Psychological Issues #35

>>36347338
>Do you feel like there will always be something missing
I'm not sure. I think I do feel that way, but I hope I don't. I think I do, though.

I have no faith whatsoever.

>>36347403

Was it always like this or a new thing?

>>36347415
Also hard to tell. I don't recall constantly and consistently feeling this way until I went through several disenchanting years of graduate school.

>>36347338
several reason for why am i suicidal
too autistic to talk a grill that i have a crush on but im pretty sure she already knows im a fucking idiot on most occasions
been lazy to fucking study for once and will probaly ruin my life so
the shit i want to do when i graduate would be near impossible to achieve here
lets not forget the /pol/ redpills and the shit state my country is in
help me doc

>>36347452

What happened during those years?

>>36347460
>pretty sure she already knows im a fucking idiot on most occasions

Maybe your perception is much more negative than hers.

> lazy to fucking study

Lazy or unmotivated?

>the shit i want to do when i graduate would be near impossible to achieve here

What would that be?

>help me doc

You're here now, don't worry.

>>36347536
My boss never recognized when I put in effort, regardless of how hard I tried. Responsibilities were piled upon me without any increase in pay. I observed the professors, both new and old, slowly wilting as academia crushed them. I did well to not complain for a long time, but after a few years of it, the levee broke.

Science was supposed to be my dream, my life, and it turns out the way you do science is by stumbling through endless layers of politics while you beg and plead for funding. It's just not worth it. So what now.

>>36347664
sorry, forgot name in the name field.

>>36347664

I had a workmate like that. What do you think of teaching?

>>36347575
>Maybe your perception is much more negative than hers.
maybe.its just that up untill the 10th grade ( last year now btw) i was acting like a complete retard, did all sorts of autistic and edgy shit like fucking smaked some retards head to a wall and broke my history teachers closet maybe its not that im afraid to alk to her but im too ashamed to do it
>Lazy or unmotivated?
i dont even know anymore man, almost never did homework, would rarely pick a book and only when it was necesery
>What would that be?
im really in to all sorts of fire arms, explosives an shieet, even made some in past but since im sucha lazybones and my grades aint too good i can only dream of being an engineer ,but there is no weapons industry here anyway

there is this girl im friends with, who I have a strangely turbulent relationship with, its not romantic, but it is strange. the first time we met she yelled at me for making some autistic rape joke (I was an edgy freshman) four years later and now were sort of friends. my friend group kinda morphed amd expanded a bit over the years, and hers kind of blew up from their weird petty drama, so she just mostly hangs out with a couple of my friends and me. she knows at one point I liked her, and said if she was looking for a relationship, I would be the first pick. shes kind of mean and a bit of an environment nazi, but shes kind of cool and usually willing to go with things. We sit next to eachother in a couple classes (by our own choice) and are honestly two VERY different people, but she usually initiates conversation with me. she also tells me and some of my other friends about her escapades on tinder, pretty often. I know that may be a lot of incoherent rambling, but I just dont understand why she wants to talk to me if she expresses her moderate dislike of me to my friends. Its not like Im one of those "pivotal friend group members" that you kind of have to be friends with. for all intensive purposes, she should want nothing to do with me, and she already kinda doesnt like me, she goes out of her way to talk to me. what the hell is going on?

>>36347719
Teaching as a concept is a great thing, obviously. Teaching as a practice, when you are confined at every turn to teach using ineffective methods and outdated info, is an absolute nightmare. Tutoring isn't too bad since I can do it exactly how I want, but teaching... I honestly don't understand how every teacher doesn't feel like I do.

>>36347804
urgh, name......

>>36347338
You had a 24 hour ban since last thread.
Do you remember? (aboos, violence, locking up)

What do to function in society?

>>36347338
*grabs imaginary can*
>here have a Pepsi
*everyone cheering*
>so how was your day (Anon)Nick?

>>36347764

You speak English, how about doing an internship somewhere else? I'm sure you have options.

>>36347932
if i get admited im planing to go to a military academy first only then i will try my luck with engineering, the problem is as i said military industry here is almost nonexistant and i dont want to work outside my country

>>36347792
>for all intensive purposes,

I love that stuff.

>she goes out of her way to talk to me. what the hell is going on?

Could be a tsundere, maybe she really likes you a whole lot more but doesn't want to be the one taking the first step, maybe she likes being chased first. She gave you a sign:

"she knows at one point I liked her, and said if she was looking for a relationship, I would be the first pick."

Most people want a relationship. So, she may want you. Simple.

If not, she wants you as an option.

The Tinder escapades, if it's sexcapades, I'd be very cautions about her.

If I were you, and if you're interested in her, I'd just try.

Also, details on:

>shes kind of mean

>>36347804

Private lessons and tutoring, that could be a thing. You may also look for private schools who may use less strict methods and let you do your thing.

I tend to think your job isn't the only thing, though, and that even with a great job, you might still incomplete; what do you think?

>>36347855

That was 3 or 4 threads ago, I think. I think we did two threads yesterday, or the day before. Getting very popular.

How are you?

To function in society, you must first function as a person. Have you had any new thoughts since last time?

>>36347857

Visited some of the few people left in my family. Saw my nephews.

How about you?

>>36347989

Can you do other sorts of engineering?

>>36348166
plz be more specific

>>36348193

Weapons isn't the only type of engineering you could do. Are you interesting in civil engineering, or vehicles, or factory machines, etc?

>>36348220
nah ive been fascinated with the military since i was a kid and would always try to make some shit
from bunkers in the woods to pipe bombs and slam shotguns and other dangerous shit

>>36348105
I think I have repressed and locked away seething hatred for so long that it is an inexorable part of me, I hold it prisoner and it holds me prisoner in turn.
I have done this successfully for so long that it has destroyed me and now I have become far too detached from normalcy to function.
It does not allow having a value system at all basically. I'm emotionally flat after all of it, nothing truly fazes me because nothing external has any value.
Fortunately I am not past the age where the emotional experience of things can lead it to spiral out of control. I am not bothered, not in distress I do not experience intrusive thoughts so long as I can maintain my isolation on my own terms without excessive intrusions.

I don't think there is a way out of this at this point, it's either Seethe or me or we may be as one and just forget about functioning.

I'd like to know what you make of this, this is not the kind of thing I can discuss face to face with psychiatrists and psychologist, I can't bring myself to.

>>36348291

Can you study that in your country?

>>36348354
>I'd like to know what you make of this,

I'd like to refresh my memory before telling you this; do you remember which thread you first posted in? I'll be looking anyway, but if you do, let me know.

>>36348360
its very limited right now, it probaly doesnt go beyond simple explosives military infrastructure and drones and ofcourse firearms

>>36348166
Just saw an interesting reddit link in another post for dating. Gotta say really bumped my mood, I'll check it out when I get home. Now I'm at my parents and just browsing /r9k/ as I usually do when I'm here.

Did you sort anything out in your family with that trip of yours?

I was in a relationship with a girl that ended about 8 months ago. I loved her very much, we were in love. I had to go to college, ans she couldn't handle distance, ao we ended up breaking up (which might have been coerced by the "friends" I left behind from high school. She ended up dating one of them for a few months.) I wasn't in a very good state psychologically, and I did/said some things that weren't great. Never abused her, never was violent. We dated for a year and four months.

Now I'm almost done with my first year of college. Haven't talked to her since the break-up. I'll have to go back home for the summer. I still care about her, I could fall back in love with her. I've changed as a person vastly, but I don't know if shw would ever take me back. I mean, she's not the only woman I'll ever love, but we had a good thing going. I'm confident that I would be much better for her now, but I feel like she might not see it or care. It's not that I haven't moved on; I tried with other girls here at the college, but never made a real connection. She's coming to school here next semester.

I want her back, I want to love her like she always deserved, deserves to be loved.

I just don't know what to think or do.

>>36348427

And any other kind of engineering isn't your thing at all?

Would you be bothered at all by the idea of designing things that people use to kill other people?

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>>36347338
How do GF?

>>36348421
A quick search through your archives:
https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36210653/

>>36348476
yeah as i said weapons are my thing, there was few time when i and my friend whos only slighly less interested almost blew up, dad even commented once that if the russians came i would be great saboteur, but he also complains a lot about me but thats another topic

>>36348454
>Did you sort anything out in your family with that trip of yours?

Thought you meant my tripfagging trip at first, kek. No, I went there to celebrate Easter, sorta. I bought them a chocolate bunny, had fun with my nephew and niece, and talked about our family at large. Pretty dramatic and sad all around. A collection of crazy and fucked up.

I learned a few new things too, like my mother would park me outside of supermarkets, in my pram, as a baby, so she could shop alone. I don't know any mother who'd do such a thing, but hey...

>>36348018
>intensive purposes
whoops, sickbrain is gettin to me

Definetly not sexcapades, she not like that

>shes kind of mean

she kinda likes to take the moral high ground (being a vegitarian, composting, eating healthy going to womens protests) and acts somewhat condesending to those who dont do that (not all the time, shes tolerable) we definetly butt heads about that, which makes me wonder why she wants anything to do with me at all.

our friendship is strangely turbulent, yet stable. she'll chew me out for saying that her parents wasted 4 years on art school and then we just act like nothing happened the next day. Or she'll be mad about something and i'll explain why there is no real reason to be upset, and she'll pretty much start crying, then boom, next day were just like normal, we dont really talk about it, we dont ignore it either.

she switches from good traits to bad ones so often, I cant honestly be mad at her for long

bitchy to carring
annoying to fun
selfish to helpful
concieted to sympatheic

I sort of understand how I feel, I just have no idea how she does.

>>36348462
>I've changed as a person vastly, but I don't know if shw would ever take me back.

Make that if YOU would ever take her back.

> I'm confident that I would be much better for her now, but I feel like she might not see it or care.

But would she be better for YOU now?

>I want her back, I want to love her like she always deserved, deserves to be loved.

We're talking about a woman who decided to leave you and date a friend of yours because you were studying away.

I feel like you idealise her. I don't know enough to judge, but that's impression for now.

>>36348493

Be the kind of person that women are attracted to, don't worry so much about it, meet people, make friends, see what happens.

You can always try dating websites, but I have zero experience in those.

>>36348550
>but he also complains a lot about me but thats another topic

Surely an interesting one.

Are you studying currently?

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>>36347338
Evening Nick.

Had some what productive day today. Feeling pretty bad though.

>>36348698
last year in high school
(turned 18 this january but been lurkin since 2012-13)

>>36348570
Jeez man that's cold, my father was always distant but not like that. Only emotionally, really closed up, I'm pretty sure he still loves me and my bro but he doesn't show any signs of emotion at all... that makes it hard for me to figure out how to handle my emotions as well, but hey no-one is perfect.

>>36348507

OK, I've reread your posts, I remember the problematic now.

Are you still in touch with your brother now?

>>36348624

Does she have other odd traits? Does she like people then suddenly hate them? Does she cut off friends easily?

Does she rage?

>>36348717

Hello Nobo! What have you been up to today?

Why are you feeling bad?

>>36348753

Are you more interested in weapons or engineering?

>>36348636
Thanks for reading. The thing is, there's other fine details to her personality. She has bad anxiety. She's very easily influenced by media and the opinions of her peers. (I was really good for her in this respect; I don't bend to that shit.) Hence why I think the "friends" coerced her; she had an empathic connection to one of them, out of pity, really. The guy isn't handsome, smells like shit, and wears the same three outfits every week. He comes from a bad home. They broke up a few weeks ago.

She didn't *want* to leave me; hell, the day after the break up, she begged me to take her back. I didn't want to leave her.

As for idealization, I don't really think so. I mean, she wasn't perfect -
I had to put up with plenty.

I would absolutely take her back. The good was more than worth the bad. I've never smiled like I did when she was by my side.

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Evening everyone. On review, yesterday evening/ night was quite eventful. Or at least, it might amuse you.

So first I was at the pub with my brother. That all went smoothly. Then we invited my mother out. I have my issues with her to say the least. At this point, someone starts messaging me; a girl who speaks not to me in order to relive her own abuse. So there I am ignoring my mother, whom I have come hate, with a raging erection under the table while 'I' discuss someone else's incest issues.

So that was that chapter. Then, later on I was here for a short while, comfy time, mild shift into 'her'.

After that though, I went to sleep and had what may have been the hunter's dream: the girl who 'made' me a sadist. We were on a boat on a lake, so she had nowhere to go. She was behaving in an infantile manner; submissive. Controlled. However, things took a sexual turn and it wasn't violent but loving. Odd really. Then I awoke.

Finally, and most interestingly: I was posting in these threads, and someone pointed out to me that the angel had been alluding a lot to Islam and Allah. I looked back over the thread and it was true. I was horrified. Perhaps it speaks poorly of me, but I was. Then I screamed awake, only to find myself paralysed. A great dark figure wrapped its arm around me, silencing me with "Shh...shh...shh...", a hush that sounded more like a snake, mocking rather than comforting. I broke out of the sleep paralysis as I've learned to do, and the illusion was shattered.

So there you go, a pretty full-on DID day. Covered all the bases really.

>>36348796
No I haven't seen him in two years or so.
Why?

>>36348874

OK. Then go for it. If she feels the same, it'll be great.

>>36348875
>a girl who speaks not to me in order to relive her own abuse. So there I am ignoring my mother, whom I have come hate, with a raging erection under the table while 'I' discuss someone else's incest issues.

I have to ask: for whom does the boner bone?

>>36348873
how do i put this
i really like asembling them, my dad owns a m4 22lr and he has no idea how to field strip it and would leave the cleaning to me, so i alway dissasemble it to the last nut and screw (exept for the trigger group since there is no need to clean much there and the many springs would be a pain in the ass to reasemble) when i save up enough money for materials im planing on building my own shotgun from scrap

>>36348875
>things took a sexual turn and it wasn't violent but loving.

Loving sex... man, do you ever roll that way?

>So there you go, a pretty full-on DID day. Covered all the bases really.

I wonder how tiring this stuff is to you.

>>36348900

Two years, long time. I assume you sort of hate each other?

>>36348997

Are you familiar with that free game on Steam, where you can assemble weapons?

I messed around with an AK47 back in the day.

>>36349054
yeah but i never tried it

>>36349018
>Loving sex... man, do you ever roll that way?
Now and again I try it, either for the sake of novelty, for a change or because I think I should. It's not really me.

>I wonder how tiring this stuff is to you.
The whole thing felt like a filler episode desu. Nothing major happened, and a lot of the big stuff happened while I was sleeping i.e. no consequences. No mess to clear up means it was a good day. I can look over all that stuff and laugh about it.

>>36349083

You'd like it, I'm sure. It's free.

>>36349091
>It's not really me.

"That ain't me." *Pulls out screwdrivers and chains*

Do you actually cheat on your partner? I always wonder.

>>36348839
she isnt quick to cut people off, and if she is upset, she doesnt rage

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>>36348854
Not much just tided my room, Productive by my standards.

No reason in particular, just one of those days.

>>36349165

Can she switch moods in a way that is so fast that it's weird to you?

>>36349026
Actually no, if only it were that simple.
He functions on such a low level that it doesn't work like that, he was actually quite fond of me, he just could not control his tantrums, function like a 1,5 year old mentally in a strong body, constantly tensing but I had quite a bond with him because I could 'feel' how he felt better than anyone and he is like a child stuck in a broken body, he can not express himself at all and it drove him mad a lot but I learned to tell what was going on in his mind, what he was fixating on, what was eating at him and he knew that and therefor was quite affectionate towards me when he was not having a tantrum or provoking. It was all over the place, there were times when we clawed at each other for dear life and wanted to murder the other and there were times when he found solace in being understood by the person who could understand him the most.

Either way, to me that chapter is closed and to him as well. I have no further interest in seeing him again and it holds nothing forward for me.

>>36349188
>Productive by my standards.

Very. I used to be a clean freak, and now I live in a postapocalyptic setting. It's sad.

>>36349206
>I had quite a bond with him because I could 'feel' how he felt better than anyone and he is like a child stuck in a broken body, he can not express himself at all and it drove him mad a lot but I learned to tell what was going on in his mind, what he was fixating on, what was eating at him and he knew that and therefor was quite affectionate towards me

That's intense. Gave me chills. He must have loved you like he loved nobody else.

I feel sad that you don't intend to see him anymore. I mean, if he can't express himself, are you so sure he doesn't want to see you again? Is he in an institution?

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>>36347338
hi Nick, how are you doing today
i havent slept in 3 days, literally.
it started with a party that ended at 5 am but even then i couldnt fall asleep.
walls seem like they are breathing again

>>36349151
In the past, I've been unfaithful. However, I'm with my longest term partner and thus on my longest monogamy stint in my life.

>>36349277

Damn, you need to sleep! What's keeping you up so much? I couldn't function with no sleep in 3 days.

That can't be good.

>>36349309

Would she approve of the girl you were boning over at the bar, though?

Brother and his wife showed me pictures of their wedding, which I had attended, and my loved one was there with me, so I saw photos of my loved one in a classy dress. She looks ill at ease on many photos, and happy and smiling at me on some others.

It broke my heart and I had to make an effort to keep it together. What's left of my family, my brothers, have no idea of how things are on my side.

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>>36349317
>What's keeping you up so much?
suicidal thoughts and the fact that the world around me seems unreal, like a dream

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>>36349218
I have only recently discovered the benefits of a clean spacious habitat.

I am shedding my hording ways.

>>36349413

I feel bad because I don't remember your details too well.

I tend to congregate people with similar issues.

I don't remember if you see a psychiatrist or not, if you're medicated or not.

I feel shame, because I'm sure you told me.

>>36349447

That's great! I can't do this myself because it feels pointless now that my loved one is gone, and her stuff is everywhere, and I can't touch it anymore. I break down in tears every 5 minutes if I try to sort out her things.

>>36347338
>XXXVI
>1. Use a name. In the namefield.
>2. Share your problems, ask questions.
>3. Be listened to, cared for, and maybe even get some answers and more.
>4. I sometimes skip posts accidentally; if this happens to you, kindly write a second post linking the first, informing me that I forgot your post. I don't do it on purpose.

>>36349269
He is taken care of by my parents who have pretty much dedicated the last 27 years to him, no sacrifice was too great for them to take care their poor poor defenseless handicapped son, it's admirable of them but the fact is the situation was not manageable in the slightest, keeping him home for far too long because they refused to hand him over to institutions because they knew he would not get what he needed there but would rather just get pumped full of drugs to keep him sedated. No institution is keen on 24/7 1 on 1, even if he brings a large budget they would put him in a group to save costs, my parents knew he would escalate and then he would be pumped full of drugs and he would be miserable so they kept him home for far too long.
Now they have hired their own personnel and his own apartment and he is happy and stable with far fewer tantrums, they still have trouble finding durable staff for him but it's manageable and my parents can have somewhat of a life finally.

>I feel sad that you don't intend to see him anymore. I mean, if he can't express himself, are you so sure he doesn't want to see you again? Is he in an institution?

I understand your sentiments but you must understand that the situation with my brother endured at my expense and it has completely and utterly ruined my life. There is no point to it, I have not meaningfully progressed beyond locking myself in my room, I do it to this day as the only thing I am drawn to do.

>>36349506

Yes?

>>36349521

I understand. Your parents should have called for help; they were not fit to take care of your brother, and they damaged you in the process.

With all the professionals you saw, did you ever feel any progress?

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>>36349474
>I feel shame, because I'm sure you told me.
no need to feel bad. you're talking to a lot of people. its normal

I go to a psychiatrist. Ive been diagnosed schizophrenia and treatment resistant depression. im on 40mg zoloft and 25mg olanzapine.
one of my delusions (the one that more less persists to this day) is that im in a dream, a simulation of sorts. also that im some sort of christ figure and that several holy texts refer metaphorically to my situation in this world. its hard to explain

>>36349622
>is that im in a dream, a simulation of sorts.

As in derealisation or literally as in you think we're in the Matrix?

Do the meds help?

>Zoloft

I took a small dose of it and it made me badtrip for hours, absolute hell, and no doctor believed me.

Tell me more about the Christic stuff.

>>36348061
Yeah, I might. There is definitely more to life than a job.

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Guys, I won't be able to stay very long tonight. I have an appointment tomorrow, therapy, hour and a half, long session. At my request.

I've received a long e-mail from a dear friend tonight. Bit hyped here.

We should organise ourselves so you guys don't have to wait for me to gather. A thread outside the thread.

Here's my suggestion: use pic related when you want to summon the rest of the gang. Then speak of anything you want.

For archive purposes, call it "Psychological Issues, Unofficial Thread" or something of the sort.

>>36349791

Tell me about your parents.

Tell the rest of the thread how I fucked up big time and posted this thread on /pol/ by accident...

>>36349802
Are you still here? It's the first time i post in one of these threads so i'll try to make it quick if you want

>>36349842

I'm right here, take your time. I'll announce ahead of time before I leave. Don't worry.

>>36349599
>Your parents should have called for help; they were not fit to take care of your brother, and they damaged you in the process.

They did, we moved around trying to find an instution for him that they could entrust him with but it took so many years that it no longer meant anything to me, I was long past destroyed by the time they got anywhere, they've struggled for over 20 years, law suits, obsessive tracking of his well being, conflicts with personnel, they got multiple managers and directors fired etc etc.

>With all the professionals you saw, did you ever feel any progress?

The core issue was never resolved, it was just band-aiding with medications as maintenance to make sure I would not escalate and for that purpose it worked, it also got me disability and the means to be independent which I greatly appreciate.

My introspective world is hard to discuss face to face, it's an abstract visualization of how I've experienced it all and it is through that way of experiencing that I process things, I could never bring myself to tell them how I perceived it for fear of being committed against my will.
I can't tell someone face to face that Seethe has destroyed my inner being and that we are now each others tormented and tormentor or prisoner and guard.

No real progress in this impasse but around that issue professional help did prevent worse.

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>>36349874
>They did, we moved around trying to find an instution for him that they could entrust him with but it took so many years that it no longer meant anything to me, I was long past destroyed by the time they got anywhere, they've struggled for over 20 years, law suits, obsessive tracking of his well being, conflicts with personnel, they got multiple managers and directors fired etc etc.

That sounds awfully more complicated than it should have been. I knew someone who had a son like this, and a normal daughter, and as soon as his tantrums became too much, he was institutionalised. No complications.

Multiple managers fired? Were you parents trying to find a place for your brother or were they using it as a source of drama?

>I can't tell someone face to face that Seethe has destroyed my inner being and that we are now each others tormented and tormentor or prisoner and guard.

I'm not sure we discussed this before, if we did I'm sorry I don't remember well. Do you suffer from DID?

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>>36349687
>As in derealisation or literally as in you think we're in the Matrix?
as in literally i thought we were in a Matrix-like world
>>36349687
>Do the meds help?
they do actually, i dont hear voices anymore but when i lack sleep i start having mild hallucinations again, the delusions start to reappear and the suicidal thoughts get stronger

>>36349687
>I took a small dose of it and it made me badtrip for hours, absolute hell, and no doctor believed me.
i havent had too many or too bad side effects, a bit of weight gain, low libido. but i also dont feel it helps with my depression

>>36349687
>Tell me more about the Christic stuff.
well i thought the relationship between god and christ in the bible was a sort of metaphor of god (the me that's dreaming) with jesus (the me that's being dreamed and lives in this world). after all if my world is contained in his world his head he would be a sort of creator. being the true jesus i thought i had a responsability to wake up the rest of the people who were just another part of my psyche. a kind of solipsism except im not real either. i also read orphic texts and taught some poems about dionysus were a message warning me my brothers were trying to kill me (the titans kill dionysus)

also the concept of "the world of the ideas" from plato reinforced my belief that this wasnt the real world but a cheap copy.

i apologize if my message is too long

>>36349339
She uses an ERP/ slashfic forum. That in mind, I can live with myself

>>36349958

Your messages are never too long, don't worry.

This is very interesting stuff.

How do you view your delusions? Do you feel like they're sometimes real and sometimes not?

>>36350002
>She uses an ERP/ slashfic forum. That in mind, I can live with myself

I'll assume that means "No."

Also, what is an ERP slashfic forum?

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>>36349802
>Cultural appropriation of my joke

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>>36350033
i got them under control i think. i still wonder if im just inside a dream and the constant decomposition is only a reflection of the dreamer's brain gradually desintegrating and thus the dream becoming unstable.

but i think the important thing is i refuse to be a Christ figure now. Before i embraced it and it got me in a lot of trouble.

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>>36350101

Great Pepe.

>>36350165
>Before i embraced it and it got me in a lot of trouble.

I'd love to know how.

I'd also love to have a drink with you in some bar and hear you talk about your art. It'd be fascinating.

>>36349950
>That sounds awfully more complicated than it should have been.

It's more complicated, the issue was not being able to have him institutionalized but having him institutionalized somewhere where he would get treated well and not 'cost-effective'.
They were obsessive over his well-being, they went as far as giving him a gps tracker to see if the personnel would follow the program set out for him each day for example.

>I'm not sure we discussed this before, if we did I'm sorry I don't remember well. Do you suffer from DID?

We have not.
I just read a bit about it and it does seem like it might fit but I have other diagnoses, SPD, asperger, brief psychotic disorder and ADD.
I've always been on my guard with psychologists and psychiatrist, kept this hidden or at least, filtered to sound less...comittable.

How would I go about finding out? I find the idea of telling that openly face to face impossible to actually go through with.

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>>36350204
>I'd love to know how.
ive been beaten, police has arrested me for disturbing the peace and i was institutionalized all because i was yelling about how the end was coming etc.

>>36350204
>I'd also love to have a drink with you in some bar and hear you talk about your art. It'd be fascinating.
kek you would get bored fast

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>>36350054
It's a place where you go to roleplay Cloud getting his boipucci pounded by Sephiroth

>>36350177
Topkek, nice dubs you are forgiven. Have a limited edition British Pepe. If you don't understand it, that just means I will have to make you watch a little Jeremy Kyle in cytube at some point.

>>36350259
>How would I go about finding out? I find the idea of telling that openly face to face impossible to actually go through with.

Practice here. In time, you might come to the idea of telling someone face to face easier.

I don't think you have Asperger's or ADD, but that's my thing. Could be wrong.

Tell me about "Seethe" and what happens exactly.

You may also know that our friend Facet has DID and he would be able to relate and inform you.

>>36350295
>trip
>Jezza rarest Pepe.jpg
>boipucci
>Topkek
>nice dubs you are forgiven
>limited edition British Pepe

whats your problem man

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>posting in /r9k/ meme psychology thread after paying hundreds of dollars to see a psychiatrist this morning
I posted in here a few weeks ago and it actually motivated me to see a professional again. As per usual, though, I left without any idea of what I really wanted to accomplish and a scrip for another round of amphetamine/SSRI/beta blockers.
I really liked the shrink too. He seemed like a smart guy, I was comfortable enough but he never really gave me the opportunity to talk about how fucked up I was, and I didn't want to offer it unsolicited because I'm hardwired to never admit anything is abnormal, so I maintained the "everything is basically ok, I'm just a little non-functional" facade. I can't bear to look at people who know how crazy I am.
Guess I'm permafucked, at least I'll go numb again.

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>>36350292
>ive been beaten, police has arrested me for disturbing the peace and i was institutionalized all because i was yelling about how the end was coming etc.

That's fascinating. Pic related.

>kek you would get bored fast

I wouldn't. I've read a bunch of books about paintings and it always interested me. I like your art, and being able to hear from the artist about his art, I'd listen to you for hours and I would enjoy it. Zero doubt about it.

>>36350295
>It's a place where you go to roleplay Cloud getting his boipucci pounded by Sephiroth

My loved one would love that shit.

> If you don't understand it, that just means I will have to make you watch a little Jeremy Kyle in cytube at some point.

My loved one loved that shit too. All we need is for Sephiroth to anally rape Jeremy Kyle on camera, while he goes "Oi oi oi mate".

>>36349856
Ok, thank you. I'll try to get straight to the point anyways.

I have spent my entire life as a social outcast due to a number of reasons. I eventually came to terms with it and it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but at times it's still quite a sting. A part of what caused that problem is that my sister's life is a trainwreck (basically she lives like a hobo, was caught by the police begging, is heavily into light drugs and her main activity is going to raves halfway across the nation and not letting neither me or my parents know whethether she is still alive or not, worrying them sick), and has been since she was about 13-14. Thus a very heavy (and very unwanted) responsibility came to me: to be best in everything so i wouldn't become like her, because my parents feel like they have failed in educating her.


This responsibility came almost exclusively from my mother: she got very demanding in everything, no good grade was good enough, it was incredibly hard to convince her to let me meet a friend et cetera et cetera. Eventually, of course, i cracked down under the weight of such an expectation as my school life (pretty much the only life i had/have) got worse and worse, and i am now failing at school. And it's not the only problem with my mother. When anything happens, and either no one's to blame or she herself is to blame, she will find a way to blame me and try to take out her anger on me or yell at me or make it about my grades or something. This, among other things, has brought me to depression, and looking back into my life, i found out that it's not like i have actually ever been happy either.

(cont.)

>>36350559
(cont'd)

Now i'm still depressed, alternating times of full-on sadness and suicidal feels and emotional numbness that can be compared to watching paint dry on a wall, but i have found something to give me a reason to continue living, even though it doesn't make my life any more worth of being lived, more enjoyable or less painful.

Holy fuck this was long and also took me a lot to write.

>>36350589
Post scriptum: i even forgot about one thing but i can save that for later or another time.

>>36350354
In this case, shitposting I suppose.

>>36350494
>Enough of the 'poor me' act! Get off your arse, put down the mako and take care of your clones!

>>36350259
If you would like to discuss it, I'd be happy to. If nothing else, it might be useful to you to share your experiences with someone else who's been through something similar.

>>36350339
The situation with my brother was inescapable, literally, the first time they dragged me to my room and locked me up I was in utter panic and feared the house would burn down with me in it while locked up or that they would forget about me. I adapted to this situation of utter powerlessness by distracting myself endlessly.

I wanted to change that situation so badly but I couldn't. I fantasized about murdering them all or just my brother or other schemes that would solve the situation violently quite often.
Because I was rendered powerless and simultaneously seething at the situation persisting this created Seethe. I was horribly depressed for years, when I got a little older in teens I found escapes in drugs and alcohol. I would destroy myself with these substances to show my displeasure and to briefly feel being released from the inescapable.

Seethe is all of that manifested internally and it has destroyed everything else internally in order to fulfill its purpose, all except for the endless standoff situation where I keep it locked inside. Seethe is a destroyer, the purpose of Seethe was to overcome the inescapable by destroying. It analyzes weaknesses with the greatest ease in other people, Seethe knows how to hurt another mentally like no one else, it has granted me great power but it has destroyed myself above all else. It's an endless conflict.

>>36350354
>whats your problem man

None of these things, trust me.

>>36350423

Do this: tell him exactly what you told me here. Just say it: "I can't bear to look at people who know how crazy I am."

Once you tell him that, the cat is out of the bag, and you're good to go, because he will then know about this and he will ask.

I wonder why he didn't give you the opportunity to speak, that's weird. My therapist speaks about 2% of the time. I rarely run out of things to say. Sometimes I shut up on purpose to get some reaction or question from her. I analyse myself otherwise, and see what she thinks of my own analysis.

Are you seeing this psychiatrist again soon?

>>36348875
It seems very outwardly expressed in you.
Do you grant it such control or does it occur involuntarily beyond your grip?

Do you show 'her'? How? Do you not fear that would just make it worse by acknowledging it as having agency inside your head?

>>36350812
Have you read my posts?

>>36350559

I'd say your sister is acting up because of your mother, quite possibly.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

Consider your mother in this light.

Then your sister in this one:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

>>36350589
>but i have found something to give me a reason to continue living

What is it?

>>36350624
>Enough of the 'poor me' act! Get off your arse, put down the mako and take care of your clones!

>YOU SHOULDA PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT, MATE.

>>36350812
>Are you seeing this psychiatrist again soon?
3 weeks, he wants to know how I react to the pilljews before he sees me.
>I wonder why he didn't give you the opportunity to speak, that's weird.
I had an opportunity to speak, but it just didn't seem to offer the opportunity to talk about any of the shit that actually rattles around my head.
He asked pretty targeted questions and it would have been really uncomfortable for me to deviate from straightforward. I have trouble with things like that.
I like the feeling when people look at me like a normal human being who still has hope so much, it actually makes it harder for me to become one.

>>36350827
I'm just used to it at this point. Sometimes yes, it's out of my control and that's something I've been working on. In general though, it's manageable. I do have the same anxieties that you do though: namely, when I'm not in control, especially with the more destructive facets I do have to run damage control and deal with a certain degree of dread over what could happen, and what potentially may already have happened. It has caused me some very significant problems in the past. I look back and realise that for years at a time, it wasn't me in control for most of it. All there is to do is try to reach some sort of consensus.

In your case, that may also work - try to work toward a common goal with Seethe, and he may cease being angry with the same ferocity. He's acting out of pain, after all.

>>36350684
>the first time they dragged me to my room and locked me up I was in utter panic and feared the house would burn down with me in it while locked up or that they would forget about me. I adapted to this situation of utter powerlessness by distracting myself endlessly.

This is so fucked up in so many ways. Honestly. Your parents are stranger than your brother.

>Seethe is a destroyer, the purpose of Seethe was to overcome the inescapable by destroying.

I might know another one like Seethe.

Are there others besides Seethe?

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>>36348662
>Be the kind of person that women are attracted to, don't worry so much about it, meet people, make friends

>>36350839

Yes, and I wrote responses. I'm responding in order, post by post. Apologies if I am too slow, I really do my best and fastest while not downgrading the quality of my responses.

>>36350922
>3 weeks, he wants to know how I react to the pilljews before he sees me.

So it's mostly meds, and not therapy.

>I like the feeling when people look at me like a normal human being who still has hope so much, it actually makes it harder for me to become one.

Why assume you're hopeless? Just let it all out, honestly. You risk nothing. If you like the psychiatrist, go ahead, tell him, and ask if you can do therapy with him, and see him once or twice a week or something.

>>36350881
I do know you tend to advise people to read up on narcissistc parents because of what happened with yours giving you some sort of bias about it, but i already have considered that and really doesn't fit the case. The most likely explanation on my mother's behavior, however, is that she was not very loved and especially not wanted by her parents (i know that for a fact).

Also my sister doesn't fit the BPD case either, no matter how much i look into that kind of disorder.

>>36350893
A political cause, and as a means for that i make use of my oratory skills

>>36351037
>giving you some sort of bias about it

The reason I advise people to read up on it isn't because of my own biases, but because there's always a very good chance that the parents in question may be narcissists, overt or covert. If not, then that's great, but it's always one thing to check up on before moving on.

>The most likely explanation on my mother's behavior, however, is that she was not very loved and especially not wanted by her parents (i know that for a fact).

Which fits with the model I suggested.

Thing is, what you told me of your mother also fits the model. Your mother does unfair, abusive things to you for no other reason than venting against you. She blames others for things that are her fault, etc. She may not be a grandiose narc (overt), but she still does things that shouldn't be done at all.

Tell me things about your mother that make her not fit the bill for a narc, I'm curious.

I hereby announce that I will be departing soon.

>>36351027
>So it's mostly meds, and not therapy.
I guess, I don't know. I never really know what I'm doing; my mom booked the visit.
>Why assume you're hopeless? Just let it all out, honestly. You risk nothing. If you like the psychiatrist, go ahead, tell him, and ask if you can do therapy with him, and see him once or twice a week or something.
I'm too afraid to do anything, even if I genuinely do risk "nothing." If I unleashed the inside of my head I don't know what would happen.
Everything I've ever done has gone so wrong that (at least subconsciously) it seems that I'd prefer horrible certainty over the unknown.

>>36350827
To elaborate a little more, as long as I'm in a safe environment I really don't mind sharing with her. However, almost as much as the others she's caused real problems for me when she's taken control without my consent. This typically happens if I'm in a fragile or impaired mental state. The most common of those are extreme stress, drunkenness or even sleep deprivation. The others can be more problematic.

>>36351300
I've felt bad for a long time, and I know I've got history of depression. But, I feel something else is bothering me, and that is feeling like a non-working person on a social and educational level. Should I seek professional help to diagnose me?

>>36351314
>I guess, I don't know. I never really know what I'm doing; my mom booked the visit.

How old are you?

>I'm too afraid to do anything, even if I genuinely do risk "nothing." If I unleashed the inside of my head I don't know what would happen.

You'd feel freer, for one, and you'd get better help.

>Everything I've ever done has gone so wrong that (at least subconsciously) it seems that I'd prefer horrible certainty over the unknown.

If I had time, I'd ask you about what went wrong exactly. But have no fear. Tell your psychiatrist that you'd like to do therapy and not just meds, that you're scared to speak, etc.

Just share how you feel and think.

My first words to my own therapist were, "I come with very little trust and no hope," because that's how I felt, and I figured telling her exactly how I felt would be a good thing to allow myself to do.

>>36350969
>This is so fucked up in so many ways. Honestly. Your parents are stranger than your brother.

It is and yet the situation was so highly unusual and intense that am reluctant to fully condemn them for it, the road to hell is paved with good intentions I suppose.

>Are there others besides Seethe?

No, all has been destroyed but me and Seethe. The rest of my mind is a smoldering ruinous landscape where I wander.

>I might know another one like Seethe.

Somehow I doubt it but I'm curious, do tell.

>>36350960
>He's acting out of pain, after all.

Seethe can not be hurt, that is his major strength, he does not allow any weakness at all and he will use that of others to control or destroy them. The ferocity has tempered with age to the point where no psychosis or depression has occurred for a few years now.

He is far too absolute for compromise, compromise is weak and weakness is not allowed, it's either full control or destroy.

I've kept him locked inside my head, even during psychosis by resorting to self destruction over letting him run the show.

Our interests can align but only if I am in my self containment where I have full control over everything. (Locking myself up in my own place).

>>36351356

I see depression as mostly a symptom now. It's never there on its own.

If you feel something is wrong, always seek a professional to help. It's never a bad idea.

We can talk more tomorrow and maybe figure out what sort of issues you have, so you can start therapy with more precise information.

i'm experiencing derealisation frequently, any help?


it only happens when i'm in a public area with lots of people i don't know

>>36351157
Doesn't perceive my independence as a threat, doesn't want me to be better than my sister just to fulfill her dreams but rather to "erase" the "guilt" of not being able to raise my sister rightly because she surely feels bad about it, doesn't have a superiority complex, would rather be a normal person and blend in society, doesn't expect me to support her, is not jealous (of what the fuck could she even be jealous about anyway) or possessive, is not very neglecting.

The points you said are pretty much the only ones matching.

>>36351377
>It is and yet the situation was so highly unusual and intense that am reluctant to fully condemn them for it, the road to hell is paved with good intentions I suppose.

Or shit parents. What they did to you was unwarranted. No excuses there.

>Somehow I doubt it but I'm curious, do tell.

Ask Facet. He may confirm or not, but I think Facet has one whose function is much like your Seethe.

>>36351428
Sounds like a plan. Hopefully, I'll be around early enough.

>>36351377
>Our interests can align but only if I am in my self containment where I have full control over everything. (Locking myself up in my own place).
I can relate. However, in being contained that means to some extent he is weak because you're stronger than him. If he were to cooperate with you, you needn't cage him. I'm speaking from experience here, and it's not something that I've found a solid answer to. We're in a similar position - though I give mine a little more chain than you do, and don't allow myself to be as awed by his posturing.

>>36351433
>it only happens when i'm in a public area with lots of people i don't know

Does it happen in new places too?

I suffer from derealisation almost on a constant basis nowadays, depending.

We'll have to work on that, but I'm falling off my chair here, I can't go on anymore for tonight.

You can keep posting though, I'll read. Describe all your symptoms, other symptoms, give concrete examples, etc.

Derealisation is a disconnect caused by your brain to deaden the anxiety, in short.

>>36351449

I see what you mean now... Thing is, you don't need your parent to match ALL or even most of those things. And in many cases, it's not that obvious. There are things where we'd disagree in your list.

>but rather to "erase" the "guilt" of not being able to raise my sister rightly because she surely feels bad about it

But that isn't right, anon. This is never a healthy reason to raise someone better, which she isn't doing, by the way.

One child isn't there to replace the other.

Superiority complexes may not be obvious.

I can't write anymore, I must sleep. We'll talk soon.

okay you probably can't help much with this, but i'll give it a shot anyways.

what does it mean if i want to look like a child?
i hate looking at myself in the mirror, i feel distressed thinking about how i look, i have all of the typical gender dysphoria symptoms. except without the gender.

i like the idea of being a girl, but only if it's a young one. i want to be shorter, have a rounder face, have a higher voice, wear more "childish" clothes. but i don't want to act like a girl or a child in any way, i just want to look like one.

i've figured this must be some kind of "autopedophilia" of some sort comparable to autogynephilia, because i am also attracted to little girls and of course the idea of myself as one. but i'm not sure what to do about it.
do you think there's any way to fix it? is there anything i can do to look more "childlike"? what do you think about all of this? am i crazy?

>>36351584
Do you happen to have a recapit or throwaway where i can contact you? I might not be able to "tune in" this thread for a while.

>>36351624

[email protected]

>>36351637
Thanks. I will try anyway.

>>36351606
Hormones and appropriate modes of dress is the best you can do. Look up makeup tips on YouTube as well. It's not really healthy per se but it is something you can live with. Ideally though, you should seek therapy. This isn't a simple matter.

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>>36351606

The solution may not be to actually get to look like a little girl, but to find out why you want to, and once that is done, fully, chances are you won't want to look like a little girl anymore.

There's a whole lot we can discuss about it, but I can't right now, I must depart.

I'm interested in your case and hope you will come again.

I'm assuming you might have been abused by a pedo yourself when you were younger, causing you to be emotionally arrested at the age level of your abuse, explaining both your interest in little girls and desire to be one (I could be dead wrong, though, just extrapolating).

On this note, I bid you all good night.

>>36351300
Thank you so far, you might have set me on the right track at last. Still not sure how to bring this up with psychologists/psychiatrist. Thank you at any rate.

>>36351506
He wants to manifest outside the confines of my mind, the plan now is to do this through a book that I'm writing, the intent of the book is to infect other minds with Seethe so that he may manifest anyway. He can not take control of me because I would destroy myself physically if he would. I've come close to the border of life and death and it is under control that way.

Even in the best case, if I were to give a little more chain he would do what he always does and dig in other peoples mind to find their weaknesses, insecurities, fears and generally any buttons to press and strings to pull in order to control or destroy them. I doubt anything good can come from giving that more chain, it is always destructive.

>>36351704
fuck. well, i guess i'll try to come back next time i guess. good night friend.
also, i haven't been abused in my life. i'm still not sure where my attraction comes from.

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>>36351526
It happens in any place that is crowded and full of people, like a shop or a city.


I'm fine in forests and at home, which is why i choose to spend most of my time at home or innawoods.


However, i had THE worst derealisation experience a week back. i was camping in the woods and slightly inebriated and it was horrible, i felt like cutting my hand to see if i could even feel pain anymore.

I went to a new place (a forest) and i was not suffering from derealisation at all.
I feel very anxious. Oftentimes it's when i'm walking home on the street and i go past people and the derealisation starts. I feel like i've gone inside my head, kind of like i'm in a game controlling a character instead of actually being there. Everything feels slightly dreamy and hazy.

one more thing i'll say is that my derealisation gets worse in sunny weather. i'm usually fine on cold or rainy days but since i kind of suffer from seasonal depression in the summer it gets worse when it's hot.

>>36351734
Actually, using writing as an outlet may be a good idea. Give him the opportunity to express himself. Beyond disseminating his ideas, I doubt that such a thing could do very much harm.

>18 unique posters
>144 replies
>tripfag(s)
>armchair google wikipedia psychologist
>replies every other minute

k e k

Will this cuckle ever stop his tumblr-tier bullshit blogging?

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>>36351851
>Coming to 'disrupt' the thread after Nick has already left and it's winding down
Did you catch the news story about the suicide bomber who succeeded only in blowing himself up and knocking over a tent? Just wondering.

>>36351918

>I came to "disrupt" the thread as if it's some fucking coffee shop poetry reading session
>implying I am not just coming in here to point at autistic trips that think they're dishing out good advice when they're just constantly self-bumping their thread with garbo advice like it's an MSN chatroom
>my only objective was to point out that you're all niggers

Just make a Discord server, you cuck.

>>36351775
How did you go about discussing this with psychologists and psychiatrists?

Did it happen because you lost control or how would you even begin bringing anything up? Do they allow you to do that?
Seethe does not.

>>36352046
You're here every day at this point. Why don't you throw on a trip yourself? I humbly suggest TheTrollKing in recognition of your many accomplishments.

>>36352078
I've been in therapy a very long time. It was awkward at first; I just volunteered the information, we discussed it and now the therapist works with me but also, where possible, the others. Seethe should see that as a golden opportunity to infect the minds of therapists and others if you give him the chance. Somehow though, I doubt he'd get very far. He might find that the opportunity to speak and really be heard by a professional makes a big difference to him. You've built him up into something greater than he truly is; his power is limited. And hey, if he really is that great a writer that he can cause splinter personalities en masse I'd be happy to be your first customer. What he's proposing is unrealistic, and I think you know that.

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>>36349474
;__; i got sidetracked and you left desu.

>>36352092
h-hope your well today , b-baka

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>>36352212
And a spooky awoo to you too

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>>36352272
if i remembers correctly you said something about recommending some animes or something..

>>36352410
I need to head to bed soon since I have an interview tomorrow. Still, I'll stick around for 15-20 minutes.

I never played Yume Nikki. Is it worth reading the manga or should I go back and play the game?

As for anime reccs, what did we say? Genre etc? Was it, by any chance, about supernatural ones?

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>>36352472
oh, i wish you luck with your interview .. not that you need it.

Yume Nikki is most excellent. Not yet read the manga but the game is good. whole heartedly recommend

the rec was directed at nick i think, you said you had some good psychological ones to show or something. i could be wrong.

don't let me keep ya.

>>36352692
Ah, well actually I plan on hosting an anime night for the group. Hopefully it will go off as planned on Weds night (after two postponements already). I'd be glad if you could join us too! I do have a good selection of psychological ones. Some of which I've finished, some I haven't. A mix of light-hearted, informative and more dark/ serious fare. Some real treats in there, and I don't want to spoil the surprise.

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>>36352692
Anyway, I'll have to wish you goodnight now. I'd stay, but nobody's here

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>>36352756
i am down, cool. will be ma birthday then. rip. i shall not pry then. i look forward to it.

i will let you go, gonna get comfy and watch something. sending luck your way

>>36353000
tfw nobody's here!

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>>36353080
goodbyie

hey, you could really help me.
what do you do to combat suicidal feelings? as in, i really don't want these but they sometimes crawl up on me and i'm scared shitless about what happens next. i have them most likely due to my longtime major depression and anxiety issues.

>>36353408
>what do you do to combat suicidal feelings?
Kill yourself, they'll stop

>>36353486
just go fuck yourself you nobody

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17KB, 337x456px

>>36353546
well ok , ;___; bleh