Psychological Issues #28

>>36183284
Do you know that most of anonymous you're helping are failed-normalfaggots and normalfaggots ?

>>36183297

What difference do you make between a failed normalfag and a robot?

>>36183309
From my point of vue; the normal-faggot was a normalfaggot before seeking in the robothood. Give him a second chance and he will goes full normal again.

>>36183339

OK, now explain to me, in your opinion, what the difference between a normalfaggot and a robot is.

>>36183361
A normalfaggot had sex with his gf or a girl he seduces (not a hooker, prostitute...).
What's A robot ?
>go on wizc
>take the questioner
>come back here.

I'm losing the will to live but i don't wanna die. I am almost 23, i'm still studying because eurofag, and medicine is a fucking 6 years faculty. Anyway, i was actually doing ok, then 6 months ago i simply lost the will to do anything. I still try to study but for the most part i spend my day in front of the book doing nothing, sometimes i try to masturbate over porn but i'm losing interest and it doesn't even feel pleasurable anymore. The failin exam part is actually a big part of my problem, i was always good at school, and i feel i will be nothing without ot because i never actually do anything except study.

>>36183416
>A normalfaggot had sex with his gf or a girl he seduces

That's all it takes to be normal to you? That's some Wizardchan-tier faggotry right here, I must say.

What's wizc? Can you give me a link to that questionnaire? I probably won't be a robot.

>>36183419

I see a bunch here. Would you say the exam is the starting point of this depression?

Are you accustomed to being judged on what you do over who you are? (Parentwise, specifically.)

>>36183448
Wizc. Wizardchan...
And now I want to " hear " you what's you definition of a robot, normalfag and failed-normie, please.

>>36183480

I don't use those definitions myself. I don't believe in them. I have much better categories, so the best I can do is define what I understand people here mean by those words.

robot: "ideal" /r9k/ user, has issues with people offline

normalfag: mythical creature imagined by /r9k/ users, usually most people they see offline and who seem functional. AKA "normie", ree, ree.

failed-normie: a robot that other robots are jealous of.

>>36183448
No, i actually had this feeling even during the last exam i failed and then passed (with good grade) so, if i had to search for a cause, i would say it's because i'm tired of this study -> exam -> pass exam - >repeat routine that seems to never end. I was happy when i started and whatever we do something practical, but there are so few of this activity that i basically only study all of the year.

My parents are actually supportive, they don't judge me and they don't blame me if i fail, but in my mind i fear to disappoint them, or to be a dead weigh to them. It's also kinda difficult to talk to them about this kinda of things, they replied to me saying this kinda thing to them with "ok, it's a bad period but cheer up"

>>36183579

Ask me a question.


oringainielafieg

>>36183628
Shoul i simply kill myself?

>>36183523
So you take the robot-problem by individual and you don't believe in a general group, am I right ?

>>36183661

Of course not.

Would you say the problem is focused on the exams and the stress they bring?

Would you say you feel like if you don't succeed an exam, it means you're worthless as a person?

>>36183698
>So you take the robot-problem by individual and you don't believe in a general group, am I right ?

You could say that. While many people here share similar symptoms and conditions, there are huge differences too. I take people as human beings here, I make no assumptions based on us being on this board.

>>36183703
A) maybe, but i never been this stressed for an exam, and some were as hard as this one. Could the stress be related to my mother losing her job, and then for her health issue? (still unemployed)
B) probably yes, at least not as worthy as my brother who's already graduated and doing he's second degree, or some of my friends at the uni who actually passed all of this exam already

>>36183769
Still me
Origamiorigano

>>36183769
>Could the stress be related to my mother losing her job, and then for her health issue? (still unemployed)

Absolutely, especially if this comes to your mind when you wonder.

>B) probably yes, at least not as worthy as my brother who's already graduated and doing he's second degree, or some of my friends at the uni who actually passed all of this exam already

Was there usually competition between you two? Did your parents treat you the same way?

>>36183812
They treated us the same way, but being twins didn't helped with the competition expecially when we were younger. Now i think we simply tolerate each other, sometimes we barely talk all day (the both of us are still living with our parents do we cannot totally avoid each other )

>>36183869

That's a sad relationship between brothers. How do you explain this?

>>36183882
No clue, i actually tried for some time to improve our relationship, but it was useless,to the point that even my mother noticed i was doing something to create some kind of bond between us but he simply didn't care

>>36183960

Does he dislike you?

>>36184001
I think so (almost certain) but i don't know the reason

>>36184065

Have you ever tried asking him?

How old are you guys?

Are you monozygotic twins?

>>36184078
Never tried, i don't even know how to start. He's very reserved and more or less he has this attitude of "leave me alone" even with my parents and relatives
23 almost 24 , monozygotic twin

mmorning

>>36184280

Try, some day. See what happens.

>>36184291

Hello you.

>tfw pica disorder
>tfw intense urges to chew on my phone until the glass breaks and metal twists and battery pops
>tfw know I'll probably die if I do
>tfw eating tissues rn to try to cope

>>36184354
>pica disorder

How many phones have you eaten thus far?

>>36184370
I've broken the screen on one before by chewing on it but my gums got shredded by bits of glass so I made a point of not letting myself do it anymore

>>36184352
I'll try. Will post results. Thanks for your time and consideration kindanon

>>36184401

Damn, man. Ever watched Freaky Eaters?

When did you start doing stuff like that?

>>36184409

Welcome, keep me informed!

>>36184354
>pica disorder
had not heard of that, sounds bad. you should get a dummy to chew on - i did that once was satisfing + will save your mouth

How do I stop caring about getting validation from others? I don't want to care about this anymore. I want to just be independent for once. I want to only care about what I think about myself. I want to actually feel confident in myself and feel like a strong person.

I dropped a bunch of acid and decided that the only way to do this was to kill my empathy. And so I came out of that acid trip with blunted empathy.

I don't think I ever actually cared about people, or at least not in full. I just want their affection because my childhood was barren of it. My dad was the only one to show me affection but he died when I was a young teen.

I don't know. I just want to feel like myself. I just want to be real. Fuck.

>>36184508
>I just want to be real
yeah LSD ain't gonna help you with that dood

>>36184508

Richard Grannon, people-pleaser, on YouTube. Good place to start.

https://youtu.be/mPmv9_UYpxo

You're on the right track.

Hey, Nick. I don't know how long I'll be up, but I thought we could continue as long as I am. Though, I am not sure which direction we were headed in (I'm also drinking in preparation for the coming slumber).

>>36184928
what ya drinking?

>>36184964
Just some shitty pleb-tier light beer.

>>36184928

Can you sleep without alcohol?

>>36184986
I prefer not to, and it's almost always a very small amount (certainly by European standards), but it's less about the alcohol than it is a dissatisfaction about not having control over my circumstances.

>>36184766
Why not m833

>>36185032
Didn't even read, but he's likely implying psychedelics will probably produce a derealizing effect rather than a return to normalcy.

>>36185009
>a very small amount (certainly by European standards),

Man, you have no idea what you're talking about. European standards would murder any American, I have no doubt about that.

Do you have sleeping issues every night?

>>36185077
>Man, you have no idea what you're talking about.
Color me confused.

>>36185111

I think I read that upside down. My bad.

Nick, why do toy do this? Are you even a psychologist? Do you actually think you can help people? I you actually think you ha e any of the answers or even know the right words to say? What are you even doing? Do you even know? Do you actually care about these random people's problems? The way you write is dripping with fakeness. You sound like a manager in a supermarket putting on a face of understanding in front of a miserable employee. It's funny. Do you even get these people? Do you even get half the shit you're saying? Would you actually want someone like you to tell your problems to? DI you think you'd actually get it?

>>36185261
I was beginning to regret my continued participation in these threads.

>>36185275
This has been answered before and for some reason I find seeing this line of questioning again and again annoying, so please browse previous threads and be enlightened.

>>36185280

I misunderstood your words and I'm still wondering how and why. I originally understood you were saying that European standards were lesser than American ones, but that's entirely on me, entirely my mistake. I'm trying to figure out whether it's mere inattention on my part or excessive defensiveness.

Forgive me, Meta.

Is there anything new on the idea of seeing a therapist yourself?

>>36185331
Are you at all attached to an identity as a European?
No, there's nothing new on that front. I genuinely could never afford it and don't fully believe they could offer me much more than an intriguing partner for conversations. I also am not positive I would allow myself to be totally honest in that situation.

>>36185275
>Nick, why do toy do this?

Helping people helps me too. There's little else I can do with my life currently.

>Are you even a psychologist?

If you ask whether I have any degrees in psychology, the answer is no. Do I have a deep interest in it, yes, do I have training in pathological psychology, yes.

>Do you actually think you can help people?

I don't think so, I know so, because they tell me. I wouldn't be on thread #28 if it never worked.

>I you actually think you ha e any of the answers or even know the right words to say?

Yes, otherwise I wouldn't do it. What I do here I also end up doing in real life, without choosing to do so. Things just naturally take a turn and I end up being everyone's confidant; my help is usually appreciated and sought after.

>What are you even doing? Do you even know?

Your barrage of questions makes me wonder whether you care more about your own questions than my answers, I'll still answer for everyone's benefit.

I am helping people, mainly these ways:

1. information, education
2. answering questions, asking questions
3. providing a listening ear and true empathy

I know what I am doing very well and frequently employ actual therapeutic techniques I have learned.

>Do you actually care about these random people's problems?

Yes, I do. If this sounds impossible to you, the problem lies in you. The reas why I can empathise so well is that I was raised to do so, my own mental survival depended on my ability to empathise with my abusers. Having survived, I've become exceedingly efficient at it.

cont.

>>36185275
>The way you write is dripping with fakeness. You sound like a manager in a supermarket putting on a face of understanding in front of a miserable employee. It's funny.

I don't actually think you have that impression. You are most likely projecting your own inability to care for others. No one else who interacted with me had the same impression.

> Do you even get these people?

When we share issues or when they have issues I am familiar with, yes, I understand them. When I don't, I ask questions to improve my learning and understanding.

>Do you even get half the shit you're saying?

Yes. I speak from my own studies and experience. If I am unsure about something, I will say so.

>Would you actually want someone like you to tell your problems to?

Yes. I probably actually already have that in the form of my own therapist. I don't think she's like me as a person, but I don't know her as a private person, only as my therapist.

>DI you think you'd actually get it?

Get what?

My turn for some questions. Does it make you angry that I run this thread? Why?

>>36185394
I have the sense of being able to "switch off" my abnormalities if I'm incentivized to do so. This is almost certainly an overestimation of my ableness and flexibility, but in a way my OCD seems something I could throw off in an instant if I really needed to (I used to tell myself the same thing about romantic love, that it was somehow voluntary, and that I could quit it any time I wanted).

>>36185394
>Are you at all attached to an identity as a European?

Some Europeans, yes. Many Europeans drink formidable quantities of alcohol; I felt the need to defend their hard-earned title of heavy drinkers. Too many people would die in vain if I didn't.

> I genuinely could never afford it and don't fully believe they could offer me much more than an intriguing partner for conversations. I also am not positive I would allow myself to be totally honest in that situation.

It wouldbe inefficient if you couldn't be fully honest, you're right on that part.

Is there absolutely no way you can get financial help for a therapist? Can you join some insurance? Someone like you needs a therapist. They would do much more than just intriguing conversations.

>>36185456

You have been able to switch off things last time, so yes, you can.

What effects do your rituals have on you? Be as precise as you can.

By simply existing I seem to hurt people. The only way I have moved on from trying to kill myself is by not thinking. It feels empty now, I've solved all of my situational problems and now I am left with myself. Uncaring, disconnected, empty me. I have nothing to talk to my therapist now it seems, she says I'm better but I still feel entirely lost to the most extent I can feel it.

Do I deserve to still feel this way when I've solved the bulk of my problems? Is it possible to switch off my conditional happiness and enjoyment and learn to properly feel? Hope this makes sense, my thoughts are an overbearing clusterfuck but I can't seem to properly articulate a single word to describe them. Thanks.

>>36185483
Again, I don't even think it is true that someone like me needs a therapist. Most of my OCD traits are inexorably intertwined with my current habitation. Were that to change, the individual centric compulsions I'm forced to deal with by virtue of my living arrangements would evaporate.

>>36185500
>By simply existing I seem to hurt people.

How literally do you mean this? As in, do you literally think that your existence hurts people, or that do you do and say things that actually hurt people?

I have to ask because some people would say this literally.

You seem to be in a very dark place. Things are not OK at all.

>Do I deserve to still feel this way when I've solved the bulk of my problems?

That's not how it works, I'd say. You don't have problems because you deserve them, you have problems because they haven't been solved. I don't feel like you've solved the bulk of them, or you'd not feel this way, and that is not to say you're responsible for them or their solving.

> Is it possible to switch off my conditional happiness and enjoyment and learn to properly feel?

Yes. That's what therapy seeks, amongst other things.

>Hope this makes sense, my thoughts are an overbearing clusterfuck but I can't seem to properly articulate a single word to describe them

It makes perfect sense to me and you did fine.

Do you have other symptoms, a diagnosis, any past traumas and such?

>>36185495
A sense of being able to lay concerns down to rest spawns when I successfully execute a ritual. The feeling of once again having the ability to focus and derive what should be my baseline pleasure from the objects of my enjoyment (fantasies, various media).

>>36185530
>Again, I don't even think it is true that someone like me needs a therapist.

You were raised by a schizophrenic mother, if memory serves. Anyone raised by such a person would need therapy.

>Were that to change, the individual centric compulsions I'm forced to deal with by virtue of my living arrangements would evaporate.

Is this a guess of yours or have you experienced it?

>>36185556

OK, so, security, comfort, peace. Can you share some more rituals with me?

>>36185568
Well, I haven't lived away from this person but I have obviously had physical distance between us before. It is true. Without the noxious possibility of contamination, there's no room for rumination.

>>36185614
>this person

Who would that be?

You aren't concerned about contamination from others?

>>36185552
God lol, I don't know. I feel stupid for even posting in here. I have been in worse situations in the past, but in those times I could at least understand where I was and why I felt the way I did. Now my mind feels like everything and nothing at once, like I said, I'm lost.

To answer your question, I mean it in which I'm unintentionally hurting others with by best interested in mind. If I am too kind when I don't mean it, relationships fall to pieces which is understandable. I want to be close with people and it seems the easiest way. I won't talk about the specifics of such, but does it make sense?

Therapy is dull, my therapist is like a 'yes man', I see no progress to be had there. Also, I was diagnosed with only anxiety and depression, though disassociation is an issue.

>>36185575
I'm not sure how many important ones I've even left out. The most urgent ones are to do with avoiding contamination. The rest are easily manageable and not really worth mentioning. That is why I assert that it wouldn't make much sense for me to enter into any sort patient role. It would be a waste of temporal and financial resources because there is nothing severely wrong with me.

>>36185636
For the most part, it revolves around a single individual. I have no doubt that a separation would effect a broader concern (it has in the past) applying to all people meeting certain criteria, but I am much more proficient at ignoring those presently (they also occur very rarely as things are now).

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>>36183284
>2
My parents split when I was 7 this destroyed a big part of my childhood
When I was 11 I got transfered to a shitty school where I was bullied
Kissless until the age of 18

I'm 19(soon to be 20) and getting my life up

Last friday I met a girl at the club ad made out with her for an hour or so, I texted her back and asked her on a date she agreed, I have no idea where to take her, movies is my biggest bet, also since we already kissed, and I touched her(in the breasts and ass) I don't know how to behave in the date should I kiss her? should I hold hands?

I am a retarded when it comes to social interactions that I have never been in

>>36185652
>To answer your question, I mean it in which I'm unintentionally hurting others with by best interested in mind. If I am too kind when I don't mean it, relationships fall to pieces which is understandable. I want to be close with people and it seems the easiest way. I won't talk about the specifics of such, but does it make sense?

Sounds like you're trying too hard to please, but don't realise that what others want from you is not "to be pleased", just like you don't expect others to just try to please you all the time. Would that be fair to say?

>Therapy is dull, my therapist is like a 'yes man', I see no progress to be had there. Also, I was diagnosed with only anxiety and depression, though disassociation is an issue.

You should consider trying someone else. A yesman is not what you need.

In my opinion, anxiety and depression are only symptoms, not conditions so to speak. Knowing you have them offers no solution per se. Dissociation is a biggy and requires more investigation.

You sound like you are fairly disconnected from many parts of yourself, which explains your confusion. You don't really know what's up and why.

Can you take a name related to confusion?

What's your worst childhood memory? Or one of them.

>>36185701
>a single individual.

Who you seem not to want to name. Who's that person?

>>36185724

Play it by ear. By simply observing her you'll know what can and can't be done. As to where to go, either ask her, or suggest something.

Relax, if she likes you, she will want to do things with you no matter how well you play your cards. This isn't a test. It's not an exam either, it's a date. Have fun!

>>36185786
I'm not publicly revealing any more personal information that could be recognized by someone familiar with me.

>>36185816

Saying who it is in relation to you won't divulge any serious information. I'm not asking for a full name with a middle name and birth date.

I, however, need to know who that person is with regards to you if I am to help.

You can always tell me by e-mail if you'd rather.

People don't know but as I run these threads, I'm also reading and responding to e-mails from anons who prefer secrecy. You have that option too.

>>36185833
I've suspected as much. It's what I was hinting at when I "wondered" why so much time had elapsed with no responses from you in a previous thread.

>>36185453
>Does it make you angry that I run this thread? Why?

Not angry, just jealous. You're right, I probably am projecting my own inability to care onto you. I can read people, but I can't actually care about them. People tell me that same shit all the time. For years I've been that guy that everyone dumps their baggage onto and then they feel better when I help them sort it out. I thought that studying to become a therapist was my future. But when I realized I can't actually care, I just didn't fucking know anymore. My future went up in smoke. And all I have left is myself and a lifetime's worth of confusion. I can't give love so I can't accept it. Affection feels fake to me, whatever direction it's going. I've only ever been able to love one person in my life, my father, but now that he's dead, so is my heart. Ever since then I've had to fake it. I can't stop myself from using it to manipulate people, like some femme fatale uses sex.

It must be nice to actually feel like you can genuinely care about people. Like you can actually love them. I don't remember what that used to feel like. I don't know if I ever did. I feel so fucking cold and I just want to be warm again.

Normally I wouldn't even bother making such a post, but I've been popping adderall for two days straight now and my impulse control checked out on day one.

>>36185853

I sometimes miss posts, too. It does happen. In every thread.

>>36185833
The more information I include, the more likely it is I could be recognized and the less plausible deniability I retain. I wouldn't be averse to an email conversation regarding it, though.

>>36185757
>Sounds like you're trying too hard to please, but don't realise that what others want from you is not "to be pleased", just like you don't expect others to just try to please you all the time.

This is correct, actually. Funny though, I'll retreat if someone else tries to return what I give. I was always jealous of people who could just be, or the people who's flaws I'd overlook in order to be friends with them.

Disassociation is frequent and unsettling, I have fears it may become worse. I don't think it was the result of any childhood trauma because I argue that I haven't experienced any.

My worst childhood memories consist of witnessing my mother's angry outbreaks. A specific memory that comes to mind is my father leaving for the second time, as cliche as that sounds hehe

>>36185869
>I've only ever been able to love one person in my life, my father, but now that he's dead, so is my heart

This is one of the hardest things I have read in these threads. You may not believe it, but I have tears running down my face reading your post. For personal reasons, but also because I can read your suffering.

Right off the bat, I think you are able to care but have closed that ability to protect yourself from further pain. Thus, you are still able to help others, but you keep yourself at bay so as to not connect with others the way you connected with your father, because doing so would reopen old wounds. We'll have to talk about your father.

>It must be nice to actually feel like you can genuinely care about people.

Yes and no. What I feel right now, with regards to you, is your anger and pain, and all I feel from it is sadness. I'm still crying as I type, manly tears, of course. To me, empathy is as much a gift as it is a curse. I don't always want to feel others' pain. It doesn't feel nice. What I like is feeling like I can help others, even if it means suffering along.

>Like you can actually love them. I don't remember what that used to feel like. I don't know if I ever did. I feel so fucking cold and I just want to be warm again.

That will be your core problematic I am sure. I am also sure we have to focus on the one person you could do that with, and possibly because of whom you can't do it anymore.

>Normally I wouldn't even bother making such a post, but I've been popping adderall for two days straight now and my impulse control checked out on day one.

You did well. I am glad I actually responded to you and didn't blow you off as a troll.

Tell me about your father.

>>36185884

[email protected]

I don't think anyone is out there looking for you on the Internet, but if it makes you feel safer, you can write.

>>36185927
>This is correct, actually. Funny though, I'll retreat if someone else tries to return what I give. I was always jealous of people who could just be, or the people who's flaws I'd overlook in order to be friends with them.

Swap places: imagine being them, imagine them being you, make sure nothing is one-way, make sure you too want something from others, and make sure you get it (respect, care, etc.). Don't give what you can't expect from others. Protect yourself so you can protect others.

>Disassociation is frequent and unsettling, I have fears it may become worse. I don't think it was the result of any childhood trauma because I argue that I haven't experienced any.

Describe your dissociation in detail and with concrete examples.

Also, when it comes to not having experience trauma in childhood, I was that guy, until I was no longer. Some abuse is more covert than the rest.

>My worst childhood memories consist of witnessing my mother's angry outbreaks.

Describe that.

>A specific memory that comes to mind is my father leaving for the second time, as cliche as that sounds hehe

Do you fear being left in relationships?

>>36185966
It doesn't matter if they're looking, just that it's possible to find me. I'm willing to continue the more abstract discussion here, for the edification of all who may find something worth reading in it.

>>36186050

Good reason.

Can anyone tell me if these threads are permanently archived anywhere? I need to know if it will be possible for me to go back to them to reread what someone wrote before.

Local archives last about a week or so.

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>>36183284
Apparently depressed and suffering from panic attacks, depersonalization. Dealing with medicine and more deattachment. All in all I end up self sabotaging myself all the time and in my point of view it's the biggest problem. I keep away things from people I care, end up lying a shit ton and eventually get tired from it or just unable to juggle it all and go back to stressing myself out and self destructive acts to complete my promises, because failing is not an option. I either succeed or crash mentally, which hurts my social life and me mentally. Honestly, I don't think I really care about people around me so I try to live up to being a man of word.

>>36186105

Read this and report back:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

>>36186070
I posted a desustorage link before. I don't know if all of them are on that site, but there should definitely be archives of pretty much everything posted here somewhere.

>>36185308
The reason that people keep asking is because they're afraid and confused. The sorts of discussions that occur in these threads necessitate making the speaker vulnerable and for that reason I think people are right to be suspicious: in general, people are here/ suffer mental illness precisely because of having been made vulnerable in the past.

>>36186172
I didn't say I didn't understand it. Just that it annoys me. One of my first posts in these threads was in fact a variation of the same question.

>>36186050
I can certainly relate. There are people whom I'd rather keep my doings hidden from whom I know use the site, if not the board. One can never be too careful.

>>36186190
Why should you feel annoyed, having asked the same? Anon users may be entering these threads cold, as you did in the first threads. Reassurance is important for most of us in order to share, I should think.

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>>36186170

Is this done automatically? Or do anons do it themseves?

By the way, when I read and respond to e-mails, my priority is always the thread. If I took time the other day, I must have missed the post, or I was working out, though I usually warn when that happens.

>>36186172

Good post. Very good post. I get that question about once per thread but always respond to it in earnest. It matters to me to show my "cards" so to speak, so that I can help more efficiently. Establishing trust is no easy thing, even on an anonymous website.

Besides, I rarely get questions for myself, so when I do, I savour it.

>>36186206

The plot thickens. Hello, Doctor.

>>36186031
Most of the time it is in the halls, surrounded by people and I feel the edges of my vision may as well be black and I've suddenly sunk into myself and don't notice my body.

In class, I felt the walls begin to melt and move so I had to leave and wash my face in the bathrooms, and even then the walls looked like they were shaking. I remember hiding in the cubicles with my head slumped into my hands because I was so confused. This has happened a few times. Other examples include not recognising myself in the mirror, and feeling like my body doesn't belong to myself. Or, once when I was hidden in my bathroom, I remember standing over myself and watching myself cry. It was surreal.

Mother felt trapped and isolated. She is immature and quick to raise her voice. I remember waiting for my friend to knock on the door one morning when I was very young because we would walk to school together, and as my friend arrived she witnessed my Mother screaming and hitting my brother, she ripped his shirt. I'd listen to her cry about us kids at night and then fuck my father. The worst of it was from 12 years onwards though, so more teen years than childhood like I described.

To answer your last question, I leave people in relationships as quick as I should be left. I am not so kind.

>>36186224
For the very reason that other anons are reflecting a similarity to me. If I hadn't first asked it, it wouldn't bother me. The quality of my impetuous post has been reduced by others independently arriving at it. Neurotic, ridiculous, but it's the truth. I would rather their fears remain than have it repetitively asked.

>>36186248
Hello, Clarice. I wonder, have the lambs stopped screaming yet?

By the way, I've established a video room for those interested in using it. As I discussed with Nick last night the format is much like an IRC chatroom - i.e. no voice chat - only, there's a video playlist to which users can add whatever they wish from YouTube and the like to share with the room.

>>36186307
Very honest of you. Do you very much resent seeing weaknesses in others that reflect your own? Do you struggle with your own company?

>>36186291

Heavy symptoms.

Heavy mother.

Damn...

Do you remember when your dissociation first started?

>>36186327
Yes to the first. It's among the most repugnant of behaviors to witness, those you know yourself to be all too capable of...

>>36186350
Why does this behaviour in particular strike such a chord for you, do you think? Isn't it reasonable to fear being taken advantage of? That's at the core of this, after all: Nick, posing as a quasi-professional, offers to help in exchange for personal, intimate information. Any person ought to exercise caution in entertaining such a premise. That includes you: you'd have been a fool to have volunteered your personal information alongside all of your weaknesses with no assurances of your own safety.

>>36186315
>Hello, Clarice. I wonder, have the lambs stopped screaming yet?

Funny you should ask that, I've rewatched some scenes between those two, and I had not remembered Clarice's past and core trauma:

Her mother died when she was young and her father was killed when she was ten,
leaving her all alone in the world, as an orphan,
which I must feel like because that scene triggered me hard.

>By the way, I've established a video room for those interested in using it. As I discussed with Nick last night the format is much like an IRC chatroom - i.e. no voice chat - only, there's a video playlist to which users can add whatever they wish from YouTube and the like to share with the room.

That's great. Feel free to link it.

I wonder what more we'll develop around this thread.

All the way to theme parks: RIDE THE SCHIZO RIDE

I'm so paranoid it's ruining my life. I hate leaving my house when others are home even though I have nothing bad in my room they can find. I change the password on my phone almost daily. I never want to post my picture anywhere online in the case that somehow someone I know will go on the exact same page such as this one and find it, even though nothing that bad can even come from it, and my name doesn't even begin with a j, I'm just using that in case someone I know sees this post and knows it me. I basically think that anything bad that CAN happen to me, WILL happen to me, and I feel like everyone is conspiring against me constantly. How can I fix this?

>>36186327

These are good questions. I imagined them being asked to my father. I remember being attacked whenever I showed weakness or expressed it. I think my father would have said yes to both, provided he could tell the truth.

>>36185275
Well my dude at least he cares enough to put on face and give it a whirl. That is better than a lot of the PAID mental health professionals out there, so it's a good deed.

>>36186394
>you'd have been a fool to have volunteered your personal information alongside all of your weaknesses with no assurances of your own safety.

I volunteered my personal stuff to a troll. I am a fool, sometimes.

I like your posts.

Hey I'm the trans girl that came and posted about my friend the other night.

You asked me a bunch of questions but never really gave any input about what I was asking about. So what gives?

>>36186394
Sure, it is perfectly understandable. I just don't care that they receive anything from this thread. I would rather it be significantly less popular, with only a handful (at most) of regular posters.

>>36186348
It isn't so bad, I figured out how to live with my mother in a way that avoids conflict, I don't intend on having a very close relationship with her in the future. She can be very lovely.

The issue isn't my mother, I put that under 'solved', or 'I don't think about it so it doesn't bother me' category.

Disassociation started on my 12th birthday, I described it in my last post, when I was in my bathroom watching over myself.

I don't know why I posted in here in the first place, don't take it personally. I'm being tested and I'm alone in my mind, and sometimes I think I'm going crazy. But other than that I'm fine. I need to learn to live with myself. I'll leave you to it. Best wishes Nick, from what I've read you have a lot to deal with yourself.

>>36183416
according to that because i kissed some sluts in school im apparently not a hikkikimori autist with no friends while on ssi

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>>36186449
How goes it nick?

You'll have to forgive me for being edgy here, but after all we're seldom able to control our subconscious minds: last night I struggled to sleep quite acutely. The mistake was going to bed earlier in anticipation of an early start, then inevitably awakening between 0200 and 0400, only to get back up at 0830.

Anyway, on the edge of sleep, in that midpoint reverie I was drifting between wakefulness and slumber, with a problem having been presented to me. A voice of some authority - an overseer of some kind - had told me that I was to extract information from some prisoners. I had been told that their lives were essentially forfeit and my methods would not be questioned. And so, I pleased myself with them until I was content. The task of the half-dream was to be creative and to make something that I could appreciate. Something that was, in a way, beautiful to me.

What do you think this means? Was it as simple as a power fantasy? I don't think that it was, because it wasn't really sexually arousing. It was more cold; more aesthetic.

>>36186400

Would you say you're on alert almost constantly and aren't sure why?

Did you have to be on alert as a child? Was there anything or anyone hostile in your environment?

>>36186448

This reminds me I should be paid. But all I want are Pepe's.

Pay me in Pepe's. C'mon, guys.

>>36186466
Well, fair enough.

>>36186449
Oh, Nick. Your naivete is as endearing as it is dangerous. Therapy moe.

>>36186457

I remember you. I forget where we left off, but it wasn't finished, so don't worry. Input is coming.

I was trying to find if anything made you feel bad for being a boy and I forget what we found exactly (mostly because another tran speaks to me and I'm getting things mixed).

Refresh my memory if you could.

>>36186521
Yeah on alert is a good way to describe it.

I was bullied a bit as a teen but it wasn't that bad, and I'd say it didn't really start until long after that happened.

>>36186466
>I would rather it be significantly less popular,

We're marching on major capitals of the world in 6 months, brace.

>>36186527
I'll pay in dr nicks. This situation reminds me of it a little not gonna lie, the demeanor too.

>>36186159
I think I have too much self control and less of outbreaks of that kind to be bpd

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>>36186563
One NICKel

>>36186563
Just found this thread and wanted to say what you're doing is superb - you're a good person

>>36186518
Control over aesthetic perceptions is still power, quite a lot, in fact. Anyone would want to have complete authority over when and what beauty they're allowed. Even so, I'm not a big proponent of looking for meaning in dreams beyond what you appear to be desiring in them.

>>36186487
>It isn't so bad, I figured out how to live with my mother in a way that avoids conflict, I don't intend on having a very close relationship with her in the future. She can be very lovely.

You developped coping mechanisms which are now maladaptive in your own adult life.

>The issue isn't my mother, I put that under 'solved',

The problem isn't your mother anymore, it's what happened in you because of her, and there's probably a lot more than you realise right now.

I'm not telling you to hate her, only to realise the damage done by her, to you.

>I don't intend on having a very close relationship with her in the future. She can be very lovely.

This is the typical thing I hear from many: something positive and right away, something negative that people with normal parents never say. I could have said the same about my own parents, and chances remain high that they bathed my brother and myself with their turds. Goes to show.

Does your mother have a diagnosis? Can you tell me more symptoms?

>. I need to learn to live with myself. I'll leave you to it. Best wishes Nick, from what I've read you have a lot to deal with yourself.

Don't go now, you're just about to discover important things (if I'm correct)! By all means, stick around.

>>36186504

I couldn't find the questionnaire he mentioned.


>>36186510

Had therapy today. Not enjoying my holidays beyond this thread, though. I'm pretty sad. You?

>>36186624
The weather getting better has made my hour a day of exercise goal easy, so it's pretty smooth right now. It's a lot, but it's what I need to not feel like trash consistently.

>>36186518
>What do you think this means?

>A voice of some authority - an overseer of some kind - had told me that I was to extract information from some prisoners. I had been told that their lives were essentially forfeit and my methods would not be questioned. And so, I pleased myself with them until I was content. The task of the half-dream was to be creative and to make something that I could appreciate. Something that was, in a way, beautiful to me.

It depends on what you were thinking of making: group painting, human pyramid with eletric wires?

>>36186605
My therapist is big on digging into dreams as well. Specifically, that each dream has a personal meaning and that two people having a similar one wouldn't necessarily mean the same thing.

Now that I think about it, it had some of the trappings of cooking about it. The main recreational expression that I have is to cook, and I consider myself somewhat accomplished there. So perhaps as you suggest it is to do with that aesthetic power. There was something about preparation and patience there. The person involved was barely present for me; he was the thing done to, if you see what I mean. The meal to be prepared. That isn't to say that I was actually going to eat him (though if I was, I blame these threads) but that the same enthusiasm and love was shown as would be shown to a piece of meat to be made into something greater than the sum of its parts.

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>>36186540

Pic related.

orgrinifadsa

>>36186558

What about your parents?

>origingisngisndinsogs

>>36186553
You asked me about my parents, and I told you about that, and about some things from when I was a kid. Other kids made fun of me a lot calling me a girl in elementary school and all that.

>>36186573

I didn't know of him, had to google. Kek.

>>36186575

Possibly. How many symptoms would you say you have and at what intensity? Even if it's only one, I need to know.

>>36186590
>Just found this thread and wanted to say what you're doing is superb - you're a good person

Thank you, Alexander, this goes straight to my strained heart. If you'd like to share anything, feel free to do so.

>>36186688
Living with my parents was the worse, any time I left the house i was terrified of opening the door when I came home, expecting them to sit me down and start shouting at me for something I forgot about, even though that pretty much never happened, and they just said hi as normal. I live with three friends now and it isn't much better, but I know they won't at least chew me out like my parents if they discovered something about me, which they probably won't since it's just me worrying. I don't get why I still get scared even when there's nothing bad about me they don't know already, it's starting to make me want to live on my own.

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>>36186660
>My therapist is big on digging into dreams as well. Specifically, that each dream has a personal meaning and that two people having a similar one wouldn't necessarily mean the same thing.

That's good. This may comes straight from CG Jung, my compatriot (just saying, don't be jelly, we Swissers can be good, HR Giger, Piaget, the guy who invented LSD, etc, just name-dropping from a medpack, oops, /pol/ reference).

>Now that I think about it, it had some of the trappings of cooking about it.

Sorry, I lost it at this point.

>>36186660
>That isn't to say that I was actually going to eat him (though if I was, I blame these threads)

That's probably my fault. Bon app[e]tit, Dr. Lecter.

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>>36186614
Yes, you're right. I can already list a few things in myself she has caused.
I can never raise my voice and feel immediately guilty if I do so, I isolate myself almost every day, I try to act as selfless as possible as a result of constant criticisms, etc. I also do the complete opposite; become self indulgent and loud as well as overbearing. I would either hide from her or rev her up when she was mad because it was pathetic. She has ADHD and depression.

I mean, the biggest issue is my father. But I fear I may be recognised if I go into too much detail about him. He is a broken man, I think he will kill himself. I haven't seen him in 4 months.

These are things I haven't discussed like this before, I feel vulnerable. Are you going to tell me I need to be at peace with my past and I will feel less loss? I don't think about it anyway, because there never was a solution, so I don't get hurt.

>>36186698

You're attracted to girls, right? And you even have a girlfriend, who's a girl from birth, yes?

>>36186659
Well, the part that strikes me the most was the commencement. So the room was, I believe, octagonal. All metal covered in grill and mesh, with a heavy steel door. In the centre, a man manacled at the ankles, with his wrists chained voerhead so that he could writhe but not meaningfully resist.

No, I remember coming into the room with a smile. Not a malicious smile, just the sort of uplifted feeling of going somewhere for a nice time. Like, as I mentioned, preparing to cook.

So I walked in and he immediately started up with a defiant tone:
>I'll never talk
>Allahu ackbar
That kind of thing. But I didn't speak at all. I just began cutting him. I had a small, sharp knife and I placed my index finger against the back of the blade and just started cutting. Just slashes, like brushstrokes. Here and there, all over in a measured way. Just so that I could enjoy the way that they looked. He was screaming but I didn't really hear. It was all visual.

Now, the scene moved on. I think I'd been working on him for some time, and I still hadn't asked him anything. He was blubbering and confessing this and that but I still wasn't really listening. In fact, I remember saying
>I don't believe you
despite not having heard what he had said. It had never been about the information, but I was telling myself that I just had to be sure that he was being honest by pushing him further.

So then, he was chained over a table - a sort of altar, almost - with the cuts exposed. Then, with a ladle (remember the cooking connection) I was pouring a extremely hot fat into the wounds a little bit at a time. I remember smiling at the smell, just as I would as a basting goes well. He was making some horrendous noises now.

Lastly, I remember pouring tar into the wounds. This was sealing them over (though I should imagine it would kill him because of blood poisoning) and making him - in the context of the dream - better. Tiger-striped all over. Like kintsugi, albeit black.

>>36186754
>Living with my parents was the worse, any time I left the house i was terrified of opening the door when I came home,

Pretty sure I remember that from the list of child abuse. Give it a look:

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

For the rest, I think you might have C-PTSD, complex post traumatic stress disorder. Unlike PTSD, it's more general, and not focused on precise events.

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/

>>36186811
Yeah, that's right. never really found masculinity attractive honestly

>>36186716
I think the last three, but they're really tame. I don't do anything which is not ordinary for a 20y/o binge drinking and getting myself in somewhat danger from time to time. Of course I feel intimidated if a relationship is failing and start questioning is it me or did I just got entangled into something unhealthy on accident. I have attempted to hurt myself, but it was years ago and I have never cut or done that sort of shit. A good punch to a wall or myself was always sufficient enough.

>>36186837
Thank you so much for this, a couple people have seriously suggested that i could have PTSD, but i waved it off without knowing that there was general kind of PTSD, I'll give the links a read. You're doing god's work, appreciate ya.

So i spoke with my brother, asking him if he hated me or what was the reason he was so distant with me and everyone in my family. Long story short, he avoided the question saying he's simply tired when he comes back from uni and somethimes he simply doesn't want to talk because he doesn't feel there is anything to talk about. Super generic stuff, but i don't really want to question him so much he flips and start accusing me of being annoying/wathever.
I also tried to speak with some of my friends about this condition i'm in, and more or less they both said i'm destroying myself over this and the previous exam and i should do something to relax myself. I'm not saying it wouldn't help, but every time i tried going outside to simply walk all o could think was "i should studying now, this is pointless". Maybe it would help in the long term, i don't know, but at the moment i feel i really touched the bottom if i had to seek help online (not to say what you are doing is useless Nick, i really think you are a great person trying to help the other on this board). I'm also almost ashamed to post this after seeing that a lot of the user have such problems that mine seems so unimportant or irrelevant, but i also feel i'm destroying myself, and i don't want to fall any further in this depression

>>36186802
>I can never raise my voice and feel immediately guilty if I do so,

This makes me realise that the reason why I felt like an asshole for my first few teaching months probably had to do with this.

Thanks for the surprising insight, anon.

>I try to act as selfless as possible as a result of constant criticisms, etc.

As I put it to my therapist: I felt like I had to apologise for breathing air.

>She has ADHD and depression.

I don't believe in the first anymore and I believe the second to be a symptom, not a condition. I'm convinced there's more and we'll find it.

>I mean, the biggest issue is my father. But I fear I may be recognised if I go into too much detail about him. He is a broken man, I think he will kill himself. I haven't seen him in 4 months.

Damn.

>These are things I haven't discussed like this before, I feel vulnerable.

That's good, it means you're doing something you're not used to. You'll get used to it, just go at your own pace. I can guarantee nobody will recognise you because nobody will care. And if someone did recognise you, why would you care? It makes no difference. Don't worry.

> Are you going to tell me I need to be at peace with my past and I will feel less loss?

No, not now. I'll tell you a lot but not this and not now.

Describe your mother's behaviour, and your father's if you can.

>>36186813
>No, I remember coming into the room with a smile. Not a malicious smile, just the sort of uplifted feeling of going somewhere for a nice time. Like, as I mentioned, preparing to cook.

Isn't your potential next job related to inmates? Maybe there's a connection with the shackled guy there.

>>I'll never talk
>Allahu ackbar
>That kind of thing. But I didn't speak at all. I just began cutting him.

Damn.

>tiger-striped

Damn, that's some dream.

>>36186857

Do you always "dress like a girl"?

I mean, it's 24/7 or do you have off times?

>>36186882

These symptoms are enough to situate the issue.

I'd advise you to read about BPD and its causes, just to see if you find anything of value.

Anything abusive about your parents? Or crazy?

>>36186930
I suppose that might be a source of anxiety. I really don't like to mix business with pleasure. It's been essential to my function to be able to keep my impulses in check - absolutely outside the equation - when I work. To provide a crude comparison, it's like how when I do judo there's nothing sexual in it, though were the context different there certainly would be. The two things are entirely and necessarily separate in my mind.

I also like Jung, by the way. Though Skinner is my favourite.

>>36186883
>i waved it off without knowing that there was general kind of PTSD

It's not very well known indeed. It will be official next year, but I suspect there's a shitload of conditions that go under C-PTSD.

If you feel like seeing a professional, you can go armed with this knowledge already, and find someone who knows about it.

Thank you for your kind words. : )

>>36185957

>you keep yourself at bay so as to not connect with others the way you connected with your father, because doing so would reopen old wounds.

I don't even know what those wounds are anymore.

>Tell me about your father

Its been 7 years. It only took a couple of months after he died to forget what month or day it happened. I still don't remember. My gut tells me that I don't remember much of him as a person. I don't know what to say about him. The pedestal I put him on is too tall for me to see him clearly anymore. What I can still feel, though, is his warmth. No one else would ever just tell me "I love you."

I can't write the way I truly feel about him. It's beyond romance. I think sometimes of digging his grave and stealing what's left of him. I just want to hold him again.

And he just had to die. Ever since, I faked it. I fake love just to hear those three words. I don't feel anything anymore. I'm convinced I'm never going to feel the same way about a human again.

I don't know what I'm saying.

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I'm getting bored so I don't know if I'll resume posting today. If I don't, bye Nick and Facet. If I do, I'll probably want to talk about sadism.

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>>36186959
Well I suppose they were so called alcoholics, separated when I was four and I did have to teach myself to live in the society while dealing with that. I live on my own now and have a goodish relationship with my mother.

>>36186900
>I felt like I had to apologise for breathing air.
Yeah basically this. I don't really know what you mean by describing their behaviour but I'll attempt anyway.

Mother is inconsistent, makes up rules when they suit her, hard working, fierce, selfless, impulsive, immature, and frankly I find her stupid. She bites off more than she can chew constantly. She is on dating sites and is insecure about herself. It was her birthday the other day, and she cried to me. Things between us have only really improved since then.

Dad is quiet, an ex military man, lonely, pathetic, a smoker with a caffeine addiction, he had a promising future and wasted it, skinny and sickly, into science, music and books. He is really intelligent, with an almost genius level IQ. He won't speak to me for a month. When confronted, he curled up, cried, and said I reminded him of my mother, and that I hurt him. He is a lost cause.

>>36186891
>So i spoke with my brother, asking him if he hated me or what was the reason he was so distant with me and everyone in my family. Long story short, he avoided the question saying he's simply tired when he comes back from uni and somethimes he simply doesn't want to talk because he doesn't feel there is anything to talk about. Super generic stuff, but i don't really want to question him so much he flips and start accusing me of being annoying/wathever.

He's avoiding the problem. Nevermind: you still showed him you were interested, and on some level, he must know that means you care about him. You did good, anon.

>I'm not saying it wouldn't help, but every time i tried going outside to simply walk all o could think was "i should studying now, this is pointless".

I tell my therapist the same. Anything done to relax myself will fail because I simply cannot give a fuck about anything other than what bothers me lately. Meditating, taking a walk, etc, all mean jackshit to me and aren't efficient. This shows you're in a more serious state than just casual anxiety and normal stress.

>but at the moment i feel i really touched the bottom if i had to seek help online

It's easier to rebound from the bottom, it's usually when you take your best decisions. Or your worst.

> I'm also almost ashamed to post this after seeing that a lot of the user have such problems that mine seems so unimportant or irrelevant,

If it makes your life unenjoyable, that's a serious problem, no matter what it is, friend. Don't compare, it doesn't matter. Same things affect people differently, because of how they were done, because of who the people are. It's always different.

I got physically abused (violence early in childhood, but also later), and it's not, by far, what hurt the most. Your suffering is serious, context doesn't matter here, you don't need context to validate how you feel. It's enough onto itself.

>>36186936
I mean sometimes I put more effort into my looks than others, but I don't like go in between presenting myself as male and female randomly. So yeah pretty much 24/7

>>36187006
I'll be here. If you do come back later on, we'll see about getting that room on the go. I'd rather not until later and you're one of the core members now, so it'd be good to have you.

>>36186967
>when I do judo there's nothing sexual in it, though were the context different there certainly would be

Thoughts of Anthony Hopkins manhandling delicious men in a kimono.

Can I ask what you studied or would that be too revealing?

>>36186980
Thanks, I'll definitely mention it to my counsellor. I've been thinking about trying to slowly let myself go of my paranoid habits, such as keeping my phone password the same, and maybe even giving it to my friends,since I know there's nothing bad on it. Do you think this would be a good idea? I'm already imagining myself having a panic attack because of it if I leave my phone at home, but it could help.

>>36187070
I don't mind. English, language, literature and writing. Perhaps not as sophisticated as you might have hoped, but there we are. I do wish I'd gone into law instead but at least I finished at the top I suppose.

You should try Young Hannibal. It was also enjoyable albeit it felt a bit teen fiction and revealed Harris to be a bit of a weeb. He has a Japanese adoptive mother who teaches him to use a katana and he uses a samurai face plate to foreshadow the famous muzzle.

>>36186989
>I don't even know what those wounds are anymore.

That's the extent of your disconnect.

>Its been 7 years. It only took a couple of months after he died to forget what month or day it happened. I still don't remember. My gut tells me that I don't remember much of him as a person. I don't know what to say about him. The pedestal I put him on is too tall for me to see him clearly anymore. What I can still feel, though, is his warmth.

Very worrisome in some ways, but at least we know where the heart of the matter is. Don't take this wrong, but I have to ask: are you 100% positive your father was a good person and it's not just a memory? Your last sentence suggests that yes, but I need to ask frontally.

>I can't write the way I truly feel about him. It's beyond romance.

Don't worry, you wouldn't be the first one who wants to get funky with daddy. Do you think you may be hiding some homosexual feelings in there which could explain your confusion and apparent absence of love? Just throwing ideas around.

>I don't know what I'm saying.

Don't worry, you're doing great. Really. It's a lot of heavy stuff, I can tell from your words.

How do you feel now?

>>36187006
>I'm getting bored

Feel free to ask or talk about what you want.

We can resume talking of geometry. I liked that.

What's your favourite basic shape?

>>36187030

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

Check this out and report back.

>>36187033

Jesus dubs.

Man, your parents were not the easiest start for life, for you. Goddamn.

Read this for your mother:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

As to your father:

>He won't speak to me for a month. When confronted, he curled up, cried, and said I reminded him of my mother, and that I hurt him.

Just what. What did she do to him?

Any other symptoms about your father? Actual examples of weird situations are welcome.

>>36187052

I'll ask anything, but keep in mind you never have to respond if you don't want to, OK?

How do you feel about your penis?

>>36187061
>you're one of the core members now, so it'd be good to have you.

This. You and Meta are the first two people from the thread that I remembered distinctly.

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I'm just going to drink a bit more and then we'll all determine the geometry of sadism together.

>>36187094
>Do you think this would be a good idea?

Yes. It's like behavioural therapy. I can only recommend it, yes. But go slow, be in control. Feel just a little unsafe at a time, and learn that it's still really safe by experiencing it.

>>36187221
True. Plus, I won't soon forget that you and he were both concerned about me when I had my last serious episode. I don't expect much kindness from people, so it meant something.

>>36187239
Enjoy. I'm on the vodka myself.

>>36187243
Thanks, well in that case I'll start by revealing my actual name, since being seen on this specific thread on this specific site is probably one of more unlikely worries

>>36187110
>I don't mind. English, language, literature and writing. Perhaps not as sophisticated as you might have hoped

Depending on how good your teachers were, that's sophisticated enough for me, since it's mostly what I studied too, minus writing, which I studied on my own, having no courses for that (Swiss people are not taught to create, we just intelligently observe what others do, usually.)

>He has a Japanese adoptive mother who teaches him to use a katana and he uses a samurai face plate to foreshadow the famous muzzle.

Kek be praised.

The movie Hannibal... based on the book, I believe I even read it somewhere, that Harris wrote it out of spite, because he had been forced, and that's why it's such a retarded film, with such extreme, cartoonish characters and scenes.

Have you seen Manhunter? This movie gets no love but it's absolutely good and the other Lecter is pretty good too, in a different way, but no less impressive in my opinion.

>>36187214
mixed feelings I guess. I mean yes I would have rather been born with a vagina, but the way I see it I might as well use what I've got. At least until I get on HRT and it starts to quit working right, because if I do start hormones that's probably something that will happen.

>>36187299
I haven't, but I have heard many people praise it as the superior work. For me, the book will always be the one. Did you read Red Dragon?

>>36187048
Well, now i am almost crying, which is strange to me, considering i usually deal a lot better with strangers sufference and stuff (with the uni we had to do some short internship, and the oncology part was... Interesting for the lack of better term). And it's not only because of what happened to you, which is tragic per se, but also because you are so good of a person, something i didn't really though i could found here on 4chan. It sounds cheesy but hey, that's what i think: you really try to understand people, and sometimes is enough.

>>36187195
Dad has PTSD from serving a few months overseas with the military. Because he is so quiet and can't handle confrontation, and because Mother is so loud and demanding, I'd hear her throw plates and chairs at him when I was younger because he couldn't speak in those situations.

Mother looks out for him, organises appointments, pressures him to get better. But also doesn't let him see his children. He lost his job, lives with his parents, is missing all the milestones in his children's lives, suffers from crohn's disease and is scarily skinny.

I never thought about Mother having BPD, mainly because it seemed like it could all be explained by her high stress levels and ADHD, I don't think she's that bad.

>>36187239

Very nice.

>>36187249
>I don't expect much kindness from people, so it meant something.

I had never actually wondered whether it meant something to you or not.

>>36187283

Nice to meet you, Ethan. Reminds me of h3h3, which I used to watch with my loved one. I'm now thinking of you as Ethan from h3h3. Enjoy.

>>36187351
>I had never actually wondered whether it meant something to you or not.
Ambiguous. Do you mean that you had assumed that it was meaningful, that it was not, or that you didn't care?

>>36187315

Permit my personal opinion here: I would postpone any HRT or operation until further notice. There are many cases of people who go past the point of no return, and regret it.

Another question: since you've never been a girl, how do you know that what you feel is "feeling like I should have been a girl"? I hope that makes sense.

>>36187327

I've never read any of the books. I strongly recommend watching Manhunter: 80's film (which wins me over automatically), great score (if you like 80's sounds), great acting from the main character (while he doesn't look like me much, we have stuff in common, like Clarice, actually, both are sensitive and have weaknesses they use). It's basically Red Dragon, but I think Manhunter is better, though I've only seen Red Dragon partially, and a million years ago.

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>>36187153
I suppose a lot of it fits. My mother did mistreat me emotionally. She was the biggest bully I had. Constantly saying I'm ugly, fat or scarred and no one will love me if I don't try to present myself. I think I was seven at most, not the biggest priority for a child. I don't think there was a lot of warmth since she was away for the most part or just annoying me or partying when she was around. I did have trouble undestanding why people react so strongly about some things, I did have attendancy issues also way too mature and I was kind of aggressive and stubborn still am if it comes to something I strongly believe in or care for. My friends often tell me I am calm and laid back but they still do somewhat fear me. I think a lot of things changed when she hit me that one time I tried to help her go to bed while she was drunk. I told her to do whatever the fuck she wants to do and to keep me out of it. Never felt any respect for her again, never really wanted to bond either before she fixes her shit. Besides that I was never hit at home, except one or two drunk misunderstandings.
Altough I still do hate disappointing her and put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to my mother. If she demanded me to do something I will, even I do not have the time or resources.

>>36187344
>because you are so good of a person, something i didn't really though i could found here on 4chan. It sounds cheesy but hey, that's what i think: you really try to understand people, and sometimes is enough.

Thank you, I'm touched by your words.

And yes, I believe that merely wanting to help already helps a lot. It's just easier to do confidently when you know you can actually help.

: )

>>36187249
>>36187351
>>36187381
In all honesty, I wouldn't have guessed that it would mean much at all.

Oh, if you're interested in getting into the mindset of my relationships (and there are differences since I'm not a criminal) then Blue Velvet is an excellent watch. Dorothy absolutely fits the profile of my little ones.

>>36187348
>Dad has PTSD from serving a few months overseas with the military. Because he is so quiet and can't handle confrontation, and because Mother is so loud and demanding, I'd hear her throw plates and chairs at him when I was younger because he couldn't speak in those situations.

Fuck, if I may say.

>Mother looks out for him, organises appointments, pressures him to get better. But also doesn't let him see his children.

Goddamn, she sounds super abusive to him.

> it seemed like it could all be explained by her high stress levels and ADHD, I don't think she's that bad.

No, and she doesn't have ADHD. My father was "diagnosed" with that as a kid, and what he is is a piece of shit narcissist, and your mother does narc shit too. Read this and report back:


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

Your mother throws dishes at your quiet father with PTSD: she is that bad. What is normal to you, because you're exposed to it, is not automatically not that bad. It is super bad. Damn.

>>36187381

I didn't think YOU would care, at the time.

i started college in fall of 2015 and i made no friends. its a big college and i just shut down because i wasnt used to interacting with so many people. my grades are suffering because of this partially. i stopped going to class and withdrew. i feel like i developed an aversion to my work because i hated the environment so much and being around overachievers just made me hate school so much. i couldnt focus and just had no energy. i want to try and get adderall. i spoke to a therapist and psychiatrist but they still dont understand. wellbutrin didnt work. i need to do better in the fall but i dont know how. its not like i worked through my issues.

my parents are abusive, never let me out of the house as a kid. i never learned to interact with people and now im just socially retarded. im a khv and i dont know how to fix myself. i know school is a priority and not friends and a boyfriend, but idk

my therapist says i may have "adjustment disorder" which is bullshit

>>36187517
>>36187464

It was the next day, when you asked after me. You showed concern.

>>36187449
>My mother did mistreat me emotionally.

Some of the worst abuse there is.

>Constantly saying I'm ugly, fat or scarred and no one will love me if I don't try to present myself.

Goddamn...

>My friends often tell me I am calm and laid back but they still do somewhat fear me.

You probably have the intensity of abused children. Shit is fucking serious to us, all the time. Despite being laid back and having a sense of humor, things are at stake in ways the non-abused don't understand. I imagine.

That's a heavy mother you have. You must learn to allow yourself your own will, against her. Allow yourself to separate yourself from her and not feel bad. If she asks something, you don't have to do it. And you must feel OK about it. It won't be easy, but do it.

I wrote a letter to my father recently, with some of the truest and hardest words he will have ever read from anyone, and I was concerned about hurting him, and my mother, despite their being demons from hell who did not have 1% of the concern I showed them for me when I was a child and even later.

But you need good limits to protect yourself. She's an adult, she's the parent, you're not in charge of her.

>>36187466

I like Lynch most of the time, but I'm not sure I can stand that breather rape scene again.

Do you think Lynch abused his daughter?

>>36187508
It was in the past, they don't speak any more. I understand it on both ends. She is very insecure and childish on occasion, I promise she isn't a narcissist. She calls me one all the time, and any other name or statement that refers to being a selfish narcissistic bitch.

She feels remorse for being like this on occasion, but she can't apologise unless she is ready. The reason she wouldn't let my father near us is because he was distressing to be around, you can see his skull through his cheeks. When I was 14, he showed me a text from my mother and just cried to me. He almost died in hospital last year. Its a shitstorm, desu. If I were him I would have necked it by now. Mum is responsible for his therapist appointments and doctors appointments too, she does help with these things because he cant himself.

Sometimes she talks about him positively, others negatively. Sometimes she helps him and others she's fed up with him.

>>36187135
I don't have a favorite of most things you would expect a response to in icebreaker situations. I tend not to choose favorites of any category because I'm continually finding new aspects I can have an enjoyable reaction to. I'm perfectly content to continue digging into fundamental philosophical differences between us.

Facet, I was going to respond to your post about sadism, but most of it relates to me. I'm simply curious if any of it resonates with you. In particular, the pleasure derived from the act of comforting someone undergoing despair reminded me of something in myself I only very recently came to consciously appreciate. My oldest and most persistent fantasies involve inspiring and and then assuaging extreme fear of myself, perhaps after being mistaken for or rumored to be a kind of monster. I then get to have the satisfaction of relieving their worries and reestablishing myself as a trustworthy person. This has been with me as early as 4, I believe. It has only been within the past few days that I became aware that this has really defined my psychology more than any other single trait.

>26 posters
>190 posts
>posting every fucking minute

baka fampai

just make a fucking discord or VOIP server if you want an in depth conversation

>>36187633
Fear of myself in others. Might not have been clear.

>>36187418
I'm well aware that regretting HRT is something that could happen if I go that route, that's why I havn't done it yet, and if I do pursue it I plan on talking with a professional to help me decide.

I think I understand your question, but I also think the way you put it is a little too vague for me to really give a useful answer. I guess it's not an easy feeling to explain. Are you looking for like examples of what makes me feel like that, or wanting me to describe the feeling, or something else?

Reading through that article triggered a few different memories of my father that I'd like to share. I don't think that they relate to narcissism, but they're not healthy.

I remember one Christmas as a very small child, I got a selection box. We were poor so we got few presents. Being a young child I just ate the lot. He was sure to tell me what a horrible, selfish child I was for eating them all and offering him none.

We went to a children's museum with a Chinese dragon outside. Again, I was very young. I climbed all over it, as I was wont to do, and a tooth snapped. He pulled me close, and hissed that children came from all over the world to this museum. They all came to see the dragon, and now I had ruined it for all of them.

He described how, as a teenager he could astrally project; he described it as ascending from his body and 'floating on a wave of pure evil'.

He mentioned that he willed someone to die, and then they did.

He once described watching an ambulance crush a person to death against a wall and then simply driving off, which he says scarred him for life. However, I'm not sure it happened.

After he had an affair, my beleaguered step-mother at the time apparently kissed someone else. He spent a while cutting spirals into his hands (the scars of which remain today), and cutting himself in order to use the blood to 'summon a demon to punish him'.

He would catch rats, and hang them in the garden 'as a lesson to the others', and then gleefully show these trophies to his severely autistic sons (who're significantly damaged by this point).

When my brother was in hospital having suffered a schizophrenic break, we went to hospital. I was doing poorly myself having taken it very hard. He made sure to tell me when we went in
>For God's sake, don't make it all about you for once.
As you've probably guessed, that's exactly what he did.

>>36187606
Hm, was it rape? I have no idea about the director's private life.

>>36187633
There's a lot to unpack there. I don't think that it's something that I seek out, but I do see myself as saviour and monster simoultaneously. In the end, the latter must overwhelm the former.

>>36187807
Why must it?

>>36187833
A monster who acts kindly is still a monster. A saint who behaves monstrously is also a monster. Regardless of the good, the bad is what will be remembered. It's all that will matter in the end.

>>36187863
Humans also tend to remember things that refer to themselves more than information about strangers, but that doesn't mean those strangers have less existence or importance, except in the mind of the rememberer. Why do you privilege the memory of evil?

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>>36187526

You probably have complex PTSD.

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/

It really isn't your fault. You probably have low self-esteem, it's not your fault.

You're a survivor.

Read and report back.

>>36187621
>She is very insecure and childish on occasion, I promise she isn't a narcissist. She calls me one all the time,

What... She calls you a narcissist?

>She feels remorse for being like this on occasion, but she can't apologise unless she is ready.

Meaning she can't until she has to to get what she wants?

>The reason she wouldn't let my father near us is because he was distressing to be around, you can see his skull through his cheeks.

Does that sound like a good reason to you?

>Mum is responsible for his therapist appointments and doctors appointments too, she does help with these things because he cant himself.

Not sure how I feel about that. He needs total support, not half help and half abuse. He'd be better off with an assistant. Could you help him instead of your mother? Or anyone else?

Such is the nature of humans. Acts of Good have worth in service to God. Worth far beyond the value of a single sinner. The value of a life is immaterial provided the balance of Good outweighs the deeds done in service to the Deceiver. Judgement and legacy are meaningless. Even the Serpent may serve Christ when he rests his fangs in those who would injure Goodness itself.

>>36187943
I know about CPTSD but my therapist says I need to stop labelling myself and I need to find the discipline to study. I keep trying to explain, but he doesn't get it. He just thinks I'm lazy.

>>36187664
>if you want an in depth conversation

I want an in depth conversation with your asshole.

>>36187684
>Are you looking for like examples of what makes me feel like that, or wanting me to describe the feeling, or something else?

All of that.

>>36188007
lol this could be fun

>>36188047
I've awoken out of necessity; the contradiction of a Good or an Evil soul. I represent another perspective. I seldom have reason to speak or to occupy outside of church, so this should be enjoyable.

>>36187998
I'd rather not be around my father at all. This is much more complex than someone like me can describe. But yeah, she calls me a selfish narcissist, points out when I start using too many sentences that start with "I" when we're out having a family dinner or something.

Anyway, Dad is living with is family in another state and is seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist and doing group therapy.

I didn't want my siblings around his sickly figure, they cry at night when they think about him. They're scared of him dying. No child should have to console their father that was once capable of giving them everything, even after he came back from war.

Forgive me but its late, and I need to sleep. I could speak to you in another thread or something I suppose. Thank you for being a listening ear, it feels better here than it does in therapy.

>>36188087
What exactly has been contradicted? Does your perspective conform to a popular denomination?

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>>36187768
>I don't think that they relate to narcissism, but they're not healthy.

They do.

> He was sure to tell me what a horrible, selfish child I was for eating them all and offering him none.

Instead of explaining what you did wrong, how to do right, and making sure you know he loves you even though he teaches you how to live. I fucking hate your parents.

>He pulled me close, and hissed that children came from all over the world to this museum. They all came to see the dragon, and now I had ruined it for all of them.

Making shit up about others and how they'd feel about you. In reality, a broken tooth looks even more badass on a dragon.

>he described it as ascending from his body and 'floating on a wave of pure evil'.

Now that's just plain weird and fucked up. What the fuck? What? What did he even mean?

>He mentioned that he willed someone to die, and then they did.

Do you think he believed it? Either way, fucked up.

>He spent a while cutting spirals into his hands (the scars of which remain today), and cutting himself in order to use the blood to 'summon a demon to punish him'.

Goddamn... Pic related. Was your father a satanist? I know some narcs who really think themselves some occultists.

>He would catch rats, and hang them in the garden 'as a lesson to the others', and then gleefully show these trophies to his severely autistic sons

If he believed rats would take the lesson, he might have been projecting a shitload. Who are the autistic sons?

>As you've probably guessed, that's exactly what he did.

Yeah, your father is a king amongst narcs, crown of shit and liar's chair and all.

>>36188110
The contradiction was in Facet's claim that Good and Evil could not co-exist, or that Evil must always take precedence. That is a limited, and selfish view. A human view, bound up in reputation and gossip. All that matters is the march of righteousness, and even the foulest demon may march even if he may not be redeemed. To march is right; to think only of reward is fickle.

>>36187863
>A monster who acts kindly is still a monster.

You once told me that people were in general defined by their actions. A monster who acts kindly is more than a monster when he does that, if he does it for the same reasons a saint would do it, of course.

>Regardless of the good, the bad is what will be remembered. It's all that will matter in the end.

I remember the good from you more than the bad, since I see the bad as a dysfunction, a problem, while I see the good as who you really are. The good is the person you'd be all the time had you not suffered yourself. Because of that, the bad is just a glitch and doesn't matter beyond protective measures.

>>36188151
Where is Facet now? Responding to the rest...

>>36188007

Damn... Did you shift?

>>36188020
>I know about CPTSD but my therapist says I need to stop labelling myself and I need to find the discipline to study. I keep trying to explain, but he doesn't get it. He just thinks I'm lazy.

Fucking hell, these fucks have degrees? Please drop his ass faster than you can say it. Fucking hell... Keep in mind some therapists are really fucked up. Find someone who's serious. You don't need invalidating retards hindering you.

You don't lack discipline, your problems are different.

>>36188214
Apparently... He said he was having vodka.

>>36188198
I'm still here. I'm going to respond to Nick. It's His time now, but the post I'm about to respond to was definitely to me, and it stirred me. I can't help but feel powerfully about things to do with my Dad. After this though, I'll just be able to rest. I'll drift back out, zone out to cartoons or something. Just go to sleep essentially.

>>36188187

I appreciate that. It's difficult to understand but thankyou. I think I would be different as well. It doesn't change what I have become, however. The reasons do not excuse that.

>>36188087
>I've awoken out of necessity;

Nice to meet you, if I am to go along with this. Was it that hard for "you" to imagine the possibility of people being both good and evil?

What's your opinion of me?

What do you call your "main you"?

>>36188105

Welcome. I hope to speak with you again. Very heavy stuff.

>>36188239
The only reason I go see him is because he's at my counseling center at my college and I didn't have the means to go somewhere else. My mother didn't allow me to get any medication from my GP/pediatrician but now I'm doing terribly in school.

>>36188151
How can righteousness matter if not as a contrast to evil? Does it not depend on wickedness for its very worth? What does it mean to march? How could a demon "march for righteousness "?

>>36188266
It makes no difference to me whether you'll entertain the idea. Think Facet mad, if it pleases you. He is the 'main identity' if you like. I'm merely a passenger. A moral arbiter, to whom he rarely pays heed. He summoned me. He wrote my name upon his flesh, and now a part of me is bound to him.

>>36188151
>A human view

What do you think you are?

>>36188252

True.

inrneigneignege

>>36188293
The worth of a single human is what does not matter. If a person commits one good act, that act will be added to a pool and therefore has value. The reverse is also true, but my point is that no good deed is wasted. Even a truly evil person who has done one good deed has made a contribution. They must be damned to Hell, but their service nevertheless has value.

>>36188303
I am the faintest flicker of an angel's shadow.

>>36188300
>It makes no difference to me whether you'll entertain the idea.

That's not really how I meant my question. I'm surprised you'd express not caring, however.

>Think Facet mad, if it pleases you.

Sounds like you are mad, not him.

>A moral arbiter, to whom he rarely pays heed.

He seems very aware of what you think, on the contrary. I think he even says you're the good in him.

>He summoned me. He wrote my name upon his flesh, and now a part of me is bound to him.

He did? Can your kind be summoned?

I guess there's not much reason for me to stick around now. I'll definitely be reading, though.

>>36188379

Feel free to question Samael too.

>>36188351
>I am the faintest flicker of an angel's shadow.

Where do you come from?

>>36188351
What results from the type of action designated as good?

>>36183284
Can i kill myself now Opie?

>>36188394
I didn't fully understand what Facet said about his father and it being "your time", so I thought he'd just be responding to you.

>>36188364

>He did?
He engraved the name of Samael beneath his skin. He acted from Faith, and in God's Name I came to him. I have been with him since his childhood, but his expression of trust in the Lord, more than a decade ago, was a significant one. Faith is always rewarded.

>Can your kind be summoned?
I am here.

>>36188405
All things come from the Lord.

>>36188413
The ultimate triumph of Life over Death, and the confinement of Satan, the Father of Lies.

>>36188418

Nope. Stick around and talk!

>>36188443
>I didn't fully understand what Facet said about his father and it being "your time"

He said

>His time

Capital H. That's Samael. He was talking about it being Samael's time.

>>36188443
You misunderstood. Facet was referring to me, not Nick. Improperly, he used 'His' because of a mistaken understanding that angels should be capitalised in this way. In fact, only the Holy Trinity are indicated in this way.

>>36188448

You do a good job not answering my questions with the answers I'd like to have.

What's your purpose in Facet's life?

>>36188453
W-well, i've been feel a good for nothing for past my life.

at least I-i had a dream when i was younger, that makes me happy

>>36188482
>In fact, only the Holy Trinity are indicated in this way.

Depends, not every Bible capitalises the H, even for Christ.

If you know this, shouldn't Facet know it too? Do you keep secrets from him?

>>36188448
Are you certain the metaphysical picture of reality you cling to is absolutely true? Where would you put your level certainty relative to a scale of basic facts, like where you live, or the axioms of logic?
Why should the ultimate triumph of life be intrinsically valuable?

>>36188496

Tell me more.

oeihewiohwubgek

>>36188470
>>36188482
I see. Should've suspected the capitalization wasn't just a mistake.

>>36188490
My purpose is only to serve God. I will provide instruction and act when Facet is weak. I will try to protect him from Evil.

>>36188508
His understanding is flawed, and incomplete. As is mine, for that matter. I am but a shade, corrupted by flesh. To attempt to fully control with the brain is ultimately hubris. Faith is all that matters. When the mind cannot reason to completion, this only proves the fallibility of thought.

>>36188510
Life, as in the Life Eternal that is God. Only Faith and the belief in God are true. All other things are deceptions.

>>36188033
Alright, so around the time I started getting really depressed (started around maybe age 16) I was rejecting how I felt about myself pretty hard. I started getting really insecure about things like my sexuality, how short and skinny I am (I'm 5'6', ~115lbs), what kind of impression people got from me, etc. I started working out a lot, trying to bulk up (which didn't really work), I wore clothes that were way too big for my frame in an effort to look bigger than I was, talked a lot about typical "manly" things that sometimes I wouldn't know anything about or even be remotely interested in (I have a hunting license, but I've never done more than shoot targets) , and started getting very vocal about my hatred for gays/trans people (I suppose this was sort of a defense mechanism. Who would think I wanted to be a girl when I seemed to hate people who were like that so much?). I always sort of felt like an interloper though. No matter how much I tried to commit to being as masculine as possible, I always knew it didn't quite feel right. I started getting really paranoid after a while that somehow people knew how I really felt, and this just compounded all of my insecurities. I felt like I was being judged constantly for something no one even knew about me. Since I've come out and started living as a girl, I've noticed I've become a lot more confident, and I feel "more like myself".

I guess the feeling is sort of like a persistent uneasiness. Things like my facial hair coming in, or certain more masculine feature of my face and body give me this weird sort of anxiety. Like they don't fit in with what I feel like I should see when I look in the mirror. Since I've started wearing breast forms I've noticed I get the same weird uneasy feeling when I'm not wearing them. Sometimes this feeling is mild and ignorable, other times it's sent me into full blown panic attacks, but since I've gotten comfortable with living as a girl I notice it less and less.

>>36188581
>I will try to protect him from Evil.

What is the evil you protect him from now? And where were you when he killed the edgehog?

>>36188608

Hedgehog*

>the edgelord

A diagnosis would be nice here, I've been waiting week to see a psychiatrist but there's a long waiting list.

So I go through this cycle every few months

Phase 1: everything bothers me: smells, sounds, temperature, people. I'm constantly irritated, this leads to stress and anger.

Phase 2: this irritability starts to get out of control and I have hallucinations and illogical thoughts.

Phase 3: become a total trainwreck, start drinking and getting into fights, while finally attempt to commit suicide.

Phase 4: someone survive even though I take huge overdoses, and spend the next few weeks in total apathy, the opposite of phase 1: I don't care about anything.

This is happening more and more frequently now... what could it be?

i started taking lexapro and risperidone

last week, i got a weird side effect where i couldn't close my eyelids, my facial muscles got fucked up

went to the ER and they thought it was due to the risperidone

went to the psychiatrist and he told me it's probably not a side effect. it happened at a lower dose and if it was a side effect, my eyes would've literally rolled or something

he thought it was catanoia and the psychosis coming back and increased my dose

wtf is catanoia? does his reasoning even make sense?

>>36188608
All things must die. What evil is there in death, or suffering? Men are stewards of the Earth, and on that count he failed in his stewardship. To deny him the right to Free Will would be heresy.

>>36188592
>other times it's sent me into full blown panic attacks

Heavy stuff. Are there other ways in which your identity feels unstable?

since taking lexapro my dick has gone limp

fuck me, i'm gonna stay a virgin forever

>>36188618

I'll drop links almost at random just so you can see, but I'll have questions.

Any traumas in your past?

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

Read this.

>>36188618

Gonna add some examples at each phase to clarify what the symptoms are

Phase 1 (irritability) - someone opened a can of tuna in the office and I couldn't work for the rest of the day, I fantasized about smashing it in his face all day.

Phase 2 (mania) - i will hallucinate people trying to kill me and think if I perform a certain action I will save the world

Phase 3 (recklessness) - drink and drink for days on end just smashing things and fighting people

Phase 4 (apathy) - sit in bed staring at the ceiling, not eating or shower or anything.

>>36188581
How much knowledge do you share with Facet? Do you recall conversations he and I had?
So, if eternal life in the one true God is the only truth, does proselytizing matter? God will be nonetheless omnipotent even if no one worships Him.

>>36188530
Y-you know, i think it goes way back when i was 2nd elementary school, my only friend said he wanted to stop being my friend.

it kind of torn how i relate to others since then, if i'm not mistaken.

>>36188626
>catanoia

Catatonia, it could be. Look it up and see if it fits.

I think I read your post from the last thread, after I was gone.

You couldn't close your eyelids? For how long?

I have almost all of BDP and SPD symptoms, do you think I could have both?
Seems a bit confusing.

>>36188638
>Men are stewards of the Earth,

God wouldn't have sacrificed Himself for gardeners. Men are more important to God than the garden, the earth.

>To deny him the right to Free Will would be heresy.

Which is what you do when you take over, don't you?

>>36188707
like 30 minutes or so. it went away the moment i got on the car to go into ER

i tried looking up catanoia but the definitions don't even make sense to me

>>36188592
All memes and my personal opinions about transpeople aside, the only thing that should matter to you is yourself and your happiness. If identifying as a girl gives you confidence and wellbeing, it is a good thing.

Do you feel content as is, or do you intend to go further with the transition?

>>36188647
unstable how? I've never felt like I had multiple identities or that kinda thing if that's what you mean, just that something about myself seemed "off".

>>36188648

Maybe you don't even need it. What do you take it for?

>>36188684

Take a name, please. It may be a type of bipolar, but has strong elements of BPD. I'd go for Borderline for now. You have intense reactions to events and loads of classic BPD symptoms.

You need serious help soon!

>>36188672

Hi thanks for responding, I forgot to use a name so I'll go by 'borderline', even though I don't think I am because I don't feel a need for friends or relationships, I prefer to be alone, and don't have a fear or abandonment.

But I think you've made a good guess based on the little info I gave.

No trauma, except possibly beatings as a child but I think they were common in my days.

Someone thinks I'm autistic because of the heightened senses.

>>36188685
I don't have access to that. You treated him kindly when he was ailing; or rather when he was overcome with weakness. That is the limit. He and I share some information but not all. It's not always possible.

The purpose of mankind is to bring veneration to God. The purpose of all things are to glorify His Holy Name. God does not want for power; his power is limitles. In worshipping him though, mankind may realise its potential. It is for your own joy that you owe him thanks and praise.

>>36188727
Is a sleeping man denied his free will? As you have seen, you are able to rouse him. I do not wrest control from his hands. To do so would be to overstep my bounds.

>>36188763
>Maybe you don't even need it. What do you take it for?
doctors think i have schizophrenia because i experienced psychosis not long ago.

but i'm not getting the symptoms anymore

>>36188701

This may have broken your trust in people and made you feel worthless. Describe how you felt.

>>36188711

Yes, these things are frequently comorbid with each other. Which SPD do you think you have?

>>36188728
>i tried looking up catanoia but the definitions don't even make sense to me

Usually paralysis of the body for mental reasons.

>>36188731
>If identifying as a girl gives you confidence and wellbeing, it is a good thing.

Wrong about many personality disorders. Imagine saying this to a narc:

"If identifying as a cunt and abusing others gives you confidence and well-being, it is a good thing."

Not always. I'd like Kayla to understand herself fully before undertaking measures that cannot be undone.

>>36188825
i still have a hard time following the doctor's reasoning

so paralysis of the body because of mental reasons? it could easily be a side effect and he didn't even lower the dose, but actually increased it. wtf

do psychosis episodes usually end up as a diagnosis on the schizophrenia spectrum?

>>36188747

That's what I mean. If you do undergo treatment, before you transition, try taking male hormones or something to adapt your brain to your actual body, instead of the opposite. I know people who did something like this and it worked for them.

>>36183284
my mother is having a hard time today and has just been diagnosed with PTSD

>>36188618
>>36188711

Let it take the time it takes. Speaking as a former medical student, self-diagnosing something so severe as a personality disorder is almost impossible. Not even ordinary doctors do that, they'd refer you to a specialist who has expert knowledge and experience in the subject and recognises things when they see them.

As you probably have noticed, the listed symptoms for all kinds of disorders overlap a lot between disorders and never appear as textbook examples in real life. Add to the fact that personality disorders are exceedingly rare.

>>36188772
>No trauma, except possibly beatings as a child but I think they were common in my days.

Common or not makes no difference. Entire societies can give themselves BPD from generation to generation, by doing the same shit their parents did. I believe some disorders have become cultural, that's how widespread this is.

Heightened sensitivity is often linked with autism, if you can't stand flashes and such, but I'm not sure that's the problem. You probably feel attacked when someone makes you smell their food.

>>36188810
Oh with SPD i meant "Schizoid Personality Disorder"

Just making sure we are talking about the same thing here, lol

>>36188853
It just sounds to me like she's experiencing some form of gender dysphoria. Her identifying as a girl doesn't affect anyone but herself.

This age of Lillith the Seducer is noxious indeed. Mark: as much as it is a product of your own workings and permissive nature, it is a test. It is your duty to resist the temptations and corruptions presented to you. Do not allow yourself to become twisted in mind and flesh by deceit. The 'trans acceptance movement' is a machination of Satan. I implore you who would fall to temptation: reconnect with your intrinsic self. Seek self-acceptance, and aspire to better yourself. Become a man or a woman as you were born to be. There are many types of each; you will never be the opposite, no matter how you might wish it to be so.

>>36188775
>The purpose of mankind is to bring veneration to God.

Unfortunately for you, I used to be Christian and read a lot on the faith. You venerate saints and Mary, but you worship God, the only One Who should be worshipped. Not sure why you slipped, Sammy.

>It is for your own joy that you owe him thanks and praise.

I now know why Facet doesn't heed you too often. You make God sound like a narcissist.

>Is a sleeping man denied his free will?

Only if you fed him sleeping pills against his will or knowledge. You taking over isn't like him going to bed.

>>36188783
>because i experienced psychosis not long ago.

Describe that and take a name.

>>36188865
>it could easily be a side effect and he didn't even lower the dose, but actually increased it. wtf

What makes you think it's a side effect of the meds?

>do psychosis episodes usually end up as a diagnosis on the schizophrenia spectrum?

Yes, psychotic episodes are pretty intense symptoms. Describe it if you can.

>>36188775
How are you so sure of all that?
Are you still aware when Facet is in control or is it unconsciousness?

>>36188792
Uhh, how do i put it, deep down i feel gray, like there's a chair and a room with smoke-lighting waiting for me to sit there. it doesn't dissapear. it just .. right there.

now that you mention it yes i don't trust people to the point i wouldn't really care what happens to myself anymore. i don't feel spark of people around me i only half-getting what somebody tells me. i become compensatory-narcssistic.

>>36188948
basically i was experiencing symptoms of psychosis and paranoid schizophrenia

i was extremely agitated because i thought everyone was against me

paranoid as fuck

thought i would get arrested by the police any time soon

attempted suicide and ended up at the hospital

even at the hospital i thought crazy shit like the food being poisoned, or the tv having secret messages

>>36188965
>What makes you think it's a side effect of the meds?
well what else could it be? they took a blood test at the ER and didn't end up with anything

>>36188938
Veneration is a weaker form of worship, thus subsumed under it.

>>36188938
If I confuse veneration and worship, then I apologise for my poor command of language. I understood the two to be interchangeable.

A narcissist is a man who thinks himself God.

>>36188969
I'm only sporadically aware. Typically, I'm disinterested and therefore, I cease to be present unless an issue warrants my attention. I was last awakened in church - without alcohol, I should add - because it was acutely significant to me and not to him. He lacks the belief required of him, and for that, I despair.

>>36188892

Like I said I'm waiting for a diagnosis but I've had a nurse come over and check on me because of suicide attempts.

And you're right, it's very easy to tick of a few symptoms convince yourself that you have a personality disorder, so I have avoided that.

>>36188898

Well there's other signs of autism... I know it's over-diagnosed so I don't want to throw the word around, but I have spent thousands of hours memorizing random stats and getting obsessed with narrow topics nobody cares about. I'm also socially retarded like everyone else here, and have a very specific routine that I follow on most days during my normal life.

Anyway thanks for your help, is there anything I can do in the meantime either to feel better or prepare for treatment?

>>36188938
You must've been Catholic.

>>36188892

There's a lot of untruth in your post, so much that I must interfere.

>self-diagnosing something so severe as a personality disorder is almost impossible

Very untrue for many personality disorders. It's far from almost impossible. It depends what you have and how severe it is. It's not easier for professionals, who very often get things wrong; I've seen this time after time, even about myself.

> never appear as textbook examples in real life

Very misguided. Some people are living textbook examples of their disorder, to the point where you never thought "real life" could be such a caricature. Grandiose narcs are a prime example.

>. Add to the fact that personality disorders are exceedingly rare.

That's the worst of it all. NPD alone is estimated to be 1% of the population, and every disorder is between 1 to 10%, depending on what it is. That's a huge amount of disorders. It's not exceedingly rare at all.

What the hell? Where did you get your info?

>>36189046
I was just thinking the same. Veneration of Mary and the Saints is something only Catholics would ascribe to. Distasteful, to say the least. Though it would suggest that perhaps he has read Aquinas. A thoroughly admirable man.

>>36189014
When do you know you're being awakened? How far in advance?

>>36188925

What are your BPD symptoms?

>>36188930
>Her identifying as a girl doesn't affect anyone but herself.

Yes, that's the point. It's herself I'm concerned about.

>>36188731
>>36188853
I remember taking personality tests for helping assess the likelihood someone might be trans and a question I saw often would be along the lines of "If there were a pill you could take that would make you not want to be trans anymore, would you take it?" and that always gave me some issue trying to answer it. I think it would probably make things easier if I could just make the feelings go away, but at the same time I don't know if that would really feel right of me to do. But then again, wouldn't the feelings of wanting to be female be what's making me want to not have the feelings of wanting to be female go away? It's confusing. I'd like it if I understand myself fully too.

>>36189062

I'm not an expert but I can defend some of what he said. Think of reading a horoscope, some things are so vague most people can relate to them. Same with personality disorder traits, people do a facebook quiz and claim to have schizophrenia. It's too easy to fall victim to that, so self-diagnosis is never advised.

Also it's hard to self-diagnose things like delusions if you are yourself delusional.

>>36183284
I've just recently come to the conclusion that I have AvPD all along for ~8 years now. It wasn't just social anxiety or depression, I have AvPD all along. This is self-diagnosed but I have no doubt about it.

Thing is, over the years I've sort of molded my whole sense of self around it, that I don't see a way out. I can't see myself not living like a hermit the rest of my life and it's killing me. I've recently met someone I like and this made me realize how unhappy I am in this situation. Is curing AvPD really impossible?

Because of AvPD I've fucked up my appearance and burned so many bridges. I have no close friends and I'm pretty sure my family hates me. I don't know what to do.

>>36189088
If you can imagine hearing a voice rousing you from sleep, that is how it is for me. I will fade into peaceful darkness once we are finished, and then I will return when next a given situation is relevant to me.

I'm not sure whether Facet has mentioned this, but all of us have had our day as it were. I was 'our' face for some time roughly nine years ago. Though, admittedly, there were other forces seeking to challenge me.

>>36188989
>i become compensatory-narcssistic.

Explain that.

>>36188990
>well what else could it be? they took a blood test at the ER and didn't end up with anything

Catatonia?

>>36189198
well either way i'm pretty pissed off the doctor increased my risperidone dosage

i was getting muscle stiffness and leg cramps so the dose was lowered a month ago

>>36188997

Trust me, no Christian "venerates" God. It's the word you use to avoid saying "worship". Nobody would do that to God Himself.

Write me an e-mail immediately. Just say hi, but do it fast.

>>36189172
Is there anything I or anyone could say that would keep you here permanently, any duty so pressing that it would keep you in control until it was completed?

>>36189014
>If I confuse veneration and worship, then I apologise for my poor command of language. I understood the two to be interchangeable.

When did you learn English anyway?

>A narcissist is a man who thinks himself God.

A narcissist is a man who convinces himself to think he is God, but deep down knows he feels like a piece of shit.

I have to take an emergency break, sorry.

>>36189221
I know they might not say it, but it's true. To worship, you necessarily venerate but not the other way around. I emailed you already hours ago. Maybe I got the address wrong.

>>36189233
Yes. It is possible, I'm sure. But I couldn't say what it would be. The only thing that I can imagine would require it would be the appearance of the Anti-Christ. In that case though, Facet would be aware of the situation. He would be given the choice to pay the price of calling me, or wait until my mission was complete.

>>36189251
Possession of this body and mind apportions me some of its attributes.

I'm glad you understand the difference.

>>36189097
Obession with my dog, afraid of people leaving me (trying to do weird things to prevent it)
Paranoid thoughts
Suicidal thoughts
Constant feeling of emptiness
Mood swinging (this is the complicated part)
-I never show emotions in front of other people (mom thought I was some kind of a psychopath for a while, lol)
-I rarely cry (cried once not too long ago when i was too overflown with different emotions inside of me)
Then there is also binge eating (inconsistent eating habits)

>>36189308
Oh and the typical idealizing and devaluating of people.

>>36189192
Y-you know when your every pride has been ripped off to the point you just don't care anymore, you feel like you don't have anything to hide anymore. you feel a loser inside, even though you're engaged in a social activity and somehow manage well. it hasn't goes as far as disturbing my life but it certainly isn't me.

even though that there's my family holding the rope but at some point if this keep going i wouln't live a happy live.

>>36189062
I appreciate that you're here to listen to people Nick, myself included, but I think you're speaking very anecdotally from the bad experiences that you've personally had.

>Very untrue for many personality disorders. It's far from almost impossible. It depends what you have and how severe it is. It's not easier for professionals, who very often get things wrong; I've seen this time after time, even about myself.
Of course it's easier for a specialist to recognise and properly diagnose. They've spent thousands upon thousands of hours studying and treating people with disorders and issues. Spending a couple of hours browsing internet descriptions of symptoms doesn't compare to that. They get things wrong too, of course, because their subject is so complex and the human factor. Please, don't encourage people to self-diagnose personality disorders.

>Very misguided. Some people are living textbook examples of their disorder, to the point where you never thought "real life" could be such a caricature. Grandiose narcs are a prime example.
Some people have all of the symptoms in their severest form, some have most of them with varying severity, some lack most but may still be suffering from the condition. This goes for all kinds of diseases and illnesses. This is why a specialist is needed, they have experience and expert knowledge.

>That's the worst of it all. NPD alone is estimated to be 1% of the population, and every disorder is between 1 to 10%, depending on what it is. That's a huge amount of disorders. It's not exceedingly rare at all.
What stats are you basing this on? That number sounds very, very inflated.
>What the hell? Where did you get your info?
University

>>36189221
Maybe you didn't intend the latter part for me.

>>36189020

Read about BPD but also check OCD.

>>36189046

I was baptised Catholic.

>>36189079

You make very little sense for an enlightened being. Besides, nobody needs to be Catholic to know the difference between venerating and worshipping.

Good to know you're a Protestant sort of being.

On what occasion were you first "summoned"?