/cripplingdepression/ general

lol everything falls apart and im at the point where I just don't know why I ever tried in the first place. I sorta thought I was supposed to suffer and come out of it so I could help others who suffer too and be there for them but uhh I just dont think so anymore. Everything happens for a reason doesnt sound like something thats happening right now. Its more like everything sucks and thats how it is.

>>36251902
Whats happened to make you come to that conclusion

>>36251848
Are you a top or bottom?
/oregano

>>36251954
top, i'd have to be a really special person to convince me to let them in my butt

>>36251929
Life just doesnt live for some.

>>36251993
You tried to get any professional help?
It can help some live

>>36251848
I'm glad to see you again. I've missed these threads.
Personally, the antidepressant/antianxiety medication my psychiatrist has me on is definitely making me worse.

File: THE BRIDGE.jpg (137KB, 608x350px) Image search: [Google]

137KB, 608x350px

tried to reinitiate email contact today with the girl I am sprung over. i don't really hang out with her outside of class because she is reclusive and we have emailed a lot in the past. i got a whole whopping one response and then never got a reply to my reply. pretty sure her shithead boyfriend doesn't allow her to talk to guys although we've talked a lot in the past. feels like i'm having a friend taken away from me.

i am frustrated because i feel deep in the throes of depression and suicidal ideation, not purely because of this situation but it is a factor. i hate that she has this influence on my affect and i hate that i allow this to happen and i hate that I can do nothing to control illogical emotions. a friend called me out and said i force emotional connection to people who confide in me and i hate that this is a thing.

fuck women. i wish i were asexual and aromantic

>>36252047
thanks, that makes me feel happy <3
Tell your psych you need to stop asap. I upped my welbutrin a few months ago and i went insane for like a week
I was an absolute wreck

File: coolguy.jpg (23KB, 600x584px) Image search: [Google]

23KB, 600x584px

>>36252032
Why haven't you gotten those sweet skeleton memes yet? At least put some effort into your regular tripfagging.

>>36251902
>I sorta thought I was supposed to suffer and come out of it so I could help others who suffer too and be there for them
holy shit I never looked at it this way
suicide booths when

File: Wayne death.gif (99KB, 350x416px) Image search: [Google]

99KB, 350x416px

>>36252070
That really sucks, sorry to hear that. Yeah men like that are actual shitheads. I'd try to talk to her in person, that might work best

>>36252106
heres a spicy skeleton meme

>>36252157
well we've interacted more irl throughout the week, mainly tuesday and yesterday, than we have in like two months. she is skittish and would not respond well to conflict/confrontation, and we never hang out irl so no dice really

>>36252188
:< I gotcha
You ever invited her to do something? Like get food or something?

>>36252203
Yeah I've asked her to hang out before. She brushes it off or ignores it. She doesn't hang with anyone outside of school, especially guys.

>>36252070
her boyfriend doesn't do anything. when people get into an intimate relationship they slow a lot of communication with others because they always have their partner to talk to. since you're the opposite gender, you don't have the same ties that male friends have where you share interests and like to hang out to have fun. you're just a distraction at this point and should not talk to her anymore.

>>36251848
I've had one while driving before, albeit mild. Had to pull over and maintain sanity for a bit.

>>36252223
huh, honestly that sounds alittle worrying if she doesnt hang out with anyone. Or maybe shes just a shy introvert

>>36252254
definitely the latter, very reclusive. i mean, she hangs with her sister and that is it. she has one friend in our cohort but they don't hang outside of school

>>36252250
i was really tempted to pull over but i was afraid to on the interstate, and also getting back on it is a major pain
So i just tried to focus completely on the road

>>36252278
Huh, gotcha. Hope things work out my dude

>>36252157
That's some pretty experimental shit. Where do you keep finding that sort of thing?

Why the fuck do girls ghost you out of nowhere, or at all?

At this point, I'll be happy to be rejected rather than just ignored.

I would never ghost someone. It's just really depressing because I try and step out of my social anxiety shell by doing the online dating meme, but then shit like this happens.

It feels horrible and it ruins my day every single time even when I'm having a good time.

I then I come here, and the depression spirals to suicidal thoughts.

And honestly, I'm starting to hate women.

>>36252309
they won't and I'm stuck seeing her for another year until the program finishes, nothing i can do and i am stuck wishing for the sweet release of death. alas all i can do is mope and bitch

File: hylics.gif (1MB, 500x375px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 500x375px

>>36252320
I'm a fan of art games. This is from a game named Hylics, okay gameplay but absolutely gorgeous art

>>36252333
some are afraid to just tell men that they arent interested, cus some men dont take no for an answer. Also online dating is a very easy way to just disconnect from potential dates, and thats appealing to some

>>36251976
What kind of men do you like?

Relapsed into a truly disgusting drinking binge a couple nights ago. Got completely blackout. I'd been sober for two weeks, but I was at a concert with friends and they were drinking. When in Rome and all that.

I've just sort of been staring off into space since then. Every time I relapse I just hate myself that much more for not having the willpower to stay sober.

But I am making great strides at my volunteer gig and I'm fooling myself into thinking a fellow volunteer is crushing on me, so there's that.

Still pissed I have to reset my sobriety counter now, though. I thought I'd gotten over the worst of the cravings.

>>36251848

>have headaches on a daily basis
>numerous docs have proven it's linked to anxiety and the stress of being around people
>currently battling the SSA to be granted neetbux.

How's r9k doing?

>>36252373
That's some strange stuff, skeletonman. I like some of the experimental stuff and a little of the old underground comix scene; people like Art Spiegleman and Robert Crumb.

>>36252333
I ghosted the only girl that's ever expressed interest in me because I didn't want the relationship and was too afraid to tell her

>>36252447
remember the failures but focus on the victories

>>36252483
Treating my vague malaise with copious marijuana and tobacco smoke. I think I need to stop. It's been affecting my life lately.

File: tube steak.gif (2MB, 500x375px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 500x375px

>>36252434
Depends, cute girly ones are nice, but sometimes handsome muscle boys are good. And things in between. Unless you're talking about personality

>>36252447
Two weeks is pretty good my dude, and im glad to hear you are improving. What kind of volunteering do you do?

>>36252483
Hope you get it my dude
Shitty lol

>>36252507
Cool cool, comics can be fun

>>36251848
I burst into treats and gave myself a nosebleed because I was within earshot of people enjoying their lives. it takes virtually nothing to set me off at this point.

>24 years old
>Dropout
>parents know I'm worthless
>am worthless
>Can't maintain job

Is it time to just walk out and be a traveler? I feel like it's the natural progression for people like me

>>36252526
the effects of marijuana are hard to notice

it's a subtle, accumulated lack of effort that reduces the effectiveness of your life

I've been trying to stop smoking, but my roommate aren't and the temptation is always there

>>36252571
How long have you felt like that? Do you know how you got to that point?

>>36252576
Probably not. Could you see yourself doing anything and it making you happy?

Drunk, 1PM, and my housemate unexpectedly came home. What do? Can I pretend it's an Easter thing?

is positive thinking kind of encouraged in these threads

>>36252593
>How long have you felt like that?
years, but it ranges from periods where I cry every single day to numb periods when I cut myself

>Do you know how you got to that point?
genetic predisposition, unfortunate life, abuse, failure to thrive, feeling of unfulfillment, ennui.

>>36252623
no Easter is not for several days, that would be even more pathetic

just don't say anything unless he asks, talk to him about it later if feel like you need to otherwise don't

>>36252623
Pretend drinking is an easter thing?

>>36252630
Yes, but we dont dismiss people with negative thoughts either.

>>36252649
This is where I ask if you've gotten professional help at all. It can help with the genetics at least

>>36252533
>What kind of volunteering do you do?

I'm with a non-profit group that records audiobooks for the blind. It's a good cause and I like reading so why not? Besides, it helps to break up the work-home-work-home monotony.

>>36252649
>ennui

I hate how many times I've looked up this word

would you mind describing your life? I'd be interested

>>36252680
Oh wow, thats super cool. I need to get involved in something, im a waste where i am now

>>36252667
I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. It helps me cope and not be self-destructive, but I still feel like this. My meds haven't helped. I wonder if they would work if I wasn't being abused.

>>36251848
Im pretty alright. The new kendrick album dropped and im in love with it. My day was kinda slow and all i did was lay in bed. Still kinda lonely though.

>>36252653
He's staying in his room, we said a couple of words and he left. Maybe we'll just not talk? I can't be sober right now, do you think he'll go with it?

>>36252667
>Pretend drinking is an easter thing?
Sounds stupid when you put it like that.

>>36252734
Are you being abused right now? Still?

>>36252735
Oh man i need to listen to it. I downloaded it today but havent got the chance, been watching the new MST3k.
I too am still lonely haha

>>36252743
Will he be mad at you if you're drunk?

>>36252577
Naw, I've always been fine effort wise on pot. Plenty of people who puff do. But it is costing me too much since I can easily burn through an 1/8th a week and don't have the option to grow a couple myself.

Maybe I could get a little space bucket or something though.

If you really want to stop smoking you may have to move away from influences you think are negative for your life and goals.

>>36252727

I used VolunteerMatch if you need a little direction. You can specialize the kind of volunteering you want to do by area (work with kids, homeless shelters, LGBT centers, healthcare clinics, libraries, basically anyone looking for a volunteer) and by distance.

>>36252783
been thinking about being stupid and just going out to malls and making small talk with people, specifically qt grils in hopes that maybe theyll find me cool

>>36252743
I think he'll go with it, honestly it's none of his business and I don't think he wants any of it

>>36252795
you're probably right but I'd much rather blame it on the weed than confront my personal issues

>>36252809
I'd love to do LGBT or mental volunteering, but i really need to focus on getting a job soon. Thanks for the advice

>>36252829
God i hate malls. Maybe try bars or something, might be better for finding qt girls
idk i dont go out lol

>>36252699
I was treated like a worm all through school, my dad was schizophrenic and an alcoholic and he gave away literally all of our money; my mom left my dad and had a string of mean boyfriends, I developed schizophrenia, I lived at the hospital, I made a friend off /r9k/ and got molested, I tried online dating and instantly got assraped into fucking oblivion, ass still hurts five years later, I found (((love))) again, I've been here for three, maybe four years. I'm not allowed to leave the house, buy the food I want to eat, talk to other people, wear the clothes I want to wear, or have my own thoughts. r9k to me is a refuge. I sometimes secretly add other anons on skype or email to talk to them. it feels good.

>>36252680
that sounds like some great volunteer work

it would be perfect if you're allowed to pick the books that you wanted to read

>>36252783
>Will he be mad at you if you're drunk?
Nah, he might be a weird cunt though.

>>36252734
One of my good friends got a good result from therapy, but her trauma was a one-off thing. How're you doing?

>>36252848

No problem. Volunteering really punches up a resume, too. Good luck on the job hunt.

>>36252922
I'm doing well enough, alive. I can push through the worst of it. DBT probably stopped me from kms-ing once or twice, would recommend for those who are really desperate for help.

>>36252839
Ayy, that's the spirit. I fully believe that people quit using whatever their drug of choice is when they really want to deep down.

Besides, smoking pot really isn't the worst thing a man can do. Even getting drunk is arguably worse for you and your life.

>>36252876
email me? I could appreciate some slow-paced conversation

[email protected]

>>36252922
Eh well its none of his business

>>36252943
Thatnks my dude

>>36252876
Wow, man, your life is like a nightmare. You should probably do something maybe.

>>36252900

You can, kind of. There are three sections of books you can choose from: the non-profit backlog for books they want recorded, personal requests from blind/reading-impaired living locally, and requests from the central library in California from their backlog or customers. It's a pretty diverse selection. I've read a couple historical books, a short novel, and now a travel memoir.

>>36253018
this might be something I could get involved in, if only I wasn't bad at reading aloud. how much does quality matter? not just for the job requirement; I mean would blind people just be kind of irritated listening to it.

>>36253002
I don't want to have to hit rock bottom, but I don't know what to do to fix it. or I do, but I don't know if the pain is worth it. if one big pain is better than a life of constant mid-level pain.

>>36252082
I'm actually in between psychs (usual one is moving to a different office) but I will be seeing my new psych in a week or two. I'm currently on 40mg of Viibryd, which the psych said was the max dosage. my original psych absolutely sucked at understanding depression. I hope the next one is better

>>36253132
I hope so too. Good luck man

>>36252483
Are you me? I had/have the same issue with head pain from anxiety (it's the muscle tension). I'm currently on muscle relaxers and they work wonders.

>>36252969
The wiki article for DBT is fascinating. Thanks for posting this.

>>36252876
If you're in Australia I can do the rescue thing. If you need a safe place to recover, I can offer you a month or two in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, fed by my parents, who are too old to be horny.

Obviously, no obligation or expectation, and desu, not sure why I'm posting.

File: 1461801781902.jpg (92KB, 600x450px) Image search: [Google]

92KB, 600x450px

I'm 28. I've had depression for about 10 years now. Near daily thoughts of suicide for the first 7. All those years are a big blob of a memory. It all blends together. Just going day by day to see if it would be better than the next, to see if I should kill myself. Never could come up with a valid reason to die but never felt like I had a reason to live. I just existed. 2015 to the start of this year I finally felt like I was "normal". Only having suicidal thoughts about once every 2 months or so. I wasn't really depressed but I am starting to have trouble distinguishing what was real or not. Like, I know I'm sitting at a computer but I don't KNOW if I actually am or if it's in my head. I feel like I'm on a different plain of reality but I don't want to test the bounds of the reality because logically I know I am most likely not. I've been hearing voices, too. Sometimes they are loud, clear conversations with multiple people. Sometime It's just hearing my name being whispered as I lie in bed. I'd like to seek professional help but the only hobby I really enjoy is precision shooting and they'd take my guns away if I ever told a doctor this. I might be developing schizophrenia, but if l was truely loosing my mind I wouldn't be aware I was loosing my mind, right? Since January the depression is kicking in again and I'm really thinking about offing myself. I've got a urge to cash everything out and travel to Las Vegas, loose my virginity to a hooker so I don't die a virgin, and gamble all my money away until I'm pennyless. Just to live in the moment for once. Then commit suicide in the desert.

>>36253262
you should post some way to contact you or email it to me, he might have gone to bed

>>36253262
oh anon, I need it. unfortunately I love across the world in Canada. I want to go out west to be a fire lookout for a season so i'll see if I can somehow do that.

>>36253291
I think you really need professional help. LIke, it could save your life at this point. ANd they dont always take away your guns, you dont have to tell them about them

Ever heard that NiN song Every Day is Exactly the Same? Like that. So sick of being numb. I can't drink anymore because I kept getting withdrawls and I don't want DTs. I am in my early 20s, why am I like a 60 year old?

>>36253096

You have to be able to read clearly, but they expect you to trip up once in a while. It's not a big deal to them. They edit out any mistakes while compiling the audiobook. And you can see how many people have checked out one of the books you read and their feedback. It's pretty cool.

>>36253460
DT? Also how long has this been going on?

>>36253319
yeah shit;s fucked

>>36253338
sorry, all I have is an aunt in london, and she's judgemental

I hope you get better anon. you're one of the few people in the world who are truly alive and awake, and I hope you'll do well

>>36253514
DTs are super alcohol withdrawls that heavy drunks get but if you go through withdrawls more than 3 times you are likely to get them and I just went through my third the other day. The drinking? On and off for a year or two. The same daily life? Months if not years.

>>36253291
could you explain your difficulty in determining what is real? I'm not a psychologist but it sounds interesting

>>36253291
That suicide plan sounds fun.

I'm in the same boat as you. Suicidal thoughts constantly for around 5 years now, fading gradually into a more profound insanity. feels comfy desu

>>36253540
oh jeeze, be careful my dude. Can you think of anything that would break this cycle for you?

>>36253576
Well I certainly won't be drinking anymore. I guess all I can do is weather the storm for the time being. I am sick of video games, listening to music, etc. I find it hard to connect to new people these days so I don't meet many folks, and nobody I know wants to see me anymore. So, maybe heroin?

>>36253618
Thats a great way to not live anymore desu, or live miserably.
You have any hobbies you could use to meet people?

>>36253646
I have hobbies but the age gap in it is kind of despairing so after the conversation goes from the hobby it quickly becomes irrelevant and awkward for me.

>>36253671
whats the hobby if you dont mind me asking?

>>36253695
Tabletop gaming, specifically Bolt Action, it is a WWII mini-game and the only one I like. Unfortunately the scene around here is full of 30+'ers with jobs and careers and kids.

>>36253726
Oh man, thats sick. And how old are you?

>>36253734
I am only 20. Which makes the alcohol bit super shitty since everyone my age loves to party.

>>36253767
Ah i see.
Idk i always connected pretty easily to those 30+ year old men playing tabletops. Maybe not with experience but we always got along well.
I never did parties, too anxious lol

>>36253546
I don't really know how to explain it. These are shitty examples Like, I feel that I'm real. I know I am real. But I can't always tell others are real, vs being like some kind of matrix/virtual or probably the best example is the episode or Rick and Morty where Morty plays Roy. After the game Morty knows he is real, knows he is in reality but can't distinguish for a moment whether reality is the Morty reality or the Roy reality. I know that no matter what my actions have consequences but I'm not sure if they are as I understand them to be in the real world or if I am mistaken. Maybe, perhaps if I killed myself then I'd awaken into a alternative reality or if I'd really die. I often wonder this because for the most part I try to live right. I don't party, drink, smoke, chase loose women, be responsible and trustworthy. And it usually seems like Karma has a hardon for me and if I do something or say something I know I probably shouldn't have any don't, or if I do, appologise for it I get immediately fucked in some way. But I've done some really, really shitty things like I broke into a college and stole $70 from a teacher's desk but never got punished for it in any way. I got away scott free. Consequences seem inversed to me. But either way I would not want to test the bounds of the reality because if this is a reality then obviously I am in this simulation for a specific reason.

I 2016 I legit thought I met myself. I worked with a guy who I kind of suspected might actually be an alternative to me. Like, had I made opposite decisions about some things in life than I have I would be exactly him.

>>36253880
Me too. The alcohol helped me ease into parties. And then I would black out and wake up and throw up.

>>36253926
I couldnt handle doing that lol. I can really only drink if i know i can get home

>>36253910
woah

I hate to think I might make it worse for you by talking about it, but I've definitely done a lot of thinking recently about the odds of us living in a simulation. I'd be interested to communicate with you about it if you think it's a good idea.

[email protected]

>>36253910
Well duh. The fact that death exists and can't be reversed means that there's something else going on here. Or maybe you're just depersonalizing.

>>36254163
I used to black out at parties and then it turned into me drinking at home alone all day. Fucking hell I wish drinking was still a choice for nights like these where I just wanna fucking jump off a bridge.

>>36254346
I always feel worse when drinking, i have to be in a good mindset or i get miserable

>>36254378
I agree but it helped to numb me up. But then again I would drink until the room was spinning.

>>36254562
that is rough my dude.

>>36254782
Yeah. I have no urge to drink, but I miss having the option if that makes sense.

>>36254860
mhm yeah i gotcha.

>>36254872
Fuck man. I just feel so lonely tonight. Growing up sucks so much. I still wish I was in high school every day.

>>36254929
>growing up sucks

the excitement wears off pretty quick when you realize what the world has to offer

>>36254929
>I still wish I was in high school every day.
You and me both. And it's funny because I thought that it couldn't get worse than high school

>>36255000
Me too, man. I dreaded growing up then, and I was right. I would rather have that dull grey than this dreaded black. Also nice trips

Let's see. I feel pretty hopeless right now. My dad just hit me again after years of threatening me that he'll hit me. I got punched in the face, screamed at and my hair pulled. He made me kiss his feet and beg for an apology. I really would love the sweet relief of death. Ugh.

And yet, here I am. Stuck in this bloody situation. No one's even going to help me. I'd probably end myself sooner or later. Bet he would be happy with that..