people who dodged darwinism general

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ok ill tell another

>be me as opposed to being not me
>daydreaming in my room as per usual
>lighter catches my attention
>start setting things i dont need on fire
>start with small papers gradually working up too boxes and such
>getting light headed
>lie down on bed
>wake up 10 hours later with a massive fucking headach
>evolution almost got me

>>36285082
wait you were lighting fires inside your house? what the fuck
anyway
>buyin cigs
>guy at counter gives me parliment 100s which are twice the length of regular cigs
>to autistic to ask for regulars
>try to smoke one on break at work in the same amount of time
>suffer from carbon monoxide poisoning and nearly pass out in the bathroom

>>36285127
actually i could have just ended that story at
>buyin cigs
seriously kids, it feels good but I know its killing me

>>36284589
i too lack common sense anon

got anymore stories like these?

This is why I let my gf deal with food related things

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>>36285314
tell us some of yours
another from me>>36285127
>work in kitchen
>using a mandolin (device that chops vegetables rapidly by sliding them over the top)
>space out and stop thinking
>dont realize I'm out of vegetable
>slice deeply into my pinky
pic is the one we use at work except theres no finger guard (went missing before I started there)

>>36285127
i forgot burning things inside created carbon

heres another on though, also about fire

>be 9 year old me
>3rd world shit country so everything was allowed
>older kid tries to rapee me on my way to school.
>punch him in the face and bolt
>pulls out his knife and runs after me
>pull out glassbottle i ha hidden in my backpack for protection
>it was a special beer bottle about 0.5 mm thick glass
>hit him in the head with all my might
>he passes the fuck out
>ohfuck.goatskinparchment
>he told my schoolmates he would shank me if he caught me
>he and his cousins try to catch me for the rest of my time there

should have fucking ran, i have no idea why he didnt manage to stop the bottle and shank me in the fucking neck or something.

i do a lot of dumb shit, but i'm to stupid to remember any

>>36285412
thing is academically and iq tests and such i do just fine. but once i do any real life stuff everything goes horribly wrong.

like i just did a "WAIS" test and apparently i scored way higher than normal. clearly wais tests are horseshit since i can cook fucking nudlles without losing a limb.

>>36285387
damn anon you're crazy but you did good protecting your butthole
anyway
>at work
>see giant ant
>grab paper towel and smash it so hard I split the skin under my thumbnail
why am I so dumb

>garbage disposal stopped working
>keep flicking the switch on and off to see if that does anything
>nothing happens so i leave it turned on overnight to see if that helps
>next morning forget the switch is turned on and reach in there trying to find out what's keeping the disposal from working
>find out the culprit is a spoon and partially pry it out
>garbage disposal blades start spinning at full blast
>hand gets pummeled and looks like i just stuck it in a meat grinder
>blood everywhere
>call 911
>paramedics arrive and laugh at me when i tell them what happened

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ok last one since my thread is clearly dying

this one is a innocent tale of an adventurous 6 year old or so

>be me
>trip to country side with mom and her friends
>mom lets me play with the other kids
>was a city boy who had never touched animals before
>spot moo moo
>first thought it to stick something up its ass
>other kids warn me
>dont listen
>find sizeable stick
>run behind moo moo
>try to shove it inside moo moo anus
>fail misserably
>moo moo turns around and runs right through me
>actually stepped on my fucking chest
>head hit a stone
>have several scars now because of this
>mfw i fought an animal 20 times my weight and didnt die
>i am clearly the fittest for survival.

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>>36284589
>trying to plant something
>I have to leave it in warm water for a couple of weeks and then plant it
>okay got it
>keep it in warm water for a few days
>have to change the water
>forget that the water shouldn't be scalding hot
>start pouring the water in a glass jar
>the jar shatters because of the hot water
>the hot water burns my feet
>a liquid starts leaking from the burnt area a few hours after that

>>36286420
Fucking kek

>at work inna kitchen
>see sautee pan in dishwashing area
>"I should move that to the other side of the dish area with the other pans"
>one rule is to always use a towel to grab handles in case the pan is hot
>forget rule
>grab pan
>hold for about 3 sceonds before I realize this was a big mistake
>end up burning the shit out of my hand
>feel like shit for the rest of the day

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>nearly drowned as a babby when my sister left me in the bathroom alone in a bathing chair and it tipped over and put me underwater

>nearly drowned at the beach after i got swept away by huge waves when i was like 8

>struggle to swallow food because i've choked so many times

>got jumped by an angry pitbull

THE REAPER HASN'T CAUGHT ME YET

>>36288432
imagine all the times death reached out to grab you and you were all "can't catch me, baby" and jumped back to life.
he must be pissed

>>36288564
If things keep going the way they're going i'm eventually going to end up oxygen starved and he won't even need to try anymore0

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>Be at work
>Standing by a large flat grill seat at 375
>Chatting with coworker about character creation for dragon ball z xenoverse and older dragon ball z games in general
>One leg is shorter than the other by a couple inches so it hurts to stand in one place for a long time
>Decide to lean
>Place my arm on the grill and lean on it for a good second or two
>Burn the fuck out of myself, get mad, and go home

>>36285082
Reminds me of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSzsA_JssoM

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>be me, age 7
>cousin's wife is babysitting me
>she takes me and her brothers to apartment pool
>i don't know how to swim
>they put me on top of 6 foot long floating dragon thing
>who the fuck brings this to an apartment pool
>i float toward deep end
>remember i have no balance
>floating dragon tips and i black out
>cousin rescues me

but wait, there's more

>get back to the apartment
>cousin's wife realizes i forgot my towel
>"well i guess you'll just have to go back and get it"
>shrug and decide to be a good boy and go get it
>old unshaven guy follows me to pool
>stay in pool building with people watching for 20 minutes after retrieving towel until he leaves
>go back to apartment
>y-y-you know we didn't ask you to do that, right anon?