What a poison to dream of and wrap my head around I see you in

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What a poison to dream of and wrap my head around
I see you in the hallways and I'm curious what you think of me
Am I dirt to you like so many others are to me?
Maybe you can use me then to grow
And I guess I'll never know
But you can't stay mad forever
Unless you decide to live in the past
But that would be your own problem
I want to write to you over the summer
While my back breaks on a thoughtless commitment for something I don't really know if I want
But the pain of your rejection would crush me like a bug
It's a fitting punishment really
I'm an insect after all
I guess I have 3 months to make my choice
Maybe it will be impulsive
Maybe I will think about it forever
But then I would be living in the past too
And that's my own problem
Is there really no other way to do this?
I didn't know what else I was going to do
Opposites don't attract
And I don't think trees and flowers can grow in gunpowder watered with gasoline
It's self destructive
I hope my skull cracks and I can find the answer
A breath of fresh air might help
I haven't had any in a while
But that's my own fault

Hell, everything's my fault...