why do i want to look like a child?

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lately i've been noticing some strong feelings of dissatisfaction with my body. i feel like i'm too tall, too hairy, my voice is too deep, etc.

sounds like some kind of gender dysphoria going on right? i thought so too, but the more i think about it the more i realize that it's a bit more than that.
i don't want to be a girl. i want some girly things, like long hair and a higher voice, but i don't feel like a girl inside
at least not an adult one.

i am a pedophile, i will admit. i'm attracted to little girls and teenagers but would never act on my desires.
though, any hentai or fantasy that involves a grown man or woman having sex with a child disgusts me.
i can only enjoy it if it's two children/teenagers, usually self-inserting as one of them.

another thing that seems strange to me is that i don't like the innocence of children. the more mature a child is, no matter their age, the more i'm attracted to them.
maybe it's the "contrast" that i like? i'm not sure. but sometimes, i fantasize about being a child again with the memories i have now so i could be like that, and possibly even find someone similar to me.

i want to look like a child again. i want to be shorter, i want to be smaller, i want to have childlike features and a higher voice.
i don't even care about being treated like a child, or anything like that. i would live life the same way i do now, i just don't want to look like this. i don't want to be an "adult". i don't feel like one.

i just don't understand it. why do i want this? i wish i had gender dysphoria, because at least then i could do something about it.
but with this, i can't become a child again. i'm only going to get older.
why can't i just accept the fact? why do i want to look younger so bad? what's wrong with me?

can anyone else relate at all? am i just screaming into the darkness here?

what am i?