect me as a mother, and b) her own mother is a terrible person.

And c), she was abused by her own mother. If your grandmother is capable of abusing her grandson, how much more likely was she to abuse her own, even more defenceless, daughter?

>If she acknowledged what happened, she'd be crushed by self-hate and hate for her own mother.

And potentially even more so by being forced to relive her own abuse. Your mother sounds like she died inside a long, long time ago.

>I know she hasn't been abused by my grandmother because I know how my grandmother looks at people she likes, trust me.

I won't question your judgement, but do keep the idea in mind for later. Surprises sometimes take a long time to show up.

Your mother didn't develop such mental traits out of a magic hat, I would say. Nor did your grandmother.

>Even as adults, she looks at us with so much regret and disgust, like we're repulsive for having grown up. Charming individual.

Pretty spoopy indeed.

>I don't know about her being a narc. I know how she works, but I don't really care about putting a name on it. Other than pedophile, that is.

Well, Arthur, it's time to give a damn about putting names on things, as it will be key in your therapy. Labels aren't perfect but they're models and they're useful. It will allow you to understand more widely, and also connect your case to thousands of other cases, all very similar to each other. Labelling her is done for your sake, not hers.

>>36366398
I reacted to it because I recall an odd phase when I was a kid where I'd try to stare at the sun without blinking for as long as possible, thinking I'd be able to see its "true" colour.

>>36366480
>I had PTSD a few years ago

Can you tell me what happened? I mean, what kind of things triggered your PTSD?

>>36366528
>I reacted to it because I recall an odd phase when I was a kid where I'd try to stare at the sun without blinking for as long as possible, thinking I'd be able to see its "true" colour.

It's true colour is white.

Safer to ask someone than to check it out for yourself.

Interesting idea, however.

>>36366271

You sound exactly like me, friend. A shame you aren't in Berkeley; a drink and a talk between us would be a good time.

I've come to understand the origins of my problems come not from the fault of my parents in my upbringing but the unfortunately troubled relationship I observed and internalized, thinking it normal. Growing up I was very lonely, and I did not understand why. I think this created a desire to please and a personal sense of "original sin", and when the first girl I dated was very cold emotionally to despite all my attempts to impress her I think it validated and strengthened my self-loathing, people-pleasing narrative.

I fear that being presented with a healthy relationship disturbed this internal narrative, causing me to flee. The more affection I was shown by her the more indifferent in the relationship I became, because secretly on the inside I desire to be laughed off or dismissed as evil inside.

I am going to try to learn to love myself. I think only then can I learn to love and be loved by others.

>>36366544
I would be sitting in class. I would think about something related in passing. Suddenly I would be sent back to the time and place i didn't want to be. It was an out of body experience. Thinking was a trigger for so long, it was a dark time.

>>36366544
I can't tell you what happened. I really don't want to think about it.

>>36366565
>I've come to understand the origins of my problems come not from the fault of my parents in my upbringing but the unfortunately troubled relationship I observed and internalized, thinking it normal.

The reason why you internalise and normalise, however, might still be your parents. I used to think my parents had nothing to do with my issues, and for a long, long time I believed that. This is over now.

>Growing up I was very lonely, and I did not understand why.

You'll probably come to find that your parents did nothing to make sure you socialised, and COULD socialise. If you aren't raised properly, you won't be equipped to mingle with other children.

> and when the first girl I dated was very cold emotionally to despite all my attempts to impress her I think it validated and strengthened my self-loathing, people-pleasing narrative.

Sounds like your brain recognised your parent(s) in this girl, who reacted coldly to your attempts at making you love her, and that probably, sadly, caused your attraction.

Theory:
>raised by cold parent
>kid brain says, "You'd better be loved by thus tall hooman or you will fucking die in the jungle."
>try to secure love
>it be impossible
>keep trying because the alternative is death
>survival instinct kicks in
>try to "extract blood from rock"
>never works but keep trying, keep being hurt
>give what you want to receive, but never receive

>be adult
>suddenly meet a rock
>brain goes, OH FUCK, THAT'S MY TARGET, I MAY FIND LOVE IN THIS ROCK

>fails miserably
>just like with parent
>so that's really the right target!

You've been programmed to tragically look for love where there is none, like a moth on a lightbulb. You'll just burn yourself or wait until you die.

>>36366565
>I fear that being presented with a healthy relationship disturbed this internal narrative, causing me to flee.

Yes, because it won't tingle your jingles. This is mainly why abused people go for abusive people. Healthy relationships literally don't attract them.

>The more affection I was shown by her the more indifferent in the relationship I became,

I know that feel, and I hate it.

>because secretly on the inside I desire to be laughed off or dismissed as evil inside.


I don't know that feel.

>I am going to try to learn to love myself. I think only then can I learn to love and be loved by others.

Yes, but you'll need some background on what this means in effect. No point trying to love yourself if you have no idea why you didn't always love yourself like healthy people do.

>>36366586

OK, so it's mostly thoughts. Not objects you might see or sounds you heard, or smells, etc?

It sounds like you dissociated really hard during those events.

>>36366620

I poorly phrased that one, I meant "what happened during your PTSD flashbacks", not what happened that caused the trauma.

Where there is the most resistance, however, is usually where you'll have to go at some point.

>>36366742
Yeah. Mostly just thoughts.

They were hard enough that the flashback felt more real than the room i was sitting in.

>>36366322
I don't really get it. I'll keep it in mind in case it makes sense to me later down the road.

I'm haunted by her, and my way of dealing with it is by looking at the ghost. The ghost, whether in my nightmares or in my thoughts, isn't her. It's actually a part of my brain screaming at me. It's screaming because it's been hurt quite a bit, and is afraid of it happening again. So it uses her ghost to always remind me how much it hurts, and how scared I should be.
So, all the post-traumatic shit is just my body trying to help me without knowing how.
Thinking about things like that makes me see the panic and all that shit as clumsy allies. I'm safe, the nasty stuff is a benevolent part of me doing what it can.

Likewise, I'm not sure it makes sense.

>>36364828

Someone forgot this question.

>>36365428

And this.

The main problem i have is that I can never seem to get anything done, i'll go through a brief (and I mean very brief) period of really wanting to do something, then procrastination gets the better of me. It's either that or forgetfulness, my memory is shocking seriously if im not getting distracted from a task I usually forget to do it it creates huge problems cuz everyone thinks i simply dont care, when i actually really do its just that my mind gets sidetracked with other thoughts and i pursue these thoughts in my mind endlessley. It's so frustrating cuz i know that I have the ability to do it but I always hold my self back. For some reason i always seem to have a lot of energy like weird energy spikes for no reason even when it isn't appropriate but I dedicate all of this energy to being distracted this energy causes me to be agitated with being still sometimes and i always fidget with objects like pens and shit when i really should be working. All in all i really hate this woe-is-me shit cuz i know that *I* am the reason im held back but i never do anything about it. Sorry about the long essay i just had a lot to get off my chest

>>36366807
>They were hard enough that the flashback felt more real than the room i was sitting in.

Pretty damn intense.

The cure will not come from meds, I don't think.

Did you go to therapy for that PTSD? (Apologies if I've already been given this information.)

>>36366817
>Likewise, I'm not sure it makes sense.

It makes perfect sense, you understand what those disorders are in essence: defense mechanisms, coping mechanisms, developed in childhood (or later), which are now maladaptive, since you're safe.

Your brain is like a mother who lived through the war and keeps telling you to finish your plate even when you're no longer hungry, even though the war is long gone.

>>36366826

Very good. Do you tie this to anything in the past, to any cause?

When did it start?

>>36366848
No. I decided I wanted to deal with it myself. I really can't bring myself to even think about it in depth anymore for fear or losing touch with reality again.

I can't even tell my best friends that I'm suffering because it comes with the questions.

Even posting here is hard.

What do i do about my weird, short-lived mania though? It's really starting to get to me.

>>36366904

I think it may be when I first picked up vidya, my dad used to play SNES when he was a kid so naturally when shit like the gamecube came out he thought it was a good hobby to have, it is in moderation of course, i was always a shy kid so i'd prefer to just stay on my vidya rather than interact, plus when school started ramping up homework both in frequency and difficulty the affection for gaming was really strong so I chose most of the time not do it.

>Update on pedo grandma situation

Well
My father called me just now and in the conversation I told him he initially didn't react when I complained about my grandma as a kid.

He said I was twisting everything in a way that suited me and trying to manipulate the argument.

He got angry and ordered me to apologize for attempting to be manipulative. I apologize. If I hadn't, I would've lost contact with him, y'know.

He said it was hard to hear for him and that he was as repulsed as any father would be. But also, he won't cut ties with my grandma, or do anything. My mother, according to him "has a hard time blaming her own mother".

In the end, he said to call him back whenever I need to talk.

Maybe it's time for me to consider I don't even have a family at all.

>>36366910
>No. I decided I wanted to deal with it myself. I really can't bring myself to even think about it in depth anymore for fear or losing touch with reality again.

If your car broke down, would you deal with it yourself? No, it'd be dangerous. Your brain is far more complicated than your car.

I understand your fear, but this is no life to go on like this.

>Even posting here is hard.

It's a great first step.

>What do i do about my weird, short-lived mania though? It's really starting to get to me.

Same as with the rest: you seek professional help.

Do this: the first thing you say is what you told me: "I'm not comfortable talking about my problem because it may trigger flashbacks, so I will not be able to discuss things in detail for now," or something along those lines.

These people are trained in this stuff, and while it may sound semi crazy to you, it's almost nuts and bolts to them, so don't worry.

I insist you should seek expert help for this.

We can try together and gradually dig, as long as you're comfortable. Don't dig too much at once, just a little bit, then a little bit, why remaining comfortable. When it's too much, stop.

>>36366991
What the hell. We are here for you.

You said before that you might know someone else in the family who was abused. Maybe you could talk to them.

>>36366980

I see. My impression is that video games are a safety valve more than a cause; in other words: something is wrong, you feel bad, and games offer some comfort you don't get anywhere else.

The question now is: what is the discomfort, or stress, and what causes it?

>>36367058

Mainly? Most likely the weight of trying to live up to my dads standards, but the thing is my dads standards aren't even that high he just wants me to be a normal functioning man, things such as common sense seem to allude me, like i'll do one thing the most obtuse and complicated way then my dad probably face palms and then shows me a much, much simpler way that was staring me in the face the whole time, now that seems natural, but its not natural when i dont learn from it

I'm just a random anon. How can I get diagnosed with CPTSD if it isn't really in the DSM V? It's exactly what I have :/

>>36367039
No, I just know the look my grandma gives to the kids she's attracted to. All of them are cousins I haven't talked to in more than five years. We're spread all over the country.

Thanks for listening to me.

I also found out my parents told my sister I had gotten away because I didn't want to be near the entire family. I actually really love my sister and miss her a lot, I had no idea why I wasn't hearing from her but I guess I know now.
I'm gonna tell her as well because fuck everything.

I really just want to fucking die already. I shouldn't have posted here. Fuck.

>>36366991
>He said I was twisting everything in a way that suited me and trying to manipulate the argument.

How typical. Do read about narcs because it sounds like your father is one.

>He got angry

I hope it's crystal clear to you that this is the most abnormal reaction a father could have. Imagine the same scene with you as the father, and your son. Can you? Because I can't. You probably can't either. If my son told me this, I would know whether he's lying or not, because he's my son, and I'd know my son. (Narc parents don't really know anyone, not even their children.) But I'd never, ever, get angry at my son for this, simply because there is no reason to be angry at my son.

> ordered me to apologize for attempting to be manipulative.

Projection, he's being manipulative himself when he does this, not you.

> I apologize.

Wrong move.

>If I hadn't, I would've lost contact with him, y'know.

And you should. And when you do drop his cold, hateful ass on the ground, he might come back for you with all sorts of nonsense.

>He said it was hard to hear for him

Oh wow, boo fucking whoo! Can you imagine? Your son tells you he was abused by his grandmother, and OH BOOHOO, that's hard to hear? Is he insane? (Yes.) Do you realise how fucking LUNAR this shit is? This is your father, and he's more concerned about THIS BEING HARD TO HEAR FOR HIM, than THIS HAVING HAPPENED TO YOU, his son!

I'M UPSET.

Sorry, I really am upset because this drives me up the fucking wall.

>he was as repulsed as any father would be

Bullshit generalisations, just like my own father. Repulsed, yes, but BY YOUR GRANDMOTHER, that's what his reaction should have been.

(cont)

>>36366991

cont.


>My mother, according to him "has a hard time blaming her own mother".

Apparently.

>Maybe it's time for me to consider I don't even have a family at all.

You never had one. These people are horrible. You're better off without them, though you'll feel like an orphan now. Be my soul brother, because, in a way, we have the same family.

>>36362980
I am stuck in a perpetual state of doubt, Apathy and angst that loops over and over everytime I try to be sincere about somthing. Feels like I'm neck high in quicksand.

I never speak of it as it is tangled with a shitload of other issues.
It's like an iron maiden where you move away from one spike only to be further impailed by the one behind you.

Hi everyone.

I finally told my coworkers what happened to me today, and I got some good and bad reactions.
The three coworkers who were making fun of me were three line cooks. When I told them, one did exactly what I thought would happen and laughed in my face, and started to make even more fun of me. One of them stayed completely silent and just kind of stared at me. I think he feels a bit guilty. And the last one, who I already thought was the nicest, apologised profusely and had a long chat with me, I'm hoping we'll stay friends. So far only those three know but I'm sure the one who laughed will end up telling everyone

>>36367146

Your father behaves in ways that are not helpful to you, and may have undermined your learning process and self-building way more than you realise.

Being an invalidating dick is destructive to a child. To verify: trust your feelings. If you felt bad and insecure around your father, your father was doing something wrong.

Children don't naturally fuck up and they don't naturally feel bad. If the parent deals with them correctly, a child can fail some silly task many times and not mind, until he succeeds and feels like a winner who won against a difficult enemy.

Treated badly, the kid will only try 3 times, fail each time, be punished, verbally or else, and will give up, feeling like a failure failing a simple task.

Everything is easy for an adult. I was made to feel like a moron because I failed to tie my shoes the adult way the first time around when I was 5. Lack of empathy in an adult makes it so that they have no idea what it's like to be 5 and having to learn something that is automatic to them. They virtually expect you to have the automatism right away.

>>36366518
I'm always open to the idea that I'm wrong. My mom has always been pretty neglectful of her kids, so I have other things to do than think about her problems.

Maybe you're right and I need to put labels on them right away to sort things out in my head, or maybe it'll be easier for me to work without. I'll try it out and see what works best.

>>36367177

You can still discuss it with a therapist; it'll be official next year or so. It's been in the academic literally for 27 years.

Meanwhile, you can still tell all your symptoms, and you'll get diagnosed with any of the things under CPTSD.

>>36367227
Sorry Nick. I disassociated for the first time in a long time. I have calmed down. I'm going to bed.

>>36367178
>I actually really love my sister and miss her a lot, I had no idea why I wasn't hearing from her but I guess I know now.

Another typical narc tactic. I know it's cartoonish how they ALL DO THE SAME FUCKING SHIT, and it infuriates me because these people are like EVIL CARTOON CHARACTERS, but that's how it is.

My parents told my brothers and myself different versions of the same thing, to ensure we thought less of each other and talked very little. They spread lies that ensured we'd not ask each other to verify, but, instead, grew separate.

Arthur, your parents are dead now. They were never your parents, they never will be.

You must mourn. But you're not alone.

You may also want to call whoever takes care of protecting children where you live. Your parents and grandmother are evil scumbags and no child should live under their roof.

>>36367227

I'm sorry. But this shows you really, really need serious help.

>>36366161
Not really

>>36366166
I scored 1/20 and 0/20 on the test.
Nah people can tell when someone is not confident or there's something wrong with them. Today i sat at the bus and i felt like i was literally boiling up. I'm not sure how to rest my face and i try to hide my insecurity by having a small frown all the time.

No i sleep well, but it just feels like i'm dry in the face all the time. I don't feel attractive. I think a man should walk around feeling like he's a million bucks, but i don't. I feel ugly and socially underdeveloped. I must've taken like 1000 selfies these past two months just to see what i look like.

I wish i could stop caring what my hair looked like, but i can't. I want it to look as good as possible, and i want to hide my bald spot on the side.

I recently came out of an entire year spent sitting at home playing videogames. I think you're right that my hair is not the heart of the problem. I'm hoping i can regain some of my personality and confidence when i start hanging out with some of my old friends again.

This year i got a plastic surgery, a short haircut, better clothes and i started growing out my facial hair a bit. I look better than i ever have before and i honestly shouldn't be whining, but still i have these problems.

>>36366170
I am. I'm always self conscious. When i'm alone i feel better and i can move around freely knowing i'm not being observed.

>>36367290
>It's like an iron maiden where you move away from one spike only to be further impailed by the one behind you.

Sounds like C-PTSD on the face of it.

Has anything caused this situation? Any clear event?

>>36367470
I'm sorry. I'm so fucking fucked.

>>36367350

oh god i certainly do feel insecure around my dad, like when i was a kid and he would be at work and I would be at home after school, i would always feel afraid since I always felt as if i've done something (or not done something i should've done) that will get me into trouble when he gets home and eventually finds out, he didn't beat me or anything (thank god since his parent beat him for any minor misdemeanour) its just that he would go apeshit on me simply because its the 20th time i've done a specific mistake and not learnt from it, also whenever i fucked up he couldnt ground me because I never went outside so he would just take me off of my xbox or something, i think thats one of the reasons i feared getting into trouble so much as vidya acted as a sort of safety crutch for me

>>36367404
>it'll be official next year or so
where did you read this?

>>36367340
>one did exactly what I thought would happen and laughed in my face, and started to make even more fun of me.

That guy must be profoundly retarded. Or in denial. He deserves to be punched in the face.

> and started to make even more fun of me

By now, you probably have legal grounds to threaten to sue him, in fact. Might want to get informed on that, and maybe even give him a nice letter stating that if he continues doing this, he will be sued for harrassment (which it clearly is now). Don't hesitate. Contact a lawyer.

>One of them stayed completely silent and just kind of stared at me.

That's the guy who rewinds his memory and sees himself making fun of you under a whole new angle, feeling like the worst piece of shit in the universe. (That's the guy who'll testify for you in court should you sue the first one, to atone.)

> And the last one, who I already thought was the nicest, apologised profusely and had a long chat with me, I'm hoping we'll stay friends

You most likely will. The first guy sounds like he has a real fucking problem. The second guy was probably following the first, and the third guy has the only healthy reaction of the three, though guy #2 will come around, I am sure.

> I'm sure the one who laughed will end up telling everyone

I hope so, because if he does, most people will react like 2 and 3, and he will sound like such a fucking evil piece of shit that he will be shunned.

Trust me, nobody finds sexual assault funny. This guy has a real problem.

Consider suing. If he keeps harrassing you (say harrassing, you're not in school anymore), then a legal warning is in order. Once he's officially warned, threaten to sue. You can even mention this to your boss. Last thing she wants is this sort of thing, and none of it is your fault.

Now we're on a different level. He now knows what he's doing, the others didn't, and will now stop, guaranteed. They might even stop him from now on.

But if he continues, get serious.

>>36367248
>>36367260
Yeah, he shouldn't be angry, he's being manipulative, he's shutting me down. I had nothing to apologize for. This phone call was a sample of my upbringing though, I'm so conditioned to it, it's hard not to do what I've been educated to do (i.e. apologize).

My therapist said the same thing, "you've never had a family". But growing up with ice cold parents, I really fucking wanted one. It's hard to give up. Thanks for being there, though. We're now Trauma Bros I guess. I'll have a beer to celebrate.

>>36367391
>or maybe it'll be easier for me to work without.

It won't. Like sorting out M'n'M's without seeing colours and without having a word for colours.

You need a map, models, definitions, all we have accumulated so far, don't start from scratch.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

>>36367440

That's all right. It just means we've come lose to the heart of the matter. You did well.

We will see each other again, I hope.

>>36367489
probably started the day I decided complaining wasn't worth it 5-7 I can't let go of my stoicism and can't even be weak to myself

>>36367486
>I scored 1/20 and 0/20 on the test.

No OCD then.

>I must've taken like 1000 selfies these past two months just to see what i look like.

Turn these into reps in a work out and you'll most likely end up looking fitter. You're obsessed at this point.

>I wish i could stop caring what my hair looked like, but i can't. I want it to look as good as possible, and i want to hide my bald spot on the side.

You have a bald spot on the side? Have you been to a hairdresser?

>when i start hanging out with some of my old friends again.

Yes, do that! As soon as possible!

>This year i got a plastic surgery, a short haircut, better clothes and i started growing out my facial hair a bit. I look better than i ever have before and i honestly shouldn't be whining, but still i have these problems.

Plastic surgery? What did you get?

It sounds like positive moves, on the whole, but since it's not the heart of the problem, they don't solve it.

Do you feel like your parents know who you are as a person?

>>36367490

You will get help, and things will get better, OK?

Hang in there for now. I recommend these things to calm down:

>cold water, cold anything
>splash water on your self, face, etc
>even put your head under the tap, not too cold, but maybe very cold will help

Any physical stimulation will take the attention off your mind and on your body. I did this stuff often during panic attacks.

>>36367515

Makes perfect sense. Your father was not a good father if you felt so bad around him. I had the same type, and then some.

Many of your issues, of not all, stem from not being able to build yourself as a full, confident person when you were a little kid. You now have to play chess without any pawns.

It's time to grow some pawns, then.

>>36367562

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder

Last line of first section. It'll be official in the ICD-11.

The DSM might follow suit in its next edition.

>>36367625
I hope you're right about the others reacting like the other two. Aside from them, there's only two other line cooks, and the head chef, who wouldn't care at all as long as I was doing my job correctly. I especially hate how he only harasses me when there isn't much work to do, but when we're busy, he'll take my orders. It really shows how he doesn't even think about it. I'm not sure I want to take legal action, I'm hoping the others will just stand up for me and help him realise what he's doing

>>36367631
>it's hard not to do what I've been educated to do

Boy, do I know that. I hear you out loud. The only contact I allow my parents is by writing, and I respond in ways that I know are absolute capital sins in their world. It takes a lot to actually do it.

> I really fucking wanted one. It's hard to give up. Thanks for being there, though. We're now Trauma Bros I guess. I'll have a beer to celebrate.

Me too. I wanted to create my own happy family, and I was about to, and everything collapsed. I lost both my past familiy, because it never existed, my current one, because we're only at war now, and my future one, as I won't have a wife and children anymore.

Shit's fucking hard.

But I have my Trauma Bros now.

Your therapist is right. Must be a good one.

>>36367823

In all my years alive i swear I have never ever opened up to anyone about my problems, plus even if i did i felt as if they wouldn't understand the tangled mess that is my mental state, thanks for the rlly accurate analysis of my problems tho.

Also >It's time to grow some pawns, then.
Im sorry what do you mean?

>>36367486
You sound to me like you think a whole lot. Way too much.
I don't think you're going to gain confidence by thinking things through, or obsessing over them (do you do that?). The heart of the problem is whatever is allowing you to feel insecure about yourself. Changing your appearance won't work much unless you also act on why you're feeling insecure. As far as I can tell, insecurity kinda just holds on to anything it can, and makes you obsess over it.
The root cause is insecurity itself. I don't like to give advice to people I don't know, cause it's risky from a psychological standpoint, but in my opinion you should focus more on who you are when you're alone and less on socializing.
Your aim is to always be the person you are when you're alone, more or less.
I'm not sure how to get there. It depends on your profile and backgrounds and a lot of things and I am but a modest psychologist. Really though, the solution is in who you are when you are alone.

>>36367693
>I can't let go of my stoicism and can't even be weak to myself

Thing is, that position might be a greater weakness. It takes more strength to "be weak" than it does to keep it all in and go to waste.

Any traumatic past or cold parents?

>>36367905
You sound like you deserve peace, and a peaceful family. I wish you the best.

>>36367871
>I hope you're right about the others reacting like the other two.

These were guys who bullied you, 66% of them have now changed their minds and feel like shit for it. One is a fucking crazy fucker and if he's dumb enough to tell others, they'll look at him like he's the fucking devil.

>I'm not sure I want to take legal action, I'm hoping the others will just stand up for me and help him realise what he's doing

You don't even need to go that far: you need to inform yourself on harrassment laws in your country/state, figure out what can be done, and then just tell me, and send me links to the relevant info, and I can write you a nice little letter informing this fucker that he must leave you alone.

An official threat should do the trick. You can always talk this out with your boss. There are options. I don't want you harrassed.

>>36367910
>In all my years alive i swear I have never ever opened up to anyone about my problems, plus even if i did i felt as if they wouldn't understand the tangled mess that is my mental state, thanks for the rlly accurate analysis of my problems tho.

I know. A huge part of why I'm here is because I know, I've been there, and nobody helped me. The only thing I can do now is help others with my hard-earned knowledge and condition.

>Also >It's time to grow some pawns, then.
Im sorry what do you mean?

It's time to grow the defenses you never had as a person. Your parents should have given you better weapons and made you strong, but that didn't happen. It's not too late.

Do you know how to play chess?

>>36368038
>nobody helped me

i try , desu

>>36367990
>You sound like you deserve peace, and a peaceful family. I wish you the best.

Thank you. I'm getting none of that any time soon, however.

>>36367933
ive shown emotion once and all I did was make a fool of myself

It was so autistic and gut wrenchingly cringy just reteling it would shake your jimjims

>it takes strength to be weak
I don't agree, many feel safe and obliged to show emotion yet they are bitches like those SJWs.

>>36368126

This will never get old. Sup, Nobo?

>>36368158
>ive shown emotion once and all I did was make a fool of myself
>It was so autistic and gut wrenchingly cringy just reteling it would shake your jimjims

Shake my jimshims real hard. Spill spaghetti all over my face, dirty boy. (I might be drinking way too much ice tea, sugar levels are going up and I'm feeling hyper as hell, hence the overuse of profanity today, I don't know.)

>I don't agree, many feel safe and obliged to show emotion yet they are bitches like those SJWs.

Showing emotion is very different from throwing a tantrum and crocodile tears. To those who are accustomed to showing emotions and use it to get what they want, it's a different thing. To those who are not accustomed to showing true emotions, that's hard and brave. You don't even have to show it to others, just express it in yourself.

Manipulatively showing emotions is a whole different ball game.

>>36368038

Nope never learnt how to play chess kek. Also I know i sound really stupid and im probably wasting your time here but what do you mean by defences? Im sorry that I don't understand

>>36368245

Not wasting my time at all.

When you're a kid, your parents interact with you in a way that makes you grow as a person. You learn to know yourself, develop your abilities, learn skills and tricks, learn things about the world, learn to love living, feel safe with your parents, etc.

This makes you feel good, safe, complete, etc. These are your defenses against the world. Your pawns (the line of foot soldiers before your important pieces at chess).

This is what you and I have been deprived of, amongst other things. It's like fighting in armor, except you don't have the armor, but everyone else has: life is super hard for you while others seems to swim in it. It makes you wonder, and you feel bad and lack confidence, because you don't realise you're not supposed to be without armor.

>>36367996
Thank you, I'll make sure to look it up

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>>36368228
sup,

tryed doing the 16 personality s quiz again. i always get a different result

>>36368348

Good.

Massive improvements since you first posted in the thread!

Leaps and bounds.

>leaves phone unattended, freaks, is OK again
>trusts roomies
>faces the past
>faces boss
>faces workmates, like a boss
>faces going to therapy

You're a champion at life, I must say. You've done so much in such a short amount of time. Be proud, you earned it.

>>36368344

aahh i understand now, i was always stuck in an eternal pit of self loathing and blaming my self for everything thats wrong with my life, honestly i always thought that my dad was trying to get whats best for me but I always fucked that up, i didnt want to blame anyone else because i thought that would be pathetic wouldnt be responsible, but atleast now i know where some of my problems stem from i guess i should'nt be so hard on myself all the time

>>36368397

How come your responses change so much? That's interesting.

>>36368434
>i guess i should'nt be so hard on myself all the time

Exactly.

Before I learned about child psychology, I thought the influence of parents was minor; I also thought I had a good upbringing, despite hating my parents for my entire teen years; I thought it was usual teenage stuff, though I was no usual teen.

Now everything makes far more sense. And this isn't a way to blame one's parents for one's mistakes: it's seeing who did what, why, and how, so that we can take our power back and rebuild ourselves to live productive lives that we enjoy, as it should be.

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>>36368444
i'm never the same person two days in a row

>>36368481

>"I thought the influence of parents was minor; I also thought I had a good upbringing, despite hating my parents for my entire teen years; I thought it was usual teenage stuff, though"

thats pretty much what i was like throughout my teen years. I always thought i was being a self pitying fag if removed any small amount of the blame off of me

All in all thanks for giving words and explanations to the problems Im facing i always knew they where there like a nagging feeling but couldn't quite describe it.

>>36368519

Do you suffer from DID too?

>>36368564

Trust that nagging feeling. In doubt, what you feel will be on the money, even if everything else tells you something else.

>be me walking to car
>old people stopped on the pavement with their dog so i cant get around them
>old couple eventually get out my way and the man tuts and says 'maybe you should learn to be pacient' as i walk past him
>i reply 'maybe you shouldnt block the fucking path then you thick. fucking. cunt.'
>at that point i fucking snap and launch my phone at the wall behind him
>throw my bag and coat into the road for some reason and start shouting abuse at this old couple about 4 inches away from their faces
>old guy starts to say abuse back so i push him and he slipped on some grass and fell over on the pavement
>come to my senses and eveyine is looking at me, traffic has stopped because my bag is in the road and all the shit has come out of it all over the road

that was so fucking embarrasing and i feel so fucking ashamed of what i did. things like this seem to happe. to me every day

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This probably won't help, but, I've got nothing better to do.

I don't feel human. I feel alienated, ostracized. I stopped leaving the house. Sure, I'm friendly and chatty with anyone who walks through the door, but, I know its a lie. That's not the person I am.
I don't even try to hide the fact that I'm little more than a ghost. Yet, people believe my bullshit. People believe that I'm okay. That I'm getting better.
I wasn't always like this, so, maybe they're right. Of course, maybe they aren't. I've had to do a lot of things just to shut people up, to get them to leave me alone. When I was younger, I would spend every waking minute not in school playing vidya. I blocked out the fist fights and drugs in my home life. At least, I thought I did.
My parents would always hassle me about my social life. I just kind of went along. I did what I was told. Maybe because of some type of indoctrinated loyalty, maybe because it was easier, maybe even because I thought it was fun. I could try and fool all my school-mates into thinking that I had out-grown my "quiet phase".

I don't really know why I went along, why I didn't put my foot down and tell them to fuck off. I should have, but I didn't. After a few failed relationships, I managed to make a right pariah out of myself. A weirdo. Someone you didn't look in the eye. After I graduated, I tried college for a year. Everyone there knew exactly what they wanted. They were determined, and I was just following orders. My parents had started growing apart then, thankfully they were too pre-occupied to care about me dropping out. A fucking blessing.
They split up a few months ago and my father knows that he fucked up. I'm trying to fix me, but I don't really want to be fixed. That feeling of alienation has become my only defining personality trait. Anything else is simply a need to please.

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>>36368579
no i don't think so. schizoid with some bpd maybe. get an assessment in may. not really sure what i expect or if i will even be able to tell them anything.

>>36368752

You do well to bring this up. As you feel, this isn't normal.

I'd say events like this tap into a very rich storage of anger in you, and that's how it comes out.

Do you have other types of violent mood switches or only anger?

>>36368430
And a lot of it is thanks to you. I'm about to go to my first session now, I'll tell you how it went afterwards

>>36368790
>This probably won't help, but, I've got nothing better to do.

It will.

It seems pretty clear to me, but I want to be sure.

What sort of interaction did you have with your parents as a child?

Do you remember feeling good when they were around? Playing and having fun?

>>36368804

I don't remember what you told me about your past; did we ever discuss it at length? (If we did, I will remember once you tell me the gist of it.)

>>36368887

I'm hyped! Can't wait to know how that goes. Have no fear and let it all out!

>>36365702
You seem to understand the concept, but what is stopping you? Nothing wrong with loving yourself, it's not selfish at all. You will be doing us a favor in fact.

>A very dependent way of loving oneself, and part of the problem. When I started having enemies, I felt cancelled. Permanently. Many of those turned out not to like me, many others don't really know me, though I do find help in my few friends.
I am sure people would at least feel sad if you were gone. As cliche as it may sound, we're all really connected.

>I eat OK and I work out regularly, but I have completely given up on house-cleaning. I used to be a clean freak, now I live in a junkyard of sorts, and I just can't do anything about it.
I sometimes think there's no point in cleaning if it's going to become messy anyways.

>>36368979
>You seem to understand the concept, but what is stopping you? Nothing wrong with loving yourself, it's not selfish at all. You will be doing us a favor in fact.

It's hard to explain. I'm trying to find some analogy. OK, got one, maybe. Suppose you paint something. When it's done, do you give yourself compliments? "Nice job, me!" No, because it feels empty, since you made it yourself.

It only counts when others do it. That's how I feel about self-love. It really doesn't make sense to me. I can only take care of myself if I know myself to be useful for others. I was perfect to take care of my loved one in part for this reason. She was not always easy to love, but she always had a good heart. I can't love myself, but I don't hate myself, either, anymore. I'm just completely neutral to my own person. My love and care is only for others, where it makes sense, and the only love and care I can enjoy is those of others, where it makes sense too.

>I am sure people would at least feel sad if you were gone. As cliche as it may sound, we're all really connected.

Yes, but I often thing it's a minor thing, like it wouldn't be a big deal.

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>>36368957
no i don't believe we did. i only spoke in depth about myself on my first visit. It was towards the end, only facet was here. i got paranoid and deleted my posts so only he knows about me.